Failing Marriage

xo_Sarah_xo

I JUST realized you wrote this in March, 2012. I see you are now going through a divorce so I guess that answers that question.

PibblesRun

To all the people who replied with very snarky asshat remarks, go suck it.

To those that replied with actual advice and comfort. Thank you.

LOL...I was just getting ready to write OP asked for advice...if you dont want to offer advice just go the hell away instead of acting childish and downing somebody!

As for the advice...I dont have much accept do what your heart tells you. It might hurt the kids, but they will get over it and turn out great im sure! My parents divorce hurt me...but I grew up and turned out just fine!

Good luck

JustJennie1

A marriage is a promise, and you shouldn't promise to stay with him "til death do you part" if you are going to leave all willy nilly. I'm sorry but this is just not the place to be seeking advice about marriage. It also seems like you have already made up your mind. There are plenty of gay people out there that would love to get married and stay married forever, but can't because people will say it will ruin "marriage." You are married, have a husband nice enough to let you be a stay at home mom and you are just going to throw it away like you can pick it up again tomorrow at the grocery store. Sorry for being blunt.

So, for arguments sake, you're married to a man who is abusive yet is "nice enough" to let you be a stay at home mom and because you vowed "till death do we part" you have to stay in that relationship?

Or you just no longer have feelings for him/aren't attracted to him/fight all the time/realize that you just don't want to be with him any longer. But because he's "nice enough" to let you be a stay at home mom and because you vowed "till death do we part" you have to stay in the relationship?

You don't know the entire back story of what the OP is saying. She's giving a clip of what's going on, not the whole complete and entire story. Also there are children involved. Parents should never ever EVER stay together "for the sake of the children" because it will only make them miserable and resentful in the long run. So you're parents are still married and together big deal. It's not worth it if the home life isn't great.

AmberLee2012

This is just my opinion and I hope that it does not sound too harsh, but it sounds like you hid parts of yourself in order to please and be with this man. Now that you are getting older, you don't want to do that anymore. I can see how that would be upsetting to the both of you. You want to be who you are, and he wants you to be the woman he married. It sounds like you might already have your mind made up though. The only thing that seems to be keeping you around is the children. I'm not really sure that is a good reason to stay married if you have tried the counseling route and it has not worked out. Yes it's great for a home to have both parents, but it's not good for the children if the two of you are arguing all the time either. This is a very personal issue and I think you will get some nice and not so nice comments on here.

I have been married since 2007, with my husband since 2004, and we have had our rough spots like any marriage, but the want to be with each other has always been there. It doesn't sound like you have the want anymore. In my opinion, it's best to be who you are and not try to change yourself for anyone else. You end up running in to these issues later on in life when the real you is tired of being suppressed. Good luck!

leantool

do a very concentrated soul searching and find out if your philosophy is your real reason.if it is your real reason then find out what your priority is, family or faith. see my friend ,at the end of the day it is human who creates the faith, God touches us all irrespective of what faith we practice. do you think you will raise happy children if you chose faith over family,only you can answer this for yourself.

itsuki

Responded in the wrong thread. Is there no delete button?

Wenchilada

I'm turning to you MFP, for advice. I've met so many wonderful people on this site...so I think I can trust your advice.

I am 23 years old.
My husband and I have been together for 3 years. Been married for just over a year.

I used to be a very spiritual person before I met him, but turned my back on it. (I am an eclectic pagan) I also used to be really passionate about certain political and ethical things. But again, I turned my back on it.
Within the past year I have found a lot of my faith and beliefs again.

This is affecting our marriage. We don't see eye to eye anymore. I love him, however I really don't think I'm "in" love. I feel like it might be time to move on.
But how do I even do that? We have two children together. I'm afraid my children will hate me for leaving their father.

From my experience, the feeling of love in marriage is something that waxes and wanes. If you want the flame, you have to nourish it, when it is ebbing low. Infatuation is what doesn't last, whereas real love demands sacrifice.

And that is where paganism creates a problem. Paganism is all about how you master things, not about how you make sacrifices for the sake of others. Paganism doesn't encourage you to suck it up for the greater good of your loved ones. Paganism is about using spells to make things go your way. I can see how your "spiritual path" can be causing problem. What you believe matters.

Another factor is your youth. Of course you are going to change, you are only in your early 20ies. But this does not mean that you need to break up? How many men are you going to go through in your lifetime, if you leave them all on a whim? How many fatherless children? You might lack the maturity that it takes to keep your marriage together, but this is something that you can acquire with a will and a way.

And what makes you think that there is something better out there? The grass always looks greener on the other side of the fence, but that is no excuse not to cultivate your own garden.

So, no, I don't think you should leave. Your kids need a father, and if your husband is a good one, you've got it made. Why go look for trouble? Misery will find you for sure if you go looking for it.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Back the truck up.

It might be advisable to do a bit more thorough, objective research into paganism before making ignorant, inaccurate, hurtful statements about someone's religious beliefs or practices. While I don't identify as pagan, several people very close to me do, and never have I ever heard any of them say or seen any of them carry out their lives in any sort of reflection of what you have proclaimed here. Put down the Chick tracts and get a grip.

Also, like someone else pointed out, this thread was started many months ago, and from what can be surmised from forum posts, this situation has already progressed. No idea why it's suddenly being resurrected by someone other than the OP.

xo_Sarah_xo

I JUST realized you wrote this in March, 2012. I see you are now going through a divorce so I guess that answers that question.

Maybe everyone missed this so I am posting it again!!!!!!!!!! READ THE ABOVE QUOTE!

auroranflash

I'm turning to you MFP, for advice. I've met so many wonderful people on this site...so I think I can trust your advice.

I am 23 years old.
My husband and I have been together for 3 years. Been married for just over a year.

I used to be a very spiritual person before I met him, but turned my back on it. (I am an eclectic pagan) I also used to be really passionate about certain political and ethical things. But again, I turned my back on it.
Within the past year I have found a lot of my faith and beliefs again.

This is affecting our marriage. We don't see eye to eye anymore. I love him, however I really don't think I'm "in" love. I feel like it might be time to move on.
But how do I even do that? We have two children together. I'm afraid my children will hate me for leaving their father.

From my experience, the feeling of love in marriage is something that waxes and wanes. If you want the flame, you have to nourish it, when it is ebbing low. Infatuation is what doesn't last, whereas real love demands sacrifice.

And that is where paganism creates a problem. Paganism is all about how you master things, not about how you make sacrifices for the sake of others. Paganism doesn't encourage you to suck it up for the greater good of your loved ones. Paganism is about using spells to make things go your way. I can see how your "spiritual path" can be causing problem. What you believe matters.

Another factor is your youth. Of course you are going to change, you are only in your early 20ies. But this does not mean that you need to break up? How many men are you going to go through in your lifetime, if you leave them all on a whim? How many fatherless children? You might lack the maturity that it takes to keep your marriage together, but this is something that you can acquire with a will and a way.

And what makes you think that there is something better out there? The grass always looks greener on the other side of the fence, but that is no excuse not to cultivate your own garden.

So, no, I don't think you should leave. Your kids need a father, and if your husband is a good one, you've got it made. Why go look for trouble? Misery will find you for sure if you go looking for it.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Back the truck up.

It might be advisable to do a bit more thorough, objective research into paganism before making ignorant, inaccurate, hurtful statements about someone's religious beliefs or practices. While I don't identify as pagan, several people very close to me do, and never have I ever heard any of them say or seen any of them carry out their lives in any sort of reflection of what you have proclaimed here. Put down the Chick tracts and get a grip.

Also, like someone else pointed out, this thread was started many months ago, and from what can be surmised from forum posts, this situation has already progressed. No idea why it's suddenly being resurrected by someone other than the OP.

I'm a Christian and even I can tell that above poster's view of paganism is ignorant. Also very insulting to assume that she's going to leave her husband and produce dozens of fatherless children with countless other men - because I guess that's what pagans do, right? LOL.

OP - dunno what to say other than, when you're in your early 20's, ... things can seem a lot worse than they are. It's like Teenage Years, Part 2. Do what you need to do, but don't do anything rash and give it time if you can. Surprising how things can work out in ways you never expect. Do what's best for you and the kids, learn to love yourself and figure out what's absolutely important to you, just don't be quick to burn any bridges. Best of luck.

valeriebpdx

Didn't read all the pages, so forgive me if this is repetitive. Somebody once said (OK, it was Dr. Phil, but stay with me here) that you don't earn your way out of a marriage, esp with kids, by being unhappy for a long time. (And you haven't even done that.) You earn your way out by leaving no stone unturned to make things better--do counseling, retreats, read books, talk it out, stop talking it out, etc.

You're really young. Most young people I know think the relationship should be perfect to be the right one. Some women are lucky enough to be married to their all-purpose best friends and have a storybook romance, but a lot of us happily married people aren't and don't. My husband does not meet all my emotional needs--far from it. I have friends, my sister, my kids, and, importantly, myself to fill in the gaps. You want to go to services (or whatever it is one does to express eclectic paganism)? Say "I'm gonna be out Wednesday night." He doesn't need to validate that, and you don't need to be embarrassed of it. A lot of times, especially after kids, people don't feel "in love" for a time. Often, it comes back. Being parents of small children is not really the apex of a romantic relationship--you're both working hard, you don't have extra time for each other. Be patient and see if it comes back. Your kids deserve for you to try everything you can before you decide it isn't working.

infamousmk

I got divorced about six years ago. Best thing I ever did for myself and my life. I'm now happily remarried and seriously love every second of my life. (Even the fights don't hurt so much - when you find that person you're willing to truly hash it out like a grown up with, you know you've found the one).

JustJennie1

suck it up for the greater good of your loved ones.

And where is the good in this? What about the children who are a part of this relationship? Should she just suck up being miserable for the "greater good" of them which would end up making them screwed up in the long run?

OP: You are very young and this is NOT a dress rehearsal. You won't get another chance to do what makes you and your children happy.

kiraleilani

I would strongly caution you to speak with someone who knows you personally, and not ask for advice on any life decisions from random people on the internet. I'm sorry you are hurting, but this really isn't where you want to turn to for relationship advice. REALLY bad idea.

THIS.

VelociMama

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jbradley89

So I should stay with him even though I'm not in love?

If it really would hurt my children to leave maybe that is what's best.

Hi Lady, I'm 23 just like you. My husband and I have been together for 3 years just like you, but we've been married for 2 years now. We do have a son together. So I do understand that bit of it. We don't always see "eye to eye" either, but what we do is we always talk about it and compromise. I don't always get what I want, and he doesn't always get what he wants, but it's the decision that we make together as a couple that helps to keep us growing as a couple. There are some days that I don't think that I love him very much because of something that has happened or made me mad, but I just remind myself of all the good things that he does and all of the reasons why I married him.

annicins

So I should stay with him even though I'm not in love?

If it really would hurt my children to leave maybe that is what's best.

True love is not fallen into. True love comes after many years of living together... arguing... compromising... supporting. I think most long term marriages go through times when neither person feels "in love" with the other. I know in my 22 year marriage there have been times when I disliked my husband. I almost left him several times, and I'm sure he almost left me too.

But when the chips are down, he is always there for me. You don't get that from someone until you have stayed through some tough times. Three years is not enough time to build the loyalty and true love you are looking for.

If you leave now, you will eventually start over with someone else and go through similar difficulties with him.

True love is not romance... it is a partnership.

This is outstanding advice.

Agreed!

NormalSaneFLGuy

I'm turning to you MFP, for advice. I've met so many wonderful people on this site...so I think I can trust your advice.

I am 23 years old.
My husband and I have been together for 3 years. Been married for just over a year.

I used to be a very spiritual person before I met him, but turned my back on it. (I am an eclectic pagan) I also used to be really passionate about certain political and ethical things. But again, I turned my back on it.
Within the past year I have found a lot of my faith and beliefs again.

This is affecting our marriage. We don't see eye to eye anymore. I love him, however I really don't think I'm "in" love. I feel like it might be time to move on.
But how do I even do that? We have two children together. I'm afraid my children will hate me for leaving their father.

Even if you were to separate, you both would be trying to push your individual views on your kids. Might as well be mature, accept each other's beliefs as they are now, love each other, and work it out together. Teach your kids that you have different views, teach them both, and let them choose their own way. You'll never see eye to eye on EVERYTHING with your partner, so you need to respect your partner's position and roll with it.

PaleoPath4Lyfe

There is a scripture in the bible that if you are married to an unbeliever to not get a divorce but that your life may affect him and he would become a believer also! I would think about this seriously. You have children and this would affect them for the rest of their life! I've been through it and my ex-husband eventually left me! Talk to a pastor and really pray about this! My kids are still affected by this and they are grown now! Good luck to you!

I don't think this applies to her religion........................she is not a typical Christian (Catholic, baptist, etc..........)

iceqieen

So I should stay with him even though I'm not in love?

If it really would hurt my children to leave maybe that is what's best.

True love is not fallen into. True love comes after many years of living together... arguing... compromising... supporting. I think most long term marriages go through times when neither person feels "in love" with the other. I know in my 22 year marriage there have been times when I disliked my husband. I almost left him several times, and I'm sure he almost left me too.

But when the chips are down, he is always there for me. You don't get that from someone until you have stayed through some tough times. Three years is not enough time to build the loyalty and true love you are looking for.

If you leave now, you will eventually start over with someone else and go through similar difficulties with him.

True love is not romance... it is a partnership.

such true words. :flowerforyou:

been with my husband for 12.5 years and it is not going to be easy the whole way, but you just make things work out if you really want to stay together.

dane11235813

you all realize the OP was from 8 months ago right?!?!

JennaM222

I would strongly caution you to speak with someone who knows you personally, and not ask for advice on any life decisions from random people on the internet. I'm sorry you are hurting, but this really isn't where you want to turn to for relationship advice. REALLY bad idea.

NormalSaneFLGuy

you all realize the OP was from 8 months ago right?!?!

poor thing is still waiting for a good answer.

VogtAndrea

So many people forget that they actually said "Till death do us part" in front of a representative of God and/or the government of their country. If you actually used your words from your heart when you said them, you vowed to keep them. Divorce has become such an easy word to say... "I've decided that I wasn't able to keep my vow"
If your husband is a good man, if he loves you, loves the kids, has made lifelong plans and goals with you, then you need to decide whether you love him, respect him, have done all you can to make him your partner, your lover, your best friend, and your husband. If he's not abusing you or the kids and he's all of those things, then the two of you really should get some counselling and try to learn how to love each other, communicate in a non-agressive way with each other, make time for each other, and have fun together too all over again.
Many of us fall out of love because we're not communicating, respecting (mutually), or actually being each other's best friend and partner in life.
Just something to think about here.

eckabad

Leaving your husband WILL jack up your kids. and even your in laws if you are even a little bit close to them. My uncle left my aunt, and at the time my cousins were already in their 20's... Just because they were older didn't make it any easier on them. they are seriously messed up psychologically because of it. Plus, your kids grandparents will be loosing grand kids, and cousins, and aunts and uncles will all have a part of them missing if you just take the kids and dissapear from their lives. and I promise you, that no matter how much you think you won't you will. Going through this is an absolutely aweful thing. I would agree with everyone else on getting counseling. And if you DO decide to leave, make sure that it's a mutual thing, not just one sided. if it's just you, then PLEASE take some time to work on it, and sit down with a pen and paper and write down everything you love about this man. Relationships are hard, but you should try to stay in the mind set of our grandparents.... if it's broken, we fix it. Don't just throw this away and go out and get a new one....

xo_Sarah_xo

Leaving your husband WILL jack up your kids. and even your in laws if you are even a little bit close to them. My uncle left my aunt, and at the time my cousins were already in their 20's... Just because they were older didn't make it any easier on them. they are seriously messed up psychologically because of it. Plus, your kids grandparents will be loosing grand kids, and cousins, and aunts and uncles will all have a part of them missing if you just take the kids and dissapear from their lives. and I promise you, that no matter how much you think you won't you will. Going through this is an absolutely aweful thing. I would agree with everyone else on getting counseling. And if you DO decide to leave, make sure that it's a mutual thing, not just one sided. if it's just you, then PLEASE take some time to work on it, and sit down with a pen and paper and write down everything you love about this man. Relationships are hard, but you should try to stay in the mind set of our grandparents.... if it's broken, we fix it. Don't just throw this away and go out and get a new one....

I have a number of issues with this....
1. "your kids grandparents will be loosing grand kids, and cousins, and aunts and uncles will all have a part of them missing if you just take the kids and dissapear from their lives" - she never even implied she was taking the kids and running - wow.
2. "make sure that it's a mutual thing, not just one sided" - so if 1 wants to work it out for some reason the other is not allowed to make their own decision? That sounds ridiculous.
3. "if it's broken, we fix it" - that is NOT sensible in all cases. AND I bet there were a LOT of unhappy marriages in our grandparent's day that should have ended.
Sorry, I am not attacking, maybe I am just more open-minded.

JustJennie1

Leaving your husband WILL jack up your kids. and even your in laws if you are even a little bit close to them. My uncle left my aunt, and at the time my cousins were already in their 20's... Just because they were older didn't make it any easier on them. they are seriously messed up psychologically because of it. Plus, your kids grandparents will be loosing grand kids, and cousins, and aunts and uncles will all have a part of them missing if you just take the kids and dissapear from their lives. and I promise you, that no matter how much you think you won't you will. Going through this is an absolutely aweful thing. I would agree with everyone else on getting counseling. And if you DO decide to leave, make sure that it's a mutual thing, not just one sided. if it's just you, then PLEASE take some time to work on it, and sit down with a pen and paper and write down everything you love about this man. Relationships are hard, but you should try to stay in the mind set of our grandparents.... if it's broken, we fix it. Don't just throw this away and go out and get a new one....

Whaaaat?

So if you're miserable and you want to leave but it's not "mutual" and you've done counseling, talked to each other etc. etc. and tried to "fix" it but nothing is working then you should stay together for the sake of the kids and because you're robbing other family members of their rights to your children? That's just ridiculous. Perhaps your cousins were all 'jacked up' over the split because they had to endure growing up in a household that had parents who didn't like each other but chose to stay together for the sake of the children and not because they decided to get divorced how ever many years later.

I'm sorry but like I stated before, this is NOT a dress rehearsal. You aren't going to get another go around at life and if you're miserable and things just aren't working out no matter what then leave and go find someone or something that will make you happy. And if you have children and you're in a relationship that's not making you happy then for goodness sake GET OUT! Don't stay in it "for the kids" because you're robbing yourself happiness and you're messing your kids up by staying together. I have a friend who was staying together for the sake of her kids and is finally FINALLY getting divorced and her kids couldn't be happier because the life that they're living right now in a house with two parents who don't like each other sucks.

katy84o

Personally, if my other half (together for 7 years - about to get married) suddenly went all religious I would find it hard to deal with. When you marry someone you tend to think that you know them quite well. You marry them because you love them but usually because you share values also. I know people change and evolve but finding 'faith' is quite a significant change. Try to see it from his point of view - it might feel like you aren't the person he married/fell in love with.

This is exactly what I was thinking!

TigressPat

sorry for being a bit harsh here, but you should not have married someone who laughed at beliefs you say are "strong". You also should never have put important aspects of your personailty and faith aside for another person, or married someone who doesn't have the same life goal as you do (farm life etc).

As for not being "in love", I'm sorry, but marriage is WORK. Love does not always stay fireworks and poetry. It changes; in good marriages becoming deeper and steadier, but it cannot by nature retain over decades the flash bang it manifests at the start.

I think you definitely need professional advice, and marriage help, but you also have to "find yourself" and be true to YOU.

Siege_Tank

It's an undead thread from march! Kill it, Kill it!

Seriously though, staying together for the kids is noble, but it has to be balanced, if you argue, you'll just cause more damage teaching your children what love is *not*

So many of the reasons given on here don't meet my threshold for "sticking to a bad situation", if you don't love the person you are with, then you will be unhappy, and the world has enough unhappy people in it. Every one of us on a weight loss journey is doing it to become healthier, and to feel better about ourselves.. And when we neglect a big part of emotional happiness, making ourselves endure a penance of staying married to someone whom we don't love, it just makes everything else in life that much harder.

This coming from a guy who seriously considered trying to work things out with my son's mom in the beginning, but a truckload of drugs and felony charges against her knocked that RIGHT outta my head. In the end, your happiness will affect how you raise your kids. Don't neglect it.

SofaKingRad_

I'm sorry.