Failing Marriage

weighlossforbaby

I have nothing in common with my husband except our love for animals and that we love eachother. He's into computers, I am into Photography. He's a vegetarian and I am not. I love texting, he barely uses his phone lol. He's a junk food junky, I am not. He is a video gamer, I am definitely not. I like facebook, he hates it. I was raised by 2 parents, he lived in placement. He's a neat freak, I am not. We are like night and day.

Think back to the second you fell in love with him and think about why you married him? There's a reason why you are together. Think about everything you have been through together and weigh the good and the bad. think or write down what marriage means to you and maybe share it with him. My mother-in-law told us to write positive things about eachother on post its and put them around the house so we both can see what we think of eachother.

Really hoping everything works out for you

xo_Sarah_xo

I only read the first 1.5 pages of responses to be honest. Some of it was quality advice and some of it was not at all. Maybe it is my own personal situation clouding my judgment or perhaps the fact that I grew up in a home where I WISHED my parents would have separated but I agree that you need to seek out marriage counselling. If your husband is unwilling to do that then that is a MAJOR red flag and should not be overlooked. If he is adament that he does not want to go then you should go by yourself.

I very recently left my husband and took our 2 small children with me. I had enough. There was a lot of emotional and verbal attacks happening (I hate to use the word abuse) and after 1 session of marriage counseling he refused to go back so I went on my own a few months later. I know I did everything I could to try to fix things, it is not possible though if BOTH people aren't willing to work on it. He had no desire to change (just like your husband) and I could not let me two precious children think it was okay for someone to treat them that way in the future. It was not easy, and still isn't. I am taking it day by day.

Only you know what the correct decision is for you. Again, please seek out a counselor - mine was a tremendous help at pointing things out clearly and from an unbiased perspective.

I am sending you a friend request in case you want to chat about it any more since I very recently was in your situation...

XXXMinnieXXX

I would strongly caution you to speak with someone who knows you personally, and not ask for advice on any life decisions from random people on the internet. I'm sorry you are hurting, but this really isn't where you want to turn to for relationship advice. REALLY bad idea.

This, maybe try some marriage counselling first x

leilaphoenix

Personally, if my other half (together for 7 years - about to get married) suddenly went all religious I would find it hard to deal with. When you marry someone you tend to think that you know them quite well. You marry them because you love them but usually because you share values also. I know people change and evolve but finding 'faith' is quite a significant change. Try to see it from his point of view - it might feel like you aren't the person he married/fell in love with.

ken1994

It's hard for me because my religious beliefs make him uncomfortable to the point he doesn't want me doing anything that would...I guess the word is "advertise" my religion.
Basically I have to "hide" it.

He even went so far as to insult me and my beliefs.

I love him, I do. But I just don't think I'm in love with him. I believe we only stuck it out this long because we had kids together.

He does not understand, I believe that people make fun of things they do not understand or are afraid of. Best bet is to sit and talk with him not get defensive when he cuts, if that doesn't work bring in a professional you both trust not. After that I think it is fair to discuss a future apart, either way good luck! Thinking of those kids.

Alex_is_Hawks

Love isn't about being the same or seeing eye to eye...

love is about being strong enough to stay together inspite of not being the same or seeing eye to eye...

jus sayin....

and MFP is not the place to be asking this question....no really....

toomuchbootyindapants

Haven't read this thread....but here's my two cents.

Love...is a choice. The "in love" stuff....meh. Comes and goes. If you love someone - you make a CHOICE to love that person. So you can choose to let your marriage dissolve or you can choose to love him and make it work. What's your choice gonna be?

CressidaJL

I love him, I do. But I just don't think I'm in love with him.

Being 'in love' is a chemical reaction, triggered in the brain when you start seeing someone new. Over time (usually about 18 months) your brain produces less of THAT chemical, substituting it for the one you build up over time. REAL love, as opposed to the animal magnetism that attracts a couple in the first place. Obviously you still get 'shots' of the former throughout your relationship, but the 'being in love' doesn't chemically last much beyond about 2 years.

So, with that in mind, how important is being IN love with a partner to you? Is it important enough that you would rather be IN love with just anyone, than in a relationship without the butterflies?

My suspicion is that if you've got as far as talking about it in public (on here), you probably already know the answer to whether you want to be with him or not.


(PS: As for the kids, please don't let that factor into your decision. They will hurt, they will heal, and they will love you regardless. Staying together for the sake of the children is a really REALLY bad reason for being in a relationship.)

grassette

I'm turning to you MFP, for advice. I've met so many wonderful people on this site...so I think I can trust your advice.

I am 23 years old.
My husband and I have been together for 3 years. Been married for just over a year.

I used to be a very spiritual person before I met him, but turned my back on it. (I am an eclectic pagan) I also used to be really passionate about certain political and ethical things. But again, I turned my back on it.
Within the past year I have found a lot of my faith and beliefs again.

This is affecting our marriage. We don't see eye to eye anymore. I love him, however I really don't think I'm "in" love. I feel like it might be time to move on.
But how do I even do that? We have two children together. I'm afraid my children will hate me for leaving their father.

From my experience, the feeling of love in marriage is something that waxes and wanes. If you want the flame, you have to nourish it, when it is ebbing low. Infatuation is what doesn't last, whereas real love demands sacrifice.

And that is where paganism creates a problem. Paganism is all about how you master things, not about how you make sacrifices for the sake of others. Paganism doesn't encourage you to suck it up for the greater good of your loved ones. Paganism is about using spells to make things go your way. I can see how your "spiritual path" can be causing problem. What you believe matters.

Another factor is your youth. Of course you are going to change, you are only in your early 20ies. But this does not mean that you need to break up? How many men are you going to go through in your lifetime, if you leave them all on a whim? How many fatherless children? You might lack the maturity that it takes to keep your marriage together, but this is something that you can acquire with a will and a way.

And what makes you think that there is something better out there? The grass always looks greener on the other side of the fence, but that is no excuse not to cultivate your own garden.

So, no, I don't think you should leave. Your kids need a father, and if your husband is a good one, you've got it made. Why go look for trouble? Misery will find you for sure if you go looking for it.

allifantastical

I was married at 21 and divorced by the time I was 23. Him and I were together for 5 years before marrying. Our split wasn't due to spiritual reasons it was due to his lack of motivation and him being content with me working 3 jobs while going to school and letting everything fall on me. I filed for divorce because I was so stressed out over everything it was making me physically sick. I got alot of crap from people closest to me but I knew I wasn't meant to deal with that for the rest of my life.


Divorce is hell but it was worth it for me. I didn't have any kids, but if I did...I would have still made the same decision. I believe it would be better to be apart and see their parents eventually in a normal, loving relationship, then watch them just pass by each other. (I also came from divorced parents) Kids are so perceptive. They can sense things that are going no matter how peaceful people try to be.

I don't think people should give up and I do believe they make it too easy. Him and I went to counseling for a long time and I think it CAN work, but both people must be willing to admit their faults and be willing to change. A lot of people can't do that.

Good luck to you! Do what is right for you and your kids.

xo_Sarah_xo

I JUST realized you wrote this in March, 2012. I see you are now going through a divorce so I guess that answers that question.

PibblesRun

To all the people who replied with very snarky asshat remarks, go suck it.

To those that replied with actual advice and comfort. Thank you.

LOL...I was just getting ready to write OP asked for advice...if you dont want to offer advice just go the hell away instead of acting childish and downing somebody!

As for the advice...I dont have much accept do what your heart tells you. It might hurt the kids, but they will get over it and turn out great im sure! My parents divorce hurt me...but I grew up and turned out just fine!

Good luck

JustJennie1

A marriage is a promise, and you shouldn't promise to stay with him "til death do you part" if you are going to leave all willy nilly. I'm sorry but this is just not the place to be seeking advice about marriage. It also seems like you have already made up your mind. There are plenty of gay people out there that would love to get married and stay married forever, but can't because people will say it will ruin "marriage." You are married, have a husband nice enough to let you be a stay at home mom and you are just going to throw it away like you can pick it up again tomorrow at the grocery store. Sorry for being blunt.

So, for arguments sake, you're married to a man who is abusive yet is "nice enough" to let you be a stay at home mom and because you vowed "till death do we part" you have to stay in that relationship?

Or you just no longer have feelings for him/aren't attracted to him/fight all the time/realize that you just don't want to be with him any longer. But because he's "nice enough" to let you be a stay at home mom and because you vowed "till death do we part" you have to stay in the relationship?

You don't know the entire back story of what the OP is saying. She's giving a clip of what's going on, not the whole complete and entire story. Also there are children involved. Parents should never ever EVER stay together "for the sake of the children" because it will only make them miserable and resentful in the long run. So you're parents are still married and together big deal. It's not worth it if the home life isn't great.

AmberLee2012

This is just my opinion and I hope that it does not sound too harsh, but it sounds like you hid parts of yourself in order to please and be with this man. Now that you are getting older, you don't want to do that anymore. I can see how that would be upsetting to the both of you. You want to be who you are, and he wants you to be the woman he married. It sounds like you might already have your mind made up though. The only thing that seems to be keeping you around is the children. I'm not really sure that is a good reason to stay married if you have tried the counseling route and it has not worked out. Yes it's great for a home to have both parents, but it's not good for the children if the two of you are arguing all the time either. This is a very personal issue and I think you will get some nice and not so nice comments on here.

I have been married since 2007, with my husband since 2004, and we have had our rough spots like any marriage, but the want to be with each other has always been there. It doesn't sound like you have the want anymore. In my opinion, it's best to be who you are and not try to change yourself for anyone else. You end up running in to these issues later on in life when the real you is tired of being suppressed. Good luck!

leantool

do a very concentrated soul searching and find out if your philosophy is your real reason.if it is your real reason then find out what your priority is, family or faith. see my friend ,at the end of the day it is human who creates the faith, God touches us all irrespective of what faith we practice. do you think you will raise happy children if you chose faith over family,only you can answer this for yourself.

itsuki

Responded in the wrong thread. Is there no delete button?

Wenchilada

I'm turning to you MFP, for advice. I've met so many wonderful people on this site...so I think I can trust your advice.

I am 23 years old.
My husband and I have been together for 3 years. Been married for just over a year.

I used to be a very spiritual person before I met him, but turned my back on it. (I am an eclectic pagan) I also used to be really passionate about certain political and ethical things. But again, I turned my back on it.
Within the past year I have found a lot of my faith and beliefs again.

This is affecting our marriage. We don't see eye to eye anymore. I love him, however I really don't think I'm "in" love. I feel like it might be time to move on.
But how do I even do that? We have two children together. I'm afraid my children will hate me for leaving their father.

From my experience, the feeling of love in marriage is something that waxes and wanes. If you want the flame, you have to nourish it, when it is ebbing low. Infatuation is what doesn't last, whereas real love demands sacrifice.

And that is where paganism creates a problem. Paganism is all about how you master things, not about how you make sacrifices for the sake of others. Paganism doesn't encourage you to suck it up for the greater good of your loved ones. Paganism is about using spells to make things go your way. I can see how your "spiritual path" can be causing problem. What you believe matters.

Another factor is your youth. Of course you are going to change, you are only in your early 20ies. But this does not mean that you need to break up? How many men are you going to go through in your lifetime, if you leave them all on a whim? How many fatherless children? You might lack the maturity that it takes to keep your marriage together, but this is something that you can acquire with a will and a way.

And what makes you think that there is something better out there? The grass always looks greener on the other side of the fence, but that is no excuse not to cultivate your own garden.

So, no, I don't think you should leave. Your kids need a father, and if your husband is a good one, you've got it made. Why go look for trouble? Misery will find you for sure if you go looking for it.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Back the truck up.

It might be advisable to do a bit more thorough, objective research into paganism before making ignorant, inaccurate, hurtful statements about someone's religious beliefs or practices. While I don't identify as pagan, several people very close to me do, and never have I ever heard any of them say or seen any of them carry out their lives in any sort of reflection of what you have proclaimed here. Put down the Chick tracts and get a grip.

Also, like someone else pointed out, this thread was started many months ago, and from what can be surmised from forum posts, this situation has already progressed. No idea why it's suddenly being resurrected by someone other than the OP.

xo_Sarah_xo

I JUST realized you wrote this in March, 2012. I see you are now going through a divorce so I guess that answers that question.

Maybe everyone missed this so I am posting it again!!!!!!!!!! READ THE ABOVE QUOTE!

auroranflash

I'm turning to you MFP, for advice. I've met so many wonderful people on this site...so I think I can trust your advice.

I am 23 years old.
My husband and I have been together for 3 years. Been married for just over a year.

I used to be a very spiritual person before I met him, but turned my back on it. (I am an eclectic pagan) I also used to be really passionate about certain political and ethical things. But again, I turned my back on it.
Within the past year I have found a lot of my faith and beliefs again.

This is affecting our marriage. We don't see eye to eye anymore. I love him, however I really don't think I'm "in" love. I feel like it might be time to move on.
But how do I even do that? We have two children together. I'm afraid my children will hate me for leaving their father.

From my experience, the feeling of love in marriage is something that waxes and wanes. If you want the flame, you have to nourish it, when it is ebbing low. Infatuation is what doesn't last, whereas real love demands sacrifice.

And that is where paganism creates a problem. Paganism is all about how you master things, not about how you make sacrifices for the sake of others. Paganism doesn't encourage you to suck it up for the greater good of your loved ones. Paganism is about using spells to make things go your way. I can see how your "spiritual path" can be causing problem. What you believe matters.

Another factor is your youth. Of course you are going to change, you are only in your early 20ies. But this does not mean that you need to break up? How many men are you going to go through in your lifetime, if you leave them all on a whim? How many fatherless children? You might lack the maturity that it takes to keep your marriage together, but this is something that you can acquire with a will and a way.

And what makes you think that there is something better out there? The grass always looks greener on the other side of the fence, but that is no excuse not to cultivate your own garden.

So, no, I don't think you should leave. Your kids need a father, and if your husband is a good one, you've got it made. Why go look for trouble? Misery will find you for sure if you go looking for it.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Back the truck up.

It might be advisable to do a bit more thorough, objective research into paganism before making ignorant, inaccurate, hurtful statements about someone's religious beliefs or practices. While I don't identify as pagan, several people very close to me do, and never have I ever heard any of them say or seen any of them carry out their lives in any sort of reflection of what you have proclaimed here. Put down the Chick tracts and get a grip.

Also, like someone else pointed out, this thread was started many months ago, and from what can be surmised from forum posts, this situation has already progressed. No idea why it's suddenly being resurrected by someone other than the OP.

I'm a Christian and even I can tell that above poster's view of paganism is ignorant. Also very insulting to assume that she's going to leave her husband and produce dozens of fatherless children with countless other men - because I guess that's what pagans do, right? LOL.

OP - dunno what to say other than, when you're in your early 20's, ... things can seem a lot worse than they are. It's like Teenage Years, Part 2. Do what you need to do, but don't do anything rash and give it time if you can. Surprising how things can work out in ways you never expect. Do what's best for you and the kids, learn to love yourself and figure out what's absolutely important to you, just don't be quick to burn any bridges. Best of luck.

valeriebpdx

Didn't read all the pages, so forgive me if this is repetitive. Somebody once said (OK, it was Dr. Phil, but stay with me here) that you don't earn your way out of a marriage, esp with kids, by being unhappy for a long time. (And you haven't even done that.) You earn your way out by leaving no stone unturned to make things better--do counseling, retreats, read books, talk it out, stop talking it out, etc.

You're really young. Most young people I know think the relationship should be perfect to be the right one. Some women are lucky enough to be married to their all-purpose best friends and have a storybook romance, but a lot of us happily married people aren't and don't. My husband does not meet all my emotional needs--far from it. I have friends, my sister, my kids, and, importantly, myself to fill in the gaps. You want to go to services (or whatever it is one does to express eclectic paganism)? Say "I'm gonna be out Wednesday night." He doesn't need to validate that, and you don't need to be embarrassed of it. A lot of times, especially after kids, people don't feel "in love" for a time. Often, it comes back. Being parents of small children is not really the apex of a romantic relationship--you're both working hard, you don't have extra time for each other. Be patient and see if it comes back. Your kids deserve for you to try everything you can before you decide it isn't working.