Failing Marriage

Alexstrasza

This is the same advise I give my sister in law who has been in a crap marriage so many problems that I can't even go into.

Instead of talking to everyone else about your marriage and the problems your having in it, you should be communicating with the other person in your marriage. Seeking advise outside of your marriage just shows lack of responsibility and lack of proper communication with your spouse. It you can't discuss it like adults then you should seek out a counseler or therapist to help you discuss this with your spouse. You are both adults, act like it.

Sorry it's harsh but their is nothing worse then airing your marital dirty laudry no matter how slight. This is between you and him, not you and a whole bunch of other ppl.

I HAVE talked to him. This has happened so many times with us.

I'm not airing dirty laundry. No one here knows me.

I guess I was wrong to ask MFP for advice. It's not like I was going to say "oh that person is so right, I'm going to follow everything they say."

lucythinmint

Bah to everyone who says to work it out. If it has failed it has failed. No reason to hang on to something that is going to make everyone miserable including the children.
Divorce is not for everyone and staying married is not for everyone either.

I divorced my first husband after 3 years and 2 kids. Best decision I ever made. It was miserable for all included and would have done more harm than good to stay together.

Having said that, I am now remarried. And I would not walk away from this marriage no matter what. We have struggles like everyone else. We work very hard to make our marriage continuously grow. BUT, we are both completely and utterly committed to it.
I have been on both sides of knowing its going to end and just deciding when to do and knowing that my marriage is worth more than anything else in this world.

It is up to you to decide where you stand. No one can help you make that decision, you can seek counselling but more so for you since you seem to be the one struggling with your own feelings.

Good luck.

Rae6503

"I love him but I'm not 'in love' with him." What does that mean anyway? Sounds like a line from a movie. I'm not "in love" with my husband 75% of the time either but I love him 100% of the time, and the 25% of the time I'm all giddy "in love" makes it worth it. Marriage is work. You have to work to maintain the "in love" feeling, you have to work to even just get along. You have children with this person. Try to make it work before you give up. Try for a good amount of time. 6 months to a year even.

antoniosmooth

I agree with the first poster and would like to add that you should seek counseling... for yourself as and individual and with your husband for marriage counseling.

A divorce will have a LONG lasting impact on your children. I divorced my first husband when I was 23... I am now 51. My two sons lived with me and struggled with not having a father living with them for many years. My current husband has been wonderful to them, but it is not the same. Both boys are fine now, but their lives would have been different had they grown up in a family with both parents.

I am also a teacher, and see the impact divorce has on children from that perspective. There are some very sad children of divorced parents. If you can work it out with your husband, that would be the best thing for your children as long as there is no abuse in your marriage.

Had I known how much my divorce would impact my children back then, I would have worked harder to save the marriage... Don't get me wrong, my second husband is "the one" for me, but my divorce hurt my children...

Every marriage takes work... the grass is not really greener on the other side. Once the newness wears off, you must make great efforts to keep it going...

Good luck...

Probably the best advice you'll get from random people via the internet!!!

Religion and Spirituality is a very touchy subject, for the record I'm a born again Christian. I understand your religion is very important to you which is why I agree your marriage needs counseling. I'm curious, what is his religion? I have a guess but I don't want to assume. Again I echo the fact your marriage needs counseling in order to survive simply due to the huge guff both of you face in terms of religion.

You can "fall in love" with your husband again (within the confines of counseling) if you desire that loving bond again. A successful marriage takes WORK and ATTENTION from 2 people who are willing to both give, both receive, and both accept. In large part it all depends on how BOTH of you feel about your marriage vows.

jcriscuolo

It's never bad to hear opinions but ultimately you should seek professional advice.
It appears that there are too many areas where there is no common ground.
Marriage is about compromise but there needs to be some foundation and it appears that your only commonality is your children.
Best of luck.

pupcamper

Personally not being 'in love' with someone you 'love' tells me that you need to deal with an issue that has taken the 'shine' out of your relationship, not end it. The two of you need to talk honestly and work things out so you can both be happy, marriages aren't always easy but you work though the bumps in the road together and build/develop a lasting love. You are always going to have issues in a marriage, it isn't fair on either of you to expect to be 'in love' 100% of the time, I don't know any strong, supportive relationship that is.

Unless thare are alot of other stuff you haven't told us, this could easily be a bump in the road! TALK!!!

budhandy

I'm not no where quillifed to answer...I just like the OP pokemon ticker

m60kaf

Never stick with something just because you are afraid to walk away.

Children .. It's unfortunate to split, but I think in the long run children cope with it better than the turmoil of an un-happy marriage.

I agree with people saying stick at it - but, sometimes you just have to know when to move on

Been there - got the T-Shirt

LilRedRooster

Honestly, marriage, or any long-term relationship, is not about being madly in love with someone for the rest of eternity. It's about working around changes, coming to agreements, and being a good partner. Sometimes, that means you're not as passionate, and that love will change with time into something different. Both partners have to be okay with that changing in order for the relationship to continue to work long-term.

I'm not married, but I approach my relationship with my daughter's father as a marriage, in that it's not something that we can just let go without a lot of work from both of us. We have had times where we haven't felt as close, where we haven't seen eye-to-eye, and where we really haven't been "in" love. We've gotten through all that, because we know that our main goal is to take care of our daughter as parents together, and do what we need to make life easier for the other person.

I would seek out counseling, and a third party to hear out the BOTH of you. Asking for advice based on just your side isn't going to give the entire picture, and you would benefit more from a third-party input that knows how to mediate communication between the two of you.

Good luck.

radscorpion

If you're not in love, the answer is obvious to me... A divorce impacts children yes, but unhappy parents is much much more harmful. I would have preferrred two separate, happy parents rather than two miserable ones..

Life is too short to not be happy, I doubt this is just a passing thought you're having and I doubt this is news to your husband! If he is unwilling to change, or even if he is and you truly know deep in your heart that you're unhappy the answer is clear. Don't be afraid to be happy, in a year or two things will have settled and you'll wonder what took you so long and why you hesitated! Things seem so much more 'dramatic' in the now than they do in the future don't forget. Hope this helped, chin up!

Pfauxmeh

So I should stay with him even though I'm not in love?

If it really would hurt my children to leave maybe that is what's best.

Sounds like you've already made up your mind.

saragato

I would strongly caution you to speak with someone who knows you personally, and not ask for advice on any life decisions from random people on the internet. I'm sorry you are hurting, but this really isn't where you want to turn to for relationship advice. REALLY bad idea.

This. We're strangers who can only go on what you've given us. Seek advice from a friend or family member or try marriage counseling, don't turn to the internet because I can guarantee you a lot of the advice you'll get will just be people either on their soapboxes or spouting generic advice that wouldn't really help you.

eriemer

Talking and communicating are two different things.

You and your spouse are the only ones who are in your marriage. No one can help you decide what do do with it. Stay or leave, what or why you two decide to do isn't really anyones buisness. Asking for advise on a message board is not communicating with your spouse about the problem and finding the right solution for the two of you.

cloud2011

I know people talk about the difference between "in love" and "love," but I've been in the same relationship for 30 years (25 married) and I can say, I no longer understand the difference. Yes, I remember the feelings of infatuation and feeling I can't breathe if I'm not in the same room, but seriously, who can sustain that for decades? Yes, my heart still misses a beat when I see my husband, but the grind of daily life requires attention, too.

There are times when you will NOT feel "in love." But that doesn't mean you won't feel it again. There are times when you wonder, why this person? What did I do? But that isn't the time to divorce necessarily.

I think you need a counselor to figure this out. That's your best bet.

Respect and love are the cornerstones of a good relationship...if either of you feels unloved or disrespected, that isn't helping the marriage. But there is a great distance between starting to feel that way and divorce.

I'm not against divorce and have seen some people who are much better off divorced. In fact, my best friend is divorced and she was lucky to get out of a marriage to a verbal and physical abuser.

Fit4Evolution

it just seems like you aready made you mind up to fail the marriage and you need someone to agree with you some sort of affirmation. ask yourself why you fell in love to begin with.. you cant force anyone to believe what you believe either. once you get this issue resolved maybe things will lwork out..
just think about one thing he will always be there no matter what .. you have kids..

MarCarCas

I'm Pagan too, feel free to friend me and we can talk. My parents had a miserable marriage when I was growing up, and their divorce was actually really good for us all. However, I was 16 when they divorced and I could probably handle it better then really young kids.

Maybe educating your husband more about Paganism would help if he has some misunderstandings.

krystina_letitia9

So I should stay with him even though I'm not in love?

If it really would hurt my children to leave maybe that is what's best.

My parents divorced when I was 3.5 and my brother was 1. It sounds like your children are very young. I can say from experience that the divorce was tough on me (the process lasted a long time, long enough for me to remember), but in the end, when I look back, I remember the arguing at the end of the divorce, and I remember the peace after. Sure, I remember sad times, too, but my parents are happier now, and I don't think my brother and I turned out too badly, or are scarred from it either. You've got one life to life - if you're not happy, either work on it or change it.

Reeny1_8

So I should stay with him even though I'm not in love?

If it really would hurt my children to leave maybe that is what's best.

I got married on my 22nd birthday, he and I are now divorced (we had a daughter together). Things are hard when your in your 20's anyway because your figuring a lot of things out for yourself. Throw in a child (or 2) and a husband and it gets that much more complicated. Coming to a website full of people that you don't know is a bad idea all around. No one knows you, your husband or even your children like you do. Divorce is hard, painful and can be lengthy. As I got a little bit older and a lot more life experience you see things differently than you once did. My best advise to you from one young mother/bride to another is to get some marriage counseling and talk to your husband. Don't make rash decisions and really try to listen to how he feels too.

slowturtle1

As others have suggested, it sounds like counseling could be very helpful, whether that's marriage (couples) counseling, or individual counseling just for yourself. A good counselor will be able to hear your struggle and your pain and help you (and your husband if you choose couples counseling) to come to a decision about your future together or apart. Some people shy away from counseling for various reasons, but if you find the right counselor it can be amazingly beneficial. I wish you all the best.

Alicia_Monique

Marriage is a full time job. I say you try your hardest and if it's not working then it's not working. But... 3 years isn't very long...