Failing Marriage
Replies
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So I should stay with him even though I'm not in love?
If it really would hurt my children to leave maybe that is what's best.
Sounds like you've already made up your mind.0 -
I would strongly caution you to speak with someone who knows you personally, and not ask for advice on any life decisions from random people on the internet. I'm sorry you are hurting, but this really isn't where you want to turn to for relationship advice. REALLY bad idea.
This. We're strangers who can only go on what you've given us. Seek advice from a friend or family member or try marriage counseling, don't turn to the internet because I can guarantee you a lot of the advice you'll get will just be people either on their soapboxes or spouting generic advice that wouldn't really help you.0 -
Talking and communicating are two different things.
You and your spouse are the only ones who are in your marriage. No one can help you decide what do do with it. Stay or leave, what or why you two decide to do isn't really anyones buisness. Asking for advise on a message board is not communicating with your spouse about the problem and finding the right solution for the two of you.0 -
I know people talk about the difference between "in love" and "love," but I've been in the same relationship for 30 years (25 married) and I can say, I no longer understand the difference. Yes, I remember the feelings of infatuation and feeling I can't breathe if I'm not in the same room, but seriously, who can sustain that for decades? Yes, my heart still misses a beat when I see my husband, but the grind of daily life requires attention, too.
There are times when you will NOT feel "in love." But that doesn't mean you won't feel it again. There are times when you wonder, why this person? What did I do? But that isn't the time to divorce necessarily.
I think you need a counselor to figure this out. That's your best bet.
Respect and love are the cornerstones of a good relationship...if either of you feels unloved or disrespected, that isn't helping the marriage. But there is a great distance between starting to feel that way and divorce.
I'm not against divorce and have seen some people who are much better off divorced. In fact, my best friend is divorced and she was lucky to get out of a marriage to a verbal and physical abuser.0 -
it just seems like you aready made you mind up to fail the marriage and you need someone to agree with you some sort of affirmation. ask yourself why you fell in love to begin with.. you cant force anyone to believe what you believe either. once you get this issue resolved maybe things will lwork out..
just think about one thing he will always be there no matter what .. you have kids..0 -
I'm Pagan too, feel free to friend me and we can talk. My parents had a miserable marriage when I was growing up, and their divorce was actually really good for us all. However, I was 16 when they divorced and I could probably handle it better then really young kids.
Maybe educating your husband more about Paganism would help if he has some misunderstandings.0 -
So I should stay with him even though I'm not in love?
If it really would hurt my children to leave maybe that is what's best.
My parents divorced when I was 3.5 and my brother was 1. It sounds like your children are very young. I can say from experience that the divorce was tough on me (the process lasted a long time, long enough for me to remember), but in the end, when I look back, I remember the arguing at the end of the divorce, and I remember the peace after. Sure, I remember sad times, too, but my parents are happier now, and I don't think my brother and I turned out too badly, or are scarred from it either. You've got one life to life - if you're not happy, either work on it or change it.0 -
So I should stay with him even though I'm not in love?
If it really would hurt my children to leave maybe that is what's best.
I got married on my 22nd birthday, he and I are now divorced (we had a daughter together). Things are hard when your in your 20's anyway because your figuring a lot of things out for yourself. Throw in a child (or 2) and a husband and it gets that much more complicated. Coming to a website full of people that you don't know is a bad idea all around. No one knows you, your husband or even your children like you do. Divorce is hard, painful and can be lengthy. As I got a little bit older and a lot more life experience you see things differently than you once did. My best advise to you from one young mother/bride to another is to get some marriage counseling and talk to your husband. Don't make rash decisions and really try to listen to how he feels too.0 -
As others have suggested, it sounds like counseling could be very helpful, whether that's marriage (couples) counseling, or individual counseling just for yourself. A good counselor will be able to hear your struggle and your pain and help you (and your husband if you choose couples counseling) to come to a decision about your future together or apart. Some people shy away from counseling for various reasons, but if you find the right counselor it can be amazingly beneficial. I wish you all the best.0
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Marriage is a full time job. I say you try your hardest and if it's not working then it's not working. But... 3 years isn't very long...0
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So cut your losses and go.
I don't believe in torturing yourself for no good reason. I mean, I would agree with him, personally, that some bizarre pagan religious beliefs (and I would attribute the word "bizarre" to ANY religious beliefs), would be ****ing weird and discomforting. But that's something you've chosen, so it is what it is. You want what you want and if he can't respect and love the most authentic you, then you guys have a serious core problem.
The kids will be MUCH better off without growing up with two people in a loveless marriage. I dunno why people stick around when things suck. There are 7 BILLION people on this planet. Find one who works for you.
Yes, I know this is all easier said than done when you're the one in the situation, but the more you prolong it, the more convoluted and hurtful it will feel.
Just my PERSONAL OPINION.
In closing, BEST OF LUCK for your future happiness and that of your (soon-to-be-?)ex and kiddos. Have a happy life, dude.0 -
Should have mentioned this too, I have since remarried. I am a Christian and my husband is an atheist. We are not perfect and our marriage has been a lot of work. The religion thing has been a big issue and we work through it. In any case seek help and I wish you the best of luck in whatever you choice you makes,0
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It's not about in love. It's really not. Sometimes you are, sometimes you aren't. It's not a sustainable state of mind being bat crazy over someone. Ideally, you want to be best friends and lovers who respect one another and occasionally have moments of bat craziness. I think anyone focused on the "in love" isn't managing a long lasting successful relationship. They're probably flitting from in love with one person to in love with another.
That said, it's worrisome that he's the kind of guy that doesn't want to do couples counseling. This is where you discuss that it's a deal breaker to NOT do couples counseling. That you've been considering ending your marriage because of your issues and that you would prefer to resolve them but if that he's not willing to compromise you're not willing to stay.0 -
The hardest year of marriage is the one you're currently in. That's a magnet on my fridge. For better or worse is a vow that just isn't the same anymore. Everyone has their breaking points though. What mine my be may not be for others. You have to do what you need to do. But if you do divorce, please keep it civil. You're parents staying together and being unhappy is not the worst thing. It's having your parents hate each other after a divorce. Trust me, that's tough.0
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I would strongly caution you to speak with someone who knows you personally, and not ask for advice on any life decisions from random people on the internet. I'm sorry you are hurting, but this really isn't where you want to turn to for relationship advice. REALLY bad idea.
Best advice on here. Get off MFP and go work on your marriage. Don't let a bunch of anonymous strangers give you advice.0 -
If there is someone you respect in both your lives that you think could remain unbiased, (hard to do!), I would try talking ot them.
I would also insist on counselling, just be honest, tell him it isn't working the way it is going.
Marriage involves compromise, buy it shouldn't mean compromising your core beliefs and convictions.
I don't agree with staying in an unhealthy relationship for children's sake. People underestimate just how much children pick up on. However, I am in NO way for just walking away without doing everything you can to make sure you are making the right decision for you and your children.
Like others said, marriage is hard work at times, nobody here knows you or your husband, we just know the brief, one sided view you gave us. Sometimes it is very helpful getting outside advice, but take it with a big grain of salt.0 -
So I should stay with him even though I'm not in love?
If it really would hurt my children to leave maybe that is what's best.
Seek the advice of a professional... negotiate a middle ground of respect with your husband, negotiate agreeable compromises between you and he if you wish to stick it out. If the relationship is not abusive then sticking it out to see if it is workable will not be a life threatening situation. Although again... I would suggest professional counselling help for you and he. All this being said I know you will in the end do what you personally feel is your course and I would wish you luck in wherever that course takes you.0 -
Well, I was in a relationship for over a decade with a woman whom i loved very much. We compromised on things and all that did was cause trouble later on. We loved each other very much... We tried counselling and such.... It just didn't work, it was a very painful decision when we both decided to move on and continue our lives without each other... People use the compromise thing too much, and i've found that honestly? people don't really change. Please exhaust all the avenues of help you can find before calling it quits. But be real and be prepared to call it quits if you and your husband cannot work it out. I just hate when people say "COMPROMISE" ... Compromising is not a solution... ACCEPTANCE is a solution.. if the 2 of you after trying everything cannot accept important things about each other and it bothers each of you, then move on! Staying together because of having children is foolish. I don't have kids but have lots of friends with kids that have divorced an have also stayed together for the kids, and every time it comes up they say that it did more damage staying together than moving on. Above all COMMUNICATE and try counselling, but if he won't go, and things get worse or stay bad, then seperate for a bit and test those waters...0
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I wouldn't stay in a relationship "for the sake of the kids" but I'm sure as hell gonna fight and do whatever it takes to make it work.. I don't feel like you two are doing that..
You're not supposed to have the same hobbies because hobbies change, and they are what force us to keep our independence and do our own thing.... but values should more or less be on the same page.. Now as far as religion is concerned that's dependent on every couple.. but bottom line is we're all different and the key in a successful relationship is respecting who your partner is... I don't see why he's changing who you are or forcing you to hide it - you need to talk about that not "argue" ..
Weigh out the good and the bad, keeping in mind that a perfect relationship does not exist..as far as the whole living in the city vs farm.. you two need to have a serious sit down and discuss on compromise. Neither one of you is compromising.. Play pretend for a second and picture yourself on your farm practicing your religion the way you wish and doing whatever makes you happy without your husband there.. and the kids living between the two of you.. If that honestly makes you happy then you need to go with that.. but we all have days where the grass looks greener on the other side .. except you need to also think about the kids in this situation..
All the best!
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So I should stay with him even though I'm not in love?
If it really would hurt my children to leave maybe that is what's best.
Your children absolutely need their father in their lives.......If your personal beliefs are starting to threaten your childrens rights to a safe and secure relationship with their father you need to start rethinking your priorities......like it or not once you have children you transfer your rights to matter most to them.........
Part of growing up is realizing that you aren't always going to be "in love" with your partner.......that's why they put that part about for better or for worse...... there are times that I look at my partner and I honest to god can NOT stand him...... that being said.....he is my partner.... and I know from experience that this too will pass.... and the day is going to come again when I get to fall in love with that same amazing person I fell in love with five years ago.........meantime I will do my best not to choke the rat *kitten*
I'm just saying....... not judging :flowerforyou:0 -
I would strongly caution you to speak with someone who knows you personally, and not ask for advice on any life decisions from random people on the internet. I'm sorry you are hurting, but this really isn't where you want to turn to for relationship advice. REALLY bad idea.
Amen0 -
So I should stay with him even though I'm not in love?
If it really would hurt my children to leave maybe that is what's best.
I don't know if you have heard of/seen the movie "Fireproof" but it kind of hits on this topic. You should strive to be in love with your husband. He may not react the way you would like at first but shower him with love anyway.0 -
There is a scripture in the bible that if you are married to an unbeliever to not get a divorce but that your life may affect him and he would become a believer also! I would think about this seriously. You have children and this would affect them for the rest of their life! I've been through it and my ex-husband eventually left me! Talk to a pastor and really pray about this! My kids are still affected by this and they are grown now! Good luck to you!0
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I'm turning to you MFP, for advice. I've met so many wonderful people on this site...so I think I can trust your advice.
I am 23 years old.
My husband and I have been together for 3 years. Been married for just over a year.
I used to be a very spiritual person before I met him, but turned my back on it. (I am an eclectic pagan) I also used to be really passionate about certain political and ethical things. But again, I turned my back on it.
Within the past year I have found a lot of my faith and beliefs again.
This is affecting our marriage. We don't see eye to eye anymore. I love him, however I really don't think I'm "in" love. I feel like it might be time to move on.
But how do I even do that? We have two children together. I'm afraid my children will hate me for leaving their father.
you are very young and not who you are going to end up being by a long shot. You cannot ditch life partners every single road you go down, every new phase of growing and being you come upon.
You have children together... I think if you were developing a kind of allergy to the guy I'd seriously suggest counselling, but for now I'd say just finish your diet, look around at all the unfinished chores you have going in your life and finish them. Then when your head is clear of other issues, sit down and see how you feel.
We all look for global 'outs' when we are under pressure. Suicide being the ultimate one. But global outs are invariably chucking the baby out with the bath water. Just because you're going through a phase doesn't mean you have to wreck your family.
Sorry for telling it so bluntly - I have had one failed marriage myself, I think you have to treat carefully before you ditch it, and at 23 you are too young to know what you're doing. The fact that you've gone back to spiritualism etc is a bit of a sign of that - you'll grow out of it in a couple of years and then how will you feel knowing you threw your marriage away?
I mean - do you love the guy or not? And by love I don't mean romantic passion, I mean caring how he feels, caring how his life goes. Do you care if you rip him to pieces just to go all wiccan on his *kitten*? What's your bottom line? Just go out for a walk or something. Talk to him about life. Find out how he's feeling. Tell him you're frustrated and stressed. Communicate. If you can't do THAT your marriage is over, but you do have to give communication your best shot. 
We all have these crises but the trick is to not do anything about it till you're centred, and clear, and have a full understanding of the situation. All the best, marriage isn't easy. 0 -
Agreed.. .romantic love i.e. those in " love feelings", wax and wane in marriage.. and because you don't see eye to eye is not reason enough to walk away. You are not going to agree on everything.. granted religion and where you live are big areas but I think you need to give it more time and do absolutely everything you can to make it work.Marriage is not always about being happy and doing what you want. it's about compromise and partnership. If he was abusing you or the kids, cheating, doing drugs etc then I would yes leave him.."I love him but I'm not 'in love' with him." What does that mean anyway? Sounds like a line from a movie. I'm not "in love" with my husband 75% of the time either but I love him 100% of the time, and the 25% of the time I'm all giddy "in love" makes it worth it. Marriage is work. You have to work to maintain the "in love" feeling, you have to work to even just get along. You have children with this person. Try to make it work before you give up. Try for a good amount of time. 6 months to a year even.0 -
Love is not only a feeling. Love is an action. The first commenter was right. Go seek professional counseling, not web postings.0
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The verse goes on to say that if the unbeliever wants to leave, do not stop him/her. A believing man or woman is not bound in such circumstances. God has called us to live in peace. 1 Corinthians 7:15There is a scripture in the bible that if you are married to an unbeliever to not get a divorce but that your life may affect him and he would become a believer also!
This applies to Christians. I'm not sure how it would apply to non-Christians. Not knowing anything about the Pagan religion, I can't say if it would apply to them. I'm betting it won't.0 -
Giving advice is a responsibility. Are you all willing to take on the responsibility for what happens to OP if she takes your advice?0
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There is a scripture in the bible that if you are married to an unbeliever to not get a divorce but that your life may affect him and he would become a believer also! I would think about this seriously. You have children and this would affect them for the rest of their life! I've been through it and my ex-husband eventually left me! Talk to a pastor and really pray about this! My kids are still affected by this and they are grown now! Good luck to you!
Perhaps you missed the OP saying that she is PAGAN! I suspect (as a long-time Pagan), she does not believe in the bible or christian dogma. I'm sure you meant no disrespect to the OP, but proselytizing your religion could be viewed as offensive rather than helpful.0 -
I just wanted to say that I know the pain of being in limbo - not knowing what is the right thing to do for myself, for my child, for my partner, and so on. It's hard when you feel strongly what direction you want for yourself and children and your partner sees things differently.
You may feel pressure to make a decision RIGHT NOW. You don't have to rush. You have a lot to consider. If you leave, would the children go with you? Will you share custody? How will the grandparents fit in - holidays, vacations, family celebrations, etc. If you stay - what middle ground is available to you? How can you find some peace and calm for yourself in the midst of the chaos of life? .. especially life with 2 little ones!
Best wishes to you - and I mean that most sincerely.0
This discussion has been closed.
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