Eating Disorder Recovery (A Different Sort of Success Story)

acmpenguin

See this photo? It’s me.

No, I'm not a model. I'm not terribly skinny, but I'm not terribly fat. I'm not extraordinarily beautiful, and my hair doesn't always lay flat. In fact, in terms of looks, I'm pretty darn average. This is the first photo I've ever shared publicly in association with my eating disorder, and I'm posting it for a very specific reason: I want you all to see my smile. Why? Because this is the first photo in months, maybe even a year, that honestly captured a genuine smile.

Want to know why? I'm now over two months into recovery for my eating disorder, and I am honestly so genuinely happy that I wanted to share.

Looking at this photo, you wouldn't know that just a few months ago I was eating too few calories per day to function. My hair was falling out, my body couldn't heal itself, I was failing my classes, and I hated everyone, most of all myself. Every morning was a struggle to shower without passing out, and every night was a fight to stay awake long enough to do even a tiny bit of homework. I was miserable, and despite the fact that my disorder was born of an obsession with control, I had zero control over my own life.

I won't lie: the past two months haven't been easy. In fact, they've been downright challenging. I've cried myself to sleep, spent hours alone staring at food, and sworn I'd give up on recovery a thousand times over. The number of bagels I've eaten is astonishing, if not terrifying, and I've eaten more almonds in two months than most people will in their entire life. I've been grouchy, bloated, and so moody you'd've thought I was pregnant.

But you know what else I've been? Myself. I'm slowly rediscovering the person I was before I let this manipulative, mean, lying voice in my head take over my entire life. This girl loves Nutella, and baking, and cuddling without worrying if her stomach has a roll. She likes back rubs and bikinis and bacon, strapless dresses and sundaes and sleeping naked. So she doesn't wear a 00 or have a BMI below 20 - that's okay! There's so much more to life than counting calories or staring at numbers on a scale, and she's starting to understand that.

Is she perfect? Hell no, and she never will be... and that's okay. There are good days and there are bad days, but the grass truly is greener over here. Recovery is hard, but it's so, so worth it. You only get out of it what you put into it, and I can honestly say I've given it 110% of my effort. You know what else can be said? The grass is greener where you water it. Sure, putting enough food in my mouth each day is half the battle, but the more challenging battle is against myself and this liar who's taken up residence in my head. I'm having to rewrite the script of my daily thoughts, and undoing years of negative self-talk is no easy task. That said, I am already a hundred times happier than I was two months ago. Two months certainly isn't far into the recovery process, and I know I have a great ways left to go. That being said, taking that first step towards recovery is the best decision I've ever made, and I can only wish the same for everyone else, whether you struggle with an eating disorder or are simply trying to get a handle on loving yourself and moving in the right direction with your health habits.

I wish for each of you that you may learn to love yourself and have the courage to seek help with whatever you need. Rest assured in the fact that you are stronger than you realize. Do not be too proud to ask for help, and know that you are loved.

Generosity is giving more than you can, and pride is taking less than you need.
-Khalil Gibran

hoosier_red

I'm so glad that you're in recovery and doing so well. Yes, it will be difficult at times, horribly so. But you're proving with every day that you are stronger, smarter, and better than that horrid voice in your head, and you will overcome it. {{hugs}}

devilsangel2

Firstly, congratulations on your recovery and having the courage to post on here about the battle you have fought.

You are gorgeous and could easily be a model - thankfully just not one of those super skinny ones that you want to send food to. You're smile (which is quite obviously genuine) could light up an entire town, let alone a room and you look absolutely stunning.

Keep up the good fight and thank you for sharing your story :flowerforyou:

Colofit

Thanks so much for posting your story!!! May you be forever blessed with good health, love for yourself and from others!!! :0)

ericasmith64

WELL GOOD FOR YOU

BeautyFromPain

CONGRATS girlie i'm so happy for you

kiwi1855

You look perfect! Congratulations on your recovery thus far, and keep it up! That beautiful smile should never be hidden!

aqua_zumba_fan

You are very beautiful! Such an inspiring story and so happy for you to have discovered such an important lesson about life and who you are. I hope the struggle gets easier and enjoy the rest of your life now you've taken it back xxx

MOS3

Congratulations on your recovery. You look amazing, healthy and happy. x

myofibril

Kick....*kitten*.

Splendid achievement.

blakejohn

The only thing I would disagree with is................. you not average your "stronger" and I see a beautiful young woman.

Thanks for putting yourself out there to help others.

missbabygirlx

Well done!! Totally amazing and a great inspiration to other people!!

joebanker24

Congratulations on bringing back that smile and your achievements! Keep going with your progress.

scatgash

You truly are inspiring. Any time I feel like relapsing back into old habits, I should take the time to re-read this. Thank you for sharing

spackham

I am motivated by your story. Nothing is better than self-acceptance. You look great and it shows in your eyes!!!

echoica

Amazing post! You are an inspiration to all who are struggling with eds. I wish you continued success and strength on this most difficult journey xx

Tasha_uk

I actually cried reading this. well done! you are doing very well x

mrpurdy

Congratulations! One of the best successes I have read! You are beautiful!

Angelhurt

Your smile says it all......many blessings to you... and always keep smiling i hope i can smile like that one day xxx

JesterMFP

Congratulations! Your story is very inspirational and you look beautiful.

JacksMom12

I can relate with the daily struggle of recovery. Mine isn't for an ED, but for drugs, and your story is very inspiring! You are stronger than average and keep fighting, you are worth it! Congrats on your success and keep smiling! Well done!!

Lyra89

Personally, I think you are devastatingly beautiful. That smile would light up a whole room!

I'm so very happy for you, and even though I suffered a different type of eating disorder, I know how it feels to come through it fighting and to finally feel 'normal'

Hugs from Ireland! xxx

DanielleRN8

Congrats on your recovery! And you are beautiful just the way you are! Thanks for sharing!

countryrayne

Wow! You are so couragous! Thank you for writting this, I think you are very inspiring and I wish you the best of luck in your recovery!

kelzpop

Congrats on your recovery, keep up the great work. You look fabulous!

tzuris

Congratulations, and you look amazing! I'm happy to hear you're happy.

echoica

bump because everyone should read this amazing story!!

BarbWhite09

angieroo2

you look fantastic. congratulations on coming a long way

freenewme

Congratulations ... love the smile. Nice to see that recovery is possibale (one week into my recovery journy). Trully inspirring

KaleidoscopeEyes1056

This is an awesome story. Parts of it made me kinda teary-eyed, But, I'm glad you shared and I know you're going to be an inspiration to a lot of people on here!