Need mens honest thoughts

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KenziesMomma11
KenziesMomma11 Posts: 258 Member
in Motivation and Support
My Husband is active duty Army, an infantry soldier and in pretty damn good shape. We have been married 3 years in June and have a beautiful 1 year old Daughter. I was about 160 when we got married (saw that he searched google to get wife to lose weight), lost 30lbs while he was deployed (he showed more interest in me when he came home for leave...hence the baby lol), and then got up to about 195 after my Daughter (felt like he was grossed out by me). Now that I am on this weight loss/healthy living journey he is showing some pretty good support, but I feel its only because he wants me to look like a Victoria Secret model, which I never will...

SO HERE IS MY QUESTION....can you honestly love and be happy with someone you don't find physically attractive? I'm worried that if I don't get the results he pictures in his head...he might head...out...
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Replies

  • giantruss
    giantruss Posts: 100
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    yes you can but he should love you for so many of your attributes, physical appearance is but just one of these ,
  • FaugHorn
    FaugHorn Posts: 1,060 Member
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    So are you sure that he was looking into weight loss for you because he wants you to look like a model or that he wanted you to be healthy? Those are two very different things. I'm hoping it is the latter...
  • Qarol
    Qarol Posts: 6,171 Member
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    This makes me sad. It might be possible, but I have to ask...why would you want him to stay with you if he found you unattractive?

    Sounds like he's the one with the problem, not you.
  • bug1114
    bug1114 Posts: 268 Member
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    So are you sure that he was looking into weight loss for you because he wants you to look like a model or that he wanted you to be healthy? Those are two very different things. I'm hoping it is the latter...

    ^^^^THIS!

    Have you sat down and told him that you saw what he had googled, and asked him if he wants you to look like a model or to be healthy?
  • greeneyedredneckangel
    greeneyedredneckangel Posts: 79 Member
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    my old man gave me a ultimatium a little over a month ago he told me that if i did not lose weight he would leave completely
    i am 5*10 179 i carry weight pretty well because of my height i was comfortable for the most part with myself

    since i have figured out that i should not have to lose weight for him to want me he should want and be attracted to me and love me for me so now i am losing for me and if he dont want me i know there is someone out there who does and will love me for me no matter if i am over weight or not
    i dont think you can love someone if you are not attracted because part of love is attraction it is not true love in my eyes
  • hongruss
    hongruss Posts: 389 Member
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    yes you can but he should love you for so many of your attributes, physical appearance is but just one of these ,

    I have to agree with Giantruss, so much more than looks to a person.

    Russ
  • AmberJslimsAWAY
    AmberJslimsAWAY Posts: 2,468 Member
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    I have no advice, but that really sucks. I am so sorry... He sounds like a douche
  • Mrcheeks1
    Mrcheeks1 Posts: 4
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    My wife added almost 80 pounds when she was pregnant with our son (17 years ago) and has fluctuated in weight all thoughout our marriage. THe bottom line for me is that I love her for who she is and although I thought she looked better when she was thinner, I still found her attractive because I love her as a person. I can't speak for all men (or women for that matter), but that's how I feel. Love is love.
  • ShaunWV
    ShaunWV Posts: 25 Member
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    Couldn't agree more with Qarol. Sounds like his problem. He should love you for you, no matter what.
    On the other hand, there is nothing wrong with him wanting you to be healty.
  • Meatsies
    Meatsies Posts: 351 Member
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    GIRL! Okay, I'm not a man. Sorry. BUT, when I met my husband I weighed 125lbs. After our twins were born (I mean the day I got out of the hospital) I weighed 185. In the years following our twins' birth, I got up to 230 at my highest. Not proud of this. However, I was paranoid about my husband and how he would take it. We only got married because I wound up pregnant (not smart, I know). But one day, I took the bull by the horns, and talked to him about it outright. And he told me that he loved me MORE now, because we'd had time to grow as a couple, we had to work through a lot of difficult things together, and we'd gotten to know each other so much better. I truly believe...I truly KNOW...that he isn't nearly as upset about my weight gain as I am. You're ADORABLE. Seriously, I can't see much of you in the pic, but look at how beautiful you are. And honey, 160 isn't that really all that heavy. Your husband needs a major attitude adjustment if he's got any issues with your weight. For crying out loud, you carried his child, you care for that baby, you're a woman (hear you ROAR!). If he's an *kitten* to you because of your weight, he needs a serious reality check and a thunk on the head. It hurts my heart to hear that you judge your worth based on your looks, or even that you think that there's something WRONG with the way you look. AUGHHH!!!!
  • KenziesMomma11
    KenziesMomma11 Posts: 258 Member
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    I love him very much...

    I think he just has a weird issue with "fat"
    This makes me sad. It might be possible, but I have to ask...why would you want him to stay with you if he found you unattractive?

    Sounds like he's the one with the problem, not you.
  • AbbyCar
    AbbyCar Posts: 198 Member
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    Obviously, I'm not a man, but I feel compelled to put in my two cents.

    If you're husband cannot appreciate the body that gave birth to his child and the hard work that you are putting in now to make yourself healthy, then he is not worth it. I mean come on. You are a very pretty girl and while you may be carrying a few extra pounds, it's not as if you are morbidly obese. If his body changed, would you love him any less. I'm guessing not.
  • BIGJIMMYU
    BIGJIMMYU Posts: 1,221 Member
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    Well, it's like this. Women tend to be emotional and sensitivity driven creatures. Men unfortunately tend to be end driven physical based. That is fact. There are of course exceptions both ways. That is why MOST smut magazines, films etcetera are male oriented. Because they are generally the ones buying/renting them. Ask yourself this, if your husband someday gained say 60 pounds of beer gut would you be as sexually attracted to him as you are now? Honestly? Being a man, I don't know but maybe since women tend to desire that emotional attachment more than most men do. Most men like their women to be in the best shape that they can. Part of the allure is that the woman tries her best to look her best for us. Personally, I don't care. But if my wife let herself completely go in every way it would be a turnoff. Keep in mind of course there ARE EXCEPTIONS FOR BOTH THE SEXES. As long as both in a relationship try to look their best for each other that is all that matters. As long as it doesn't change who they are inside. (jeesh, what's up with me today? I feel like Tony Robbins!)
  • csimmons0914
    csimmons0914 Posts: 48
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    I am not a man, but I will say this. If you are bigger than you were when you got married than honestly I would understand his concerns. Now with that said, he should not compare you to another woman and want you to look like another woman because he married you for you. It is important to keep yourself in shape and looking attractive for your mate but if you get back where you were when you got married and he still isnt happy with you, those are his issues, not yours.
  • Justacoffeenut
    Justacoffeenut Posts: 3,808 Member
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    I'm not a guy but I can understand how you feel. I gained a lot with our last child (on mandatory bed rest whole time). I suggest talking with him. Tell him your goals and how you feel in a non attacking way. Cause bottom line regardless of what any guy on here says unless one of them is your husband you really still don't have your answer.

    Wishing you well on your journey and a long happy life together.
  • jclist1
    jclist1 Posts: 87 Member
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    The fact that you have a child together, the fact that you stand by him as he is deployed, that fact that you share so many things beside just how you look on the outside, should be what he loves about you. Hopefully he is being supportive to help you be healthy, not just go after a certain image. If not, then maybe you need to see if you are better off without someone like that in your life...
  • drmattski
    drmattski Posts: 124 Member
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    I agree with what others have said. I would add that love and physical attraction are not the same. For many, physical attraction is very important, but this will diminish as we age. That being said, being healthy and feeling good about yourself make up 90% of attractiveness IMHO :smile:
  • KenziesMomma11
    KenziesMomma11 Posts: 258 Member
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    I did talk to him about my issue with my weight and worry that he might leave and he told me he didn't care, that he loved me and thats why he married me...because I was his best friend and he loved being with me.

    BUT... I just can't get around how he gets so grossed out by people we see when we are out that are overweight but I am also overweight.
  • Abrowe313
    Abrowe313 Posts: 189 Member
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    well he could be just concerned for your health and wants you to just be healthier, in am dealing with this with my fiance she.. correction we have gained alot of weight since she got pregnant 5 years ago and now shes bigger than she was when she had our son. and i just worry about her alot. i love her now as much as the day we met but i want her to get healthy. he very easily could have looked up dating sites before he left. i would just bring it up and ask him, it could be something he wants to do with you! i would love to work out with my fiance but she has no interest in it right now
  • KenziesMomma11
    KenziesMomma11 Posts: 258 Member
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    I was bedrested at 4 months and lost my brother at 5 months along...gained alot from that point on.
    I'm not a guy but I can understand how you feel. I gained a lot with our last child (on mandatory bed rest whole time). I suggest talking with him. Tell him your goals and how you feel in a non attacking way. Cause bottom line regardless of what any guy on here says unless one of them is your husband you really still don't have your answer.

    Wishing you well on your journey and a long happy life together.

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