Need mens honest thoughts

KyleB65

Ouch! Tough question!

I am still amazed that someone a pretty as my wife is married to me!

She has not gained much weight in the 20 yrs we have been married.

Even though she is not overweight, I want her to work out and eat better as the change in lifestyle has done so much for me.

My experience is that marriage is hard work. There have been times where my wife and i could barely stand being on the same planet together let alone being married and living in the same house together. However, as with everything else that requires commitment and effort, the long term rewards are amazing!

If YOU want to live a healthier life, do so! It is that simple.

To answer your specific question, yes, most men place a high value on physical attractiveness. It is not the only thing we enjoy in a woman but it is there.

As a suggestion, is there some form of exercise you could do with your husband when he is home? Perhaps yoga? Anything that you can share together is always a good thing.

Best of luck!

drewbird911

Listen, I fantasize about models, actresses, etc. I have a thing for tall curvaceous redheads, skinny black women, short Asian girls and, for some reason, slightly butch lesbians. Bottom line here is that no woman on earth is going to satisfy all my sexual fantasies - there are just too many types I like. So I stick with the woman I love. She's not perfect, physically, or even perfect mentally, but she's pretty great and I love her madly.

My wife's Great-Grandma Used to say "I don't care where he get his appetite as longs as he comes home for dinner".

HodderAL

Here is my 2 cents...

My husband is fit, trim and very sexy. His hard body is what initially attracted me to him :blushing: When we met, it was an instantaneous attraction... and VERY physical!! I wasa around 180lbs then, but I was happy and confident enough in my own skin.

After some major stressors in our lives, I gained over 40 lbs. My husband loved me, BUT I didn't love me. And it showed. There was less physical activity. Not that he wasn't attracted to me, because he still loved to look at me, I just hated myself and that manifested everywhere.

Now I am working towards a healthier me, and my husband sees that. I have lost 19lbs so far, and gained almost all of my confidence back. Our physical intimacy has just about exploded off the charts and it's all because I am happier, and that shows. He is happy to "have the old me back" - it's not the body, it's the frame of mind. He has been extremely supportive... helping me weigh portions, reading labels, and just being there for me. I don't take this the wrong way now, as I know he is just trying to help me be happy :happy:

I guess what I'm trying to say is... your hubby probably sees how unhappy you are, and wants you to be happy again. He has already told you he loves you and he isn't going anywhere. Work on making yourself happy and bringing your confidence back... everything else will fall into place.

jplord

Your situation hit a nerve with me. I am in a similar fix. My wife told me about 10 years ago that I had let myself go and she was not physically attracted to me. I was deeply offended. She used the phrase, "I am repulsed by your appearance."

On the surface this is an indication to me of really superficial feelings. But she's stuck with me for these last 10 years while I never really made any progress or got traction with attempts at lifestyle changes. I've given her plenty of reasons to leave, but she's stayed, so I know she loves me. But she doesn't want to jump my bones....

SO now I am on MFP and joined a gym and trying to be accountable to demonstrate my commitment to change. I figure I better get back in shape and have some kind of abs while there is still a bone to jump. Time is running out....

In all of these years we have used family and marriage counseling and it is a good investment.

JanieJack

So are you sure that he was looking into weight loss for you because he wants you to look like a model or that he wanted you to be healthy? Those are two very different things. I'm hoping it is the latter...

Me too. As soon as we got married, my ex began to criticize my appearance. Not racy enough, not small enough, etc. It upset me because my weight actually dropped during our first two years (starving grad student). The first time in marriage that my ex was actually happy with my appearance was during a period of time that I was practically starving myself (0-300 cal a day- not smart). After my son, I lost weight a healthier way, but never got back down to the "starvation" weight.

While I really hope he's just concerned about your health, even if he's hoping you'll lose weight to look better, that doesn't always mean he wants a VS model. If an attractive spouse is one of his core emotional needs, I wouldn't fault him for wanting you to look your best, even if looks aren't the most important thing to you. Check out the "Physical Attractiveness" part of His Needs Her Needs by Dr. Harley (or visit his website here for an overview: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3330_att.html)

(edited to decrease run-on sentences, lol!

mickipedia

I've been in a very similar situation myself.. My boyfriend kept hinting about me losing weight which is one of the reasons why I started this journey (wrong reasons I know).

You need to ask yourself a few questions..

1. What size were you when you first started dating?

I was at my biggest when my boyfriend had the courage to tell me he'd had a thing for me for the last 2 years, that kinda tells me a lot.. If he fell in love with me at my biggest then all I've done is make it better for him

2. Who are you losing weight for?

I started doing it for him but now its for me.

3. Have you asked him why he wants you to lose weight?

I finally asked my boyfriend why he was pushing my weightloss and he said he wanted me to be healthy so we can have a family and a great future together.

4. You said he seemed more interested sexually when you'd lost a little weight.. Ever thought it was because you felt more confident?

Confidence = sexy. Sexy = bedroom time.

I understand exactly where you're coming from, you automatically point the blame at yourself if something doesn't seem right.. But its not necessarily that way.

Take a step back and I'm sure you'll see his true intentions are to make you a happier/healthier person. If you think he wants a tiny stick for a partner then you have the wrong bloke.

I wish you the best of luck and I hope he's wanting it for the right reasons :flowerforyou:

infamousmk

If he leaves you for your weight, the eff him - you're better off alone. HOWEVER, I do think there is a correlation between taking care of one's health and taking care of one's mental state. When you are in a place mentally where you want to be your best, and work hard at being healthy and taking care of yourself, you're going to be a better wife and partner. I could be wrong, but I'm operating under the assumption that he's an honest, good, man, and just wants you to be healthy mentally and physically.

Secondly, my fiancee loved me even though I gained 40 pounds after moving in with him (he says he didn't even notice, bless his heart), but he would be a liar and I would be naive if we ignored the fact that a woman in good health is more physically attractive than an obese woman. He supports me, is always asking me about progress and my goals, and I know it's not because he doesn't think I'm beautiful, it's because he cares about me as his partner.

Topsking2010

In my opinion your husband is concerned with your health and wants to be with you forever. Us men don't communicate well but I got the message. If he wanted to leave he would have already. I lost 50 pounds so I can be there for my daughter. It was the best decision I made.

When I need guidance on women's issues I don't seek advice from a man. I go to a women who advice I respect.

Ladies stop hating on us men!!

Just focus on your health and the pounds will come off!!

Top

dieseljay74

It's a sticky situation. I question someone's "love" for another if it's skewed by size. Yes attractiveness helps when single, but once it's a done deal I would be weary if someone said to me I needed to lose weight or was turned off by me if I gained a few pounds.

azlady7

This is not a male-only attribute. One of the reasons I was motivated to get back in shape is because being a fat man makes it very difficult to date.

agreed. i find women are pickier than men are actually. you will rarely see a skinny woman with a big man but it is more common to see a skinny man with a large woman. this isnt gender specific, its human conditioning and while we may not like that looks matter....they do. otherwise peacocks would strut their feathers and apes would pound their chest to show their strength. should looks matter? nope. but this is the natural order of selection. The healthiest strongest (which is asthetically pleasing to look at) is the way to ensure survival of humans. Its ingrained in us. but having said that....your husband is a jerk. he should love you and motivate you because he wants you healthy. your beautiful and he needs to buck up or he may just lose you to a man who sees all of your beauty

JanieJack

My ex-husband was an officer in the AF. We dated throughout college... my highest weight back then was about 110
...
He said that he'd never found me pretty, but I was skinny and that's what he liked. Now that I wasn't skinny anymore, there just wasn't that much to like. He'd been jealous for years of all his officer friends who had pretty, blonde, skinny wives, and I didn't have any of those "qualities".
...
I'm now happily married to someone who met me when I weighed 160. Now I'm up to 190 and he loves me just as much. I'd like to get back down to 150, and while he says he'd like me to weigh a little more than that (he likes chubby girls lol

So sorry you had to go through that. As a female officer I see it all the time. Makes me mad. I am so glad you found a keeper!

Tiff587

I really think you should talk to him, I think there is a very good chance that he wants to support you, and help you be healthy.

My other half is really supportive of my new lifestyle and the look I want to achieve, but I know he has loved me through skinny and tubby times. Sometime men aren't so good at saying things how we want to hear them, but I truly think sometime we just communicate a little differently.

Also you look beautiful!

:flowerforyou:

JanieJack

I am really sorry he is making you feel this way whether intentional or not. You deserve to be treated awesome not matter what weight you are!

Just wanna point out that he can't "make" her feel like this. *She* is making herself feel like this.

Many of us would feel worried too, but we control our feelings.

And bottom line, each of us has an appearance that appeals to us. Sure, our husbands should treat us awesome no matter what size and weight we are. But many of us don't want to just be treated awesome....we want our husbands to lust after us too.

working_hard

OK ... I am probably gonna get slammed for this, but oh well. You asked for honest! My wife and I have been married for over 15 years. As one would expect, we have both gained some weight over the course of that time (me more than her). She has never said it outright, but I can tell from her actions that, though she still loves me, she does not find me as physically attractive as she once did. More for my own self esteem than anything, I have started working hard at losing weight and am making some great progress (almost 40 lbs in 2012). I, on the other end, find her as sexy and beautiful as the first day we met. Seeing her belly button or legs gets me going as much as it ever did. (Sorry .... probably TMI.) However, because of her weight gain, SHE does not feel as attractive and sexy as she once did. As a result she is dressing more and more to hide the weight, but won't do anything about it. I would love nothing more than to see her in a bikini. But instead she wears bathing suits more fit for a 90 year old and just says, "I'm too old for a bikini. Deal with it." I have, numerous times, bought her sexy lingerie and have yet to see her in any of it. She always says, "When I lose some weight," but neer actually makes the effort to lose it. I WANT HER TO LOSE WEIGHT ... but not because I think she needs to lose weight for physical reasons. I want her to lose it because of the impact it has had on her self-image and the impact that, in turn, has had on our relationship. Bottom line ... if YOU FEEL overwieght and are not comfortable with the way you look, do something about it. But your man is probably like me and thinks his girl is as hot as ever regardless.

xALEXANDROx

Couldn't agree more with Qarol. Sounds like his problem. He should love you for you, no matter what.
On the other hand, there is nothing wrong with him wanting you to be healty.

^^this ^^

azlady7

OK ... I am probably gonna get slammed for this, but oh well. You asked for honest! My wife and I have been married for over 15 years. As one would expect, we have both gained some weight over the course of that time (me more than her). She has never said it outright, but I can tell from her actions that, though she still loves me, she does not find me as physically attractive as she once did. More for my own self esteem than anything, I have started working hard at losing weight and am making some great progress (almost 40 lbs in 2012). I, on the other end, find her as sexy and beautiful as the first day we met. Seeing her belly button or legs gets me going as much as it ever did. (Sorry .... probably TMI.) However, because of her weight gain, SHE does not feel as attractive and sexy as she once did. As a result she is dressing more and more to hide the weight, but won't do anything about it. I would love nothing more than to see her in a bikini. But instead she wears bathing suits more fit for a 90 year old and just says, "I'm too old for a bikini. Deal with it." I have, numerous times, bought her sexy lingerie and have yet to see her in any of it. She always says, "When I lose some weight," but neer actually makes the effort to lose it. I WANT HER TO LOSE WEIGHT ... but not because I think she needs to lose weight for physical reasons. I want her to lose it because of the impact it has had on her self-image and the impact that, in turn, has had on our relationship. Bottom line ... if YOU FEEL overwieght and are not comfortable with the way you look, do something about it. But your man is probably like me and thinks his girl is as hot as ever regardless.

no slamming here this is exactly howw my hubby feels. right on

TinkrBelz

OK ... I am probably gonna get slammed for this, but oh well. You asked for honest! My wife and I have been married for over 15 years. As one would expect, we have both gained some weight over the course of that time (me more than her). She has never said it outright, but I can tell from her actions that, though she still loves me, she does not find me as physically attractive as she once did. More for my own self esteem than anything, I have started working hard at losing weight and am making some great progress (almost 40 lbs in 2012). I, on the other end, find her as sexy and beautiful as the first day we met. Seeing her belly button or legs gets me going as much as it ever did. (Sorry .... probably TMI.) However, because of her weight gain, SHE does not feel as attractive and sexy as she once did. As a result she is dressing more and more to hide the weight, but won't do anything about it. I would love nothing more than to see her in a bikini. But instead she wears bathing suits more fit for a 90 year old and just says, "I'm too old for a bikini. Deal with it." I have, numerous times, bought her sexy lingerie and have yet to see her in any of it. She always says, "When I lose some weight," but neer actually makes the effort to lose it. I WANT HER TO LOSE WEIGHT ... but not because I think she needs to lose weight for physical reasons. I want her to lose it because of the impact it has had on her self-image and the impact that, in turn, has had on our relationship. Bottom line ... if YOU FEEL overwieght and are not comfortable with the way you look, do something about it. But your man is probably like me and thinks his girl is as hot as ever regardless.

Agree 100%!!!!

Thesoundofwolf

Doesn't sound like a healthy person, or a health relationship if he does not love all of you.

There is more then just a body.

There is the heart, the mind and the soul.

But there is also, in his defense, the concern- why does your body yo yo like that? What dark places do you go to, internally, to allow yourself that weight change? Why does his view on you, push you so hard?

What do you accept of yourself, and what do you not? It is your life first, always you first to be healthy. If you cannot be strong for yourself, you cannot be strong for others. For your child, for your husband for your friends and family. It is this sense of self-realization to come to terms with.

You are a woman. And you are of strength and endurance. It isn't dieting or weight loss you are looking for- but life changes and health.

mrmanmeat

I love him very much...

I think he just has a weird issue with "fat"

This makes me sad. It might be possible, but I have to ask...why would you want him to stay with you if he found you unattractive?

Sounds like he's the one with the problem, not you.

Everyone looks better w/ less fat. Period.

If he's in reasonably good shape, I don't see a problem with wanting you to be the same.

Call me an *kitten* if you want too, but do it for your health and then the rest will fall into place.

dmpizza

I don't want to be mean, but if you got marries at 160 pounds, you didn't look like a VS model.
SO THAT IS NOT WHAT HE WANTS FROM YOU.

If you have a weight issue, deal with it.
If you have a marriage issue, deal with that.

In your case I don't believe they are combined.

Good Luck with everything and thank your husband for his service.

KenziesMomma11

He never told me that he wanted me to lose weight, and if you saw my eariler response, I talked with him about my insecurities and he said he loved me and didn't care. Its really me who has the issue. I've come to realize this with all of the wonderful respnses I have gotten on here, which is what I was looking for.

It's a sticky situation. I question someone's "love" for another if it's skewed by size. Yes attractiveness helps when single, but once it's a done deal I would be weary if someone said to me I needed to lose weight or was turned off by me if I gained a few pounds.

CookieCrumble

my old man gave me a ultimatium a little over a month ago he told me that if i did not lose weight he would leave completely
i am 5*10 179 i carry weight pretty well because of my height i was comfortable for the most part with myself

since i have figured out that i should not have to lose weight for him to want me he should want and be attracted to me and love me for me so now i am losing for me and if he dont want me i know there is someone out there who does and will love me for me no matter if i am over weight or not
i dont think you can love someone if you are not attracted because part of love is attraction it is not true love in my eyes

I could cry at your post... you are tall for a woman and I would imagine, within a normal range or not far away from it. Your profile picture is lovely.

Yes, attraction is all important - it's what makes us want to find out more about a person but a person who loves you, having gone through the initial stages, does not ditch you at the first sign of a weight gain. If you lose the weight HE wants, what changes will you have to make then? This ultimatum is not the last, I guarantee it... <sad voice of experience emoticon>

I don't know what your 'old man' weighs but THAT's the weight I think you need to lose. Take that ultimatum and raise it to dumping him - there is somebody out there who will not give you an ultimatum to lose weight. You deserve a heck of a lot better than him and you need to realise that. I am rooting for some knight on a white charger to ride up on his horse, scoop you up on it, and ride off into the sunset with you... leaving your shallow, vapid 'old man' to his minor thoughts and major regrets.

You're lovely, really. :flowerforyou:

Thesoundofwolf

I don't want to be mean, but if you got marries at 160 pounds, you didn't look like a VS model.
SO THAT IS NOT WHAT HE WANTS FROM YOU.

If you have a weight issue, deal with it.
If you have a marriage issue, deal with that.

In your case I don't believe they are combined.

Good Luck with everything and thank your husband for his service.

Pizza.

Anyhow.

yeah the core of the issues is your head space in my honest opinion. It sounds like you are to willing to mold. To change yourself for him. And loosing yourself is the most dangerous thing in the world.

It is this submission to another, this sort of mental slavery. It is toxic, and wrong. And should never ever allow one to fall to it.

Xbwalker

Love is blind. Perhaps he wants you to be healthy but if your physical appearance is what is holding you both together, your relationship doesn't have tough soil to stand on. I find my wife attractive and she finds me attractive. Even at my max weight of 240 (working on that now). If he truly loves you for you then the relationship will hold.

Every man would idealy love a hott lady of course but when that little thing we call "love" comes into play, all that goes out the window. If he loves you truly, your weight won't matter. I'd ask him about it. Communication is the key to any good relationship. Never keep secrets and always be open.

TLCEsq

I think you've had a lot of great replies to this... from my personal experience, self confidence (or lack thereof) that relates to a female's appearance/weight has much more to do with the relationship issues than how the person actually looks. I was 215 when I met my husband, went all the way up to 230, lost all the way down to 167, then law school and the bar exam packed about 30 back on me. I'm slimmer than when we met and were married, but it affects me psychologically because I feel like I didn't have control of myself and screwed up a good thing because I was stressed out. I have a lot of hormonal problems now and losing weight has been VERY hard. That being said, my husband loves me and tells me I'm beautiful, he just hates to see how I let my appearance affect me. We went to Hawaii in December and the whole time I was preoccupied with my weight. I have things more under control now and am on a healthier path. My esteem issues caused some communication problems in addition to other issues in the relationship but we have moved past that. I'm trying to be more positive and feel good about myself NOW. I wouldn't be surprised if your husband just wants you to be healthy and happy because he can see that you are insecure and not happy with yourself. Only you can change that, and it sounds like you are on the right track! :-)

bjfmade

I did talk to him about my issue with my weight and worry that he might leave and he told me he didn't care, that he loved me and thats why he married me...because I was his best friend and he loved being with me.

BUT... I just can't get around how he gets so grossed out by people we see when we are out that are overweight but I am also overweight.

Don't make this into a bigger issue than it is. The best thing you can do is take your husband for his word. He loves you inside and out. As for the people you see out in public....he is only judging by the outside, looks only.
Be confident in who you are and are becoming. Quit dwelling on the things you don't like and concentrate on what you do like. You will get to where you want to be in good time, might as well enjoy the journey. Be positive and happy. There is nothing like being around a happy person.

mnwalkingqueen

yes you can but he should love you for so many of your attributes, physical appearance is but just one of these ,

I have to agree with Giantruss, so much more than looks to a person.

Russ

I agree with both of you my boyfriend who I love dearly is about 300lbs. I love him for more than just his looks and even though other people say he is fat as hell, he is perfect to me.

RyanDanielle5101

I don't feel that women (or men even) should get defensive about a significant other/husband/wife trying to express how they feel about a weight issue, when you are committed or married to someone communication is key, if both parties can't communicate honestly how they feel it only goes downhill from there.

I'm thinking he is trying to figure out the best way to talk to you about getting healthy and the losing weight part is a bonus!!

And because this happened to me, maybe you have been giving off an “I'm not happy with myself” vibe unknowingly and he wants back the happy (most importantly happy with herself) woman he married:)

PHS7

My wife added almost 80 pounds when she was pregnant with our son (17 years ago) and has fluctuated in weight all thoughout our marriage. THe bottom line for me is that I love her for who she is and although I thought she looked better when she was thinner, I still found her attractive because I love her as a person. I can't speak for all men (or women for that matter), but that's how I feel. Love is love.

I'm with you. My wife put on a bit of weight when she was pregnant 18 years ago and never fully took it off. Doesn't bother me though. I love the curves. She's a woman. I am more concerned about her being healthy. That is my number one concern. Maybe, just maybe, you're guy is feeling the same. I'd ask him, straight-up. If he's concerned about your health, it'll be a good thing. If he wants a model, buy him a Victoria's Secret Catalog and find someone who loves you for you. I can guarantee there's someone out there.

TourThePast

Obviously I'm not a man but I live in a male dominated world and most of my friends are male.

SO HERE IS MY QUESTION....can you honestly love and be happy with someone you don't find physically attractive? I'm worried that if I don't get the results he pictures in his head...he might head...out...

Some people might be happy for a while with someone who isn't physically attractive. But why would you want to be physically unattractive? You're here because you realise you need to be in better shape, not so your husband won't leave you, but for yourself.

I'm a woman, I find slender men sexy. When my boyfriend put on a lot of weight I loved him as much as ever. But I didn't find him physically attractive and our sex life sucked. He's now lost a lot of weight, so fortunately the question of whether I'd have stayed with someone in the long term who didn't turn me on didn't arise.

You cannot change what turns you on. Some people love long hair, some people get turned on by large breasts, some people get turned on by fit healthy bodies. Nobody wakes up one morning and says "Hey, I'll get turned on by fat women / thin women / rubber / shoes" or whatever.

Don't do it for him, do it for you.

Because you know that being fit and healthy is the right thing to be.