Need mens honest thoughts

TLCEsq

OK ... I am probably gonna get slammed for this, but oh well. You asked for honest! My wife and I have been married for over 15 years. As one would expect, we have both gained some weight over the course of that time (me more than her). She has never said it outright, but I can tell from her actions that, though she still loves me, she does not find me as physically attractive as she once did. More for my own self esteem than anything, I have started working hard at losing weight and am making some great progress (almost 40 lbs in 2012). I, on the other end, find her as sexy and beautiful as the first day we met. Seeing her belly button or legs gets me going as much as it ever did. (Sorry .... probably TMI.) However, because of her weight gain, SHE does not feel as attractive and sexy as she once did. As a result she is dressing more and more to hide the weight, but won't do anything about it. I would love nothing more than to see her in a bikini. But instead she wears bathing suits more fit for a 90 year old and just says, "I'm too old for a bikini. Deal with it." I have, numerous times, bought her sexy lingerie and have yet to see her in any of it. She always says, "When I lose some weight," but neer actually makes the effort to lose it. I WANT HER TO LOSE WEIGHT ... but not because I think she needs to lose weight for physical reasons. I want her to lose it because of the impact it has had on her self-image and the impact that, in turn, has had on our relationship. Bottom line ... if YOU FEEL overwieght and are not comfortable with the way you look, do something about it. But your man is probably like me and thinks his girl is as hot as ever regardless.

THIS!

alexianasmom

EXACTLY!!!

marieautumn

Oh and to add what i posted earlier, i work in the oil and gas industry so most of my coworkers are men. i hear their thoughts about their wives weight's all the time. their biggest complaint is NOT that she isnt a size zero, its that she has stopped caring about her looks and health all together. they complain that their wives are not able to feel comfortable in a bathing suit at the beach, they cant go on any vacations that involve physical activity and that their wives dont feel good about their body during sex. so its not that he wants you to be tiny, he wants you to be healthy and confident.

HersheyTeeJay

My wife added almost 80 pounds when she was pregnant with our son (17 years ago) and has fluctuated in weight all thoughout our marriage. THe bottom line for me is that I love her for who she is and although I thought she looked better when she was thinner, I still found her attractive because I love her as a person. I can't speak for all men (or women for that matter), but that's how I feel. Love is love.

I so like this response. Kudos to you! You should love someone for who/what they are on the inside. Outside appearances are only skin deep. That's so shallow. I was in a marriage for several years, and gained several pounds ... (which my husband did as well), and he would make snide little comments, such as ... "the difference between a girlfriend and a wife are 25 pounds" ... I'm happy to say that I am no longer married to him (he is since deceased as well).

I think it's important that we try to look as good as we can, and try to keep our appearance up. We are more attractive at a smaller size; that's just fact. Not to mention the fact that we are HEALTHIER at a smaller size. And I'm working on losing weight, not only for myself, but for my husband, because I want him to be proud to be seen with me. I simply want to be healthier.

But, he should love you just as much at any size that you are. He should love you for who you are; not what you look like on the outside. Good luck to you on this journey, and be healthy as well as happy.

ATGM41

What a bunch of silly replies. I especially like the ones geared toward "He should just accept you as you are"...what a crock.

When you get married, you make an investment....not a simple one that may or may not pay out over a period of time, not a temporary one that you can recover from if it backfires, but a full life-time investment. In order to live a full life without a lot of health issues, you certainly need to be healthy. We all know we can reach the end of our life prematurely about a zillion different ways without us being at fault for anything. Being unhealthy certainly stacks the odds up even higher...and you can't even begin to think of living happy in the golden years if you don't plan for it now, and part of that planning is doing preventive maintenance on your own body. Getting into shape, staying there, are bold challenges, but ones that are easy to achieve by maintaining yourself.
He has a very active life-style, the military is like that (I was in the Marines in the mid-80s...so I know) I think what he is asking you to do is to stay in shape so you two can have an active, healthy life together for many years to come, and nothing more than that.
He is thinking of the future. We all should.

mrmanmeat

yes you can but he should love you for so many of your attributes, physical appearance is but just one of these ,

I have to agree with Giantruss, so much more than looks to a person.

Russ

I agree with both of you my boyfriend who I love dearly is about 300lbs. I love him for more than just his looks and even though other people say he is fat as hell, he is perfect to me.

No one is perfect. And later in life, his health won't be perfect either. Now's a good a time as any.

Mershon88

From the opinion of a married man... I love my wife no matter what. A happy woman is WAY sexier than a unhappy woman. It sounds like your man loves you no matter what.

Your husband would much rather have a real woman with self confidence throw herself at him than have some self absorbed supermodel. What makes those models sexy (besides unreal bodies) is the way they pose - confidence oozes from them. They are so confident they dont even feel the need to wear clothes .

Find happiness and confidence in your pursuit of health. In no time you will throw on a sexy pair of underwear to see what ur buns look like in them and... The rest of the story will be told in bed.

^^ this

Rabid_Hamster

Well, it's like this. Women tend to be emotional and sensitivity driven creatures. Men, unfortunately, tend to be end driven physical based. That is fact. There are of course exceptions both ways....Part of the allure is that the woman tries her best to look her best for us. But if my wife let herself completely go in every way it would be a turnoff. Keep in mind of course there ARE EXCEPTIONS FOR BOTH THE SEXES. As long as both in a relationship try to look their best for each other that is all that matters. As long as it doesn't change who they are inside.

I tend to agree with this, but my reasoning cuts both ways. The people that TRULY care about themselves, make an effort to take care of themselves better, and therefore feel better about themselves. (Isn't that why we're all on here?) That feeling exudes confidence.
Don't worry too much about it. You're here, at least for the knowledge, at best to improve yourself. Focus on improving yourself, FOR THE RIGHT REASONS, and the rest will fall into place naturally.

stevewynjones

I love him very much...

I think he just has a weird issue with "fat"

Could be a millitary thing? Fit not Fat being the mantra?

KenziesMomma11

You are right, and I see that now. Thanks for your honest response

What a bunch of silly replies. I especially like the ones geared toward "He should just accept you as you are"...what a crock.

When you get married, you make an investment....not a simple one that may or may not pay out over a period of time, not a temporary one that you can recover from if it backfires, but a full life-time investment. In order to live a full life without a lot of health issues, you certainly need to be healthy. We all know we can reach the end of our life prematurely about a zillion different ways without us being at fault for anything. Being unhealthy certainly stacks the odds up even higher...and you can't even begin to think of living happy in the golden years if you don't plan for it now, and part of that planning is doing preventive maintenance on your own body. Getting into shape, staying there, are bold challenges, but ones that are easy to achieve by maintaining yourself.
He has a very active life-style, the military is like that (I was in the Marines in the mid-80s...so I know) I think what he is asking you to do is to stay in shape so you two can have an active, healthy life together for many years to come, and nothing more than that.
He is thinking of the future. We all should.

Mershon88

Men are slightly retarded when it comes to things like this.

:explode: :grumble:

i said "slightly" LOL :bigsmile: :flowerforyou:

Even the modified "slightly" is a slight on men. There are some who are genuine, caring and love their women for who they are on the inside. I know plenty of women who are more looks conscious than some of the sweet men I know. Such a double standard for women to be able to make these comments - far less tolerated when a guy does it back. Sigh.

Think you misunderstood what I was aiming at. I wasn't referring to them being retarded in wanting the supermodel type... It was to the fact that most (most.. not all) men have a harder time talking to their spouse about things like weight loss, as they find it difficult to help without saying something that could be hurtful. Which is probably the reason the OPs hubby went the google route.

TourThePast

But, he should love you just as much at any size that you are. He should love you for who you are; not what you look like on the outside.

Yeah, he should.

But if everyone who knew they "should do" something could easily translate it into "does" there would be no divorces or extra-marital affairs.

To the OP, sod what your husband thinks or wants, ditch the extra weight, get healthy anyway.

There is no downside!

DanTheRunningMan

I often think back to a particular visit to a drugstore a few years ago. I saw an older man pushing his wife in a wheelchair-- one of the extra wide ones. It had an oxygen bottle strapped to the side, she had a canula wrapped around her face, and I smelled her roll by. I have no idea whether her condition was purely medical, purely self-inflicted, or more likely, a mix of the two. But I remember seeing them and saying to myself that this is a future I D O N O T W A N T.

I do not want to wheeze into my 70s or 80s. I want to chase my wife around the kitchen and for us to rub our naked, wrinkled butts together in bed at night. I want the parts to still fit together comfortably. I want to spend our pensions on Bordeaux, not metformin.

Your husband sounds like a great guy to me. There's a lot of grey area between wanting a VS model and not wanting an old age of sickness and infirmity. I'm proud of you for getting yourself onto this site, doing the hard work, and working through the uncomfortable questions in your head. I've got a feeling you're going to be OK!

raechellg

in my own personal experience with weight gain and marriage it made me realize i had married a shallow person. I found out i was pregnant at 1yr of marriage which we had hoped for. and then when my son was a year old i was going to docs and doing lots of testing because i couldn't even hardly stand to get up and chase my son around and was just so drained and not loosing weight. and through all the stress of the testing deciding if i had ms or fibromyalgia his opinion of me had changed.. by our 3 anniv.. i finally gotten out of him why he was being so distant and not loving. he had decided that he couldn't figure out a way to help or support me with my issues and that my weight was a complete turn off to him. and if anyone has fibro then u know once the weight is there u play hell to get it off and hurt like hell trying. and that was also the reason i was having such a hard time bouncing back from the pregnancy which was also a very hard and horrible 9mos of pure sickness and lots of doc and er trips from all the problems. so here i was married to a man who no desired me.. it was even so bad that i caught him giving me the eww that's nasty look when he saw me getting out of the shower and of course almost becoming physically ill when trying to be intimate. but i had children and didn't desire a divorce. just wanted to be loved. so i managed to loose the weight and even hurt a lot less but by then i was tore down i had come to lothe the man i married. so i tried for several years to get past it and save the marriage.. at 10 years i finally gave up.. i was done begging for relations and wanted to be love and desired regardless of what i looked like and what my medical issues were. so i'm not looking for pitty but i will say that my experience has changed me. i will no longer tolerate someone treating like i'm not good enough and will never stay in relationship again that has no intimacy. and of course once you are broken down and then the feelings you have change from broken being broken hearted to completely disliking the other person then all the other little flaws you over looked before come out and become problems too. so my advice would be sit down and ask him what it is he is feeling and thinking.. that is what i finally had to do.. and just be prepared for the worse (which i was not) and then make a decision on what to do from there. def don't try to change yourself just for the other person to be satisfied because then you will always be paranoid if you gain 5lbs or don't look a certain way. and if this is a problem this early on then it will always be a problem and you will have to decide what you and him need to do to fix it. but if he is shallow now he always will be you can't change that.

KenziesMomma11

Thank you! This site and its participants have been wonderful!

I often think back to a particular visit to a drugstore a few years ago. I saw an older man pushing his wife in a wheelchair-- one of the extra wide ones. It had an oxygen bottle strapped to the side, she had a canula wrapped around her face, and I smelled her roll by. I have no idea whether her condition was purely medical, purely self-inflicted, or more likely, a mix of the two. But I remember seeing them and saying to myself that this is a future I D O N O T W A N T.

I do not want to wheeze into my 70s or 80s. I want to chase my wife around the kitchen and for us to rub our naked, wrinkled butts together in bed at night. I want the parts to still fit together comfortably. I want to spend our pensions on Bordeaux, not metformin.

Your husband sounds like a great guy to me. There's a lot of grey area between wanting a VS model and not wanting an old age of sickness and infirmity. I'm proud of you for getting yourself onto this site, doing the hard work, and working through the uncomfortable questions in your head. I've got a feeling you're going to be OK!

KenziesMomma11

You're right! NO DOWNSIDE!!

But, he should love you just as much at any size that you are. He should love you for who you are; not what you look like on the outside.

Yeah, he should.

But if everyone who knew they "should do" something could easily translate it into "does" there would be no divorces or extra-marital affairs.

To the OP, sod what your husband thinks or wants, ditch the extra weight, get healthy anyway.

There is no downside!

Tubby2Toned

This is an immensely sensitive topic.

If your man finds you more physically attractive carrying less weight, that does not make him a bad person, jerk, or shallow thinker.
And in fact, it's a very common way for most people to feel:
"Fit" very simply is generally more attractive than not.

I'm not sure that it's right to skirt around that very simple fact.

DANCHAN1

I understand that our spouses should love us for who we are and I am sure he does but he is obviously attracted to a slimmer body type than you currently have.

That is the reality people are attracted first by appearance there is nothing wrong with that. My hubby actually likes me bigger but I have to do what I feel comfortable at.

Do what YOU want to do. There are plenty of men out there that wish their wives were thinner. He never said anything to you he searched it up on the internet.

Maybe he was trying to help you. Do you continuously complain about your weight? Do you say things to him like I hate my body, or I don't feel sexy or comfortable at this weight? If that is the case then maybe he was trying to find a way to help you which would also benefit him and there is nothing wrong with that.

KenziesMomma11

I do complain about not feeling comfortable, especially now that its beach time. I have posted a few times now....I see that it is more in my head and I just need to keep up my hard work and the confidence will follow

I understand that our spouses should love us for who we are and I am sure he does but he is obviously attracted to a slimmer body type than you currently have.

That is the reality people are attracted first by appearance there is nothing wrong with that. My hubby actually likes me bigger but I have to do what I feel comfortable at.

Do what YOU want to do. There are plenty of men out there that wish their wives were thinner. He never said anything to you he searched it up on the internet.

Maybe he was trying to help you. Do you continuously complain about your weight? Do you say things to him like I hate my body, or I don't feel sexy or comfortable at this weight? If that is the case then maybe he was trying to find a way to help you which would also benefit him and there is nothing wrong with that.

martin_chicago

as a man that lost a lot of weight i ask the same questions myself not married
but when i was overweight the same girls that rejected me because i was overweight now are the ones trying to talk to me
because i look a lot better
i know it does not relate to your situation
i am a future soldier and i believe you love your women how ever she is
you met her in her model status but she had your kid so you should accept her how she is
don't pressure her to lose weight but let her do it on her own
i would only be concern for her health nothing more
i would not be a jerk about it because what would happen if i got overweight
i would not want her to leave me so that's my take on it

JNick77

Physical is not everything but definitely part of it.

LovingLisa2012

here is my story
when i started talking to hubby i was 245 (we met online, he told me he wouldn't be with anyone over 250)
by the time we met in person i was in 190s

my highest was 312 (August 2011)

we have been together since October 2nd 1999 (married April 14,2001)

and ya know what . he still acts like a damn teenage around me :blushing: (he is 43 ) :laugh:

we can't go out in public without him trying to get free feels and making comments if i bend over ..
and at home, ihe is very touchy feely etc (not complaining)

he loves me for me, yes he wants me to be healthy and is supporting me with my choices, but he still shows me every day he is attracted to me at 300 +

just my 2 cents

Inebriated

This is an immensely sensitive topic.

If your man finds you more physically attractive carrying less weight, that does not make him a bad person, jerk, or shallow thinker.
And in fact, it's a very common way for most people to feel:
"Fit" very simply is generally more attractive than not.

I'm not sure that it's right to skirt around that very simple fact.

Wreak_Havoc

Men are slightly retarded when it comes to things like this.

:explode: :grumble:

i said "slightly" LOL :bigsmile: :flowerforyou:

Even the modified "slightly" is a slight on men. There are some who are genuine, caring and love their women for who they are on the inside. I know plenty of women who are more looks conscious than some of the sweet men I know. Such a double standard for women to be able to make these comments - far less tolerated when a guy does it back. Sigh.

Think you misunderstood what I was aiming at. I wasn't referring to them being retarded in wanting the supermodel type... It was to the fact that most (most.. not all) men have a harder time talking to their spouse about things like weight loss, as they find it difficult to help without saying something that could be hurtful. Which is probably the reason the OPs hubby went the google route.

I'm a guy and I have to agree that some things I am guilty of being slightly retarded. And there are a few things about women that I need a helmet and short bus for! :sad:

As for the original topic, to the OP. Have you just sat down and asked him point blank what he feels and what he is willing to do the help you to {AS YOU DO THIS FOR YOU} get back the the body style you feel best with.

My wife is a little, MAYBE 20, over where she waswhen we met, but I love her even more now than when I met her.

LilRedRooster

What a bunch of silly replies. I especially like the ones geared toward "He should just accept you as you are"...what a crock.

When you get married, you make an investment....not a simple one that may or may not pay out over a period of time, not a temporary one that you can recover from if it backfires, but a full life-time investment. In order to live a full life without a lot of health issues, you certainly need to be healthy. We all know we can reach the end of our life prematurely about a zillion different ways without us being at fault for anything. Being unhealthy certainly stacks the odds up even higher...and you can't even begin to think of living happy in the golden years if you don't plan for it now, and part of that planning is doing preventive maintenance on your own body. Getting into shape, staying there, are bold challenges, but ones that are easy to achieve by maintaining yourself.
He has a very active life-style, the military is like that (I was in the Marines in the mid-80s...so I know) I think what he is asking you to do is to stay in shape so you two can have an active, healthy life together for many years to come, and nothing more than that.
He is thinking of the future. We all should.

That. Totally.

I get pissed of when people say things like "He should just accept you, no matter what." Marriage is not unconditional. You marry someone with the conditions they won't cheat, won't abuse you, will support you as a person, and will do their best to be around for you. You do the same. It's not an unconditional agreement, because if it were, divorce wouldn't need to exist.

I would accept my partner getting a bit bigger, or changing physically, to a point. If I felt like his changing were really a health detriment, in that his choices would limit his time with me and my daughter, I would be worried, not as attracted to him, and would try and help him change. Perhaps your partner is worried about the same thing. Not about you "looking" a certain way, but actively maintaining a lifestyle that would ensure you two can survive the rest of your lives together, and be happy.

huntindawg1962

Gosh, are you even sure he "Googled" it? Google also does the auto-fill in now that all you do is start typing anything and it brings up the most common searches that match what you are starting to type.

I guess I would say to start without the "presumed guilty" approach and dig in (in case you did not mention that on the 5 pages of this thread and I skimmed over it).

belgerian

This was my wife and I but it was her trying to get me to excersise and loose weight.. I have no fixes only my story. I started hitting the gym with her, I saw that this was becoming a part of her life and wanted to be a part of it. Then I had some suspecians and then found out she was starting to form relationships with other men. I used to run alot while in the military so thats what I started doing then my father died and some other stressful situations. I turned to running for my stress reliever along the way I started eating better and lost weight. Since then weve had other situations arise that turn out had nothing to do with me or my weight at the time becouse now I am at a healthy 185, I can easily run 8-12 miles and easily pass the APT test for a 18 year old. We are still working on things and still married. She too would make comments about how heavy other ppl are and still does.
To be honest for him it is easier to stay in shape when you have mandatory PT 5 days a week starting at 6am. You can pretty much eat all those calories back and not even pay attention. Not to mention the physical demands of his MOS. Im not making excuses for you either becouse most posts have a gym if you want also if he is deployed you are a single parent while he is gone so it is harder for you. I just wish you the best. You need to do it for you. I dont run for my wife I dont eat better for my wife. If anything I do it for my kids and myself I like the way I feel I like being able to go for a 2 hour run, I like the strenght it gives me. It does not and did not happen overnight.

SirZee

...mandatory PT 5 days a week starting at 6am.....

Lucky you. We were done by 6:00am with PT(45min) and shower(30 sec), getting ready for 6:30 inspection.

jenluvsushi

Just my 2 cents.....when I am feeling good about myself, I am sexy to my hubby because I feel sexy. Maybe your hubby feels the same way? If I am feeling good about the way I look, I am happy and fun to be around like when we first met. I want to go places, I laugh more and I dress cuter. When I am feeling fat, I am depressed and generally a drag to be around. This is why my hubby wants me to lose weight....not because he isn't attracted to me (I can't beat him off of me with a stick fat or thin) but because I am unhappy and depressed when I am overweight. I think your hubby loves you and he just wants his old sexy girlfriend back....that's you by the way!

Angie80281

What a bunch of silly replies. I especially like the ones geared toward "He should just accept you as you are"...what a crock.

When you get married, you make an investment....not a simple one that may or may not pay out over a period of time, not a temporary one that you can recover from if it backfires, but a full life-time investment. In order to live a full life without a lot of health issues, you certainly need to be healthy. We all know we can reach the end of our life prematurely about a zillion different ways without us being at fault for anything. Being unhealthy certainly stacks the odds up even higher...and you can't even begin to think of living happy in the golden years if you don't plan for it now, and part of that planning is doing preventive maintenance on your own body. Getting into shape, staying there, are bold challenges, but ones that are easy to achieve by maintaining yourself.
He has a very active life-style, the military is like that (I was in the Marines in the mid-80s...so I know) I think what he is asking you to do is to stay in shape so you two can have an active, healthy life together for many years to come, and nothing more than that.
He is thinking of the future. We all should.

This! I've been trying to convey this point to my husband for over a year now. While his physical appearance plays a role in my desire for him to lose weight, it infuriates me that he doesn't take into account the affect that his unhealthy choices are going to have on me and the kids down the road.