Need mens honest thoughts

auticus

This is not a male-only attribute. One of the reasons I was motivated to get back in shape is because being a fat man makes it very difficult to date.

I was divorced because of my weight. My wife would make fun of me and tell me I was wasting and crippling her youth and that she was embarrassed of me because of my weight. She left me for it. To her, physical attraction was the primary facet of her relationships.

Some people (many people) require a strong physical attraction, particularly those below the age of 40 where physical presence is the most important facet of a relationship to some people (many people).

Some people (many people) confuse love with lust. If the other person stirs the fires within our crotch, we say that we love them. The fairy tale is nice, but honestly as animals - humans require physical attraction, and being fat isn't attractive. That's why many of us are here.

Misscolaface1989

You should loose weight for your self not because you husband is looking for a secret model . Talk to him bout the situation how its making you feeling .

numindan

My wife added almost 80 pounds when she was pregnant with our son (17 years ago) and has fluctuated in weight all thoughout our marriage. THe bottom line for me is that I love her for who she is and although I thought she looked better when she was thinner, I still found her attractive because I love her as a person. I can't speak for all men (or women for that matter), but that's how I feel. Love is love.

Sounds like you and my husband were cut from the same cloth. While, at my heaviest, he used to comment quietly about how much he'd like me to be more active so we can do more things together (hiking up mountains, etc.), he never once said he no longer found me attractive. He was just as "raring to go" then as he is now that I've lost a significant portion of the weight. I've always felt loved and cherished in our 16 years married.

The only comment he's made on my weight loss (as opposed to being happy with my improved fitness level) is when he looks at a photo taken of me when I was larger. He's said a few times that he had to do a double take when he looks at the photos because he has a hard time identifying the woman in the photo as me because I never looked fat to him (I was clinically obese at one point) when I was heavier.

That said, he had no problems identifying me in a crowd after I'd lost 65 lbs while he was on tour in Afghanistan. Maybe there's some truth to our loved ones (and use) holding a mental picture that may differ from reality. Perhaps that's why they say love is blind?

IamRoJ

Men are slightly retarded when it comes to things like this.

:explode: :grumble:

i said "slightly" LOL :bigsmile: :flowerforyou:

Even the modified "slightly" is a slight on men. There are some who are genuine, caring and love their women for who they are on the inside. I know plenty of women who are more looks conscious than some of the sweet men I know. Such a double standard for women to be able to make these comments - far less tolerated when a guy does it back. Sigh.

GroupXZ

I love him very much...

I think he just has a weird issue with "fat"

This makes me sad. It might be possible, but I have to ask...why would you want him to stay with you if he found you unattractive?

Sounds like he's the one with the problem, not you.

Is he more concerned about your health than your looks maybe?

njean888

To answer your question, NO! I realize you wanted a man's opinion but oh well. Perhaps I'm a little too vain but I married my husband when we were both very serious about our fitness and we both were in good shape. Fast forward 10 years, I still have a passion for fitness and thrive to look my best everyday! Hubbie not so much. I have asked him repeatedly to get in shape. He has not. Yes, it has changed the way I feel and I have expressed that to him.

KenziesMomma11

Totally off topic....GO CUBBIES GO!

Men are slightly retarded when it comes to things like this.

:explode: :grumble:

i said "slightly" LOL :bigsmile: :flowerforyou:

Even the modified "slightly" is a slight on men. There are some who are genuine, caring and love their women for who they are on the inside. I know plenty of women who are more looks conscious than some of the sweet men I know. Such a double standard for women to be able to make these comments - far less tolerated when a guy does it back. Sigh.

JDMPWR

This is where you screwed up. Men and honesty rarely go hand in hand.

On a serious note. I have dated and loved a few women that had gained weight or ended up getting thinner then when we first started dating.

I know one female that I randomly see an old picture of and she considered herself to be overweight but to me she looked perfect. I liked her then as much as I liked her at a thinner weight. I think it's really dependent on the person and is vanity is a big definition of their "love" for you.

KenziesMomma11

hahahhahahah

This is where you screwed up. Men and honesty rarely go hand in hand.

heylatimer

From the opinion of a married man... I love my wife no matter what. A happy woman is WAY sexier than a unhappy woman. It sounds like your man loves you no matter what.

Your husband would much rather have a real woman with self confidence throw herself at him than have some self absorbed supermodel. What makes those models sexy (besides unreal bodies) is the way they pose - confidence oozes from them. They are so confident they dont even feel the need to wear clothes .

Find happiness and confidence in your pursuit of health. In no time you will throw on a sexy pair of underwear to see what ur buns look like in them and... The rest of the story will be told in bed.

Justjoshin

Blunt-

If he can't find you attractive, he won't want to be with you.

However, hopefully he finds you attractive regardless, and was just hoping to help you be healthy.

myogibbs

GIRL! Okay, I'm not a man. Sorry. BUT, when I met my husband I weighed 125lbs. After our twins were born (I mean the day I got out of the hospital) I weighed 185. In the years following our twins' birth, I got up to 230 at my highest. Not proud of this. However, I was paranoid about my husband and how he would take it. We only got married because I wound up pregnant (not smart, I know). But one day, I took the bull by the horns, and talked to him about it outright. And he told me that he loved me MORE now, because we'd had time to grow as a couple, we had to work through a lot of difficult things together, and we'd gotten to know each other so much better. I truly believe...I truly KNOW...that he isn't nearly as upset about my weight gain as I am. You're ADORABLE. Seriously, I can't see much of you in the pic, but look at how beautiful you are. And honey, 160 isn't that really all that heavy. Your husband needs a major attitude adjustment if he's got any issues with your weight. For crying out loud, you carried his child, you care for that baby, you're a woman (hear you ROAR!). If he's an *kitten* to you because of your weight, he needs a serious reality check and a thunk on the head. It hurts my heart to hear that you judge your worth based on your looks, or even that you think that there's something WRONG with the way you look. AUGHHH!!!!

I TOTALLY agree. When I was younger, I tried to keep up with the little petite tiny girls and I ended up unhealthy and sick all the time. Love yourself for who you are...a beautiful, healthy, amazing woman...and oh, by the way, the mother of his child...confidence is VERY attractive on anyone...regardless of size...best of luck to you!!!

bluefox9er

My Husband is active duty Army, an infantry soldier and in pretty damn good shape. We have been married 3 years in June and have a beautiful 1 year old Daughter. I was about 160 when we got married (saw that he searched google to get wife to lose weight), lost 30lbs while he was deployed (he showed more interest in me when he came home for leave...hence the baby lol), and then got up to about 195 after my Daughter (felt like he was grossed out by me). Now that I am on this weight loss/healthy living journey he is showing some pretty good support, but I feel its only because he wants me to look like a Victoria Secret model, which I never will...

SO HERE IS MY QUESTION....can you honestly love and be happy with someone you don't find physically attractive? I'm worried that if I don't get the results he pictures in his head...he might head...out...

I'm sure he loves you for reasons other than your looks.people who enter relationships based on looks alone hardly last 3 weeks, never mind 3 years.

Plus, you are doing what you can to be healthy..for you, for him and for your family.

Believe me when I tell you, for every Victorias secret model, there's also a guy that is sick and tired of putting up with her s**t.

ChevyChick88

GIRL! Okay, I'm not a man. Sorry. BUT, when I met my husband I weighed 125lbs. After our twins were born (I mean the day I got out of the hospital) I weighed 185. In the years following our twins' birth, I got up to 230 at my highest. Not proud of this. However, I was paranoid about my husband and how he would take it. We only got married because I wound up pregnant (not smart, I know). But one day, I took the bull by the horns, and talked to him about it outright. And he told me that he loved me MORE now, because we'd had time to grow as a couple, we had to work through a lot of difficult things together, and we'd gotten to know each other so much better. I truly believe...I truly KNOW...that he isn't nearly as upset about my weight gain as I am. You're ADORABLE. Seriously, I can't see much of you in the pic, but look at how beautiful you are. And honey, 160 isn't that really all that heavy. Your husband needs a major attitude adjustment if he's got any issues with your weight. For crying out loud, you carried his child, you care for that baby, you're a woman (hear you ROAR!). If he's an *kitten* to you because of your weight, he needs a serious reality check and a thunk on the head. It hurts my heart to hear that you judge your worth based on your looks, or even that you think that there's something WRONG with the way you look. AUGHHH!!!!

Yes^^ I agree with the above. Iam really sorry he is making you feel this way whether intentional or not. You deserve to be treated awesome not matter what weight you are! I hope you get this all figured out!

KristysLosing

I did talk to him about my issue with my weight and worry that he might leave and he told me he didn't care, that he loved me and thats why he married me...because I was his best friend and he loved being with me.

BUT... I just can't get around how he gets so grossed out by people we see when we are out that are overweight but I am also overweight.

OK...this will be harsh and you will not want to hear this....and I know that I will be slammed. But, you said that he loves you and he married you because you are his best friend. BAM! Enough said....he loves you and will not leave you.

NOW...do something to get your body back the best that you can. Yes, having kids changes our bodies, but it should not give us a reason to stay heavy. I know because I have 6 kids.

MY DH is a university professor, super hot, really nice, great sense of humor....so I hear ALL of the time how hot my husband is. College girls love him and so do all of my female friends. Now, I have had 6 kids. Each time I gained 50-60 lbs! My babies weighed 9-9.5lbs!!! This last pregnancy, I was 2 or 3 lbs shy of my husband AND I was 39. So weight does not come off as easily.

So 18 months later....I was still 15lbs overweight BUT at 39, it was not a good looking 15lbs, it was that loose saggy arms, horrible inner thighs, stretch marked tummy skin still filled with fat. I did some soul searching....is THIS how I am going to look for the rest of my life? Now, my hubby would never leave me, but, I want him to lust and desire me!!! So, I joined a gym last year.

Started getting the weight off, then decided because of my age, it was time to build some muscle...because I did not want to be skinny, I want to look athletic and fit. Now, I do not look like a VS model and I do not look as good as I did before kids....but for a 42 year old mom of 6 kids....I look pretty good. MY hubby loves that we can eat a lot of the same things because I do higher protein medium carbs meals, we do protein shakes and bars....AND, he thinks that I am super hot.

Men are visual...that is just how it is...give him something to look at. Again, you may not be pre-baby body....but I promise you that if you workout and eat well and he sees you trying and he sees a difference, he is going to LOVE that and will LOVE your body!! And do not worry about the scale. I am 12-15lbs more than when we got married....but I have a lot more muscle now then I did back then. So, just do what you can do to look YOUR best...don't compare yourself to VS models or Hollywood...remember all of their pictures are airbrushed anyway!!

I hope you don't get slammed for this reply. I think it's perfect. He said he loves you and you're his best friend. I completely understand. My husband has told me the same thing, but I still worry he'll want to go and find someone who looks better. I think we've hit the nail on the head here.

marieautumn

well he knew what you looked like when he married you, so i wouldnt worry that he wasnt attracted to you. but perhaps he wants you to be happy with you and he can sense that you are not happy with the way you look. also, if you gained 40lbs after a baby, thats easy to understand, however now its time to take that weight back off. the older you get, the more weight you will put on if you dont do something about it. its not about getting model skinny, its about being healthy and able to enjoy life and do the things you and your family like to do with out physical limitations.

DeanneLea

I've been through this as well. To me, it sounds like he is being supportive. The internet search was probably just because he was at a loss as to how to speak with you about it. It's one of the most sensitive issues you can bring up with a spouse so asking/looking for advice is justified. When a woman is happy with her weight and body, you can see that all over her face and personality. I would bet that when he sees you happy, that means much more than the actual weight loss.

If my husband gained weight, I would want to help in any way. I don't think I'd be blatant but more like just do things together(go for a run, etc) to be healthy. It sounds to me like your husband would be this way too. I know where insecurities can get us and I can totally relate to where your head is at right now. The bottom line is you have to do this for YOU. If you can focus on that, I think that the rest will fall into place.

KenziesMomma11

Yes. After reading everyones awesome comments and thinking about it a bit, I belive he just wants me to be healthy and happy with myself. I am my own worst enemy sometimes but I am working on that.

Blunt-

If he can't find you attractive, he won't want to be with you.

However, hopefully he finds you attractive regardless, and was just hoping to help you be healthy.

DeanneLea

I did talk to him about my issue with my weight and worry that he might leave and he told me he didn't care, that he loved me and thats why he married me...because I was his best friend and he loved being with me.

BUT... I just can't get around how he gets so grossed out by people we see when we are out that are overweight but I am also overweight.

OK...this will be harsh and you will not want to hear this....and I know that I will be slammed. But, you said that he loves you and he married you because you are his best friend. BAM! Enough said....he loves you and will not leave you.

NOW...do something to get your body back the best that you can. Yes, having kids changes our bodies, but it should not give us a reason to stay heavy. I know because I have 6 kids.

MY DH is a university professor, super hot, really nice, great sense of humor....so I hear ALL of the time how hot my husband is. College girls love him and so do all of my female friends. Now, I have had 6 kids. Each time I gained 50-60 lbs! My babies weighed 9-9.5lbs!!! This last pregnancy, I was 2 or 3 lbs shy of my husband AND I was 39. So weight does not come off as easily.

So 18 months later....I was still 15lbs overweight BUT at 39, it was not a good looking 15lbs, it was that loose saggy arms, horrible inner thighs, stretch marked tummy skin still filled with fat. I did some soul searching....is THIS how I am going to look for the rest of my life? Now, my hubby would never leave me, but, I want him to lust and desire me!!! So, I joined a gym last year.

Started getting the weight off, then decided because of my age, it was time to build some muscle...because I did not want to be skinny, I want to look athletic and fit. Now, I do not look like a VS model and I do not look as good as I did before kids....but for a 42 year old mom of 6 kids....I look pretty good. MY hubby loves that we can eat a lot of the same things because I do higher protein medium carbs meals, we do protein shakes and bars....AND, he thinks that I am super hot.

Men are visual...that is just how it is...give him something to look at. Again, you may not be pre-baby body....but I promise you that if you workout and eat well and he sees you trying and he sees a difference, he is going to LOVE that and will LOVE your body!! And do not worry about the scale. I am 12-15lbs more than when we got married....but I have a lot more muscle now then I did back then. So, just do what you can do to look YOUR best...don't compare yourself to VS models or Hollywood...remember all of their pictures are airbrushed anyway!!

This is perfect!

KenziesMomma11

cheers!

well he knew what you looked like when he married you, so i wouldnt worry that he wasnt attracted to you. but perhaps he wants you to be happy with you and he can sense that you are not happy with the way you look. also, if you gained 40lbs after a baby, thats easy to understand, however now its time to take that weight back off. the older you get, the more weight you will put on if you dont do something about it. its not about getting model skinny, its about being healthy and able to enjoy life and do the things you and your family like to do with out physical limitations.

loseweightjames

SO HERE IS MY QUESTION....can you honestly love and be happy with someone you don't find physically attractive? I'm worried that if I don't get the results he pictures in his head...he might head...out...

depends.....

my ex-fiancee was 115 lbs size 0 eating mcd's all day. I started out loving it, but when i found my body wasn't built like that and ballooned to 200+ it wasn't fun anymore.

wife is 257 right now. She was about 200 when we met, 250 when we got married. I love it. When we eat bad, we both gain. When we diet, we both lose. That's what I wanted.

Unless you are ready to maintain the same fitness he is in then i don't see this lasting, he's going to want someone in the same shape he is in. Birds of a feather flock together.

edit - the fact you're positing means you're sensing something not quite right

ironanimal

A woman that cares about her health is attractive. One that seems to have 'let herself go' isn't. Men react the way they do to your physiology, because it's an in-built instinct to seek a healthy mate to have your children.

becca3211

There better be a lot more about a person than his or her looks. after years gone by your looks may be gone but the person inside is usually what most couples fall in love with. your beautiful girl.....dont let anyone tell you different. :flowerforyou:

Wickedmeowmer

Well, I am a girl but I find this interesting because I was having lunch with my old roommate the other day and HE (no we never dated strictly friends) asked me how he should go about getting his wife to lose weight. At first I was going to give him absolute $H!% because his wife is lovely, maybe honestly only about 10 lbs overweight if any ( I have no idea how much she weighs, but she looks to be a size 8-10 and about 5'6.) But he interrupted my potential tirade, by prefacing it with a story about his ex who was thin when they married and gained 6 dress sizes in a few years, so he wasn't unhappy with her then, but was freaked out she would get much larger. He has also seen her mother who is VERY large, so he has some merit.

I do think men equate ladies trying to look their best with love, like gaining weight is a symbol of lack of caring when in reality as ladies know we just feel 'comfortable' or we call it 'happy weight'. LOL! OH! Or we are busy trying to cook nice meals for him, so instead of our single days of eating a just sandwich or cereal for dinner we eat a nice pasta dinner or steak with our man!

BTW, I told him if he was worried about it (he is a nice guy he wouldn't like divorce her over fat, actually his last marriage ended because chubby wife CHEATED on him) he should recommend they get healthy together. Under the guise of eating out less, going on evening walks and being in optimal shape for the baby they are trying for.

I dont think this guy is necessarily a jerk, maybe he just didnt know how to go about it the right way...

Dare2Believe

Look at all you women jumping on this poor guy, calling him a douche. From everything I've read he's been very supportive of his wife and it's mostly her own insecurities that are plagueing her.

He's told you he loves you forever, no matter what. He sounds like a great guy. Now go ahead and work on getting in shape so you can feel better about you.

This!

Espressocycle

Listen, I fantasize about models, actresses, etc. I have a thing for tall curvaceous redheads, skinny black women, short Asian girls and, for some reason, slightly butch lesbians. Bottom line here is that no woman on earth is going to satisfy all my sexual fantasies - there are just too many types I like. So I stick with the woman I love. She's not perfect, physically, or even perfect mentally, but she's pretty great and I love her madly.

drewbird911

I know I will love my wife no matter what, but I also know she is much happier when she is more fit.
So I try to encourage her but don't want to nag... It's a fine line.

All the best to you and yours... And know that he loves you very much.

BruteSquad

First of all, I am a man. I find it funny that in the topics that say " Women, I need an opinion" that mostly men answer, and in "Men, I need an honest opinion" mostly women answer.

You asked for HONEST thoughts. Here is the deal. If you love a woman, you love her. HOWEVER, it doesn't mean you always find her attractive. And that may not have to do with weight. If the men are honest, they will tell you, if the woman you love has a favorite dress that he thinks is hideous, he most likely won't tell you. If you are being *****y and mean or are being unreasonable, he won't tell you, but you are not attractive at that moment. He still loves you.
Something you may not realize, is that when you stress about your weight, even if you are doing something about it, you become less attractive because you are not seeing yourself as attractive. That self projection can be huge, and not something he can put his finger on.
Now, the cold hard truth is, you are not as attractive at 250 lbs as you are at 150 lbs. (for most women). I am not as attractive at 425 lbs (where I started) as I will be at 300 lbs or less. Does that mean he loves you less? NO. But loving someone and being turned on by them is not always the same. And the turn offs don't have to be anything as direct as weight, although it can be. Anyone that believes he should love me however I am, is right. However, anyone that believes another person should be turned on by them (women or men) regardless of weight or appearance or attitude may be kidding themselves.

Now, before you flame on with unreasonable rants.... appearance, in the eye of the beholder, changes as the depth of a relationship grows. I have seen beautiful looking women that I lost all interest in as soon as they started talking. I dated a woman in New Orleans that, the first time I met her was when she was woken up at 2 am to come give us a ride. In her pajamas, hair askew, and she was at least 40 lbs, and honestly more like 60 lbs overweight. I was in shape back in those day....ahhhh. But I got to know her and we dated for 2 years. Her weight was never an issue, after I got to know her. Two years after she left me for an old boyfriend I saw her at about 150 lbs overweight, and I don't know, if I had still been with her, if I could have let her get that heavy without saying anything. (I obviously allowed myself to get there and probably should have had something said to me.) But the motivation would have been more about health than looks. More interested when a woman is at optimum weight AND health, of course. But NOT uninterested because of some weight.

You don't look all that big or heavy.

Those are my honest thoughts.

KenziesMomma11

Its beach time, we have gone twice and I won't wear a swimsuit. My insecurities are high right now and my mind has been racing.

SO HERE IS MY QUESTION....can you honestly love and be happy with someone you don't find physically attractive? I'm worried that if I don't get the results he pictures in his head...he might head...out...

depends.....

my ex-fiancee was 115 lbs size 0 eating mcd's all day. I started out loving it, but when i found my body wasn't built like that and ballooned to 200+ it wasn't fun anymore.

wife is 257 right now. She was about 200 when we met, 250 when we got married. I love it. When we eat bad, we both gain. When we diet, we both lose. That's what I wanted.

Unless you are ready to maintain the same fitness he is in then i don't see this lasting, he's going to want someone in the same shape he is in. Birds of a feather flock together.

edit - the fact you're positing means you're sensing something not quite right

jeni8383

hi, i have gained 50lb since having my 2 children and my husband loves me for who i am inside, i think you need to talk to him about how you feel..