Need mens honest thoughts

BAMFMeredith

I'm not a man, but I am going to throw out some thoughts.

First, I'm glad you talked to him about it.

You said you found that he googled how to get your wife to lose weight, or something similar. Maybe he was looking for help in how to express what he was feeling, that is, he wants you to be happy and healthy. It's pretty much drilled in to people that "you never talk about a woman's weight to her." He may have felt uncomfortable broaching the subject with you because it IS such a sensitive topic. Are you truly happy at the weight you're at? He may see that too and just be trying to help but is really bad at it.

As far as the comments, well, I don't really think he sees you as "one of them," so that's why he's comfortable making them.

Just my $.02, take it for what you will. Hope things get better

This is pretty much exactly what I was going to say. I once was googling "how to get my boyfriend to work out." Not because I thought he was fat or anything, but because I knew he would be happier with himself if he was back in the kind of shape he used to be in when he was playing baseball. It was honestly out of love for him, but I didn't know how to say it without it sounding like you're fat, hit the gym.

There's a pretty safe bet he doesn't realize his comments about others bother you, because he doesn't see you that way. Let him know how that makes you feel and ask him why he googled that. If he can't give you a direct answer that is something positive, then perhaps he's being shallow, but given what background you've told me, I seem to think he is not trying to hurt you or make you feel inadequate intentionally.

ashreynolds09

my old man gave me a ultimatium a little over a month ago he told me that if i did not lose weight he would leave completely
i am 5*10 179 i carry weight pretty well because of my height i was comfortable for the most part with myself

since i have figured out that i should not have to lose weight for him to want me he should want and be attracted to me and love me for me so now i am losing for me and if he dont want me i know there is someone out there who does and will love me for me no matter if i am over weight or not
i dont think you can love someone if you are not attracted because part of love is attraction it is not true love in my eyes

I'm so sorry to you and the OP that your men would make you feel like this! Good for you for deciding that you are going to lose weight for you, not for him! And OP I hope this is your true reason for being here! Personally, my husband tries to sabotage all of my attempts to be healthy, but I'm not doing this for him ...I'm doing it for me. I am on a road to be the best me possible...with or without him!

Angie80281

So are you sure that he was looking into weight loss for you because he wants you to look like a model or that he wanted you to be healthy? Those are two very different things. I'm hoping it is the latter...

I have a male friend of mine in a similar situation, and in his case, it's both of these factors. His wife was fit and gorgeous when he married her, but over the past 15 years, she's put on quite a bit of weight, to the point of easily outweighing him by 50 pounds. He's very health conscious and works out, and she shuns any kind of workout or eating plan he suggests. He loves her dearly, but their sex life is suffering because he's no longer physically attracted to her. However, he's also concerned about her health, especially since they have two young children. This is usually the angle he approaches their discussions from (to no avail) because he doesn't want to hurt her by saying she doesn't turn him on.

It's a biological fact that men are generally visually oriented when it somes to sex. While your husband should love you regardless, it's not fair to expect him to still have the same feelings of intimacy when you're heavier. That's just how they're designed. Is it asking too much to make a change that will benefit both your health and appearance?

BrettPGH

Look at all you women jumping on this poor guy, calling him a douche. From everything I've read he's been very supportive of his wife and it's mostly her own insecurities that are plagueing her.

He's told you he loves you forever, no matter what. He sounds like a great guy. Now go ahead and work on getting in shape so you can feel better about you.

Mershon88

If he isn't flat out calling you "fat" or "heavy"..... or telling you that you need to lose weight... I wouldn't think too much into it. Men are slightly retarded when it comes to things like this. Yes, it is true that they do like their women to look good.. BUT for the most part (and I think this may be the case with your husband) guys aren't happy if their wife/significant other isn't happy. He may just be picking up and how you feel about your weight. Going on google and looking up stuff like that probably shows he is trying to help YOU feel better about yourself.....not him feel better about looking at you. He may have just been trying to find some secretive way to help that way you don't assume he is calling you chubby. As far as him "paying more attention to you after you lost weight... you have to think about it... did YOU show more self esteem at the lower weight than you did when you were heavier? It's strange, I know, but when you think about it... we women always seem to think it's our partner who isn't giving the attention....when in fact it is actually us. When you feel better about yourself.. so will he. I do agree... a man should love you for who you are... not what you are or what you look like. But you cannot expect him..or anyone for that matter... to be attracted to someone who doesn't FEEL attractive. Hopefully this makes sense. LOL.

KenziesMomma11

you are right, i'm innocent, lazy and don't have to change....thats why i am on this site and changing my eating habits and starting to workout again....

asshat..

Maybe he wants you to be healthier and live longer?

There's about a dozen reasons other then visual/physical that he may want you in better shape.

It's not that hard. If you're doing it for him, you're doing it for the wrong reason. Guys'll leave and cheat for other things as well.

And stop making it out to be a situation where he's wrong and you're innocent and lazy, and don't have to change.

If you wanna be in better shape, healthier and happier, do work, son.

SirZee

Dear OP. The fact your man is Army is a huge factor. I am ex-Army, your are conditioned for optimal fitness and disdain for unfitness from the start. This works towards everyone, not just you, and especially against himself. (Side note, let him know to plan ahead when he leaves the Army, its bad enough that you depart the 'brotherhood'--something most people don't understand--but then your fitness will drop, your weight will rise, and that stuff becomes brutal in your self critique).

Understand that he is very conflicted, on the one hand he loves you very much (assuming this is true), and on the other he sees your weight gain as a temporary problem that is easily fixable with good old fashioned elbow grease and application of army 'training/knowledge'. He also knows he can't just order you (hence the 'off hand remark' the other army wife poster mentioned) but he will try everything to 'incentivise' you to choose what he knows to be the 'right path'. To him to to just 'accept it as you are' and not try to improve would be equivalent to giving up on you.

No need to flame, I am just giving a soldiers perspective on these things.

KenziesMomma11

Yep. Insecurity does a crazy number on the mind.

Look at all you women jumping on this poor guy, calling him a douche. From everything I've read he's been very supportive of his wife and it's mostly her own insecurities that are plagueing her.

He's told you he loves you forever, no matter what. He sounds like a great guy. Now go ahead and work on getting in shape so you can feel better about you.

BrettPGH

Men are slightly retarded when it comes to things like this.

:explode: :grumble:

elysianashes

My ex-husband was an officer in the AF. We dated throughout college... my highest weight back then was about 110 (I'm 5'6" so that was pretty low). We graduated, we got married the next month and he went to training the month after that. Over those first few years my weight went up, finally reaching a normal healthy range. When I hit 125 he told me I was "letting myself go" and he found it gross. He had me working out 6 days a week and would tell me he didn't want me eating fast food. Sex was with the lights off. He'd make comments about how he wished I looked like so-and-so.

Eventually, at 140lbs, after 6 years of marriage and lots of fights, he told me he was in love with someone else. He said that he'd never found me pretty, but I was skinny and that's what he liked. Now that I wasn't skinny anymore, there just wasn't that much to like. He'd been jealous for years of all his officer friends who had pretty, blonde, skinny wives, and I didn't have any of those "qualities".

I moved out shortly afterwards, and it was the best decision I've ever made. Looking back, I realize we fought constantly, and a lot of that was due to my weight but a lot of it was also that we just didn't mesh well together to begin with.


I'm now happily married to someone who met me when I weighed 160. Now I'm up to 190 and he loves me just as much. I'd like to get back down to 150, and while he says he'd like me to weigh a little more than that (he likes chubby girls lol), he also says it doesn't matter because that's not what he loves about me. He wants me to be happy, because that makes him happy.


So, if your husband thinks you'd be happier if you lost weight - for yourself, not for him - then that's good that he wants to encourage it. Talk to him about it. Let him be your supporter. But if he wants you to lose weight because he's embarrassed... please watch that red flag.

RumOne

I did talk to him about my issue with my weight and worry that he might leave and he told me he didn't care, that he loved me and thats why he married me...because I was his best friend and he loved being with me.

BUT... I just can't get around how he gets so grossed out by people we see when we are out that are overweight but I am also overweight.

I was 134 when I met my hubby ( we were teens) and before I started losing weight I was 261. I have lost almost 25lbs and belive me, even though he has always been attracted to me (I don't know how), he is way more into me now and I can't wait to get to goal To make sure I help myself along, I am starting heavy lifting when I get half way to goal.

I am Fat and I get grossed out by others (and myself).

KenziesMomma11

Thank you! After reading others perspective on the situation I realize this, thats why I asked. I am well aware that I have insecurities due to my weight gain and can be irrational, I've been just that in this situation.

Dear OP. The fact your man is Army is a huge factor. I am ex-Army, your are conditioned for optimal fitness and disdain for unfitness from the start. This works towards everyone, not just you, and especially against himself. (Side note, let him know to plan ahead when he leaves the Army, its bad enough that you depart the 'brotherhood'--something most people don't understand--but then your fitness will drop, your weight will rise, and that stuff becomes brutal in your self critique).

Understand that he is very conflicted, on the one hand he loves you very much (assuming this is true), and on the other he sees your weight gain as a temporary problem that is easily fixable with good old fashioned elbow grease and application of army 'training/knowledge'. He also knows he can't just order you (hence the 'off hand remark' the other army wife poster mentioned) but he will try everything to 'incentivise' you to choose what he knows to be the 'right path'. To him to to just 'accept it as you are' and not try to improve would be equivalent to giving up on you.

No need to flame, I am just giving a soldiers perspective on these things.

chell53

just wanted to say HUG's to you.............and not to ruffle anyones feathers he is a Military man and fit because he has to be, I am not putting him down, I can say that cause my father was Military and my husband (Marines) so I know the life.
I have been married now for 38 yrs. and yes my husband use to say if I gained weight he would pack my bags and send me home to mom.......let's just say this when we married I weighed 110 now many many years later her I am at 184 my highest weight was 198. He never packed the bags I am still here two children and 4 grand children later. It is just the Military mentality. I too use to have those thoughts of he (my husband) was not pleased with the weight and use to feel he didn't want to be with me............not true, those feelings will pass and as long as you both keep the communication open everything will be fine. I am losing now slowly and my husband has learned not to tell me how good I am looking because when he does that like he use to do in the past I would stop all exercise and then go back to the way I was.

Guess I can add he has been retired since 1993 and I can just say if men could have children then he would be at least 6 months, which I still love him the same and now he says to me that when he looks at me I still look like I did back when I was 20.....guess what I mean to say to you is be happy with you and don't stress that is not good for weight loss............everything will be good.....lot's of love to you........smile

deksgrl

BUT... I just can't get around how he gets so grossed out by people we see when we are out that are overweight but I am also overweight.

There may be some other reason he feels this way that isn't solely related to "attraction". My boyfriend's ex is very lazy, she would not do even the bare minimum as far as house cleaning and caring for the children. She will do laundry and that's about it. Everything is a mess. He always had to clean the bathrooms because she just didn't. Now I can tell you the man is not a neat freak at all, but she grossed him out. He now equates "fat" with lazy, unclean and gross. Yes, I know and you know that not all fat people are lazy and dirty, logically he knows this too, but that is like some kind of trigger for him, relates to his experience.

Since you have talked to him and he has reassured you he loves you and you are best friends, then I think you are going to be okay. Lose the weight for you.

Mershon88

Look at all you women jumping on this poor guy, calling him a douche. From everything I've read he's been very supportive of his wife and it's mostly her own insecurities that are plagueing her.

He's told you he loves you forever, no matter what. He sounds like a great guy. Now go ahead and work on getting in shape so you can feel better about you.

Amen.

SirZee

BUT... I just can't get around how he gets so grossed out by people we see when we are out that are overweight but I am also overweight.

There may be some other reason he feels this way that isn't solely related to "attraction". My boyfriend's ex is very lazy, she would not do even the bare minimum as far as house cleaning and caring for the children. She will do laundry and that's about it. Everything is a mess. He always had to clean the bathrooms because she just didn't. Now I can tell you the man is not a neat freak at all, but she grossed him out. He now equates "fat" with lazy, unclean and gross. Yes, I know and you know that not all fat people are lazy and dirty, logically he knows this too, but that is like some kind of trigger for him, relates to his experience.

Since you have talked to him and he has reassured you he loves you and you are best friends, then I think you are going to be okay. Lose the weight for you.

Almost exactly on the point. For an Army (mentality) man FAT = WEAK. Weak gets you killed.

awesomebob621

I have been married 42 years and my wife and I are both over weight and unfit although physical beauty may be good eye candy being together for the long haul and intimate not just physical caring for each other is more important than looks what if you husband got burned or lost a limb should you love him even less no you should still maintain that bond one off the things that glues us together is are commitment through Christ whom we worship not just on Sunday but every day of the week because you have been separated for a long time and your time is devoted too you baby I would suggest some us time to enjoy a date out and grow together

Mershon88

Men are slightly retarded when it comes to things like this.

:explode: :grumble:

i said "slightly" LOL :bigsmile: :flowerforyou:

HBBrown78

You didnt look like a victorias secret model when you married (Im assuming because you said you never would) Yet he fell in love with you and married you. I want my husband to loose weight also but we have discussed it. I am very worried he will have a heart attack because heart problems run in his family. If he had a heart like an ox and was 400lbs I would stil love him. I just care. I hope this is the same for your husband

KenziesMomma11

Once he said something really gross, and I cuss like a sailor, burp, fart, drink beer, laugh at dirty jokes, but it was something you just don't say to your wife and I had to remind him I wasn't one of his soldiers and that some things need to be different with your wife. He looked stunned and appologized. He can't just turn it off, and I have to understand, and remind gently.

BUT... I just can't get around how he gets so grossed out by people we see when we are out that are overweight but I am also overweight.

There may be some other reason he feels this way that isn't solely related to "attraction". My boyfriend's ex is very lazy, she would not do even the bare minimum as far as house cleaning and caring for the children. She will do laundry and that's about it. Everything is a mess. He always had to clean the bathrooms because she just didn't. Now I can tell you the man is not a neat freak at all, but she grossed him out. He now equates "fat" with lazy, unclean and gross. Yes, I know and you know that not all fat people are lazy and dirty, logically he knows this too, but that is like some kind of trigger for him, relates to his experience.

Since you have talked to him and he has reassured you he loves you and you are best friends, then I think you are going to be okay. Lose the weight for you.

Almost exactly on the point. For an Army (mentality) man FAT = WEAK. Weak gets you killed.