toxic family or friends who try to undermine your weight los

susannamarie

Send your "sister" a message; un-friend her immediately. You don't need her. If that was my sister, she'd have got a punch in the face by now. And keep going. everything you do to improve you is a step in the right direction.

I agree.

plzlbsbegone

I am so sorry that you have to deal with this. Your sister sounds like a very unhappy person. If it makes her happier to see you miserable, then she doesn't deserve you! Your commitment and dedication to a new you, deserves pride from your loved ones. Luckily, you are getting that from your husband! I would seriously have a talk with your mother, tell her how you feel, tell her everything you told us. I believe she will come around when she realizes how much pain this has caused you. Having said that, I would also have a little chat with your sister. Tell her, "Look, if you can't be supportive and loving to me, like a sister should be, then I don't need you in my life!" Then, spend family time with your mom, without her. Schedule seperate days to celebrate. Maybe your sister will wake up and realize how ugly she has been to you, maybe she will continue to be her miserable self, but you DO NOT deserve this! Being overweight can be fixed, being an ugly person on the inside....is going to take a lot more effort on her part!!!!

Amanda421

ONLY a 12 min mile??!!! That's WONDERFUL!. But I am so sorry to hear your own sister acts so childish and ugly. Please don't lose confidence in yourself and keep up the hard work. You will come out on top!

WilliamD80

Wow ! It is hard to "unfriend" family but, it seems to me that you are in a toxic situation. I would slowly reduce the amount of time spent with them and change privacy setting on FB. You can always love your family but that doesn't mean you have to like them. Being family doesn't mean they get a pass for being mean to you, or auto friendship. You are doing great !!

YouAreTheShit

There are vampires in this world, MAKE NO MISTAKE OF IT!

Not vampires in the sense of the fairy tale stories, but vampires that prey upon people and desire to suck the very life out of them and destroy their whole heart and mind.

I know of many people who have VAMPIRES SUCKING THE LIFE OUT OF THEM!

The only way to get free is to stop the blood sucking, life depleting activities that are slowly killing you.

There are some family members that don't deserve your time and attention. Frankly, they don't deserve that you ever speak to them again!

Get free of the vampires and start living your life again... or maybe for the first time EVER!

~ kcwebguy

HotCuppaJo

I am a very new member here, but it seems like there are a lot of great people here who are in the process of dropping weight and getting fit or have accomplished their goals, and I thought maybe some of you have had similar experiences and could help me with my problem.

All my life I have had weight problems. My sister and mother both pride themselves on their 80-90 pound bodies and laugh, pick on me, make snide comments, or feel it's ok to disrespect me for being a fat disgusting slob.

last year at a family get together, my mother gave me a size 4x( size 28-30W) shirt for a present. I was shocked as yes I was fat at a size 16/18, but I certainly was not a 4x. They both giggled uncontrollably when I opened the present.

My sister has a regular habit of taking the worst pictures of me and tagging me on facebook. It's always the picture of when I bend over to pick something up, or right as I put a bite of food in my mouth. I always leave family get togethers feeling worse about myself.

My husband told my sister, don't take pictures of her and post them on facebook, but to no avail. It seems like she relishes putting up the grossest pictures of me on facebook and tagging me. Once I asked her to see the pics she took and picked one out that wasn't terrible and said if you must post on facebook, please post this one, or nothing at all. When I got home, the picture of me that looked decent was not posted, instead she had gotten some even more mortifying ones and posted those.

After that humiliating experience, I decided enough was enough. I dusted off my bike, located my old running shoes, and made a decision that from that day forward not one bite of fast food would ever pass my lips again.

Fast forward to a year later. I now average 100 miles running a month and 200 miles cycling a month, and have lost over 50 pounds, yet am still no where near my goal weight. My sister and many of my friends, are not happy about my weight loss.

I hear a mix of you run too much, or don't bike so much, or you'll blow your knees out if you try and run a half marathon, or you can't do this, or on the flip side, giggles and snide comments on how I think I'm losing weight but that Im still too fat.

My sister giggles and makes fun of me about my intentions on getting slim. She still tries hard to get the worst picture of me. for example, at the last get together, she waited until cake was served and literally whipped her camera out from under the table and Snap right as I took a bite! My poor husband had been on picture watch and was supposed to jump in front of me at the sight of her cam, but she was sneaky quick and he was caught off guard.

I finally got so depressed looking at these terrible pictures of myself on her facebook page, I deleted her, so at the very least I don't have to see these pictures or see her giggling snide comments on them. I even tried explaining to her, look, I am trying very hard to lose the weight and it hurts terribly that you choose to take and post the worst pictures of me on facebook. She just rolles her eyes and said if you don't like it, change yourself. I also explained that I have been doing something and it takes a long time to lose the weight.

while my mother has finally come around saying that I look great, and that she was impressed I managed to do a half marathon, even if it was only at a 12 min per mile pace, My sister is still trying to enlist my mother in making fun of me.

It is now time to start planning a date for mother's day celebration, and ever since, I've noticed I have been craving bad foods. I have anxiety/ depression over the idea of getting together with her and her camera as I have not achieved my weight loss goal.

Does anyone have similar problems? and if so what do you do about toxic family who try and undermine your success?

OMG, you poor thing! I would have deleted my sister a LONG time ago, if she treated me like that! And, frankly, I wouldn't go to ANY family gatherings w/ her there! I'm glad to hear that your mom is coming around, but I just can't even IMAGINE treating my children the way you have been treated. You have been doing a GREAT job, from what you posted....and you are an amazing woman (with a lot of strength and determination, I might add!!) Do NOT let your sister drag you down....she must feel horrible about herself to want to treat YOU in such a degrading manner. Feel sorry for her (OR NOT and move on without her.... Until she can be a supportive, loving sister, like she's supposed to be, I wouldn't give her the time of day!!!! *HUGS* to you!!!

ampa916

wow that is really sad! I am so sorry that they think that behavior is acceptable. Congrats on losing those 50lbs and turning their snide, rude and just downright nasty comments into motivation!

It seems to me that some people are just never happy with the way you look. My dad is kinda like this, he comments when I am too big (saying stuff like, are you ever going to lose weight? Should you really be eating that? etc.) I think for him it comes from a good place of worry as my family has some bad weight related problems, but it still hurts. Well once when I had lost close to 60lbs, he was like OMG are you eating at all? You are really small now I wouldn't lose anymore weight. But I wasn't even at a healthy weight yet.

That being said and I know it is not the same as yours, but I can understand the dread that you are feeling. I wish I had some words to inspire you but the only thing I can think of is bullies are bullies and that is what it seems like your sister is, she probably won't stop and obviously doesn't really care that she is hurting you. I would just do my best to ignore her and enjoy the family time with your family as much as possible.

Luandanielle1979

Well done you on joining this site and welcome.
We cant choose our family unfortuatly. Jesus I would give my sister a black eye if she ever did anything like that. believe me she's no angel but your sister/s sound like very jealous people and either jelous of you because your such a great person or because you have a great relationship with your Hubs.

You have been doing a great job I wish I was as active and motivated as you. Stick around on here and you will get all the support and encouragement you need.

WELL DONE YOUR FAB YOUR FAMILY ARE LOSERS!!!! )

TiffanyKinner

I am a very new member here, but it seems like there are a lot of great people here who are in the process of dropping weight and getting fit or have accomplished their goals, and I thought maybe some of you have had similar experiences and could help me with my problem.

All my life I have had weight problems. My sister and mother both pride themselves on their 80-90 pound bodies and laugh, pick on me, make snide comments, or feel it's ok to disrespect me for being a fat disgusting slob.

last year at a family get together, my mother gave me a size 4x( size 28-30W) shirt for a present. I was shocked as yes I was fat at a size 16/18, but I certainly was not a 4x. They both giggled uncontrollably when I opened the present.

My sister has a regular habit of taking the worst pictures of me and tagging me on facebook. It's always the picture of when I bend over to pick something up, or right as I put a bite of food in my mouth. I always leave family get togethers feeling worse about myself.

My husband told my sister, don't take pictures of her and post them on facebook, but to no avail. It seems like she relishes putting up the grossest pictures of me on facebook and tagging me. Once I asked her to see the pics she took and picked one out that wasn't terrible and said if you must post on facebook, please post this one, or nothing at all. When I got home, the picture of me that looked decent was not posted, instead she had gotten some even more mortifying ones and posted those.

After that humiliating experience, I decided enough was enough. I dusted off my bike, located my old running shoes, and made a decision that from that day forward not one bite of fast food would ever pass my lips again.

Fast forward to a year later. I now average 100 miles running a month and 200 miles cycling a month, and have lost over 50 pounds, yet am still no where near my goal weight. My sister and many of my friends, are not happy about my weight loss.

I hear a mix of you run too much, or don't bike so much, or you'll blow your knees out if you try and run a half marathon, or you can't do this, or on the flip side, giggles and snide comments on how I think I'm losing weight but that Im still too fat.

My sister giggles and makes fun of me about my intentions on getting slim. She still tries hard to get the worst picture of me. for example, at the last get together, she waited until cake was served and literally whipped her camera out from under the table and Snap right as I took a bite! My poor husband had been on picture watch and was supposed to jump in front of me at the sight of her cam, but she was sneaky quick and he was caught off guard.

I finally got so depressed looking at these terrible pictures of myself on her facebook page, I deleted her, so at the very least I don't have to see these pictures or see her giggling snide comments on them. I even tried explaining to her, look, I am trying very hard to lose the weight and it hurts terribly that you choose to take and post the worst pictures of me on facebook. She just rolles her eyes and said if you don't like it, change yourself. I also explained that I have been doing something and it takes a long time to lose the weight.

while my mother has finally come around saying that I look great, and that she was impressed I managed to do a half marathon, even if it was only at a 12 min per mile pace, My sister is still trying to enlist my mother in making fun of me.

It is now time to start planning a date for mother's day celebration, and ever since, I've noticed I have been craving bad foods. I have anxiety/ depression over the idea of getting together with her and her camera as I have not achieved my weight loss goal.

Does anyone have similar problems? and if so what do you do about toxic family who try and undermine your success?

This breaks my heart... I am so sorry you have a sister like that. She should be your best friend, your biggest supporter. I am glad your mom is coming around.

You need support in this long hard journey. I hope you sister comes around before it tears your relationship apart, even more.
KUDOS to your husband for saying something to her.

You keep up the great work and focus on YOU and your goals.

maab_connor

ok, firstly: you are doing AWESOME! don't let anyone say otherwise. own you accomplishments.

secondly: blood doesn't always mean family. your family are the ones who love you for you and support you no matter what. your sister is toxic. she's a bully. you do not need that in your life.

plan stuff with your mother when the sister isn't there. take mom out the saturday before mother's day; go to see the husband's family for xmas and your mom on a different day. it won't be easy. and it will probably break your heart more than a little. but in the end, you'll be better for not having that toxicity in your life.

i'm glad that your mom has come around. that's a blessing and it's beautiful.

so cut your sister out. refuse to be her whipping girl. clearly she's threatened that you're changing. b/c darlin, you can lose weight, but it sounds like she's got an UGLY soul and that rarely changes.

i'm also going to reccomend therapy to you. you've had that toxicity for a long time, and talking it out with a therapist will only help you not to own her issues.

and again: YOU ROCK! own the awesome.

j1wright

My sister is also very skinny and so is my Mother. Both have always been very suportive of me when I am trying to lose weight or if I have lost weight I only get encouragement from both of them. That is how it should be.

I am glad your Mother has came around, do something with her alone without your sister like other commenters have said. Another commenter had stated going to counseling might be helpful. I would strongly encourage this as well.

I am very proud of you, you have lost a lot of weight, you are very active, and you can run a 12 minute mile. That is amazing!

julieh1973

It sounds like sister is a pathetic insecure bully and she probably is giddy with anticipation hoping she has the power to sabotage your weight loss. I urge you to channel your anger and use it to motivate yourself to do what you need to for your own health, confidence and happiness. Please stop letting her or anyone else have the power over you to make you a victim. If she wants to know why you deleted her on FB tell her she is sad and miserable and she needs to stop stalking you and get a life.

"Let your haters be your motivators." ~Kat Williams

Alexstrasza

I'm going to be extremely blunt and brutal on this one.

What your sister is doing to you is NOT okay. Family is only family by blood. Just because someone is related to you does NOT mean you have to like, love, or even tolerate them.

Cut her out of your life. Tell her she is a horrible, lonely, sad woman if her only means of happiness is to try and make you unhappy. Tell her to shut her face and get a life. Then never speak to her again.

As for your mother. I would tell her exactly how you've felt about the past. Since she seems to be supportive I'd say talk to her. If she starts harping on you again, cut her from your life as well.

We CAN choose our families. Blood relation doesn't mean a damn thing but a code of DNA.

lau444

I'm happy to hear that your mother has come around. I too, have always been the "fat sister", and I dealt with ridicule from her in the past, but as we've gotten older, it has ended completely. And the reason why it ended was because I finally set her straight. Now, since you've already expressed your feelings to your sister, and all she had to say was "if you don't like it then change yourself", then that's exactly what you need to do. Change yourself. Change your surroundings. Change your mindset. Don't subject yourself to her deliberate abuse. Talk to your mother and let her know how your sister's words have effected you, then wash your hands of her until she "CHANGES HERSELF".

Krissy366

Your thread title says it all. These people are TOXIC. I don't know why you would allow yourself to be treated this way. I get it, they are family, and we try to keep those bonds alive, but I would cut them out - immediately, and completely. If over time they can adjust their behavior you have the option to let them back in, but these people are not good for you right now.

dancngdolfn

I'm sorry you have had to deal with that but it does sound like you are on the right track. Don't get discouraged, live life for you. I would also say cut your sister out of your life, i know it'll be hard but you don't need people around you that are like that and that treat you like that. How would your sister feel if the role was reversed? Feel free to add me as a friend and i will help support and encourage you also. For Mothers day you and your mom just do something seperately and explain to her why so maybe she'll get your sister to understand, but until then i would not accept your sister as part of the family. Maybe she'll grow up a bit then.

downesca

I know its impossible to disregard what your sister does/says, because who doesn't care what our families think? But it sounds like you need to surround yourself with more positive people who are encouraging and supportive of your successes. 50 lbs???!!!!! Half marathon????!!!! THAT IS AMAZING! You are strong, you can do this! Keep your head up and focus on all that you have accomplished so far! I think I hear jealousy from your sister..

kellicrandall

This is emotional abuse, and quite possibly what led you to become overweight in the first place. Good for you taking control of this situation. Do it for you, no one else, and shed the emotional baggage your sister and mom keep trying to saddle you with. There are issues here that can't be easily fixed, but you can control one thing: yourself. What you eat, how you exercise, how you let their cruelty make you feel. You got this! Just do it, and then they will have to find some other outlet for their own frustrations. Go!

ElPumaMex

Sounds like your sister is desperately trying to find someone she sees as worse than her to make herself feel better about some inferior part in herself. She is the kind of girl who is painfully superficial and always wanting to have someone around that she can make herself feel superior to. The fact that youre loosing weight and actually doing things to make yourself better is angering to her because she is loosing the edge she has over you. The best thing to do is to keep going with your good streak because come a year later and 100+ pounds gone and nice lean muscle and healthy lifestyle that you are in will make you the prime example of "You are only pretty on the outside, outside pretty can be changed, but your inside are the fattest piece of crap that I think I will ever see, dear sister." Now, be nicer when you tell that to her, dont turn into her lol. And if keeping with the great goings to show her up isnt your style, then keep at it for yourself and your husband. Thats the important part right? To make yourself healthier for the ones you care for?

^^^ This

Your sister has lots of insecurities, and is trying to use you to feel better.

Don't mind her at all, continue your weight loss and exercise because it is good for YOU.

Your progress is very good, and 12 minutes per mile (5 miles per hour) is excellent !!
I bet by the time you reach your goal, you will look and feel way better than your sister :bigsmile:

(P.S.: As someone else said here, there is a way in FB to make sure no-one can tag pictures of you, unless you allow it)

CynGoddess

first off hugs, no one should have to deal with abuse like that and most definately not from family. My guess is you sister has some serious self esteem issues and you intimadate her. In the past the one thing she thought she had over you was your weight now with that factor going out she is trying to sabatage you from going further. I like others think you should seperate yourself from her. tell her she is too toxic and until she works out her own issues of ill feelings you don't want her in your new healthier life. You are doing great. I wish I could do the things you are doings. I could never run even a block now. I am working hard every day to walk 5 or 6 miles. Don't sell yourself short and don't put up with anything that you wouldn't let anyone you love put up with. time to LOve you and know you deserve love in return. feel free to add me as a friend. We can support each other.

jcstanton

Next time she says something about how "bad" you look because of your weight, just say, "I can and AM losing weight, but there's no plastic surgeon in the world who can fix the ugly in you." I guarantee you that the reason she isn't happy about your weightloss is because she sees that you are having some success. She knows that once you reach your goal (and it's only a matter of time before you do), she won't get the satisfaction of tearing you down anymore. Plus, she and your mother (however sick it may be) were bonding through all those years of bullying you together. Whether she realizes it or not, she's probably afraid that, once the weight is gone, she won't have that in common with your mom anymore. Also, I agree with the above poster who said that you should consider cutting her out of your life. At least for a while anyway. It's hard enough to lose weight as it is, the last thing you need is someone belittling the success you've had so far. I would tell her point blank, "You're my sister, and I love you. That's not going to change no matter how cruel you are to me. However, I'm trying to make some positive changes in my life starting with getting healthy. I'm tired of being belittled, discourged, and beaten down by your negative and hateful attitude toward me. It's gone on my whole life, and it's gonna STOP...RIGHT NOW...one way or the other! You have to make a decision now. If you can't find it in your heart to love me and accept me the way I am so that you can be an encouragement to me instead of a hinderance, I won't have you in my life anymore. So, you can either lose the negativity and keep your sister, or you can hold on to your hate and lose someone who loves you unconditionally. The choice is yours."

AllisonMart

Cut.them.out.of.your.life.now. You are settling into the role of victim time and time again.. they've manipulated you so much to the point where you feel you have to play this "role" or they won't like you/love you anymore. They are abusers. People want to keep you "down" beneath them on the so called hierarchy, and now that you are rising above they are so threatened. This is a battle for your life.. it has NOTHING to do with them. Keeping these soul vampires around is just making your battle twice as hard. Please. You can be free of them. Your mother certainly does not deserve your presence at Mother's Day because her behavior is not that of a mother it is the very antithesis. Please. I too have suffered from an abusive/manipulative mother all my life and my heart aches for you. Please.

This. What a horrible, horrible story. I'm so happy for you that you have made great acheivement with weight loss, doing it the healthy way, and you have a wonderful husband. But I'm so sad that the reason for your success is the shame and guilt they have inflicted. No one should be treated that way, and especially not from family.

Your mother sounds like she might be coming around, so you might give her another chance, but also be prepared for her not to change. Your sister probably has another underlying issue, like maybe she's jealous of your great husband, your intellect, your success at work, something like that, so it makes her feel better to cut you down. Sit down with her and lay it out there, and say "You're my sister and I love you, and I would like to have a close relationship with you, but your constant derision of my life and my choices are too hurtful. I can't be the person I want to be when you are in my life. You make me feel worse about myself, and it leads me down bad paths. Until you can decide to be kind and supportive of me, I can no longer choose to have you in my life." And stick to it - cut her out of your life. Hopefully that will be enough for her to realize what a jerk she's being and she will change her behavior.

Best of luck to you!

susannamarie

The next time she whips out her camera, take it away, and throw it on the ground. Then jump on it a few times.

KelliMourer87

Oh my goodness that is horrible hun, they should be ashamed of themselves! Who does that to their daughter and sister!!!??? I am just in shock. ADD ME! You can do this hun, lose that weight and show them you are capable of doing anything you set your mind (and heart) too!

MissYogapants

That sounds a-w-f-u-l! My own relatives have had places reserved for them in hell for as long as I've known them. They're mean, rude and love to talk about others behind their backs. I'm sorry to say that I don't have much advice for you other than try to avoid them a little and surround yourself with those who support you instead (IRL friends or MFP friends, doesn't matter). If you feel like you're up to it, take the next family gathering as an opportunity to talk to them all at once and explain your feelings. Tell them how sad their comments make you feel and that you need support instead. I mean, instead of talking to them on and one about that, try and see if you can make them feel ashamed of themselves in front of others instead.

I hope they will start treating you better soon. It's obvious that their self-confidence is based only on telling themselves how bad and awful other people are. Now your success and good character is a threat to them, it shows them that you're better than them and they don't like not being "the best". But you are the best, sweetie, what you've accomplished so far and am STILL accomplishing is amazing!

auroranflash

First of all, CONGRATULATIONS. I am 155lbs and decently active and even I don't think I could run a half marathon. You are making some huge steps to change your life and stay positive. I'd say you are even a little too nice to that toxic sister in your life. If you must be around her (which I would avoid at all costs - not to be mean, but because you have to take care of YOU, and she is obviously not contributing anything positive), then the next time she tries to take a picture of you, I would seriously grab her camera and throw it as far as possible, preferably into traffic.

But that's just me. What a @$#%^.

I'm very proud of you, babe, you are doing fantastic. Your hubby sounds super sweet too. You two try to take the best care of each other and yourselves and don't let toxic people drag you down. I'm sure there's something in her life she's just as sensitive about and if you really wanted to, you could drag that out and mortify her as well, but you are a much nicer person and choose the high road. That kind of personality is despicable.

God bless and take care.

Abigaillee15

YES!

I have toxic friends and family members.

My friends at college are always pressuring me to eat out with them. And when I mention I have a craving they tell me to cave in instead of being supportive and telling me it will pass. They tell me to skip the gym and make unhealthy food choices.

As for my family, they say I'm too skinny and I need to eat more (I have a normal body weight for my height, 5'5", 126lbs) and criticize my healthy food choices. They truly make it hard to live a healthy lifestyle and I often find myself wanting to be alone because then I won't have anyone influencing the decisions I make!

kellicrandall

I would also add that perhaps there are eating disorders present with your mom and sister, weighing 80-90 lbs really is not typical among adult women unless they are extremely petite! Maybe emotional issues have them in anorexia status and you previously overeating. Emotional baggage and eating disorders present in different ways among different people. Maybe some therapy would benefit everyone if you are all interested in salvaging your relationships. Your mom and sister are behaving like the classic bullies: they feel better when they make someone else feel bad. Just classic. I will be your friend.

smplycomplicated

I'm gonna go back to the school bully thing..your sister is probably jealous of you for whatever reason. people don't make other peoples lives difficult without some deep seeded ulterior motive..But then again some people are just *ssholes. I feel for you..I think it's sad you have had to deal with that. I've had my own issues with my parents, not really about the weight loss, but other issues..If people bring you down..especially after bringing it to their attention..letting them know what they are doing that is hurting you and then -still- continue to do it..they don't deserve to be in your life on a daily basis..family or not. Family is supposed to love and support you, not bring you down and degrade you. make you feel the way you do..that's not family. You keep going honey bunch! don't let anyone get between you and your goals.

m60kaf

Your sister is either insecure, plain not nice or possibly in some very strange way trying to encourage your weight loss (unlikely tho)

Just ignore them and do it for yourself - though I agree that is very demoralizing for you.

Well done on un-friending her on fb