toxic family or friends who try to undermine your weight los

jcstanton

Next time she says something about how "bad" you look because of your weight, just say, "I can and AM losing weight, but there's no plastic surgeon in the world who can fix the ugly in you." I guarantee you that the reason she isn't happy about your weightloss is because she sees that you are having some success. She knows that once you reach your goal (and it's only a matter of time before you do), she won't get the satisfaction of tearing you down anymore. Plus, she and your mother (however sick it may be) were bonding through all those years of bullying you together. Whether she realizes it or not, she's probably afraid that, once the weight is gone, she won't have that in common with your mom anymore. Also, I agree with the above poster who said that you should consider cutting her out of your life. At least for a while anyway. It's hard enough to lose weight as it is, the last thing you need is someone belittling the success you've had so far. I would tell her point blank, "You're my sister, and I love you. That's not going to change no matter how cruel you are to me. However, I'm trying to make some positive changes in my life starting with getting healthy. I'm tired of being belittled, discourged, and beaten down by your negative and hateful attitude toward me. It's gone on my whole life, and it's gonna STOP...RIGHT NOW...one way or the other! You have to make a decision now. If you can't find it in your heart to love me and accept me the way I am so that you can be an encouragement to me instead of a hinderance, I won't have you in my life anymore. So, you can either lose the negativity and keep your sister, or you can hold on to your hate and lose someone who loves you unconditionally. The choice is yours."

AllisonMart

Cut.them.out.of.your.life.now. You are settling into the role of victim time and time again.. they've manipulated you so much to the point where you feel you have to play this "role" or they won't like you/love you anymore. They are abusers. People want to keep you "down" beneath them on the so called hierarchy, and now that you are rising above they are so threatened. This is a battle for your life.. it has NOTHING to do with them. Keeping these soul vampires around is just making your battle twice as hard. Please. You can be free of them. Your mother certainly does not deserve your presence at Mother's Day because her behavior is not that of a mother it is the very antithesis. Please. I too have suffered from an abusive/manipulative mother all my life and my heart aches for you. Please.

This. What a horrible, horrible story. I'm so happy for you that you have made great acheivement with weight loss, doing it the healthy way, and you have a wonderful husband. But I'm so sad that the reason for your success is the shame and guilt they have inflicted. No one should be treated that way, and especially not from family.

Your mother sounds like she might be coming around, so you might give her another chance, but also be prepared for her not to change. Your sister probably has another underlying issue, like maybe she's jealous of your great husband, your intellect, your success at work, something like that, so it makes her feel better to cut you down. Sit down with her and lay it out there, and say "You're my sister and I love you, and I would like to have a close relationship with you, but your constant derision of my life and my choices are too hurtful. I can't be the person I want to be when you are in my life. You make me feel worse about myself, and it leads me down bad paths. Until you can decide to be kind and supportive of me, I can no longer choose to have you in my life." And stick to it - cut her out of your life. Hopefully that will be enough for her to realize what a jerk she's being and she will change her behavior.

Best of luck to you!

susannamarie

The next time she whips out her camera, take it away, and throw it on the ground. Then jump on it a few times.

KelliMourer87

Oh my goodness that is horrible hun, they should be ashamed of themselves! Who does that to their daughter and sister!!!??? I am just in shock. ADD ME! You can do this hun, lose that weight and show them you are capable of doing anything you set your mind (and heart) too!

MissYogapants

That sounds a-w-f-u-l! My own relatives have had places reserved for them in hell for as long as I've known them. They're mean, rude and love to talk about others behind their backs. I'm sorry to say that I don't have much advice for you other than try to avoid them a little and surround yourself with those who support you instead (IRL friends or MFP friends, doesn't matter). If you feel like you're up to it, take the next family gathering as an opportunity to talk to them all at once and explain your feelings. Tell them how sad their comments make you feel and that you need support instead. I mean, instead of talking to them on and one about that, try and see if you can make them feel ashamed of themselves in front of others instead.

I hope they will start treating you better soon. It's obvious that their self-confidence is based only on telling themselves how bad and awful other people are. Now your success and good character is a threat to them, it shows them that you're better than them and they don't like not being "the best". But you are the best, sweetie, what you've accomplished so far and am STILL accomplishing is amazing!

auroranflash

First of all, CONGRATULATIONS. I am 155lbs and decently active and even I don't think I could run a half marathon. You are making some huge steps to change your life and stay positive. I'd say you are even a little too nice to that toxic sister in your life. If you must be around her (which I would avoid at all costs - not to be mean, but because you have to take care of YOU, and she is obviously not contributing anything positive), then the next time she tries to take a picture of you, I would seriously grab her camera and throw it as far as possible, preferably into traffic.

But that's just me. What a @$#%^.

I'm very proud of you, babe, you are doing fantastic. Your hubby sounds super sweet too. You two try to take the best care of each other and yourselves and don't let toxic people drag you down. I'm sure there's something in her life she's just as sensitive about and if you really wanted to, you could drag that out and mortify her as well, but you are a much nicer person and choose the high road. That kind of personality is despicable.

God bless and take care.

Abigaillee15

YES!

I have toxic friends and family members.

My friends at college are always pressuring me to eat out with them. And when I mention I have a craving they tell me to cave in instead of being supportive and telling me it will pass. They tell me to skip the gym and make unhealthy food choices.

As for my family, they say I'm too skinny and I need to eat more (I have a normal body weight for my height, 5'5", 126lbs) and criticize my healthy food choices. They truly make it hard to live a healthy lifestyle and I often find myself wanting to be alone because then I won't have anyone influencing the decisions I make!

kellicrandall

I would also add that perhaps there are eating disorders present with your mom and sister, weighing 80-90 lbs really is not typical among adult women unless they are extremely petite! Maybe emotional issues have them in anorexia status and you previously overeating. Emotional baggage and eating disorders present in different ways among different people. Maybe some therapy would benefit everyone if you are all interested in salvaging your relationships. Your mom and sister are behaving like the classic bullies: they feel better when they make someone else feel bad. Just classic. I will be your friend.

smplycomplicated

I'm gonna go back to the school bully thing..your sister is probably jealous of you for whatever reason. people don't make other peoples lives difficult without some deep seeded ulterior motive..But then again some people are just *ssholes. I feel for you..I think it's sad you have had to deal with that. I've had my own issues with my parents, not really about the weight loss, but other issues..If people bring you down..especially after bringing it to their attention..letting them know what they are doing that is hurting you and then -still- continue to do it..they don't deserve to be in your life on a daily basis..family or not. Family is supposed to love and support you, not bring you down and degrade you. make you feel the way you do..that's not family. You keep going honey bunch! don't let anyone get between you and your goals.

m60kaf

Your sister is either insecure, plain not nice or possibly in some very strange way trying to encourage your weight loss (unlikely tho)

Just ignore them and do it for yourself - though I agree that is very demoralizing for you.

Well done on un-friending her on fb

Alarista

I would just not go to family functions, you don't need that crap. Even if your mother is coming around, her behavior has been just hateful, and if she won't put her foot down to her sister on her crappy behavior, screw them both. I know it's supposed to be family, but that isn't how family treats one another.

clszewczyk

Sounds like your sister is jealous. She is obviously aware that you have something she may never attain... a personality. Just remember you have lost 50 lbs. And that any pictures she may snap of you, you know will be better than before, Glad you deleted her from facebook. Good job! Keep up the good work!

avafrisbee

I have a family member like that. Glad you have such a supportive husband.

First check your privacy settings. I think there is a way that people can't tag you, or you at least have to approve the tag.

You've talked to your sister before and she didn't take you seriously right? I would try one more time. Invite he to lunch, tell her that you are worried about her behavior ask her if there is something going on in her life right now that so that she feels better when she bashes you. If she brushes you off tell her that you are sorry your sisterly relationship has to follow this path but if she can't be supportive there is no place for her in your life and end contact with her. Even family functions, as hard as it is, if she will be there don't go.

Glad your mom is finally coming around. I would have an open honest talk with your mom and tell her that you love her very much and that you appreciate her support if you do end contact with your sister or are thinking about it, tell your mom about it. Tell her you will celebrate mother's day with her alone, just you and her at a restaurant or spa or whatever. Tell her that you are sure it would be hard on her for her daughters not to speak or get along or that you refuse to be in the same room with your sister but ask her to understand how hard it is for you that your sister is one of the "mean girls". Explain that bullying is not okay just because the bully is family.

-OR-

The next time she whips out her camera tackle her skinny butt to the ground rip it out of her hand and smash it repeatedly against something solid then take the SD card and stick it in the garbage disposal and the say "see that, the next time you take a picture of me without my permission that'll be you, UNDERSTAND" you may get a reputation as being the unstable sister, but I don't think you'd be bullied anymore.

uberrach

Good job for identifying it as toxic behavior.

Hang out with your mom solo for Mother's Day. Avoid your sister. It seems like the two of them get into mob mentality when they're together and beat up on you. It's your choice to see it for what it is and to avoid it getting caught in the trap of reactivity/suffering. Stay strong! You're doing great!

HizGlory

If that was my sister, she'd have got a punch in the face by now.

My sentiments exactly, if it were my sister there would be some flying furniture, a filed police report and a trip to the ER. :laugh: Eleanor Roosevelt says it best..."NO ONE can make you feel inferior WITHOUT your permission." Don't allow your insecurities to validate hers. She sounds like a very sad, shallow & insecure person. That's your sister, so it's hard to just cut her out of your life...but only YOU can stop her from bullying you!

Believe me if her camera/cell phone/whatever ended up against the wall shattered in a bunch of pieces...she would get the message!!! Congrats on your fitness success and continue to take care of you!!

lulu_beans

I too have problems with my mother and other family members being negative. Honestly, the easiest way around it, is to distance yourself as much as you can until you are more comfortable in your own skin. As long as you still have doubts about yourself, or you still feel that you aren't doing enough, you will continue to get depressed at the thought of being around them. On the flip side of that, being around them now is going to keep you doubting. Avoidance is the best thing right now. When you're glam and trim and in the shape YOU are comfortable in, then let them back in, but your sister is being a bit of an *kitten*, and I wouldn't want her around me.

You said that you had already lost 50 pounds? Good for you! That's awesome! You need to feel good about that.

AshinAms

So sorry that you deal with this. I also have toxic family and am fortunate enough to live very far away from them so they never see me (so no photos etc just disembodied phone calls!) The advice to cut them out is good, but probably impractical if you live nearby. Even though their behaviour is unsupportive it's a big step to let go. Unfriending family on Facebook is a good step in the right direction here - don't let them get you when you least expect it. Someone quoted on my Facebook today that Facebook is a passive-aggressive paradise and he was right!

I suggest you make a list and write down the things you get from your family. ie. if they were a functional family you would get : support, love, encouragement etc. Make two columns and write down good & bad. If the 'bad' column exceeds the good column write down something next to each thing : so, like next to 'makes fun of me' a way that you could try to lessen the impact of that behaviour and still stay in touch. If there is no way that you could lessen it or feel better about it, and if the column of bad is much bigger than the column of good then take a break for a little while.

But ... you need to tell them why. If you don't and you just stop talking to them when you do start again you will find yourself in exactly the same situation, and I can guarantee that even if you are at goal weight they will find something else to pick on you about, probably about how quickly they think you will gain it back.

It's really hard too, if you are used to staying in the background to come out and speak up for yourself in a clear and concise way without being overwhelmed, but it sounds like your family needs to know that what they are doing to you isn't fair. If they aren't willing to listen to you and accept that their behaviour is inappropriate then you can take the steps to take a break.

*hugs* This is very hard and very unfair and you don't deserve it.

WhitneyT586

It hurts me to read this. My family and friends have been quite supportive of my decision to get healthier. I've even got several jumping on with me so I can't say I understand how you feel. The only problems I have are the food-pushers who want me to eat something just because they "made it and it tastes soooo good. Just one bite won't hurt you!" It drives me crazy!

Seems to me that your sister is incredibly jealous of you in some way and that she is very insecure about something in herself that she just cannot get past. So she teases you as a way to make herself feel better. Please don't let her get to you. I know that it is difficult but let it all roll off your back. You are doing things that are good for you. Maybe she wishes she had your determination and motivation. Maybe she wishes she could do a half marathon. Ask her why she does the things she does.

I hope that the situation gets better for you. Don't let it derail your efforts. Keep it up!

toque88

Many folks are saying cut your family out of the picture, but that's hard. They are mean but they are still family. I would limit your contact with your sister as much as possible, and try to spend more time with your mother - without your sister. I was in a similar situation with my husband. When I would start doing something healthier - like running, and eating right, he would tell me how stupid I was and buy me a cupcake. So, I ignored him, and lost 10 lbs. I was able to ignore him because of my motivation to get revenge. Yup. Maybe not the most healthiest emotional technique, but it has worked for me. Now, he doesn't talk *kitten* to me anymore, and has stopped buying me cupcakes. He's on MFP trying to lose weight too....

Keep your head up. When your family talks *kitten*, know that it is because they feel lower then you, and believe they need to pull you DOWN to their level.

You sound like an awesome person. I'm friending you.

Oh, and as Kat Williams (Comedian) says - You need haters!

:flowerforyou:

AthenaErr

They are bullying you. Once you've tried to talk to them on a one to one level explaining you find it hurtful and want them to stop (which I think you probably have) then you disengage. Doesnt matter why they do it etc, if they wont stop - give them a wide berth. You'll feel a lot better :flowerforyou: