My Teenage Daughter

Nattiejean57

I need some help with a totally non weight loss related topic, my 14 (Almost 15) yr old step daughter.

Here is the story, she lived me and her dad because her mother did not provide a stable living environment. Its not a court ordered thing her mother just knows that she can not provide the same kind of stability that we can so she allowed her to live with us this year and go to her mom's for the summers (her mom lives 6hrs away). Anyways before she was living with us she saw a lot of things, drug abuse, physical abuse and so on...That being said she is actually still a good kid. instead of taking on the roll of a reblious teenager her smokes drinks and parties (like her older sister who my hubby is not the father) she kinda became the care taker. She geniually is a good kid. Except in school.

When it comer to her academics she is lazy and unorganized. She is always turning things in late, her teachers tell us she talks in class alot, she needs to be told to refocus regularly and some of it has to do with the group of girls she sits with. I contacted a teacher today about her slipping grades and he informed me that she is passing notes and texting in class regularly. Now I did tell the teacher i do not understand why the hell they have not taken her phone, but that being said her Dad and I are probably going to take her phone for a while. That being said her phone is one of her only sources of punishment we have. She is newer to the school so she doesn't have a ton of friends and a super active social life. We have ha to take her phone before and i feel like its starting lose its effect. What other forms of punishment (or even ways to encourage or motivate her to do better) Do you use with your teenagers? I need some creative idea

jjpe

Maybe she has fallen behind and has just been able to scrap by in the past. Maybe she needs a tudor to help catch her up. Or someone to teach her how to take notes and how to study at home.

mistresseeyore

Is she allowed on the internet? Scrap it for a week. Is she allowed to watch T.V? Scrap it for a week. Radio? Do the same. Each week she doesn't improve take another one away. She'll either improve or she'll only have her school work, chores, and dinner time to look forward to. My parents even went to the point of assigning new chores as a punishment.

Daisy_Cutter

Does she have a laptop? I have a 7th grader and boy when I take the computer away she shapes up. No Facebook, no skype, no nothing....

However, I think a reward system might be better. Something like I'm going to check back with your teacher in 2 weeks for a full report. If you're behavior has improved I'm going to buy you a new pair of jeans... or take you to (where ever she likes to go).

I think her behavior is typical for her age, and taking her phone from her probably punishes her more than you realize.

doorki

When my grades were rough in 5th grade for not doing the work, my parents had me get a weekly report from the teacher. If that week's report was bad, I would be grounded until the next good report.

christine24t

First off, you should have her evaluated for ADD or ADHD. If you find out it's not that, I would take away her cell phone like you are going to do, and possibly have a parent/teacher conference with her teachers to go over her problems. Also taking away the internet is a good thing. You could also sit down with her once a week and go over her syllabuses and map out when she is going to do each assignment.

mrmanmeat

First off, you should have her evaluated for ADD or ADHD. If you find out it's not that, I would take away her cell phone like you are going to do, and possibly have a parent/teacher conference with her teachers to go over her problems. Also taking away the internet is a good thing. You could also sit down with her once a week and go over her syllabuses and map out when she is going to do each assignment.

So a kid doesn't do well in school and automatically it's add/adhd? lol
Oh America.

xraylady33

Is there something else going on?
Does she have ADHD?
Is she depressed?
What responsibility does she have at home?
What are her college plans? If she is approaching 9th year, and planning on a four year school, it is impairative that you understand what is going on!
Please, look deeper. I am the mom of a 17 year old, and could write a book!
My daughter does have ADD, but I took a hold of it, and she is headed to WVU! If you have ANY issues, please go to the guidance department, and if you have any questions, please just inbox me.

xraylady33

First off, you should have her evaluated for ADD or ADHD. If you find out it's not that, I would take away her cell phone like you are going to do, and possibly have a parent/teacher conference with her teachers to go over her problems. Also taking away the internet is a good thing. You could also sit down with her once a week and go over her syllabuses and map out when she is going to do each assignment.

So a kid doesn't do well in school and automatically it's add/adhd? lol
Oh America.

REALLY?

doorki

First off, you should have her evaluated for ADD or ADHD. If you find out it's not that, I would take away her cell phone like you are going to do, and possibly have a parent/teacher conference with her teachers to go over her problems. Also taking away the internet is a good thing. You could also sit down with her once a week and go over her syllabuses and map out when she is going to do each assignment.

So a kid doesn't do well in school and automatically it's add/adhd? lol
Oh America.

REALLY?

I was recommended for ADD treatment when I was in school because I misbehaved in class and didn't pay attention. My parents pointed to my grades on the exams to show that I was bored in class. Not every issue is chemical.

AlayshaJ

Coming from personal experience, having been one of those teenagers, it will only cause resentment. (taking things away) I think talking to her about going to a therapist and taking her to one would be more helpful over all. They will talk about everything, including academics. An outside influence is usually best in this kind of situation. She could have a multitude of issues that you aren't even aware of.

AlayshaJ

First off, you should have her evaluated for ADD or ADHD. If you find out it's not that, I would take away her cell phone like you are going to do, and possibly have a parent/teacher conference with her teachers to go over her problems. Also taking away the internet is a good thing. You could also sit down with her once a week and go over her syllabuses and map out when she is going to do each assignment.

So a kid doesn't do well in school and automatically it's add/adhd? lol
Oh America.

Yeah! Didn't you know?! Giving kids drugs similar to speed/meth fixes everything! They get amazing grades! AND addictive tendencies! Woooohoooo!

FunandFitMom

Sounds like school (particularly class time) is her social outlet. So...maybe finding ways for her to make friends - theater, choir, sports, cheerleading, etc would be a good place to start. I'm guessing if she's generally a good kid, the slipping grades and acting out in class may be her was of getting attention of kids at school. if you find a way to focus her social energy, you may find that her grades will better meet your expectations.

Sweet_Pandora

Have you tried sitting down with her and her father and talk to her about what is going on.

You mentioned that she has come to live with you and her father, how long has it been?

You have not mentioned what her grades were like previously, has she always struggled with school or is it something recent?

Sounds like she has alot of change going on in her life. Maybe a little one on one girl time together might get her to open up if there is something going on.

Communication is key, and with a teen you want to keep the lines open, I personally don't think that punishment is the answer to poor academic standing.

Adjusting to a new step-mom, new school, loss of friends are pretty big to a hormonal teenager!

Best of luck to all of you.

Karen

modernmom70

My daughter is in grade 9.....sounds pretty typical of this age! We use the phone as punishment as well as internet tv.

rc630

When I was younger, I was always getting kicked out of class, forgetting homework, talking in class, getting bad reports home from teachers...The teachers wanted me put on ADD meds (in my opinion because they thought it would shut me up, not because I actually had ADD), but the truth is, I was just bored. I was supposed to have been moved up a grade, but since I was already one of the youngest in the class, my parents didn't want me to move up anymore, and the classes were moving at too slow of a pace for me. Once I started doing a few classes (math, science) with the grade above me (while staying with my grade for everything else), and then Honors/AP track in high school, things really improved.
Has your stepdaughter ever done some kind of intelligence testing? In situations like these, I feel that the most common reasons for struggling/misbehaving in class are 1. The kid is bored and the class is moving too slow 2. The kid is not ready for the level of material and has given up 3. The kid is depressed or struggling with emotional issues that are preventing him or her from focusing.
If your stepdaughter has a well-above-average IQ, you should look into honors/advanced placement classes. If her IQ is average or below, you should probably look into having a tutor, extracurricular work like a Kumon program, or remedial level classes. Not that IQ is everything, but it could be an indicator of what the best path to take would be.
If you think she is struggling with emotional issues, you should see about therapy, and maybe consider not doing so through the school's guidance counselor, as she might be worried people would find out she is seeking help (not that there is a single thing wrong with doing that, but teenagers, like I was, often feel embarrassed about seeking therapy of any sort, as they worry people will think they are crazy).
I'm not a psychologist or teacher, but I strongly encourage you to not consider ADD/ADHD medication unless you have tried other ways of fixing the problem first. I have seen only a few people in my life that I truly think need this medicine; I know far more kids that were put on it and turned into zombies, never ate, were miserable, and can't do work without it, even though before the prescription they were still doing alright in school. Those I know who I feel truly need medicine like Ritalin have shown ADD/ADHD behavior for a long time and had trouble concentrating even on fun activities, not just school, so if her problems seem to be just school-related, dont be hasty to get a prescription like this. ADHD is WAY WAY WAY overdiagnosed/overmedicated, and if she is having emotional issues, you might be making it worse with this "quick fix".

Of course, these are just my opinions, but I am 20, so the difficulties of this age are not too far in my past. I hope you find a solution that helps your stepdaughter.

jamie78

Is she allowed on the internet? Scrap it for a week. Is she allowed to watch T.V? Scrap it for a week. Radio? Do the same. Each week she doesn't improve take another one away. She'll either improve or she'll only have her school work, chores, and dinner time to look forward to. My parents even went to the point of assigning new chores as a punishment.

This is what we do with ours daughter!

MelHoneyRocks

Not sure who your service provider is, but you can limit the times of day that calls and texts can be made. That might help the situation.
And dont worry, she will turn out fine...its tough!

JoolieW68

Perhaps she is just not challenged enough in school. Has she been tested academically to see if she should or could be in an advanced class or 2?

KaylaBushman

Take her bedroom door away. My mom did that to me a total of ONE time. I liked my privacy!

andreacord

Well, being a college student and only living at home four months of the year for summer, my Mom doesn't ground me anymore. But when she did she'd threaten to bar me from internet, take my phone and sometimes my camera too. I'm a photographer so my dslr was my baby in my teen years.

jamiesadler

I am in the same situation as you. My 14 almost 15 year old step daughter has lived with us since she was 7 though. We fought to take her away from her mother for all of the same reasons you listed. Overall she is a good kid but does the same texting, note passing, not tuning in paperwork etc. I took her phone completely away. She is only allowed to use it to call me or her father. I also took the tv away from her. Her homework must be completed before she is allowed to step outside. At one point I was doing the whole folder check and planner check every night to make sure she was doing it and getting it turned in. We have iParent up her and it allows me to see when she turns something in late or scores poorly on a test. I also do not let her do anything during the school week. Only on the weekend.

I also try to use motivating items. She wants to get her ears pierced again and I told her if she brings home all A's and B's she can this summer. She also wanted to go to a dance. The agreement was she had to get at least a B on her next Japanese test. She failed and didnt get to go with her friends. The only real suggestion i can think of is set goals and rewards as well as punishments and stick to them no matter how much she begs. Good luck

jamiesadler

Is she allowed on the internet? Scrap it for a week. Is she allowed to watch T.V? Scrap it for a week. Radio? Do the same. Each week she doesn't improve take another one away. She'll either improve or she'll only have her school work, chores, and dinner time to look forward to. My parents even went to the point of assigning new chores as a punishment.

This is what we do with ours daughter!

I have tried this as well. It works

chocolateandpb

Maybe she has fallen behind and has just been able to scrap by in the past. Maybe she needs a tudor to help catch her up. Or someone to teach her how to take notes and how to study at home.

Just like this person needs a tutor. lol

You said it, I thought it. LOL!!!

Myndi73

I was a wild child all thru school. I would ditch constantly. I was always in trouble for talking (no cell phones), passing notes, sleeping. After the 2nd or 3rd time of my teacher spoke to my father, he realized his "threats" and punishements were not working. My Dad came to my school and sat in every class, and "hung out" with me at lunch. I was MORTIFIED! He did it for a week...
Guess what? I suddenly became a really, really good student.

jonnyman41

you said she was quite new to the school. Maybe she is just finding her way and which crowd to fit in with. As you have said she is already a well behaved girl away from class, a little time to make new friends and worth things out could be all she needs.

Beezil

When my grades were rough in 5th grade for not doing the work, my parents had me get a weekly report from the teacher. If that week's report was bad, I would be grounded until the next good report.

I am using this idea for my kid... lol

RollinDawg

Maybe she's just a teenager, like I was....no ADD or ADHD or depression as an excuse. I just had better stuff to do than to be concerned with school work. When my grades started to slip, my parents pretty much took everything away and I earned it back when I showed improvement in school. I woke up, went to school, did homework, had dinner, studied and went to bed for a month or so. Eventually, I earned a little more freedom. Imagine that, a kid actually having to earn something and my parents were completely ok with me being mad about it for a little while. Oh, and it didn't kill me...actually probably helped me.

skyan

I'm pretty self-motivated so my parents never had to use any type of encouragement for me. Try positive re-enforcement though - like if she makes a certain grade, she can go to the movies with her friends or some such. Find out what she likes to do and use it as a reward for good behavior. If not, then start taking away things that she can earn back for better work.

boggsmeister

Talking in class, not turning in work, totally disorganized, good kid in every other way. That is my son who has ADHD and Aspergers. Coincidentally, very similar situation with his Mom.

sophjakesmom

First off, you should have her evaluated for ADD or ADHD. If you find out it's not that, I would take away her cell phone like you are going to do, and possibly have a parent/teacher conference with her teachers to go over her problems. Also taking away the internet is a good thing. You could also sit down with her once a week and go over her syllabuses and map out when she is going to do each assignment.

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