My Teenage Daughter

CapsFan17

Is their something she wants? I wanted a fish tank when I was in school and my parents made me work for it grade wise. I had to make honor roll and keep my grades up for my tank. Then when I got a good report card I got a new fish or decoration. It was my motivation, and it worked very well. Some people its clothes, or shoes, maybe try and come up with a reward system. I'm not saying bribe her but give her something to care about. She might not care about her grades, I didn't, but I cared about my aquarium. Hope this helps. Good Luck!

Nigerianebony

When I was younger, I was always getting kicked out of class, forgetting homework, talking in class, getting bad reports home from teachers...The teachers wanted me put on ADD meds (in my opinion because they thought it would shut me up, not because I actually had ADD), but the truth is, I was just bored.

Yep, she could be bored. Another question, what about her friends? Are they just "getting by" or "passing"? That doesn't help either. I had friends like too. Once they placed my in more challenging classes, I was now competing against those who were excelling. "Not being the laziest" then became my incentive. It will help her build her competitiveness.

Nattiejean57

I wanted to thank you guys all for the input, i have gotten a lot of great ideas and suggestions, in fact I am taking notes

I do not believe she has ADD or ADHD i do believe that she fallen through the cracks of the system and has gotten behind. She has lived on and off with us for 3yrs (long story) and neither me nor her school are new too her but we are not consistent either. We are now though. She actually has a closer relationship with me then her dad, not because he is a bad guy but because he wasn't always in her life (her mom was mia with her for a while) and so she is used to seeing abusive destructive men.

I really like the idea of taking some things like her phone and internet and making them her earn them back but also rewarding her with good grades too. The girl does like to shop and i think money could really make her motivated.

My husband and i did make a decision about her schooling in the years to come, we are going to move her into a much smaller school (like 40 kids a grade instead of 600) and I am hoping this will help her not "fall through the cracks" so much. She was in volleyball this year but because the school is so big she has to try out for it next year and she may not make it on the team. Also to do a lot of the extra circulars you have to be taking a class that pertains to it. so for example to be in FCCLA she has to be in a home ec class, but at the school she is moving to this is not the case so we can get her into some more activities.

Nattiejean57

I have a few thoughts from working with students for 16 years.

1. Talk to her about it (meaning listen and not lecture) . Why are your grades slipping? What do you need to be more successful? Allow her to be involved in setting goals and then hold her accountable.
2. Realize she is adjusting and possibly in culture shock and needs help adjusting in a healthy way.
3. Set clear expectations with rewards. Give her privileges after her work is done.
4. Give her praise for who she is and breaking the chain of the destructive behavior she has seen around her.

I don't know that I would completely take her phone away. Its a symptom, not the problem. She is already talking and passing notes. Unless you can find a way to stop that, taking her phone away won't help. If anything, I would suggest taking it away in the mornings and give it back at night after her work is completed, at least until her grades improve.

Can you come work at her school? they need more people working in the school systems like you!

tlschlp

I have not read all the postings, but needed to chime in, anyway.

The first thing I thought of when you described your daughter was ADD. I have 3 boys, and they are all ADD (not ADHD). They are distracted reasonably easily if it is not something they are interested, they forget to turn work in and are impulsively talking in class. Or, at least, they were; I got them on medication to help them focus better. Oh, and they are not "bad" kids (all 3 are Eagle Scouts), and have taken advanced classes from 5th grade on (my youngest 2 are in high school).

ADD medication does not work if the person does not need it! However, there is more to testing a person for ADD (or Aspergers) than just the indicators you describe. There are hearing and visual testing as well. My ex was found to be distracted by the white noise coming from the lights; he was diagnosed as ADD also. He is still forgetful many times (but no longer my problem!).

I would get a referral to an ADD specialist and have her tested. If she isn't ADD, that's one less thing to worry about! If she is, still use behavior modification and communication with medication if it's prescribed -- and you will notice that they will become much more effective.

As far as taking her computer/internet away; you need to be careful these days. A lot of class work is done on-line or using the computer for a period of time. If you refuse to let her on the internet, you could be impeding her studies. However, you can closely monitor her time on the computer/internet. I would also suggest giving her extra chores to do, or copying a page (or two) from a selected textbook (or dictionary) or a printout from the internet for each negative report you get from her teachers. And, give her a chance to "win back" time on her phone each weekend ... say 30 minutes per class that you get a good report from on Friday. Eight classes, all good reports for the week when you check with them on Friday = 2 hours on the phone!

Raising teenagers these days is (I think) much more difficult than it was for our parents. But, it is still more of a "contact sport" than "observational sport". Be involved in what she is doing and she and you (and your relationship) will be much better for it.

Good luck!

french_press

My younger brother who is 15 has the same problems in school. PLEASE PLEASE before you resort to medication for ADD/ADHD PLEASE take her to a learning specialist to see if maybe she has a learning disability, like dyslexia. My brothers teachers all told my mom he was "hyperactive" and an "average student" and needed to be put on medication if he ever wanted to do well in school. Well, when we took my brother in to see the learning specialist it turned out that he was NOT hyperactive- he was having problems reading- and his IQ test showed he was well above average, and that the reason he was having problems in school was because his teachers weren't trying to help him, and he felt like he was falling behind so he just gave up. So, my mom switched him from the small Catholic school where he was to our public school, and he is doing much better. Also, I obviously do not know your step-daughter, but I think it would definitely worthwhile to take her in to see a therapist, especially if it turns out her problem in school isn't from a learning disability. If she's depressed because of her mom's situation, this could be why she's not doing well in school.

Nattiejean57

When I was younger, I was always getting kicked out of class, forgetting homework, talking in class, getting bad reports home from teachers...The teachers wanted me put on ADD meds (in my opinion because they thought it would shut me up, not because I actually had ADD), but the truth is, I was just bored.

Yep, she could be bored. Another question, what about her friends? Are they just "getting by" or "passing"? That doesn't help either. I had friends like too. Once they placed my in more challenging classes, I was now competing against those who were excelling. "Not being the laziest" then became my incentive. It will help her build her competitiveness.

I think this is a huge issue with her. She has a tendency to seek out the people she was used to growing up around, not the go getters and the doers. We would like to get her in more activities so she meets more goal achieving kids.

12skipafew99100

Have her teachers email you each day for a behavior report. Each day she has acceptable reports, she can have her phone for the evening. Rewards do amazing things for behavior. Don't be too hard on her for her lack of scholarship. Not everyone can be a great student and you don't want all her self esteem to lye in that.

netsirk12

I have a few thoughts from working with students for 16 years.

1. Talk to her about it (meaning listen and not lecture) . Why are your grades slipping? What do you need to be more successful? Allow her to be involved in setting goals and then hold her accountable.
2. Realize she is adjusting and possibly in culture shock and needs help adjusting in a healthy way.
3. Set clear expectations with rewards. Give her privileges after her work is done.
4. Give her praise for who she is and breaking the chain of the destructive behavior she has seen around her.

I don't know that I would completely take her phone away. Its a symptom, not the problem. She is already talking and passing notes. Unless you can find a way to stop that, taking her phone away won't help. If anything, I would suggest taking it away in the mornings and give it back at night after her work is completed, at least until her grades improve.

^^ I agree with this. However she sounds like a normal teen to me. I was the same way when I was her age and I kinda had the same situation. I was raised by my dad but I would go to my mothers and get away with anything/everything and saw things that I shouldnt have seen at my age. Talk to her about things, she is more likely to confide in you if there is a strong trust relationship. Be a "Mom" but be a "friend" too. Don't punish her for her decisions to talk to you about her previous mistakes and lecturing dosn't help either. Everything is new for her and you too! I am sure you guys are doing a great job. Working with kids is more of trial and error. There really is no one way to make things work.

12skipafew99100

Is their something she wants? I wanted a fish tank when I was in school and my parents made me work for it grade wise. I had to make honor roll and keep my grades up for my tank. Then when I got a good report card I got a new fish or decoration. It was my motivation, and it worked very well. Some people its clothes, or shoes, maybe try and come up with a reward system. I'm not saying bribe her but give her something to care about. She might not care about her grades, I didn't, but I cared about my aquarium. Hope this helps. Good Luck!

Like ^, no, love

netsirk12

Have her teachers email you each day for a behavior report. Each day she has acceptable reports, she can have her phone for the evening. Rewards do amazing things for behavior. Don't be too hard on her for her lack of scholarship. Not everyone can be a great student and you don't want all her self esteem to lye in that.

So more work for a teacher?!? Have you ever worked in a school? lol its crazy. Once a week would be good, that way it is an overall update on improvement. Kids have good and bad days.

Nattiejean57

I will say with exception of one teacher the teachers at this school have no interest in doing anything extra to help her improve.

HorrorChix89

First off, you should have her evaluated for ADD or ADHD. If you find out it's not that, I would take away her cell phone like you are going to do, and possibly have a parent/teacher conference with her teachers to go over her problems. Also taking away the internet is a good thing. You could also sit down with her once a week and go over her syllabuses and map out when she is going to do each assignment.

So a kid doesn't do well in school and automatically it's add/adhd? lol
Oh America.

Or a learning disorder, nothing to do with the country you live in :rolleyes:

ladybg81

First off, you should have her evaluated for ADD or ADHD. If you find out it's not that, I would take away her cell phone like you are going to do, and possibly have a parent/teacher conference with her teachers to go over her problems. Also taking away the internet is a good thing. You could also sit down with her once a week and go over her syllabuses and map out when she is going to do each assignment.

So a kid doesn't do well in school and automatically it's add/adhd? lol
Oh America.

Amen Mac!!!

Hannalore13

I won't lie, I haven't read many of the other posts, so if I'm repetitive I'm sorry.

Talking with friends and using a phone should not be related to ADD/ADHD. In fact, ADHD is generally evaluated at a much younger stage. Phones are simply becoming an addiction to younger generations. When we get bored, we will look at our phones whether or not it's important. Having the teachers take the phones away, and enforce phone rules would be ideal, but if they are not then taking the phone is really one of the only ways to restrict it. Or decrease the amount of texting/data they can use per month.

The problem is that punishment can only go so far, and doesn't actually figure out the problem of what's going on. Is she bored with class? Is there a way to get her more interested in her work? Maybe she needs to go and see a counselor to talk about what's going on in her life. I struggled with depression for a long time,and by the time I got to college I just stopped going to class entirely because of my mindset. It doesn't really sound like she's depressed, but you never know. My parents certainly didn't until I was a junior in high school.

I think this problem may take a lot of talking. Get her to find something that she's interested in. If she gets motivated about something, she might become more motivated about other things in her life. People tend to forget about things they don't find important (like school work) when something else is bothering them.

netsirk12

I will say with exception of one teacher the teachers at this school have no interest in doing anything extra to help her improve.

And that one teacher is the one that matters! I am sure she does best in that teachers class too. After working in a school I have seen many people who call themselfs teachers but there are few true teachers that care today. It is a shame there are not more teachers reaching out to help her.

angieleighbyrd

First off, you should have her evaluated for ADD or ADHD. If you find out it's not that, I would take away her cell phone like you are going to do, and possibly have a parent/teacher conference with her teachers to go over her problems. Also taking away the internet is a good thing. You could also sit down with her once a week and go over her syllabuses and map out when she is going to do each assignment.

So a kid doesn't do well in school and automatically it's add/adhd? lol
Oh America.

I was thinking the same thing. If it's only at school that she's having issues chances are it's not ADHD. Maybe she's bored in school. Maybe it's too easy for her, and she needs something more challenging. You can have the school give her a generalized test to tell what grade level she is actually in.

afwg1979

Is she allowed on the internet? Scrap it for a week. Is she allowed to watch T.V? Scrap it for a week. Radio? Do the same. Each week she doesn't improve take another one away. She'll either improve or she'll only have her school work, chores, and dinner time to look forward to. My parents even went to the point of assigning new chores as a punishment.

^ This ^

My teen and I battled over school grades, not attendance (he loved going to school to socialize). However, I put time restrictions on his cell phone (via an online account) which was tightly tailored to his school schedule and night curfews. This alone was enough for him to maintain average grades. However, when he wanted something special, he had to reciprocate with better grades. If he didn't keep his end of the bargain, I would put tighter time restrictions on his cell phone. We even went through a period where I put his phone in suspense until he was CONSISTANT in maintaining a C or higher. I also curtailed other electronics (gaming, television, etc.) as needed to get the point across that his education came first. All of this was done in non-confrontational communications. We also did some counseling. I also had to pay for two months of tutoring (Sylvan) when it was suspected that the teacher did not know how to teach advanced Algebra. (She just handed out the assignments.) The Sylvan tutoring paid off big time: My son got an A+ (and his teacher was totally pissed about my son's proof that she didn't know how to teach).

Always give your teen the benefit of doubt and open up two-way communication - keep calm, stay open, don't judge.

I am so grateful that my 18-year-old finished school (early grad) last month and is now 30 days into Marine boot camp. I am so proud of him. There were periods when I really doubted my parenting skills. There were even days when all I wanted to do was get in my car and drive far, far away, never to return. But I hung in there because I believed that by being the best possible mom I could be, that my son would "see" because, after all, actions speak louder than words.

My son recently sent me a letter, writing, "Mom, you are my hero." Needless to say, I cried.

Moral of this story: What you put in, you get out.

Children know when you've given up on them. Don't do it. There is always hope.

By the way, I have two sons. I went through much more difficult struggles with my older son (now 24): When he was 16-to-19 years old, he tested me to the max, barely graduating. (Those last five months of high school would have driven another person over the deep edge.) My older son is now 24, married, has two little girls (ages 3 months and 3 years) and is a full-time student at a local technical college. (He just won third place in a statewide competition.) I never quit believing in him either, and he tells me all the time how much he loves and appreciates me.

Never throw in the towel, and don't ever become a doormat to your children. Be stronger than all the "I hate you" comments. Always remember you are the "teacher" and that your "pupil" sees all and misses nothing.

"As in nature, as in art, so in grace; it is rough treatment that gives souls, as well as stones, their luster." -Thomas Guthrie

Signed by a single working mother :flowerforyou:

blink1021

ADHD is WAY WAY WAY overdiagnosed/overmedicated, and if she is having emotional issues, you might be making it worse with this "quick fix".

Of course, these are just my opinions, but I am 20, so the difficulties of this age are not too far in my past. I hope you find a solution that helps your stepdaughter.

I'm going to AGREE x10 with the adhd over diagnosed/over medicated statement.

My bf's cousin is 8 and is on adhd AND anti-depressants. One is trying to calm him down the other is trying to elevate his mood. This kid is in a drugged up haze half the time because no one wants to take care of him. Than his poor 5 yr old sister is always being accused of having adhd when in reality she's JUST a normal five year old full of energy.

Be careful with this it is extremely over diagnosed. They have told me for years that my 8 year old may have ADHD but he only has one or two of the symptoms and that I should medicate him anyway. I refuse to medicate this is my personal choice after researching studies on these drugs and my own physician saying not to do it. My son has behavioral issues but I deal with them differently. His grades are fine its just behavior I know your step daughter is older but I use a reward system when I get a good report from school whether it is a movie at the theater or a friend getting to sleep over. If he has a bad week it is added chores or the loss of t.v. ( i do not allow him on the internet and he does not have a cell phone). If its a middle of the road kind of week like maybe one or two bad days but he picked himself back up and made positive changes he doesn't get rewarded but he isn't penalized either. I have also made dietary changes as well and it is helping. Again with all the changes in her life it may not be a bad idea to seek out a licensed counselor (not a psychiatrist) sometimes kids do not feel they can be open and honest with their parents and someone outside may help most insurances do cover this it may not be a bad idea to check out.

summergirl73

I was a wild child all thru school. I would ditch constantly. I was always in trouble for talking (no cell phones), passing notes, sleeping. After the 2nd or 3rd time of my teacher spoke to my father, he realized his "threats" and punishements were not working. My Dad came to my school and sat in every class, and "hung out" with me at lunch. I was MORTIFIED! He did it for a week...
Guess what? I suddenly became a really, really good student.

this but as a last resort