My Teenage Daughter
Replies
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im a child development major now, and (no offence) 'punishment' makes me sick. children repete behavior because it is working for them. they get the reaction they want etc. when something isnt working there is either a 1. lack of fit (needs to go to a different school) 2. unmet needs (need therapist, homework help, set schedual) or 3. lack of skill (pushing child to do something that is developmentaly unapropriate)
That's interesting...so the concept is, if they act out...send them to another school, send them to counselling, or assume they are incapable?
Yes, I over simplified, but...I'm sorry, I disagree completely.
It's amazing all of the incredibly resourceful, intelligent, caring, supportive, STRONG, and admirable people (I'm talking about my late 50yr old parents and back) that were raised in a household where if you screwed up, you paid consequences for it. And it's even more amazing that in todays world of enablement, counselling (yes, I believe in counselling...when my ex left last April and moved 800 miles away from her children then filed for custody...and lost, the first thing I did was signed myself, my daughter, and my two sons up for family counselling), medications, child development specialists, and 'give to get' parenting...how many kids disrespect their elders, their teachers (or try to murder them...seriously), don't care, and all around feel that they 'deserve' some special treatment just because they are who they are.
When will people realize that life in general and our society in specific doesn't accomodate those kinds of people, and all that will be gained if we DO manage to force our society to accomodate those kinds of people, is the ruination of the specific ideals that made our country great to begin with.
No offense.
This. We allow kids to run around doing whatever the *kitten* they want, because after all, they're very special and we don't want to hurt their feelings. Punishment is key. They misbehave, they get their PRIVILEGES taken away. Kids have this entitlement which is total bullsh*t. Start preparing your children for life after school, the workplace and "real world" is not going to coddle them and tell them that they're special.0 -
im a child development major now, and (no offence) 'punishment' makes me sick. children repete behavior because it is working for them. they get the reaction they want etc. when something isnt working there is either a 1. lack of fit (needs to go to a different school) 2. unmet needs (need therapist, homework help, set schedual) or 3. lack of skill (pushing child to do something that is developmentaly unapropriate)
That's interesting...so the concept is, if they act out...send them to another school, send them to counselling, or assume they are incapable?
Yes, I over simplified, but...I'm sorry, I disagree completely.
It's amazing all of the incredibly resourceful, intelligent, caring, supportive, STRONG, and admirable people (I'm talking about my late 50yr old parents and back) that were raised in a household where if you screwed up, you paid consequences for it. And it's even more amazing that in todays world of enablement, counselling (yes, I believe in counselling...when my ex left last April and moved 800 miles away from her children then filed for custody...and lost, the first thing I did was signed myself, my daughter, and my two sons up for family counselling), medications, child development specialists, and 'give to get' parenting...how many kids disrespect their elders, their teachers (or try to murder them...seriously), don't care, and all around feel that they 'deserve' some special treatment just because they are who they are.
When will people realize that life in general and our society in specific doesn't accomodate those kinds of people, and all that will be gained if we DO manage to force our society to accomodate those kinds of people, is the ruination of the specific ideals that made our country great to begin with.
No offense.
This. We allow kids to run around doing whatever the *kitten* they want, because after all, they're very special and we don't want to hurt their feelings. Punishment is key. They misbehave, they get their PRIVILEGES taken away. Kids have this entitlement which is total bullsh*t. Start preparing your children for life after school, the workplace and "real world" is not going to coddle them and tell them that they're special.
Yes, there are kids who habitually misbehave, but we are talking about a kid who is essentially a good teenager, who has been through a lot, and has come out the other end still essentially good, but currently creating one specific challenge. Why the immediate and insistent use of punishment? What's wrong with trying first to establish whether there is a genuine problem, or an issue that can be fixed? If I have a problem at work, or in my day-to-day life, I try to sort it out and find a solution - I don't arbitrarily 'punish' the person or thing who/which is causing it. That's a good life skill to have - problem solving - and a good thing to be modelling to any teenager. Punishment should be a last resort, once it has been established that this behaviour is something that actually needs to be punished ie. is not the result of something fixable, rather than the first port of call.0 -
Saying "no offense" doesn't make it any less offensive.Wow, no offense but you sound like a *****..
I moved out of my parents at 16.
If at 15, they had tried to take my phone, i would of laughed in their faces.
And your last comment shows that you had absolutely no respect for your parents, so I don't think anyone would be too interested in taking your advice. I also don't understand how 16 is an appropriate age to move out!
I agree. If my (almost 15yr old) daughter EVER felt or acted like she was entitled to the phone I bought her, I pay for monthly, and I'm responsible for her behavior on...she'd not just get it taken away, it'd be in the garbage can so fast she wouldn't have even had the chance to see where it went. Instead, she's respectful, treats the phone with maturity and responsibility, and so has free run of the internet and texting on that phone, with only light moderation on my part (I've yet to have to moderate it, other than having her remove an application that she didn't realize could be used to track her wherabouts). She's EARNED that privelege though...with her maturity and behavior both in school and out.im a child development major now, and (no offence) 'punishment' makes me sick. children repete behavior because it is working for them. they get the reaction they want etc. when something isnt working there is either a 1. lack of fit (needs to go to a different school) 2. unmet needs (need therapist, homework help, set schedual) or 3. lack of skill (pushing child to do something that is developmentaly unapropriate)
That's interesting...so the concept is, if they act out...send them to another school, send them to counselling, or assume they are incapable?
Yes, I over simplified, but...I'm sorry, I disagree completely.
It's amazing all of the incredibly resourceful, intelligent, caring, supportive, STRONG, and admirable people (I'm talking about my late 50yr old parents and back) that were raised in a household where if you screwed up, you paid consequences for it. And it's even more amazing that in todays world of enablement, counselling (yes, I believe in counselling...when my ex left last April and moved 800 miles away from her children then filed for custody...and lost, the first thing I did was signed myself, my daughter, and my two sons up for family counselling), medications, child development specialists, and 'give to get' parenting...how many kids disrespect their elders, their teachers (or try to murder them...seriously), don't care, and all around feel that they 'deserve' some special treatment just because they are who they are.
When will people realize that life in general and our society in specific doesn't accomodate those kinds of people, and all that will be gained if we DO manage to force our society to accomodate those kinds of people, is the ruination of the specific ideals that made our country great to begin with.
No offense.
This. We allow kids to run around doing whatever the *kitten* they want, because after all, they're very special and we don't want to hurt their feelings. Punishment is key. They misbehave, they get their PRIVILEGES taken away. Kids have this entitlement which is total bullsh*t. Start preparing your children for life after school, the workplace and "real world" is not going to coddle them and tell them that they're special.
Yes, there are kids who habitually misbehave, but we are talking about a kid who is essentially a good teenager, who has been through a lot, and has come out the other end still essentially good, but currently creating one specific challenge. Why the immediate and insistent use of punishment? What's wrong with trying first to establish whether there is a genuine problem, or an issue that can be fixed? If I have a problem at work, or in my day-to-day life, I try to sort it out and find a solution - I don't arbitrarily 'punish' the person or thing who/which is causing it. That's a good life skill to have - problem solving - and a good thing to be modelling to any teenager. Punishment should be a last resort, once it has been established that this behaviour is something that actually needs to be punished ie. is not the result of something fixable, rather than the first port of call.
Lets see...I'm a great person. I drive responsibly day in and day out. I'm driving down the freeway and get something in my eye, I try to carefully get over to exit the freeway to remove it, but end up causing an accident. Do you TRULY believe the officer responding is going to give a DAMN why I caused the accident? Do you think the judge is going to throw out my ticket because I had something in my eye? How about my insurance company? And since we both know none of those things will happen...and that I will be 'punished' for my totally unavoidable 'issue' and the consequences of it, do you truly believe that modeling that kind of unrealistic belief system to a teenager is appropriate? Life is hard. You love your children, you support them with positivity and care...but to say punishment is only a last resort, is ridiculously short sighted, and honestly, a disservice to your child.
I'm very open with my daughter, we have great communication. When she has issues with friends, or at school...or even with her teachers, she comes to me and we talk about them. Love and support, along with great communication is MANDATORY!! However so is modeling the real world. She is rarely, EVER punished. But that's not because I don't believe in it...it's because through experience she understands there are consequences to her actions, and that avoiding those consequences is really the preferable path to take.
Just like you and I, in the real world.0 -
First off, you should have her evaluated for ADD or ADHD. If you find out it's not that, I would take away her cell phone like you are going to do, and possibly have a parent/teacher conference with her teachers to go over her problems. Also taking away the internet is a good thing. You could also sit down with her once a week and go over her syllabuses and map out when she is going to do each assignment.
So a kid doesn't do well in school and automatically it's add/adhd? lol
Oh America.
REALLY?
Yes really. America, where everything can be solved w/ a pharmaceutical drug.
Exactly how the first damn thing out of your post was "does she adhd"
Really!0 -
First off, you should have her evaluated for ADD or ADHD. If you find out it's not that, I would take away her cell phone like you are going to do, and possibly have a parent/teacher conference with her teachers to go over her problems. Also taking away the internet is a good thing. You could also sit down with her once a week and go over her syllabuses and map out when she is going to do each assignment.
So a kid doesn't do well in school and automatically it's add/adhd? lol
Oh America.
Agreed. My 14 year old step son's grades are completely due to laziness. His mother doesn't take away his video games or punish/ground long enough to make any effect on him. (He lives with his mother)0 -
First off, you should have her evaluated for ADD or ADHD. If you find out it's not that, I would take away her cell phone like you are going to do, and possibly have a parent/teacher conference with her teachers to go over her problems. Also taking away the internet is a good thing. You could also sit down with her once a week and go over her syllabuses and map out when she is going to do each assignment.
So a kid doesn't do well in school and automatically it's add/adhd? lol
Oh America.
Agreed. My 14 year old step son's grades are completely due to laziness. His mother doesn't take away his video games or punish/ground long enough to make any effect on him. (He lives with his mother)
Remember, punishment isn't allowed. She has to reason with him and try to explain why his poor behavior hurts him in the long run. Taking away his priveleges that she supplied is bad. Better to take him to a doctor that is 85% sure to diagnose ADD/ADHD as the problem and then medicate, even though a good 50% of those diagnoses are inaccurate.0 -
First off, you should have her evaluated for ADD or ADHD. If you find out it's not that, I would take away her cell phone like you are going to do, and possibly have a parent/teacher conference with her teachers to go over her problems. Also taking away the internet is a good thing. You could also sit down with her once a week and go over her syllabuses and map out when she is going to do each assignment.
So a kid doesn't do well in school and automatically it's add/adhd? lol
Oh America.
Agreed. My 14 year old step son's grades are completely due to laziness. His mother doesn't take away his video games or punish/ground long enough to make any effect on him. (He lives with his mother)
Remember, punishment isn't allowed. She has to reason with him and try to explain why his poor behavior hurts him in the long run. Taking away his priveleges that she supplied is bad. Better to take him to a doctor that is 85% sure to diagnose ADD/ADHD as the problem and then medicate, even though a good 50% of those diagnoses are inaccurate.
RIGHT!0 -
Try taking the opposite approach, spend more time with her. Do something mundane: cook a meal, make fun of yourself, sit side by side and read separate magazines. You are the role model and the structure giver. Take charge and see if see comes around. She sounds like she is reaching out for acceptance.0
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Yes, there are kids who habitually misbehave, but we are talking about a kid who is essentially a good teenager, who has been through a lot, and has come out the other end still essentially good, but currently creating one specific challenge. Why the immediate and insistent use of punishment? What's wrong with trying first to establish whether there is a genuine problem, or an issue that can be fixed? If I have a problem at work, or in my day-to-day life, I try to sort it out and find a solution - I don't arbitrarily 'punish' the person or thing who/which is causing it. That's a good life skill to have - problem solving - and a good thing to be modelling to any teenager. Punishment should be a last resort, once it has been established that this behaviour is something that actually needs to be punished ie. is not the result of something fixable, rather than the first port of call.
Lets see...I'm a great person. I drive responsibly day in and day out. I'm driving down the freeway and get something in my eye, I try to carefully get over to exit the freeway to remove it, but end up causing an accident. Do you TRULY believe the officer responding is going to give a DAMN why I caused the accident? Do you think the judge is going to throw out my ticket because I had something in my eye? How about my insurance company? And since we both know none of those things will happen...and that I will be 'punished' for my totally unavoidable 'issue' and the consequences of it, do you truly believe that modeling that kind of unrealistic belief system to a teenager is appropriate? Life is hard. You love your children, you support them with positivity and care...but to say punishment is only a last resort, is ridiculously short sighted, and honestly, a disservice to your child.
There's a very big difference between actions that pose a risk to others, and actions that do not. I don't believe these two situations are comparable. Perhaps we operate in differing judicial systems, but if your actions in trying to exit the freeway (as I call it a motorway, I suspect we do!) were observed by witnesses and/or the officer who gave you a ticket, and were judged to be commensurate with someone trying their best in a situation beyond their control to avoid harm to themselves and others, then you might well have a case for the ticket/dangerous driving charge to be dropped.
No, life is not always fair, and we are not always able to control everything around us, and sometimes that leads to things happening that punish us for something that is outside our control. However, this should be the exception, not the norm. That's essentially the point of our justice system, particularly the "innocent until proven guilty" premise. In my view, and that of my parents in raising me, the best way to raise a respectful, productive adult is to raise a child with respect as well, and that means allowing them the opportunity to explain their actions, and investigating to see if an action that is disliked is the result of a problem can be fixed, before jumping to an authoritarian 'punishment' mode. What advantage is gained, for example, by punishing the child with an unrecognised hearing difficulty for ignoring verbal instructions? Better, in my view, to ask why the instruction was ignored, and if there is a pattern, to investigate the reason for it. Particularly in dealing with a young adult, which is after all, who we're discussing here, surely it's better to apply some logic, ideally together, and develop some problem-solving abilities, if the cause can be resolved?
I'm very open with my daughter, we have great communication. When she has issues with friends, or at school...or even with her teachers, she comes to me and we talk about them. Love and support, along with great communication is MANDATORY!! However so is modeling the real world. She is rarely, EVER punished. But that's not because I don't believe in it...it's because through experience she understands there are consequences to her actions, and that avoiding those consequences is really the preferable path to take.
Just like you and I, in the real world.
Yes. You have opened up the lines of communication so that your daughter can come to you with problems before they become an issue that might deserve punishment. The girl in question has not had that opportunity with her step-mother. I'm not saying that genuinely bad behaviour should not have consequences. What I am suggesting is that it would be more constructive to find out whether this 'bad behaviour' is the product of something than can be, or needs to be, fixed, rather than jumping straight in to a punishment mind-set. Punishing the behaviour, if it is the product of something that requires attention, will not resolve the issue in the long run, and may well obstruct the communication lines one tries to establish, if the teen/child can reason through to the cause themselves, and feels they have been treated unjustly.0 -
Yes, there are kids who habitually misbehave, but we are talking about a kid who is essentially a good teenager, who has been through a lot, and has come out the other end still essentially good, but currently creating one specific challenge. Why the immediate and insistent use of punishment? What's wrong with trying first to establish whether there is a genuine problem, or an issue that can be fixed? If I have a problem at work, or in my day-to-day life, I try to sort it out and find a solution - I don't arbitrarily 'punish' the person or thing who/which is causing it. That's a good life skill to have - problem solving - and a good thing to be modelling to any teenager. Punishment should be a last resort, once it has been established that this behaviour is something that actually needs to be punished ie. is not the result of something fixable, rather than the first port of call.
Lets see...I'm a great person. I drive responsibly day in and day out. I'm driving down the freeway and get something in my eye, I try to carefully get over to exit the freeway to remove it, but end up causing an accident. Do you TRULY believe the officer responding is going to give a DAMN why I caused the accident? Do you think the judge is going to throw out my ticket because I had something in my eye? How about my insurance company? And since we both know none of those things will happen...and that I will be 'punished' for my totally unavoidable 'issue' and the consequences of it, do you truly believe that modeling that kind of unrealistic belief system to a teenager is appropriate? Life is hard. You love your children, you support them with positivity and care...but to say punishment is only a last resort, is ridiculously short sighted, and honestly, a disservice to your child.
There's a very big difference between actions that pose a risk to others, and actions that do not. I don't believe these two situations are comparable. Perhaps we operate in differing judicial systems, but if your actions in trying to exit the freeway (as I call it a motorway, I suspect we do!) were observed by witnesses and/or the officer who gave you a ticket, and were judged to be commensurate with someone trying their best in a situation beyond their control to avoid harm to themselves and others, then you might well have a case for the ticket/dangerous driving charge to be dropped.
No, life is not always fair, and we are not always able to control everything around us, and sometimes that leads to things happening that punish us for something that is outside our control. However, this should be the exception, not the norm. That's essentially the point of our justice system, particularly the "innocent until proven guilty" premise. In my view, and that of my parents in raising me, the best way to raise a respectful, productive adult is to raise a child with respect as well, and that means allowing them the opportunity to explain their actions, and investigating to see if an action that is disliked is the result of a problem can be fixed, before jumping to an authoritarian 'punishment' mode. What advantage is gained, for example, by punishing the child with an unrecognised hearing difficulty for ignoring verbal instructions? Better, in my view, to ask why the instruction was ignored, and if there is a pattern, to investigate the reason for it. Particularly in dealing with a young adult, which is after all, who we're discussing here, surely it's better to apply some logic, ideally together, and develop some problem-solving abilities, if the cause can be resolved?
I'm very open with my daughter, we have great communication. When she has issues with friends, or at school...or even with her teachers, she comes to me and we talk about them. Love and support, along with great communication is MANDATORY!! However so is modeling the real world. She is rarely, EVER punished. But that's not because I don't believe in it...it's because through experience she understands there are consequences to her actions, and that avoiding those consequences is really the preferable path to take.
Just like you and I, in the real world.
Yes. You have opened up the lines of communication so that your daughter can come to you with problems before they become an issue that might deserve punishment. The girl in question has not had that opportunity with her step-mother. I'm not saying that genuinely bad behaviour should not have consequences. What I am suggesting is that it would be more constructive to find out whether this 'bad behaviour' is the product of something than can be, or needs to be, fixed, rather than jumping straight in to a punishment mind-set. Punishing the behaviour, if it is the product of something that requires attention, will not resolve the issue in the long run, and may well obstruct the communication lines one tries to establish, if the teen/child can reason through to the cause themselves, and feels they have been treated unfairly.
Well then maybe she should have started awhile ago. There's a thought.0 -
Well then maybe she should have started awhile ago. There's a thought.
Er, who and what? If you mean the step-mother, I understood the girl has only recently begun to live with her and her husband full-time. Very difficult situation, in any circumstances.0 -
Yes, there are kids who habitually misbehave, but we are talking about a kid who is essentially a good teenager, who has been through a lot, and has come out the other end still essentially good, but currently creating one specific challenge. Why the immediate and insistent use of punishment? What's wrong with trying first to establish whether there is a genuine problem, or an issue that can be fixed? If I have a problem at work, or in my day-to-day life, I try to sort it out and find a solution - I don't arbitrarily 'punish' the person or thing who/which is causing it. That's a good life skill to have - problem solving - and a good thing to be modelling to any teenager. Punishment should be a last resort, once it has been established that this behaviour is something that actually needs to be punished ie. is not the result of something fixable, rather than the first port of call.
Lets see...I'm a great person. I drive responsibly day in and day out. I'm driving down the freeway and get something in my eye, I try to carefully get over to exit the freeway to remove it, but end up causing an accident. Do you TRULY believe the officer responding is going to give a DAMN why I caused the accident? Do you think the judge is going to throw out my ticket because I had something in my eye? How about my insurance company? And since we both know none of those things will happen...and that I will be 'punished' for my totally unavoidable 'issue' and the consequences of it, do you truly believe that modeling that kind of unrealistic belief system to a teenager is appropriate? Life is hard. You love your children, you support them with positivity and care...but to say punishment is only a last resort, is ridiculously short sighted, and honestly, a disservice to your child.
There's a very big difference between actions that pose a risk to others, and actions that do not. I don't believe these two situations are comparable. Perhaps we operate in differing judicial systems, but if your actions in trying to exit the freeway (as I call it a motorway, I suspect we do!) were observed by witnesses and/or the officer who gave you a ticket, and were judged to be commensurate with someone trying their best in a situation beyond their control to avoid harm to themselves and others, then you might well have a case for the ticket/dangerous driving charge to be dropped.
No, life is not always fair, and we are not always able to control everything around us, and sometimes that leads to things happening that punish us for something that is outside our control. However, this should be the exception, not the norm. That's essentially the point of our justice system, particularly the "innocent until proven guilty" premise. In my view, and that of my parents in raising me, the best way to raise a respectful, productive adult is to raise a child with respect as well, and that means allowing them the opportunity to explain their actions, and investigating to see if an action that is disliked is the result of a problem can be fixed, before jumping to an authoritarian 'punishment' mode. What advantage is gained, for example, by punishing the child with an unrecognised hearing difficulty for ignoring verbal instructions? Better, in my view, to ask why the instruction was ignored, and if there is a pattern, to investigate the reason for it. Particularly in dealing with a young adult, which is after all, who we're discussing here, surely it's better to apply some logic, ideally together, and develop some problem-solving abilities, if the cause can be resolved?
I'm very open with my daughter, we have great communication. When she has issues with friends, or at school...or even with her teachers, she comes to me and we talk about them. Love and support, along with great communication is MANDATORY!! However so is modeling the real world. She is rarely, EVER punished. But that's not because I don't believe in it...it's because through experience she understands there are consequences to her actions, and that avoiding those consequences is really the preferable path to take.
Just like you and I, in the real world.
Yes. You have opened up the lines of communication so that your daughter can come to you with problems before they become an issue that might deserve punishment. The girl in question has not had that opportunity with her step-mother. I'm not saying that genuinely bad behaviour should not have consequences. What I am suggesting is that it would be more constructive to find out whether this 'bad behaviour' is the product of something than can be, or needs to be, fixed, rather than jumping straight in to a punishment mind-set. Punishing the behaviour, if it is the product of something that requires attention, will not resolve the issue in the long run, and may well obstruct the communication lines one tries to establish, if the teen/child can reason through to the cause themselves, and feels they have been treated unjustly.
I agree with this, in part. What I disagree with mostly is the part regarding the enforcement of the law. You mentioned 'if' a whole lot there as a means to get out of that circumstance, and that 'if' isn't going to do a damn thing for your insurance rates. There are other, less dangerous (to others) circumstances as well that would cause issue with the law, but if you can't see the correlation between the one I listed and this, you won't see the correlation with any others.
As for the parts I agree with...of course you have to make the girl understand that IF the grades don't come up, there will be punishment. I was assuming they were past that because the woman was asking for further forms of punishment to lever the girl into doing what was needed. The discussion part of this is clearly past. YES she may have other issues, but the punishments need to stand...and the opening (or widening) of lines of communication and support need to be concentrated on as well. I'm not saying beat the poor girl, I'm saying create consequences for her behavior, and stick to them like glue. When the behavior improves, you can not only give her the reward, you can further positively reinforce the behavior with other priveleges that she may not have had to begin with. Dinner out for her favorite food with her Dad, trips to a salon with her step mom...whatever. Positive reinforcement IS critical, for the new behaviors to be learned willingly, but negative consequences are absolutely mandatory as well.
The other thing I agree with is discussing the reasons, this is CRITICAL...but the fact is that negative actions have negative consequences (regardless of the reasons for those actions), and not modeling that to your child is hurting them far more than it is helping them. You instill the sense of right and wrong in your children at an early age...with the understanding that there will be consequences for the wrong. I understand that this girl hasn't had that due to her mothers issues...but it's never too late to begin...as a loving parent, to make a child understand these things. Part of that involves enforcing those consequences. Words clearly haven't helped this girl (I'm 150% positive the OP and her husband have talked to the girl about her school work and grades), and so further action is necessary.
To be honest, I don't think we're as far off in our beliefs as our arguments may indicate. Reason and consideration are absolutely necessary when raising a child, but just as necessary are punishments (or more accurately put, enforcement of consequences).0 -
I take away there electronics. I start with the computer, then if they dont straighten up the tv, then the phone, game systems, etc. When they get tired of not having any privledges they usually shape up. Good Luck it is really hard being a parent it is a constant balancing act.0
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When it comer to her academics she is lazy and unorganized. She is always turning things in late, her teachers tell us she talks in class alot, she needs to be told to refocus regularly and some of it has to do with the group of girls she sits with. I contacted a teacher today about her slipping grades and he informed me that she is passing notes and texting in class regularly. Now I did tell the teacher i do not understand why the hell they have not taken her phone, but that being said her Dad and I are probably going to take her phone for a while. That being said her phone is one of her only sources of punishment we have. She is newer to the school so she doesn't have a ton of friends and a super active social life. We have ha to take her phone before and i feel like its starting lose its effect. What other forms of punishment (or even ways to encourage or motivate her to do better) Do you use with your teenagers? I need some creative idea
I have a disorganized (and perceived lazy though she isn't) teenage daughter and niece. One thing I noticed is if punishment # 1 doesn't work, punishments 2 through 10 are likely to have the same effect. Remember what it was like being a teenager. School is boring, stressful and seems directionless most of the time. I think you'll find your situation is found in most households.
I had taken the route of encouragement and motivation, trying to be an adviser or coach. Ask her questions like, "Okay, where can we put your homework so that you will not forget to turn it in tomorrow?" and at the end of the day, "Did you remember to turn it in? No? Can you remember tomorrow?" then the next morning, "Remember to turn in that homework" and follow up that evening. It is irritating, nosey and they may say that, but you can say, "I am sorry, but when you are no longer forgetting then I will be sure to stop asking. I'm doing this because I want to help you win" and make good on it. At work, if you're late on a job or project, your boss tends to buzz around you like a bee at a hive so this template is a good model for the real world. All the best.0 -
I read the first page or two and disagreed with a ton of stuff, so I'm just going to put in my two cents: have her tested for ADD/ADHD, regardless of what all the know-it-all naysayers might whine about. I was a straight-A student most of my life. Not because I put in effort or did the work, but because I was smart. I didn't have to pay attention because I'd ace the tests. I could write a paper in a few hours and it would be the highest grade in the class even though other people tried harder. It all fell apart when I went to law school (I'm finishing my second year now). Suddenly, it was all about the time you put in, studying consistently, and figuring things out one step at a time. I started failing for the first time in my life because I didn't have the ability to do what was necessary and had never had to learn. I finally went to a doctor who diagnosed me with ADHD and saved me. I felt normal, like I suddenly knew what it was like for everyone else. It actually pulled me out of lifelong depression and anxiety.
So no, it's not an excuse; it's real and it matters. Get her checked, there's no harm in that.0 -
I am in the same situation as you. My 14 almost 15 year old step daughter has lived with us since she was 7 though. We fought to take her away from her mother for all of the same reasons you listed. Overall she is a good kid but does the same texting, note passing, not tuning in paperwork etc. I took her phone completely away. She is only allowed to use it to call me or her father. I also took the tv away from her. Her homework must be completed before she is allowed to step outside. At one point I was doing the whole folder check and planner check every night to make sure she was doing it and getting it turned in. We have iParent up her and it allows me to see when she turns something in late or scores poorly on a test. I also do not let her do anything during the school week. Only on the weekend.
I also try to use motivating items. She wants to get her ears pierced again and I told her if she brings home all A's and B's she can this summer. She also wanted to go to a dance. The agreement was she had to get at least a B on her next Japanese test. She failed and didnt get to go with her friends. The only real suggestion i can think of is set goals and rewards as well as punishments and stick to them no matter how much she begs. Good luck
I have a 13 year old son no behavioral issues but he does get lazy at school sometimes. He is very smart and gets bored easily, and then therefore lazy. BTW he was diagnosed with ADD when he was in 5th grade through a very thorough evaluation by a licensed psychiatrist. He's been on medication (a low dose) and it has helped him tremendously focus his thoughts.
We use goals to keep him motivated. He wanted an itouch two years ago. I told him only if his grades stayed on A honor roll all four quarters of school. The first year, he missed it by one tenth of a point in the last quarter. ONE TENTH of a point. But, I backed it up and he did not get the itouch until this year. I don't punish him per se, but I do set goals with him. He wanted to see the Hunger Games movie....I told him if he read the book, then I would take him. So he read it.
My best advice is to find something that she's interested in and encourage her to explore it. With my son, it's theater, art and music. He's in the school drama club and the music program. I told him he MUST participate in an extracurricular activity, such as a club or music, or sports. He chose drama and music. This has helped his social skills and confidence. Plus it keeps him busy.
Good luck!0 -
If she is a natural caregiver, I would capitalize on this. If she is a caring, compassionate person she has a natural ability to help others. Involve her in good volunteer work and I am sure she will really enjoy it. You then can use this as a way for her to see that she will be able to earn a living helping others. She may actually be a great teacher or nurse, but she won't get there by doing poorly in school.
I am sure that she does not see the connection to her behavior now and what she would like to do in the future. This might help her see that. Her natural personality is a valued commodity.0 -
BTW I quoted the OP because it's great sound advice...meant to add to my previous post I agree with the tactics!0
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Saying "no offense" doesn't make it any less offensive.Wow, no offense but you sound like a *****..
I moved out of my parents at 16.
If at 15, they had tried to take my phone, i would of laughed in their faces.
And your last comment shows that you had absolutely no respect for your parents, so I don't think anyone would be too interested in taking your advice. I also don't understand how 16 is an appropriate age to move out!
In England, at 16 you can leave home, have sex (but not take photos of it), get married, join the army, smoke (As long as someone else has bought the *kitten* for you), Buy your own internet / phone line, etc, etc..
And i think with my family situation, it was probably safer for me to leave anyway. So i have good reason to not respect my parents.0 -
I read the first page or two and disagreed with a ton of stuff, so I'm just going to put in my two cents: have her tested for ADD/ADHD, regardless of what all the know-it-all naysayers might whine about. I was a straight-A student most of my life. Not because I put in effort or did the work, but because I was smart. I didn't have to pay attention because I'd ace the tests. I could write a paper in a few hours and it would be the highest grade in the class even though other people tried harder. It all fell apart when I went to law school (I'm finishing my second year now). Suddenly, it was all about the time you put in, studying consistently, and figuring things out one step at a time. I started failing for the first time in my life because I didn't have the ability to do what was necessary and had never had to learn. I finally went to a doctor who diagnosed me with ADHD and saved me. I felt normal, like I suddenly knew what it was like for everyone else. It actually pulled me out of lifelong depression and anxiety.
So no, it's not an excuse; it's real and it matters. Get her checked, there's no harm in that.
Sounds exactly like my 13 year old son's experience...thankfully he was diagnosed with ADD in 5th grade and I've been teaching him good study habits, even when he already knows the materials...
REALLY glad to hear you got help and are doing well! congrats on the achievement of Law School!0 -
Ok I think this may have gotten way out of control. She does not have ADD/ADHD so that is not an issue.
Basically I was looking for some more creative ways to get her motivated and yes discipline her. We decided to take her phone a few hours a day (while she is at school) but giver her money incentives when she earns good grades. She can also earn getting her phone back.
She has been through some things but she communicates very well with us. I'm not worried how she is going to turn out she has a good head on her shoulders. She does worry about her mom and sister but she is a natural care giver so we are encouraging her to make her self a priority.
Thanks for all the advice0 -
I agree with this, in part. What I disagree with mostly is the part regarding the enforcement of the law. You mentioned 'if' a whole lot there as a means to get out of that circumstance, and that 'if' isn't going to do a damn thing for your insurance rates. There are other, less dangerous (to others) circumstances as well that would cause issue with the law, but if you can't see the correlation between the one I listed and this, you won't see the correlation with any others.
Oh, I see the correlation, I just don't think the two are directly comparable. I guess the point I was trying to make is that you would, in the situation you described, at least want your side of the story heard, and the extenuating circumstances considered where possible. It's a good model for justice, and, I think we agree, judging from the rest of your post, a good model for raising kids.As for the parts I agree with...of course you have to make the girl understand that IF the grades don't come up, there will be punishment. I was assuming they were past that because the woman was asking for further forms of punishment to lever the girl into doing what was needed. The discussion part of this is clearly past. YES she may have other issues, but the punishments need to stand...and the opening (or widening) of lines of communication and support need to be concentrated on as well. I'm not saying beat the poor girl, I'm saying create consequences for her behavior, and stick to them like glue. When the behavior improves, you can not only give her the reward, you can further positively reinforce the behavior with other priveleges that she may not have had to begin with. Dinner out for her favorite food with her Dad, trips to a salon with her step mom...whatever. Positive reinforcement IS critical, for the new behaviors to be learned willingly, but negative consequences are absolutely mandatory as well.
The other thing I agree with is discussing the reasons, this is CRITICAL...but the fact is that negative actions have negative consequences (regardless of the reasons for those actions), and not modeling that to your child is hurting them far more than it is helping them. You instill the sense of right and wrong in your children at an early age...with the understanding that there will be consequences for the wrong. I understand that this girl hasn't had that due to her mothers issues...but it's never too late to begin...as a loving parent, to make a child understand these things. Part of that involves enforcing those consequences. Words clearly haven't helped this girl (I'm 150% positive the OP and her husband have talked to the girl about her school work and grades), and so further action is necessary.
To be honest, I don't think we're as far off in our beliefs as our arguments may indicate. Reason and consideration are absolutely necessary when raising a child, but just as necessary are punishments (or more accurately put, enforcement of consequences).
I don't think we are far apart at all - maybe going from different starting assumptions. The way I read the OP, the issues hadn't really been discussed or the reasons investigated, and we seem to agree that it is important that they are. It's always a relief to find that one perhaps has more in common than one might originally have thought with someone who debates and argues their case clearly, as you do. Have a good day, and to the OP, the very best of luck!0
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