ladies help! my mom and girlfriend dont like each other

Halloch

Being an older lady myself with daughter-in-laws myself I realize I have no say in who my boys get involved with. I also know how your girlfriend feels. When I was younger I was treated with disrespect by my boyfriends mother. I could not change her and did not try. I would remain polite but I would avoid her when ever possible. She finally did get to like me but not till long after we were married. I remember those feelings of hurt to this day so I try to remain neutral with my boys girlfriends and wives. This doesn't sound like it will be possible with your mother though. The best thing you can do if you really like your girlfriend is to support her by giving both their own space. You do need to talk to your mother by yourself and explain to her her comments are offensive and not appreciated. Time may make things easier and they may learn to like each other, after all something drew you to your girlfriend. Maybe your mom just needs to see this for herself. Go easy on both.

jsp2374

One of the first memorable things my MIL said to me at a family dinner with my SIL's current BF in attendance was, "Oh it didn't surprise us that Ben married someone with big boobs." Talk about making an impression on me. Of course we had already been married almost two years had a child together and moved from the US to Australia. Needless to say I didn't feel overly welcomed or wanted in that house. Now 8 years later the MIL and I get along. Mainly because we have to, but we do. Oh and my husband never got involved either. Basically he ignores everything that comes out of his mum's mouth and leaves me to deal with the family crap.

Oh and yeah she shouldn't have worn a skirt that short.

AlsDonkBoxSquat

They will eventually get along. Just don't get in the middle or make a big deal about it

No, no and no they won't. I honestly believe that one of the biggest problems with in laws is that the son/daughter stay out of issues between their loved ones and things just don't get resolved early. It becomes the two people pitting the son/daughter against each other for whatever reason (love, attention, blah, blah). Many times (not all) if the stance is taken early that you are both important and it's important to me that we all get along many future issues (not all) could be avoided.

beckajw

Together, after time, they are both going to make your life hell because of their feelings towards each other. Yucky situation.

I hate my son's girlfriend but he is only 14 and I'm hoping the little tramp just goes away. She has gotten my otherwise kind, caring son in to more trouble in six months than he's ever been in his lifetime.

Yea, I'm sure your son is completely innocent.

imogenjade

depends how much you like the girl. but your mum sounds like a *****. your girlfriend did nothing wrong

billsica

You should just have a baby with her. Then mom will become grandma, and will be to busy spoiling her grandchild.
your Gf won't be able to wear tight skirts for a wile either.

Problem solved.

beckajw

So Im taking my girlfriend to meet my mom for the first time and I notice that her skirt is kinda short and tight. I know my mom will notice this too but after a previous post I did on mfp where I was called a jerk several hundred times I decide not to mention anything to the girlfriend about her attire. At the dinner my mom says to the gf "so what do u do?" The gf says "I'm a project mgr for a fortune 500 co." My mom says " well with a skirt that tight and a Butt that big I bet u could make a fortune in the projects as a Hooker, hahaha " ( my mom like me lacks tact and is kinda getting senile). My gf is extremely offended and when we leave she says "I don't think I'm going to like your mom". My mom text me and says "your gf is a stick in the mud who dresses like a tramp I'm quite sure I'm not going to like her".


How should I go forward? Do I try to get them together again, leave the girlfriend, leave my mom (this is actually not an option) or not really care?

On your last post my issue wasn't with you giving your gf a heads up, it was your approach. This time, it's with not giving your gf a heads up. Have a talk with both of them about first impressions:

To the gf: I'm really sorry that my mom offended you, she just has a quirky sense of humor and a more traditional taste in clothing. You're both extremely important to me and it would mean a lot to me if we could give this another, fresh start.

To the mom: Mom, you really offended gf, while she is fun and funny she just doesn't have your sense of humor and with her figure even conservative clothing is sentuious. You're both extremely important to me and it would mean a lot to me if we could give this another, fresh start based on personality not taste in attire.

^^ This exactly. Although, I would also tell Mom, that she offended me too because I care about my GF.

rml_16

You should just have a baby with her. Then mom will become grandma, and will be to busy spoiling her grandchild.
your Gf won't be able to wear tight skirts for a wile either.

Problem solved.

You always give the best advice.

janalayn

I am probably going to be in the minority but I think I really like your mom. I probably would have said something similar if not worse. And my mother is the same way (at court with my ex-husband, he complimented her on her weight loss and she proceeded to tell him that he was about the fattest she had ever seen him LOL).

In the GFs position, I would NOT have worn something inappropriate. I value my boyfriends opinion - I would have asked what he thought of my outfit and he would have told me to change my clothes.

You can't make people like each other ... so if you think your mom was out of line - tell her... if you think the GF was dressed like a hooker - tell her. Personally, I would probably take your mom's side and dump a girl who dressed like a hooker to meet my mother.

LaMujerMasBonitaDelMundo

Did your gf know she was going to be meeting your mom? If so, she def. should have dressed better. Especially if she works for a fortune 500 co, then she should know how to dress properly. Sometimes people just don't get along, but if she didn't make any effort to impress your mom who is important to you, to me that says she just doesn't really care. Some women are threatened by mother in laws and all that good stuff. Doesn't seem to me from what you said that she cared very much about making a good impression.

I have to agree on this. As a professional myself, its not proper to dress skanky if you going to meet a person for the first time especially your potential mother-in-law. You can't wear those things in a job interview so she should do the same thing when meeting your mom. As they say "first impressions last". Its OK to dress like that IF (as in a big "if") she will go to a beach or pool with your family & that she & your family are very comfortable with each other.

A rule of thumb when meeting someone whether your potential employer, a client, a potential mother in law or anybody for the first time, it is safe & proper to be a little more conservative.

EDIT: I also agree that your mother should be a little more tactful. It is very rude to tell that in your gf's face. If I were the gf, I would probably walk out of your house. She should have just told you about it after the meet-up. Actually both parties did something wrong.

thebigcb

Your mother seems like an extremely rude person. Invites someone too her house and then belittles them in what is a very sensitive situation.

Tell your mother not to speak to your partner that way and that if she persists with her narrow minded comments she will only end up being lonely as you will distance yourself from her.

mamaclose

.

MsKekeSoFocused

Wow your mom's a b****.

How can you say that, when you don't know her??? His mom is just being honest..Obviously she wants a good woman for her son..No female should dress that way meeting the parents the first time...(in my opinion) Im not saying his girlfriend can dress how she wants, because maybe thats her style, but at the same time maybe wear something that isn't so tight and short. But to call his mom a ***** and you don't know her is ****ed up..

But Dave, maybe talk with your mom about it..Explain to her how you feel about the girl, and ask her to try and respect her.Also talk to your girlfriend.. If you really care about this chic, then your mom will respect your wishes and same as the girlfriend..But hopefully they get along sooner than later..Other wise that would be hard.

Amberetta82

Hahahahahahaha good luck. I USED to like my bf's mom and once her son and I started dating... she started hating me. Now, we hate each other. We can't be anywhere near each other. Its just best that we don't talk at all. I have told her off twice already. Pure hatred for this woman. so yea... GOOD LUCK.

Helenatrandom

Let your gf know that you understand that your mom hurt her feelings, but your mom will ALWAYS be part of your life. Ask her if she can deal with that. If the answer is no, hug her and tell her goodbye. If the answer is yes, ask her if she wants a heads up if you see any potential clashes between them or to just let them deal with them her way. Then observe and see if YOU can deal with the way your mom and gf treat one another. If you can't, then determine if you can have your mom part of your life without her being part of your serious gf's life (and if your gf is the kind who will give you a hard time for not shunning your mom) . You also need to communicate to your mom that she has to treat your gf with respect no matter how she dresses, out of love for you, or she will miss fun times, like having lunch with the both of you on a regular basis.

You need to communicate with the ladies in your life before you actually DO anything. Give them the opportunity to choose to make it work or not. If they choose not, AND your gf wants you to avoid your Mom, then gf has to go. You already said ditching your mom is not an option. (BTW, I wouldn't approve at all if it was. :flowerforyou: Moms are special, even senile ones...Though I would approve of walking out with gf every time your mom insults her just to show your mom you mean business... That IS another option if you are too serious with gf to EVER consider breaking up, or if your mom does this kind of thing to anyone you date...)

kobiemom

Wow. Your mother could be my mother-in-law. With 30 years of experience on the subject, I can offer some simple advice. Your mother loves you very much. Your girlfriend is seen as a threat, so your mother is feeling defensive. She's acting offensive and may not realize it. Did your mother have a mother-in-law? This situation will be worse if she doesn't/didn't. She has no idea how if feels to be on the receiving end. My husband always took my side, which was somewhat helpful but it made his mother act up behind his back. When I would tell him about it, she would deny it. I had to develop my own strategy - with his support. I let her know that she was not to be rude to me and I would do the same. My opinion carried as much weight as hers. Let GF know that your mother will NOT be directing the relationship. Examine your mother's control over your life. Let her know that you love her and that nothing will ever change that. ALSO that you are grown now and will be in charge of your own life. Keep it simple and consistent. We ended up living 300 miles away. I would highly recommend it.

BamaBreezeNSaltAire

They will eventually get along. Just don't get in the middle or make a big deal about it

Don't agree with this. My MIL and I still don't get along.

And PLEASE tell me you told your mother that her comment was completely inappropriate. If you can't stand up to your mother now, you never will. If your GF were asking for advice, I'd tell her to run for the hills if you didn't stand up for her.

ETA: Just saw the leav mom is not an option. Yep, if you can't put your GF who could potentially become your WIFE (i.e. #1 woman in your life. Period. End. O. Story.) first in a little thing. You will never put her first. It's your choice to be a momma's boy or to be a man.

THIS^^^

Crystal_Pistol

Speak to each of them about being respectful to each other and stay out of it. Two adults need to just work it out.

Christina1007

Sorry to hear that. It must be sooo difficult to be in between. To be honest, no mum is ever going to really like any of their son's girlfriends. I know my mum is a real pain in the butt when it comes to my both sister-in-laws and tries and find them flaws all the time like their way of dressing, their cooking, the way they behave with my brothers and I could go on and on and on.

Your girlfriend should ahve worn something different to start with, but hey it's just a bloody skirt at the end of the day.

You should make it very clear to your mum from the beggining, if it's not too late, that you will not stand that kind of non-sense and she should get a grip. You love your girlfriend and will stay with her, short skirt or no short skirt! She will probably grumble something but as long as you don't let her influence you and get into your relationship, you are on the safe side! AH, and don't try to make them be "friends". It's not gonna work. More like try and make them behave and be civilized, That should work.

good luck!

rchupka87

This is just my personal opinion of course, but - you GF should not have to dress to impress your Mama. You obviously love her for who she is - and if a tight skirt is what she feels most comfortable in - then by all means, let her wear the damn skirt. You were right not to say anything. As for both of the women in your life - if YOU are serious about the relationship - then it's time to have a serious talk - with both of them. Explain to the GF how much your Mama means to you, and if she could just play nice, and try to get along, how much it would mean to you. Same thing with your Mama. Tell her how much this new GF means to you, and ask for her love a support - and the same thing - to try to play nice. With both women on their best behavior around the other - they may actually have a chance to get to know one another. And...... wait for it..... They might actually like each other.