men quick question

smkafka

Mandag...I have been going through this for years. I have a very healthy sex drive. I have been married for 11 years but my husband is 52 and I am now 40. However, we have only had sex 2 times in the last 11 years. I often try to bring it up to him as well. His excuses have been he is stressed. However, when he came home one night after being out with some of his friends he told me he was not attracted to me. I too get hit on by other guys. So I can't be that ugly. Yes I am heavy and working on it and have come a long way but it hasn't changed anything. I know he loves me which is why I am still with him but I can empathize on how difficult it is to be with a man that will not be intimate with you. I think my husband has physical problems and is too embarrassed to talk about it. I wish you all the best and hope you can work through it! :flowerforyou:

MaryBowen27

But like I said if its not depression or low T levels (which there is no shame in either one)
out of all my friends over the years that lost interest in having sex with their wife or girlfrien
it was because of one of the following 3 things:
Cheating
addicted to Porn
his partner *****ed or nagged at him sooo much that he could no longer stand to even touch her any longer. Which I dont think is the issue in the OP.'s relationship. In my opinion the OP.'s husband is going to thru exactly what I did not to long ago and is depressed because he currently hates the way he looks and feels.

Well now as an unknowing female I'm very confused because your only 3 things, don't match iamthatdudes only three options. Now what do we do?!!!

FlyeredUp

I think you can narrow it down to 2 answers. He is getting it elsewhere or he is gay.

kinda leaning towards this too..

This is unreal to me. I can't believe people's first thoughts on lack of sex drive is cheating or sexuality related. I think this is such a general ignorant response. I'm not saying it's not an option, but this whole attitude that if men don't want sex, it's just unthinkable so they MUST be cheating or gay. There is no one size fits all for sexual issues, and these two issues are very 'day time tv' perspectives on real life issue that have many different triggers and causes.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^!!!

Your not a male and have no clue how powerful the male sex drive is!! If it isnt depression or low T levels, He is cheating or addicted to porn!!

Sigh.

And why are you saying the 'male sex drive' as if it's related to gender? I have a higher sex drive than any male I've ever met.

Sigh...Just because you wanted to have sex with them more than they wanted to with you doesnt mean your sex drive was higher than theirs.

greene89

Mandag...I have been going through this for years. I have a very healthy sex drive. I have been married for 11 years but my husband is 52 and I am now 40. However, we have only had sex 2 times in the last 11 years. I often try to bring it up to him as well. His excuses have been he is stressed. However, when he came home one night after being out with some of his friends he told me he was not attracted to me. I too get hit on by other guys. So I can't be that ugly. Yes I am heavy and working on it and have come a long way but it hasn't changed anything. I know he loves me which is why I am still with him but I can empathize on how difficult it is to be with a man that will not be intimate with you. I think my husband has physical problems and is too embarrassed to talk about it. I wish you all the best and hope you can work through it! :flowerforyou:

I wasted 5 years with a guy I wasnt really attracted to that much sexually. I think now that no one should ever under any circumstances be with someone if it is any less than an awsome perfect sexual rewarding relationship. Which is what I have now.

CaptainAmerica1970

perhaps he is angry, perhaps he is resentful from lack of intimate communication? perhaps the perceived balance of power is skewed, perhaps there are other factors like money?

fragilegift

I only read the first page, so forgive me if this was posted before. I found this list - http://thestir.cafemom.com/love_sex/132877/35_brutally_honest_reasons_men - very interesting. These were listed BY MEN.

FlyeredUp

But like I said if its not depression or low T levels (which there is no shame in either one)
out of all my friends over the years that lost interest in having sex with their wife or girlfrien
it was because of one of the following 3 things:
Cheating
addicted to Porn
his partner *****ed or nagged at him sooo much that he could no longer stand to even touch her any longer. Which I dont think is the issue in the OP.'s relationship. In my opinion the OP.'s husband is going to thru exactly what I did not to long ago and is depressed because he currently hates the way he looks and feels.

Well now as an unknowing female I'm very confused because your only 3 things, don't match iamthatdudes only three options. Now what do we do?!!!

I didnt mention 3 things I mentioned 5 things. None of my friends over the years have ever confided in me that they were gay or that they were un able to acheive and erection. But I will tell you this, over 70% of the time, the reason was because they were cheating and the new girl wasnt any better in bed or more attractive etc. it just was that she was new and exciting. But like I said before I think the OP's husband is going thru the same thing I did not to long ago and hates how he looks and feels and cannot stand to look at himself and believes that no one else would want to either and is depressed.

vade43113

Well now as an unknowing female I'm very confused because your only 3 things, don't match iamthatdudes only three options. Now what do we do?!!!

we are going to have to fix the test then

STrooper

Paging down I didn't find this:

Are you attempting to have children? Have you discussed this? Is there baby pressure from prospective grandparents?

Fear of pregnancy can affect both sexes and if you aren't having sex, then the likelihood of getting pregnant is pretty small.

Communication (skills) is obviously a problem. There is something there he just doesn't wish to talk about.

You can pick from the list that others have provided as to the possible worst case scenario. Whatever it is, no matter how large or small an issue, his sense is probably this...it is better to ignore it (and your sex life) because whatever there is to talk about, the talking about is perceived as somehow "worse" or perceived as likely to make things worse then the silence, The silence can actually be prefferable than actually putting the issue out there in the open. That, whether you accept it or not, is a matter of trust and he does not trust you enough to be open and honest with you.

He could just as easily be upset at you (e.g., you've decided to have children, hence the reason I asked the question) so that controlling sex is his only way to control the situation.

When partners are mismatched in sex drives, it can be tough because the one with the lower sex drive most often controls the situation at the expense of the higher sex-drive partner.

MaryBowen27

Well now as an unknowing female I'm very confused because your only 3 things, don't match iamthatdudes only three options. Now what do we do?!!!

we are going to have to fix the test then

Back to the drawing board...

FlyeredUp

Well now as an unknowing female I'm very confused because your only 3 things, don't match iamthatdudes only three options. Now what do we do?!!!

we are going to have to fix the test then

Back to the drawing board...

Hey sorry if your still confused.

MaryBowen27

@flyered. I'm not confused, and you did have more valid points then iamthatdude. I was being facetious. I just find making statements like it MUST be x,y, or z, are ridiculous. Humans are unique, complex creatures and just because certain choices are the COMMON answers, it does not mean they're the ONLY answers.

It doesn't take a penis to know that's a fact.

FlyeredUp

@flyered. I'm not confused, and you did have more valid points then iamthatdude. I was being facetious. I just find making statements like it MUST be x,y, or z, are ridiculous. Humans are unique, complex creatures and just because certain choices are the COMMON answers, it does not mean they're the ONLY answers.

It doesn't take a penis to know that's a fact.

Your right they are not the only answers, It could be one of a million different things. But they are the answers that are correct the majority of the time when it comes to this subject.

MaryBowen27

@flyered. I'm not confused, and you did have more valid points then iamthatdude. I was being facetious. I just find making statements like it MUST be x,y, or z, are ridiculous. Humans are unique, complex creatures and just because certain choices are the COMMON answers, it does not mean they're the ONLY answers.

It doesn't take a penis to know that's a fact.

Your right they are not the only answers, It could be one of a million different things. But they are the answers that are correct the majority of the time when it comes to this subject.

I reason. I agree with you there.

mandag9008

all i can do is try. I actually try and have a conversation with him about it. He jsut shrugs it off.i know he isnt cheating. Also during our work week i dont expect sex. seeing as we are both tired. It would be nice. But on our off days? hell no. nothing. But everyone i have tried talking with him. No im not pushy about it. Ive asked him maybe 3 times since september. I hate being pushy. But when a woman feels like its her fault she or well i, feel ugly! and unattractive. It makes me want to curl up and sleep in a ball. Yes i know it has altered my mood. but i cant help but be sad sometimes. I try to ignor it but come on im human and i need attention. lol

smkafka

We all need attention and when we don't get it from our significant other it hurts and we blame ourselves. You have tried to talk to him about it...you are doing all you can. He needs to open up and let you in. Sex is a hard discussion to have I know I have been trying to have it for years with the same shrug you are getting.

FlyeredUp

all i can do is try. I actually try and have a conversation with him about it. He jsut shrugs it off.i know he isnt cheating. Also during our work week i dont expect sex. seeing as we are both tired. It would be nice. But on our off days? hell no. nothing. But everyone i have tried talking with him. No im not pushy about it. Ive asked him maybe 3 times since september. I hate being pushy. But when a woman feels like its her fault she or well i, feel ugly! and unattractive. It makes me want to curl up and sleep in a ball. Yes i know it has altered my mood. but i cant help but be sad sometimes. I try to ignor it but come on im human and i need attention. lol

Your doing everything a spouse should do in this type situation. ( like I said your being the perfect wife) But at some point you need to put your foot down or make changes.

smkafka

I would like to know how you expect her to put her foot down? With treats and ultimatums? Go out and find it somewhere else? I'm just wondering not trying to offend. I'm stuck in the same situation. Just want to know how you would handle your woman putting her foot down on this?

StevLL

I can think of several physical reasons that would be hard to detect without solid blood work and/or MRI's. Is his pituitary functioning properly? Thyroid? Hypogonadism? A man can have a seriously low libido with everything fuctioning properly if the pituitary is out of whack or has been injured. It's called ESS and It can happen from a head injury or high blood pressure etc.

I would demand that he get checked and then at least you would know it's not that, or of it is it is totally treatable.
Is he depressed, high stress at work, recent tragedy? All can lead to temporary loss of drive.

dpwellman

Men have emotions but tend to deal with them in completely (but somewhat predictable) albeit almost exactly opposite what women do. I'd say it's a symptom of some other issue. What that is, no idea.

Before you both can agree on a solution you have to both agree what the problem is: assuming you BOTH want a happy, fulfilling relationship with each other. If that assumption turns out to be incorrect. . . .

But the fact remains: if I want my life to go better, I have to do something different. If I continue to do what I've always done expecting changes I will live the rest of my life expecting changes that never come. What I mean is: we are all responsible for our own actions. If a stranger walks up to me and spits on my shoe, that's his responsibility. What I do (or son't do) in response is all me.

FlyeredUp

I would like to know how you expect her to put her foot down? With treats and ultimatums? Go out and find it somewhere else? I'm just wondering not trying to offend. I'm stuck in the same situation. Just want to know how you would handle your woman putting her foot down on this?

No tell him what she needs and expects out of their relationship. If he is not willing to meet his end of the bargain than she needs to make a decision. How important is affection and sex from her spouse is, and if she is willing to go without that the rest of her life. ( I wouldnt, but I'm not her) Its better to make that decision at 22 then at 32.

Byrdsong1920

A lot of ideas here...hum...

I'd say pray about it and take it to God. Do you two worship together? Could be spiritual...

Maybe its mental stimulation...not physical. I'd say sit and talk and pray together and ask God to reveal some things in your marriage.

Nothing is too big for God and he brought you two together to be one. You guys can figure it out together.

Good luck!

smkafka

@ Flyered...Good response. I wish I had the guts to change my situation. It can be a lonely relationship.