Am I using him?

paulaGetshealthy

There's this guy who has liked me for a while now, but the feeling isn't mutual. Since he likes me, he is pretty much willing to do anything for me, and I was wondering if what I'm doing is considered "using" him.

I don't use his money or anything like that. It's just that, when none of my friends want to go hiking, or to the river, or to the mall, or wherever, he will drop everything and go with me. I ask him if he wants to come, and I can always count on him saying yes. I have never asked him to pay for anything, or anything like that because I don't want him to think that we're dating (although he sometimes insists on paying.ugh).

So, should I stop doing this? Am I just getting his hopes up?

crisanderson27

There's this guy who has liked me for a while now, but the feeling isn't mutual. Since he likes me, he is pretty much willing to do anything for me, and I was wondering if what I'm doing is considered "using" him.

I don't use his money or anything like that. It's just that, when none of my friends want to go hiking, or to the river, or to the mall, or wherever, he will drop everything and go with me. I ask him if he wants to come, and I can always count on him saying yes. I have never asked him to pay for anything, or anything like that because I don't want him to think that we're dating (although he sometimes insists on paying.ugh).

So, should I stop doing this? Am I just getting his hopes up?

Yes, and yes.

bear_nakey

Well I say if your clear on the notion that you aren't dating, then whats the problem?! But on another note, if you really don't care for him, even as a friend, then thats not cool either....

creature275

There's this guy who has liked me for a while now, but the feeling isn't mutual. Since he likes me, he is pretty much willing to do anything for me, and I was wondering if what I'm doing is considered "using" him.

I don't use his money or anything like that. It's just that, when none of my friends want to go hiking, or to the river, or to the mall, or wherever, he will drop everything and go with me. I ask him if he wants to come, and I can always count on him saying yes. I have never asked him to pay for anything, or anything like that because I don't want him to think that we're dating (although he sometimes insists on paying.ugh).

So, should I stop doing this? Am I just getting his hopes up?

Yes, and yes.

I second him

djhero123

i was in this situation with a girl in sixth grade just tell him that you dont like him and ask if you can be friends

crisanderson27

Well I say if your clear on the notion that you aren't dating, then whats the problem?! But on another note, if you really don't care for him, even as a friend, then thats not cool either....

It doesn't matter how clear she is. She can say it EVERY time they're together...but if she's paying attention to him, he's going to take it as hope. She knows this already. Just her response when she commented about him paying speaks volumes about the situation.

paulaGetshealthy

Well I've told him many times before that I don't like him in any way other than friends, but he doesn't care...

One time he had planned on going with a few of his friends to a club where his friend was DJing for the first time, and he ditched them to hang out with me. I told him we could just hang out another time, but he said it was fine. so...

paulaGetshealthy

Anyway, I see where you guys are coming from. So I should just stop talking to him altogether?

TinaS88

I would be very honest with him and lay it out flat for him. Don't let him think there is a chance if there really isn't. If you value his friendship at all, you would tell him you look at him as only a friend and that's it!

TinaS88

Anyway, I see where you guys are coming from. So I should just stop talking to him altogether?

No, you shouldn't stop if you truly do enjoy spending time with him. But if it is only to keep away boredom then yeah that is wrong, and not a good friend.

militarydreams

There's this guy who has liked me for a while now, but the feeling isn't mutual. Since he likes me, he is pretty much willing to do anything for me, and I was wondering if what I'm doing is considered "using" him.

I don't use his money or anything like that. It's just that, when none of my friends want to go hiking, or to the river, or to the mall, or wherever, he will drop everything and go with me. I ask him if he wants to come, and I can always count on him saying yes. I have never asked him to pay for anything, or anything like that because I don't want him to think that we're dating (although he sometimes insists on paying.ugh).

So, should I stop doing this? Am I just getting his hopes up?

Yes, and yes.

Agreed, let the guy move on already... you wanting some company isn't a decent enough reason.

iam_thatdude

BASED on how women are answering this thread and the OP and women wonder why we treat woment he way we do?

Natx83

Yeah let the guy become a one and only to someone who wants him too!

You should be dead honest with him, if he decides to hang around then it is on is head not your's but it sounds he likes you for sure so you at least owe it too him to set him straight.

paulaGetshealthy

BASED on how women are answering this thread and the OP and women wonder why we treat woment he way we do?

what do you mean? I've let him know I don't like him as more than a friend. I don't tell him to ditch his friends for me; he chooses to. How am I responsible for how he chooses to act/react?

Trail_Addict

There's this guy who has liked me for a while now, but the feeling isn't mutual. Since he likes me, he is pretty much willing to do anything for me, and I was wondering if what I'm doing is considered "using" him.

I don't use his money or anything like that. It's just that, when none of my friends want to go hiking, or to the river, or to the mall, or wherever, he will drop everything and go with me. I ask him if he wants to come, and I can always count on him saying yes. I have never asked him to pay for anything, or anything like that because I don't want him to think that we're dating (although he sometimes insists on paying.ugh).

So, should I stop doing this? Am I just getting his hopes up?

Yes, and yes.

I second him

I'll Third this.

You're using him as your back-up plan when your real friends aren't available, and since he's into you, you're taking advantage of his availability and eagerness.

crisanderson27

Anyway, I see where you guys are coming from. So I should just stop talking to him altogether?

I would say yes hun, sorry.

I would be very honest with him and lay it out flat for him. Don't let him think there is a chance if there really isn't. If you value his friendship at all, you would tell him you look at him as only a friend and that's it!

Trust me, in order to say it enough that it actually sinks in, it'll have to be the only thing she says to him, over and over, forever. He already knows...the problem is, it doesn't matter. He'll just keep torturing himself over it, and in the end, that's never...ever good (for either of them).

To the OP...I just wanted to be clear that I'm not down on you for it at all...I just know where the guys coming from, and where you are as well. This is the kind of thing women usually hate men for when the situation's reversed lol (granted with men it usually involves sex...but it's the same thing).

HorrorChix89

You're leading him on no matter what you say to him. As someone else said, the longer you give him attention the more hope he'll have that you'll come around to liking him.

kurenaikumo

As long as you've been up front with him, he completely understands it's platonic friendship, and he enjoys your company as friends, what's the problem? That said, it sounds like he's unable to accept that, and in that case, if you do care about his feelings, you may want to step back to let him move along.

dpwellman

If he doesn't care, fine.

When in doubt, invoke the "golden rule". Asking the question however, suggests you suspect you're believe you might be doing something wrong.

paulaGetshealthy

For the record, I'm not trying to sound like I'm "all that." I'm really not all that special, but this guy seems to think I am for reasons I can't understand.

Trail_Addict

As long as you've been up front with him, he completely understands it's platonic friendship,

It will never be a platonic relationship if he's into her.

theoriginaljayne

I wouldn't necessarily stop talking to him altogether, but I would certainly stop hanging out with him for a while. He needs some space and time to get over you.

CoryIda

Yes, you're sort of using him - he's your "backup plan" for when something better doesn't pan out.

Yes, you should stop doing it.

No, it doesn't make you a terrible person.

No, you don't necessarily have to stop talking to him altogether if you think you can foster a regular friendship with him, but if his interest is purely romantic and yours is purely platonic, you need to cut ties.

paulaGetshealthy

I think I will just stop inviting him places, unless it's in a group or something. I don't want to hurt the poor boy.

taunto

Have mercy on the guy and let him lose. Tell him that you will NEVER EVER feel that way about him. I hate being on the chain of "maybe in the future". Even if you feel that in the future you might change your mind, for now just tell him that there is no way you'll ever be with him and cut him lose completely. Dont call him unless you want to date him

TrishJimenez

Anyway, I see where you guys are coming from. So I should just stop talking to him altogether?

This is a hard question. What is more cruel to not even be someones friend because you dont feel the same way that they do? See to me that is not fair. But it is also not right to lead someone on. The way I see it is as long as he knows you are looking elsewhere for your relationships but that you truly enjoy his company and like him as a person.

And if sometime he insists on paying for the check then you return the favor another time. That is how I see it.

And who knows what could happen. My husband was totally not my type. But I really enjoyed his company. I continued to date other people and he kept saying we were just friends but we went on group outings a lot and sometimes did things together that we enjoyed and pretty soon we started dating and stopped dating other people. It just happened naturally. So this may be what he is hoping will happen. People can grow on you after awhile.

So you just have to ask yourself. Do you truly enjoy his company? Are you hanging out with him because you like him as a person and you guys have fun together? If yes then I dont see the harm as long as you dont lead him on or flirt with him in any way. But if the answer is no. That you are only spending time with him out of loneliness. Then yes, it is wrong.

crisanderson27

As long as you've been up front with him, he completely understands it's platonic friendship,

It will never be a platonic relationship if he's into her.

This, 100%.

I'll be very honest here...if a girl is attractive, she's got two kinds of friends, women, and men that would definitely at least entertain having sex with her given the opportunity.

Now before you women center the crosshairs lol, there are exceptions of course...male friends who are absolutely insanely in love with their significant others are usually among them...but seriously, I'm not wrong here. Add to that him actually being emotionally attached, and it will never be platonic.

HorrorChix89

BASED on how women are answering this thread and the OP and women wonder why we treat woment he way we do?

Don't judge all women the same way

zombiesama

You should stop, the guy likes you and hopes he'd probably change your mind if he does keep hanging out with you.

taunto

Yes, you're sort of using him - he's your "backup plan" for when something better doesn't pan out.

Yes, you should stop doing it.

No, it doesn't make you a terrible person.

No, you don't necessarily have to stop talking to him altogether if you think you can foster a regular friendship with him, but if his interest is purely romantic and yours is purely platonic, you need to cut ties.

Agree on the first person. The terrible person thing...meh. I guess atleast she realizes that she might be doing something wrong but oh well. But definitely cut yourself off completely. You're torturing the kid everytime he hears your voice and giving him hope and THAT makes you a terrible person if you continue giving him hope

crisanderson27

Anyway, I see where you guys are coming from. So I should just stop talking to him altogether?

This is a hard question. What is more cruel to not even be someones friend because you dont feel the same way that they do? See to me that is not fair. But it is also not right to lead someone on. The way I see it is as long as he knows you are looking elsewhere for your relationships but that you truly enjoy his company and like him as a person.

And if sometime he insists on paying for the check then you return the favor another time. That is how I see it.

And who knows what could happen. My husband was totally not my type. But I really enjoyed his company. I continued to date other people and he kept saying we were just friends but we went on group outings a lot and sometimes did things together that we enjoyed and pretty soon we started dating and stopped dating other people. It just happened naturally. So this may be what he is hoping will happen. People can grow on you after awhile.

So you just have to ask yourself. Do you truly enjoy his company? Are you hanging out with him because you like him as a person and you guys have fun together? If yes then I dont see the harm as long as you dont lead him on or flirt with him in any way. But if the answer is no. That you are only spending time with him out of loneliness. Then yes, it is wrong.

Very intelligent response!

Even so...that's definitely the exception...as I'm sure you're aware.