Am I using him?

paulaGetshealthy

I guess I have to cancel our hiking trip next weekend... oh well. Who wants to go hiking??

juliecat1

heres the thing.... you have some responsibility in this too. Quit using him as backup. If you do ask him to hang out and he tells you he has these really important plans but he will cancel them for you - tell him NO. If he offers to pay - refuse. And for crying out loud ladies.... buying you a car?? heck no.
All my friends are guys and nice guys at that. I see them go through this again and again. I hate this for them but someone needs to stop the cycle. If you know youre doing it - it should be you

kdeaux1959

I would be very honest with him and lay it out flat for him. Don't let him think there is a chance if there really isn't. If you value his friendship at all, you would tell him you look at him as only a friend and that's it!

Personally, I say be honest with him that you really feel that the relationship can never go beyond friends. If he continues to persue this, it is on him. On the other hand, if you know some ladies who may be interested in him, try to get them together... I think as long as you are honest with him, there is value in friends. Obviously from several of your posts, he really is giving you preference. Maybe set up more friend times where you and a group of friends get together.. Minimize the one on one time.

TrishJimenez

My wise Mother once told me "if you have to ask my opinion on the subject, I'm afraid you already know the answer, dear...."

Now that is very true........................

CoryIda

"A woman has a close male friend. This means that he is probably interested in her, which is why he hangs around so much. She sees him strictly as a friend. This always starts out with, you're a great guy, but I don't like you in that way. This is roughly the equivalent for the guy of going to a job interview and the company saying, You have a great resume, you have all the qualifications we are looking for, but we're not going to hire you. We will, however, use your resume as the basis for comparison for all other applicants. But, we're going to hire somebody who is far less qualified and is probably an alcoholic. And if he doesn't work out, we'll hire somebody else, but still not you. In fact, we will never hire you. But we will call you from time to time to complain about the person that we hired."

The "Friend Zone". LOL

Ladies, if you have a guy friend that will have sex with you if you asked him to.... it's not platonic!

Even then man...most of them don't think these guys would.

Do you know how I convinced my ex? I asked her to allow me to send out an email from her account, to ten past random male friends (of HER choosing!), complaining about me, and just BARELY hinting that she had past interest in them and might be interested in pursuing it.

Know how many bit?

Ten.

I have *at least* one straight male friend who has stated that they think I am an attractive woman and has heard complaints about my ex and he has not "bitten" (which is good, but I'm just making a point).

So I would say this is probably more of a 90% thing instead of an absolute, unless they were just being nice about saying they think I'm attractive.

Trail_Addict

"A woman has a close male friend. This means that he is probably interested in her, which is why he hangs around so much. She sees him strictly as a friend. This always starts out with, you're a great guy, but I don't like you in that way. This is roughly the equivalent for the guy of going to a job interview and the company saying, You have a great resume, you have all the qualifications we are looking for, but we're not going to hire you. We will, however, use your resume as the basis for comparison for all other applicants. But, we're going to hire somebody who is far less qualified and is probably an alcoholic. And if he doesn't work out, we'll hire somebody else, but still not you. In fact, we will never hire you. But we will call you from time to time to complain about the person that we hired."

The "Friend Zone". LOL

Ladies, if you have a guy friend that will have sex with you if you asked him to.... it's not platonic!

Even then man...most of them don't think these guys would.

Do you know how I convinced my ex? I asked her to allow me to send out an email from her account, to ten past random male friends (of HER choosing!), complaining about me, and just BARELY hinting that she had past interest in them and might be interested in pursuing it.

Know how many bit?

Ten.

A pretty neat video about "Can men and women just be friends?"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T_lh5fR4DMA

paulaGetshealthy

but not too proud to string this poor sap on when he could get on with his life and meet a woman who wont use his time and money? Classy the chick using the sugar daddy has more morals.

Someone has really hurt you, huh?

sofitheteacup

Yes, you should stop. Even when the words are clear, sometimes the thought just doesn't get through and in all honesty actions speak louder than words- so saying you aren't looking for anything serious but then spending time with him, with your friends, and having fun with him, sends a complicated message. Just don't do it.

iam_thatdude

but not too proud to string this poor sap on when he could get on with his life and meet a woman who wont use his time and money? Classy the chick using the sugar daddy has more morals.

Someone has really hurt you, huh?

actually no, ive been with the woman of my dreams for 21 years...but ive seen too many friends go down this road and the woman rationalizes that she told him shes not interested. To a guy you send mized signals. Cut the poor guy loose.

FlyeredUp

I guess I have to cancel our hiking trip next weekend... oh well. Who wants to go hiking??

No you dont have to cancel if you enjoy his friendship, Just make it a point to let him know that you are not interested in him in any way than just being friends. If he still wants to continue being friends great, if not, that fine aswell. Your not using him if your not leading him on.

HorrorChix89

I'm a little too proud to ever have a sugar daddy lol

but not too proud to string this poor sap on when he could get on with his life and meet a woman who wont use his time and money? Classy the chick using the sugar daddy has more morals.

^^^This

At least with a sugar daddy they know they're being used...unless I missed the point in this post

royalty_mind_1me

Well I say if your clear on the notion that you aren't dating, then whats the problem?! But on another note, if you really don't care for him, even as a friend, then thats not cool either....

It doesn't matter how clear she is. She can say it EVERY time they're together...but if she's paying attention to him, he's going to take it as hope. She knows this already. Just her response when she commented about him paying speaks volumes about the situation.

I TOTALLY AGREE @CHRISANDERSON! I happen to have a male friend (strictly), and he adores everything about me. I am not interested either and he will be there for anything I need too. I finally cut everything off from him and I tried telling him but it got to the point where I am disgusted being around him.

**Please leave the man alone, so he can move on! he is getting mixed signals no matter how you look at it, and being in your shoes I know 1st hand! I am sure your sweet about it but actions are stronger hun


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SergeantSunshine_reused

There's this guy who has liked me for a while now, but the feeling isn't mutual. Since he likes me, he is pretty much willing to do anything for me, and I was wondering if what I'm doing is considered "using" him.

I don't use his money or anything like that. It's just that, when none of my friends want to go hiking, or to the river, or to the mall, or wherever, he will drop everything and go with me. I ask him if he wants to come, and I can always count on him saying yes. I have never asked him to pay for anything, or anything like that because I don't want him to think that we're dating (although he sometimes insists on paying.ugh).

So, should I stop doing this? Am I just getting his hopes up?

Yes, and yes.

I second him

I'll Third this.

You're using him as your back-up plan when your real friends aren't available, and since he's into you, you're taking advantage of his availability and eagerness.

I agree with all of the above ^^

Brandicaloriecountess

If you have to ask you probably already know the answer

TheFunBun

...Maybe you boys should stop hanging around girls who have blatantly said they're only interested in using you as platonic filler. I'd say it's less her using him and more him being a dork.

Seriously. If you can't step away after you've been friendzoned....

Ugh.

That aside, the -nice- thing to do would be to tell him no and stop calling him. Kind of like the nice thing to do is to return someone's iPhone after they leave it in a cab. Yes, they're an idiot for leaving their iPhone in a cab.. but you know.

crisanderson27

"A woman has a close male friend. This means that he is probably interested in her, which is why he hangs around so much. She sees him strictly as a friend. This always starts out with, you're a great guy, but I don't like you in that way. This is roughly the equivalent for the guy of going to a job interview and the company saying, You have a great resume, you have all the qualifications we are looking for, but we're not going to hire you. We will, however, use your resume as the basis for comparison for all other applicants. But, we're going to hire somebody who is far less qualified and is probably an alcoholic. And if he doesn't work out, we'll hire somebody else, but still not you. In fact, we will never hire you. But we will call you from time to time to complain about the person that we hired."

The "Friend Zone". LOL

Ladies, if you have a guy friend that will have sex with you if you asked him to.... it's not platonic!

Even then man...most of them don't think these guys would.

Do you know how I convinced my ex? I asked her to allow me to send out an email from her account, to ten past random male friends (of HER choosing!), complaining about me, and just BARELY hinting that she had past interest in them and might be interested in pursuing it.

Know how many bit?

Ten.

I have *at least* one straight male friend who has stated that they think I am an attractive woman and has heard complaints about my ex and he has not "bitten" (which is good, but I'm just making a point).

So I would say this is probably more of a 90% thing instead of an absolute, unless they were just being nice about saying they think I'm attractive.

Ahh...but Cory! Did you show a hint of interest in him at the same time?

I'll meet you at 95% though =D.

but not too proud to string this poor sap on when he could get on with his life and meet a woman who wont use his time and money? Classy the chick using the sugar daddy has more morals.

Someone has really hurt you, huh?

Likely someone doing exactly what you're doing.

Something to think about there.

paulaGetshealthy

I'm sure he would be happy to know you're all on his side

meshashesha2012

would you be OK if someone treated you like that?

if yes then keep at it. if no then why continue to be a douche?

CoryIda

"A woman has a close male friend. This means that he is probably interested in her, which is why he hangs around so much. She sees him strictly as a friend. This always starts out with, you're a great guy, but I don't like you in that way. This is roughly the equivalent for the guy of going to a job interview and the company saying, You have a great resume, you have all the qualifications we are looking for, but we're not going to hire you. We will, however, use your resume as the basis for comparison for all other applicants. But, we're going to hire somebody who is far less qualified and is probably an alcoholic. And if he doesn't work out, we'll hire somebody else, but still not you. In fact, we will never hire you. But we will call you from time to time to complain about the person that we hired."

The "Friend Zone". LOL

Ladies, if you have a guy friend that will have sex with you if you asked him to.... it's not platonic!

Even then man...most of them don't think these guys would.

Do you know how I convinced my ex? I asked her to allow me to send out an email from her account, to ten past random male friends (of HER choosing!), complaining about me, and just BARELY hinting that she had past interest in them and might be interested in pursuing it.

Know how many bit?

Ten.

I have *at least* one straight male friend who has stated that they think I am an attractive woman and has heard complaints about my ex and he has not "bitten" (which is good, but I'm just making a point).

So I would say this is probably more of a 90% thing instead of an absolute, unless they were just being nice about saying they think I'm attractive.

Ahh...but Cory! Did you show a hint of interest in him at the same time?

I'll meet you at 95% though =D.

I have no idea - maybe? I wouldn't know how to express interest if it hit me in the face, nor would I recognize it unless it was spelled out for me.

I'm sticking to the 90%

HorrorChix89

Did you think we'd all be on your side 100%?

AssembledIncorrectly

I had more then a couple of these in my lifetime...the last one was real needy..he even bought me a car in hopes to "change my mind" Needless to say I still have the car and he's history....OH and after me he met another girl and bought her a big pair of boobs..So I don't see it as taking advantage I think he was just being nice...lol

Should have kept him around longer and got the boobs!!
[/

I dont need the boobs

crisanderson27

I'm sure he would be happy to know you're all on his side

Actually, we're on the side of poor, hung up, trampled men the world over!

More seriously...you asked, and I think this is just your way of setting yourself up to do the right thing. I've got faith in you =D.

taunto

I'm sure he would be happy to know you're all on his side

in 2003 I had one of the worst news in my life of my mother passing away, The second worst news of my life was when I found out somebody I loved and she didnt loved me back got married. It was only about a month ago and it crushed me. It literally CRUSHED ME.

Why do you think we're taking a side. I mean would you be saying something similar if we agreed with you? As a man who've been hurt and have put a girl on a friendzone in the past (not proud of it) and had a booty call deal (not proud of that either) I can definitely tell you that its not a pretty situation. My friend was atleast nice enough to cut me off but let me tell you, there will always be a spot in us for that person.

paulaGetshealthy

would you be OK if someone treated you like that?

if yes then keep at it. if no then why continue to be a douche?

Uh, how am I a douche?? I wasn't thinking, "oh, I'll do this to string him along." That was never my intention, I was simply hanging out with him.

katmix

edited

Fit4Evolution

I'm sure he would be happy to know you're all on his side

its not that we are on sides.. you need to realize he is hopeing for more and you are not even considering him or his feelings , only what you want and need

CoryIda

I'm sure he would be happy to know you're all on his side

Actually, we're on the side of poor, hung up, trampled men the world over!

More seriously...you asked, and I think this is just your way of setting yourself up to do the right thing. I've got faith in you =D.

Dammit, why do some men have to be SMART?

It totally messes up the stereotype we have of them as clueless and insensitive.

Dimplybutt

Did you think we'd all be on your side 100%?

I think that was pretty much the point behind this post ... hoping people will say it's okay so she doesn't have to actually feel bad for using him and then she could continue the behaviour with a clear conscience.

SergeantSunshine_reused

O.o I don't think you are a terrible person! Not all girls realize that guys do this i think. Gotta be told and she took it great

I wanna go hiking

paulaGetshealthy

Did you think we'd all be on your side 100%?

I didn't mean to seem as if everyone is attacking me. I mean, it makes sense. I understand what you guys are saying.