Stay at home parents- (kind of long)

MissTattoo

But if you work and send your child to daycare you are judged because someone else is "raising" your child. If you're a stay at home mom you're selfish and lazy. Everyone loses. Do what makes you happiest and what you think is best for your family.

^This!

I was a SAHM for a year. I lived off of my savings and budgeted wisely. I was happy to be home the first year. After that, I needed to work. I needed money. I needed adult interaction. I needed to feel like I was dependent. It wasn't like I was rich and could live life on my savings account. I hate people who say, "Well I didn't have children for them to be raised by someone else." I just want to be like STFU you pretentious *kitten*. But I don't.

Everyone has to make a choice on what's best for them. Sure! I could stay home and live off of welfare but hey! I'm staying home right?! Since I don't want to live off of the state, I'm working.

taylmarie

From a personal standpoint I would love to be a stay at home parent.....Spending every day with my kids and watching them grow........From a social aspect I am 100% sure that our kids going to daycare has been great for them and there are no regrets. I know I am generalizing but most kids with SAH parents are not as well socialized (there are exceptions I said most). Also recently we did kindergarten registration recently and of the sampling that we heard while we were there the kids not enrolled in school scored significantly lower than those in school.

All that said what is your overall goal? Do you want to keep them home and home school them forever or will they go to public schools at 5? If public schools what is so different about years 1-5 as 5-18?

Again....Just my opinions and they obviously differ from most posting in here......

Great points. My son is 5 and started at Montessori School when he turned 2. School and education is extremely important and for me home school is not an option. I also think pre-school is key. The educational portion of my sons day ends at 3pm and they have after school care until 6pm if needed. For me, the option of being an at home parent will not mean keeping children home until school age. It will mean making sure I am readily available for dinner, homework time, extra-curriculars, school breaks, summer off etc. Truly, I never considered "staying home". The reality of the demands of my husbands future career are setting in and I am feeling adjustments will need to be made. Education, social activities and the like will always be a priority.

taylmarie

Just remember that whatever your choice, it doesn't have to be forever. I have lots of friends who have gone onto second careers after being moms at home, have jumped back into their original careers, have gone to school again for something totally different, whatever. IMHO, staying home with the kids if financially possible (and we do it and yes, it's painful sometimes from a financial standpoint) is best.

True. I am certain I will decide to stay home for a few years, def when we get pregnant again. Nothing is permanent

Jenner22

I'm lucky to be a stay at home mom. I wouldn't change it for the world. I know that being a stay at home parent isn't the right choice for many but for me it's great. I get the itch about twice a year to go out and get a real job but I never do.. due to our circumstances. It's really what you want to do. I know a lot of kids that benefit from going to a day care. If you don't want to be "stuck" and wait out seven years for your husband's schedule to slow down then I suggest you don't. Always remember this.. you can give it a try and if you feel that you want to work and get your masters you can always change your mind and set up something for your son

taylmarie

It is a VERY tough decision! I have just let my company know I won't be returning and it was really hard for me to do. On the one hand, you want what is best for your children and to know they are being looked after and getting the best life possible. On the other hand, you have worked so hard to get where you want career wise!

What made it for me was my parents. I don't want to scare you, please don't think that this is how all families are but unfortunately both my parents had to work and I, and my siblings, got up to all kinds of mischief after school etc. because we were unsupervised or with someone who had no say in what we did. It is not my parents fault, they gave us the best life they could but I can't help but think how things would have been different had one of them been at home!

The other thing about financial freedom was the biggest thing for me. In the end, we decided to each have spending money for the month, whatever is best for you, so for example you both get £100 for whatever you want like downloading movies or songs of iTunes, buying clothes, CDs etc. etc. that way I don't feel like I have to keep asking him every time I want to spend money. That also helps our relationship because he has the same amount and, while he NEVER would say this, he can't spend more money and then say he earns it so he can use it.

At the end of the day though, it is entirely based on your circumstances. This works for us for the time being but in a few years when my little one is in nursery or whatever, I may want to return to work even if it is part time.

Good luck with it and always remember that communication is key! If something is not working, you must talk to your partner about it as it can get tough from both parts. The stay at home parent may feel neglected because the working partner is away all day or all night and then might want to go out for drinks after work with a colleague even though you never get a break with the baby and the working partner might feel that the house is dirty or the dinner isn't made and don't understand what you do all day because they've never had to look after the baby 24/7

Sorry for the essay lol - good luck with it xx

Thanks for your response, I may have gotten into some mischief myself It is def a tough choice! My husband and I touched on some of the points you mentioned. We agreed that we will consolidate all of our accounts when he starts working whether I still have a career or not. We currently have some joint and separate accounts. Consolidating will mean I do not need to ask for spending money and we agree that the money is for the household, not the earning individual.

taylmarie

Well, my husband and I are both full time workers. It works well for us and we are lucky because he leaves pretty early and is home as soon as the kids get home most of the time. I am here in the morning before they leave and home pretty quickly after they are. I am a teacher, so I am home during the summer months, if we have snow days, Christmas and other breaks. Unfortunately, I am not in the same district and have to drive 20 min. each way but I am still here fairly soon.

When my first was little, I worked nights so one of us was with him all the time. It didn't stay that way though and I wish we had been able to always work it out that way, but I went to school to finish my degree and feel that if I have to work out of the home, teaching is the best profession to have as a mom. My principal is extremely understanding if my kids are sick and I have to leave, and I love what I do, so....

Would I have preferred to stay home year round, yep, but wasn't feasible for us. Good luck!

I know teaching isn't for everyone, but as a parent I can't imagine a better career as far as hours are concerned!

taylmarie

I always find it kind of odd the question of to work or not to work. I asume you have a decent paying job or someone to watch your son for free. I have taken care of my stepson since he was 3 and worked up untill he was almost 7 when I had my other son. I worked from home though so it was a lot different. Me and my hubby decided that I would not work after I had my other son becasue its not finacialy reasonable. Daycare is expensive!! I am still going to college ( im 21) and any job I could get at this point would only cover childcare cost and gas to get to work. So there is no way I was going to work to have someone else watch my kid. I recently read an article about this that it cost more for moms to work than to stay home.

That being said I still think its most important to be home for your kids. My mom used to work for my grandpa and she was alwasy home or I was at work with her. Then she had to get another job, the "freedom" i felt was unreal and i went buck wild and did a lot of things I regret that I know I wouldnt have had teh oportunity to do if she was there. I think that your kids would be best served if someone was there with them. The years go by FAST. a job can come and go, your kids are forever.

as for finances as a dr it doesnt seem like yall will have an issue, but for us my husband works a rather medocre job as h is still in school to, and God always provides some way or another.

Daycare is very expensive! Our son started pre-school when he was 2. He is 5 now and still attends the same school at the rate of $450 monthly. Cost of living in California is expensive and as my husband is a student racking up 6 figures in student loans, we have sacrificed in other areas to pay for our sons education. I have heard before that it costs more for some families to have 2 working parents than for one to stay home. I think parents make the right choice for their family, no right, no wrong.

taylmarie

I have been a SAHM for the past 9 years. Our kids are 8 and 5. We refused to put our kids in day care. We cut out every possible extra expense so I could stay at home with them. This fall my son will be in kindergarten and I will try to find a job that allows me to have time to take them to school and pick them up on time. If I cant find one then I will continue to be a SAHM but will always be looking for something that will work around my schedule. Luckily my hubs is a mechanic so as far as vehicles go, we will never have a problem. I drive a 92 Chevy Beretta (2nd owner) that just rolled over 200K miles and runs like its new!

I hope you are able to find a job that suits your needs. I think that is the concern. There are not a lot of jobs that align with children's school schedules. Certainly when it pertains to school holidays and summer breaks. For us, we did choose pre-school at a fairly young age for our son, but since I worked his days were much longer than I would have liked to start. He is doing well though, so I have no regrets there. Good luck in your search!

taylmarie

I have all the opportunity in the world to do career stuff once they are in school full time. I would reccomend a good support system, and play groups... You really do not realize how much you miss adult interaction until you are talking to a baby for most of your waking hours LOL I

Ha! Noted!

cufirst84

I stayed home with our 2 boys for the first 8yrs...and i wouldnt have changed it for anything. I couldn't picture myself listening to a babysitter or daycare telling me what great milestone my child had reached and i missed it by punching the clock! My husband and i figured ways out on one income... just dont live beyond your needs !!!! For the most part we did pretty good, we moved into a larger home added 2 dogs, had some reno's done on the house & traded in our trucks to up grade.
Your Certification or diploma will always be there to recert or upgrade in the future....but your child will grow up and those years will pass so fast right under your nose.

missym357

This was a really hard one for me as I was very education/career focused and then got pregnant unexpectedly. I got accepted to vet school (something I had worked hard for) when my son was 3 months old. I ultimately let it go. Having children changes everything. I will admit I was a little mad at the world because the message I had gotten was that I could do anything I set my mind to but then I faced a harsh reality that I could not actually do it all- not at the same time at least. Some women can have it all, all at once, but I learned that I am not one of those women. There is a price to be paid and the answer lies in how important all of the different pulls in life are to you. I don't mean that to say that my answer was the right one for everyone, it was the right one for me though.

The negative side? It puts a person in a vulnerable position to not be gaining work experience. That is a very real issue and one that is not to be taken lightly.

taylmarie

I stayed home with our 2 boys for the first 8yrs...and i wouldnt have changed it for anything. I couldn't picture myself listening to a babysitter or daycare telling me what great milestone my child had reached and i missed it by punching the clock! My husband and i figured ways out on one income... just dont live beyond your needs !!!! For the most part we did pretty good, we moved into a larger home added 2 dogs, had some reno's done on the house & traded in our trucks to up grade.
Your Certification or diploma will always be there to recert or upgrade in the future....but your child will grow up and those years will pass so fast right under your nose.

It's true, goes so fast! And if I decide to stay home, I can further my education/career later!

taylmarie

Awesome responses, thank you! Everyone has valid points. I don't think there is a right or wrong answer, each family/parent decides what will be best for them. I am really happy to read all the input here, some great food for thought.

Time will tell! I know I will be working for at the very least the next 2 years so there is plenty of time to decide. Before a week ago, I never even imagined considering staying home; I always pictured an office with a view

Jacwhite22

Damn...that's not so bad...we pay 450/week for two

I always find it kind of odd the question of to work or not to work. I asume you have a decent paying job or someone to watch your son for free. I have taken care of my stepson since he was 3 and worked up untill he was almost 7 when I had my other son. I worked from home though so it was a lot different. Me and my hubby decided that I would not work after I had my other son becasue its not finacialy reasonable. Daycare is expensive!! I am still going to college ( im 21) and any job I could get at this point would only cover childcare cost and gas to get to work. So there is no way I was going to work to have someone else watch my kid. I recently read an article about this that it cost more for moms to work than to stay home.

That being said I still think its most important to be home for your kids. My mom used to work for my grandpa and she was alwasy home or I was at work with her. Then she had to get another job, the "freedom" i felt was unreal and i went buck wild and did a lot of things I regret that I know I wouldnt have had teh oportunity to do if she was there. I think that your kids would be best served if someone was there with them. The years go by FAST. a job can come and go, your kids are forever.

as for finances as a dr it doesnt seem like yall will have an issue, but for us my husband works a rather medocre job as h is still in school to, and God always provides some way or another.

Daycare is very expensive! Our son started pre-school when he was 2. He is 5 now and still attends the same school at the rate of $450 monthly. Cost of living in California is expensive and as my husband is a student racking up 6 figures in student loans, we have sacrificed in other areas to pay for our sons education. I have heard before that it costs more for some families to have 2 working parents than for one to stay home. I think parents make the right choice for their family, no right, no wrong.

JanetLM73

I've done both, I'm a SAHM right now because I lost my job and I go to school part time. It's great right now because my daughter is 5 and only goes to school for 2.5 hours a day. My son is 13 so he's in full time, but once my daughter starts full time in september I'm going to look for something. I miss the interaction with adults.

You have to decide what's best for your family. But to be honest, I love spending the time one on one with my daughter, I know she loves it as well.

taylmarie

This was a really hard one for me as I was very education/career focused and then got pregnant unexpectedly. I got accepted to vet school (something I had worked hard for) when my son was 3 months old. I ultimately let it go. Having children changes everything. I will admit I was a little mad at the world because the message I had gotten was that I could do anything I set my mind to but then I faced a harsh reality that I could not actually do it all- not at the same time at least. Some women can have it all, all at once, but I learned that I am not one of those women. There is a price to be paid and the answer lies in how important all of the different pulls in life are to you. I don't mean that to say that my answer was the right one for everyone, it was the right one for me though.

The negative side? It puts a person in a vulnerable position to not be gaining work experience. That is a very real issue and one that is not to be taken lightly.

Very well put. I agree that parents who decide to stay home can be put in a compromising position if they ever decide to return to the workforce. My aunt experienced this when her girls went off to college, she simply could not find a well paying or rewarding job. Having children does change everything. I enjoy working and parenting right now but I am not sure I will feel the same when my husbands availability is limited by his career. I have also worked hard on my education and career, admittedly, it seems a bit scary to walk away from it.

ccckwalk

It is a hard question for every couple. I am a stay at home mom with a Bachelor's degree. I have been a stay at home mom for 6 years now. Our oldest is 6 and we have a two year old. I am currently going back to school. My goal is to be finished by the time my youngest is in Kindergarten. I am not going to lie and say it has been easy peasy, there have been times of hardship, but money is not everything and kids only grow up once. Everyone has to make their own minds, but I say go for your masters, when you get pregnant that doesn't mean you have to stop schooling. My kids get to see me work hard for what I want and be a momma which isn't easy all the time but every sacrifice I have made for my family has been worth every penny!
Good luck!! You guys will decided which is best for you!!!
~Corina

charlybu

Stay at home! It's really hard at first. I remember waiting for my husband to come home like a puppy waiting for it's walk. Let me out! Lol! It takes some major adjustments for both you and your husband, but it's worth it. It took me about 2 years to really be comfortable with it. I also homeschool and we love it. The Master's degree will always be there and you'll have plenty of time after the kids grow up. You have to learn how to say no when you stay at home, but that's not actually a bad thing. Your kids will thank you for it.

smte

I am a SAHM and have been for the last 8 yrs. I had a degree, had a good job, ect. Even before we had children, my husband and I agreed that I would work part time. I figured this was the best of both worlds! After my daughter was born, I went back to work part-time after my maternity leave. I was fortunate enough to have my sister watch my baby, I would've never been able to put in her daycare. It was still so hard. I hated calling my sister during the day to see how my baby was - that should be my job, taking care of my own child. After 3 months of part time work, I quit and have stayed home ever since. I feel that work and/or career will always be there, but your child growing up & their milestones will not.

I am lucky enough to do some work from home which brings in a little bit of income. My husband and never made me feel like it's his money, it's ours. Some days are rough and I'm exhausted by the end of the day (I three daughters & a baby on the way), but I wouldnt change it for the world. My mom stayed home w/ me and my siblings & I always felt so lucky. Even something like being sick at school, I knew my mom was at home and could come get me from the nurses office. Other kids were not so lucky.

Good luck w/ your decision, it can be a tough one.

iam_thatdude

I know im gonna get flamed on this, BUT....its funny to me how many moms say that once the kids get into school they wan tto get a job so "they have something for me"....as a man that just seems ridiculous. Id love to have a job thats for me, but unfortunately I have a job that pays bills.

I know (I hope) you all mean it differently, but just giving you the insight of most men (at the Men Meeting of 2011 held in Vegas, I was voted to speak for all men)

taylmarie

Damn...that's not so bad...we pay 450/week for two

Geeze! For Kindergarten you said right?? So far we are thrilled with our sons education. He turned 5 in November and is at a "1st grade readiness" level of learning. We started him young. However, if we weren't happy with his education I would probably be willing to take out a second mortgage lol. You are paying a year of college tuition. Did you ever imagine your your children's education costing so much? I do think it is so important though and well worth it.

Rosa1213

Well, my mother was a stay-at-home-mom until both my brother and I were in school (kindergarten), and then she went back to work. She'd get off work, come pick us up at school, and we'd all go about our business.

It seems to have worked out well for her, because obviously she loves us, but also wanted to further her career.

I think about it like this: You can only have kids during a short period in your life (~15 years), but you can continue going to school and advancing your career at any point.

I guess my point is:
Going to university can be postponed 4 or 5 years. Being 30 years old cannot.

mfp_junkie

My wife and I decided before our son was born almost 12 years ago, that we would only have kids if my wife could stay home. We have structured our expenses, including the house we bought, cars we drive, vacations we take, to ensure we can do it on just my salary. I have been very fortunate to have a well paying job the past several years, but there are still sacrifices, for sure.

Today, my wife picked up my son at school for lunch, and they went out together. She does that every last Wednesday of the month, a tradition that I think is absolutely awesome, and one he will remember as time he got to spend with Mom.

No question on money - it's all ours. One bank account, discussions about any purchase beyond gas and groceries, and equal consideration for setting financial priorities. We have never had a disagreement about money.

If you can swing it, stay at home with your kids. They will never forget.

taylmarie

I know im gonna get flamed on this, BUT....its funny to me how many moms say that once the kids get into school they wan tto get a job so "they have something for me"....as a man that just seems ridiculous. Id love to have a job thats for me, but unfortunately I have a job that pays bills.

I know (I hope) you all mean it differently, but just giving you the insight of most men (at the Men Meeting of 2011 held in Vegas, I was voted to speak for all men)

Nah, you wont get flamed. Not by me anyways. I can def see your point, we work to earn money and if we all had trust funds, lets face it, we prob wouldn't work (unless the stipulations of our trust funds said we had to!)

I think the point (and I have a feeling that you know this) is that women don't want to feel as though their intellect and ambition as a person other than a mother and wife is "wasted". I don't think it has to come from a job, but it is important to maintain a sense of self.

I have not been voted on to speak for all women but I think this is what is meant (I don't know because I currently have a career, so I don't know the feeling, yet).

taylmarie

My wife and I decided before our son was born almost 12 years ago, that we would only have kids if my wife could stay home. We have structured our expenses, including the house we bought, cars we drive, vacations we take, to ensure we can do it on just my salary. I have been very fortunate to have a well paying job the past several years, but there are still sacrifices, for sure.

Today, my wife picked up my son at school for lunch, and they went out together. She does that every last Wednesday of the month, a tradition that I think is absolutely awesome, and one he will remember as time he got to spend with Mom.

No question on money - it's all ours. One bank account, discussions about any purchase beyond gas and groceries, and equal consideration for setting financial priorities. We have never had a disagreement about money.

If you can swing it, stay at home with your kids. They will never forget.

I love their Wednesday lunch tradition! So awesome. Thanks for your response. I will say that even though my mom worked, the special things she did with just me when she could are what I remember.

ki4yxo

Another stay at home Dad here. We decided that one of us
would stay home with our son when my wife got pregnant.


Before she had our son, she got her license (RN/BSN) then
went on to become the bread winner. Up until that point, I made
the money, had us fully covered with medical and dental. We
have always said that the money in the bank was ours, so no
problems there. I still manage fit side jobs in here and there.

I home school our son, and have him on the same schedule
as the other kids in the neighborhood. Our son is seven now,
and my wife is due with another boy in September. I've done
most of the diaper changes, and it sucks when they have a
blow out. I've literally had to cut him out of a onesie to keep
it from getting all over him, and me!

It would be nice to have a bigger house, and nicer vehicles
(except the Jeep!) but we manage to make things happen.
Instead of staying in fancy hotels, we go camping.


I have to hand it to all the SAHMs on here! I know how overwhelming
things can get at home! :drinker:

iam_thatdude

I know im gonna get flamed on this, BUT....its funny to me how many moms say that once the kids get into school they wan tto get a job so "they have something for me"....as a man that just seems ridiculous. Id love to have a job thats for me, but unfortunately I have a job that pays bills.

I know (I hope) you all mean it differently, but just giving you the insight of most men (at the Men Meeting of 2011 held in Vegas, I was voted to speak for all men)

Nah, you wont get flamed. Not by me anyways. I can def see your point, we work to earn money and if we all had trust funds, lets face it, we prob wouldn't work (unless the stipulations of our trust funds said we had to!)

I think the point (and I have a feeling that you know this) is that women don't want to feel as though their intellect and ambition as a person other than a mother and wife is "wasted". I don't think it has to come from a job, but it is important to maintain a sense of self.

I have not been voted on to speak for all women but I think this is what is meant (I don't know because I currently have a career, so I don't know the feeling, yet).

I appreciate your nuanced response. I think the problem us men have is that women think of the job as something for "them"...I wish we had that luxury.

Also, why does a woman have to feel that their knowledge and intellect is being wasted at home? SAHM are the CFO, CTO and COO rolled into one.

ishallnotwant

Wow, thank you so much for your responses!!

As a female member of "Generation Y" I have always felt the pressure to do everything and do it successfully; education, career, marriage and parenting. In my personal life, I know very few woman my age who stay home with their children.

Even though both my parents worked, my dad had more flexible hours and I always loved that he was home for dinner and would be at my sporting events. My mom did when she could, but she worked later hours and I missed her. I do not resent her though, she regrets her limited time but I am proud of her achievements. In my heart, I know I want to be present for my family or I may regret it too. I do not think there is a wrong way, we are all products of our experiences. My mom's mom stayed home and my mom probably thought, "hey, I want more!".

I would consider myself a success at parenting. We sacrifice financially so that I can stay home with the kids. Exactly what part of that is unsuccessful?

We can't have it all. You can't work 60 hours a week and expect to be there for your child as well. Make your choice. Something will always suffer, you are only one person. I think the worst thing "feminism" ever did was devalue the role of being a mother.

I agree with this so, so much. I wish I could use words to actually put into writing how I felt when reading this. Truer words were never spoken.

Rosa1213

This was a really hard one for me as I was very education/career focused and then got pregnant unexpectedly. I got accepted to vet school (something I had worked hard for) when my son was 3 months old. I ultimately let it go. Having children changes everything. I will admit I was a little mad at the world because the message I had gotten was that I could do anything I set my mind to but then I faced a harsh reality that I could not actually do it all- not at the same time at least. Some women can have it all, all at once, but I learned that I am not one of those women. There is a price to be paid and the answer lies in how important all of the different pulls in life are to you. I don't mean that to say that my answer was the right one for everyone, it was the right one for me though.

The negative side? It puts a person in a vulnerable position to not be gaining work experience. That is a very real issue and one that is not to be taken lightly.

Oh man, that sounds like a difficult situation you were in..
I hope to go to vet school someday, and I think that if anything were to take that away from me, I'd be devastated.

hazelsmrf

We have 1 year of maternity leave here so I stayed home for the first year of my daughter's life, and then I returned to work. A few years later I had my son, and again had a year of maternity leave. At the end of THAT, we decided that I would stay home. There were several factors in our decision... my shifts at work were rotating shifts (days, evenings, nights, weekends...) and it was getting more and more difficult to do that with small children. Also, daycare, picking hte kids up, dropping them off etc... it was difficult when I couldn't be there all the time and he'd sometimes have to work late.

So I stayed home. And it's been difficult... I love my children but I think I'm one of those who isn't the greatest stay at home mom. I am not the most patient with them, and sometimes I need to just shove them in front of the TV for my own sanity. Thankfully they love Dora :P I now work from home AND am a stay at home mother, which is difficult, but at least I enjoy having my own career path again... this time in graphic design. It's something I never would have tried if I hadn't let go of my previous position to stay home, and that's been great... I'm almost up to a full time salary for working part time hours at home, so I'm happy! But I am still debating putting my son into daycare a few days a week next year after my daughter starts Kindergarten.

As for money, I now contribute to our finances but before then, I didn't feel weird at ALL having my husband be the sole provider. I handled the budget, I told him what he could spend, I paid each of us a small "allowance" to spend on junk and the rest went where it needed to go. He had a job, and I had a job (to watch our children!). It was always family money. It's still all family money. We still decide together before making large purchases.