Stay at home parents- (kind of long)

taylmarie

Doing some soul searching about the future. Those of you who are stay at home parents, how do you feel about it? If you are not a stay at home parent, but could be, would you?

We have a son who is 5 and we are hoping to have another child in the future. I have a degree and a career and have been considering going for my Masters Degree for awhile. My parents both worked and I appreciate how hard they worked. However, my mom worked long hours and I really missed having her around and she has some regrets about how career focused she was.

My husband and I have discussed how we think it is sad that in this economy, some families who would like to have one parent at home simply do not have the choice. In most cases, two incomes are needed.

My husband is in med school and he still has about 7 years before he will be a doctor, he starts clinical rotations in June. He will make good money but depending on his specialty, could work crazy hours. I want to ensure one of us will be there for our son or future children. So now I am torn. Do I go back for a Masters and continue my career path? Or do I stick with my current career for the next 7 years and then plan to be a homemaker? So hard to decide!!

I know I am lucky to have the option, I don't take it for granted. And I know everyone has different opinions on this sort of thing. I am just curious if people have been in my shoes or have experiences to share about being a "stay at home" parent or the spouse of one.

Does it feel strange if you don't make your own money? What about when you need a new car?? I am financially responsible so I don't think we would have arguments about spending etc. but I feel like it would feel strange to be entirely financially dependent on someone.

I know this is a long post. I have been thinking long and hard and thought it might be nice to get some thoughts/opinions.

Thanks in advance for any input!

mrandolph69

My opinion (and for all those who might want to criticize me for it, remember it is just my opinion) is that a child is best served by having one parent stay home with them. I was raised in such a family, reaped the benefits of it and really wanted that for my son. My wife has agreed to make the sacrifice and I thank her ever day for her willingness to do so. I also believe that there are a lot of parents out there who could do it if they would make the hard financial decisions it takes to make it possible. Sure, we would love to drive a nicer car, live in a nicer home, go on vacations but the benefits our son gets from having his mom at home with him are worth way more than that. If you can stay at home, I would suggest that you do so.

twinmomtwice4

I've been a SAHM for the last 7 years and like anything it has it's ups and downs.

I worked hard on my education, got a MA in Psych and had a career that I loved. But my husband and I agreed that I would stay home once we had kids. My parents always worked and I was your classic latch-key kid so I wanted something different for my children. My husband's mother stayed home and he has such fond memories

I don't feel like I'm completely financially dependent on my husband because while we have a savings and checking account together, we each also maintain our own savings account. Most of my money comes from what I put away before I stopped working and then I do earn money here and there from blogging.

It doesn't feel strange to me at all to live off one income, probably because my husband has never made me feel like it's HIS money. I don't have to ask for money, I spend whenever I need or want to (wisely, of course). I'm actually way more frugal than he is!!

As far as whether to pursue furthering your education now or later, well, I guess you have to think about which years are most important to you in terms of raising your children.

Do you want to be there for them more now during their formative years....or is it more important to you to be there for them in their teenage years?

While obviously your first priority is your family, you also have to make sure you put yourself at the top of the list and not get completely caught up in motherhood or career. You just have to find a healthy balance. My MIL completely dedicated her life to her children and now that my husband and his brother are grown up with families of their own, she kind of stumbles through life, unsure of how to spend her days.

I love being a SAHM but I also don't want to completely lose myself in the process.

So yeah....lots of food for though and many things to consider but ultimately you just have to make the decision that feels right for you!

fourluvbugs

This is a tough one isn't it? I've talked with many women about it over the years because it is a topic that really interests me.

I left a partnership track position at a prestigious law firm to stay home with my children when my second was nearly one year old. It was an agonizing decision to make and financially it caused us a lot of difficulty, but my husband and I still believe, 7 years later, that it was the right thing for our family. Now I'm blessed to be able to practice law part time and since three of our four are in school they always have a parent home with them during the school year. Our youngest goes to daycare/preschool 2 days a week for 5.5 hours a day and otherwise is with a parent also. For us, this was the right choice. My husband never made me feel like I wasn't contributing and the little money we had was *our* money, not his.

On the other hand, I know lots of working mommies who think that they are better mommies because they don't stay home. That's a valid position as well.

I think a lot of it depends on YOU and how YOU would feel about having no income of your own and being away from your little ones.

LuLuRunner1

I had the honor of being a stay at home mom until my youngest of four was about four years old. Up until that time, my husband was in the military and deployed a lot; I felt it was important for my children to have a constant in their lives and that was me. I supplimented our income by running an in-home childcare through the years and locations. My middle children (now 15 & 13) still say they miss having me home when they get home from school even though their dad is there most of the time when they get home.

As much as I enjoy my job and the fulfillment that I get, I would much rather be at home when they are home and already have the household chores done so that I had more quality time with my children. I think it's a personal choice though that each parent should make on his/her own.

iam_thatdude

Well illbe the first dad to post...

Our first child was in day care and after 2 years of our second being in day care I was able to make enough money that my wife didnt have to work outside the home. So for 1/2 of our second and all of our third she has been home and I honeslty wish we had been able to do so from the beginning. I dont begrudge ppl who cant do it, but I think if you have the wherewithall as a parent one of us shuld be home.

I say that as a "tough guy" who if I could would give up my job in a second to be a Mr Mom.

There is no more important job in life than that of being a parent. When you look at gravestones they dont say "Beloved Manager/Doctor/Lawyer"

r1ghtpath

i vote stay home if you can :-) i've been home and i have loved every minute of it. the ONLY thing that ever drives me batty is the state of my house, LOL!!!

bm99

It really depends on your mindset. My husband and I both believe that I provide a valuable service to the family by staying home. The money he earns is our money, not his. We talk about all large purchases... if you stay working would you just go buy a car without consulting your hubs?

As long as both partners feel that a stay at home parent is an asset it will work out fine. The issues come out when a husband thinks the money he earns is his or when a woman starts feeling "unfulfilled".

momwhosbusy

I have been blessed to be able to be a SAHM for 16 years so far! It does have its ups and downs and frustrations just like any other job that you'll have. The benefits are SO worth it. I love being there for my kids when they need me and especially when they want me! (16 yr old boys don't often want mom, but when they do it is oh so sweet!) I believe that if you are able to be home financially then do it! I have had odd jobs at home here and there through the years and they alway seem to come when we need $ the most. My husband believes that it is important that I am home for the kids! He is amazing!

I have a friend who is fond of saying "When my kids were little I needed to be home to make sure that they didn't play in the medicine cabinet...now that they're teens, I need to be here to make sure they don't play in the medicine cabinet" (She is saying this tongue in cheek as she has amazing kids, but its still true)

Not having "your own" $ may be a bit of an adjustment but if you and hubby and both on the same page, write up a budget, and stick with what you agree to that might help to pre-empt any difficulties. Good Luck with your descision!

shawnp80134

IMO.. choose the "stay at home". In my case, both my wife and I worked day jobs, I was presented with an opportunity to work 12 hour nights 3 on, 4 off, 4 on 3 off. It was hard at first, (hours plus realizing that the opportunity meant giving up my career for a while) but someone was always there for the kids, I became the Mr Mom for the most part, and now with one in college, and the other in High School, I look back and LOVE the fact I was able to walk them to/from school, have lunch with them, have play dates, and just in general, be there for them. You choose to have a career, and you choose to have kids, only one of them are you really happy about when you look back on your life.

taylmarie

Wow, thank you so much for your responses!!

I talked a little more with my husband about and we agree that if I were the one to be making more money, he would stay home. We started dating when I was 20 so I always have (and still do) had my own money and accounts etc. I guess I am used to having that independence. When we discussed he said he has no issue with being the sole financial supporter of the home and that he couldn't understand why a spouse or partner with a stay at home parent would not treat them as an equal.

As a female member of "Generation Y" I have always felt the pressure to do everything and do it successfully; education, career, marriage and parenting. In my personal life, I know very few woman my age who stay home with their children.

Even though both my parents worked, my dad had more flexible hours and I always loved that he was home for dinner and would be at my sporting events. My mom did when she could, but she worked later hours and I missed her. I do not resent her though, she regrets her limited time but I am proud of her achievements. In my heart, I know I want to be present for my family or I may regret it too. I do not think there is a wrong way, we are all products of our experiences. My mom's mom stayed home and my mom probably thought, "hey, I want more!".

Maybe I will find a part-time opportunity that will fulfill me and allow me to be there as often as I'd like. I still have a few years to enjoy my career until the next chapter.

I am so happy to read your responses. Parenthood and life decisions can be challenging! It is nice to hear from people who have been there!!

Jersey_Devil

im a stay at home dad. (was a lawyer before that)

iam_thatdude

Well let me say this.

I have been very fortunate to be very, very successful in my career, attaining heights I honestly never could have guess I would reach. Although I am happy with the living it provides my family, at the end of the day....nothing matters more than being a parent.

NOTHING.

If you go by that guideline, your decisions will be the right one.

k8blujay2

Personally, I have been doing some thinking on this as well... I currently work 40 hours and have DD in a daycare full time... I have talked to my husband and when she turns 5 and goes into Kindergarten, I want to work part time... that way I'm there when she goes to school and I'm there when she comes home... but I still have a somewhat of a career so if something happens and I have to go back to work, I am not looking at menial jobs that I am overqualified for and have no interest in doing, but will only do so for the income...

love2cycle

You will, of course, have to decide for yourselves, because everybody is going to have different input, pertaining to their situation. My husband and I discussed what we would do when we had children before we had them. I chose to stay at home, and have never regretted it. We did lose some income obviously, but we have always been able to provide for our children, and even take vacations, on my husband's income alone. It's a lot of work, running a home, and taking care of kids!

bm99

Wow, thank you so much for your responses!!

As a female member of "Generation Y" I have always felt the pressure to do everything and do it successfully; education, career, marriage and parenting. In my personal life, I know very few woman my age who stay home with their children.

Even though both my parents worked, my dad had more flexible hours and I always loved that he was home for dinner and would be at my sporting events. My mom did when she could, but she worked later hours and I missed her. I do not resent her though, she regrets her limited time but I am proud of her achievements. In my heart, I know I want to be present for my family or I may regret it too. I do not think there is a wrong way, we are all products of our experiences. My mom's mom stayed home and my mom probably thought, "hey, I want more!".

I would consider myself a success at parenting. We sacrifice financially so that I can stay home with the kids. Exactly what part of that is unsuccessful?

We can't have it all. You can't work 60 hours a week and expect to be there for your child as well. Make your choice. Something will always suffer, you are only one person. I think the worst thing "feminism" ever did was devalue the role of being a mother.

myfitnessnmhoy

My wife and I waited to have kids until we reached the point where she could stay at home, and that was part of our plan all along. We both grew up in stay-at-home-mom families, and we felt it was important to always have a parent around when our daughter was growing up.

I will say it has had its challenges. In a double-earner environment, if one parent loses a job, they can always cut expenses by staying at home (saving on child care, etc) while the other brings home the bacon. I've lost a few jobs along the way (one exactly four days after my daughter was born!), and it adds considerably to stress when there's only one earner.

And, obviously, our income took a significant hit once my wife was far enough along with my daughter that she decided it was time to stop working. But the advance planning helped a lot with that part, since we had done the math and my job was (until I lost it 4 days later) more than sufficient to sustain our lifestyle because we had adjusted our lifestyle more than a year prior. And, as it turned out, my next job paid even more, so there was nothing to worry about in retrospect.

But this was a conscious decision - my wife worked hard and earned a Bachelor's and built some work experience first, so once my daughter gets old enough she can start working if she chooses (and she has started a fill-in part time job now that my daughter is nine). We've worked very hard to keep our lifestyle well within our means and save the whole time, though, so she can retain the option to stop if and when she chooses.

Our current house is very small but also very affordable. We have no Cable, and actually no TV, drive our cars until they die, etc. We don't keep up with the Jonses, we have enough work keeping up with my daughter! Well, my wife does. I just bring home the money and give her a much-needed break every now and then.

myfitnessnmhoy

Maybe I will find a part-time opportunity that will fulfill me and allow me to be there as often as I'd like. I still have a few years to enjoy my career until the next chapter.

Once my daughter got old enough to be in school, my wife started volunteering. She's currently the President of the Friends organization for our local library (which is a resource we use a LOT to save money!), and actively involved in the school board of the school my daughter goes to. She's even considering a part-time position working for the school.

Both have allowed her to provide for the family (and other families) in different ways - by giving input and effort into resources that many kids can enjoy and benefit from (including ours)

taylmarie

I would consider myself a success at parenting. We sacrifice financially so that I can stay home with the kids. Exactly what part of that is unsuccessful?

We can't have it all. You can't work 60 hours a week and expect to be there for your child as well. Make your choice. Something will always suffer, you are only one person. I think the worst thing "feminism" ever did was devalue the role of being a mother.

I wouldn't call it unsuccessful at all! Parenting is a difficult and rewarding job. My point was that I think it is hard that we are expected to do so much that we could never really give 100% in every area. We have to sacrifice somewhere. And I agree about the "feminism" thing. I told my husband that of chivalry really is dead, women killed it!

iam_thatdude

I would say Im a hugely successful parent in the sense that I am great, plus I only beat them when they do something really bad, like talk when im trying to watch TV.

Also, I give them money, sometimes.

taylmarie

Well let me say this.

I have been very fortunate to be very, very successful in my career, attaining heights I honestly never could have guess I would reach. Although I am happy with the living it provides my family, at the end of the day....nothing matters more than being a parent.

NOTHING.

If you go by that guideline, your decisions will be the right one.

Good guideline to go by. I know in my heart my decision will be to "stay home", I never pictured it for myself, but I am excited about what that will mean for my son and any future children.