Stay at home parents- (kind of long)

taylmarie

I appreciate your nuanced response. I think the problem us men have is that women think of the job as something for "them"...I wish we had that luxury.

Also, why does a woman have to feel that their knowledge and intellect is being wasted at home? SAHM are the CFO, CTO and COO rolled into one.

I see what your saying.

I think it depends on the person. I learn a lot at work, I love to discuss politics and religion and travel and all sorts of adult crap. If I stayed home and didn't make it a point to continue to learn and grow, eventually I might feel like an expert and laundry, paying bills and the best route from school to soccer but I might not feel satisfied. Truly, my 5 year old doesn't understand politics AT ALL. Our debates suck.

taylmarie

I'm going to add this one thing for you to think about. In the end of your life, when you're old, sick and on your deathbed, will you look back on your life and say, "Gee, I wish I worked more."?

If you have the opportunity to stay at home with your kids, I believe you should take it. Can any job compensate you for time lost with them? I'm expecting a baby boy right now, and since we can't afford to be a one income household, I'm working on getting my Enrolled Agent certification so I can work out of my house and have a more flexible schedule. I don't want some day care provider coming up to me at the end of my work day saying, "Oh little Danny said his first word today!" or "Danny took his first steps today!". That should be me or his dad seeing that. You know what I mean?

I do know what you mean, for sure. So great that you are working to find a way to be at home and have an income. The best of both worlds I think. Thanks for our response

sleepytexan

It's been 12 years (and 4 kids) since I "retired" as a Director of Legal and HR services for a global organization. I worked until my eldest was 2.5 years old, and then, due to a geographical move for my husband's job, took the opportunity to stay home. Since then I had to learn how to become a different mom--a SAHM.

It was a huge adjustment when I was so used to being defined by my career. You perceive (possibly correctly), that in certain situations people have no interest in you once they learn you're "just a mom". While I never felt strange about not having "my own" money (marriage is about sharing), I do know that is a real concern for some people. However, you will get over it. Be aware, however, that as soon as your child(ren) are out of daycare and home, your house is going to get a lot messier (ha).

I briefly considered a unique business development opportunity with a competitor of my former employer after I had been home for 8 years and had 3 kids (preschool and elementary). Over the course of the 4 weeks that I discussed the potential position, met with the potential employer, received an offer, and jumped through the hoops for an approval by an au pair agency, each of the kids was sick and I was called to go to school 3 separate times to get them. Ya. Although I had been excited about going back to work, I realized that I didn't want an au pair to be the one providing the comfort and care to my kids (maybe sometimes would be nice as a break, but not all the time--KWIM? So . . . I kept staying home. Less than 2 years later we had our 4th child anyway.

That being said, I am grateful to have this opportunity, and while the kids can make you nuts, they are also a joy--and it's true that they do grow up so quickly.

If you can afford to stay home, and you want to try it, DO IT NOW while you can, before you start relying too much on the 2nd income.

It's amazing how many people manage to spend everything they make and more, and before they know it, there's no way back without bankruptcy.

You can always go back to work later, if necessary, or if you desire.

blessings.

ninerbuff

Doing some soul searching about the future. Those of you who are stay at home parents, how do you feel about it? If you are not a stay at home parent, but could be, would you?

We have a son who is 5 and we are hoping to have another child in the future. I have a degree and a career and have been considering going for my Masters Degree for awhile. My parents both worked and I appreciate how hard they worked. However, my mom worked long hours and I really missed having her around and she has some regrets about how career focused she was.

My husband and I have discussed how we think it is sad that in this economy, some families who would like to have one parent at home simply do not have the choice. In most cases, two incomes are needed.

My husband is in med school and he still has about 7 years before he will be a doctor, he starts clinical rotations in June. He will make good money but depending on his specialty, could work crazy hours. I want to ensure one of us will be there for our son or future children. So now I am torn. Do I go back for a Masters and continue my career path? Or do I stick with my current career for the next 7 years and then plan to be a homemaker? So hard to decide!!

I know I am lucky to have the option, I don't take it for granted. And I know everyone has different opinions on this sort of thing. I am just curious if people have been in my shoes or have experiences to share about being a "stay at home" parent or the spouse of one.

Does it feel strange if you don't make your own money? What about when you need a new car?? I am financially responsible so I don't think we would have arguments about spending etc. but I feel like it would feel strange to be entirely financially dependent on someone.

I know this is a long post. I have been thinking long and hard and thought it might be nice to get some thoughts/opinions.

Thanks in advance for any input!

Get the degree while you can. Whether you stay at home or not can still be decided.

A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
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Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 28+ years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition

taylmarie

Ditto this...when my son was a toddler/preschooler he was in daycare from sun up until sun down while I went to college full time and worked real estate. I was able to spend about the last year or so before kinder at home with him and it was so much fun, but when I walked him to his kinder class that first day of school and thought about everything I had missed, it was heartbreaking. I promised myself I wouldn't do it again.

I have 5 children, ages 7 to 17. I have been a SAHM since 2000 and I haven't regretted it once. It has been difficult financially at times but I am here for my kids. I get to drop everything and have tea parties with my little girls. If my son is having trouble at school I can schedule a meeting or just "pop in". When my 16 year old was having trouble in school, I was able to pull her out and enroll her in an independent study program to help her catch up on her credits, and I am home each day to help her with her work-now she's 17 and scheduled to graduate in June. The elementary staff knows me by name, and they welcome me on campus. Currently i'm training with my little girls and the rest of 4th, 5th and 6th graders for a track meet. I am able to go to the school and get out on the field and run with them and just enjoy encouraging my little girls as they train. Instead of hearing about it after work, I get to be a part of it. I was room mom for all my girls' classes two years in a row, and got to bring in goodies for the parties, set them up, and stay for the party with my kids. I get to see what is going on at the school by being there. I can drop everything for my husband's lunch break and pack a picnic lunch, show up and take him to a park and we can just hang out together enjoying a nice meal and each others' company before I take him back to work.

My job *is* my husband, kids, family, household. If I want to start dinner at noon and make homemade yeast rolls to go with it, I can. My husband works outside of the home and my job is inside of the home, and I am absolutely grateful that I have a husband who supports me in doing this. I love that I can be there for my family pretty much whenever they need me, and I hope one day they will look back and appreciate all of the love, time, effort, and hard work I put into caring for them. I have worked outside of the home and I never felt anywhere near as happy as I do staying home.

Thanks for your response. I am certain your family will look back and appreciate all you have done for them. It makes me happy to know that you are truly satisfied with your role and it sounds rewarding to be able to be there whenever your family needs you. I think that is what is important for me. I don't want my career to get in the way when my children need a parent and my husband simply can't be there because he is delivering a baby or doing a vasectomy or diagnosing or whatever he ends up doing. The truth is, he simply wont be flexible!

Bahet

Our boys are 14 and almost 12. I've been a SAHM since the end of tax season 15 years ago (2 months before kid 1 was born). We worked and saved so that I could stay home until our youngest was in school full time. By that time we realized that it's just as important, maybe even more so, to be home when they get home from school. At this point we wouldn't have daycare expenses any more but I like knowing that our kids are home, do their homework, and aren't getting into trouble for the 3 hours between the end of school and when we'd get home. Plus, I do the cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc and I'm afraid if I did go back to work everyone would continue to walk past the stuff I set on the stairs to go up and we'd eat a heck of a lot of take out. :laugh:

I've been doing taxes and finance for 20 years. I used to work during tax season for a select few clients and giving financial advice to them as necessary. About 8 years ago I started to grow my business. I still work from home but I set my hours. I specialize in ex-pats and small businesses and most of my clients are in other states or overseas so I don't have to worry about having a client over when a kid needs me or the phone rings or dinner needs to get done or any of that. It's been wonderful. Because I work from home we were able to move to Germany for 1 1/2 years when hubby had that work opportunity. When that ended and he got transferred to Virginia it wasn't a problem. Except for being out of service for a few weeks my business didn't suffer a bit. Most of my clients didn't even know until I mentioned it when they contacted me the next tax season.

I don't make nearly what I could if I were in the corporate world. I also don't work 60+ hours/week. I make enough to cover the mortgage and having that extra free time enables me to focus more on our own portfolio. I figure that we can count the actual worth of me staying at home and running my own business as about double my actual income. I don't need a work wardrobe. We don't need a second car (we could only take 1 car to Germany and since we weren't there very long we didn't buy a second car. I didn't really mind so when we moved back stateside I didn't see any reason to get another car. I ride my bike or walk or wait until DH gets home.) We never paid for daycare. I keep the house up and cook at home all but maybe 1 meal a month so we don't pay for maid service, lawn care, or extra for take out.

I don't feel the least bit guilty about spending money. DH makes a lot more than me but if it wasn't for me handling the money in the first place he'd be scrounging in the sofa cushions to get change for pizza. He'll be the first to agree with that too! :laugh:

Dtho5159

My parents both worked full time when I was growing up. I was with my gram a lot if I wasn't in school. I really missed not having them around more.

My husband was raised with his mom in the house. She was a SAHM until her youngest got his GED (they were all homeschooled)

Ive been a SAHM for nearly 8 years (I started staying home when I was pregnant with my oldest because I was laid off from my job) My youngest and last baby is almost 4 and a half. I anticipate being home until she graduates high school or for as long as they need me. My oldest is Autistic and who knows what the future holds for him. He may need me home and that would be fine with me. They are my top priority and since we have lived on essentially one income for all these years, we might as well do it longer. We are in a much better place financially than we were when we started out.

ki4yxo

There should be a group for SAHParents. I see a couple for
Mom's, one for Dads. (which only has one member) Why can't
there be one for both?

123losinforme

It is a very touchy subject. I am a stay at home mom and I have been judged even unintentionally by all walks of life. Economically it was a better decision for me to stay and raise our children. It's the hardest job I have ever done. We gave up a lot of things in order to raise our three children but it is worth it in the end. Because it's mom who kisses their forehead when they wake up, it's mom who bakes cookies on Christmas break, it's mom who reads a book and teaches them to read.l, it's mom who is there whenever they need me.

I recently went back to work full time and I cried for days! 15 years of being a sahm that's all my kids knew and wanted. I didn't think my 15 yo daughter would care but she begged me to quit. I thought no way! I am finally getting that adult interaction... then my 3 year old would not let my arm, leg, shirt etc go one day and my husband said we need you back. I don't think ppl realize how that sahparents role really plays until that parent takes a job.

Sahm and dads are what our children need today. My sil works always has and when she quit her job to raise her three children she didn't know how ...she gave up and went back to work after three months. Like I said, it's a personal choice between you and your spouse. If you can afford it there is no greater reward than to raise your child. Work can wait ...get a job after they grow up...believe me that comes a lot quicker than you realize.

God bless and good luck!
Dana

Shayztar

I am now a SAHM to two babies. One little girl 2 1/2 and a boy who turned 1 last month. It was a very difficult decision to make.

I worked for one of the biggest banks in Canada for 10 years. I put my all into my various positions and climbed several rungs of the proverbial ladder. Something difficult to do as a woman in the "Big Business" world. Toot toot, but I won a cruise offered yearly to only the top 2% employees of the company. I was a "wild card" choice, meaning that the one of the executives noticed my hard work and personally chose me to go, different from the rest which are screened before hand. Needless to say, tho it wasn't education related, I did put in lots of time and effort to get where I was. After I had my daughter, I went on the 1 year maternity leave offered to us in Canada. The month before I was to return to work, my boss called me and offered me another promotion. The kicker was (if you did the math already) I was already 20 weeks pregnant! I turned down the promotion (it killed me inside) and told them to offer it to someone else who wasn't about to take another year off. But returning to work was KILLER. I had 16 weeks to work in order to qualify for maternity pay. I think I cried for about half of them. I missed my little girl so much, and I really despised being at work. She was learning things without me. I would pick her up from daycare and she would smell like the care worker, not me. She was learning new words that I didn't teach her. It was terrible.

Fast forward to the birth of my son. I was injured by my epidural, bed rest and medical procedures for months. I spun into a deep post partum depression. Was put on Zoloft. My daughter continued to go to daycare a couple of days per week while I was dealing with all of those issues, plus a new born baby. After being on the Zoloft for 6 months, I was told I could wean off. Thank God, because I gained weight after I birthed my son. The Zoloft had bad side effects on me - hence the reason I am on MFP in the first place!! Anyways... I left my daughter in daycare for 2 days a week because it was a good tax write off, and because it was giving her social skills I couldn't give her alone. Her brother was still too small to interact with. One day, I was picking her up from daycare, and the worker said:

"If Scarlett talks about being spanked today, it's because I whacked her on the butt when she wouldn't go to sleep. She cried and cried and I said to her 'If you won't stop crying, I'll give you something to cry about' and then I spanked her on her bum."

That was the LAST TIME we EVER saw that woman.

In a nutshell. I was robbed of at least 6 months of the beginning of my boy's life. I have zero trust in daycare providers, unless they are province run germ factories that cost a fortune. I want my children to smell like me. I want to be here when Sebastian starts talking. I want to be present for everything. No amount of money or success will make a difference to those moments.

When it comes to loss of income, that's been hard. But we prepared for the worst before we even had kids. Meaning, I grew up with a single mother and disabled brother in the recession-80s. I know how to be cheap. It comes natural. LOL I will never regret the decision to stay home. Because I can always get another job if I need to. I can always go to school if I want to. I can take night courses. I can wait until they go to school. I feel liberated in that I no longer identify myself as a successful worker for Big Business. I no longer feel THAT stress. Other stress, yes, but I no longer feel tied down tot he career path other people carved out for me. I am master of my own destiny, and I have both of my babies standing right next to me.

God that was cheesy.

But true.

Good luck with your journey!

Jersey_Devil

There should be a group for SAHParents. I see a couple for
Mom's, one for Dads. (which only has one member) Why can't
there be one for both?

i'm down for it. are you volunteering to start it? lol

jenny95662

I did not read all the responses beacause there are tons lol My mom worked and so did my father. I was always lucky enought though to have a mom who worked at home (in home daycare) I loved having her home when I was younger and when I was older it was nice to have someone to come home to.

I was in school to be a teacher and then got married to my husband who is in the navy and despite what everyone thinks we do not make much money lol I am a stay at home mom because he and I want it that way so we dont always have tons of extra cash but we dont mind.

Its hard to answer your question because I have friends who hate the idea to stay home all day and not work, I guess its not for everyone but for me its perfect. I have a 5 year old and a 2 year old and plan to have 1 more in a year or two. I love being abl to be home with them and see everything as they grow. It helps our family because my husband is not around much with his job so its stability for the kids to always have me here. I worked for years before I had kids but for me this is he hardest job I have ever had lol But in the same aspect I would never trade it. I ignore the people who think I do nothing and stuff cause there are always haters but for me and my family this is the best. When my kids grow up and are in school full time I plan to work. I have been a SAHM for 6 years I started when we moved for my husbands job and I got pregnant and had a rough pregnancy.

To me there is nothing more rewarding then staying home with my kids and seeing them grow.

kb455

I stay home with my kids and I wouldn't change it for the world. I have a college degree and I chose to leave my career when I had my first child. It was a hard decision because I loved my job and the people I worked with. They even made me an offer of a 6-month maternity leave and I still chose to leave. I don't think its for everyone and sure there are times I miss working outside the home but I figure I have the rest of my life to work. My kids will only be little once.

There are things I get to do with my kids that I wouldn't if I was working. I get to chaperone field trips for my son's preschool, I get to spend the summer afternoons with my kids at the pool. I *almost* went back to work about 3 years ago. I went through the long multi-interview process, got a start date and the day before I freaked out because I knew I'd miss my boys too much. So, I ended up declining the job offer.

As far as money, I view what my husband makes as 'our' money. If it wasn't for me taking the kids to all their appointments, lessons, etc. my husband would have to take off work for those things so, in a round about way... I help him be a better employee. He never makes me feel like he makes the money. We always have equal say in large purchases.

I'm not saying everyone should stay home. I know a lot of women who say they would never want to do it but I also know a lot of mom's who are really sad that they can't afford to stay home with their kids.

tistal

I know im gonna get flamed on this, BUT....its funny to me how many moms say that once the kids get into school they wan tto get a job so "they have something for me"....as a man that just seems ridiculous. Id love to have a job thats for me, but unfortunately I have a job that pays bills.

I know (I hope) you all mean it differently, but just giving you the insight of most men (at the Men Meeting of 2011 held in Vegas, I was voted to speak for all men)

I want to go back to work so I have something to contribute to the bank account! lol My hubs works his keister off so I dont have to and it would be nice to take a bit of the money worries off of his shoulders and be able to have a little cushion.

LilynEdensmom

I think it depends on the mother...Me, even if I could stay at home financially..Mentally I couldn't handle it I tried and after 3 months of just taking care of kids housework shopping and cleaning I was insane, depressed and so moody my husband couldn't stand me. I need to be working.

My mom still stays at home, she watches the kids for me while I work. I just feel trapped and stir crazy so what ever is best for mom is best for the family

bm99

what ever is best for mom is best for the family

What an interesting idea. We function as a unit in my household. Whatever is best for the family is best for the family.

ki4yxo

There should be a group for SAHParents. I see a couple for
Mom's, one for Dads. (which only has one member) Why can't
there be one for both?

i'm down for it. are you volunteering to start it? lol

I wouldn't know where to begin!

ishallnotwant

what ever is best for mom is best for the family

What an interesting idea. We function as a unit in my household. Whatever is best for the family is best for the family.

Most definitely. I thought being a mom was about putting others first-maybe not obsessively, but for the most part.

Ely82010

I stayed home for the first year. Well, I had a part time radio job that was like 1 or 2 days on air per week on the weekends, but basically, I stayed home. It wasn't my choice, as my son's father believed that my "place" was in the home. Yeah. We split up before my son turned 2. I personally did not enjoy being a stay at home mom. Don't get me wrong, my son is the love of my life, and I cherish every moment I have with him. But I missed being at work every day. I missed making my own money. I missed being around other adults every day.

Both my parents worked, but I don't have any memories of either of them being "absent" or anything. They were both at every school function, volunteering for field trips, making cupcakes for the class on my birthday, etc. Now that I look back, I have no idea how my mom did it, really. When I was in 1st grade she worked full time, was pregnant with my sister, was in graduate school at Johns Hopkins, and still had dinner on the table at night. I suspect she had a clone.

I really think it's up to the individual. I would not choose to be a stay at home parent. First of all, my son is in school now, so there's not really a reason for me to be home all day, and secondly, it does not make me as happy and fulfilled as working AND parenting do. I love my career. I love making my own money. I love meeting new people through my job. And I love leaving work, picking up my son, and taking him to the gym with me, or to t-ball practice/games, or home to hang out. I love going to the park with him on the weekends and taking him to church on Sundays. That's what works for our family best, and my son will not grow up and think "gee, my mom sure wasn't around much." His dad on the other hand....well that's another story for another thread lol

My best friend from high school, however, is OVERJOYED at being able to stay home with her kids. It's like she was born to be a stay at home mom. I just never wanted that for myself. I don't see one as being better than the other, just different for every person.

I feel like such a weirdo here! Am I the only woman alive who has zero interest in being a stay at home mom???

No, you are not a weirdo, and your first post, I could have written it myself, and I am already a grandmother.

I stayed home until my youngest was in pre-school and his brother in kindergarten, and I went back to school myself to get my degree. It was not easy. I enrolled in morning classes and I was home when they got back from school. We used to study together and most of my studding time was done at night when everybody was asleep, and on weekends.

I worked part time until they were in Jr High and HS, and full time after that. I could not stay home full time; I am too independent, and my husband knew that. It was not option, I had to get my education and I had to have a career if he wanted a happy wife, regardless of how good of a provider he was. And he had a great job and a very good salary.

I liked to earn my own money, and it paid off. I have my own SS and my own retirement account. And I always knew that if something were to happen to my husband or to the marriage, I would have been able to financially provide for my children. My income also allowed us to help our children when they needed it, with education or anything else.

I respect and admire all women that want to stay home with their children for the rest of their life. It was not for me, and I do not regret it.

theNurseNancy

I feel like such a weirdo here! Am I the only woman alive who has zero interest in being a stay at home mom???

Nope, I'm with you! I'm in the "I feel like I'm a better parent by working" category. My son LOVES daycare. He gets the socialization and play that i can't provide for him at home. He gets bored quickly at home because he is busybusybusy all the time! Bored to the point of tantruming (terrible 2s) at not being able to "play" with the outlets and other things. Dont get me wrong. He has plenty of toys and I play with him, but he moves on quickly. He's happier at the end of the day after daycare.

I was able to spend 6 months with him at home when I was last laid off, and i enjoyed the time I had with him. he still went to daycare (for less time however) to get his extra play in, but nearer to the end of that 6 months I was really wishing for more adult conversation and time. I LOVE my new job. 8-5 M-F, so it's nothing ridiculous, and I LOVE earning money.

Not to mention we love having the extra money to spoil him with (we're filing for bankruptcy atm due to outstanding medical bills and the desire to give up our home though)