Stay at home parents- (kind of long)

grinch031

As someone whose wife stays at home, I'd say it really depends on your own career aspirations and also the kind of money you could bring in and how much you and your husband value the possibility of retirement. Unless your husband is going to bring in huge money, life is expensive (especially planning for the future) and many families cannot get by without two incomes. However if your job doesn't pay enough, then you are working and dealing with the stress of the job simply so that you can afford child care for your kids. My wife didn't have career aspirations and income wasn't all that great, so it made little sense to go through all the stress of working for the little return after all expenses that go along with that. In making this decision, I've also had to accept that I probably won't be able to save much for retirement because after living expenses with just one income, there isn't much left for saving. While I think the decision we chose is best for the children in the short term (better care), I think financially in the long term it is going to be very difficult for us.

KBeener

I've been at home for almost 5 years now. In the beginning it was a difficult transition for me. It IS hard to go from being independent to being completely financially dependent on someone. It's really ego-crushing. On one hand, I am in control of what we eat, where we go, who we see, what we do, what we wear, plus more. And on the other hand, all of my hard work goes mostly unnoticed and unpaid. But I can't imagine not seeing my two boys everyday, all day. I love them so much and I love getting to be the one to teach them everything, and witness firsthand their growth and development. It's important for children to have one-on-one, loving attention everyday. They can get that from a nanny or other caregiver, but those people most likely won't be there for the long haul. I think having one parent at home with the children is the best way to ensure a healthy and nurturing upbringing. It's a difficult decision, deciding between what you love and who you love. I hope you'll be able to find a balance.

momma3sweetgirls

My mom and dad were in your same situation (albeit 40some years ago). My mom had a Bachelor of Science, my dad in medical school. She chose to stay home and they had 3 kids while my father made next to nothing as a medical student/intern/resident. They eventually had their 4th (me) shortly after he got a full-time position. My mother says it was tough financially in the beginning and they did have to take out loans, but they invested what they could for the future. They were able to put 4 kids through university (in Canada - so much cheaper than the US). We didn't live 'high on the hog', didn't have fancy cars, wear brand-name clothes, go on extravagant vacations, etc. We lived comfortably though. I'm so happy my mom got to stay home. It was nice to have a mom that was home when I came home from school. I was able to participate in after-school activities rather than spend the rest of the afternoon in daycare.

Flash forward 37 years: my dad is retired, my parents have an impressive nest egg, they are able to help their kids out financially if need be, and are enjoying their grandchildren - spoiling them!! Me, well, I'm also an education woman (Bachelor of Science and a Bachelor of Education), have 4 kids of my own, and have stayed home with them from day 1. My husband and I discussed me being a SAHM before we were married and it was decided then that I would be home with the kids. I'm thankful we can manage financially and I have no desire to go to work outside the home.

If it's financially feasible for you, my vote is STAY HOME! You can always go to work later when the kids are older. You'll never be able to get back the early years if you work through them.

taylmarie

SO TRUE.

I have been made to feel like this monster who hates my kid by other women because I would rather work outside the home than be a SAHM. I come from a long line of women who work. My mother worked, my grandmother worked (she left home at 18 and took the train from a small TX town to Los Angeles, got a job downtown, and lived there while my grandfather was in the Navy. At 80 years old, she is just now retiring for the 2nd time....she kept working after her first retirement because she said "well, what else am I gonna do all day?"). I just never really felt like staying home was for me.

Yes, I work full time. My career is kick *kitten*. And know what? I'm still the one who wakes my sweet boy up in the mornings and takes him to school. I'm the one who takes him to t-ball games and practice (have never missed one!), I bake cookies with him, read him stories every night, take him to church on Sundays, have a healthy dinner on the table at night, etc. I do ALL those things, not a nanny, not a daycare provider, I do them. I am very fortunate to have such a generous employer that doesn't mind if I have to take off early to get him to t-ball, or if I have to leave because he's sick at school or something. I save up vacation days to spend a few days with him at Christmas and to take him to the beach every summer. That's what my parents did for me (they both worked) and I have zero memory of them ever being "absent" in any way. I've also got a college fund set up for him, retirement, excellent health coverage, and short term disability benefits that will enable me to take off work for 3 months (fully paid) should I decide to have another child in the future. I just wish women from BOTH sides would realize that your way/my way is not better, it's just different.

You sound like a great mom, and you are SO right! I can't believe the way women judge each other, we always hear about the way men treat women but in many cases, women are so horrible to each other! I agree, there is no right way. I am like you right now, I work and enjoy my career but I also drop off/pick up my son, make dinners, swim lessons, homework, bath time, stories. legos, you name it! I never even thought I would be considering staying at home. Like you, I am in a lucky position where if I need to leave early I can, but I fear that wont always last. Certainly not as I climb the proverbial ladder. My husbands job could likely mean him being on call 24/7 which will leave me with little flexibility. It is so hard to decide the right thing to do. I have always worked and enjoyed it! Such is life, tough decisions we make sometimes. We parents just try and do our best, whatever works for us!

Eleisabelle

My mother stayed home until all of us were school age--then, she worked school hours and was home when we were.

I think it's a personal choice and I applaud you whatever you decide, but I do have one comment: consider what will happen when the kids are grown up and you don't have them to take your time anymore. Are you going to want to wait until then to go back to school and stall working even longer? Are you content to think that you may never get back to working? Can you get your Master's part time while being a stay-at-home mom? Can you work from home?

There are a lot more options besides just one or the other. While the kids should be the main focus of your questioning, please don't leave yourself out. You matter too, and your future after the kids don't need you so much anymore should be as rich and full as the time you spend with them.

Good luck!

Jen32285

I've been a SAHM for 3 years now. There are times that I love it, but there are times that I hate it. My oldest is in kindergarten, so now it's just my 3 year old at home. We just decided that it would be easier for me to stay home instead of putting the kids into daycare. I would most likely only be making minimum wage. So pretty much my entire check would go towards daycare. My husband is a Marine. I'm looking at starting school in the fall and hopefully finding a job at least part time. Being home is starting to take it's toll on me. Anyways, if you can afford it and it's for the best. Then go for it.

dlyeates

This is a very personal decision that really should be based on more than just the need for money or having enough money. I know there are parents out there that have to work due to finances, and I am one of them, but you also need to look at your desire to stay home.

I have the best of both worlds. I'm a school counselor and get the same breaks (for the most part) and summer vacation as my son. I get to spend that time with him but work while he is in school. We do have a younger daughter and are extremely bless to have my parents watching them (we have our issues that sometimes make the arrangement unbearable but it really is a good situation for the kids).

As much as I would love to say that I would stay at home with my kids if we could afford it (we can't), I'm not sure I would. Because I don't think I have the creativity, endurance, patience or ability to teach my kids the way that I would like to if I stayed home. I know that I am a better mother being able to do my job and having that time away because I enjoy the time I'm with my kids. When we are all having bad days a lot of yelling happens and I don't want that to be what my kids remember about their childhood.

I'm not perfect, I do yell but I also know that by working I keep more of my sanity and that makes me a better mother.

CrazyMidget611

I would say Im a hugely successful parent in the sense that I am great, plus I only beat them when they do something really bad, like talk when im trying to watch TV.

Also, I give them money, sometimes.

OMG, I just laughed so hard I spit out my water!!!

ishallnotwant

I think it's a personal choice and I applaud you whatever you decide, but I do have one comment: consider what will happen when the kids are grown up and you don't have them to take your time anymore. Are you going to want to wait until then to go back to school and stall working even longer? Are you content to think that you may never get back to working? Can you get your Master's part time while being a stay-at-home mom? Can you work from home?

My answer to all these questions: grandkids!!! I totally can't wait to have grandchildren, and if my daughters/future DIL choose to work outside of the home I would be honored to have the opportunity to take care of my grandchildren during the day. I am looking forward to being the older woman who is at home when my children need me, as they raise their own families and need help, to be able to just show up at their house with a hot meal and watch the baby while they shower or nap, give them support, let them vent or rejoice as they realize the hardships and joys of parenting. If all of my children have the same amount of kids I did, i'd have 25 grandkids eventually. :laugh: That should be enough to keep me busy...

CristlNothem

i have kind of been in every position possible. I was a stay at home mom for three years. I had to start working full time upon splitting from my husband. I hate having to have him in daycare all the time. Now that we are getting back together, i have the option to work or not. So i came to the conclusion that i would work part time, that way i can help with income, and get some sane mommy time, and it allows for my son to be able to interact with other kids in daycare. It also works cause i can spend time with him more than i can right now, and also take care of my mommy/wife duties around the house.

CharityEaton

I was brought up in a home were my mother stayed at home with us. she gave up her career as a nurse to raise us.
I also worked in chikdcare for about 7 years. The plan was for me to stay at home after our first daughter was bron but it didn't end up working out until 2 years later when our second daughter was born. I worked in childcare and while it is fine for most families it was NOT what I wanted for my children. I wanted to be the one seeing them walk for the first time. I wanted to teach them their colors and how to sing the ABC's.

My first year at home was very tough! we live outside of town so it wasn't possible to go for a walk to the park...I was literally at home day in and day out. Once we got the finances figured out and knew we would be fine long term I found plenty of free activities to do wih the kids a few times a week.

We have had to kee a tight budget and I have never had a problem with the his money my money thing. It's just never been an issue. I am NOT good at finances so my husband usually will just kindly say, "hey honey, you need to try really hard to stick to th budget for a few weeks..we've gotten a little too relaxed and we need to get back on track." He neve is rude about it and the money is always there when we need it.

Now I have reached the point in time that my third, and youngest daughter will start kindergarten in the fall. I get questions every day about what I'm going to do with all myfree time! What a joke! Just because my kids are off to school for the day does NOT mean that I will not have anything to do! I still have to clean and do laundry and prepare the homemade nutritious food that my family needs. I volunteer at the school as often as I can and I go on field trips, I make special treats for those special days at school ( like the 100 day, or Johnny Appleseed Day or Baseball Day) I volunteer for Track and Field day. I am still a very big part of my girls day even though they are at school. If I had a job I would not be allowed to take all of these days off to do these things that mean so much to my kids. It will only be a few short years before my oldest is in Middle School and I will no longer be (nor will she want me to be) volunteering as much for her. I want to take advantage of this time now.

It takes some adjusting but once you get used to it, chances are you won't want to go back to work. You won't want to miss anything and everything you give up is worth it to know you gave your children everything you had to be the best mom you could! Like you said, many people don't get the opportunity to stay at home so embrace it for the sake of those who wish they could! I count my lucky stars every day that BOTH my husband and I kiss our daughters good-bye and wave them off to school each morning and we are BOTH home to get them off the bus each afternoon. He has a super flexible schedule that allows him to be here each morning and afternoon. We are truly blessed to have the ability to be here for our girls.

tanyakay87

I know im gonna get flamed on this, BUT....its funny to me how many moms say that once the kids get into school they wan tto get a job so "they have something for me"....as a man that just seems ridiculous. Id love to have a job thats for me, but unfortunately I have a job that pays bills.

I know (I hope) you all mean it differently, but just giving you the insight of most men (at the Men Meeting of 2011 held in Vegas, I was voted to speak for all men)

From my point of view, I would say what a woman means by having something for her is probably to go to work just so she can have a hot cup of coffee for once!! Or a day where she doesn't have vomit or other bodily functions in her hair )

CrazyMidget611

I know im gonna get flamed on this, BUT....its funny to me how many moms say that once the kids get into school they wan tto get a job so "they have something for me"....as a man that just seems ridiculous. Id love to have a job thats for me, but unfortunately I have a job that pays bills.

I know (I hope) you all mean it differently, but just giving you the insight of most men (at the Men Meeting of 2011 held in Vegas, I was voted to speak for all men)

From my point of view, I would say what a woman means by having something for her is probably to go to work just so she can have a hot cup of coffee for once!! Or a day where she doesn't have vomit or other bodily functions in her hair )

Wait...HOT coffee?? What is THAT??

My husband gets so frustrated because he finds all of my stiil-full coffee cups from 6a on the table at 8p! I'm like "Dude, I didn't just pour it for fun! I had every intention of sucking that bad boy down!! I just never got the chance!"

And, no joke, my daughter has WICKED reflux and I go through about 5 changes of clothes a day! LOL

tanyakay87

I know im gonna get flamed on this, BUT....its funny to me how many moms say that once the kids get into school they wan tto get a job so "they have something for me"....as a man that just seems ridiculous. Id love to have a job thats for me, but unfortunately I have a job that pays bills.

I know (I hope) you all mean it differently, but just giving you the insight of most men (at the Men Meeting of 2011 held in Vegas, I was voted to speak for all men)

From my point of view, I would say what a woman means by having something for her is probably to go to work just so she can have a hot cup of coffee for once!! Or a day where she doesn't have vomit or other bodily functions in her hair )

Wait...HOT coffee?? What is THAT??

My husband gets so frustrated because he finds all of my stiil-full coffee cups from 6a on the table at 8p! I'm like "Dude, I didn't just pour it for fun! I had every intention of sucking that bad boy down!! I just never got the chance!"

And, no joke, my daughter has WICKED reflux and I go through about 5 changes of clothes a day! LOL

I'm glad I'm not the only one who gets in trouble for multiple half finished coffees lol! Ugh no shame about reflux ;( My little one likes to keep food in her hands for later use and then put it on my face or hair when I'm not looking. She wipes her nose on my black shirts and jerseys too, especially when we're out in public for everyone to see lol. And she's not even a year old yet lol!!

A mother's job is NOT easy!

BeachBobbie

I totally did not read the entire post, but I can say that the sacrifice of staying home with your kids.....giving up the life I would have chosen if Iw ouldn't have had children, doing without newer clothes, going on vacation, having more money for extras....is totally worth it. My children never feel alone or on their own. I do not spoil them by any means, but I am available when they need me and I will be until they move out and probably then too. I don't know what I'll do when they leave the "nest", but I do know that until then, they will always have me ready and available for anythin they need. I'll never miss a step. Life is over too soon and when you die, the nice fancy cars and homes and clothes don't matter. In the end, its the bonds you've made with people that last and keep your legacy alive! (just my two cents)