Dear I love you but really....

delikium · May 2012

I find many guys are critical because it is thier way to control women.

this, he just wanna be involved, like a really unprofessional coach

crisanderson27 · May 2012

But with that being just a short version of the list of stuff we no longer do together - look at all the lifestyle changes I've caused for him! Not to mention that he is aware I have a lot more confidence now and appreciate the second looks I now get. He's mostly embraced the clean, no red meat, wheat free, quinoa and vegetable diet I try and stick to.. but a lot of what we were as a couple has completely changed. I've changed in a lot of different ways. We spend a LOT more time apart doing our own thing. I want different things out of my life than I did before.

At the risk of being labled controling...I've got to say that this would normally be a difficult thing for ANY couple to survive. Like you've said, you changed completely...and he has the choice to either change with you, or move on. In a way, that's very selfish (I'm not saying it's not within your rights as a human being of course!), but I do understand why you want to do it for yourself.

The thing is, there are many ways to be healthy without completely disrupting your marriage, and a wholesale change of your entire lifestyle without the real approval/consent/appreciation of the person you've promised to spend your life with...isn't very fair.

Again, I'm not saying you're wrong...I'm just saying that I can certainly see where insecurities, and even separation or divorce could result.

As an example...my last girlfriend and I had very different visions of my goals for myself. I want more lean mass, in my shoulders and chest particularly, and a slightly lower bodyfat. She preferred me as/is. Understand, this was just a girlfriend (committed, but no talk of marriage yet)...but my level of respect for her, and my level of respect for our relationship and her wants/needs in it...would have led me to compromise my goals to help her feel comfortable. Happily compromise my goals, I might add. I am secure enough in myself that giving that to her, would have taken nothing from me.

That's what being 'together' is about for me. If I wanted to make all my own choices without having to consider someone elses feelings or reactions, I'd stay single.

shbretired · May 2012

Hm.. he goes along with buying the stuff, but afraid if you get too hot, you'll dump him.:embarassed:

I'd tell him, drop the verbal abuse, or for sure when you're done, you'll replace him for a NICER model. :devil:

[ lmao at punch him in the junk ]:bigsmile:

w1thh3art · May 2012

I find many guys are critical because it is thier way to control women.

I don't know if that's the case with this guy, but AMEN! You have absolutely hit the nail on the head. Control.

You have absolutely made an absolutely false blanket statement about all men.

Bravo.

She didn't say all she said many, and unfortunately, it is true.

That is entirely possible.

I will also add, that many women are judgmental and very quick to throw the 'control' argument out there. It's a lable that's applied to far, far too many men...often without anything but incidental evidence.

I think we've lost sight of the topic at hand which is, in my opinion, (and you don't have to agree) that this man sounds controlling. Please understand that that statement is by no means an insult or judgement of you personally as I don't know you.

crisanderson27 · May 2012

I find many guys are critical because it is thier way to control women.

I don't know if that's the case with this guy, but AMEN! You have absolutely hit the nail on the head. Control.

You have absolutely made an absolutely false blanket statement about all men.

Bravo.

She didn't say all she said many, and unfortunately, it is true.

That is entirely possible.

I will also add, that many women are judgmental and very quick to throw the 'control' argument out there. It's a lable that's applied to far, far too many men...often without anything but incidental evidence.

I think we've lost sight of the topic at hand which is, in my opinion, (and you don't have to agree) that this man sounds controlling. Please understand that that statement is by no means an insult or judgement of you personally as I don't know you.

Insecurity can often lead to control type behavior (it's human nature to try to control ones environment for mental, physical, or emotional stability...after as many years as they've been together...she's definitely a 'part' of his environment), and I agree that some of those behaviors are present...but I don't think I'd lable him 'controlling' as a person.

Certainly not without a lot more information.

And no worries, I didn't take your comment personally (though I thank you for clarifying)! The internet is very poor at translating tone...and even then, I'm a very passionate person about most things I believe lol.

Love your tattoo by the way...collar bone tattoos are very beautiful if done properly.

littlepinkhearts · May 2012

But with that being just a short version of the list of stuff we no longer do together - look at all the lifestyle changes I've caused for him! Not to mention that he is aware I have a lot more confidence now and appreciate the second looks I now get. He's mostly embraced the clean, no red meat, wheat free, quinoa and vegetable diet I try and stick to.. but a lot of what we were as a couple has completely changed. I've changed in a lot of different ways. We spend a LOT more time apart doing our own thing. I want different things out of my life than I did before.

At the risk of being labled controling...I've got to say that this would normally be a difficult thing for ANY couple to survive. Like you've said, you changed completely...and he has the choice to either change with you, or move on. In a way, that's very selfish (I'm not saying it's not within your rights as a human being of course!), but I do understand why you want to do it for yourself.

The thing is, there are many ways to be healthy without completely disrupting your marriage, and a wholesale change of your entire lifestyle without the real approval/consent/appreciation of the person you've promised to spend your life with...isn't very fair.

Again, I'm not saying you're wrong...I'm just saying that I can certainly see where insecurities, and even separation or divorce could result.

As an example...my last girlfriend and I had very different visions of my goals for myself. I want more lean mass, in my shoulders and chest particularly, and a slightly lower bodyfat. She preferred me as/is. Understand, this was just a girlfriend (committed, but no talk of marriage yet)...but my level of respect for her, and my level of respect for our relationship and her wants/needs in it...would have led me to compromise my goals to help her feel comfortable. Happily compromise my goals, I might add. I am secure enough in myself that giving that to her, would have taken nothing from me.

That's what being 'together' is about for me. If I wanted to make all my own choices without having to consider someone elses feelings or reactions, I'd stay single.

Dear Cris....I honestly don't think you could come across as controlling even if you tried.....and the reason being? because you aren't. It's so obvious in your mannerisms and words even in type. Unfortunately, not all men have the gentle qualities and insight that you seem to have acquired. My guess would be that you possess many other "skills" which should be bottled and put in a tablet form for others of the male species to consume or perhaps OD on haha. In the meantime, the many other lesser forms of men will continue to walk the earth contaminating relationships in large numbers. Just be happy you're not one of them :flowerforyou:

Danielle_2013 · May 2012

But with that being just a short version of the list of stuff we no longer do together - look at all the lifestyle changes I've caused for him! Not to mention that he is aware I have a lot more confidence now and appreciate the second looks I now get. He's mostly embraced the clean, no red meat, wheat free, quinoa and vegetable diet I try and stick to.. but a lot of what we were as a couple has completely changed. I've changed in a lot of different ways. We spend a LOT more time apart doing our own thing. I want different things out of my life than I did before.

At the risk of being labled controling...I've got to say that this would normally be a difficult thing for ANY couple to survive. Like you've said, you changed completely...and he has the choice to either change with you, or move on. In a way, that's very selfish (I'm not saying it's not within your rights as a human being of course!), but I do understand why you want to do it for yourself.

The thing is, there are many ways to be healthy without completely disrupting your marriage, and a wholesale change of your entire lifestyle without the real approval/consent/appreciation of the person you've promised to spend your life with...isn't very fair.

Again, I'm not saying you're wrong...I'm just saying that I can certainly see where insecurities, and even separation or divorce could result.

As an example...my last girlfriend and I had very different visions of my goals for myself. I want more lean mass, in my shoulders and chest particularly, and a slightly lower bodyfat. She preferred me as/is. Understand, this was just a girlfriend (committed, but no talk of marriage yet)...but my level of respect for her, and my level of respect for our relationship and her wants/needs in it...would have led me to compromise my goals to help her feel comfortable. Happily compromise my goals, I might add. I am secure enough in myself that giving that to her, would have taken nothing from me.

That's what being 'together' is about for me. If I wanted to make all my own choices without having to consider someone elses feelings or reactions, I'd stay single.

I wouldn't personally label you controlling either. You post often and tend to be very insightful. Relationships are complex. I figure couples who can stay on the same page and want the same things for any length of time are quite lucky. Am I being selfish? Probably. Am I taking away from him by not compromising myself? You'd have to ask him. I know I'm a much happier individual nowadays and that actually helps our relationship. But I also think for me there isn't a way to be healthy and change my life without these major shifts. I not only had to change my diet and fitness, but my whole perception of myself and the way I've been for my entire life. I'm not someone who used to be thin and just had 20 pounds to lose. I had to break up with food.

I'm partial to the cold turkey method too I guess!

w1thh3art · May 2012

I find many guys are critical because it is thier way to control women.

I don't know if that's the case with this guy, but AMEN! You have absolutely hit the nail on the head. Control.

You have absolutely made an absolutely false blanket statement about all men.

Bravo.

She didn't say all she said many, and unfortunately, it is true.

That is entirely possible.

I will also add, that many women are judgmental and very quick to throw the 'control' argument out there. It's a lable that's applied to far, far too many men...often without anything but incidental evidence.

I think we've lost sight of the topic at hand which is, in my opinion, (and you don't have to agree) that this man sounds controlling. Please understand that that statement is by no means an insult or judgement of you personally as I don't know you.

Insecurity can often lead to control type behavior (it's human nature to try to control ones environment for mental, physical, or emotional stability...after as many years as they've been together...she's definitely a 'part' of his environment), and I agree that some of those behaviors are present...but I don't think I'd lable him 'controlling' as a person.

Certainly not without a lot more information.

And no worries, I didn't take your comment personally (though I thank you for clarifying)! The internet is very poor at translating tone...and even then, I'm a very passionate person about most things I believe lol.

Love your tattoo by the way...collar bone tattoos are very beautiful if done properly.

You and I both! (passionate about beliefs)

Thanks (tattoo). I'm a big body are lover. :0)

crisanderson27 · May 2012

Dear Cris....I honestly don't think you could come across as controlling even if you tried.....and the reason being? because you aren't. It's so obvious in your mannerisms and words even in type. Unfortunately, not all men have the gentle qualities and insight that you seem to have acquired. My guess would be that you possess many other "skills" which should be bottled and put in a tablet form for others of the male species to consume or perhaps OD on haha. In the meantime, the many other lesser forms of men will continue to walk the earth contaminating relationships in large numbers. Just be happy you're not one of them :flowerforyou:

I wouldn't personally label you controlling either. You post often and tend to be very insightful. Relationships are complex. I figure couples who can stay on the same page and want the same things for any length of time are quite lucky. Am I being selfish? Probably. Am I taking away from him by not compromising myself? You'd have to ask him. I know I'm a much happier individual nowadays and that actually helps our relationship. But I also think for me there isn't a way to be healthy and change my life without these major shifts. I not only had to change my diet and fitness, but my whole perception of myself and the way I've been for my entire life. I'm not someone who used to be thin and just had 20 pounds to lose. I had to break up with food. I'm partial to the cold turkey method too I guess!

:blushing: :flowerforyou:

I wish I knew what you all see as so great. I mean I know I'm not a jerk (well, not in that sense lol)...and I like to think of myself as a 'good guy'...but if I could figure out whatever it is that you women like about me, I'd put a big, fat neon sign with arrows on it and maybe not be single anymore lol. I truly think it's a societal thing. Yesterday I was told I was controlling (and not by just one woman) because I said I wouldn't 'let' a woman pay for our first date, and wouldn't willingly let her pay for a date period lol.

:noway:

At smallerbridesmaid ~

I understand, and of course we can only comment on the information provided (love the internet for that! Not..!), and even then only through the filter of our own experience. I'm sure your reasons are good ones, and I'm sure you wouldn't have made changes without considering the overall happiness of your family.

Sometimes a guy just has to be made to see that you REALLY aren't going anywhere, and that even if his life is going to change...certain amounts of that are normal in a relationship, and rather than falling behind, he should try to catch up. I mean, it's not like the choices you've made (and more specifically, the OP) are unhealthy, or in any other way negative overall, they're just different than the 'norm' for your/their lifesyle.

You are certainly right though, relationships are very complex.

crisanderson27 · May 2012

You and I both! (passionate about beliefs)

Makes for interesting...conversations lol.

Thanks (tattoo). I'm a big body are lover. :0)

Me too...though I only have one at the moment. I'm a firm believer that my own body art should be a product of my own imagination...and to be honest, in the last ten years...I haven't had time to take a deep breath, much less sit down and draw any tattoos for myelf, lol.

Danielle_2013 · May 2012

To be fair and put all the information out there.. I haven't completely ruled out going somewhere/ending our relationship. And that isn't just based on weightloss or lifestyle changes. As we agreed.. relationships ARE complex.

I think that the women who like you on here appreciate your well thought out responses and that you generally seem to respond in a caring and intelligent manner. Your profile picture really doesn't hurt either.
Some women take offense to men acting like traditional "gentlemen" and associate your generosity/feeling of male responsibility with control. Me? I actually like that men and women can be unique from each other and take different roles. I have no need to demand equality or refuse a polite gesture of someone paying for dinner because I've never felt unequal or controlled. I can appreciate that some do though.

w1thh3art · May 2012

You and I both! (passionate about beliefs)

Makes for interesting...conversations lol.

Thanks (tattoo). I'm a big body are lover. :0)

Me too...though I only have one at the moment. I'm a firm believer that my own body art should be a product of my own imagination...and to be honest, in the last ten years...I haven't had time to take a deep breath, much less sit down and draw any tattoos for myelf, lol.

I agree that tattoos should be individual and original. I have 5 tattoos, 2 of which were my own creation, another 2, although they're by no means original or beautiful tattoos, I will never regret because they are my kids names. I have, however, been thinking about a way to present them better (add onto or around them). 1 tattoo is horrid and ridiculous. I got it when I was 17 and didn't want my mom to find out so got a generic chinese symbol on my butt. lol. It's horrid. Thank goodness, most people will never see it!

crisanderson27 · May 2012

You and I both! (passionate about beliefs)

Makes for interesting...conversations lol.

Thanks (tattoo). I'm a big body are lover. :0)

Me too...though I only have one at the moment. I'm a firm believer that my own body art should be a product of my own imagination...and to be honest, in the last ten years...I haven't had time to take a deep breath, much less sit down and draw any tattoos for myelf, lol.

I agree that tattoos should be individual and original. I have 5 tattoos, 2 of which were my own creation, another 2, although they're by no means original or beautiful tattoos, I will never regret because they are my kids names. I have, however, been thinking about a way to present them better (add onto or around them). 1 tattoo is horrid and ridiculous. I got it when I was 17 and didn't want my mom to find out so got a generic chinese symbol on my butt. lol. It's horrid. Thank goodness, most people will never see it!

I always wondered what tattoo artists who secretly tattoo generic chinese symbols on 17yr old rear ends are thinking, you know?

I think that the women who like you on here appreciate your well thought out responses and that you generally seem to respond in a caring and intelligent manner. Your profile picture really doesn't hurt either.
Some women take offense to men acting like traditional "gentlemen" and associate your generosity/feeling of male responsibility with control. Me? I actually like that men and women can be unique from each other and take different roles. I have no need to demand equality or refuse a polite gesture of someone paying for dinner because I've never felt unequal or controlled. I can appreciate that some do though.

That's very sweet of you, and I can very much relate to the end part. I don't mind the woman I'm with dictating what I wear (within reason of course, I mean SHE has to look at me...lol), or even to some extent many of the things I do, simply BECAUSE I'm so sure of myself and who I am. What do I lose by giving those parts of myself to her? The answer is nothing, I'm still me...I still know I'm me, and to be honest...the only other person in the world who has an opinion that matters to me (other than...me!), is her.

So where's the problem?

Dear I love you but really....

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