Husband is constant opposition!!

calalily77

I started this journey only a few weeks ago and at that point my husband was on board with it all. eating right, working out with me and such. So far he hasn't worked out once and definately has not changed his eating. I know how much of a pain making two meals is but i can't force him to make better choices. He will eat what i cook usually but snack wise he makes his own choices. While i eat fruits and veggies and healthier things he is still eating a bag of chips or something. At first i was really annoyed. But i have learned that i now have the will power to not care and not want to eat it as much. Im only human, I get cravings but i know where i am headed and what i have to do to achieve my goals. My only hope is that he will see my making changes and see my body and energy changing and want to do it for himself as well. Good luck and id say just let him get his own groceries. If I didnt have children to feed, Id be all for letting him deal with cooking on his own and worry about myself.

jaclyn13805

Why Don't you try getting him on a Keto Diet....it's a high fat/protein diet that men tend to enjoy! He will have to eat some vegetables and cut out complex carbohydrates...but my fiance and brother in law (both big ex-college football players) find it very satisfying....Good Luck!

LoViNlIFe0225

Your husband and my husband sound like the same person so I can sympathize! If it was up to my husband everything would be deep fried and covered in salt. I started off making two seperate meals but lets face it...it takes too long, costs too much and you're left with extra dishes! So now I only do the two meals if its something easy...he likes his round steak fried so I bread and fry his and do vegitable stir fry with mine....or I'll have broccoli and he'll have a loaded baked potato but we'll both have grilled chicken. I just found ways to buy a few extra things without having to do a WHOLE EXTRA MEAL...cause that's rough! I also slowly started mixing "healthy" foods in with the foods he likes...like substituting for low fat or whole wheat. The first time I made Spaghetti with whole wheat pasta I was a nervous reck thinking that he would spew it out...but suprisingly enough he didn't even notice. :laugh: I used to always make a vegitable mix with corn, potatoes, squash, tomatoes and a variety of other things...now I just don't add the corn and use sweet potatoes instead...he loves sweet potatoes unless he knows their sweet potatoes! LOL..Funny how that works. Sometimes I'll also just make him a few rolls for dinner and not have them myself. This has worked really well for us! If I'm making broccoli...he gets up and makes his own baked potato. Try to encourage him to be a part of preparation...this is something that worked for us. Something else I do is prepare his plate (I'm sure some people will have something to say about this but my mom always did it for my dad and I just carried it over). Anyways it helps portion control...I also don't cook anymore than we can eat that night and perhaps have a few left over for lunch. Good luck...I feel your pain!

France_is_bacon

I haven't read the whole thread, but I have been where you are! In a previous relationship, my live-in boyfriend was your guy. He used to tell me that vegetables made him nauseous and if I cooked them, just their presence in the house made him feel like vomiting. His mom primarily fed her kids frozen dinners and he was suspicious of anything that didn't come from a sealed box or a bag. He would eat a bag of potato chips and a gallon of ice cream for dinner. He wasn't over weight, but I was concerned about his health. What is ironic is that after we broke up and he lived on his own for a while, he got a job in a restaurant and discovered that he loved to cook, became apprenticed to a chef, and is now a celebrated and successful chef where he lives. He was selected as one of the hot new chefs to watch and won a business award! I now believe that trying to push him made him pull away and that prevented him from opening up to new things.

It's called the push-pull dynamic and it's inevitable in relationships. I believe the same dynamic has occurred in my current relationship regarding other things like the decoration of our home. We've finally resolved that, but not until after we fought a lot. I believed that since fixing up this place was so important to me that if I pushed that he would see how important it is to me and give me leeway to make some changes. That failed to work. He's finally come around, but I had to give up on it entirely and let enough time pass for him to eventually start complaining about how much nicer things could be around here. Now he finally realizes what a mistake he made not encouraging me in the first place, but I blame his parents for having such a contentious relationship that they didn't teach him how to handle these kinds of issues with more wisdom.

Make it a non-issue. He won't come around until you stop pushing. You have to pull away from him in order to make him come to you. It might take time, a year or more, but pushing is just going to make him resist more and harden his position. You have to be water, slowly but steadily doing your peaceful zen thing, eventually cutting into rock until you've made the grand canyon.

This is what I suggest you do. I suggest that the two of you have a serious discussion about both diet and finances. Say that you want to call a truce and that truce is dependent upon two things. The first thing is that you will agree to stop trying to control his diet if he stays within a budget with his meals and that each of you will be responsible for buying and making your own food. The second thing is that you agree to stop nagging him about his health if he stops complaining about the changes that you're trying to make. Tell him that it is okay if he doesn't encourage you but you need him to stop criticizing you because this is something that is very important to you. More than anything, you need for him not to try and prevent you from changing your life and that you believe that your happiness depends on it. Tell him that you're both adults and that you don't have to make the same decisions and that you don't need to control each other just because you love one another. You can love each other and live together and eat different food. Live and let live. Then, follow those rules. Don't give him the side-eye if he eats a gallon of ice cream. Don't roll your eyes at his food or turn up your nose or act snotty towards him. Ignore him if he resists saying anything critical but he gives you the side-eye. You're a bigger person than he is and furthermore, you didn't even notice it. Talk about anything other than food or exercise or health. Make other friends to talk about those things. Do healthy things with those friends. Exclude him from that part of your life but don't make a big deal out of it. At first he might feel like he's won the battle, but if you become fit and healthy and you have an active lifestyle and make friends that you share a healthier part of your life with, it's difficult to continue feeling like he's won anything at all and he may come around to realizing that he actually lost.

I suspect that he'll end up trying to push you at first, test you, maybe break the rules you've set forth because not controlling you is probably as hard as you not controlling him, but he'll eventually give up and then once it's no longer a battle, he might come around on his own. At the very least you'll have found peace in your home, your finances will be better off, you won't be wasting your time on a guy who doesn't appreciate the time you spend cooking, and he won't be trying to undermine your efforts.

stargazer008

If he won't eat anything that grows from the ground then he should be eating nothing since all of us depend on plants to feed us. Animals people eat also eat plants to nourish them. All food sources come from plants.

steph124ny

Just got to say...not a chance in Hell I would cook 2 meals. Eat what I make or starve. And if you do the grocery shopping and don't buy junk, then he won't have junk to eat. If he is motivated enough to go buy his own junk food, then there is nothing you can do...but somehow I doubt it.

lizziebeth1028

Let him make his own dinner! Maybe one night a week cook something that you know he really likes (just to keep the peace). But the other 6 days let him fend for himself!

Jackie82782

I totally agree with the therapy thing, because it is clear that he is unwilling to see that he is in the wrong. You are making a very difficult life change that will bring AMAZING results, mentally, physically, emotionally, all of the above and as your husband he needs to support that. I cannot believe that you go as far as to buy separate groceries and prepare separate meals. I'd say if it needs to be that way then maybe he doesn't need a wife. If he truly loves you, he will try, even if it hurts, to be healthier. There are no cons to being healthy and longevity. You are beautiful and deserve the best, do whatever you need to to get that.

bdo7

Well, here's a different perspective... for what it's worth.

It seems every post here is telling you either to (A) try to force your husband to change, or (B) have a "food divorce" in which you cook, shop, and eat your meals as a single person. Personally, I think that either of these two options might do irreparable harm to your marriage. (I don't know how you feel about your marriage outside of your weight-loss goals, so I'm going to assume you want to keep it intact.)

My suggestion - and I hope you won't see this as "sabotage" - is to meet him halfway. There's two ways you cando it:

1. Eat healthy (both of you) on certain days, and eat "junk" (both of you) on other days. You can decide whether it's 4 days of healthy / 3 days of junk in a week, or whatever.

2. Mix it up each day. Healthy breakfast, pizza for dinner, something like that.

Here's the thing: you will be healthier than you USED to be, and so will he. And the stress will be gone.

True, you won't be reaching your goals as quickly, but you won't be doing it alone, either. If he's calling you "food nazi," then there is a chance that you're going at it with a bit too much vigor anyway. Try and see it from his perspective. If he thinks you're going overboard, wellllll... maybe you are, lol.

At the same time, his "zero compromise" position is not helping anything. I think you both need to find a happy medium, a place where you both can live healthy lives and be happy. Let's be honest - you don't need to go full-bore to be healthier than most people. Some people take it too far. you just need some common sense.

Let me prove it: my wife and I are both on MFP and both losing weight.... she's coming up on 20 pounds lost this year, and I've actually passed that already. Now, here's the thing: we are eating fast food, pizza, Mexican food, ice cream, candy, and all that "junk" (that we love!) as well as salads, whole grains, grilled chicken, and all the "good" stuff. To be honest, we eat more "junk" than anything else, and we're BOTH LOSING WEIGHT and getting in better shape. It's the AMOUNT you eat that makes all the difference. And here's the thing - we're both happy with our diet and with each other.

You are not just sharing a house or a kitchen with this man- you are sharing your life with him. Assuming you want to keep doing so, I would suggest attempting to compromise a little. That's just my advice, feel free to ignore it.

P.S. I know there are some hard-core fitness folks on here who will be aghast at what I'm saying here, because they think it's "all or nothing." Personally, I think that mindset is dangerous. Obsession is obsession, whether it's with drugs, eating, gambling, sex, or even diet and exercise (constantly monitoring BMI, weighing every day, wearing a heart rate monitor all the time, etc). Relax, live your life, and be sure to have fun along the way. I'm 22 pounds down since February, and I'm eating all my favorite foods (in moderation), so I really don't care what the "hard-core" have to say.

God bless you, and I hope it works out for you two!

glovepuppet

why should he eat healthy stuff if he honestly doesn't want to? why should she eat unhealthy stuff? she's more likely to just start resenting him for damaging her health and holding her back.

it's hardly a ''food divorce'' for two people to prepare their own foods if they like different things, unless you're a total drama queen. he's just as capable of sticking a pizza in the oven as she is.

texastango

He claims that he absolutely cannot stand to eat anything that "grows from the ground". Sometimes I tell myself to just ignore it and let him figure it out for himself because he gets mad when I bring it up. BUT...he's a huge obstacle for me achieving my weight loss goalsWHAT DO I DO???? It's like talking to a brick wall when I try to reason with him. Sometimes I think he wants me to be fat. He even makes me feel bad, calling me the "health Nazi" and saying I'm obsessed with my weight and that's no way to live.

HELP!!

So here's a story. First, I understand your difficulty. Years ago - decades ago - 1980s to be exact - a woman I dated was a health food "nut". She was into Organic everything, pure everything, stone cut oats, etc. I was an Athelete who was very active and going to medical school. I resisted her attempts to change the way I ate. I thought in 1980 - when I didn't have a weight issue - that eating "healthy" was some sort of religious cult.

Fast Forward - boy how things have changed. If she were around today I would have told her how ahead of her time she was. I would tell her how I wish I had listened to her many years ago. I would have learned a lot and realized that she was just trying to help me and take care of my insides!

Check out my photos on my profile. It doesn't tell the entire story. My ticker says 72 lbs lost but it's more like 80 lbs. I put several back on - on purpose - because I lost extra weight almost getting addicted to the idea of losing...but also just to see how low I could go within reason. When it didn't look good anymore I said enough. Losing lean muscle mass is unhealthy too. Maybe worse than being obese and fit. (proven fact and I have the references).

So when I started with MFP my focus was just eating less and losing weight. It worked, but in the process I educated myself - in a big way. Many nutritionists I work with say I could lecture on the subject. That's how crazy it's gotten. I'll link you a video for you that you might find interesting. it's medical, but you'll get something out of it.

Bottom line is that it took me deciding to change to change. When I did educate myself, I was appauled that I hadn't taken eating healthy more seriously much earlier. It's been less than a year and you can see via my photos that even at my age...transformation is possible.

Now I would have never discouraged your getting healthy. I just might not have done it for myself till I saw the results on you. So perhaps when he sees you getting fit and trim it will change his mind...have him check out my page. I'd be happy to talk to him. If he thinks it's not cool...I have several friends that are professional atheletes who would tell him they realized after retiring that they wanted to do the same thing I was doing.....one of them is so famous that everyone in the US that knows anything about the sport he participated in would know him. He actually said to me "What are you doing....I want to do it". He's been all over TV and your husband would know him. He'd be shocked to hear who it is. Bottom line....we all need to edcuate ourselves to eat better. It takes a mind set. Just do what you have to do to eat well and let him watch the results. If I think of something better I'll let you know.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SYCPQz9nhQs&feature=youtube_gdata_player


Created by MyFitnessPal.com - Nutrition Facts For Foods

Jenlwb

I know the personality type, although not to anywhere near that extreme. He and I have mostly cooked separately due to shift work and different tastes, but I have noticed my healthy influence affecting his cooking. He's also the type to rebel if pushed, but if you leave him to it he'll gradually figure it out.

One thing's for sure, if two people are working full time, there's no reason one person should cook 2 dinners. The more you put your foot down and value yourself, the more he will respect you. Good luck, it's a tricky situation I'm sure.

glovepuppet

One thing's for sure, if two people are working full time, there's no reason one person should cook 2 dinners.

exactly.

madamepsychosis

Just come home and yell:

THIS IS THE HEALTHY EATING TRAIN, GET ON IT, OR GET UNDER IT!

Then when he starts to say something just start yelling

WOO WOO!

Yeah, that didnt work for me either, but it was fun to say.

OP, please PLEASE do this. I laughed so hard, I nearly fell out of my chair.

I always think that, in any relationship, when one person makes a concentrated effort to better themselves in any way, hostility from the other person (if it occurs) is partially because of guilt. I'm sure your husband KNOWS that his eating habits are problematic, but rather than nip them in the bud like you did, he attempts to justify his habits by making out that you're the one with the problem, calling you a health Nazi and such. You changing your lifestyle is causing him to realise that his own isn't ideal.

My boyfriend (who is pretty healthy himself, he's doing his first half marathon next week) and I are moving in together soon. At the moment, we normally eat the same thing, because we don't see each other every day, so we cook together. However, we've both said that when we do live together, we'll probably make our own separate meals apart from if we specifically want to cook a meal together. I'm a vegetarian and while he actually enjoys the food I eat, there are times he wants meat (which I won't buy or touch). I'm happy for us to buy and prepare our own food, like someone said earlier on here, live like roommates in that sense.

However, the difference is that he and I both make our own money and have different schedules. Dealing with our own dinner just makes sense. I don't know if you work or not, so while I'm personally inclined to say "It's 2012, he can cook his own damn dinner", if he works and you take care of the home, I can understand why that may make you feel guilty.

My advice is NOT to derail your own positive changes. You're doing really well and it would be a real shame for you to slip back into a lifestyle that is going to be harmful to BOTH of you in the long run. A lot of people have suggested making him buy and prepare his own food, which I would certainly want him to do, but if that really doesn't sit right with you, find healthier options for the things he wants - light dressing, skim milk cheese, low cal brownies etc. Have a heart to heart with him if you feel it's needed, but be prepared for the fact that things may not change. He needs to want to change himself.

Barbqn

How's it going with you and your hubsand at mealtime? Just wondering what you decided to do and if you are feeling better about things.
I hope so.

amberlynyeager

Personally I believe in leading by example. Like others have said, make dinner, and make enough for him, if he wants to change it, so be it, but you gave him a healthy choice. I know for me, my boyfriend is obese such as myself, and I have gotten in this, and have lost some weight, ended up having to make a new profile, because I forgot the password to my old one (how brainless can someone get!), but I have lost some weight so far. He's noticing the weight loss, I've gotten him to join now too! I cook for the both of us, and he eats it, telling me that he can not believe that he actually likes food that I make! He is not a veggie eater either, but I got him to eat a lot of veggies without even knowing it!! I made a Turkey meatloaf, with lean ground turkey, and I put half a cup of crushed corn flakes and one egg white in it, normal meatloaf stuff, but I also chopped up two cups of veggies and threw them in there too!! Baked it with the tomato sauce, and he loved it, not knowing he was getting his veggies :laugh: :happy: I am still really excited about that! I'll continue to do it too!

amberm912

I think a lot of people here are missing the point.

You do cook healthy meals and he does ignore them and goes out and buys his own junk food "because he is not full".

I am going to give you a few incidents from my perspective.

When I was really in a bad place food wise, I would eat fast food for breakfast lunch and then after work I would grab a burger because I knew my wife was going to make something low fat and healthy and that it wouldn't fill me up. I did this all the time, it was a beginning of an over eating disorder. Sometimes my wife would make me lunch and I would just toss it and go buy food on a credit card and eat out with a buddy at work. then I would get my usual pre dinner dinner. I would get home, tell my wife YUM that was awesome and then think nothing of it.

Sounds like maybe your husband is kind of doing the opposite, lashing out on your change of behavior and being insecure about it which in turn he is probably turning the stress into eating the crap.

That is a possibility, or he is just a douche and is purposefully resisting your attempts at a healthy lifestyle for all the same reasons significant others do that (insecurity - thinking that you are bettering yourself and moving on from them and so forth)

Or you can be over exaggerating and you were triggered from one or two occasions that he did not like your cooking... who knows.

I lean towards the beginning of an over eating disorder simply because he is showing a lot of signs of stress eating...

A few suggestions:

Make a budget, if the double grocery shopping is causing a problem - show him that you have to cut back on other expenses to make ends meat like entertainment and so on

Now, I am not condoning any sort of stupidity like withholding sexual activity BUT, maybe address his sexuality and reaffirm that you think he is sexy and that you are working on toning up and losing weight to improve your sex life. It is amazing how stupid us men can be and we would go for that

The bottom line is; it is your body and you cannot use his behavior as an excuse to stop you from becoming a healthier you. That could very well be a possibility with this too but from the looks of it probably not. If you have to make separate meals and you don't feel its necessary communicate with him and let him know that he has to start making his own food.

Quite honestly though if none of the above work this would be a deal breaker for me. This would show an obvious lack of compassion and ability to compromise if he was resistant on you becoming healthier and but before you call the divorce attorney I would suggest exploring the idea that he may be stressed out, creating an eating disorder, enveloped in his own insecurity or he is simply an *kitten* hat.

Good luck I don't envy you! My wife is thankfully 90% supportive about all this !

probably best advice yet :-)---& My boyfriend is the SAME EXACT way as your husband...I know how much he wants to get back into shape and work out...he just has no drive or motivation to do it...but everyone has to want it for themselves...Its kinda of a jealously thing which then causes the stress eating...Dont give up! He has to want to change...you cant want it for him. Maybe work his way into working out first...rather than the food change...sometimes thats the hardest for some people :-)

p.s. My boyfriend makes fun of me and gets annoyed from time to time bc I dont eat his unhealthy foods, or the fact I count calories now...But the other day I went on a 1.5 hour hike alone and little did I know when I get back to my truck, there is a text message waiting for me..."Keep going as long as you can, work your *kitten* off and you'll be exactly where you wanna be down the road. I am proud of you for sticking to it even though I mess with you :-)))" - Im sure he "secretly supports you" as does mine. He wants so bad to do it, but its hard to just stop the unhealthy habits youve grown to love so easily if you dont have the willpower :-) ...He probably wants it as bad as you do! Hang in there Im sure he'll come around...Just try and help give him a little push :-) I always used my boyfriend and kids as an excuse as to why I couldnt eat healthy and why I gained all the weight I lost two years ago back...but truly its my body and my mouth...I chose what goes in there no one else!...So now...almost 2 months in and almost 20lbs down...there is no turning back... Small Steps can still go a long way! :-)

amberm912

I always think that, in any relationship, when one person makes a concentrated effort to better themselves in any way, hostility from the other person (if it occurs) is partially because of guilt. I'm sure your husband KNOWS that his eating habits are problematic, but rather than nip them in the bud like you did, he attempts to justify his habits by making out that you're the one with the problem, calling you a health Nazi and such. You changing your lifestyle is causing him to realise that his own isn't ideal.


Have a heart to heart with him if you feel it's needed, but be prepared for the fact that things may not change. He needs to want to change himself.

^^^THIS ALSO

bear73000

I agree with a lot of the others. You shop and cook what you want. If he doesn't like it, it sounds like he knows where else he can get food.

It sounds like you are in a miserable spot. To be 100% honest, it sounds like time for some really tough love and decision to be made about your future.

Hope it works out for you and your husband.

myfitnessnmhoy

spend a good chunk of my day planning meals and cooking (even though I work full time).

Then you and hubby need to have a talk about household responsibilities unless he has enough household chores to make up for the fact that you're an equal-time breadwinner. If both of you are working full-time, then the household chores should be shared. If you're having to prepare TWO meals, then it may be time to tell him that he needs to shop for and prepare his own meals if what you cook isn't good enough for him.

My wife and I are going through a "workload transition", my daughter is 9 and my wife accepted a part-time job a couple of months ago. We're currently working on shuffling things so I take on more stuff around the house. I'm by no means perfect about it, and I slip into old habits easily, but I'm trying.