Teenaged Girls Fashion
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I TOTALLY understand where your coming from...but I think at her age (16) she should be learning those lady things in life called "walking in heels" now that doesnt mean she should be wearing full on stripper stilettos but a nice pump or wedge is fine if she can carry it off. But in the end you are her mom and your guidance is what she should follow and listen to. She willl survive ...she doesnt need to "follow her peers in every aspect of fashion"....But dont press to much because even though she is a minor ..here in the US children can quit school and move out at 16....try to be understanding and give choices rather than a simple "yes or no"...Im sure you would rather be part of her choice than beng lied to and she just wears them when your not around0
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I guess I would have to see a picture of the entire outfit in question to determine if it is inappropriate for a 16 year old girl. But who paid for it? If it was you than I think you have every right as a parent to dictate what she can buy. If she is mature enough to have a job and buy her own things than she is mature enough to make decisions about the things she buys. For my senior prom I wore stripper shoes but I had a floor length dress that was too long and I needed the height so it wouldn't drag. But I also had a job and paid for them myself and I was 18. I have a lot of very sky-high heels that I think would be inappropriate for a 16 year old to wear. Unfortunatley perceptions can become reality especially if a 16 year old isn't mature enough to handle the consequences of the image she portrays.0
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I'm 19, so 16 wasn't too long ago. My parents were strict with me on everything other than clothes. I was allowed to wear whatever I wanted. Decided one day to get like 4" heels. Absolutely tore up my feet. Never wore anything like that again. I say let her wear them. Most likely she'll just be taking them off in like an hour anyway. Now, if her dress was skanky, then that's a different story. I don't see the huge deal with shoes.0
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"Just to be clear, it was my daughter that posted the photos, not me, so I could see the dress and shoes the night she bought it....she was excited to show me, and was away from home for the night......"
I feel bad for her that she was so excited to show you and you shut her down
After reading most of the comments and your responses, it kind of seems that you are trying get people on your side, rather that ask for genuine opinions.
Having said all this, I see your point but I still think you're more wrong than right. You probably would have gotten a more positive response if you didn't suggest that your daughter looked like a stripper and that parents should be ashamed of their children. But meh.
I am not `trying to get people on my side
I stated right in the OP that I was not changing my mind.....what I was actually looking for was opinions about who lets their kids dress like that, and why, and that there are some that agree with me, as I know I can not be the only one, like my daughter had thought.....
And I never said she looked like a stripper.....I said, some 16 year old dress like strippers, NOT my daughter, never.....
And that's fine. But you should know: I was a good student, never missed school, never drank or did drugs, dressed modestly, and my mom criticized constantly. Your daughter knows kids who skip school, never study, drink, do drugs, dress in very little and get pregnant. EVERY TEEN DOES. I did. And because my mom didn't pick her battles and criticized everything I got a clear (and I know now, unintended) message that she didn't appreciate that I was a good kid. So when I moved out I pretty much ended our relationship. I didn't visit and never saw her except at family gatherings, did not give her my phone number and sometimes address. She's been dead five years and I feel closer to her now than when she was alive. If this is what you want for your self and your daughter, keep doing what you're doing. Otherwise, pick your battles. Shoes, hair length and color, these are not important in the grand scheme and will only send the message that she's not accepted by you as she is.0 -
It seems a lot of people think super tall heels= stripper heels, which is TOTALLY not true. I have plenty of pairs of 5 inch heels, none of which could even remotely be considered stripper heels. They're not patent leather platforms or lucite.
But anyway, when I was in high school, I honestly don't remember my parents ever giving me any kind of rules when it came to what I wore. My high school didn't have much of a dress code at the time (it's apparently pretty strict now), so I wore whatever I wanted: shorts that were probably what a lot of you would consider to be too short (although my butt was never showing or anything like that), tube top dresses (not super short or anything, and not skin tight), tall heels, tank tops, whatever. I wasn't dressed provocatively, I was dressed basically how every other teenage girl was dressed.
When it came to shoes, I've always loved them so I've had quite the collection of heels since I learned how to walk in them. My parents never took any issue to how tall they were. They would buy clothes and shoes for me that they approved of and if it was some super tall pair of heels or something, I had to buy them with my own money (I began earning an allowance for doing chores when I was 5--never spent any of it until I was like 12). I feel like whatever is appropriate for a woman my age (27) to wear out in public is appropriate for a 16 year old to wear too...it's not appropriate for me to dress like a streetwalker either, or have my boobs hanging out, or have my butt hanging out, or whatever. But shoes...eh, I don't see what the big deal is.0 -
I rarely wear heels on a night out, but bought my first pair aged 15 without my parent's knowledge and wore them quite a few times. Unfortunately (for parents, not teens), you can't control everything. I was raised to manage my own expenses from a young enough age and have a lot of free reign to do as I please, the first time either of them saw me in heels was this year.
You need to give her some space and some calmer boundaries. She's a teen, better she learns that heels suck now rather than in 4 years when she's let loose on the world.0 -
I'm 22. So definitely a little biased in this situation. But here it goes....
They're just SHOES!!! Just because the heel is really high, doesn't mean she is going to act indecently, or present herself in a manner that is inappropriate. And if they are her first pair of really high heels, I am sure that in a few hours after wearing them she will be wishing she listened to you anyway. haha. Probably not the most comfortable.
But she is 16, give her the opportunity to make some of her own decisions. Shoes aren't going to kill her regardless of how high they are. So don't sweat it.0 -
And that's fine. But you should know: I was a good student, never missed school, never drank or did drugs, dressed modestly, and my mom criticized constantly. Your daughter knows kids who skip school, never study, drink, do drugs, dress in very little and get pregnant. EVERY TEEN DOES. I did. And because my mom didn't pick her battles and criticized everything I got a clear (and I know now, unintended) message that she didn't appreciate that I was a good kid. So when I moved out I pretty much ended our relationship. I didn't visit and never saw her except at family gatherings, did not give her my phone number and sometimes address. She's been dead five years and I feel closer to her now than when she was alive. If this is what you want for your self and your daughter, keep doing what you're doing. Otherwise, pick your battles. Shoes, hair length and color, these are not important in the grand scheme and will only send the message that she's not accepted by you as she is.
You know, I SERIOUSLY appreciate my parents for the way they handled me as a teenager. I was a good student, didn't skip class, etc (ok I drank at parties a few times), and in return my parents kinda just let me use my best judgement when it came to how I dress, do my hair, etc. It was like they appreciated that I could make good choices on my own, so they gave me the privilege and responsibility of making more choices for myself. On the flip-side, my sister made TERRIBLE choices for herself at every opportunity, so my parents were constantly on her about everything. I pretty much learned that if you make the right choices and show that you are responsible, you get more freedom, make crap choices and act irresponsibly, no freedom for you. Worked pretty well for me, I'd say.0 -
4 inch heels make stripper shoes? Seriously, way to teach your impressionable child to make harsh, incorrect, and insulting judgement based on the clothing a person is wearing. I can understand not wanting a teenager to expose cleavage, stomach, and excess leg, but high heels don't expose anything. You are just being judgmental and insulting. You will be pushing your child away from you and causing more rebellion by having unfounded rules.0
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I am 24 years old and I LOVE shoes. I have had an obsession with them since I was very young. My mother is also obsessed with heels the more daring the better. I would pine for the day she would lend me a specific pair of shoes. However, she would not let me come near the shoes that looked too inappropriate with my outfit. My mom used to buy me a special outfit when she knew I would be in stiuations where other girls might be dressed inappropriately. For example, at sport car washes I was NEVER the girl bopping up and down in a bathing suit. Rather, she would buy adorable shorts and a bada** shirt so I didn't feel like I wasn't looking cool. I never realized how much I appreciated this until recently. She might feel pressured now but it's kind of nice to have the excuse that mom wouldn't let her wear something.
As for the five inch heels maybe go looking for a cuter more appropriate alternative. Or let her learn her lesson and make sure she carries a pair of flip flops. I can guarantee that she will ditch the shoes at the first opportunity and throw on her flip flops.
(That's another thing my mother instilled in me, I will never go barefoot at an event just because my feet hurt. My mother would first make me walk around the house in the heels to make sure I knew how to walk in them and then I carried a smart pair of flip flops for those rare occasions when I couldn't stand the shoes. I wear ridiculously high heels and often get compliments of how well I walk in them and it's all because of my mother.)0 -
All I can say is BE CAREFUL.
My mother was a lot like you when I was growing up, and I was a wonderful child that listened to every bit of advice she had on my life. Until I decided I had enough and picked up and moved over 3000 miles away with some idiot I met online, without even mentioning it to her, I literally disappeared and my parents had no idea where I went.
Just please, don't be too overbearing, it can cause her to snap when she finally gets sick of it.
I bet that went super well.... ha!
By the way, way to be ungrateful to your parents and leave without giving them notice, I bet they were terrified and so worried about you. Or maybe after reading this maybe they were relieved you left? Who knows?
Oh god trust me, I've regretted that stupid choice for the last 8 years of my life. I had never done anything like that in my life and still do this day can't figure out why I did. I was a stupid 16 year old child, that's the only reasoning behind it I can find.
Terrified would be an understatement, I'm the only child, and I'm also adopted. My mother and I have one of the greatest relationships ever since that horrible choice, (years later.). But my point was that if you keep stressing your child and continue to be that overbearing most kids are going to snap and do something stupid.
As I've related, my "rebellion" wasn't so dramatic. But I'll tell you this, I SURE don't regret it. My mom didn't appreciate me, and, quite frankly, respect goes both ways. She called my friends and tried to get my phone number, she wanted a relationship. But even at those family get-togethers, all she could is pick at my choices. "Your hair is too short," "you shouldn't color your hair," "that shirt is a bad color for you." Are the shoes really worth risking the relationship?0 -
Just curious why you need to know what other parents do if you won't even consider changing your mind or reconsidering. I kind of feel bad for your daughter! If you are so hell bent on not letting her wear high heels, what else are you keeping her from? Kids need to grow up and learn lessons. Let her learn her own.0
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I have to laugh because most people answering this are still teens, just got out of the teens, older with no children, or older with children they treat as friends instead of children.
NO WAY in my household growing up would my father allow me to buy stripper shoes. It didn't matter if it was a trend or not. His money, his say. I bought my first pair of sexy shoes when I was 17 because I had a job and bought them myself. Everyone says oh she's 16, let her do what she wants. That's the problem these days. She is still a child. Her brain is not mature enough to make rational decisions on her own. She is using YOUR money (unless she has a job) to buy these things.
People say that clothing is just made that way now. No, it's not. Parents are just too lazy to look for appropriate clothes or too afraid to say no to their little special snowflake. I've seen shorts that don't look like jean underwear. I've seen tops that aren't skin tight. I've seen skirts that don't threaten to show vag.
Yes, teens are going to be *****y, cranky, snarky, and rebel....but until they move out, they have to follow your rules.
THIS^^^
I have a 2 year old daughter, so thankfully I have a while before I have to deal with these types of situations. BUT... When I was growing up my parents were very strict with me. Sure, I resented them at the time and thought their sole purpose in life was to make mine miserable (and they did a good job!) but now, as an adult and parent myself, I realize why they were like that and appreciate their rules and boundaries. And am enforcing the same types of rules and boundaries for my own 3 kids. It's MY house, *I* pay the bills, supply the clothes, etc. Therefore, I have final say in what will or will not be worn.
This
My parents made me miserable as a teen, Life sucked....I had rules and I thought they were unfair and cruel, My others friends parents let them do what ever they wanted too, They were cool!!......fasforward years later and I thanked them.
My friends with the cool parents that let them hang out at all hours of the night with whom ever they wanted.....Got brought down to jail for questionning after steeling a car, and being involved in a B&E. They were minors! most didnt have their permits yet. Some chose to keep going down that road.Sad. Needless I went on to choose better friends.....
I have a daughter (9) and would impose similar rules, If I find it is not appropriate, you arent wearing it. period.
Thank Goodness for long winters in Canada, some of these little girls i see walking around in the summer would put strippers to shame! Makes me sad since the attention they get is the wrong kind of attention.
At 16 you are not a woman! you may have all the functioning parts, but you are far off from being and adult. You are in fact a young lady, and should dress like one.
Your house, your rules. i don't think they are unreasonable. 0 -
And that's fine. But you should know: I was a good student, never missed school, never drank or did drugs, dressed modestly, and my mom criticized constantly. Your daughter knows kids who skip school, never study, drink, do drugs, dress in very little and get pregnant. EVERY TEEN DOES. I did. And because my mom didn't pick her battles and criticized everything I got a clear (and I know now, unintended) message that she didn't appreciate that I was a good kid. So when I moved out I pretty much ended our relationship. I didn't visit and never saw her except at family gatherings, did not give her my phone number and sometimes address. She's been dead five years and I feel closer to her now than when she was alive. If this is what you want for your self and your daughter, keep doing what you're doing. Otherwise, pick your battles. Shoes, hair length and color, these are not important in the grand scheme and will only send the message that she's not accepted by you as she is.
You know, I SERIOUSLY appreciate my parents for the way they handled me as a teenager. I was a good student, didn't skip class, etc (ok I drank at parties a few times), and in return my parents kinda just let me use my best judgement when it came to how I dress, do my hair, etc. It was like they appreciated that I could make good choices on my own, so they gave me the privilege and responsibility of making more choices for myself. On the flip-side, my sister made TERRIBLE choices for herself at every opportunity, so my parents were constantly on her about everything. I pretty much learned that if you make the right choices and show that you are responsible, you get more freedom, make crap choices and act irresponsibly, no freedom for you. Worked pretty well for me, I'd say.
I'm glad for you that your mom appreciated you. Mine didn't. I made good choices where it counted. In fact, you claim you drank at parties. This is a WAY bigger deal that what shoes you choose or how you wear your hair. And controlling things like that show disrespect for your kids. Why should kids respect you if you don't respect them?0 -
I have to laugh because most people answering this are still teens, just got out of the teens, older with no children, or older with children they treat as friends instead of children.
IOW, all these other people are people who are not like me so naturally they are not as good as me. They are young or old, don't have children or have children but don't raise them as I think is best. None of these people are as smart as me and people who agree with me.
I have to laugh.0 -
I have to laugh because most people answering this are still teens, just got out of the teens, older with no children, or older with children they treat as friends instead of children.
NO WAY in my household growing up would my father allow me to buy stripper shoes. It didn't matter if it was a trend or not. His money, his say. I bought my first pair of sexy shoes when I was 17 because I had a job and bought them myself. Everyone says oh she's 16, let her do what she wants. That's the problem these days. She is still a child. Her brain is not mature enough to make rational decisions on her own. She is using YOUR money (unless she has a job) to buy these things.
People say that clothing is just made that way now. No, it's not. Parents are just too lazy to look for appropriate clothes or too afraid to say no to their little special snowflake. I've seen shorts that don't look like jean underwear. I've seen tops that aren't skin tight. I've seen skirts that don't threaten to show vag.
Yes, teens are going to be *****y, cranky, snarky, and rebel....but until they move out, they have to follow your rules.
THIS^^^
I have a 2 year old daughter, so thankfully I have a while before I have to deal with these types of situations. BUT... When I was growing up my parents were very strict with me. Sure, I resented them at the time and thought their sole purpose in life was to make mine miserable (and they did a good job!) but now, as an adult and parent myself, I realize why they were like that and appreciate their rules and boundaries. And am enforcing the same types of rules and boundaries for my own 3 kids. It's MY house, *I* pay the bills, supply the clothes, etc. Therefore, I have final say in what will or will not be worn.
This
My parents made me miserable as a teen, Life sucked....I had rules and I thought they were unfair and cruel, My others friends parents let them do what ever they wanted too, They were cool!!......fasforward years later and I thanked them.
My friends with the cool parents that let them hang out at all hours of the night with whom ever they wanted.....Got brought down to jail for questionning after steeling a car, and being involved in a B&E. They were minors! most didnt have their permits yet. Some chose to keep going down that road.Sad. Needless I went on to choose better friends.....
I have a daughter (9) and would impose similar rules, If I find it is not appropriate, you arent wearing it. period.
Thank Goodness for long winters in Canada, some of these little girls i see walking around in the summer would put strippers to shame! Makes me sad since the attention they get is the wrong kind of attention.
At 16 you are not a woman! you may have all the functioning parts, but you are far off from being and adult. You are in fact a young lady, and should dress like one.
Your house, your rules. i don't think they are unreasonable.
Wearing shoes you don't approve of is in some way like "hanging out at all hours of the night?" Pick your battles, unless you don't value having a lifelong relationship with your children.0 -
And that's fine. But you should know: I was a good student, never missed school, never drank or did drugs, dressed modestly, and my mom criticized constantly. Your daughter knows kids who skip school, never study, drink, do drugs, dress in very little and get pregnant. EVERY TEEN DOES. I did. And because my mom didn't pick her battles and criticized everything I got a clear (and I know now, unintended) message that she didn't appreciate that I was a good kid. So when I moved out I pretty much ended our relationship. I didn't visit and never saw her except at family gatherings, did not give her my phone number and sometimes address. She's been dead five years and I feel closer to her now than when she was alive. If this is what you want for your self and your daughter, keep doing what you're doing. Otherwise, pick your battles. Shoes, hair length and color, these are not important in the grand scheme and will only send the message that she's not accepted by you as she is.
You know, I SERIOUSLY appreciate my parents for the way they handled me as a teenager. I was a good student, didn't skip class, etc (ok I drank at parties a few times), and in return my parents kinda just let me use my best judgement when it came to how I dress, do my hair, etc. It was like they appreciated that I could make good choices on my own, so they gave me the privilege and responsibility of making more choices for myself. On the flip-side, my sister made TERRIBLE choices for herself at every opportunity, so my parents were constantly on her about everything. I pretty much learned that if you make the right choices and show that you are responsible, you get more freedom, make crap choices and act irresponsibly, no freedom for you. Worked pretty well for me, I'd say.
I'm glad for you that your mom appreciated you. Mine didn't. I made good choices where it counted. In fact, you claim you drank at parties. This is a WAY bigger deal that what shoes you choose or how you wear your hair. And controlling things like that show disrespect for your kids. Why should kids respect you if you don't respect them?
Exactly how I feel. Teenagers, while generally immature, are a lot more grown up than we realize (or remember---we were all teenagers once!) My parents were the ones who said "We don't want you to drink alcohol or try drugs, no parent wants their child to do those things. But we're not idiots. If you are in a situation where you are under the influence and you need to come home, call us. Don't get in the car with someone who has been drinking, we will come pick you up." I think giving your kids the freedom to make choices for themselves and giving them the information they need to make the right choices is the best way to handle things like that. Having that mutual respect goes a LOOOOOONG way.0 -
The good Lord graced me with boys for a reason! We just went to our younger son's 8th grade "graduation" and there were at least 5 girls wearing strapless micro-mini (like, just below butt-cheek short!) dresses with 6" platform stilletos. They really did look like "working girls." Interestingly enough, they all were Honors students, so clearly the package they were presenting was not all they had to offer - so I'll at least grant that. However, I found it sad that they didn't just dress like the girls they really are. Several of the young ladies wore very cute, age appropriate, dresses with adorable shoes (some with kitten heels, some wedges, one gal rocked some new black Chuck Taylors with her fantastic dress).
Now for the Love and Logic lesson: Tell her you love her too much to argue with her about this. Tell her you hope she doesn't hurt her feet too badly. Do not lecture - she won't hear more than two words of what you say.
BTW: Did you fund the clothing purchases? If not, then you can not really control what she purchases with her money. If so, then you have every right to say, "I am happy to fund clothing I've approved, all else is up to you to pay for."
Good luck!
Yeah, thanks for rubbing it in.... that the good Lord graced you with boys..... until they get someone pregnant at 16 or 17... right?! (lol)
My hubby likes to say: With boys you only have to deal with one pr***, with girls you have to worry about all of them. :-D0 -
The good Lord graced me with boys for a reason! We just went to our younger son's 8th grade "graduation" and there were at least 5 girls wearing strapless micro-mini (like, just below butt-cheek short!) dresses with 6" platform stilletos. They really did look like "working girls." Interestingly enough, they all were Honors students, so clearly the package they were presenting was not all they had to offer - so I'll at least grant that. However, I found it sad that they didn't just dress like the girls they really are. Several of the young ladies wore very cute, age appropriate, dresses with adorable shoes (some with kitten heels, some wedges, one gal rocked some new black Chuck Taylors with her fantastic dress).
Now for the Love and Logic lesson: Tell her you love her too much to argue with her about this. Tell her you hope she doesn't hurt her feet too badly. Do not lecture - she won't hear more than two words of what you say.
BTW: Did you fund the clothing purchases? If not, then you can not really control what she purchases with her money. If so, then you have every right to say, "I am happy to fund clothing I've approved, all else is up to you to pay for."
Good luck!
Yeah, thanks for rubbing it in.... that the good Lord graced you with boys..... until they get someone pregnant at 16 or 17... right?! (lol)
My hubby likes to say: With boys you only have to deal with one pr***, with girls you have to worry about all of them. :-D
My husband says the same thing! (lol)0 -
Just have to note, as a guy, I don't think I've ever once made a decision about a woman's morality based on her choice in shoes. I usually have to assume that they are wearing shoes at all. To me, heels just make someone taller. One of the most annoying questions my wife has ever asked me was "which shoes should I wear?" I think my response was "the ones that fit."
I can see the dress issue, obviously, but I'd be more concerned with make up, hair, etc.0
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