Need Advice- My daughter needs to lose weight!

rammsteinsoldier

My daughter has had a weight problem all her life. She is now 18 and has really joined me in the quest for a healthy life style.

It has taken awhile but we now work together on diet and exercise and keep each other motivated. Unfortunately, I discovered that until she was ready to work for it there was not much I could do except try to prepare healthy meals and be a good role model.

rhichi

This may have been mentioned before, but whole family activities would be great, as well as making sure you hold everyone else to the same nutritional and exercise standards as you hold her, whether you think they need it or not. The most infuriating thing for years was that my mother would imply and needle and tell me to lose weight and eat this and do that, and I hated her for insulting me like that. What made it worse was that my skinny sister was allowed to eat whatever she wanted and just laze on the couch because she didn't gain any weight, and my mother never stayed with a diet for more than a few weeks.

Don't single out your daughter, because she will become resentful. Instead, you all need to make a decision to become a healthier family. That means no more cookies for anyone, and you all go out and do physical activity on a regular basis.

misticache

I'm glad someone brought this up. I too have a child who may be about 10 pounds over weight which isn't much so don't get all up on me. The problem is she isn't very active at all except maybe 3 months out of the year with marching band which is finally back in season. She does make an effort to use my treadmill which is great but she has to be in the "mood". My kid has horrible eating habits which no doubt she learned from me so I have been trying to switch her thinking and getting her to help me prepare meals and look at more healthier options. I told her its all about portion control and good choices. Of course she's a teen and she's going to get fast food every chance she can when she's not with me and I told her that's okay if she makes good choices every other meal of the week. It's hard with the whole teen thing because you don't want to hurt their feelings or give them a complex when all you want is for them to make better choices so they don't end up like you. I have had to learn to step back and not force it down her throat but simply lead by example, encourage her to take walks with me, we even bought a zumba tape for wii we have been dying to try out. Now that summer is here I will be buying healthy lunches they can eat at home that aren't processed and don't come from the frozen food section. She loves those pre-made buffalo wings. Instead I will make her boneless buffalo chicken breasts from scratch that she can throw on a wrap or a bed of lettuce. If you don't buy it they won't eat it! Good luck. I'm going to recommend that link to her someone else posted. Someone else mentioned friends and they are right about that too. We need to encourage our kids to grab their friends and get the heck out of the house and get moving! I already limit electronics in my house. yep I'm that mean mom.

BeyondThePixels

I've been overweight my whole life. Basically she's not going to do it until SHE'S ready. You can want it for her BADLY but she isn't going to be committed to it until she's ready to make the changes herself. Just be patient =]

Agreed. Don't force her, or nag about it. It will only make her resist more. She'll know when she's ready. In the meantime prepare healthy meals, and ask her to join you for a walk like another poster mentioned.

BlueInkDot

Yeah, this is definitely a tough topic. Props for realizing that if you push the topic she might rebel.

You're doing the right thing in trying to just introduce her to fun activities. Maybe suggest going for a walk together to just talk and catch up? Maybe that's not something I was interested in until later on in life but... I like chatting with my mom on walks. Or maybe if YOU'RE doing workout videos and she's nearby on the computer, maybe one day she'll be interested in joining in, especially if you look like you're having fun.

The MAIN thing you can really do is try to provide her the most healthy foods possible. Whole wheat grains, fruits and veggies, milk and eggs, all that good stuff.

One piece of advice I can give, is to try and reinforce the idea that you are PROUD of her no matter what. As long as she is doing well in school, and being a generally good person, pursuing the things she loves, whatever that may be, you're proud of her. By instituting that positivity, she can look at herself in a positive light, and maybe start to believe that she deserves a better body than what she has now. Sixteen is a tricky age. But don't worry, we all grow up and become adults and she will figure it out. It's just a matter of planting the seed of "YOU ARE WORTH IT."

That's my opinion, anyways.

Best of luck!!!

Edited to add: I'm not a parent... but I am a daughter, so this is from the daughter's perspective, years later. :P

BigDaddyBRC

Simple. DISCONNECT ALL TECHNOLOGY in the house. Then have her go for walks with you. As for eating...She needs to eat what you do.

TaylorsGranddad

just walk together . but do it without here knowing zoo, shopping , paddle boating in a park lake if you have one . wii fit or games that make you move. and make esating right a game if you eat the fewest cal in a day you get the money or pick the movie .

Totally agree, walking is the perfect start.

ironanimal

Remove junk from the house, replace it with fruit, veg, lean protein sources. Buy her a months gym membership and go with her - if she doesn't like it, cancel the plan.

delilah47

You are the parent. Limit her time on the PC for homework or other constructive activities and make her get off her butt.

Why are parents so afraid their children will "rebel" if they don't get their way? Parents need to take control right away in life, not wait until bad habits and spoiled behavior have taken root. It's too late then. You will pay until your little darlings leave home.. and then you may still have to pay some more. Television and computers are not babysitters.

tjphelps73

I have a 17yr old who is also about 40lbs over. First - there is a reason why - but she may not know it or does not want to share it with you. Second - teenagers are LAZY. My daughter has played soccer and basketball since she was in the third grade so it does not matter if they sit in front of the PC or play sports - it is more than activity. For us - It was OUR household LIFESTYLE that I raised her in and I had to implement a CHANGE for her to understand. My daughter needed to understand how to Eat to Live and not Live to Eat.
Your daughter is old enough to work but stay away from fast food. Try hospital volunteer program to see if that will peak her interest; if not, animal shelters, retirement communities, youth building programs, big sister programs, etc. As a parent it is hard to motivate our children and at her age, it is NOW time to NOT be a friend.

Finally - everyone has a different metabolism and she (with your help) has to figure out what will work for her. Currently, I am working with my daughter to increase her curfew by 30 mins for every ten pounds she loses. If she gains then the curfew increase is cut back. You just have to figure out what will motivate her. If it is PC time, then figure out how to incorporate that into her training program.
Her food plan is three small meals and three snacks - her calorie intake is no more than 1200 a day unless she has a major cardio workout then calories are added to her daily intake. Simple MATH - More calories burned = more calories she gets to eat with the right amount of fats, carbs, & proteins.

Good Luck - teenagers are hardwork.

poundsgalore

My kids hated it in the beginning but then they asked for it every night. Family walks, even if it is a half an hour.

becoming_a_new_me

My 12-yr old daughter was the same way....I had to make it count because she too is overweight and needs to lose about 60 lbs. First thing I did? Put a timer on the television. After 30 minutes, it turns off...I also unplugged the PC and grounded her from it for the summer. (we also had an issue with grades last year) I then told her she had $100.00 to use however she want BUT it had to be an activity of some sort. She decided to choose softball this summer.

So far, she has made a lot of new friends who are active and fit (and incredibly friendly and understanding). They now make plans to be active on the weekends (ie..coming to our house to swim, etc). Since there is no electronic that she can use as she also managed to lose her handheld devices too (ie...mom hid them in the closet one day when she didn't clean her room and now they'll stay there the rest of the summer), when we are home she goes outside and plays.

For a 16-yr old, I'd recommend an unplug experiment in the entire house. Put the cable on a seasonal suspend, unplug the computers, and hide all the video games. Have a household challenge to be "electronics free" for the rest of the summer. Plan outings like walks, swimming, etc and ensure that you have planned healthy meals that you eat together. She will emulate what you are doing even if she doesn't want to because she's a teen and moms are "lame".

Drop her off at the community swimming pool and tell her you'll be back in a few hours, and also get her enrolled in a volunteer program. She'll want community service on her record when she applies for college...in fact many universities give preference to kids with volunteer activities, and most scholarships require community service. Make sure her community service is something active...like raking yards, cleaning parks, etc.

Hope this helps! Just don't push too hard...get her going in the right direction and it will roll downhill.

bzmom

I have a few suggestions I have a 14 and 11 year old boys.

1. Sports is one great thing to get her involved in not only is it good for health but also great for selfesteem. My boys were not to convinced about joining sports at first but now love it after that feeling of accomplishment and team work.

2. Do something together go bike riding, rollerblading, walking, swimming. There are many thinks that will not seem like working out but fun yet helping your journey to better health.

3. Food wise I would start substituting. I removed ice cream and replaced fruit chillers, changed regular bread with healthy life bread, changed regular mayoniaise with the olive oil kind and so on.

Slowly but surely you dont want to pressure her and make her feel bad about herself but slowly encourage her to make these changes and when she starts seeing results she will love it and put more effort to it. At least my boys did. Good luck!

RickMckc

"Stay friends with her??? I don't think so, they aren't friends, she is her Mother."

Yes, she is her mother and not just her friend. There IS an authority component.

However, the time for authority expressed primarily thru control ("do what I say because I said it") is when children are young. Authority needs to be expressed primarily thru influence ("this is a better way, try it") when kids are older. There are a host of reasons why it is this way. For one, a 16 year old kid usually has a car; take the car, they have friends, etc. It is very difficult to control a teenager who does not wish to be controlled because you usually have to up the ante and that produces a lot of excess negative emotion totally unrelated to the real issue you are trying to address. Point being, the most effective way to express authority with teenagers is thru influence and influence with kids requires relationship, i.e. friendship.

My wife and I learned this years ago when we had three teenage daughters and read a book called "Shepherding a Child's Heart" by Ted Tripp. It was a game-changer for us - and for them.

I would also add in response to the OP that the best way to lead a teenager to change their life for the better in some way ... is to change your own. Your signature shows that you are 6lbs down. It's very hard but I would suggest you keep quiet about anything related to weight loss until you have reached 15-20 yourself. Take the log out of your own eye before you try to pick the speck out of hers. You'll have a lot more credibility when you do.

Peace

H_Factor

hmmmm...tough question because most people will say that its up to the person to decide. Your motivation can very easily come across as nagging to someone who is not ready for the journey. But, these are some things you might try:

1. set the example. if your daughter sees your commitment to find better health...and you seem to be ENJOYING IT, then she might follow along. This means, don't moan about how little you get to eat...or how you wish you could have some doughnuts or a Crapdonalds french fry...or how whatever exercise session was tough. you may be thinking those things, but if you express them out loud...your daughter is taking notes. Afterall, why should she want to do anything difficult when her current life choices are easy? You have to go out of your way to make sure she sees how much you enjoy healthy eating and how much you enjoy exercising (and hopefully you do).

2. you can control what she eats at home. Don't let crap into your house and cook healthy meals. If she's hungry, she will eat what you are serving.

3. start educating her on what life will be like if she continues down an unhealthy path and is diagnosed with diabetes, heart disease, etc. I can tell you that I didn't know exactly why I didn't want diabetes as a kid...I just knew that, as with any disease, it wasn't a good thing. Get more graphic with her. Print up stuff from the internet about diabetes so its no longer just a word. Let her know the specifics of what life would be like with one or more diseases associated with being unhealthy.

Ohjeezitskim

16 is a tough age... I was only 16 four years ago. But if you want to be serious with her take the computer out of her room (if it's in her room) or turn the router off during periods of the day so she can't use the internet.

When I was sixteen I thought about exercising but being self-conscious and shy made me not do it. If my mom asked me to go for a walk with her I would, because we never get to do anything alone together for bonding. Right now if she joined a gym, I'd go with her for sure! But gym memberships are too much now...

If you know any of her friends suggest to them to go for a hike, and/or even swimming. I enjoy hiking because I like taking pictures and after a nice hike you just want to jump in a pool!

But also if she's not motivated to do anything it's going to be a battle!

ETAWalker

With Zumba being one the newest fitness craze, maybe you could try getting her and maybe even her friends to watch a video and possibly start a small group class in your house. You may want to try something fun like this and if she sees you doing it and having fun, she may decide to join in. Talking to her about health related issues "gently" is tough for a teen but it might work. I wish you and your daughter the best.

katkle

Sorry if this idea has been mentioned previously, but I only got through pg 3 of the topic before work reared its ugly head.

Lots of people have mentioned cooking healthy foods, which is GREAT. My suggestion would be to have your daughter help you prepare the meals. Not only will this help teach her portion control and how to incorporate good foods into a meal, it will develop a needed lifelong skill at an early age. I work with university students, and I see SO MANY of them come to college and completely trash the eating habits established by their parents because of their freedom to choose ice cream, cookies, cake, pizza, etc. for every meal at the cafeteria. If you could work on healthier meals now, with her still being a couple of years from leaving the nest, it would (hopefully) be harder for her to break the pattern.

Good luck!!

noirnatural

Take her on walks! Maybe on weekend or after school some days, go on hikes together and chat.

I love this idea

jamiejpg

I agree with everyone else, remove any junk food and replace it with healthier snacks.
Also, I would suggest that you make a new house rule of food only being allowed in the dinning room.
It will help her if she has a problem with over eating. She wont want to sit at the table and snack if that means she wont be able to talk with her friends.

beebee0925

bump

noirnatural

I would not force her, but make sure she has the information and the tools needed to get healthy.

don't bring junk food in the house, no juice or sodas...buy water and crystal light, popcorn, fruit and Popsicle...don't make it seem like its a diet, just the way things are going to be your new lifestyle...also I would cook but if your like me and don't really like to cook just make sure she has healthy options

and I really love the idea of inviting her for a walk with you...slowly but surely as she see the change in you it will encourage her and the new habits you establish will make it easy for her

SistaHope

Sweet Mama; I hear you!! But listen to me, PLEASE. I'm a mom of 4 (2 boys, 2 girls) and I totally GET what you're saying, but I'm going to give you a hard word: The best thing you can do for your daughter is to simply BE an honest representation of what you want HER to be!!! (if I could underline, bold, italics that statement I would!) Oh, how I wished I'd grasped this truth when my oldest was 16!!! She's 26 now; and I have great relationships with my daughters, but the real truth is that I was doing the worrying over HER that I should have been doing over MYSELF. And since then, it has taken ALL my focus to concentrate on getting ME fit, and healthy, and weight down (yay, it's happening!) Be honest with YOURself first, and be legitimate!! Your daughter is 16, she is her own woman! Just like you. She has to OWN this decision. You're not going to do it. Drop it. Let it go. Focus on YOU and your own health and your own good goals for becoming a better person~that will take all your time, and your emotional energy. Leave her alone (pray for her, hope for her; but no anxiety or stressing allowed!!!) If you do this, I can nearly guarantee you, she WILL come around~and it will be so much better because she would have made that decision herself, and own her own health! She will surprise you. It may take longer than you're happy with but hang in there!!!

sarahp86

I agree with some people but as being overweight and having a mother who is trying to "support" me, I know she means well but it's so annoying!!! I know I have to lose weight but if someone you're close to keeps saying it to you it's very frustrating.

My mam doesn't nag me, I'm 26 years old and live away from home but the fact that my weight keeps coming up makes me feel down about myself, and then all I want to do is eat, it's a vicious circle.

Don't remove the junk food, she will get it somewhere else. Don't unplug tv's, computers etc. she will use them somewhere else.

You can't force someone to lose weight and even gentle encouragement from a parent can seem like nagging.

So maybe you could have someone else like a cousin, sibling or friend approach her and say that they're training for something and want an exercise partner. Maybe find out which of her friends are in sports groups and have a quiet word in their parents ear about them getting your daughter to join.

I know you mean the best and deep down she does too but she'll only see it as an attack on her and her weight and feel you're not proud of her. Tread carefully

dmpizza

My teen son doesn't want to do anything besides look at screens either.
He has developmental issues so it is even more touchy sometimes.

He would go with me to the gym with me and just sit in a machine for a half hour. It made me furious.

I keep hoping that he will mature into wanting to do other things. It is easier to get him to mow the lawn and do some chores than it used to be, however it is harder to get him to do outdoorsy sorts of things that my wife and I truly love.
Sorry I couldn't give you a better response.

livinaloha4eva

Sweet Mama; I hear you!! But listen to me, PLEASE. I'm a mom of 4 (2 boys, 2 girls) and I totally GET what you're saying, but I'm going to give you a hard word: The best thing you can do for your daughter is to simply BE an honest representation of what you want HER to be!!! (if I could underline, bold, italics that statement I would!) Oh, how I wished I'd grasped this truth when my oldest was 16!!! She's 26 now; and I have great relationships with my daughters, but the real truth is that I was doing the worrying over HER that I should have been doing over MYSELF. And since then, it has taken ALL my focus to concentrate on getting ME fit, and healthy, and weight down (yay, it's happening!) Be honest with YOURself first, and be legitimate!! Your daughter is 16, she is her own woman! Just like you. She has to OWN this decision. You're not going to do it. Drop it. Let it go. Focus on YOU and your own health and your own good goals for becoming a better person~that will take all your time, and your emotional energy. Leave her alone (pray for her, hope for her; but no anxiety or stressing allowed!!!) If you do this, I can nearly guarantee you, she WILL come around~and it will be so much better because she would have made that decision herself, and own her own health! She will surprise you. It may take longer than you're happy with but hang in there!!!

I'm her 26 year old and I approve of this message and validate it's truth! I have recently been inspired to get back on track with my health, and I WANT my mom's help now. Why? Because she is living it, she's not just telling me what to do. Haha, mom I bet you didn't think I would see your post ;-)

Sabresgal63

See if there is a gym near you with a pool or a YWCA. Most of them have water aerobics and it makes working out much more fun and pleasant.

noirnatural

Sweet Mama; I hear you!! But listen to me, PLEASE. I'm a mom of 4 (2 boys, 2 girls) and I totally GET what you're saying, but I'm going to give you a hard word: The best thing you can do for your daughter is to simply BE an honest representation of what you want HER to be!!! (if I could underline, bold, italics that statement I would!) Oh, how I wished I'd grasped this truth when my oldest was 16!!! She's 26 now; and I have great relationships with my daughters, but the real truth is that I was doing the worrying over HER that I should have been doing over MYSELF. And since then, it has taken ALL my focus to concentrate on getting ME fit, and healthy, and weight down (yay, it's happening!) Be honest with YOURself first, and be legitimate!! Your daughter is 16, she is her own woman! Just like you. She has to OWN this decision. You're not going to do it. Drop it. Let it go. Focus on YOU and your own health and your own good goals for becoming a better person~that will take all your time, and your emotional energy. Leave her alone (pray for her, hope for her; but no anxiety or stressing allowed!!!) If you do this, I can nearly guarantee you, she WILL come around~and it will be so much better because she would have made that decision herself, and own her own health! She will surprise you. It may take longer than you're happy with but hang in there!!!

I'm her 26 year old and I approve of this message and validate it's truth! I have recently been inspired to get back on track with my health, and I WANT my mom's help now. Why? Because she is living it, she's not just telling me what to do. Haha, mom I bet you didn't think I would see your post ;-)

:bigsmile:

BringingSherriBack

Yeah, this is definitely a tough topic. Props for realizing that if you push the topic she might rebel.

You're doing the right thing in trying to just introduce her to fun activities. Maybe suggest going for a walk together to just talk and catch up? Maybe that's not something I was interested in until later on in life but... I like chatting with my mom on walks. Or maybe if YOU'RE doing workout videos and she's nearby on the computer, maybe one day she'll be interested in joining in, especially if you look like you're having fun.

The MAIN thing you can really do is try to provide her the most healthy foods possible. Whole wheat grains, fruits and veggies, milk and eggs, all that good stuff.

One piece of advice I can give, is to try and reinforce the idea that you are PROUD of her no matter what. As long as she is doing well in school, and being a generally good person, pursuing the things she loves, whatever that may be, you're proud of her. By instituting that positivity, she can look at herself in a positive light, and maybe start to believe that she deserves a better body than what she has now. Sixteen is a tricky age. But don't worry, we all grow up and become adults and she will figure it out. It's just a matter of planting the seed of "YOU ARE WORTH IT."

That's my opinion, anyways.

Best of luck!!!

Edited to add: I'm not a parent... but I am a daughter, so this is from the daughter's perspective, years later. :P

Totally agree with this. I am a parent now and was the overweight child back then. Encourage activity and provide healthy meals and snack options for your daughter and your entire family. Cut out buying junk food for everyone in your household if you haven't already (some parents try to tell one child they can't have chips and cookies while another can because the one child doesn't have a weight problem. I have seen this happen and it can make the problem worse because the child is being treated differently and being singled out.) Try family activities that are active like biking, hiking, walking. Set an example by eating healthy and exercising yourself. Be sure your daughter know she is loved and you are proud of her.

littledumplings

Bump to read later, I was going to ask a similar question about my 11 yr old x