Asking for money instead of gifts

CherylGardner

I've been to a couple of wedding this summer and last and it seemed like most people give cash these days anyway.... At least around here. There were a couple of actual gifts, but the majority was envelopes.... I always give cash. I got married 5 years ago and we also got mostly cash.

I think it's rude to ask for it outright but really, registries are just as rude technically. You're asking for gifts on both fronts. It's just funny that one is considered outright rude. It doesn't really bother me personally. I would just not say anything about any kind of gift.

steph124ny

I generally give cash anyway, but it is MAJORLY rude to ask for it. Some people will say that it is commonplace nowdays....and that may be true. But it doesn't make it any less tacky and rude.

Just don't register and you'll get cash. No need to come out and say it.

Snow__White

Ive never heard people ask for money
but ive never been to a wedding where they didnt have a box to put an envelope in.
nobody gave us gifts for our wedding just envelopes...and thats all we ever give when we go to a wedding
we give around $250-$300,enough to cover our plate and open bar for the night

alexandria412

My husband and I hadn't lived with our parents for a combined total of 15ish years when we married. Needless to say, we didn't need anything that you could register for (toasters, towels, etc).

On our invitation, we wrote something along the lines of, "We're fortunate enough to have a lovely, tiny home filled with everything we need and are not registering for gifts. The best present we can receive is your presence blah blah blah"

FitLink

I have everything I need, but there are still lots of things I want. The idea has a certain practicality, but also seems a bit crass in my opinion.

I have everything I need, and lots of things I want too. So I'd put the wants on the list. No one really NEEDS most of what what they put on wedding registers, they're wants. Asking for money seems very "crass" to me.

If someone feels having a big wedding and reception so your friends and family can help you celebrate this thing you do once in a lifetime costs too much, the actual "getting married" is fairly inexpensive. It's the big party for your friends and family that costs. Specifying that you want cash to pay for the wedding rather than a gift seems like saying to my friends "Pay to come to my party."

AlbaAngel25

Ive never heard people ask for money
but ive never been to a wedding where they didnt have a box to put an envelope in.
nobody gave us gifts for our wedding just envelopes...and thats all we ever give when we go to a wedding
we give around $250-$300,enough to cover our plate and open bar for the night

this exactly for us too!

RobynC79

I (and many of the people from my culture) find requests for money incredibly vulgar. If couples don't want gifts because they are already well provisioned, then they shouldn't be asking for money either. Giving a gift is not a requirement of attending a wedding; it's not a transaction. Even registries are considered rather tacky. If I received that note, I would think of it as a calculated attempt to make a grabby request like cute and sweet.

Italian_Buju

Just to be clear, as we are all in different places around the world....

I am in Canada, and it is not uncommon to give money either, I would say, at least half of the wedding gifts are money at any given wedding, sometimes more, I was just wondering about the idea of ASKING for money, that is all....

Because she is a close friend, and I saw it now, a year before the wedding, I found it odd.

However, had I just gotten one of those notes in a wedding invite, from someone, esp someone not so close, I might have found it rude. That is why I asked, as I do not go to weddings often, so I was not sure if it was proper or not.

FitLink

Same here.

I am Russian and in our culture everyone leaves at least $50-100 in cash/check in the card. I think its rude just to give 20 bucks for a wedding considering most weddings now days are at least $100 per person.

Its practical and people don't end up in debt for weddings. You don't really ask for it either, it's just implied in my culture.

I haven't registered anywhere for my wedding (in August), I figured that would give a hint, but I am not going to straight up ask for it unless someone keeps pestering me about what I want.

No one MUST go into debt to get married. It's the wedding, not getting married, that costs. If you are unable or unwilling to pay for a party to celebrate this once-in-a-lifetime event, get a license, pay a JP and do it. Expecting your friends to finance your wedding/reception/honeymoon is rude.

kobiemom

Times haven't changed that much. I got married in 1980 and so did many of our friends. Everyone was trying to do the cash-instead-of-useless-gifts thing then, too. We couldn't figure out how to do it without looking greedy. Nobody owes anybody a gift. It's customary to celebrate the couple's happiness by offering a gift. Assuming that people will give one then telling them what to give is tacky and always will be. We've received invitations where the couple asks guests to pay for their dinner at a fancy restaurant in lieu of offering a reception. They got talked about forever. Start your lives together the right way - have the wedding and reception you can afford. Then have the life you can afford.

eliz_in_pink

the very first time i saw this was at my cousin's wedding (which was actually a year ago today..) he and his bride asked for money and no gifts- i thought it was rude of them ... but i know them pretty well and they ask people for money all the time... i thought to myself, "here we go again with another plee for money"... and so my parents and i went in and bought them a grill, lol.

but, yes- unfortunately this is normal. i just got married a month ago and we NEEDED things (we are newlyweds who just bought a house) so, our list was rather long- we still got more money than gifts and i'm okay with it! i was just grateful they got us anything at all.

jilers

I just got married i n April. Didn't ask for either although with debt we really wanted money. However we thought is rather crass to ask. We got some lovely gifts that we never would have thought of.

sculley

Honestly in some cultures dont the parents give the new couple an envelope with cash? Am I watching too much tv? lol....

medaglia_06

It is doen often now. While it isn't traditional etiquette, they are going about it the right way. That wording is perfect and they also say you can get a gift if you would prefer for the more traditional guests. I think it is a great idea.

Krissy366

It's becoming more and more popular but it's a huge etiquette no-no. If what you want is to get cash from most and a few surprise gifts from people who aren't fans of cash you simply don't register. Most people will default to cash and a few will do what they were going to do anyway which is buy you something of their own choosing.

fbmandy55

I had friends who did this. They had been together for years and had all their household needs taken care of. They were wanting to remodel so asked for cash or Home Depot gift cards toward their home makeover. I don't see a problem with it at all.

I can't wait to get actual gifts when we get married. We have nothing nice and matching glasses and dishes would be a dream come true! :laugh:

johnsd8

I know Weddings are expensive for the Bride and Groom but they are also pretty costly for the guests! Depending on the type of Wedding you have your guests may have to buy an outfit, transport, accomodation, drinks, and to then ask them for Money, or worse comment that "20 bucks is being cheap" is incredibly selfish. It is YOUR big day not theirs and they may have another 2 or 3 weddings in the season to attend.

My husband and I registered and just added small bits and pieces that we liked so people didn't feel under pressure to spend loads on us, we wanted them there with us for their company, not their contribution...

If you really would prefer money then you always take the pressure off and make it a bit of fun by using the greek tradition of pinning notes to the clothes of the bride and groom during their first dance. I would just say on the invite that we have everything we need and don't want any gifts, but we are having a traditional greek first dance so brings some notes and pins

Hmmm could get painful if your in-laws don't approve of you though!

Debs

Bobby_Clerici

I think money is GREAT!
That's what they need more than some silly gift.
These days people need cash more than clutter. We can go out and buy our own used stuff cheap, and the truth is most people already have their place set up. When people married young like we did, gifts were the ONLY way we had anything.
We were teenagers just leaving home. We had NOTHING!
Those days are long gone.
SEND MONEY?
I am totally cool with it - saves everybody time.

lauralizzy829

I don't think its rude at all.

Think about it. A registry is telling you what the couple needs. Be it housewares, electronics, etc. If the bride and groom need $$ and say as much, in a cute way, it is the same exact thing. So why is it rude?

And assuming that guests will pick up on the hint if you don't register is assuming way too much of people.

iva001

Whats the difference between asking for gifts and asking for money? Besides that the former is more traditional?

cocolo89

In our culture we do money only gifts for weddings. Why get into financial strains right after getting married? We also do engagement party where people tend to give out more gifts and some money and bridal showers and again more gifts. I find it tacky when people register for SUPER expensive gifts. I would rather ask for the money and get exactly what I want, lol,

IrishChik

When my husband and I married we had already been together 4 years and living together 3. It was a second marriage for both of us. We had everything we needed. Between his family and mine everyone pretty much knew that. We did not flat out ask for money, but we used myregistry.com to register. Instead of gifts we had two accounts. One for American Cancer Society and one for our honeymoon which was a trip for both of us to visit family overseas and learn more of our heritage. Both families were happy with this choice and most gave to both. We also had a wishing well at the reception for those who prefer a more traditional approach than using online services.

I think it is becoming the norm for cash gifts. People are waiting later in life to marry. Times are changing.

That said, how you view it also depends on where you are from, how you grew up, what your family values are, your own personal values, and your age.

foxy2311

I'm getting married in 9 days. However, it is the 2nd marriage for us both and we've lived together for over 2 years and don't need anything material and so haven't registered. That being said we'd love if people gave us money, but would never ask for it. It is a little rude/assuming to out and out ask for it, but I did like the little poem you friend wrote! Keeping my fingers crossed for some checks! lol....

foxy2311

It is common and NOT rude IMO. When my husband and I got married we already had everything we needed. All I wanted was new towels. I did not get these. I got a bunch of stuff I already had and much of it I could not take back. When asked we told them please consider money or gift cards to Home Depot. Instead people bought us useless gifts, probably re-gifted to us. That to me is rude. I wish we would have put something like that in our invites.

Oh my gosh! Home Depot gift cards would rock!!!! Why didn't I think of that! We bought an older house and it could use some stuff from there

Barbellsandthimbles

I think if they want money, they should do the cash dance at the reception and tell people they don't need gifts. More than likely they would get cash from some in the cards. Personally, I'd be a little off put by the request of money instead of gifts, even if it was in a cute poem. That being said, I would probably still give them money.

Bronx_Montgomery

I see nothing wrong in that. Sometimes its hard to give a gift especially if its someone who already has everything they need. MOney is always best to help them pay for the wedding or enjoy a great honeymoon.

FitLink

It is common and NOT rude IMO. When my husband and I got married we already had everything we needed. All I wanted was new towels. I did not get these. I got a bunch of stuff I already had and much of it I could not take back. When asked we told them please consider money or gift cards to Home Depot. Instead people bought us useless gifts, probably re-gifted to us. That to me is rude. I wish we would have put something like that in our invites.

What strikes me as rude is suggesting that a gift that someone went to the trouble go out and pick up specifically for you is ruder than asking your friends for money. If I were your friend and knew you considered the gift I put my effort into "useless," I'd just opt out of your wedding.

A gift is not an entitlement.

FitLink

I'm getting married in 9 days. However, it is the 2nd marriage for us both and we've lived together for over 2 years and don't need anything material and so haven't registered. That being said we'd love if people gave us money, but would never ask for it. It is a little rude/assuming to out and out ask for it, but I did like the little poem you friend wrote! Keeping my fingers crossed for some checks! lol....

In my day it would have been considered rude to expect any gifts at all for a second marriage.

SyntonicGarden

Bad form... That's like being invited to someone's house for dinner and telling them how and what they should cook. While it's honest, it's tacky and doesn't show class... If she's asking, then she's obviously concerned about what people think.

Got married last year. A lot of people gave cash/checks, which was nice. (Just make sure she tracks who gave how much. Very important if friends gave $ and get married later on...) We registered at Bed, Bath, & Beyond. We brought back a good chunk of stuff so that we could get the expensive knife set that we wanted, registered for, and knew no one would buy for us.

If they're looking to go on a honeymoon and are booking with a travel agency, many of the agencies will allow people to contribute to the honeymoon. A friend of mine did that. Basically, she had everything she needed, so they registered with the travel agency instead of a store. Much classier.

Also, wishing wells mean different things to different people. Where I grew up, a wishing well means guests bring a small gift ($1 - 10) to the wedding shower. The gifts, usually things like veggie peelers, sponges, new dish cloths, manual can opener, etc. went in something that looks like a wishing well that one would get water out of. Sometimes it was a well that was rented from a party supply store. Sometimes it was a well that was fashioned with a new hamper and a laundry basket. It was NEVER a list of what they B&G wanted. Google Images has a boatload of pictures of bridal wishing wells.

Laces_0ut

its a great idea and definitely not rude. anyone who would boycott as a result of this is the one being rude and not a real friend.