Asking for money instead of gifts

devil_in_a_blue_dress

I don't think there is ANY problem giving money. I know most people want money for their weddings - so I give money. Unless they specifically ask for money (especially with the excuse "we have everything we need") and then I'm kind of inclined to give them nothing aside from a card expressing my well wishes.

Wedding gifts aren't supposed to help you pay off debt you've already incurred or to finance a honeymoon. Wedding gifts are to help a new couple set up their household, if the household is already set up - it's inappropriate to ask for ANYTHING, including money.

By the time my husband and I married - we'd lived a combined 20 years on our own. We had 2 of most everything, we didn't register for anything and got mostly money. It was a nice surprise, as we expected nothing.

See how that works? Don't expect things and get more than you imagined. It seems like people are too greedy to realize by not asking or politely demanding, they will probably get what they want anyway.

odusgolp

I find it incredibly tacky.

sleibo87

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sleibo87

sorry computers being stupid

sleibo87

I'm going to my cousins wedding in a couple of weeks, and got a card with the exact same message on!

I don't have a problem with it myself, I'd rather get a gift,

And that's my issue with it. Right there. You'd rather buy them a gift, but their request (demand) has guilted you into giving something you'd prefer not to give. Even if in the end it works out fine, and you are glad that they are able to buy something they need/want, you have acted contrary to what you wanted to do because they have inappropriately told you what to get them, when a gift is a gesture on the part of the giver, not an entitlement on the part of the receiver.

Further - the request for cash puts people on a limited budget in a really poor position. If Aunt Mildred wants to get the couple a really nice gift she can shop around for a great price, use coupons, find a sale, use a store gift card that she has and get a $50 item for half price. But I (sadly) know many couples that would turn their noses up at and belittle a $25 cash gift. Afterall, they *gasp* paid $150 a plate for Mildred to eat - what a cheapskate! It's kind of pathetic that so many people think that getting married means they get to rake in the dough. And so many people spend beyond their means to foster that idea and give couples money or gifts outside of what they are comfortable with just to save face. It's wonderful when one's family and friends are generous (and can afford to be) in their gifting in celebration of marriage, but seems like some couples just have weddings for the loot. God forbid a guest just show up and celebrate and give a card, or a small amount of money - well, let the trash talking begin.

I agree with this. I personally prefer to GIVE a gift because I try to get really thoughtful about it. I can buy something really nice for $30 and make it super personal, but some may not think a card with $30 is all that great. I mean I had people show up to my wedding without a gift or even a card. It's not that we expected to 'make bank' or anything like that, we just wanted people to celebrate with us, but I think a card is not that hard to do. Most of those people were the younger generations but I mean I would never go to a wedding empty handed.
PS, we did use the honeymoon website for out honeymoon, but weren't expecting it to be so cold on the Island and Kayaking wasn't something we could really do, and I didn't actually know that the website just send you the money till after the register.

I think if you do register its important to do a range of gifts from $10 to whatever, but I went to a wedding where their registry included a Wii and a TV, and nothing really below $50! Not everyone has that type of money and we shouldn't expect people to go to our wedding just for the $$$.

I think by just not registering everywhere, people will get the hint you don't need 'stuff.'
But also remember there will always be someone who doesn't give a check or gift card and you
will get something you don't need and cant return...like the quesadilla maker that hasn't left the box 3 years later lol.

Hope your friend has a wonderful wedding and a happy marriage!

ninakir88

I'm going to my cousins wedding in a couple of weeks, and got a card with the exact same message on!

I don't have a problem with it myself, I'd rather get a gift,

And that's my issue with it. Right there. You'd rather buy them a gift, but their request (demand) has guilted you into giving something you'd prefer not to give. Even if in the end it works out fine, and you are glad that they are able to buy something they need/want, you have acted contrary to what you wanted to do because they have inappropriately told you what to get them, when a gift is a gesture on the part of the giver, not an entitlement on the part of the receiver.

Further - the request for cash puts people on a limited budget in a really poor position. If Aunt Mildred wants to get the couple a really nice gift she can shop around for a great price, use coupons, find a sale, use a store gift card that she has and get a $50 item for half price. But I (sadly) know many couples that would turn their noses up at and belittle a $25 cash gift. Afterall, they *gasp* paid $150 a plate for Mildred to eat - what a cheapskate! It's kind of pathetic that so many people think that getting married means they get to rake in the dough. And so many people spend beyond their means to foster that idea and give couples money or gifts outside of what they are comfortable with just to save face. It's wonderful when one's family and friends are generous (and can afford to be) in their gifting in celebration of marriage, but seems like some couples just have weddings for the loot. God forbid a guest just show up and celebrate and give a card, or a small amount of money - well, let the trash talking begin.

Are you joking about the "rake in the dough" comment?

You do know on average, couples spend 20K on a wedding, right?

Most likely, they aren't "raking in the dough", they just feel lucky if they pay off even half of what they paid for you to be there.

If someone is going to a REALLY nice wedding, with great food and all inclusive drinks all night, if the couple wants cash instead of gifts, the person shouldn't sit there and claim that it's going straight into the couples bank account... because its not.

nwhitley

According to technical etiquette, it's extremely rude and tacky to ask for money... it's better to just not register anywhere. People will get the hint. That being said, in some social circles it's normal to do. BUT technically, that is an etiquette fail.

Agreed. It's always tacky to ask for cash.

musicgirl99

I, personally think it's rude to ask for money. I liked others' ideas of just not registering anywhere or registering at a store that gives cash for returned items or having friends and family pass the word if asked. However, in my culture, (Portuguese), it's the norm to give money anyway and like another poster said, it's usually larger sums (between $70 to $100 per person in your party).

dls06

I place that in the same category as honeymoon registries. "Hey, please pay for us to take a badass vacation so we don't have to pay for it".

That's just my opinion, it's in poor taste. I know people do both (ask for cash and have honeymoon registries) but I don't agree with either.

ETA: spelling fail.

My daughter was going to do this also but the company charges an extra 3% so if you are going to give towards a honeymoon ask if there is a charge before you give them your credit card #!

Laces_0ut

I finally understand. all the people going on about how rude it is to give cash just want to be able regift.

Krissy366

I'm going to my cousins wedding in a couple of weeks, and got a card with the exact same message on!

I don't have a problem with it myself, I'd rather get a gift,

And that's my issue with it. Right there. You'd rather buy them a gift, but their request (demand) has guilted you into giving something you'd prefer not to give. Even if in the end it works out fine, and you are glad that they are able to buy something they need/want, you have acted contrary to what you wanted to do because they have inappropriately told you what to get them, when a gift is a gesture on the part of the giver, not an entitlement on the part of the receiver.

Further - the request for cash puts people on a limited budget in a really poor position. If Aunt Mildred wants to get the couple a really nice gift she can shop around for a great price, use coupons, find a sale, use a store gift card that she has and get a $50 item for half price. But I (sadly) know many couples that would turn their noses up at and belittle a $25 cash gift. Afterall, they *gasp* paid $150 a plate for Mildred to eat - what a cheapskate! It's kind of pathetic that so many people think that getting married means they get to rake in the dough. And so many people spend beyond their means to foster that idea and give couples money or gifts outside of what they are comfortable with just to save face. It's wonderful when one's family and friends are generous (and can afford to be) in their gifting in celebration of marriage, but seems like some couples just have weddings for the loot. God forbid a guest just show up and celebrate and give a card, or a small amount of money - well, let the trash talking begin.

Are you joking about the "rake in the dough" comment?

You do know on average, couples spend 20K on a wedding, right?

Most likely, they aren't "raking in the dough", they just feel lucky if they pay off even half of what they paid for you to be there.

If someone is going to a REALLY nice wedding, with great food and all inclusive drinks all night, if the couple wants cash instead of gifts, the person shouldn't sit there and claim that it's going straight into the couples bank account... because its not.

No, I'm not joking. I'm well aware what the average couple pays for a wedding. I wasn't insinuating that anyone ever breaks even based on monetary gifts or even comes close, but the mindset is there. The mindset that monetary gifts are to offset the cost of hosting. You host an event to provide hospitatlity. It is not the job of the guests to offset those costs. It is the job of the host to provide within their means. There are too many people that have been convinced that proper etiquette demands that you give an amount that would cover the cost of your meal. Many guests believe this, and many couples believe this. Forget the fact that you couldn't possibly know what the hosts have spent on a meal so it's impossible, it's also a totally wrong. When hosts expect to recoup even part of their costs, the end result is both diminished hospitality as well as diminished appreciation of gift giving and receiving. The price of a wedding and the value of gifts need to be forever unlinked in people's minds.

Krissy366

I finally understand. all the people going on about how rude it is to give cash just want to be able regift.

No one is saying it's rude to give cash. Or rude to get cash. The question is whether it is rude to ASK FOR cash.

sjmgde

I think its assuming hta tyou are getting something from someone. I think its rude. Someone had the idea to jus tnto register and maybe they will get the hint. I like that idea.

NewChristina

Personally I don't think it's appropriate to be asking for money, however, the wishing well (treasure chest, money box, etc etc) thing has actually become quite popular.

Agreed. Wishing well- okay. Coming out and asking- that will rub some the wrong way.

kaetmarie

My husband and I lived together for over a year before our wedding (some find THAT tacky..ha!) and didn't really need anything for the wedding. We made a very small registry and had our bridal party and parents tell people (when they asked) that we would prefer cash to put towards a down-payment on our first home, but that if they wanted to get us a gift -- we were registered at x, y, and z. I didn't feel comfortable flat out asking for it -- but we ended up getting mostly cash, so it did work out.

I wouldn't care if I attended a wedding and they asked, but I didn't do it because so many people react so strongly to it. Besides, doesn't everyone know that weddings aren't really about the couple -- they're about the guests and making sure they're happy and comfortable with how you do things?!?! :laugh:

iwillsoonbeslim

It's quite common round here now, and I don't like it one bit. I have an aversion to giving or receiving vouchers or cash as gifts.

Saffyra

I would be so ashamed of myself if I asked for money in my wedding invitation! Horrifying!

However, if the word magically got around via my mother or something like that, it wouldn't be so bad.

But ASKING/BEGGING/GROVELING for money in the invitation seems so tacky and disrespectful.

When I got married I expected to get things from family members but other than that, all I wanted was my favorite people at my wedding. That was gift enough. To see people I hadn't seen in ages.

I don't know. I suppose I'm in the "its a gift" camp, not in the "you need to pay me for coming to my wedding and eating my dinner" camp.

allison0820

I just got married in April.. and like most.. we had lived together for some time so we also did not need anything.. Some ppl insisted... when asked if we had registered we'd say no, since we live together we have everything and didn't think it was really appropriate or necessary to register.. if they'd ask we'd say gift cards would work... we mostly got gift cards and cash, we used all the cash and bought ourselves a piece of furniture that we had been wanting.. so it still went for the new couple, just not the typicaly dishes or china that you never use..

ninakir88

Krissy,

i don't know if you're married or not, but have you ever planned a wedding with everything included? (drinks, food, dessert, photography, DJ, florist, etc.?)

I think it depends on the wedding venue and whether or not there is alcohol served.

If you are going to a dry backyard wedding, then yeah, people asking you for money might be a tad bit rude. But if you are going to a huge wedding where you feast and drink like a queen that's a different story. I don't think any couple actually expects you to give enough money to cover the whole cost of you being there. I think it's a tad bit silly to say that some people want to get married to MAKE money.

I am getting married in 2 months and I didn't ask anyone for anything, I didn't register anywhere but I didn't tell anyone to bring me money either. I don't expect to make the money back, i'll be surprised if I get 1/3 of what we spend, but I think coming to a nice wedding empty handed or re gifting something the couple doesn't need is also poor etiquette. Some guests just come for weddings for the free food and booze and nothing else, and I think that's rude, personally.

But that's just my opinion, and I am Russian, where the tradition is everyone just brings money as a gift, no questions asked.

Krissy366

Krissy,

i don't know if you're married or not, but have you ever planned a wedding with everything included? (drinks, food, dessert, photography, DJ, florist, etc.?)

I think it depends on the wedding venue and whether or not there is alcohol served.

If you are going to a dry backyard wedding, then yeah, people asking you for money might be a tad bit rude. But if you are going to a huge wedding where you feast and drink like a queen that's a different story. I don't think any couple actually expects you to give enough money to cover the whole cost of you being there. I think it's a tad bit silly to say that some people want to get married to MAKE money.

I am getting married in 2 months and I didn't ask anyone for anything, I didn't register anywhere but I didn't tell anyone to bring me money either. I don't expect to make the money back, i'll be surprised if I get 1/3 of what we spend, but I think coming to a nice wedding empty handed or re gifting something the couple doesn't need is also poor etiquette. Some guests just come for weddings for the free food and booze and nothing else, and I think that's rude, personally.

But that's just my opinion, and I am Russian, where the tradition is everyone just brings money as a gift, no questions asked.

Yes, I'm married (2 years this summer). Yes I planned (and paid for with my husband) a full wedding at a lovely place on a lake and a large banquet hall. Paid for food during cocktail hour, a full dinner buffet with 17 different items to choose from, dessert, photography, DJ, florist, a wedding planner, favors, centerpieces, dresses for some of my bridesmaids (others insisted on paying themselves), welcome baskets in the rooms of out of town guests, shuttle between the venue and the hotel, and numerous other things that come with a large wedding (ours had 145 guests). It was a wonderful day. It cost us quite a bit of money - all of which we saved up for and paid without incurring any debt. We actually planned it in less than 2 months since we had some international guests who were coming to the country for other reasons and wouldn't otherwise be able to attend. So while it had been on the table as an option for quite some time, we executed it in 8 weeks.

We had people that gave us nothing but their best wishes at the wedding and reception. Could I tell you who they were? Nope. Doesn't matter to me at all. Others were amazingly generous. I couldn't tell you who they were either without looking up the information. I do remember who gave us every physical gift we have in our home (we didn't get a single dud). Like you, I personally would not attend a wedding without bringing a gift. I typically do give a check (I never give cash because you do hear awful stories about cards being stolen), mostly because it's easier on the day of the wedding (plus I have in most circumstances given a physical gift at the shower), but I don't think they are required (though a card is always nice), and don't think ill of people who can't give a gift for whatever reason.

As for people just showing up for the free food and booze - well, guests are invited to share the day - surely that includes partaking in the food/beverage offered. Should guests only eat a portion of their meal based on the value of the gift they have given? I would imagine most people don't invite people to their weddings if you don't want them there. I can't imagine my feelings of wanting people at my wedding changing because they enjoyed themselves but didn't give me an acceptable gift. If the food and booze is the ONLY reason a person would go to your wedding, I'd say they didn't belong on the guest list.

By the way - I too didn't register and didn't ask for anything - I was seriously surprised by people's generosity. I'm certain you will be too. That was my original point way up thread. You don't need to ASK for money. People love to lavish brides and grooms, but some people are turned off by such blantant requests. The absence of a registry usually is a clear indicator that cash would certainly be appropriate.

Best wishes on your wedding. I hope you have a glorious day! Mine was August 20, 2010, and we couldn't have asked for a better day.

Krissy366

But that's just my opinion, and I am Russian, where the tradition is everyone just brings money as a gift, no questions asked.

BTW - I just wanted to add - there are MANY cultures where that is the tradition. And those cultures aren't even really part of this discussion. Because like you said - no one has to ask. There's nothing wrong with giving/getting/wanting money. It's only the ASKING that can be seen (by many) as inappropriate.

sleibo87

OK here's a random question just cause I'm curious. Do you usually spend the same amount of $ for every wedding you have been to? Or do you spend accordingly to the person and how close you are to them, or maybe if they are having a super fancy wedding compared to lets say a court house wedding (where you only went to a small reception for, or something)

I am attending a wedding next week, its a back yard wedding, no DJ, no flowers but the bride and groom, homemade cake, so it won't be super fancy. The couple lives together and is asking for money then stuff. I really don't like giving money, I don't even have checks ordered right now and don't want to just put cash in a card. Maybe a gift card, hopefully they think that is ok.

Anyways I don't want people freaking out, I am just curious what some people spend for a wedding gift. I have only been to like two weddings other then mine.

Thanks!

Dwillig

I'm planning a wedding and could use money to help pay off our maxed out credit card. I'd rather do this than get new dishes. The cash will also be a great help and added bonus to things on honeymoon.

ninerbuff

I wonder how many here would think it's rude not to give a gift at all..........................................

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agerena007

Thats weird, I have heard of this and then some. When I got married I didnt ask for money but I knew to expect it. Usually that is what the wedding gifts are. At least to my knowledge. People register for items just in case some people cant or dont want to give money, but trust me the money always helps. A wedding is not cheap by any means. Anyway, for my wedding I received 2 actual gifts and the rest was money. On top of the gift of money we had a dance one for the bride in which the bride dances and all the men stuff money into her dress, almost lost my dress lol... then the groom dances and all the women stuff money in his suit. I ofcourse made triple what he made and it was fun. But its not weird to ask for money, it would be nice to try to recover some of the money spent on the wedding. Btw, the least I would give is $50 per person, so if your taking a guest it would be $100.. Enjoy!

Alex_is_Hawks

It is common, there is also the money dance in which the guests tuck/stick money on the bride and groom....

The Money dance is very different in that it's an inherent cultural tradition spanning back hundreds of years for some cultures.

That gets a pass, especially if the bride and groom belong from that culture.

But if you are looking to have a Westernized emily post wedding...with all the trimmings, then the ettiquette with such an event is that asking for money is rude and not to be done.

I understand that lots of people these days aren't marrying until they have everything, but there are SO many ways to get the word out without actually putting it on an invite, or saying it to your guests face.

christine24t

That is terrible!!!

BeckiCharlotte13x

Who cares about etiquette or it not being the 'done' thing...

If you were buying a wedding gift, say you bought a toaster or some other cheesy wedding gift, would you not rather give the person money for what they WANT, not what you assume they should have because of tradition.

You're money is going on something, either, a gift, or you give them cash. It's no skin of your nose if you just have to pop £20 in a card, if anything, it makes it easier.

Times move on and buying the old gifts isn't very appropriate anymore. I see nothing wrong with it.

mfp_junkie

I'd be more than happy if a couple getting married included this little "poem" in the invite, and I'd be happy to give them a cash gift.

By the way, I've always held that the value of the gift should reflect the "value" of the wedding reception. So, big dinner, open bar, dance, and I'm tucking at least $200 in the envelop for my wife and I. Stuffing a fiver in a card with best wishes, or re-gifting that ugly salad bowl you got for Christmas, and then drinking their best Scotch all night is crass. Etiquette cuts both ways.

noirnatural

I have attended several weddings where a wishing well has been present, I think it is becoming more so now because people are getting married later, and most have already established homes either separately or together .