Asking for money instead of gifts
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I've seen this at a couple of weddings I went to last year. Both actually had "wishing wells" so you could put a donation in with out anyone knowing how much which I quite liked. One was using it to renovate their house and the others were putting it towards a honeymoon.
Now the majority of people live together before they get married it does make it more difficult to buy the traditional wedding gift.0 -
Rude indeed. The only time $ donations should be mentioned is if the couple is requesting donations to charity. I've seen, "Thank you for thinking of us. A donation to a charity of your choice would be appreciated." That is classy!0
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My husband and I hadn't lived with our parents for a combined total of 15ish years when we married. Needless to say, we didn't need anything that you could register for (toasters, towels, etc).
On our invitation, we wrote something along the lines of, "We're fortunate enough to have a lovely, tiny home filled with everything we need and are not registering for gifts. The best present we can receive is your presence blah blah blah"
Gifts you register for need not be "household" items. My nephew and his bride had what they needed but are avid campers and backpackers. They registered for gear they would like to have but would never buy for themselves. You can register for literally ANYTHING. There is no excuse to ask for cash.
so rude to ask for cash but not rude to ask for camping equipment? thats weird. as for me there really isnt that much i need right now. asking for stuff that you dont really need seems rude to me.
Yes. It's rude to ask for cash. People don't need china and crystal, or matching towels either. EVERYTHING you'd register for as a wedding gift is a "want." But asking for money, especially on the grounds that a wedding is expensive, suggests that the guests at a party you've invited them to, should help finance that party. That isn't what hosts do.
If you don't really need anything, say so. Suggest that "no gift" is fine, or suggest guests donate to a favorite charity. Asking for money is rude.0 -
While I understand the practicality of this, it is terrible etiquette. It's rude to ask people for money, it's even considered rude for the bride and groom to point out where they are registered. Registry info should go out with shower invites so that it's coming from someone other than the bride.
Speaking of showers, does she want money for her shower too? Sounds like that would be a blast, everyone can see how much the others give, "$40 from Aunt Martha, $20 from Cindy, $120 from Grandma". Yikes.
This is how I've always felt it should be done. Maybe it's just my family but for showers and weddings, the bride and groom NEVER had a hand in anything but registering and then sending thank you notes out if their family and friends were so inclined to seek out the info of where the registries were.
Is a "wedding shower" an American thing? Never heard of this, what's wrong with the hen-do and wedding?! Any excuse for a party I suppose...0 -
My wife and I did that, we had a destination wedding though so the people that came to it brough and 'envelope gift' consisting of gift cards and cash. it was awesome for us cause we used some on our honeymoon. We had a smaller ceremony later for those who couldn't come, we got mostly gifts at that one or gift cards. Let's be honest one of the reasong to have a party and put money into a wedding is the return you get from it, which is gifts. People are too sensitive now a days.0
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I think it is okay to ask for cash. Cash is the right color, it fits in with the decor, they dont have to worry about returning. It allows the recipient to get what is really needed. It saves the giver time and worry of searching for a gift. I would say that there proper etiquette when asking for monetary gifts. Your friend and seach online for proper wording when asking for monetary gifts. I see nothing wrong with asking.0
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I'm getting married in 9 days. However, it is the 2nd marriage for us both and we've lived together for over 2 years and don't need anything material and so haven't registered. That being said we'd love if people gave us money, but would never ask for it. It is a little rude/assuming to out and out ask for it, but I did like the little poem you friend wrote! Keeping my fingers crossed for some checks! lol....
In my day it would have been considered rude to expect any gifts at all for a second marriage.
We aren't expecting anything....we're simply hoping for some money. Which is why we didn't register nor have we asked for anyting. You're quite high and mighty aren't you.
What's "high and mighty" about it? You're not starting out. A second marriage should be a marriage, NOT a "wedding."
Which is why we're having a courthouse wedding and a backyard reception with close friends and family. Fail on your assumption.
Congrats on your happiness Foxy2311.
Don't let the hangry people bother you.
It's none of there business.0 -
Lol, I guess we were "rude" for asking for money in lieu of gifts then. In '98 when we got married, we lived in VA and got married in CA because both our families and friends resided there.
We asked for money because to ship gifts back to VA wouldn't guaranteed that they would arrive there in perfect shape and to pay extra to ensure it would cost a lot more money. We did have a wishing well and received over $6000 and just a couple of gifts that were small enough to put in luggage.
IMO, it's the person's wedding and giving them what they ask is the best thing you can do for them so I have no issue whatsover if money is asked for in lieu of gifts. But maybe I'm just not that sensitive the actual etiquette of it.
A.C.E. Certified Personal/Group FitnessTrainer
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Been in fitness for 28+ years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition0 -
Just to answer a few things that have come up:
She didn't ask, she has just been showing me everything as it comes up, we are close friends, like I said, I am actually MC at the wedding....so we have been talking wedding all along, in fact, I think she was a little stunned that I was stunned....
This is the second marriage for him, but first for her
And yes, she is having a bridal shower and they are having a stag and doe also......0 -
ive never seen it before... but i understand where she's coming from haha. I'm getting married next year and it's not cheap, i would love if my guest would give money instead of gifts as we really don't need anything either.. i don't think i'd come out and say it like she is.. but i did tell my parents that if anyone asks if we need anything to tell them money hahah.
You could always say that you are both saving up for an item that is quite large and money would be invaluable to go towards it.
(You just gotta think up what the "big" item will be though" :oD
And when you purchase that "big item" you should send the contributors a picture or two so they can share your joy.0 -
My husband and I hadn't lived with our parents for a combined total of 15ish years when we married. Needless to say, we didn't need anything that you could register for (toasters, towels, etc).
On our invitation, we wrote something along the lines of, "We're fortunate enough to have a lovely, tiny home filled with everything we need and are not registering for gifts. The best present we can receive is your presence blah blah blah"
Gifts you register for need not be "household" items. My nephew and his bride had what they needed but are avid campers and backpackers. They registered for gear they would like to have but would never buy for themselves. You can register for literally ANYTHING. There is no excuse to ask for cash.
so rude to ask for cash but not rude to ask for camping equipment? thats weird. as for me there really isnt that much i need right now. asking for stuff that you dont really need seems rude to me.
Yes. It's rude to ask for cash. People don't need china and crystal, or matching towels either. EVERYTHING you'd register for as a wedding gift is a "want." But asking for money, especially on the grounds that a wedding is expensive, suggests that the guests at a party you've invited them to, should help finance that party. That isn't what hosts do.
lol im glad my friends aren't this judgemental. my guess is a lot of them are hoping the money will help honeymoon costs or maybe a downpayment on a house or car i dont have any problem with that. i wouldnt have a problem with it if they wanted to spend it all on videogames.0 -
I can understand why it's considered rude or tacky. That's my first thought reading the poem, but if I were going to a wedding and I knew that the Bride and Groom really just needed money, I'd be more than happy to give that to them instead of going out and trying to find a gift. So I guess I'd appreciate it in the end.
I agree most that it just makes sense to not register anywhere, or to only register for a few things you need. I know a lot of registries now have the option of putting gift cards on them or saying "or money" on them basically. I'll probably do that if there isn't much I need, which will probably be likely. I'll need money to pay for the wedding/honeymoon!0 -
That's actually quite common. I know that most Filipino weddings I've been to were cash only. Also, a lot of destination weddings were the same. It just makes like easier for both you and the bride and groom.0
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I think it's really really rude to ask for money. I always give money as a wedding present (around €200) but seeing something like that would make me go and buy them a present just because they pissed me off. I'd think twice about even GOING to the wedding.
Where I live (Ireland), no one 'registers' or has 'showers'. Most people give money, but to ask is just so rude. It's putting people under more pressure when they already have to pay for accomadation, outfits, travel, babysitters etc.... Some people would prefer to buy a present that cost maybe €50 but if they're giving cash they'd have to give more so as not to look mean.
Awful.0 -
While I understand the practicality of this, it is terrible etiquette. It's rude to ask people for money, it's even considered rude for the bride and groom to point out where they are registered. Registry info should go out with shower invites so that it's coming from someone other than the bride.
Speaking of showers, does she want money for her shower too? Sounds like that would be a blast, everyone can see how much the others give, "$40 from Aunt Martha, $20 from Cindy, $120 from Grandma". Yikes.
This is how I've always felt it should be done. Maybe it's just my family but for showers and weddings, the bride and groom NEVER had a hand in anything but registering and then sending thank you notes out if their family and friends were so inclined to seek out the info of where the registries were.
Is a "wedding shower" an American thing? Never heard of this, what's wrong with the hen-do and wedding?! Any excuse for a party I suppose...
I just did a Bridal Shower this past weekend. We have to remember it is for the Bride, so it what she wants and need. Its her day. This Bride wanted and Alphabet Bridal Shower and all that were invited was to wear white. Those invited received and invitation with a letter in the brides name and they were to purchase gifts beginning with that letter. Now, there was also a Wishing Well there for those who want to give money.0 -
It is logical and easy, but extremely tacky. Kinda feels like you are trolling for money. Then you have to make the decision what is the appropriate amount to give.
A co-worker went thru the hassel of registering for fine china, got all she wanted then some, after the wedding returned it all for the cash. Talk about tacky.0 -
I hate giving money or gift cards, its impersonal, i like to give something and if they show it off or use it frequently they can say
"(insert name here ) gave me that on my wedding day"
also when people give me money to buy my own "gift" i usually buy drugs or mcdonalds with it.0 -
My Brother had this at his second wedding as they had both been married before and had all the household goods one could need. They had a white well decorated at the door and had sent out a very similar insert in their invitations. I thought it was great better than getting a bunch of stuff and having to return it.0
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According to technical etiquette, it's extremely rude and tacky to ask for money... it's better to just not register anywhere. People will get the hint. That being said, in some social circles it's normal to do. BUT technically, that is an etiquette fail.
This. Bad form.0 -
I have had this in the last three wedding invitations I have had
"We are sending out this invitation
In hope you’ll join our celebration
But if a gift is your intention
We’ll take this oppurtunity to mention
We have already got a kettle and toaster
crockery, dinner mats, and matching coasters
So rather than something we have already got
We would appreciate money for our honeymoon pot
But most importantly we request
That you come to our wedding as our guest"
Here in England it seems to becoming the norm - I suppose where people co-habit now before marriage your not starting up a new home at the same time as getting married.0
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