My Husband Doesn't Understand - I Need Advice

AprilRenewed

I've been, for the past year or so, working out hard. Most days, I workout about an hour in the morning and an hour in the evening. I'm in the second phase of P90X, and this past week, I added Insanity for a crazy hybrid. I'm always on the lookout for new, healthy foods, and I'm always researching to gain as much knowledge as I can.

Last night, I bought The New Rules of Lifting for Women, and I sat in the evening reading it while my husband watched some show on TV. I rarely watch the shows he watch and normally sit there doing something else - folding laundry, reading, packing lunches, etc.

But when I asked my husband if we could get out his weight bench and set it up in the basement, I guess that was the tipping point.

He's right, that I'm obsessed. I probably do talk to him too much about protein and carbs and the latest thing I learned about muscle group. I probably tell him too much about my workouts and my calorie count and my effort to eat more. It probably is what I talk about the most. Part of the reason I'm obsessed, I know, is because of my past with EDs. But I'm not the only person out there with a passion for health and fitness. These boards are proof of that.

But he said I'm so consumed with all this that I'm going to miss out on everything else.

I see his point, and I'm going to take proper steps to fix that. I don't want either him or my daughter to feel neglected, and my husband has been pretty supportive up till now.

But...he's still unhappy about the weight bench. He says we have no room. We have a HUGE basement, and it's true that there's little extra room right now. But we have a Foozeball table we've used exactly twice. We have a broken pinball machine. Our daughter has literally hundreds of toys she doesn't even remember she has down there and NEVER uses. We have a Wii and an old, big, boxy TV that's never used and a shuffleboard table my husband never finished building.

All those things we DON'T use, and he can't make room for something I WOULD use?

And then he's worried I'll bulk up, but when I try to explain all the ways that's impossible, he doesn't want to listen. Because I'm obsessed.

What should I do?

I don't need the weight bench yet. I'm going to finish out P90X first. And I can probably improvise with the bands and buy some larger weights if I need to to begin doing the NROLFW. So, I think for now, I need to drop the subject. I need to stop raving about how great my workout was or how happy I am I finally bought turkey jerky or how I'm thinking about protein shakes. I DEFINITELY can't bring up the idea of Shawn T's workout for kids for our daughter.

But...anyone else run into this sort of problem? How do you handle it?

Any guys out there have any ideas, from a guys' point of view?

ironanimal

I know sometimes my girlfriend gets obsessed with something to the point of talking about it constantly, and it being her only subject of interest and it drives me crazy. Balance is important; spend time on other interests.

That aside, for your husbands benefit; You do not have enough testosterone in your body as a woman to develop noticable muscle mass quickly - men are doing well to put on 1lb a month of lean muscle and for women it can take upwards of 6 months. The exceptions are in hormonal disorders such as PCOS or getting a helpful jab in the buttcheek. The average woman has only 1/16th the testosterone of the average man.

kcoftx

I don't have any advice but I had to chuckle because I just texted my husband while he is out playing darts just to tell him I can now do real military style push ups! Yep. I talk about it a lot.

AprilRenewed

I know sometimes my girlfriend gets obsessed with something to the point of talking about it constantly, and it being her only subject of interest and it drives me crazy. Balance is important; spend time on other interests.

That aside, for your husbands benefit; You do not have enough testosterone in your body as a woman to develop noticable muscle mass quickly - men are doing well to put on 1lb a month of lean muscle and for women it can take upwards of 6 months. The exceptions are in hormonal disorders such as PCOS or getting a helpful jab in the buttcheek. The average woman has only 1/16th the testosterone of the average man.

I know balance is important, which is why I'm glad my husband told me. I do tend to obsess, and he calls me on it, and I fix it, and we're good.

And I know all that about testosterone...or at least I'm learning. But I don't know how to assure my husband that...especially at this point when I'm trying to tone down my obsession.

And I need his help and support to move things around in the basement so we can make room for it and put it together.

Like I said, I don't need it now, but when I try to explain to him that I WON'T bulk up, I'm not going to add any more time to my workouts (in fact, it may be less), but I DO want the weight bench, he sighs and looks at the TV or computer or something else he's doing and says "All right" or "We'll talk about it later" in that way that means he doesn't want to do it at all.

momma3sweetgirls

Set it up yourself. You could have worse 'obsessions'.

cordianet

I applaud your quest for fitness, but it does sound like you are somewhat obsessed! Instead of p90x and weight benches, what about looking for sports and activities you can all enjoy as a family?. Maybe try riding bikes or going on a hike as a family? Surely there are ways you can find a passion you can pour yourself into that in addition, your whole family can enjoy? Why not get them all obsessed with you? :happy:

As to the weight bench, I guess I would question your need for a weight bench at all. it's actually a very limited device and there's no muscle group you can't activate some other way. Dips and pushups (weighted if necessary), would be some classic examples, but there are many more. Another compromise might be kettlebells. They provide a tremendous workout and take up very little room.

ironanimal

Like I said, I don't need it now, but when I try to explain to him that I WON'T bulk up, I'm not going to add any more time to my workouts (in fact, it may be less), but I DO want the weight bench, he sighs and looks at the TV or computer or something else he's doing and says "All right" or "We'll talk about it later" in that way that means he doesn't want to do it at all.

Tone back your crazy for a week or two. Go have something unhealthy and delicious from a restaurant. When your P90x is a few days from finishing, just casually mention it and ask him for a hand getting the bench set up.

Shrinking_Moody

Set it up yourself. You could have worse 'obsessions'.

I agree. Shove some suff out the way and set it up yourself - or enlist a friends help if your husband isn't willing. Also - I wouldn't call you obsessed, just excited And I can relate.

Bobby_Clerici

I am thankful to have my wife here on MFP and equally obsessed.
If she were not, I'd just do my thing the way I wanted anyway, and if she was too much a crybaby, I'd start throwing stuff out like game tables and whatever to make room.
My health and fitness goals are paramount, and anybody inhibiting that will be miserable living with me; I would see to it.
There are two ways I always get my way.
1. Mutual respect in a relationship [not just talking about SO - ANY relationship: social, sports, business especially]
2. Fear
If a person refuses to reciprocate the respect I show, then just fear me, because I will get even.
Either way I always end up getting what I want.

Remember, the person who cares the least about the relationship gets to write the rules.
And that is why all his toys are taking up most of the space, and you're the one groveling for a few square feet for a weight bench.
Wise up - DEMAND - DON't ASK!
Good Luck:bigsmile:

Kara_xxx

I applaud your quest for fitness, but it does sound like you are somewhat obsessed! Instead of p90x and weight benches, what about looking for sports and activities you can all enjoy as a family? Maybe try riding bikes or going on a hike as a family? Surely there are ways you can find a passion you can pour yourself into that in addition, your whole family can enjoy?

I'm all for balance but if she wants to lift she should lift. Why palm her off with "why not go for a nice stroll or bike ride with the kids"?

I wonder if the same advice had been given to her if she was a guy?

Fred4point0

I would suggest not talking about fitness or foods for awhile and just continue doing your thing. I totally understand how you feel because I'm the same way. I started my weight loss journey in November 2011 and was introduced to MFP in January 2012 by coworkers. I got very excited and I still am. It's all I seemed to talk about at home and at work. Then last month I decide not to mention it at home, to friends and also cut back my use of MFP at work on graveyard albeit on it tonight. Lol. Anyway something exciting happened on Monday. My wife sent me a text while I was working asking me if I would mind training her in the evenings when she got home from work. I almost fell out of my chair. I quickly replied of course and we hit the gym later that evening. I realized that as I gave her more attention, cut down my use of the computer and limited my fitness/food conversations that she really was listening along but maybe felt like she was competing with cyberspace/fitness/mfp friends. She never really complained just lacked interest. Now we are working out together three times a week. How cool is that?

droberts3311

I am not as dedicated as you, but I hear the same thing. I love to read and watch shows about weight loss. It is how I learn and stay motivated. I have about 10-15 more to lose and it is not coming off without a fight! When I do eat something that is not good like the other night I had ice cream and cake @ a party. Everyone made a huge deal of of it, asking are you sick? You never eat that stuff! My husband will say it's not going to hurt you, have some. But most of the time I don't eat like that because it makes me feel so bad after the fact.
Maybe he don't want you to get any thinner or is afraid of losing you. Good luck, you are not alone.

suztheq

Luckily, both me and my boyfriend are mildly obsessed with working out. He loves lifting and I love cycling. It did not reciprocate... We've actually been able to mesh the two together. He bought a bike and is out riding with me and some groups (definitely a work in progress), and I've done Starting Strength and am in Stage 1 of NROLFW -it's been a learning process for me too. I didn't want to get bulky :huh: For your husband's sanity, I can squat more than my body weight and bench over 75% of my body weight. Not a body builder by any means, but for a woman new to lifting, I'd say it's pretty good. I'm not even close to bulky. Maybe your husband if afraid you won't have time for him and your daughter. Maybe there is a bit of jealousy there? It's hard to tell. I guess the main point of all of this is, can you find something to share with him that he is equally passionate about that you guys can do together? Maybe something he has to teach you so he can feel empowered and in his element? I think it's worth a shot to talk to him about it -as long as you can get through it without fighting about it. Good luck! Be sensitive to his feelings, but stay true to you at the same time. Ugh. There's that whole "balance" thing again!

CarolinaGirlinVA

My husband has seen me start dieting and give up. This time around he actually started a betting pool at work as to how long I would last. I am between 165-170 days at this point. He lost the bet months ago. Like you, I am excited about it and still come home after a workout and tell him how many calories I burned, how long my HR was in the zone, how I felt, whatever...I used to think he would get excited with me since he is so fit and has been nagging me to lose weight for years. No, he just tells me everything I am doing wrong. Asks me if I can talk about anything else. Yesterday, I went for a run and when I got home I didn't say anything about it. I put my HRM away, refilled my water bottle and talked to the kids. He actually looked up from his game and asked me about it. I was surprised, but answered.

My advice is if you can, set it up yourself. I have found the less I involve my husband, the less I am discouraged. I get my encouragement from my friends here.

sailorsiren13

Clean out the basement. Those toys could be donated as i'm sure many things could be. I too have a husband who thinks i'm obsessed but because he is active duty military and he reaps the benefits too he doesn't complain much anymore. When he does i tone it back but if you want something done sometimes you just have to do it yourself. So just get a friend to help you and get things done. Good luck to you!

Alexstrasza

I don't really see you as really obsessive. When you get really into health and fitness it becomes a pretty huge and important part of your life. I see nothing negative about that, especially if you are doing it in a healthy manner.

Maybe try getting your husband to workout with you sometimes. Or maybe ask him to just go on a simple walk with you and talk about how his day has been or talk about a dream vacation you'd like to go on someday.

AprilRenewed

Like I said, I don't need it now, but when I try to explain to him that I WON'T bulk up, I'm not going to add any more time to my workouts (in fact, it may be less), but I DO want the weight bench, he sighs and looks at the TV or computer or something else he's doing and says "All right" or "We'll talk about it later" in that way that means he doesn't want to do it at all.

Tone back your crazy for a week or two. Go have something unhealthy and delicious from a restaurant. When your P90x is a few days from finishing, just casually mention it and ask him for a hand getting the bench set up.

I think this is what I'll do IF it turns out I need the weight bench to do the New Rules routine. I don't know. THAT'S why I wanted the weight bench. I definitely need more weights.

As to space in the basement, I do have a little workout corner. I have my TV hanging on the wall in front of my elliptical. I have some kettlebells, and a set of 2lbs, 5lbs, and 10lbs. I also have my floor mats. I use the TV for my DVDs, and I use the TV sometimes if I hop on my elliptical. So it's not like I have NO space down there.

It's that his things take up MORE space than mine. Even our daughter's stuff - which we really, truly have to sort through and give some of it away - is tucked into a giant walk-in closet, book-shelves, drawers and two toy chests. Her stuff doesn't take up too much room either, even though there is an overabundance of it.

mrsmerrithew

Like someone else suggested - set it up yourself.

I am lucky enough to have my husband's support. I wake up at 3 am on gym days - which means I have to go to bed BY 8 at the very latest the night before. He could grumble and get angry about it, but he doesn't. Instead he will settle himself in bed, and goof on the computer or watch tv until he's ready to sleep.

I've never struggled with an ED before though. Maybe that is your husband's concern? That you are TOO into being healthy, and you could take it overboard, which could lead to it being unhealthy?

Have you actually sat down with him and explained WHY this is important to you?

I was extremely unhealthy at one point in my life, and I am no where close to my goal.... but I never ever want to go back to where I was - and if it takes me the rest of my life to reach my goal I will keep doing this because if I stop, I will just become the person I once was and I really don't want that. My husband gets that.

mrsmerrithew

Oh and NROWL4W is an amazing program! I just finished the 2nd stage. Lifting weights makes me feel good about myself, it is seriously a confidence booster to see just what my body can do!

AprilRenewed

Maybe try getting your husband to workout with you sometimes. Or maybe ask him to just go on a simple walk with you and talk about how his day has been or talk about a dream vacation you'd like to go on someday.

This is a joke. It's a good idea for most people, but not my husband. LOL. My husband is not one to spend his time working out. Besides...he's still a smoker. He is in good shape because of his job, but he doesn't and won't workout.

He hates riding bicycles. The only sort of thing I can get him to do is hike, and the last time we did that, he was discouraged by my energy and his lack thereof. It's due mostly, I'm sure, to his years and years of smoking.

*sigh*

barbaracoffing

I agree with Cordianet.....sorry (above), relationships don't demand!!! You do feel good and get excited when working out because you feel better and it is true your partner may not understand. 2 hours a day plus weights everyday? Too much on the body, your body needs time to recuperate! P90X/Insanity is intense! You should probably join a gym to get some variety on machines and free weights and classes as well like pilates/yoga/aqua/zumba etc. Then you solve the problem of not taking up any room, and your husband not knowing what you are doing if it really comes to that. But you should try talking to your family first and involving them in a sport that you all like. Though all kids need to be fit, your daughter might not like Shaun T, she might prefer volleyball or swimming, or she may not share your excitement equally. They do get PE at school and have a long day with homework, etc.

AprilRenewed

I've never struggled with an ED before though. Maybe that is your husband's concern? That you are TOO into being healthy, and you could take it overboard, which could lead to it being unhealthy?

You know...I do think this is part of it. At one point awhile back, he asked me, "You don't think you're taking this too far?" And I know that's what he was thinking about.

And to barbarcoffin - I don't do 2 hours PLUS weights. On my 2 hour days, I do about an hour of weights (sometimes less) and then an hour of cardio (sometimes less). On the other days, it's just cardio.

Ceffy

I agree to both sides here, I think you should be able to do what you want bt i also think that maybe you need to take 5 minutes to think about your OH's thoughts and feelings. Take care not to be boostered up by everyone on here saying "just do what you want regardless" you have to live with your OH, they don't!

It does sound like he is great in supporting you, maybe he just needs to have a bit more involvment in what you're doing or you need more involvement with him & family life. Maybe he's seeing you get more interested in health, thinking you've evolving and changing and that you're going to be a different person (not just looks wise).

Try to get to the bottom of what the real issue is, and then it will come to a crunch, we all make sacrifices for those we love, but we all have our limits too.

SmallMimi

My Hubby let me know this past Saturday that I'm am becoming OCD about losing weight and getting into shape. I explained I share my interests with him, just like he shares what interests him with me. He is just as OCD about his main interest and I have no interest in his hobby but, I listen when he talks, budget money for his excursions and even go with him.

AprilRenewed

I agree to both sides here, I think you should be able to do what you want bt i also think that maybe you need to take 5 minutes to think about your OH's thoughts and feelings. Take care not to be boostered up by everyone on here saying "just do what you want regardless" you have to live with your OH, they don't!

It does sound like he is great in supporting you, maybe he just needs to have a bit more involvment in what you're doing or you need more involvement with him & family life. Maybe he's seeing you get more interested in health, thinking you've evolving and changing and that you're going to be a different person (not just looks wise).

Try to get to the bottom of what the real issue is, and then it will come to a crunch, we all make sacrifices for those we love, but we all have our limits too.

Thank you for this. You know, I never thought that he may fear I'm going to change as a person. Or that I AM changing.

I know that, no matter what, I need to lay off the fitness talk. I'm going to stop reading the book in the evening when we're together as a family and settle for just reading it when I'm in bed (I always read for an hour or so before I go to sleep).

Thank all of you who've given me a slightly different outlook on this and helped me to see how my husband may be looking at it and feeling about it. That's made me feel better...and worse. LOL. Worse for making him feel that way but better because it's not so bleak as I was making it out to be in my head.

He IS extremely patient with all this stuff. It's not too much for him to ask that I wind it down a little bit.

chrishgt4

. I DEFINITELY can't bring up the idea of Shawn T's workout for kids for our daughter.

I know this totally isn't the point of the question, but really - kids shouldn't need tailored workouts. Kids being kids should be out playing, running, jumping, climbing trees.not stood in front of the TV.

As it happens I think most dvd workouts are ridiculous, but for kids - that is definitely where your obsession is leaking over.

Regarding the bench etc. Why do you need him to help? Move the table football, move the toys, or give them away or whatever, put the bench up yourself. What would you have done if you lived alone?

But don't go on about it to him. If it's not something he's interested in then if that is mostly all you talk about to him, he's going to get sick and tired of it. Probably why he's hostile about the bench to be honest. A partner should be interested in your things, even if it's something they don't care about purely because it matters to you. But there is a point at which they won't be able to take it any more. Imagine if all he ever talked about was the poker games he and his friends have or his fantasy football league. You'd probably get pissed off when he asked for a new computer screen so he could pick his teams more easily...

HunterKiller_wechange

Sounds like he's jealous to me. I take it he doesn't work out or have any hobbies he likes to do then. I agree with the comment about setting it up yourself. If he doesn't want help then sod him. I can't see how he can have a problem with you wanting to be fit and healthy and i know it is probally annoying to keep going on to him about protien, muscles ect (e.g. No Steve we don't really care how many eggs you've eaten this week but we will smile and look interested anyway because this is something YOU like to do and........well you get the idea.). We are probably all guilty of something like that on here. He needs to man up and give you some support! Maybe you can get him off his *kitten* and get him working out too. Hope you sort it (him)

AprilRenewed

. I DEFINITELY can't bring up the idea of Shawn T's workout for kids for our daughter.

I know this totally isn't the point of the question, but really - kids shouldn't need tailored workouts. Kids being kids should be out playing, running, jumping, climbing trees.not stood in front of the TV.

As it happens I think most dvd workouts are ridiculous, but for kids - that is definitely where your obsession is leaking over.

Regarding the bench etc. Why do you need him to help? Move the table football, move the toys, or give them away or whatever, put the bench up yourself. What would you have done if you lived alone?

I really was just throwing that out there. I wasn't going to mention it before, and I didn't want our daughter to be doing it. I guess I was just throwing it out there to emphasize my point.

Our daughter is plenty active and healthy, so no worries.

And if I lived alone, I'd be in an apartment with free use of their gym.

I don't want to spend money on a gym membership when I don't have to.

Oh, I didn't mention I have bands too...or did I?

Dauntlessness

I have been married for 11 years now. I talk about fitness obsessively and it probably drives my husband crazy sometimes. Saying that, he does the exact same thing to me about electronics or new technology. Its part of a marriage to suck it up and support the other person even if its something your not interested in.

Neglecting yourself IS neglecting your husband and daughter. If your not happy, no one is. Resentment is one of those emotions that can creep into a relationship and stay for longer then it should if you dont nip it in the bud when you first start feeling it. You deserve to do the things you want to do too. Do not let anyone come between your goals, especially when its a very healthy one.

Here are some solutions:
1. Join a gym and set aside 1-2 hours a day to focus on your health. If childcare is the issue, the YWCA/YMCA has great programs for kids and your daughter will have a blast doing them while you work out! Plus, it encourages her to be healthy throughout her life. Attend a class-zumba, aerobics, etc and make friends that you can talk about health with. Talk on mfp. Keep your "health talk" limited with the husband. Tell him about accomplishments and what you did that day but keep it short and sweet. He should support you but you should also give him the consideration that he may not want to be as involved as you.

2. Maybe find something active you can all do together that HE likes to do. Even if its low impact like canoeing or walking...why not? Disc golf is super fun, thats worth a try!

3. I wonder how much room you have in the basement? If it takes up less then 1/2 of the room...then he is being unreasonable.
If you don't use that room at all, then...again unreasonable. I know you already have a weight bench but are there any gyms out there that fold up and you can shove in a corner? If so, that's a great compromise.

4. If you don't have the opportunity to go to the gym, well...honestly I would find a way to. That really solves your problems and you don't need a bench. But if your hell bent on not going and only want to work out at home, find a buddy to go walking/running, do exercise videos together, or have basement gym time with them.

Hope that helps! Friend me if you want, I am a exercise addict. haha

chrishgt4

. I DEFINITELY can't bring up the idea of Shawn T's workout for kids for our daughter.

I know this totally isn't the point of the question, but really - kids shouldn't need tailored workouts. Kids being kids should be out playing, running, jumping, climbing trees.not stood in front of the TV.

As it happens I think most dvd workouts are ridiculous, but for kids - that is definitely where your obsession is leaking over.

Regarding the bench etc. Why do you need him to help? Move the table football, move the toys, or give them away or whatever, put the bench up yourself. What would you have done if you lived alone?

I really was just throwing that out there. I wasn't going to mention it before, and I didn't want our daughter to be doing it. I guess I was just throwing it out there to emphasize my point.

Our daughter is plenty active and healthy, so no worries.

And if I lived alone, I'd be in an apartment with free use of their gym.

I don't want to spend money on a gym membership when I don't have to.

Oh, I didn't mention I have bands too...or did I?

Ok, just that sort of thing is one of my bugbears, wasn't trying to jump on you.

Added a bit to me previous comment as well...

brneydgrlie

Tell you husband the following:

1) You hear his point, and it is valid. You are taking steps to remedy the situation, but you are never going to stop exercising altogether.

2) Having the weight bench for a new exercise routine is actually going to cut down your workout time. This will enable you to spend more time together as a family.

3) As for not having room, that is also a good point. Maybe it is time to de-clutter and have a garage sale?

For yourself, keep in mind that in many cases people who have/have recovered from EDs can have addictive or obsessive personalities. Take a good look at yourself, and see if this applies to you. Then, give hubby a big kiss, and thank him for trying to bring balance to your life!

Good luck! :happy: