My Husband Doesn't Understand - I Need Advice
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I think you and your husband have a healthy relationship and you describe him as supportive and loving. I just think your timing is all wrong. It sounds like that is his time to wind down and relax and think of nothing and television lets him zone. Mentioning a small task ( the weight bench) to him probably signaled to him all the other small tasks (toys, games, unfinished projects, etc.) you mentioned that translated to a LARGE task. You got some great advice here, and so did I, but the most important thing to do is to let him know how much you appreciate him on a regular basis. Get obsessed about him, love on him, increase your sex life, and then he will see the advantages of your work out obsession
As for your daughter, I think you could elicit help from her to help you clean out all the toys in the basement and to give to children who do not have many toys. In fact, it could be a regular thing to do around a birthday or holiday where the receipt of gifts are plenty. Children who grow up with a giving nature tend to be more compassionate adults. Then you and your daughter have a bonding time, she learns important lessons, and your husband doesn't get stuck doing chores he doesn't want to do. He will make sure your weight bench will show up
Be kind to yourself, but be kinder to others along the way 0 -
How about organizing the basement, sorting stuff into store, keep and sell piles and have a garage sale if you really have that much stuff in your basement? Then you'll have the room, some extra cash for a date night with hubby or maybe even a fun weekend get away as a family.0
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The OP is asking for the most normal thing in the world... a bit of me time, to be fit and healthy, and a bit of space clearing out disused junk from the basement to do some weights at home.
Her training is done totally outside family time as she finishes work early afternoon.
However, smoking, non-exercising hubby, who thinks nothing of going fishing for 3 hours gets his knickers in a twist... and instantly some people are having a moral outcry of the OP neglecting her duties as a wife and mother, needs to reign it in, remember her place in life and go back to being a good girl pronto... and poor OP comes back with posts saying she is feeling guilty and ashamed.
Well done. I feel like someone has transported me back into the middle ages.0 -
I think you and your husband have a healthy relationship and you describe him as supportive and loving. I just think your timing is all wrong. It sounds like that is his time to wind down and relax and think of nothing and television lets him zone. Mentioning a small task ( the weight bench) to him probably signaled to him all the other small tasks (toys, games, unfinished projects, etc.) you mentioned that translated to a LARGE task. You got some great advice here, and so did I, but the most important thing to do is to let him know how much you appreciate him on a regular basis. Get obsessed about him, love on him, increase your sex life, and then he will see the advantages of your work out obsession
As for your daughter, I think you could elicit help from her to help you clean out all the toys in the basement and to give to children who do not have many toys. In fact, it could be a regular thing to do around a birthday or holiday where the receipt of gifts are plenty. Children who grow up with a giving nature tend to be more compassionate adults. Then you and your daughter have a bonding time, she learns important lessons, and your husband doesn't get stuck doing chores he doesn't want to do. He will make sure your weight bench will show up
Be kind to yourself, but be kinder to others along the way
This is wonderful. Thank you. You are right about, well, about it all.
And I've already done some of that with my daughter. The thing is, she's actually my stepdaughter. We have her half the time. My husband is amazing as far as expecting her to listen to me, and honestly, she treats me the same way she treats her bio-mom and father. She was only 5 when I came into the picture, so it was the best age. My point is, I didn't carry her in my belly, but she is my DAUGHTER regardless, and my husband as well as she both treat me as her MOTHER.
HOWEVER, some things I have to tread lightly on. Getting rid of all her things - she's a packrat who doesn't want to get rid of ANYthing, even a tag that was on a new piece of clothing - is kinda tricky. I have to wait on my husband to initiate that one, and he knows it's time. He's mentioned that once or twice. Now the trick is making the time on one of the weekends we have her...and summertime is not good for that because of our weekend trips to the creek.0 -
Let it rest a week or two (depending on his attention span), then start on organizing the basement, donating unwanted items, maybe finishing a project, and throwing out the broken items. Even if you don't get your weight bench, you've made room for family activities (Wii Bowling or whatever) that you all can enjoy.
As was previously mentioned, you don't necessarily need a full on machine. Try just a cleverly disguised bench for rows, dips, etc etc that can also be used as seating? The only way I got my wife to let me use the garage for working out is I have everything either able to fold up out of the way, or used for multiple things (bench for rows is the bench for bros)0 -
He hasnt, as far as the basement goes. Its mostly HIS stuff down there that he doesn't use. I see no reason why she cant set up a weight bench to do a workout in the afternoon after work, that she does anyway. and still have the evening with the family.
That's why they talk it through. When one party does not compromise, there's a reason. To the OP, I promise, if you just do it anyway and say to yourself "he didn't compromise, so I won't", all you'll do is drive a wedge between you. A proud man will not accept this and will continue to be upset about it for a VERY LONG time. Respect is VERY important to men; we look for it in many ways, but it is fundamental to our core being. Setting up a weight bench anyway when he's not supportive would be a slap in the face to him. Hurt his ego and you'll hurt him deep down. It take a long time for such hurts to heal.0 -
The OP is asking for the most normal thing in the world... a bit of me time, to be fit and healthy, and a bit of space clearing out disused junk from the basement to do some weights at home.
Her training is done totally outside family time as she finishes work early afternoon.
However, smoking, non-exercising hubby, who thinks nothing of going fishing for 3 hours gets his knickers in a twist... and instantly some people are having a moral outcry of the OP neglecting her duties as a wife and mother, needs to reign it in, remember her place in life and go back to being a good girl pronto... and poor OP comes back with posts saying she is feeling guilty and ashamed.
Well done. I feel like someone has transported me back into the middle ages.
No, you really couldn't be more wrong. Seriously. I thank you so much for the support, but it's not like that at all. My husband doesn't want me to feel guilty. In fact, I know him, and after our talk this morning, I know that he's now forgotten it. He told me how he felt. End of story. Problem solved. The next step is mine.
Tonight's a little bit different because our daughter has horseback riding after I pick her up from daycare. We won't get home until 530/6. My workout won't be done until 7. But if I were to go home tonight and tell my husband that today will be my rest day, he would tell me that's not what he intended by our conversation. He wasn't asking me to change my workout routine.
He's just wanting some attention in the evenings, after the workout is done. Attention that isn't telling him all about what I learned today regarding fitness.
That's not too much to ask. I'd probably feel the same way if the situation were reversed.0 -
As the extremely stubborn person I am, I'd clear out space in the basement and set up the bench myself.
But I also think 2 hours a day is a bit excessive, and so is talking about calories and macros. And I admit, I do that, too, and it's something I struggle to NOT do. I remind myself that eating and exercise is basic body maintenance... I wouldn't discuss coloring my roots or shaving my legs or tweezing my eyebrows with my husband, maybe I shouldn't talk about calories, either.
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He hasnt, as far as the basement goes. Its mostly HIS stuff down there that he doesn't use. I see no reason why she cant set up a weight bench to do a workout in the afternoon after work, that she does anyway. and still have the evening with the family.
That's why they talk it through. When one party does not compromise, there's a reason. To the OP, I promise, if you just do it anyway and say to yourself "he didn't compromise, so I won't", all you'll do is drive a wedge between you. A proud man will not accept this and will continue to be upset about it for a VERY LONG time. Respect is VERY important to men; we look for it in many ways, but it is fundamental to our core being. Setting up a weight bench anyway when he's not supportive would be a slap in the face to him. Hurt his ego and you'll hurt him deep down. It take a long time for such hurts to heal.
I wasn't going to do that at all. I know a lot of people suggested I just put it up myself, but it's not about "girl power." It is about our marriage. I won't put it up myself. If we end up putting it up, it will be of mutual agreement between us both. And you're right - respect is huge. I know it is for my husband. HUGE. And I respect that about him.0 -
In life nice people, cultures, nations and sports teams finish last.I am thankful to have my wife here on MFP and equally obsessed.
If she were not, I'd just do my thing the way I wanted anyway, and if she was too much a crybaby, I'd start throwing stuff out like game tables and whatever to make room.
My health and fitness goals are paramount, and anybody inhibiting that will be miserable living with me; I would see to it.
There are two ways I always get my way.
1. Mutual respect in a relationship [not just talking about SO - ANY relationship: social, sports, business especially]
2. Fear
If a person refuses to reciprocate the respect I show, then just fear me, because I will get even.
Either way I always end up getting what I want.
Remember, the person who cares the least about the relationship gets to write the rules.
And that is why all his toys are taking up most of the space, and you're the one groveling for a few square feet for a weight bench.
Wise up - DEMAND - DON't ASK!
Good Luck:bigsmile:
...what he said!!!!!
I like being first. To each his own....:smokin:0 -
As the extremely stubborn person I am, I'd clear out space in the basement and set up the bench myself.
But I also think 2 hours a day is a bit excessive, and so is talking about calories and macros. And I admit, I do that, too, and it's something I struggle to NOT do. I remind myself that eating and exercise is basic body maintenance... I wouldn't discuss coloring my roots or shaving my legs or tweezing my eyebrows with my husband, maybe I shouldn't talk about calories, either.
Ha, you're right, and I am going to stop all the fitness talk. I have you guys here, and I have some friends at work with whom I share recipes and stuff with...I'm good. I don't need to bore him with it.
And, I actually do have other interests. Kinda. LOL0 -
The OP is asking for the most normal thing in the world... a bit of me time, to be fit and healthy, and a bit of space clearing out disused junk from the basement to do some weights at home.
Her training is done totally outside family time as she finishes work early afternoon.
However, smoking, non-exercising hubby, who thinks nothing of going fishing for 3 hours gets his knickers in a twist... and instantly some people are having a moral outcry of the OP neglecting her duties as a wife and mother, needs to reign it in, remember her place in life and go back to being a good girl pronto... and poor OP comes back with posts saying she is feeling guilty and ashamed.
Well done. I feel like someone has transported me back into the middle ages.
No, you really couldn't be more wrong. Seriously. I thank you so much for the support, but it's not like that at all. My husband doesn't want me to feel guilty. In fact, I know him, and after our talk this morning, I know that he's now forgotten it. He told me how he felt. End of story. Problem solved. The next step is mine.
Tonight's a little bit different because our daughter has horseback riding after I pick her up from daycare. We won't get home until 530/6. My workout won't be done until 7. But if I were to go home tonight and tell my husband that today will be my rest day, he would tell me that's not what he intended by our conversation. He wasn't asking me to change my workout routine.
He's just wanting some attention in the evenings, after the workout is done. Attention that isn't telling him all about what I learned today regarding fitness.
That's not too much to ask. I'd probably feel the same way if the situation were reversed.
Sweety you misunderstood. Reading some of the posts here made you come back posting saying you were feeling guilty. Nothing your hubby had done.0 -
^^^^^^^^^The OP is asking for the most normal thing in the world... a bit of me time, to be fit and healthy, and a bit of space clearing out disused junk from the basement to do some weights at home.
Her training is done totally outside family time as she finishes work early afternoon.
However, smoking, non-exercising hubby, who thinks nothing of going fishing for 3 hours gets his knickers in a twist... and instantly some people are having a moral outcry of the OP neglecting her duties as a wife and mother, needs to reign it in, remember her place in life and go back to being a good girl pronto... and poor OP comes back with posts saying she is feeling guilty and ashamed.
Well done. I feel like someone has transported me back into the middle ages.
THIS
It's not like she's asking for him to sell a kidney for a boob job.0 -
What should I do?
Listen to your husband. From what you've described, he's right: you're going OCD on this.
Fitness is a lifestyle choice, but it should not be your life. If you are spending much more than an hour each day on exercise, and you are not making a career out of it (body building, etc.), then you are out of balance.
I would suggest you consider alternate days for your various exercise activities, limiting each day to about an hour. Once you have finished a particular workout routine (30 day shred or whatever), then change focus to something else, like lifting weights. IOW, in order to start something new, you have to give up something that you are currently doing.
Spend time with your daughter and husband doing something that they enjoy - not exercise or fitness related. A family activity or sport can be quite helpful in overcoming some of the tension while getting family members more active. (Think bowling or something similar.)0 -
In my opinion as far as working out it sounds like a great job, but you don't exactly need a weight set if you know how to use your own body as a tool. I thought going to the gym would help me cuz they had weights but I'm getting better results off of work out DVD's. There are lots of things you can do as a family that you can still get exercise. Go swimming, play a game of soccer or volleyball, bike ride, etc. It might not be so bad if you make it sound like fun with your family instead of a serious workout. It's a good way to keep them active as well. Also, it sounds like you can get a workout cleaning out the basement if there's a lot of things you don't use. Don't miss out on alot just because you want to stay fit. There are other options.0
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I agree. Ton it back for a while. Focus on your P90x and make a conscious effort to engage your husband in conversations not about fitness for a while. I have a friend who is more obsessed than me and I find myself wanting to spend less and less time with her. It is fine to have a passion and you have friends here who can share that passion but when you aren't with people who share the same thing you need to find what you do have in common and do that.
I think if you can commit to making a change and making your husband and daughter feel included in your life and not just as supporting cast then you will find next time you broach the subject of the bench (give it a month - more so to help you focus on your family than just giving your hubby a break) I think you will find that they will be a lot more supportive.0 -
He hasnt, as far as the basement goes. Its mostly HIS stuff down there that he doesn't use. I see no reason why she cant set up a weight bench to do a workout in the afternoon after work, that she does anyway. and still have the evening with the family.
That's why they talk it through. When one party does not compromise, there's a reason. To the OP, I promise, if you just do it anyway and say to yourself "he didn't compromise, so I won't", all you'll do is drive a wedge between you. A proud man will not accept this and will continue to be upset about it for a VERY LONG time. Respect is VERY important to men; we look for it in many ways, but it is fundamental to our core being. Setting up a weight bench anyway when he's not supportive would be a slap in the face to him. Hurt his ego and you'll hurt him deep down. It take a long time for such hurts to heal.
I wasn't going to do that at all. I know a lot of people suggested I just put it up myself, but it's not about "girl power." It is about our marriage. I won't put it up myself. If we end up putting it up, it will be of mutual agreement between us both. And you're right - respect is huge. I know it is for my husband. HUGE. And I respect that about him.
Then I think you answered your own initial question. Saying "if" you put it up pretty much says it all. In that case, you may as well keep the status quo. You know your H better than we do. Good luck!0 -
As a Beachbody coach I understand EXACTLY where you're coming from! I have done P90X, Insanity, Asylum and am now on the Reset. My husband is happy that I'm getting healthy and strong for two very important reasons: I feel better, and our kids are seeing that I'm able to spend less time worrying about my weight and more with them.
I think if he sees that you can find balance in this he'd become even MORE supportive. I also think you might be working out too much, unless you're doing the doubles routine. Over training is not healthy, and I'm sure you know you need to let your body heal. I personally used to workout like you, all the time, constantly obsessing over everything I ate. Once I found that that's not healthy, and a better way to balance my love of fitness with my relationships everything came together.
I think you'd be PERFECT as a Beachbody coach yourself! It would be a way for you to do what you love, help others and make a side income. If you're interested let me know, and above all good luck! I think it's awesome you're getting healthy, just find that balance!0 -
Orthorexia is just as bad as anorexia, IMHO! Two hours a day? That's a bit much and not necessary for health or fitness.0
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There's a difference between being passionate about something and being obsessed. And since you have struggled with ED in the past, your husband is seeing another aspect of obsessive behaviour - perhaps you have shifted your obsession with your ED to now this.
The reason he doesn't want t set up the bench has nothing to do with "no room" or "bulking up". He is probably feeling that yet another obsession will take time away from him and your family. Or that you will be entering into another unhealthy pattern. Whatever it is, it is based on past experience. Perhaps what you should do is try to understand why he's feeling the way he is, and then take it from there.0
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