My Husband Doesn't Understand - I Need Advice

AprilRenewed

I've never struggled with an ED before though. Maybe that is your husband's concern? That you are TOO into being healthy, and you could take it overboard, which could lead to it being unhealthy?

You know...I do think this is part of it. At one point awhile back, he asked me, "You don't think you're taking this too far?" And I know that's what he was thinking about.

And to barbarcoffin - I don't do 2 hours PLUS weights. On my 2 hour days, I do about an hour of weights (sometimes less) and then an hour of cardio (sometimes less). On the other days, it's just cardio.

Ceffy

I agree to both sides here, I think you should be able to do what you want bt i also think that maybe you need to take 5 minutes to think about your OH's thoughts and feelings. Take care not to be boostered up by everyone on here saying "just do what you want regardless" you have to live with your OH, they don't!

It does sound like he is great in supporting you, maybe he just needs to have a bit more involvment in what you're doing or you need more involvement with him & family life. Maybe he's seeing you get more interested in health, thinking you've evolving and changing and that you're going to be a different person (not just looks wise).

Try to get to the bottom of what the real issue is, and then it will come to a crunch, we all make sacrifices for those we love, but we all have our limits too.

SmallMimi

My Hubby let me know this past Saturday that I'm am becoming OCD about losing weight and getting into shape. I explained I share my interests with him, just like he shares what interests him with me. He is just as OCD about his main interest and I have no interest in his hobby but, I listen when he talks, budget money for his excursions and even go with him.

AprilRenewed

I agree to both sides here, I think you should be able to do what you want bt i also think that maybe you need to take 5 minutes to think about your OH's thoughts and feelings. Take care not to be boostered up by everyone on here saying "just do what you want regardless" you have to live with your OH, they don't!

It does sound like he is great in supporting you, maybe he just needs to have a bit more involvment in what you're doing or you need more involvement with him & family life. Maybe he's seeing you get more interested in health, thinking you've evolving and changing and that you're going to be a different person (not just looks wise).

Try to get to the bottom of what the real issue is, and then it will come to a crunch, we all make sacrifices for those we love, but we all have our limits too.

Thank you for this. You know, I never thought that he may fear I'm going to change as a person. Or that I AM changing.

I know that, no matter what, I need to lay off the fitness talk. I'm going to stop reading the book in the evening when we're together as a family and settle for just reading it when I'm in bed (I always read for an hour or so before I go to sleep).

Thank all of you who've given me a slightly different outlook on this and helped me to see how my husband may be looking at it and feeling about it. That's made me feel better...and worse. LOL. Worse for making him feel that way but better because it's not so bleak as I was making it out to be in my head.

He IS extremely patient with all this stuff. It's not too much for him to ask that I wind it down a little bit.

chrishgt4

. I DEFINITELY can't bring up the idea of Shawn T's workout for kids for our daughter.

I know this totally isn't the point of the question, but really - kids shouldn't need tailored workouts. Kids being kids should be out playing, running, jumping, climbing trees.not stood in front of the TV.

As it happens I think most dvd workouts are ridiculous, but for kids - that is definitely where your obsession is leaking over.

Regarding the bench etc. Why do you need him to help? Move the table football, move the toys, or give them away or whatever, put the bench up yourself. What would you have done if you lived alone?

But don't go on about it to him. If it's not something he's interested in then if that is mostly all you talk about to him, he's going to get sick and tired of it. Probably why he's hostile about the bench to be honest. A partner should be interested in your things, even if it's something they don't care about purely because it matters to you. But there is a point at which they won't be able to take it any more. Imagine if all he ever talked about was the poker games he and his friends have or his fantasy football league. You'd probably get pissed off when he asked for a new computer screen so he could pick his teams more easily...

HunterKiller_wechange

Sounds like he's jealous to me. I take it he doesn't work out or have any hobbies he likes to do then. I agree with the comment about setting it up yourself. If he doesn't want help then sod him. I can't see how he can have a problem with you wanting to be fit and healthy and i know it is probally annoying to keep going on to him about protien, muscles ect (e.g. No Steve we don't really care how many eggs you've eaten this week but we will smile and look interested anyway because this is something YOU like to do and........well you get the idea.). We are probably all guilty of something like that on here. He needs to man up and give you some support! Maybe you can get him off his *kitten* and get him working out too. Hope you sort it (him)

AprilRenewed

. I DEFINITELY can't bring up the idea of Shawn T's workout for kids for our daughter.

I know this totally isn't the point of the question, but really - kids shouldn't need tailored workouts. Kids being kids should be out playing, running, jumping, climbing trees.not stood in front of the TV.

As it happens I think most dvd workouts are ridiculous, but for kids - that is definitely where your obsession is leaking over.

Regarding the bench etc. Why do you need him to help? Move the table football, move the toys, or give them away or whatever, put the bench up yourself. What would you have done if you lived alone?

I really was just throwing that out there. I wasn't going to mention it before, and I didn't want our daughter to be doing it. I guess I was just throwing it out there to emphasize my point.

Our daughter is plenty active and healthy, so no worries.

And if I lived alone, I'd be in an apartment with free use of their gym.

I don't want to spend money on a gym membership when I don't have to.

Oh, I didn't mention I have bands too...or did I?

Dauntlessness

I have been married for 11 years now. I talk about fitness obsessively and it probably drives my husband crazy sometimes. Saying that, he does the exact same thing to me about electronics or new technology. Its part of a marriage to suck it up and support the other person even if its something your not interested in.

Neglecting yourself IS neglecting your husband and daughter. If your not happy, no one is. Resentment is one of those emotions that can creep into a relationship and stay for longer then it should if you dont nip it in the bud when you first start feeling it. You deserve to do the things you want to do too. Do not let anyone come between your goals, especially when its a very healthy one.

Here are some solutions:
1. Join a gym and set aside 1-2 hours a day to focus on your health. If childcare is the issue, the YWCA/YMCA has great programs for kids and your daughter will have a blast doing them while you work out! Plus, it encourages her to be healthy throughout her life. Attend a class-zumba, aerobics, etc and make friends that you can talk about health with. Talk on mfp. Keep your "health talk" limited with the husband. Tell him about accomplishments and what you did that day but keep it short and sweet. He should support you but you should also give him the consideration that he may not want to be as involved as you.

2. Maybe find something active you can all do together that HE likes to do. Even if its low impact like canoeing or walking...why not? Disc golf is super fun, thats worth a try!

3. I wonder how much room you have in the basement? If it takes up less then 1/2 of the room...then he is being unreasonable.
If you don't use that room at all, then...again unreasonable. I know you already have a weight bench but are there any gyms out there that fold up and you can shove in a corner? If so, that's a great compromise.

4. If you don't have the opportunity to go to the gym, well...honestly I would find a way to. That really solves your problems and you don't need a bench. But if your hell bent on not going and only want to work out at home, find a buddy to go walking/running, do exercise videos together, or have basement gym time with them.

Hope that helps! Friend me if you want, I am a exercise addict. haha

chrishgt4

. I DEFINITELY can't bring up the idea of Shawn T's workout for kids for our daughter.

I know this totally isn't the point of the question, but really - kids shouldn't need tailored workouts. Kids being kids should be out playing, running, jumping, climbing trees.not stood in front of the TV.

As it happens I think most dvd workouts are ridiculous, but for kids - that is definitely where your obsession is leaking over.

Regarding the bench etc. Why do you need him to help? Move the table football, move the toys, or give them away or whatever, put the bench up yourself. What would you have done if you lived alone?

I really was just throwing that out there. I wasn't going to mention it before, and I didn't want our daughter to be doing it. I guess I was just throwing it out there to emphasize my point.

Our daughter is plenty active and healthy, so no worries.

And if I lived alone, I'd be in an apartment with free use of their gym.

I don't want to spend money on a gym membership when I don't have to.

Oh, I didn't mention I have bands too...or did I?

Ok, just that sort of thing is one of my bugbears, wasn't trying to jump on you.

Added a bit to me previous comment as well...

brneydgrlie

Tell you husband the following:

1) You hear his point, and it is valid. You are taking steps to remedy the situation, but you are never going to stop exercising altogether.

2) Having the weight bench for a new exercise routine is actually going to cut down your workout time. This will enable you to spend more time together as a family.

3) As for not having room, that is also a good point. Maybe it is time to de-clutter and have a garage sale?

For yourself, keep in mind that in many cases people who have/have recovered from EDs can have addictive or obsessive personalities. Take a good look at yourself, and see if this applies to you. Then, give hubby a big kiss, and thank him for trying to bring balance to your life!

Good luck! :happy:

Dave198lbs

Sounds like he's jealous to me.

I would NOT jump to this conclusion. Imagine him being obsessed with something and you not being into it much. If you are doing P90X AND insanity, and always talking carbs and protein and what not, it could get old for anyone not all into that stuff.

just do your thing and go about your business and live it more and talk it less.

AprilRenewed

Sounds like he's jealous to me. I take it he doesn't work out or have any hobbies he likes to do then. I agree with the comment about setting it up yourself. If he doesn't want help then sod him. I can't see how he can have a problem with you wanting to be fit and healthy and i know it is probally annoying to keep going on to him about protien, muscles ect (e.g. No Steve we don't really care how many eggs you've eaten this week but we will smile and look interested anyway because this is something YOU like to do and........well you get the idea.). We are probably all guilty of something like that on here. He needs to man up and give you some support! Maybe you can get him off his *kitten* and get him working out too. Hope you sort it (him)

See, that's the thing. He appreciates that I work on my body because he likes that I look good. He HAS supported me. It's not that he's NOT. I think, as others have mentioned, there's more at play here.

And I can't spend all my time talking about fitness and working out rather than with my family. So as I've said, I'm glad he pointed it out that it had gone that far.

amy1612

I applaud your quest for fitness, but it does sound like you are somewhat obsessed! Instead of p90x and weight benches, what about looking for sports and activities you can all enjoy as a family? Maybe try riding bikes or going on a hike as a family? Surely there are ways you can find a passion you can pour yourself into that in addition, your whole family can enjoy?

I'm all for balance but if she wants to lift she should lift. Why palm her off with "why not go for a nice stroll or bike ride with the kids"?

I wonder if the same advice had been given to her if she was a guy?

Took the words right out of my mouth. Everyone needs something for themselves, ESPECIALLY mothers, who are often expected to be just that, and nothing else.

AprilRenewed

Sounds like he's jealous to me.

I would NOT jump to this conclusion. Imagine him being obsessed with something and you not being into it much. If you are doing P90X AND insanity, and always talking carbs and protein and what not, it could get old for anyone not all into that stuff.

just do your thing and go about your business and live it more and talk it less.

This is exactly what I think I'm coming to understand. I never once thought he was jealous of me. LOL. That is laughable, honestly.

I like what you're saying though - live it more and talk it less.

Only, obviously, but live it more, that doesn't mean add another hour to my workout routine. I know exactly what you mean, and I think I'm going to make that my motto next time I find myself about to tell my husband about the latest protein shake (for example).

pupcamper

I do tend to obsess, and he calls me on it, and I fix it, and we're good.

And I need his help and support to move things around in the basement so we can make room for it and put it together.

but I DO want the weight bench, he sighs and looks at the TV or computer or something else he's doing and says "All right" or "We'll talk about it later" in that way that means he doesn't want to do it at all.

Your relationship doesn't sound so good, it sounds like by I fix it you mean I go ahead and do what I want! Maybe he feels that if he "let's" you have the weights bench in the basement you will become even more obsessed with you. Who wants to feel like they are competing for their partners attention with a weights bench!

Please don't think I am knocking your working out or trying to judge you, I'm not I usually workout 5 days a week and I have a husband and son and know how important it is to have your own space. The issue here is that your family don't feel like you aren't an active part of the unit because you are too focused on you. Is there anyway you could use MFP for the majority of your lifestyle chit chat and spend some more quality time with your family talking about things you are all interetsed in. Maybe you feel like you have balance but it doesn't sound like they do. If you want that bench in the basement without wrecking your relationship I think you need to make your husband feel like he is as important to you as your lifestyle that he isn't involved in. Good luck I hope you find a balance that you are all truly happy with! :drinker:

hbunting86

I guess if you're making a lifestyle change - and it is exactly that, then is IS going to be something that you talk about and obsess a bit about for a while. It's a big part of your life, so the inevitability is that you'll want to talk about that - you shouldn't feel like you have to stifle that out of fear of being criticised by other people.

For me, if you really do want to set the bench up explain to him how important it is to you. You have your roles as a wife and as a mother, but it's also important that you have time that is focused purely upon making yourself feel happy. If you don't get that, that's when those other roles start to become compromised.

Regarding him worrying about past ED issues maybe sit down and have a proper chat about it. Perhaps he misinterprets your interest and passion for fitness as one of obsessing over weight-related issues, and sees himself as trying to protect you from possibly revisiting old ground. Give him the NROLFW to have a flick through, or leave it on the coffee table or something for him to find. There's also the possibility that he might take a shine to the workout bench once it's set up too

tcunbeliever

My conversation with my husband would be similar, but he wouldn't be worried about me obsessing (he's used to that) he would just be worried that I would want to get rid of stuff in the basement (he's a pack rat). Sounds like you have some time to get everything ready, and it sounds like the basement could use some cleaning up and sorting through...so, maybe you can get him involved in helping with that, maybe you will be better off doing it by yourself, but in either case maybe now is the time to work on that so that when it comes time to do the bench set-up all the prep work will already be done. And it's probably worth trying to talk to him about the bench later, when he's calm, and receptive...like after sex...men are always much more pleasant to deal with after a good lay.

kaotik26

I do chatter at my husband about exercise and eating and all that. He always gives me a 'look' when I say "I can't eat anymore, I'm out of calories" But then again, he never stops talking about work...I get so tired of listening to him go on and on about work! Maybe that's what is up with your husband. He would just like to have a conversation with you that doesn't involve calories and Shaun T and sweat! Maybe you need a date night or something that includes a promise not to talk about all that stuff.

fishergreen

We always say men do not communicate, well this is his way of telling you something that you need to listen to. He's most likely afraid that you are going to add another thing to your exercise list that takes your time away from him. I would wait till you are done with Insanity and then ask so he knows this is a replacement for that hour, not something additional. I love to read and when I get into a good book my husband starts making comments about it, but it's his way of saying get your nose out of your book for at least one night and pay attention to me. It sounds like you need to just find some balance and he'll go back to being supportive again.

HunterKiller_wechange

Looks like i may have jumped into this one without taking enough time to look at all the angles. Apologies.