My Husband Doesn't Understand - I Need Advice
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There's a difference between being passionate about something and being obsessed. And since you have struggled with ED in the past, your husband is seeing another aspect of obsessive behaviour - perhaps you have shifted your obsession with your ED to now this.
The reason he doesn't want t set up the bench has nothing to do with "no room" or "bulking up". He is probably feeling that yet another obsession will take time away from him and your family. Or that you will be entering into another unhealthy pattern. Whatever it is, it is based on past experience. Perhaps what you should do is try to understand why he's feeling the way he is, and then take it from there.
You're right. And I fear this is what I'm doing. Switching one obsession to another...meaning I haven't dealt with my own issues as I thought I had when I stopped binging/purging and allowed myself to actually eat. I haven't beaten the ed yet, have I?0 -
There are a ton of responses here and I honestly didn't read them all so I don't know if my reply has been expressed already. My wife and I have been married 20 years and we've been together 25. There have been numerous times over the years when we're not in sync with each other regarding our interests. She started MFP about 6 months ago and became what I thought of as obsessed...entering her food on her smart phone while we were actually eating and our daughters were talking about their day at school, refusing to eat certain dinner foods that I had prepared (I was a chef in college so I do the cooking) and taking time away from work to go to the gym (she runs her own business so time away from work is revenue not earned). I started out upset but over time I realized there were a lot of good changes happening to her...physically & emotionally. There were other benefits (of a marital nature) that were also a result of her physical & emotional transformation and I started to realize I needed to either join her or risk losing her. I joined her and it's been great. I've lost 20lbs and have a new goal to lose another 30 and we're doing this together which helps us maintain a closeness born of shared goals that often is lacking when couples start to drift away from each other when the kids get older. For men, their wives are often their closest or possibly even their ONLY strong emotional relationship. Women routinely have emotional outlets and connections with their mothers, sisters, girlfriends, neighbors, MFP friends, etc. If we're lucky, men have one and are jealous and protective of their connection with their wives. Deep in our hearts we want you to be obsessed with us. If you understand this and work with this (ie: making sure when you are with him...be with him...don't be distracted by other obsessions - make sure he feels like he comes first) then eventually he will gain the confidence, maturity and wisdom to allow your other interests into the circle. The discussion of "bulking" is only an issue to distract from the emotional insecurity that all men feel but don't talk about. It took me all of my 46 years to figure this out...many men in their 20's and 30's wont understand this about themselves or be conscious of the issues. Until your husband develops this wisdom, set up the bench yourself but only use it when he's not around seeking his emotional connection with you. Better still, go to a gym and use their equipment while he's at work. Balance your new found (healthy) obsession with understanding his emotional needs. People in committed long term relationships do this...they understand each other's needs and work with them even if there needs to be a little compromise and/or manipulation in the mix. In my humble opinion....0
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For men, their wives are often their closest or possibly even their ONLY strong emotional relationship. Women routinely have emotional outlets and connections with their mothers, sisters, girlfriends, neighbors, MFP friends, etc. If we're lucky, men have one and are jealous and protective of their connection with their wives. Deep in our hearts we want you to be obsessed with us. If you understand this and work with this (ie: making sure when you are with him...be with him...don't be distracted by other obsessions - make sure he feels like he comes first) then eventually he will gain the confidence, maturity and wisdom to allow your other interests into the circle.
Firstly, I'm glad you and your wife have worked things out and are doing so well, both here and in your marriage!
Secondly, thank you for this. I never thought about that - being his only emotional connection, really. I do need to make HIM my obsession again. Everything else will fall into place if I make him and our marriage first - including the time I need for myself.
Well, God needs to come first, but that's another interest I have that he doesn't.
It's crazy, LOL. He and I are really so different, but we're still in sync, if that makes sense.0 -
True, but what about those of us who desire more?Orthorexia is just as bad as anorexia, IMHO! Two hours a day? That's a bit much and not necessary for health or fitness.
I exercise 3 hours daily because of my love for sports and the desire to win. I am an athlete - not just some guy wanting to suck in his gut and buckle those pants. Goals change as we move up the mountain.
And consider this:
Most Americans watch 4 or more hours of TV per day.
Just sayin...:flowerforyou:0 -
Hey, If you want to, go for it...no worries there. However, there are some who are strapped for time, and can't really "afford" to spend that much time exercising.
True, but what about those of us who desire more?Orthorexia is just as bad as anorexia, IMHO! Two hours a day? That's a bit much and not necessary for health or fitness.
I exercise 3 hours daily because of my love for sports and the desire to win. I am an athlete - not just some guy wanting to suck in his gut and buckle those pants. Goals change as we move up the mountain.
And consider this:
Most Americans watch 4 or more hours of TV per day.
Just sayin...:flowerforyou:0 -
Your submission is good [for him]; the bible commands it of women.I do need to make HIM my obsession again. Everything else will fall into place
Well, God needs to come first, but that's another interest I have that he doesn't.
Ephesians 5:21-32
Whatever man wrote that stuff sure worded it well.
And that's why his stuff litters the basement and he thinks religion is garbage except for the submission part.
All I can say at this point is GOOD LUCK:drinker:0 -
Your submission is good [for him]; the bible commands it of women.I do need to make HIM my obsession again. Everything else will fall into place
Well, God needs to come first, but that's another interest I have that he doesn't.
Ephesians 5:21-32
Whatever man wrote that stuff sure worded it well.
And that's why his stuff litters the basement and he thinks religion is garbage except for the submission part.
All I can say at this point is GOOD LUCK:drinker:
Look, I appreciate your support, but you are way out of line here. My husband does not at ALL expect submission. He bought me the elliptical. He bought me the TV that hangs in front of it and I use for my DVDs. He cooks my meals separately from his own half the time. Hell, he cooks so I can workout on Wednesdays, despite the later time!0 -
Your submission is good [for him]; the bible commands it of women.I do need to make HIM my obsession again. Everything else will fall into place
Well, God needs to come first, but that's another interest I have that he doesn't.
Ephesians 5:21-32
Whatever man wrote that stuff sure worded it well.
And that's why his stuff litters the basement and he thinks religion is garbage except for the submission part.
All I can say at this point is GOOD LUCK:drinker:
^^You can't be serious.^^
Look, I appreciate your support, but you are way out of line here. My husband does not at ALL expect submission. He bought me the elliptical. He bought me the TV that hangs in front of it and I use for my DVDs.
^^AGREED!! Way out of line!^^0 -
Set it up yourself. You could have worse 'obsessions'.
Yup, this...^^^^0 -
Fitness programs like P90X and Insanity are meant to be extreme. You should NOT be combining them in addition to even more exercise daily! For your own well being, please dont continue to do as youre doing because it is UNHEALTHY. Find a cardio work out thats fit for you and use it three times a week ( or 150min) , and do some resistance training 2x a week.
You sound as though you may have developed an exercise addiction or related problem. EVERYTHING IN MODERATION.0 -
I applaud your quest for fitness, but it does sound like you are somewhat obsessed! Instead of p90x and weight benches, what about looking for sports and activities you can all enjoy as a family? Maybe try riding bikes or going on a hike as a family? Surely there are ways you can find a passion you can pour yourself into that in addition, your whole family can enjoy?
I'm all for balance but if she wants to lift she should lift. Why palm her off with "why not go for a nice stroll or bike ride with the kids"?
I wonder if the same advice had been given to her if she was a guy?
If my wife was like this then I I guess it would depend on whether not she is spending enough time with her family. Is she spreading her time between family and working out? It sounds like a lot of time is spent working out and not much time is spent with the family but I don't know her schedule. If the husband sits around being ignored by his wife because she is so busy working out that will end up being a problem also.0 -
I haven't read through all of this.....did the first two pages....but I will throw this out there. Consider joining a gym instead of setting up that bench. It is obvious your husband isn't interested and isn't going to be there lifting with you. As you lift heavy (regardless of the weight....if it's heavy for you) it becomes more dangerous. It is best to have spotters/people to watch your form etc. You won't have any problem with someone doing this for you at the gym.....Even if you don't have a spotter for every set at least people are around if something happens.0
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Fitness programs like P90X and Insanity are meant to be extreme. You should NOT be combining them in addition to even more exercise daily! For your own well being, please dont continue to do as youre doing because it is UNHEALTHY. Find a cardio work out thats fit for you and use it three times a week ( or 150min) , and do some resistance training 2x a week.
It's a lot but not unhealthy. While I agree personally that strength training a few days would be more beneficial what she's doing isn't going to hurt her.0 -
I applaud your quest for fitness, but it does sound like you are somewhat obsessed! Instead of p90x and weight benches, what about looking for sports and activities you can all enjoy as a family? Maybe try riding bikes or going on a hike as a family? Surely there are ways you can find a passion you can pour yourself into that in addition, your whole family can enjoy?
I'm all for balance but if she wants to lift she should lift. Why palm her off with "why not go for a nice stroll or bike ride with the kids"?
I wonder if the same advice had been given to her if she was a guy?
If my wife was like this then I I guess it would depend on whether not she is spending enough time with her family. Is she spreading her time between family and working out? It sounds like a lot of time is spent working out and not much time is spent with the family but I don't know her schedule. If the husband sits around being ignored by his wife because she is so busy working out that will end up being a problem also.
It's not like that.
It's like this:
5am - weights
7-330 - work
4-5 - cardio
5-end of evening - family
That's on weight days. On just cardio days, it's just an hour of cardio.
So it's only 2 hours/day on weight days.
The problem is that while I am WITH my family, I'm reading more about fitness or on HERE or telling my husband about everything I ate or didn't eat or about my workout or whatever.
The problem is not my time spent working out, as my husband clarified when we were talking this morning.0 -
2 hours a day of daily workout is a bit much. And if you are just talking to him about proteins, carbs, and just food in general then it seems you have lost balance in life.I've been, for the past year or so, working out hard. Most days, I workout about an hour in the morning and an hour in the evening. I'm in the second phase of P90X, and this past week, I added Insanity for a crazy hybrid. I'm always on the lookout for new, healthy foods, and I'm always researching to gain as much knowledge as I can.
Last night, I bought The New Rules of Lifting for Women, and I sat in the evening reading it while my husband watched some show on TV. I rarely watch the shows he watch and normally sit there doing something else - folding laundry, reading, packing lunches, etc.
But when I asked my husband if we could get out his weight bench and set it up in the basement, I guess that was the tipping point.
He's right, that I'm obsessed. I probably do talk to him too much about protein and carbs and the latest thing I learned about muscle group. I probably tell him too much about my workouts and my calorie count and my effort to eat more. It probably is what I talk about the most. Part of the reason I'm obsessed, I know, is because of my past with EDs. But I'm not the only person out there with a passion for health and fitness. These boards are proof of that.
But he said I'm so consumed with all this that I'm going to miss out on everything else.
I see his point, and I'm going to take proper steps to fix that. I don't want either him or my daughter to feel neglected, and my husband has been pretty supportive up till now.
But...he's still unhappy about the weight bench. He says we have no room. We have a HUGE basement, and it's true that there's little extra room right now. But we have a Foozeball table we've used exactly twice. We have a broken pinball machine. Our daughter has literally hundreds of toys she doesn't even remember she has down there and NEVER uses. We have a Wii and an old, big, boxy TV that's never used and a shuffleboard table my husband never finished building.
All those things we DON'T use, and he can't make room for something I WOULD use?
And then he's worried I'll bulk up, but when I try to explain all the ways that's impossible, he doesn't want to listen. Because I'm obsessed.
What should I do?
I don't need the weight bench yet. I'm going to finish out P90X first. And I can probably improvise with the bands and buy some larger weights if I need to to begin doing the NROLFW. So, I think for now, I need to drop the subject. I need to stop raving about how great my workout was or how happy I am I finally bought turkey jerky or how I'm thinking about protein shakes. I DEFINITELY can't bring up the idea of Shawn T's workout for kids for our daughter.
But...anyone else run into this sort of problem? How do you handle it?
Any guys out there have any ideas, from a guys' point of view?
While health is important, being "healthy" is also about balance. And it sounds to me like you're focus is just totally on you. You need to focus on him too.
I'd say drop an hour. You DON'T need to work out that much if you're balance is right.
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Been in fitness for 28+ years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition0 -
As someone who also easily gets obsessed, BTW for those playing at home "obsession" is what Lazy people call it, Being involved in Triathlon training and many times doing 2 days. Swims in the mornings Bricks in the evenings I understand Lots of workout time. My question is however; you are already doing 2 hours a day. What are you training for? A race? Triathletes put in all that time for upcoming races. You are going to throw insanity in now too...2-3 hours of workout? There is a point where you are probably doing too much. I'm not saying you are there yet but you are fast approaching. Maybe. It could be that your husband sees that happening...
On the opposite side. I've been where you are my spouse is jealous of the time I give my workouts. I've let her control that lately and its thrown me off track. Now I'm playing catch up because someone else told me how to live my life.
Its not just an obsession yet though for me Im still overweight. I can back off a little when I look like Channing Tatum right?
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Fitness programs like P90X and Insanity are meant to be extreme. You should NOT be combining them in addition to even more exercise daily! For your own well being, please dont continue to do as youre doing because it is UNHEALTHY. Find a cardio work out thats fit for you and use it three times a week ( or 150min) , and do some resistance training 2x a week.
It's a lot but not unhealthy. While I agree personally that strength training a few days would be more beneficial what she's doing isn't going to hurt her.
Well, P90X is my strength training. 3 days a week. :smile0 -
MY boyfriend and I are on different pages when it comes to this subject too. I'm not obsessed but I am pretty consumed with it! He eats terribly all day every day, and doesnt gain anything. He used to work out a lot in high school, played every sport his whole life, and then when he got to college that all changed, but his body really hasn't. I urge him to work out for his own healthiness and warn him about all this Mcdonalds that's going to catch up to him in the future,but he just acts like he doesn't care, and ignores what I am saying. So I feel the same way. It is frustrating when all you want is for him to be happy for you and proud of you instead of getting angry. Just keep doing what you're doing and eventually he will have to get over it.
Also you are being a great role model to your daughter. My parents raised me on home cooked meals, lots of veggies, but always lots of potatoes and bread and butter. So needless to say they did not set a good example on how to eat healthy. They are proud of me but now I see their horrible eating habits and I wish they could see how bad it is for them. So one day, your daughter will thank you!0 -
I applaud your quest for fitness, but it does sound like you are somewhat obsessed! Instead of p90x and weight benches, what about looking for sports and activities you can all enjoy as a family? Maybe try riding bikes or going on a hike as a family? Surely there are ways you can find a passion you can pour yourself into that in addition, your whole family can enjoy?
I'm all for balance but if she wants to lift she should lift. Why palm her off with "why not go for a nice stroll or bike ride with the kids"?
I wonder if the same advice had been given to her if she was a guy?
With all due respect there is always one in the crowd.... The above poster was simply stating to keep an even ground on a shaky subject try to include the family.... (Nothing wrong with that advice, did you notice the word advice, that is what the OP was looking for I think). She should lift and I agree with that but it sounds as if the OP is doing more than just lifting and quality family time may be needed. She herself has mentioned obsession. Lastly, if she were a guy this advice wouldn't have needed to be given, because most men wouldn't post this kind of problem for the MFP world to figure out. So let's not go off on our "Women Power" rampage because on this site it need not apply!0 -
He is mostly worried about you getting bulky. You really aren't going to be able to convince him that it won't happen. Can you just get a gym membership? That way you can use whatever equipment you wanted without his knowing about it. I'm not really saying that you should hide anything from him, but fitness is a personal thing. If he is beginning to balk on his support, then you may need to distance him from your fitness a bit. A gym membership gets you out of the house so that he doesn't have to see it, and is less likely to criticize.0
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