Requesting a message with a FR = self-importance

deadbeatsummer

I have noticed on about 80% of people's profiles on here, there is a section which says:

'If you are going to Friend Request me - make sure you add a few sentences saying why you are adding me otherwise you will be DENIED'

Is it just me or does this seem a bit self important? It makes me want to unfriend people who have this message as it feels like they want you to suck up to them and kiss their *kitten* in order to get into their friend list.

What are you supposed to write in the friend request - 'Hey I really love ___ about you and thought ___ was really good so I thought we could be friends *brown nose*'. I hate sucking up to people. It's like fishing for compliments.

Thoughts?

EDIT: I do most of the time include some small sentence when I FR people and I'm not disputing that it is nice to add a little something - but my gripe is more with the 'demands' on peoples profiles of who can and cant request their friendship and under what conditions they should do it. it makes them look like they take themselves very seriously.

***Staff Note*** Topic locked temporarily for review by staff - Please stand by.

Kara_xxx

I kind of agree with you and was a little taken aback when I first saw this.

I do wonder though whether some of this might be rooted in bad experience for some people, like weirdness or stalking??

Dunno.

I accept anyone and if they end up talking rubbish or being unsupportive I can always delete them, but I like to give people the benefit of the doubt. :bigsmile:

beachlover317

I understand your point. I do it because I don't want to just collect a whole big pile of friends. I want to be able to support the 30 odd friends (they're not odd!) I have at this point. They are all active on MFP, around my age, have similar circumstances for their weight loss, have a lot in common with me, etc. We log and discuss things everyday. We support each other. I have a difficult time not friending someone, but have done it because I can not keep up with any more friends right now. A lot of people on here just click "friend request" to every person they see. There are differing opinions on this and I respect whatever people want to do on MFP.:flowerforyou:

MooMooooo

I have it (the requirement of msg) because it is a reasonable request.

It's an introduction.

When I first joined this site I had trouble finding friends - so I just added anyone... no msg.

I didn't understand then about matching up properly - with interests and common goals.

I do now.

deadbeatsummer

Yeah I can understand that actually if it's an issue with meeting weirdos on here in the past.

Sometimes it just irritates me to a point where I see someone has written something funny on a thread and they look a similar age to me, I click on their profile and there is a message which is written rudely about writing a message to them in a FR or ELSE, so then I just don't want to add them.

lion_queen

Truthfully? I dont request nothing big, I just want a simple 'Hi' or 'Hello'. That is what most of my requested friends got. Blank FRs is making my blood boil. I mean, why did you added me if you dont have anything to say? And I dont see that is self-important, but okay...

deadbeatsummer

Truthfully? I dont request nothing big, I just want a simple 'Hi' or 'Hello'. That is what most of my requested friends got. Blank FRs is making my blood boil. I mean, why did you added me if you dont have anything to say?

But wouldn't you expect to talk to them a bit more once you've accepted the request? Usually I would put a message on their wall to say thanks and stuff.

Martucha123

I always send message with FR
why leave it blank?
just few words on why you want to be frieds with this particular person is enough. blank FR are pure laziness

KaleidoscopeEyes1056

I have it because I want to make sure the person isn't just randomly friend requesting people and then never interacting. I don't specify what they should put, I would just like a "Hi," or something. I don't want them to compliment me or write a novel about why they want me to be their friend. A simple "Hi" is all it takes.

interceptor311

I just put it up to avoid serial FRs.....the people who just look at pics, don't ready any of the profile and send a request. I don't want to be part of someones popularity contest.

poledancing_ninja

It's polite?

Prahasaurus

I don't have it on my profile, but I think it's a fair request. This isn't Facebook, where you typically know your friends in advance. Plus, to be a proper MFP friend in my opinion, you need to be active, supportive, etc. You can't do this properly with 100's of friends. So you do need to keep it to a reasonable number.

Also, it helps knowing why the person wants to friend you, so you can adjust accordingly. For example, someone may write that they liked your post about low carb dieting, because that is what they are trying to do, and they want to connect to share experiences, recipes, etc. That's good to know.

--P

Kara_xxx

Yes I can kind of understand about "quality is better than quantity" and feeling better off with a small group of similar interest people. BUT sometimes you may just surprise yourself, that someone where on the face of it you might not have that much in common with, can be really fun or interesting. :flowerforyou:

So I have a go, and then after a few weeks if it does look like we're really not having anything in common, then you can always reconsider?

I think it's NICE to send a message and I usually do, but I don't make it a pre-requisite.

deadbeatsummer

It's polite?

I don't think it's polite to make people give you pitch on why they should be friends with you before you 'accept them'. I think it looks rude on your profile. You wouldn't do it in real life..

Person 1: Hi, I'm Bob - How are y--
Person 2: Sorry - If you want to be friends with me then please list why it was that you came over here and started talking to me in the first place.'

deadbeatsummer

Yes I can kind of understand about "quality is better than quantity" and feeling better off with a small group of similar interest people. BUT sometimes you may just surprise yourself, that someone where on the face of it you might not have that much in common with, can be really fun or interesting. :flowerforyou:

So I have a go, and then after a few weeks if it does look like we're really not having anything in common, then you can always reconsider?

I think it's NICE to send a message and I usually do, but I don't make it a pre-requisite.

This is a good idea!

lion_queen

Truthfully? I dont request nothing big, I just want a simple 'Hi' or 'Hello'. That is what most of my requested friends got. Blank FRs is making my blood boil. I mean, why did you added me if you dont have anything to say?

But wouldn't you expect to talk to them a bit more once you've accepted the request? Usually I would put a message on their wall to say thanks and stuff.

Lately I noticed, that most of peeps, that added me without a message isnt testing me back, when Im writing on their wall, they are not commenting my statuses or even not writing statuses of their own.

BecomingElle

I have something similar on mine Although it's more of a suggestion, not a hard and fast "I WILL DENY YOU IF YOU DO NOT COMPLY" sort of thing hahaha

For me, I don't really want a large mass of "randoms". I like to know that my friends are committed (or supporting, at least) and that they check-in regularly. I also like to know something about people! I don't care what they think of me, I like to know a bit about their goals or progress, maybe even if we have similar stats, or a part of their story maybe or why they want to add me.

I normally check-out the profiles of everyone who requests me, regardless. And if someone leaves no message, has no photo, no "about me", no inspirations or anything filled out... well then, they just don't seem to be an active participant in the MFP community. I wish them all the best in their weight loss, but they're not the kind of person I want to be friends with. I like to interact with everyone, and love it when they interact back!

It's not about them praising me or making ME feel good, it's about them allowing me to get to know them, and becoming my "friend".

lion_queen

It's polite?

I don't think it's polite to make people give you pitch on why they should be friends with you before you 'accept them'. I think it looks rude on your profile. You wouldn't do it in real life..

Person 1: Hi, I'm Bob - How are y--
Person 2: Sorry - If you want to be friends with me then please list why it was that you came over here and started talking to me in the first place.'

Well, it wouldnt happen, cause that Bob did say something.

Flixie00

When I send an FR I always give a brief synopsis of myself, where I am in pursuing my goals, and my strong / weak points as I don't want to be accepted as a friend and then have people get annoyed by my eating and exercise habits later.

On the flip side, when accepting FRs, I used to just accept all, but now I am bit more careful as I have had a few unsuitable ones in the past (although 99% of MFP pals have been great).

JonathonMars

I have no idea. I don't get the friend thing at all really.

militarydreams

I don't say anything in real life either so why should I do it on the internet? I prefer the "oh noes" look on their face when I sit next to them on an empty bus and offer them a polo mint... mmmm polo

deadbeatsummer

I don't say anything in real life either so why should I do it on the internet? I prefer the "oh noes" look on their face when I sit next to them on an empty bus and offer them a polo mint... mmmm polo

Haha :laugh:

BecomingElle

It's polite?

I don't think it's polite to make people give you pitch on why they should be friends with you before you 'accept them'. I think it looks rude on your profile. You wouldn't do it in real life..

Person 1: Hi, I'm Bob - How are y--
Person 2: Sorry - If you want to be friends with me then please list why it was that you came over here and started talking to me in the first place.'

I disagree! You've disproven your own point!
"Hi, I'm Bob - How are you?" IS a message that someone could send with a friend request?! You do do it in real life!
People don't just walk over to a person, stand there in silence for a moment and magically become friends. When you approach someone in real life, you normally always start with a polite hello, a smile, some small talk, or something you noticed about the person you're trying to befriend that caused you to approach them.

In my humble opinion, it's internet etiquette; it's polite, and it's not much to ask

deadbeatsummer

When I send an FR I always give a brief synopsis of myself, where I am in pursuing my goals, and my strong / weak points as I don't want to be accepted as a friend and then have people get annoyed by my eating and exercise habits later.

On the flip side, when accepting FRs, I used to just accept all, but now I am bit more careful as I have had a few unsuitable ones in the past (although 99% of MFP pals have been great).

Wow that's a commitment - maybe I'm just lazy!

eatrunstretch

You know what I hate? When someone friend requests you with a blank message and then you checkout their profile and they have that message listed themselves!!! Hypocrites :noway:

deadbeatsummer

It's polite?

I don't think it's polite to make people give you pitch on why they should be friends with you before you 'accept them'. I think it looks rude on your profile. You wouldn't do it in real life..

Person 1: Hi, I'm Bob - How are y--
Person 2: Sorry - If you want to be friends with me then please list why it was that you came over here and started talking to me in the first place.'

I disagree! You've disproven your own point!
"Hi, I'm Bob - How are you?" IS a message that someone could send with a friend request?! You do do it in real life!
People don't just walk over to a person, stand there in silence for a moment and magically become friends. When you approach someone in real life, you normally always start with a polite hello, a smile, some small talk, or something you noticed about the person you're trying to befriend that caused you to approach them.

In my humble opinion, it's internet etiquette; it's polite, and it's not much to ask

Ok, yes, but there isn't a real life equivalent of sending a friend request. You understand what I mean though.
I don't expect people to list all the reasons why they think we could be great friends before I allow them to talk to me in real life.

deadbeatsummer

You know what I hate? When someone friend requests you with a blank message and then you checkout their profile and they have that message listed themselves!!! Hypocrites :noway:

That's even worse!

JoeGa

Actually, I haven't really asked to be friended as I don't want to come off as a stalker ... :laugh: I have a couple of family as friends but only a couple of folks that came to me on MFP. Could use a few more involved friends though to keep me on track so maybe I'll try and reach out to a few more folks...

deadbeatsummer

haha I've had 2 blank FR since posting this topic

DonttrythatwithME

Yeah I can understand that actually if it's an issue with meeting weirdos on here in the past.

Sometimes it just irritates me to a point where I see someone has written something funny on a thread and they look a similar age to me, I click on their profile and there is a message which is written rudely about writing a message to them in a FR or ELSE, so then I just don't want to add them.

cant be me i have never written anything funny on here

lion_queen

It's polite?

I don't think it's polite to make people give you pitch on why they should be friends with you before you 'accept them'. I think it looks rude on your profile. You wouldn't do it in real life..

Person 1: Hi, I'm Bob - How are y--
Person 2: Sorry - If you want to be friends with me then please list why it was that you came over here and started talking to me in the first place.'

I disagree! You've disproven your own point!
"Hi, I'm Bob - How are you?" IS a message that someone could send with a friend request?! You do do it in real life!
People don't just walk over to a person, stand there in silence for a moment and magically become friends. When you approach someone in real life, you normally always start with a polite hello, a smile, some small talk, or something you noticed about the person you're trying to befriend that caused you to approach them.

In my humble opinion, it's internet etiquette; it's polite, and it's not much to ask

THIS.