Is this mean?

cloud2011

This is the sort of letter you write to yourself; for yourself. It will only hurt her. You are not being mean. You are doing the right thing to articulate your feelings, but don't try and persuade her all at once. Better to keep it simple and when she says something offensive, just say "Mom I know you love me but that is offensive. Please don't don't do that." Shorter. Easier for her to digest.

Forgiving your Mom's behavior will be easier on both of you rather than trying to change your Mom all at once. But as each occasion presents itself, let her know your feelings.

I am NO EXPERT, but this is how I handled my (very similar) Mom. She never changed, but I could cope better.

I agree about writing but not sending the letter, and about "coping better." Yet, everyone must do what works for them.

On a personal note, I can relate...my mother died 3 years ago and sometimes made hurtful comments about my weight (even when I was a normal-weight kid, she thought I was too big). But for me, I know a letter like this would have crushed her. Sometimes mothers who say the cruelest things don't understand that they're being cruel and in my mother's case, by 78 or 79 years of age, they're not going to change.

bussaca

I think it is hard for any of us to decide if it is mean or too much. No one here really knows your situation.

My mother is extremely judgmental, and I have never felt pretty enough, or thin enough (even when I was 105lbs!). I always felt like she was embarrassed by me and the way I looked. And I was a size 2 back then! So if you mother is like mine, then the letter is appropriate.

But... not knowing the situation, from how the letter flows, it sounds like your mom is more proud and excited for you and your weight loss. And if that is the case, then this letter is way too much. She almost sounds like a mom wanting to brag about your accomplishment, and follow the progress.....

So I don't really know if it is mean or not..... depends on the true intentions of your mother. And only you know that.

I was thinking the same thing! Perfectly said!

ElyseL1

I agree with a lot of people wondering abt the family dynamic here. I cant imagine being bothered by any of my family asking. In fact my dad encourages me all the time with my weight loss. And we are comfortable joking around abt it. If it really does bother you, talk to her. Letters are so cold, and well for teenagers that dont want to deal with their problems head on.

TheGreenfaerie

So, I wrote this letter to my Mom today. I really hope it's not mean or hurtful, but needed to set things straight with her.. thoughts?

I agree with the other posters in that it's a good letter to get your feelings out, but a bit too cold to actually mail.

I don’t think it is intentionally mean, but it is potentially hurtful. More than that, I don’t think it will get you the sort of response that you want—which would be the only reason to send it other than just to rant and vent frustration.

Specifically, using words like "you" more than "I" and using words like "always" or "never" or “every” can make the person who receives the letter feel attacked. If you send a second draft, try to make it all about "I" instead of "you" whenever possible.

HI Mom;
I do hope this letter finds you well , happy, and comfortable today. The summer sun is lovely, but my goodness, it does get hot !

Expand the "small talk" with meaningful positives. That way, when she calls, you can talk about those and not just about these weight loss complaints. Perhaps tell her about your husband, your house, your job, or even about what you enjoyed the last time you visited her, or what you are looking forward to in the future. Beat around the bush just a little bit before you get to the nitty gritty of what is bothering you.

I am writing to you today in hopes that I can communicate with you some things that are very important to me. Sometimes, if things are written down they can be read and re-read until they are clear. If someone simply says something, they can be misunderstood, or misheard. When things are important, It is so good to be as clear and understood as possible.

Delete this. Letters can come off insulting and passive-aggressive if you aren’t careful. Or it can come off as “I hate talking to you so I’m going to write you this angry letter so that I don’t have to have a two way conversation with you instead.”

Generally avoid “I’m about to write about…” etc statements, because they’re just filler/jabbering. Ie, your reader knows you wrote something for a reason based on the mere fact they have a letter from you. They just have to read the body of the letter to find out that reason for themselves. If your letter is clear, your reason for writing will be clear without you having spell it out.

Mom, I love and appreciate you so much.
I am always amazed at how hard you work to express your deep love of your children. You have certainly done a great job always trying to be on our side, so THANK YOU SO MUCH!

Expand if you can. You had the right idea to start with here, but it’s too vague instead of specific, so it feels fake. What specific ways do you like when she shows her love for you? Let her know what you love and want more of exactly. Give examples if you can. Basically, sugar it up really well before you get to the challenges.

In just a few short years, I will be retiring with my husband and moving away. It is my deepest desire to make these last few years here happy, healthy, and filled with good times with people I love, and I’m wondering if you would be willing to help me with that?

While I normally love spending time with you, there are some difficulties that need to be addressed.

Reword for more positive tone, and less of a business “we need to address XYZ” tone. Plus, it sort of sounds like you plan to just disappear from her life when you retire, so why should she bother changing?

Something more like:

“With my retirement fast approaching, I realize how much my life will change. My husband and I will move away and many parts of my life will change. I want to strengthen my relationships with family and friends here and now, so that those bonds hold strong through these upcoming changes.”

…would possibly give her hope for the future relationship, without implying as much that the current relationship completely shot.

I have attempted to be quite clear about a few things in the past, but I am noticing that my wishes are not respected in a few very important areas of my life. I am writing today to ask you to please respect me in these specific areas in hopes that with boundary lines are drawn, we can both enjoy each other’s company.

As a former teacher, when students would say “respect me” it never worked out well. Normally because as a teacher I felt that I already respected them and that they were the ones who needed to learn to show some respect. Ditto for the typical parent/child relationship it seems.

“I feel… when (you)…” is generally a good phrase for this sort of thing, again focusing on “I” over “you.” It’s a difficult shift in focus to make when you feel hurt, but it’s a trick therapists try to get people to use all the time. It feels cheesy, but it tends to work.

Something more like:

“I know I’ve talked about some things before, but I feel like I’m not being heard and understood. I feel like my personal boundaries and my privacy are not respected. I feel sad/depressed/frustrated/angry/judged/embarrassed when…

..This bothers me because I want to feel comfortable/happy/etc when we’re together.”

• Please do not reveal any of my personal business to other family members. If a brother or sister asks about me simply say that I am doing fine, and if they wish to know more they may contact me personally. Though I have forgiven you for telling my sister about my weight loss, I do feel like you breached my trust; and though you told me you had done it, you did not apologize. I would really like a sincere apology that shows you understand how violated I felt. A person’s weight should no more be discussed with others as the balance in a person’s bank account. Quite simply, it’s personal, and none of anyone else’s business. It made me feel like my body, and what I’m doing with it, was a supply of nothing more than juicy gossip; and it hurt me greatly.

Have you even had someone demand a “sincere apology” from a little kid in your presence? Think about it… It never really seems sincere, even when they do apologize. From my experience, it’s not worth demanding them from adults either. Think of all the celebrities or criminals that make prepared statements to the press when they are caught doing something wrong. They rarely feel sincere. And they ones that do feel sincere, are the ones that probably didn’t need to be asked/told to apologize in the first place.

While you can ask for a sincere apology, I personally would not. I don’t see anything wrong with letting your mom know how you still feel though. Maybe it will make her realize how much it hurt you and inspire her to apologize on her own.

Something like:

“It bothers me when you tell my brothers and sisters about my personal issues without asking me for permission first. I feel like my trust has been violated, and wish that you had apologized. I realize you enjoy keeping the family up to date about people you care about, including me, but I don’t feel like my weight should be discussed any more than someone might discuss the balance in a person’s bank account. For me, it’s too personal, even for family. It made me feel like my body, and what I’m doing with it was a supply of juicy gossip; and it hurt me greatly.”

Even that can be risky, because the word “gossip” (especially combined with the word “juicy”) gets people riled up, even when it’s true. True as it may feel or actually be, just know that if you use “juicy gossip” you’re going to ruffle her feathers a bit. If she feels like you are calling her the family gossip, your odds of the letter going well get slim.

• Please stop asking if I have been weighed lately. You may not even realize but you do this EVERY TIME WE SPEAK. My weight is my weight, not yours. I’m sure you would find it rude if someone knocked on your door and asked “So, have you got weighed lately? Did you lose anything? How much?” Similarly, it rude to ask me. Please give me the same respect that you would anyone else.

This is where those “never/always/every” type words can make the letter’s tone feel like an attack. It may be completely true that she asks it every time, and that it’s rude of her, but you can’t call her out on it if you want the rest of your concerns and feelings heard.

Something like:

“I appreciate how much you care about me and my health. However, it bothers me when you ask about my weight. Please do not ask me about if I’ve been weighed lately and if I’ve lost anything. I would prefer to be the one to bring up my successes in our conversations when I’m ready. I may not tell you about ALL of my successes and ALL of my challenges. I might not even mention them at all sometimes. But, I will feel more comfortable if I am able to control the conversation about my weight.”

I think something more like that takes the letter’s tone from something that started as basically, “YOU’re always rude when YOU call because YOU ask about my weight” and turned it into something that’s basically, “I want control over my XYZ so that I feel comfortable.”

Plus, it's probably not a good idea to compare your mom to a stranger knocking on doors and asking rude questions.

• Please stop visually inspecting me and making faces and comments on my clothing and how I look in them. To tell the truth, you make me feel like a heifer at the fall fair. It’s demeaning, and hurtful. It’s even more hurtful that you then share your opinion with others. Did you notice that when I visit now, I cover almost my entire body with loose clothing so that you can’t judge me? That’s why I wore that heavy brown sweatshirt (and was uncomfortable and hot) the last time we visited. Do you really want to force me to that extreme?

You seem to be very preoccupied with how I look instead of, who I am, how I am, what I have to share, news, and just enjoying our time together. It feels like my body and how it looks in clothing has an importance to you that surpasses what makes me happy, what I’ve been doing, what stirs my passions, - why can’t we just talk about those things instead? , and please, please, PLEASE, keep what we discuss just between us.

If your mom is anything like mine, she’ll never admit to making nasty judgmental faces, and any commentary by you about said faces will not go over well. I’m not even 30 yet and I know in my limited experience that’s a fight that’s just not worth it. Focus on the comments and just try to silently forgive/ignore the faces and hope that they go away eventually (which sometimes they do).

That being said, perhaps in time, you might consider wearing cuter, more figure flattering clothing in your mom’s presence. It might feel like a risk, but even simple, well fitting clothes with some stylish accessories might be enough to distract her and take the “heat” off any negatives your appearance. I’ve got a bit to lose too, but I’ve noticed that if I dress up to see my mom (ie, a skirt, blouse and sandals instead of typical jeans, flip flops and a t-shirt) she’s more likely to comment that she likes my outfit than to comment on my waistline or other negatives.

Something like:

“I feel self conscious about my body and my weight, so it hurts when you comment on my clothing and how I look. Sometimes I feel so uncomfortable and fearful of being judged, that I wear long loose clothes, even when I know they aren’t very cute or even when they are hot and uncomfortable, just so that I will not feel as exposed to criticism. I feel much more comfortable taking about ….(be specific--not just “passions” but rather name your passions)... than talking about my appearance.”

Mom, I love you dearly, and I want to spend time with you. But, these things that you do must stop immediately and forever so that I can enjoy my time with you. I really do believe that deep down, you love me enough to want me to feel loved; but right now, you are making me feel like just a source of entertainment and something to gossip about. How can I see that as love? Things have to change on your end or our relationship means very little to you.

I really have tried to be as clear as possible. If you are unclear about anything I’ve said here, feel free to call me for clarification. If you would like to call and just talk within respectful boundaries, I’d love to just chat!

I’m sure we will talk soon,

This has a lot of “you” focus and not in a good way, even though the word “I” is also used. “You make me feel” never comes off as well as “I feel __ when you” even though they seem similar.

This section of your letter gives that cold feeling that you’ve already given on the relationship with your mom and are walking away, which might be the case, but I don’t think that’s the message, exactly, that would get you the changes you want. I think it’s more likely that it would just make her defensive. A shorter closing, possibly with a suggestion of neutral subject, positive time together, might have a better effect.

I would not use the word “gossip” again in the closing, since it is emotionally charged and you’ve already used it earlier in the letter.

Likewise, “Things need to change on your end or (else)” is a very bold and potentially hurtful statement. You mentioned retirement upcoming, so I assume you are near 60 and your mother in her 80s or higher. I hypothesize that stubbornness peaks in waves at age 2-4, again in the teens, then declines until one becomes a parent when stubbornness peaks a third time (to counteract the tots and teens), declines again when the kids leave home to start their own lives, and peaks a final time in old age. It feels like a lot to ask an older family member to change.

Plus, you’ve implied that she is the only one who needs to change and that everything is her fault, when in fact, you may need to change some as well, even if it’s just changing your expectations of her or changing the style with which you communicate with her.

Something like:

“I hope you can understand how I feel about these things, even though the way I feel may be different than how you would feel in my situation. I love you and want to better enjoy the time that I spend with you. I know that you love me, but sometimes I don’t feel like you do, especially when you discuss my appearance.

I’m sorry that I could not tell you this in person or by phone, but this way I could get all my thoughts and feelings together clearly for you. Please call me when you feel comfortable. I would really enjoying telling you about (Something you are passionate about, did recently, or are looking forward to, but that is completely unrelated to weight or family).”

That way, you invite her to continue the relationship on the new terms, without having to discuss the terms when she calls. Give her an "easy out" if you will. Although, you may find yourself discussing the terms when she calls anyway.

Bobby_Clerici

It's not mean so much as a waste of time.
She won't change.
You need to change. Love her, but start distancing yourself.
Good Luck.

:huh:

Yep. Because estrangement is always preferable.

From toxic people? You bet.
It doesn't require drama. Just quietly and respectfully close the door.
Plug into a new network of support with others of common interest.
When we do this, it makes being around unsupportive family and friends no big deal.
Again, good luck

Bobby_Clerici

Grow up!

You are an adult, she is an adult. While you will always have that mother/daughter dynamic, you are plenty old enough to say "Hey Mom, I love you but please stop talking about my weight, it makes me really uncomfortable." Hell, I've said as much to my mother over other issues and I'm only 26.

You don't need a long, drawn out cry fest about your feelings and self esteem, just tell her the truth and move on.

^^^^^^^^
THIS
There are things we can't control regarding other people.
And remember this. In any relationship the person who cares the least gets to make all the rules.

p_e_wright

LOTS of different opinions, most likely based on personal family dynamics, etc. Only you know how your mother would react to this and if it will be helpful or hurtful. Sometimes just writing it out and thinking it through can help you focus your thoughts so that you can discuss it with your mother calmly and rationally and be able to express all your feelings. However you choose to handle it, I wish you the best and for you and your mother to amicably resolve the issues and have a healthy relationship.

bewitchinglife

I think making the letter shorter and with more 'when you _____, I feel _______ because of ________' statements.

(ie When you tell my siblings personal information about me I feel betrayed because that was a private conversation between us.)

or something to that effect.

My family is very damaged, and I understand these types of feelings and problems. Know that you do not have to give anyone a pass for their behavior no matter if they are blood or not. Being related to someone does not give them an all access pass to do whatever suits them when it comes to you and your feelings.

More than likely, I imagine things won't change (simply because of the age of your mother and what I've been through with mine). I'd simply state my feelings, let her know what I'd like to see happen and let her know that I would always love her. If she decides to not be respectful of you, your feeling and your wishes, I would distance myself. There is not need to put yourself in harms way.

Leesseebee

I understand and have felt your concerns. That said, I would suggest speaking with her about it. Also, you might want to consider appreciating that you are asking her to comply with your discomfort and essentially issue an ultimatum at the end-which switches the tone of the letter dramatically-in fact, it builds from kind to a bit aggressive and that is what she will be left with. Finally, and related to you asking her to respect you, you are coming at this as if it were an issue of disprespect-she might be trying to show you how proud she is of you and your progress. Weight issues are frequently linked with emotional ones and she might be excited by your progress and not be expressing it well. I reckon she will be shocked by your letter and if she is as loving as you indicate, I would try and hash this out one on one-yes, letters can be read and re-read for the sake of clarity, but they can also be read and re-read...forever...and nothing in them can ever be softened or taken back.
Talk. To. Her.
Letter as a last resort.
Good luck.

stickwithme

If you're concerned that you sound mean, you should probably first acknowledge that you're afraid of saying what you really feel/being who you really are. That's the first step, in my opinion. After that you'll probably know for yourself what the right thing to do is.

coachblt

Dear mom:

Please don't talk to me about my kids. They're MY kids and none of your business.

Oh, and don't mention my husband when we are visiting. He's MY husband and not your relative. Please don't discuss my new location with the family because it's OUR new location, not theirs.

Mom, I love you so much, but please don't eat the food I cooked in your kitchen for dinner. I made it for MY kids. When others don't enjoy the food I cook, they make facial expressions that hurt my feelings. So please don't let others eat my cooked food.

I'm sure you understand because you love me...and I love you too, obviously.



Sarcastic? Absolutely! However, that's how I read the OP's post. No, I don't know the mother/daughter history, so I had to take it as I read it.

Regardless, good luck. I hope it works out for you.

Sockimobi

WHOA does she know this got published?

This.

Seems a bit odd that your Mum can't share your weight loss with your own siblings, yet you can share this letter with the whole of the internet.

GodsGirl37

I think personally it would be better to write it in a personal norebook or journal and get it off your chest that way. I personally would not send it to her to be honest. I wrote a letter in my journal to my dad of course he died when I was 15 years old. I think you need to get if off your chest but for your benefit and journaling it. Forgive her. to me the letter is keeping record of wrongs and accusing and think about it how would you react if someone wrote that to you?

I am preaching to myself too as well. I would write my feelings on paper and then forgive take a big black marker with an X on it and X it out after you vent forgive and forget.

TheGreenfaerie

I understand and have felt your concerns. That said, I would suggest speaking with her about it. Also, you might want to consider appreciating that you are asking her to comply with your discomfort and essentially issue an ultimatum at the end-which switches the tone of the letter dramatically-in fact, it builds from kind to a bit aggressive and that is what she will be left with. Finally, and related to you asking her to respect you, you are coming at this as if it were an issue of disprespect-she might be trying to show you how proud she is of you and your progress. Weight issues are frequently linked with emotional ones and she might be excited by your progress and not be expressing it well. I reckon she will be shocked by your letter and if she is as loving as you indicate, I would try and hash this out one on one-yes, letters can be read and re-read for the sake of clarity, but they can also be read and re-read...forever...and nothing in them can ever be softened or taken back.
Talk. To. Her.
Letter as a last resort.
Good luck.

Agreed. Talking would be better, especially in person.

I understand the desire to use a letter though, especially if the mom is hard of hearing or if the daughter has a hard time putting words to feelings on the fly.

Talking by phone, you lose all the body language that helps make meaning clear but at least get to hear a voice. In a letter, you lose body language and even the subtle changes in voice. So letters are very hard to do well, especially for emotional topics. The lack of body language and voice clues can make the true meaning behind a letter easily misunderstood. What might seem like frustration with vocal or body cues, can seem like an intentional attempt to hurt in a letter.

lmarshel

It's not mean so much as a waste of time.
She won't change.
You need to change. Love her, but start distancing yourself.
Good Luck.

:huh:

Yep. Because estrangement is always preferable.

From toxic people? You bet.
It doesn't require drama. Just quietly and respectfully close the door.
Plug into a new network of support with others of common interest.
When we do this, it makes being around unsupportive family and friends no big deal.
Again, good luck

Agreed. I distanced myself from my grandmother about 15 years ago. She was a toxic and vindictive person who never had a kind word to say about my mother, me or my brother. She finally crossed the line when she called me FAT in my own home after she had essentially "dropped in" to use us as a free motel room for the night on her way to another part of the country. My thought was that if she valued the relationship she would eventually reach out to me, but it never happened.

She passed away last month, and we were still essentially estranged. I talked to her about once a year at the holidays, but it was short and sweet and cordial at best. While I find it sad that we were never able to reconcile and be closer, I believe it was mostly her loss. My husband and I have created a wonderful home and raised a son we can be proud of. Unfortunately, she missed out on all of it.

shewhowrestleswolves

Them's fightin words:sick:

chameleon77

Sometimes, it's just easier to write a letter so you are able to say everything you want without any interruptions. You're just being honest, no biggie. It's up to her how she is going to respond and don't let that affect you. You said what you wanted to say and leave it at that.

NYChick84

Are you that distant from your mom that you couldn't say this to her face to face? A letter seems awful cold.

^^^This!!!!!!

sofitheteacup

This is the sort of letter you write to yourself; for yourself. It will only hurt her. You are not being mean. You are doing the right thing to articulate your feelings, but don't try and persuade her all at once. Better to keep it simple and when she says something offensive, just say "Mom I know you love me but that is offensive. Please don't don't do that." Shorter. Easier for her to digest.

Forgiving your Mom's behavior will be easier on both of you rather than trying to change your Mom all at once. But as each occasion presents itself, let her know your feelings.

I am NO EXPERT, but this is how I handled my (very similar) Mom. She never changed, but I could cope better.

This. Just like how we sometimes go to funerals for the people we love who are grieving rather than the person who died, some letters like this are written for our benefit not for the actual purpose of delivering to the intended recipient.

Maurice1966

I agree.