Relationship advice
Replies
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Thanks for all the advice...0
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Lol @ Taunto...the dog made me smile
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have you considered that perhaps you should get some therapy? having meantal/emotional issues isn't a case of 'trying to be nicer', it's a big deal that usually needs a little professional help. and this isn't just about your man, because your child is seeing how you treat your partner and building a skewed idea of what a relationship should be.
thinking the answer is simply trying not to act on the resentment is foolish. you need help to dig deep, find the root cause of resentment and deal with it. do you want to spend your life pretending to be happy with a situation or do you want to learn how to relax and be happy?
the rude people are making some very good points. don't ignore them just because the wording offends.0 -
Yeah... What is getting married going to change at this point? You live together as a family as us. The wedding certificate changes nothing about your daily life. So giving ultimatums or requiring someone to change before marriage is just silly. If he's complaining about you needing to be nicer - you should listen. That's a big one as far as I'm concerned. Living with someone will never be sunshine and rainbows. No matter how nice you are - you'll still butt heads. But he's telling you there's a problem. Pay attention0
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the rude people are making some very good points. don't ignore them just because the wording offends.
Damn straight.
I think you should stop beating around the bush. From a guys perspective and for your sake, I would think twice about just thinking you have dodged a bullet. The trigger hasnt even been pulled yet. If you arent careful, if you push him into something he will wind up resenting the relationship. Neither of you want that.0 -
Therapy? I mean, I guess everyone could use a therapist at times, but no I have never been. Not ignoring any advice, if I didn't want to hear anything negative, wouldnt have asked, just saying there's a way to say things, without the rudeness, but I guess some can't help it...have you considered that perhaps you should get some therapy? having meantal/emotional issues isn't a case of 'trying to be nicer', it's a big deal that usually needs a little professional help. and this isn't just about your man, because your child is seeing how you treat your partner and building a skewed idea of what a relationship should be.
thinking the answer is simply trying not to act on the resentment is foolish. you need help to dig deep, find the root cause of resentment and deal with it. do you want to spend your life pretending to be happy with a situation or do you want to learn how to relax and be happy?
the rude people are making some very good points. don't ignore them just because the wording offends.0 -
Personally if you already live together, and you want a child with him I can't see how being married would change things a whole lot?0
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Yeah... What is getting married going to change at this point? You live together as a family as us. The wedding certificate changes nothing about your daily life. So giving ultimatums or requiring someone to change before marriage is just silly. If he's complaining about you needing to be nicer - you should listen. That's a big one as far as I'm concerned. Living with someone will never be sunshine and rainbows. No matter how nice you are - you'll still butt heads. But he's telling you there's a problem. Pay attention
Yes I understand, and. I know marriage doesn't change anything except knowing that person truly wants to spend the rest of their
ILife with you.. I am paying attention. Maybe, I'm just not nice, bottom line. I've been told I'm too nice before, like a doormat, now I'm mean and need to be Nice, ugh!0 -
Personally if you already live together, and you want a child with him I can't see how being married would change things a whole lot?
No I guess I would still be not nice.. I personally, wouldn't Plan on having a child out of wedlock, but that's just me..so no marriage, no child...and my clock is ticking, lol.0 -
My advice is to wait for him. If he does stuff around the house without being asked, he obviously loves you (very very much). [My husband loves me very much, but even he doesn't do stuff around the house.] Give him the time he needs to prepare for marriage mentally, and in the mean time, you can both work on bringing better skills to the relationship. Being pushy i.e. giving an ultimatum is a poor choice, but I can't blame you for not wanting to waste your time. Four years is a good chunk of time, and if he's still with you, you have to trust that it's for a reason. Best of luck. :flowerforyou:0
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Hmmm I'm not getting the 'not nice' thing.
Why aren't you nice? OCD about cleaning and suchlike isn't 'not nice' - just a part of who you are... it's no bad reflection on your character or you as a person. We all have things we wish we could change about ourselves, but the fact of the matter is none of us are perfect.
I guess you have to ask yourself if he's worth waiting for - or have a frank conversation with him about what you would like - if you don't want the same things, it's unlikely it would work as one person will tend to grow to resent the other. Just a thought 0 -
Thank you! That was good,advice. I know he loves me a lot.My advice is to wait for him. If he does stuff around the house without being asked, he obviously loves you (very very much). [My husband loves me very much, but even he doesn't do stuff around the house.] Give him the time he needs to prepare for marriage mentally, and in the mean time, you can both work on bringing better skills to the relationship. Being pushy i.e. giving an ultimatum is a poor choice, but I can't blame you for not wanting to waste your time. Four years is a good chunk of time, and if he's still with you, you have to trust that it's for a reason. Best of luck. :flowerforyou:. U are right. 0 -
I will give you my one rule with ultimatums, be prepared to accept "or else" , if you are not then do not give the ultimatum.0
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Personally if you already live together, and you want a child with him I can't see how being married would change things a whole lot?
No I guess I would still be not nice.. I personally, wouldn't Plan on having a child out of wedlock, but that's just me..so no marriage, no child...and my clock is ticking, lol.
This is twice now that you mentioned your "clock." I know I'm probably younger than you and haven't felt the tug of my own timetable yet, but if there's one thing I've learned since blazing my own trail in life, it's that we can't live according to our own schedule. Life happens, yet we try to plan it all out and put into boxes with little labels and dates. "I'll get married before I'm 25. I'm a baby before I'm 30. I'll retire at 65." Etc etc. When we do that, we limit ourselves to the possibilities of how life could be. What if you don't meet your soul mate until you're 29? Do you find option B at 24 and force marriage? I'm not saying you are doing this, but many, many people do because they feel pressured to conform to their own ideas of how they -should- live their life instead of letting their life happen. Maybe if you ignore your ovaries and urge to marry for long enough, things will fall into place.
Either how you want them to, or maybe even better than you could have ever planned it. 0 -
you're already divorced, so how much weight can you really put on that piece of paper?Yes I understand, and. I know marriage doesn't change anything except knowing that person truly wants to spend the rest of their
ILife with you
this guy has moved to be with you, shares your home, has stayed with you 4 years and (i hope) has taken on your child. that, surely, says a lot more than something shiny on your finger, a big dress and a list of publicly made promises that are easily broken.0 -
'Until you're nicer'... I'll have to remember that one0
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you're already divorced, so how much weight can you really put on that piece of paper?Yes I understand, and. I know marriage doesn't change anything except knowing that person truly wants to spend the rest of their
ILife with you
this guy has moved to be with you, shares your home, has stayed with you 4 years and (i hope) has taken on your child. that, surely, says a lot more than something shiny on your finger, a big dress and a list of publicly made promises that are easily broken.
No fancy dress, no public promises. When I,do get married, I will have no such thing. It's not about that for me, and you are right,promises do get broken, for me it's,the full commitment. Not,just a piece of,paper.
And military, remember it! But in,his defense I can be mean at times, but geez every woman can, as well as men....0 -
yes, therapy.Therapy? I mean, I guess everyone could use a therapist at times, but no I have never been. Not ignoring any advice, if I didn't want to hear anything negative, wouldnt have asked, just saying there's a way to say things, without the rudeness, but I guess some can't help it...
you say you have ocd, trust issues, that you nag and can't relax.
you're on a fitness site so, presumably, you're into the idea of detoxing your body to keep it healthy. why not do the same for your mind? you're carrying around all this stuff from your past that is poisoning your present. get rid of it and start living!
as for 'rude' people? it's just a different way of communicating their ideas. more blunt and to the point, with humour if you can see it. sugar coating messages isn't superior, it's just different.0 -
I do not believe in ULTIMATUMS... My husband and I were living together for 3 years before getting engaged.. Watch out because if someone told me to give them an ultimatum then I would be like ok there is the door.. Also, maybe he wants to make sure that he is sure.. To me I dont believe you need a paper to make any ultimate commitment as long as you love each, but that is me.. I would just talk to him about what needs to be done to make both of you happy..0
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Personally if you already live together, and you want a child with him I can't see how being married would change things a whole lot?
No I guess I would still be not nice.. I personally, wouldn't Plan on having a child out of wedlock, but that's just me..so no marriage, no child...and my clock is ticking, lol.
This is twice now that you mentioned your "clock." I know I'm probably younger than you and haven't felt the tug of my otimetable yet, but if there's one thing I've learned since blazing my own trail in life, it's that we can't live according to our own schedule. Life happens, yet we try to plan it all out and put into boxes with little labels and dates. "I'll get married before I'm 25. I'm a baby before I'm 30. I'll retire at 65." Etc etc. When we do that, we limit ourselves to the possibilities of how life could be. What if you don't meet your soul mate until you're 29? Do you find option B at 24 and force marriage? I'm not saying you are doing this, but many, many people do because they feel pressured to conform to their own ideas of how they -should- live their life instead of letting their life happen. Maybe if you ignore your ovaries and urge to marry for long enough, things will fall into place. Either how you want them to, or maybe even better than you could have ever planned it.
I am a planner, however my life didn't turn out as planned..overall I'm ok where I'm at, just think too much I guess....0 -
Personally if you already live together, and you want a child with him I can't see how being married would change things a whole lot?
No I guess I would still be not nice.. I personally, wouldn't Plan on having a child out of wedlock, but that's just me..so no marriage, no child...and my clock is ticking, lol.
This is twice now that you mentioned your "clock." I know I'm probably younger than you and haven't felt the tug of my otimetable yet, but if there's one thing I've learned since blazing my own trail in life, it's that we can't live according to our own schedule. Life happens, yet we try to plan it all out and put into boxes with little labels and dates. "I'll get married before I'm 25. I'm a baby before I'm 30. I'll retire at 65." Etc etc. When we do that, we limit ourselves to the possibilities of how life could be. What if you don't meet your soul mate until you're 29? Do you find option B at 24 and force marriage? I'm not saying you are doing this, but many, many people do because they feel pressured to conform to their own ideas of how they -should- live their life instead of letting their life happen. Maybe if you ignore your ovaries and urge to marry for long enough, things will fall into place. Either how you want them to, or maybe even better than you could have ever planned it.
I am a planner, however my life didn't turn out as planned..overall I'm ok where I'm at, just think too much I guess....
Oh, I know honey. :laugh: We have a bit in common. I was a planner too, and then life got in the way of my own plans. I have to say, in my own case, it turned out waaay better than I could have planned, AND I'm happy. (<-That's the key there. Are you happy?) Just saying there is a method to the madness. :drinker:0 -
Well it's pretty impossible for me to get off work to go to therapy. And yes I'm a little OCD, like a clean house and selfish at times. I don't think a therapist would tell me anything,I don't know on these issues. But Im open to it, if it was only that simple. I do need to relax sometimes. I quit smoking, so I don't have that crutch anymore. I workout, when I can, that s about it. As for as rude people to convey their point, I just call it. Being a jerk, personally. But, point taken.0
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Couple of things.
First, lets not tell the OP what in her mind the importance of that piece of paper should be. Its important to her. That should be the end of discussion right there...some people like having that piece of paper.
You're still going on about changing yourself. I donot understand that. I mean I understand that a person can and should change and evolve in or out of a relationship but...can you change your personality for this guy? Are you going to "stop nagging" for the rest of your live because if not then you're just putting up a fake front which (1) he will easily be able to tell and (2) if he's dumb enough to not detect the fakeness and endsup proposing it'll make one or both of your lives miserable.
Third and this is a big one for me. I, at the young age of 28, have been with enough women, heard enough crap to realize that at the end of the day, I want a woman who is, for a lack of a better word, not a b!tch. But you keep bringing up again and again about this "not nice" thing which is showing that either he's manipulating you to think that you're a rude/mean person or that you genuinely are not a nice person (sorry, its the internet, I don't know you so I don't know your personality and am goign by what you've mentioned). In either case, you might wanna think about the fact that him manipulating or you being mean isn't just something that you can change easily and should think about going from there0 -
Beetle, sure I'm happy, for the most part. Is anyone truly 100% happy in life? I recently bought a house on my own, have a healthy five year old son, great family, a job...what more can I ask for?? Marriage, a new baby?. Lol!!0
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Therapy? I mean, I guess everyone could use a therapist at times, but no I have never been. Not ignoring any advice, if I didn't want to hear anything negative, wouldnt have asked, just saying there's a way to say things, without the rudeness, but I guess some can't help it...have you considered that perhaps you should get some therapy? having meantal/emotional issues isn't a case of 'trying to be nicer', it's a big deal that usually needs a little professional help. and this isn't just about your man, because your child is seeing how you treat your partner and building a skewed idea of what a relationship should be.
thinking the answer is simply trying not to act on the resentment is foolish. you need help to dig deep, find the root cause of resentment and deal with it. do you want to spend your life pretending to be happy with a situation or do you want to learn how to relax and be happy?
the rude people are making some very good points. don't ignore them just because the wording offends.
As you say, most people could benefit from therapy at some point in their life. It's not an insult to suggest that you may benefit from an assessment to find out if you are one of them. You sound like a nice person. It's quite possible from what you have written to infer that not having everything in it's place causes you a high degree of anxiety, to the degree that makes it difficult for people to live with you. There is a possibility that you may have OCD which is under-diagnosed. Many, many people have it to a mild/moderate degree and lead perfectly ordinary lives but struggle a great deal with problems like this. There is effective treatment which for mild cases can take as little as 10 weeks. If this is what is behind your problem, you may struggle to change your current behaviour on your own.
If you decide to check this out then look for a national register of qualified cognitive behavioural therapists or ask your doctor to recommend someone. The way I see it, if you go and find out your not affected, you have lost little, whereas if you don't and you are, you may lose your chance at happiness with someone you love. That's a very unequal equation, please don't let the stigma of mental illness prevent you from taking every opportunity to be happy. Good luck :flowerforyou:0 -
Couple of things.
First, lets not tell the OP what in her mind the importance of that piece of paper should be. Its important to her. That should be the end of discussion right there...some people like having that piece of paper.
You're still going on about changing yourself. I donot understand that. I mean I understand that a person can and should change and evolve in or out of a relationship but...can you change your personality for this guy? Are you going to "stop nagging" for the rest of your live because if not then you're just putting up a fake front which (1) he will easily be able to tell and (2) if he's dumb enough to not detect the fakeness and endsup proposing it'll make one or both of your lives miserable.
Third and this is a big one for me. I, at the young age of 28, have been with enough women, heard enough crap to realize that at the end of the day, I want a woman who is, for a lack of a better word, not a b!tch. But you keep bringing up again and again about this "not nice" thing which is showing that either he's manipulating you to think that you're a rude/mean person or that you genuinely are not a nice person (sorry, its the internet, I don't know you so I don't know your personality and am goign by what you've mentioned). In either case, you might wanna think about the fact that him manipulating or you being mean isn't just something that you can change easily and should think about going from there
It has been brought to my attention by a co worker as well. That I'm a little selfish. As far as him he says I used to be nice, before we lived together..I'm not sure. I guess because i complain to him, nag. Bottom line is before we only saw each other on weekends only, so he never saw some of my bad points. So, in his mind we moved in together and I became mean. When in reality he just never saw all of me.! The good, the bad and the ugly...0 -
Drop him like a hot potato. He should not be talking to you that way. He does not want to comitt, go find someone that does and would never talk to you that way!!!!!!!!!!!!!0
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Oh honey. If he's telling you that he's not going to marry you "until you're nicer"... That is an excuse, he doesn't want to commit.
Why are you letting him put everything on you? If a man is in love with a woman, she doesn't have to prove herself in order for him to want to commit to her. I'm sure he's perfect and the only problem you two ever have is that you aren't "nice" enough.
i hate to say it but i agree with this. my ex kept saying if i was this or that or the other but guess what in the end he was JUST NOT READY and i was JUST NOT GOING TO WAIT any longer. 4 yrs down the drain.
he was great! he cooked, he cleaned, he was nice, loving and attentive, smart, funny....but i was ready and he wasnt. doesnt make either of us a bad person just means we want different things. no i didnt give him an ultimatum i agree thats a bad idea, it wont make him be ready over night, we did work on things but i did feel like i was spinning my wheels cuz i tried to be the perfect girlfriend to make him see how good of a wife I could be and that didnt work either.
if u decide to wait on him, just make sure he ultimately WANTS the same things as you, doesnt matter when but make sure he wants the same things as you and make sure that ur future holds the sames things u want.
whatever u do, do what will make u ultimately happy in the future, not just in this moment, but in the long run.0 -
? I know i have a llittle anxiety, and slight OCD, but thought I had it pretty under control without relying on some pill or whatever. All these posts are just bringing me down now.
Therapy? I mean, I guess everyone could use a therapist at times, but no I have never been. Not ignoring any advice, if I didn't want to hear anything negative, wouldnt have asked, just saying there's a way to say things, without the rudeness, but I guess some can't help it...have you considered that perhaps you should get some therapy? having meantal/emotional issues isn't a case of 'trying to be nicer', it's a big deal that usually needs a little professional help. and this isn't just about your man, because your child is seeing how you treat your partner and building a skewed idea of what a relationship should be.
thinking the answer is simply trying not to act on the resentment is foolish. you need help to dig deep, find the root cause of resentment and deal with it. do you want to spend your life pretending to be happy with a situation or do you want to learn how to relax and be happy?
the rude people are making some very good points. don't ignore them just because the wording offends.
As you say, most people could benefit from therapy at some point in their life. It's not an insult to suggest that you may benefit from an assessment to find out if you are one of them. You sound like a nice person. It's quite possible from what you have written to infer that not having everything in it's place causes you a high degree of anxiety, to the degree that makes it difficult for people to live with you. There is a possibility that you may have OCD which is under-diagnosed. Many, many people have it to a mild/moderate degree and lead perfectly ordinary lives but struggle a great deal with problems like this. There is effective treatment which for mild cases can take as little as 10 weeks. If this is what is behind your problem, you may struggle to change your current behaviour on your own.
If you decide to check this out then look for a national register of qualified cognitive behavioural therapists or ask your doctor to recommend someone. The way I see it, if you go and find out your not affected, you have lost little, whereas if you don't and you are, you may lose your chance at happiness with someone you love. That's a very unequal equation, please don't let the stigma of mental illness prevent you from taking every opportunity to be happy. Good luck :flowerforyou:
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therapy isn't about being told things (unless you have a terrible therapist). it's about being asked the right questions, the ones only you know the answers to. you know what a relief it can be to get something off your chest? well think of all the things that have piled up so deep on your chest that you can no longer make out what they are, and then imagine the relief of getting rid of those!Well it's pretty impossible for me to get off work to go to therapy. And yes I'm a little OCD, like a clean house and selfish at times. I don't think a therapist would tell me anything,I don't know on these issues. But Im open to it, if it was only that simple. I do need to relax sometimes. I quit smoking, so I don't have that crutch anymore. I workout, when I can, that s about it. As for as rude people to convey their point, I just call it. Being a jerk, personally. But, point taken.
getting married and having a baby won't make you a happier person if the reasons you're not happy right now aren't addressed. the real reasons.
whether the man stays or goes isn't as important as your peace of mind.
...of course, i could be full of *kitten*.0
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