Relationship advice
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HI..just wanted to say..if everything is going o.k. without being married..& both parties have different opinions about it...
then why is marriage an issue. If there are other things that need to be worked on..maybe that should be the focus
of the relationship at this point.
Marriage should be the result of two willing people.. in all aspects..wanting to share a lifetime together..
it's not to be rushed..or...
something to do because of a time frame together.
Best of Luck to you : )0 -
I agree marriage should not be rushed, but after four years you should know one way or the other...m
And Emily, I agree he should a cept some things about me, but I definitely have areas that I can improve in, for him, but more for myself...0 -
why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free!
are you a bad person? what is this about 'until you're nicer'
i don't get it.
I think pretty much this, I mean I too am all for living together first but I won't move in with a guy until we're engaged (I plan on at least a year long engagement)... Not sure it will work out this way since I'm very young and have only had a handful of serous relationships thus far...As for when it's time to throw an ultimatum out there, I mean I guess only you would really know when it's time.0 -
This "why buy the cow" crap that somebody posted has got to be the most....nevermind its not even worth saying something to this type of ignorance and sexism.
Here's the male PoV. During the 4 years of companionship, any man would at one point or another tell you if he is EVER getting married or not. I myself am not marriage material and donot want permanent anything so I am upfront about this to the women I go out with.
This "ultimatum" you gals are talking about is the best possible way for you to drive away any standup man who don't tolerate bullying. If he caves into this "ultimatum" then congratulation, you got yourself a spineless turtle who will do whatever you wish.
If you wish to listen to a male opinion: Ask him that while you're not looking for a proposal right away, you would like to know that after 4 years you 2 are not just fooling around. Men hate "the talk" but after 4 years, any reasonable man wouldn't object to the talk. If he says "it'll happen when it happens" then start thinking about the possibility that he might not wanna go the route of marriage or maybe just not wanna marry YOU (sorry, harsh truth). If he gives you solid reasons like he wishes to be financially stable or he doesn't know if he's ready for KIDS (kids are one of the main reasons men don't want to commit, we're not scared of kids, we just don't want to bring another person to this very very CRUEL world). Basically if he's giving you a good reason to why in his mind now is a bad time, then you 2 should talk.
If he wants you to be "nicer" then you might wanna think if you wanna change yourself for this person or the things that in his eyes make you "not nice" are too dear to you. Changing a little bit for somebody isn't bad. When I'm in a relationship I try to keep my place much more clean, I try to workout more often, I am more outgoing etc. Its not bad to change for somebody but if you're changing things that're too dear to you then its not worth to have such a relationship.
Good luck in your journey. I hope you the best
I like this response. Good point, if you decide to give an ultimatum be careful that it isn't a form of emotional blackmail to get him to do what you want to do. You can't force him, but if you are unhappy with how things are you can express your feelings to him, tell him why you'd like to be married for example.
Make sure you want to get married too, in your heart. Do you complain about things because you genuinely are unhappy living with this guy for example? Because that could be a deal breaker for a marriage.
Also beware that marriage doesn't mean bliss, you need to have a solid relationship first, it won't fix anything that is broken already, and also a preparing for a wedding is very stressful. You need to have your relationship as the 'retreat' from all the other stresses of life (including the stress of wedding planning), you should not get married if your relationship is the cause factor of stress.0 -
I'm with the other poster above - why do you need to get married? If things are working out as they are, why do you need the validation of a piece of paper to have a child?
Personally, myself, I want to get married and be married when I have children. This is something that is also important to my partner, and we have discussed it on many occasions. We've only been together for just under a year, and just recently moved in together, so there are still a lot of quirks we are discovering about each other. We both know that we have to compromise in some situations to keep the peace, but we don't differ on major things so it's not about one person changing their personality to suit the other.
I guess what I'm trying to say is - if marriage is important to you, but not so important to him, are you really compatible for each other? If he says he doesn't want to get married EVER is this something that would make you leave him, or would you be willing to stay in the relationship?0 -
In my very humble opinion, an ultimatum is the best way to kill a relationship... be careful. It might happen that you give an ultimatum thinking that it will be a trigger point for him to reach and go to your trail but... it could happen that he feels attacked so your relationship would end up by that moment....0
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I'm with the other poster above - why do you need to get married? If things are working out as they are, why do you need the validation of a piece of paper to have a child?
Personally, myself, I want to get married and be married when I have children. This is something that is also important to my partner, and we have discussed it on many occasions. We've only been together for just under a year, and just recently moved in together, so there are still a lot of quirks we are discovering about each other. We both know that we have to compromise in some situations to keep the peace, but we don't differ on major things so it's not about one person changing their personality to suit the other.
I guess what I'm trying to say is - if marriage is important to you, but not so important to him, are you really compatible for each other? If he says he doesn't want to get married EVER is this something that would make you leave him, or would you be willing to stay in the relationship?
It's more of the commitment, and I am divorced, due to trust issues, so I know all about not rushing, that's the main reason why I chose to live together before marriage..he Does want to get married, just thinks some things should improve...I know it's a piece of paper, but in the end I would like to be married not just domestic partners....it's ok for now, but Im not that young...and would like a child, in a committed relationship...0 -
I agree Jose, I see that is Not the way to go!0
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Oh honey. If he's telling you that he's not going to marry you "until you're nicer"... That is an excuse, he doesn't want to commit.
Why are you letting him put everything on you? If a man is in love with a woman, she doesn't have to prove herself in order for him to want to commit to her. I'm sure he's perfect and the only problem you two ever have is that you aren't "nice" enough.
Since I haven't heard a ton about your relationship, I have to say this response sounds like a really good one. This definitely a possibility, especially since it has been 4 years. If its this, I do not know what you can do that will help and have no risks.
Yups.. what they said. Not saying drop him like a hot rock, but I am saying that unconditional love is real and very possible. You don't have to be perfect for someone to love you unconditionally... just perfect in their eyes. And whatever faults you have would be accepted as part of who you are (unless you are a crazy ax murderess, then you may find challenges in finding a mate)
Stay strong. 0 -
Well, he did move his life to,come live with me, and to be honest I am grumpy pretty often. He's not really messy, and does laundry without me asking, etc...I tend to complain a lot..I think he is afraid to get married, especially if things dont improve. I am working on being nicer etc, and he is working on things I have complained about, I just want to know when...and I guess I kinda have the if ya can't hae me at my worst, ya don't deserve me at my best mentality lately.
Without sounding mean, you sound exactly like someone I wouldnt want to marry either. You complain, yet at the same time you say that he does things without you asking, has moved to be with you. He obviously loves you, but honestly I wouldnt marry someone who acts like you say you do either. What you are basically saying, is that you are trying to change him to better suit you and that you just want to know becuase it would suit YOU and put YOU at ease.
Dont worry about how hes feeling or anything... I'd say there are deepr underlying issues as to why he doesnt want to marry you, probably something to do with your sounding like a B*tch.
Why so serious?
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Thanks for all the advice...0
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Lol @ Taunto...the dog made me smile
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have you considered that perhaps you should get some therapy? having meantal/emotional issues isn't a case of 'trying to be nicer', it's a big deal that usually needs a little professional help. and this isn't just about your man, because your child is seeing how you treat your partner and building a skewed idea of what a relationship should be.
thinking the answer is simply trying not to act on the resentment is foolish. you need help to dig deep, find the root cause of resentment and deal with it. do you want to spend your life pretending to be happy with a situation or do you want to learn how to relax and be happy?
the rude people are making some very good points. don't ignore them just because the wording offends.0 -
Yeah... What is getting married going to change at this point? You live together as a family as us. The wedding certificate changes nothing about your daily life. So giving ultimatums or requiring someone to change before marriage is just silly. If he's complaining about you needing to be nicer - you should listen. That's a big one as far as I'm concerned. Living with someone will never be sunshine and rainbows. No matter how nice you are - you'll still butt heads. But he's telling you there's a problem. Pay attention0
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the rude people are making some very good points. don't ignore them just because the wording offends.
Damn straight.
I think you should stop beating around the bush. From a guys perspective and for your sake, I would think twice about just thinking you have dodged a bullet. The trigger hasnt even been pulled yet. If you arent careful, if you push him into something he will wind up resenting the relationship. Neither of you want that.0 -
Therapy? I mean, I guess everyone could use a therapist at times, but no I have never been. Not ignoring any advice, if I didn't want to hear anything negative, wouldnt have asked, just saying there's a way to say things, without the rudeness, but I guess some can't help it...have you considered that perhaps you should get some therapy? having meantal/emotional issues isn't a case of 'trying to be nicer', it's a big deal that usually needs a little professional help. and this isn't just about your man, because your child is seeing how you treat your partner and building a skewed idea of what a relationship should be.
thinking the answer is simply trying not to act on the resentment is foolish. you need help to dig deep, find the root cause of resentment and deal with it. do you want to spend your life pretending to be happy with a situation or do you want to learn how to relax and be happy?
the rude people are making some very good points. don't ignore them just because the wording offends.0 -
Personally if you already live together, and you want a child with him I can't see how being married would change things a whole lot?0
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Yeah... What is getting married going to change at this point? You live together as a family as us. The wedding certificate changes nothing about your daily life. So giving ultimatums or requiring someone to change before marriage is just silly. If he's complaining about you needing to be nicer - you should listen. That's a big one as far as I'm concerned. Living with someone will never be sunshine and rainbows. No matter how nice you are - you'll still butt heads. But he's telling you there's a problem. Pay attention
Yes I understand, and. I know marriage doesn't change anything except knowing that person truly wants to spend the rest of their
ILife with you.. I am paying attention. Maybe, I'm just not nice, bottom line. I've been told I'm too nice before, like a doormat, now I'm mean and need to be Nice, ugh!0 -
Personally if you already live together, and you want a child with him I can't see how being married would change things a whole lot?
No I guess I would still be not nice.. I personally, wouldn't Plan on having a child out of wedlock, but that's just me..so no marriage, no child...and my clock is ticking, lol.0 -
My advice is to wait for him. If he does stuff around the house without being asked, he obviously loves you (very very much). [My husband loves me very much, but even he doesn't do stuff around the house.] Give him the time he needs to prepare for marriage mentally, and in the mean time, you can both work on bringing better skills to the relationship. Being pushy i.e. giving an ultimatum is a poor choice, but I can't blame you for not wanting to waste your time. Four years is a good chunk of time, and if he's still with you, you have to trust that it's for a reason. Best of luck. :flowerforyou:0
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