Relationship advice

EmilyTwist1

After reading more of the posts, I would suggest focusing on sorting out your problems before worrying about marriage. The two of you need to talk about where you are having difficulties, what the issues actually are (ie, being more specific than "not nice"), and what can be done to fix it. I think couple's therapy might be a good idea. It is often helpful to have an impartial moderator in these situations who can offer an outside perspective. A therapist can also give you tools to help you solve relationship conflicts in the future. If you don't want to see a therapist, and if you are religious, you might want to consider checking with your religious congregation to see if they offer anything like this for couples.

Even if you don't see a therapist, do talk to your partner. Take this as an opportunity to develop your communication skills. Good communication is essential in maintaining a healthy relationship.

Once you have found a way to deal with your conflicts in a healthy way such that everyone is happy with the results, come back to the question of marriage. Both of you will be in a much better place to talk about it.

charelg

Calvert- agree, thanks. Guess I need to chill out a little..l think,I suck in relationships...

Jebbster007

Charel....you're a beautiful young woman. From what I understand of your post, there are some things you/he would like to change about yourself i.e. the nagging, being nicer, etc... Are you honestly willing to change those things? Do you truly see them as issues that are preventing a loving relationship in your life? Everyone has those types of issues. I was really messy before I got married. Not an absolute slob per se....but I definitely had "being tidy" issues. Did my wife love me enough to say to herself, if he never changes, can I live with this? The answer was yes....and I have never worked harder in my life to pick up after myself. Do I still have a bad day here and there. Absolutely. Do I still recognize, its an act of love to treat my wifes "nest" as something to take care of and look after? You bet. I would agree with some who have said that men do not respond well to ultimatums. They don't. But I also heard someone call him a "stand up guy". Puuuh-leeeze. Any man who won't pull the trigger after 4 years is waiting for something better to come along. All the excuses are just that, excuses. Money??? Wanting to be financially stable? I get it in principle but I married my wife when I didn't have a job. I loved her so much I wanted to get her off the market as soon as humanly possible. You want to hold out for someone who will love you like that. Quite frankly, I think you deserve better

Hmmmm interesting,opinion. I don't get it, ****, I would have married me years ago! Lol!! My nice version anyway. I don't think it's an excuse, but Ido think he's afraid of the M word.,,

blah blah....bring on the flames....

What don't you get? If I wasn't clear I would love to elaborate. And I'm not sure what **** meant? Oh, I totally agree with you. I would have married you years ago too.

Maybe I wasn't as clear as I thought I was. Men say they are afraid of the "M" word. But when a man is head-over-heels in love, he's not afraid of ANYthing. It's like that movie called "He's Just Not That Into You". Don't know if you've seen it (though it wasn't dead-on in every single respect) it was surprisingly accurate to a certain degree. I am saying, I think you're a better woman than that and that you deserve better. Not saying he's a total dirt-bag, just saying you deserve better. Of course, you have to believe in your heart that you deserve better too.

And just fyi....happily married for 11 years this September and if you would like my wife to comment on our marriage, I'm sure she'd be more than willing.

ShareeMorty

Charel....you're a beautiful young woman. From what I understand of your post, there are some things you/he would like to change about yourself i.e. the nagging, being nicer, etc... Are you honestly willing to change those things? Do you truly see them as issues that are preventing a loving relationship in your life? Everyone has those types of issues. I was really messy before I got married. Not an absolute slob per se....but I definitely had "being tidy" issues. Did my wife love me enough to say to herself, if he never changes, can I live with this? The answer was yes....and I have never worked harder in my life to pick up after myself. Do I still have a bad day here and there. Absolutely. Do I still recognize, its an act of love to treat my wifes "nest" as something to take care of and look after? You bet. I would agree with some who have said that men do not respond well to ultimatums. They don't. But I also heard someone call him a "stand up guy". Puuuh-leeeze. Any man who won't pull the trigger after 4 years is waiting for something better to come along. All the excuses are just that, excuses. Money??? Wanting to be financially stable? I get it in principle but I married my wife when I didn't have a job. I loved her so much I wanted to get her off the market as soon as humanly possible. You want to hold out for someone who will love you like that. Quite frankly, I think you deserve better.

blah blah....bring on the flames....

This is what I am talking about - your wife is very lucky

Jebbster007

Charel....you're a beautiful young woman. From what I understand of your post, there are some things you/he would like to change about yourself i.e. the nagging, being nicer, etc... Are you honestly willing to change those things? Do you truly see them as issues that are preventing a loving relationship in your life? Everyone has those types of issues. I was really messy before I got married. Not an absolute slob per se....but I definitely had "being tidy" issues. Did my wife love me enough to say to herself, if he never changes, can I live with this? The answer was yes....and I have never worked harder in my life to pick up after myself. Do I still have a bad day here and there. Absolutely. Do I still recognize, its an act of love to treat my wifes "nest" as something to take care of and look after? You bet. I would agree with some who have said that men do not respond well to ultimatums. They don't. But I also heard someone call him a "stand up guy". Puuuh-leeeze. Any man who won't pull the trigger after 4 years is waiting for something better to come along. All the excuses are just that, excuses. Money??? Wanting to be financially stable? I get it in principle but I married my wife when I didn't have a job. I loved her so much I wanted to get her off the market as soon as humanly possible. You want to hold out for someone who will love you like that. Quite frankly, I think you deserve better.

blah blah....bring on the flames....

This is what I am talking about - your wife is very lucky

awww Sharee....thank you, thats very sweet.

Beezil

I waited 7 years for marriage... I don't personally think 4 is that bad... but who am I to judge your relationship. lol... Good luck
If you guys really love each other, I'm sure it will be worth the wait. :flowerforyou:

ShareeMorty

Charel....you're a beautiful young woman. From what I understand of your post, there are some things you/he would like to change about yourself i.e. the nagging, being nicer, etc... Are you honestly willing to change those things? Do you truly see them as issues that are preventing a loving relationship in your life? Everyone has those types of issues. I was really messy before I got married. Not an absolute slob per se....but I definitely had "being tidy" issues. Did my wife love me enough to say to herself, if he never changes, can I live with this? The answer was yes....and I have never worked harder in my life to pick up after myself. Do I still have a bad day here and there. Absolutely. Do I still recognize, its an act of love to treat my wifes "nest" as something to take care of and look after? You bet. I would agree with some who have said that men do not respond well to ultimatums. They don't. But I also heard someone call him a "stand up guy". Puuuh-leeeze. Any man who won't pull the trigger after 4 years is waiting for something better to come along. All the excuses are just that, excuses. Money??? Wanting to be financially stable? I get it in principle but I married my wife when I didn't have a job. I loved her so much I wanted to get her off the market as soon as humanly possible. You want to hold out for someone who will love you like that. Quite frankly, I think you deserve better.

blah blah....bring on the flames....

This is what I am talking about - your wife is very lucky

awww Sharee....thank you, thats very sweet.

You are very welcome :drinker:

onedayillbeamilf

Try being nice and see what happens.

Charger440

Ultimatums are NEVER a good idea......

He should love you for who you are. By saying he's waiting for you to be "nicer" he wants you to change who you are. People never really change, you are who you are. If you really love each other then just keep living together. In most states it only takes a few years and your legally married whether you want to be or not so then all you have to do is get that fancy wedding you ladies are always wanting.

deadgirl81

then all you have to do is get that fancy wedding you ladies are always wanting.

I'd quite happily get married in jeans, trainers and my "Delightfully White Trash" Stewie Griffin t-shirt :happy:

lorro

have you considered that perhaps you should get some therapy? having meantal/emotional issues isn't a case of 'trying to be nicer', it's a big deal that usually needs a little professional help. and this isn't just about your man, because your child is seeing how you treat your partner and building a skewed idea of what a relationship should be.

thinking the answer is simply trying not to act on the resentment is foolish. you need help to dig deep, find the root cause of resentment and deal with it. do you want to spend your life pretending to be happy with a situation or do you want to learn how to relax and be happy?

the rude people are making some very good points. don't ignore them just because the wording offends.

Therapy? I mean, I guess everyone could use a therapist at times, but no I have never been. Not ignoring any advice, if I didn't want to hear anything negative, wouldnt have asked, just saying there's a way to say things, without the rudeness, but I guess some can't help it...

As you say, most people could benefit from therapy at some point in their life. It's not an insult to suggest that you may benefit from an assessment to find out if you are one of them. You sound like a nice person. It's quite possible from what you have written to infer that not having everything in it's place causes you a high degree of anxiety, to the degree that makes it difficult for people to live with you. There is a possibility that you may have OCD which is under-diagnosed. Many, many people have it to a mild/moderate degree and lead perfectly ordinary lives but struggle a great deal with problems like this. There is effective treatment which for mild cases can take as little as 10 weeks. If this is what is behind your problem, you may struggle to change your current behaviour on your own.

If you decide to check this out then look for a national register of qualified cognitive behavioural therapists or ask your doctor to recommend someone. The way I see it, if you go and find out your not affected, you have lost little, whereas if you don't and you are, you may lose your chance at happiness with someone you love. That's a very unequal equation, please don't let the stigma of mental illness prevent you from taking every opportunity to be happy. Good luck :flowerforyou:

? I know i have a llittle anxiety, and slight OCD, but thought I had it pretty under control without relying on some pill or whatever. All these posts are just bringing me down now.

Oh I'm really sorry my reply made you feel so bad :frown: I'll clarify what I meant and then I'll not post again, my intention was to help, not to upset you.

I wasn't suggesting you had a serious illness, or that you needed medication. Clearly that is not the case and you would know it if it was. People who are mildly affected by anxiety problems benefit from help too - the criteria used is whether the problem is having an impact on their day to day lives. I can't tell you the number of people who feel that they are "a bit OCD" who decide they want some help with it and it turns out they are "a bit OCD" or have some other difficulties with anxiety. The things is, if you are anxious when things don't go to plan, or are not as you would expect, then everything in your body is telling you to react to remove the source of that anxiety. It's really hard not too. A number of things can be behind such anxieties, most commonly perfectionism and/or intolerance of uncertainty.

There are simple things that can be worked on in a few sessions of therapy - no pills - just ways of thinking and acting and how those help or don't help, which can make a big difference. In the UK, where I live, some of these basic skills in managing mood are so useful in life that they are now considering teaching them in schools as life skills. Even if you decide it's not for you, I hope this reply helps reassure you that no-one is suggesting that there is anything wrong with you. Most people struggle with problems at some point in their lives. Some can be helped easily with a little of the right type of support, for others there is not much that can be done other than general support. I think it's likely you have the former type of problem. But many people don't get the help and struggle on, leading normal lives and learning as they go along. The choice is yours but either way, I have no doubt that you will learn ways of managing your anxiety and find a path which is right for you :flowerforyou:

calvert6183

Calvert- agree, thanks. Guess I need to chill out a little..l think,I suck in relationships...

and

Its not that you suck at it, I think people forget that relationships require work and that we never stop learning about ourselves and the people that we love. I believe in you and think you can fix your relationship. Just promise that you will always communicate with him about your feelings, his feelings, and what can be done to make both of you happy. I think its amazing that you even can look at yourself and say that you can improve on yourself. Most people could never do that. Most always think its everyone that is the problem.

If you love him, never listen to others, never give up, most people quit relationships, marriages, jobs, or any type of commitments way to quick thinking that the grass is greener on the other side, guess what? That grass needs maintenance to grow as well and if you go over there, you will have work hard to keep it growing so might as well stay with the one you love and work it through it.

Also working on you being nicer will improve your outlook on you, relationships with your friends, family, coworkers, and your man and I know you can do it. You are smart and blessed to have everything you have, dont ever let the small things ruin it. If you ever need anything, let me know, ill always be honest with advice instead of just saying how pretty you are, not sure how telling someone how pretty they are answers any of your problems.

supplemama

Oh my! First thing to consider is that you have a child. Your boyfriend should think about this too, it's not just your life he's trifling with, but that of your child's. Especially with your child being so young, you've been with this guy since your kid was around 1, right? So an attachment to him has been formed. It's more than time for him to step and choose to form a permanent family with you guys rather than just be your boyfriend.

Honestly? It doesn't sound like he wants to marry you. You need to stop wasting your youth and your fertility on a man that just doesn't want something permanent with you. Why bother? You are young and attractive and should have no problem finding a suitable husband you can love and have more children with. As far as current dude, free him so he can go find someone 'nicer'.

charelg

Thanks for all your replies. Calvert, you should be a relationship counsellor, good advice. To some of the other replies, I don't want a big wedding,I have already done that, it's more,of the commitment, to me. And I'm not rushing, fours years is pretty long. Maybe I sabotage my relationships...guess I need to just take some time to sort things out in my life...

nolachick

you women are not real princesses. Life is no storybook fairy tail.

we're not??? wth lol.
sorry but whatever man I marry better treat me like one. not because i'm demanding it cuz i deserve it and i will treat him with the same respect.

charelg

Agree Nola chick, all women should be treated like a priincss

DMZ_1

I have read through a lot of this thread.

I'm no relationship expert.

But here's how I see things.

@Charel....

I don't think issuing an ultimatum is a good thing. I perceive that ultimatums rarely yield good outcomes.

I also don't think you are ready for marriage, individually or as a couple. That's not to say that the two of you won't be at some point-you may very well be.

You and your boyfriend do need to spend some time together, communicating, expressing feelings, sharing what is on each of your minds. I think if you two do this, things could become freer and easier in your relationship. This could be the cool breeze that makes a hot day more bearable.

Take the time to explore who you are, where you are at and what each of you could improve upon going forward.

I certainly wish the best for you!

MaraDiaz

Oh honey. If he's telling you that he's not going to marry you "until you're nicer"... That is an excuse, he doesn't want to commit.

Why are you letting him put everything on you? If a man is in love with a woman, she doesn't have to prove herself in order for him to want to commit to her. I'm sure he's perfect and the only problem you two ever have is that you aren't "nice" enough.

This is the impression I get.

4 years? I would have walked away a year ago, and by the end of year two, he would definitely have been on notice that since he doesn't seem marriage inclined, I would feel free to move on to someone else whenever I was inclined. Sorry, but he sounds like he's wasting your time.

hedgiie

i would rather cherish that relationship and keep the chemistry work it's way to what ever it will bring you. as long as your growing together, and loving each other then that's it

stupidloser

You look so young. Why have a child. Are you looking to lock him in?