Relationship advice
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what's so important about getting married? You're already living with him. If anything things will go downhill after getting married. Just be happy.0
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I will give you my one rule with ultimatums, be prepared to accept "or else" , if you are not then do not give the ultimatum.
Yep...100% agree. I gave an ultimate one time in which I was dead serious.... Unless you are ready to walk away from the relationship, and i mean think about it, don't give the ultimatum.0 -
what's so important about getting married? You're already living with him. If anything things will go downhill after getting married. Just be happy.
Obviously you've never been married or you've been in a bad relationship because this is so far off base it's laughable. I've been with my husband for 16 years, married for 6 of them and the only thing that's changed is things getting better and better every year we're together.
Believe it or not there are actually people out there who want to get married for reasons of their own. If you don't want to then that's your prerogative.
To the OP: I agree with the people who have said not to give an ultimatum unless you are absolutely sure you can and want to go through with it. Not for nothing but if your BF says he won't marry you until you're "nicer" perhaps you need to take a look inside and figure out why you're not so nice. There's a reason why he would say something like that.0 -
What does this mean?Yeah, he would like a child...he's more carefree then m e, guess I'm more of a planner...0 -
Oh my!! I will never, never ask for advice on here again. I should know better, just wanted unbiased thoughts, boy did I get them! Calvert, you have the best responses, and see both sides, thanks for taking the time to give advice. @ snoopy, it means he's more carefree, he would a child at some point, but not a special time frame. I appreciate opinions, but ya know what they say about those...0
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I'm sorry that you don't like the responses you have gotten. Please, don't judge the whole website because of it. I genuinely thought about the situation and answered the best I could, I imagine others did also. Some people, might just be pointlessly inconsiderate or something, try to pay attention to more positive comments. I really do wish you happiness.0
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Sorry that you were not happy with the responses. I agree that this is probably not the best venue to ask about relationship advice. That being said, I didn't read all of the responses, but one thing in your original post stuck out to me as a red flag - your BF says he won't marry you until you "are nicer" --- I'm sorry, but what kind of person says that to another person that they are supposed to be in love with? If I were you, I would think twice about marrying him. You also *admit* that you nag and complain, etc, and I suspect that this is because this is what he tells you. This sounds like very controlling/abusive behavior and if I were you I would think long and hard about whether you want to be involved in this kind of relationship, especially since you have a child. You should be proud of who you are and you should be loved because of who you are, not what someone else thinks you should be.
I wish you the best of luck, whatever you decide to do.0 -
Its hard for any of us to judge your relationship, but my opinion is that maybe you two need to work on communication. I would advise not to give him an ultimatum, its scary and very off putting. I dont believe you will get the response you want. Talking with him calmly about you feelings and truly trying to improve your attitude will help as well. Relationships, I believe, are a comprimise. It is team work, a shared effort.
Also, maybe some careful reflection on how YOU feel and WHY you wish to be married might help. Is it your boyfriend that you want to marry, or the concept of being married?0 -
Lol, ummm I guess because I'm extremely OCD with cleaning and tend to complain a lot. I'm trying to not complain so much, or nag, but I can't always be ms sunshine. And yeah I heard that saying plenty...however, after a divorce, ya tend to want to live together first, then marry....
This is why he doesnt want to marry you.
I don't think any of us know why he doesn't want to marry you - he may not want to marry anyone, may not want it right now, who knows. But the fact is, you should move on. From this guy's perspective, yes, you are spinning your wheels. You won't change him, and you shouldn't try. You both just want different things, and right now it's only working for one of you. Do what's best for you, and change your situation so you're ready for the right guy when he comes along.0 -
lol maybe it's just me, but I believe with your last post.. we really did get to the root of the problem.0
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lol maybe it's just me, but I believe with your last post.. we really did get to the root of the problem.
Yeah I'm sure ya did,, please enlighten me sweet cheeks. And to that other girl that responded, I don't judge this site based on some people's opinions, it's all good. Everyone is entitled to one, like I said I wouldn't have asked if I didn't want to hear, the good the bad and the ugly! and I'm not unhappy with the responses, for the most part, I agree with the majority of the responses.0 -
I have been with the same guy for almost four years, and living together for one. I am ready to get married and have a child ( I'm divorced with a five yr old)...he knows how I feel, but says he doesnt want a time clock, and until I'm nicer there's no way hes rushing down the aisle. I understand but I don't want to be spinning my wheels forever. And I hardly think four years is rushing..when is it time for an ultimatum, or is that a bad idea?? Thoughts, appreciated
He gave you an ultimatum.
I'd dump him.0 -
lol maybe it's just me, but I believe with your last post.. we really did get to the root of the problem.
Yeah I'm sure ya did,, please enlighten me sweet cheeks. And to that other girl that responded, I don't judge this site based on some people's opinions, it's all good. Everyone is entitled to one, like I said I wouldn't have asked if I didn't want to hear, the good the bad and the ugly! and I'm not unhappy with the responses, for the most part, I agree with the majority of the responses.
ok. good. It just seemed to me that you asked for opinions and perhaps were a bit combative, upset when you didn't see what you wanted. And I know when you act that way in a relationship often it can aid the demise.
4 years is a very long time, and there is a child involved. I truly hope the two of you can work through it.0 -
If he doesn't want to marry you, it's not because he feels rushed (4 years ... hello!), and it's not because you aren't nice enough (what, you're nice enough to live with but not nice enough to marry? Get serious.).
Assuming he actually believes in the institution of marriage, his hesitation is because he doesn't believe you're "the one." Men are not afraid of commitment; they're afraid of committing to the wrong person. He's probably fine with keeping you around because you're functioning as his wife without binding him to the legal and financial responsibility of being your husband. He can leave at any time with no complications and no repercussions. And he's putting you off by telling you he feels rushed or that you need to be nicer. The fact that you're still hanging around is way nicer than I would be to a guy who said that to me after 4 years.
This is what I been thinking about...the afraid of committing to the wrong person thing...0 -
lol maybe it's just me, but I believe with your last post.. we really did get to the root of the problem.
Yeah I'm sure ya did,, please enlighten me sweet cheeks. And to that other girl that responded, I don't judge this site based on some people's opinions, it's all good. Everyone is entitled to one, like I said I wouldn't have asked if I didn't want to hear, the good the bad and the ugly! and I'm not unhappy with the responses, for the most part, I agree with the majority of the responses.
ok. good. It just seemed to me that you asked for opinions and perhaps were a bit combative, upset when you didn't see what you wanted. And I know when you act that way in a relationship often it can aid the demise.
4 years is a very long time, and there is a child involved. I truly hope the two of you can work through it.
Yes, agreed, one good thing is my son is not his, so if we break up, it would be sad,but I wouldn't have to worry about having to see him etc. but my son has grown attached so that sucks,,. I appreciate the comments, never was being combative, seems some responses were though.0 -
Have you considered couples counseling? Not therapy, as in one or both of you having mental issues that need to be fixed. I'm talking counseling together, to learn how to live together, compromise, communicate, etc.
The key to a successful, happy relationship is communication. It's important to know how to communicate with each other in a way that helps the relationship rather than damages it.
Going to couples counseling doesn't have to mean that you're in a bad relationship. It's also to help committed people learn how to improve and strengthen their relationship. My parents had counseling more than 50 years ago, before they were married, and it helped them both to understand each other better, and learn how to communicate. They were happily married for 47 years (still holding hands) when my father died.0 -
if he's been with you 4 years and, in your son's eyes at least, become a third parental figure, it's really unfair on your son just sever all contact. it might cause him a lot of insecurity, if the people he loves and relies on can just vanish overnight.Yes, agreed, one good thing is my son is not his, so if we break up, it would be sad,but I wouldn't have to worry about having to see him etc. but my son has grown attached so that sucks,,. I appreciate the comments, never was being combative, seems some responses were though.
IF you break up, have a good think about what's best for the boy.0 -
Oh my!! I will never, never ask for advice on here again. I should know better, just wanted unbiased thoughts, boy did I get them! Calvert, you have the best responses, and see both sides, thanks for taking the time to give advice. @ snoopy, it means he's more carefree, he would a child at some point, but not a special time frame. I appreciate opinions, but ya know what they say about those...
I try to always be fair and unbias. People can give advise all the want and if its bad advise and it turns out to be a big mistake, they wont live you life, you will be the one living it and dealing with what happened. I just think there was just too much focus on time which im sorry 4 years is nothing compared to the rest off your life, you being pretty, and you being a women which many thinks your entitled to the world just because you are a pretty woman.
Directed to the women who are mad at him saying for her to change or he wont marry her not @charelg. I see alot of women are mad cause he doesnt want to be fussed nagged at. Women seriously. do you really think men like it? Im sorry but I would not marry a anyone who did that to me, does it make me a bad person? No, it just means I dont like being nagged at. Trust me, I did it before and it takes a toll on people and then they leave. I know so many who say yeah i nagg all the time but he loves me, keep it up and he will leave your butt. Replacing a guy is not always the right answer mostly when there is an attached son..
Also, guys, she is scared, she has commited to the wrong man before, her son loves this guy, and she loves this guy. This is not a simple and easy situation, it involves people getting hurt. She deserves a better response than leave him cause you are pretty or its been 4 years. Its going to suck if she leaves him and yes it may not be fair to her son but unfortunately it will never be fair to her son until she finds a great guy who stays around and it seems this guy is staying around.
Fact is, no matter if she dates him or moves on no matter what, there are never any contracts so its important that she is careful. Look at the married people on here. I think she she should stay with him as long as both are willing to work on things, get counseling, and meet those goals to insure a healthy marriage.
They never really listened to you instead, they just focused on time, gender, and your looks and gave a answer instead of listening to what the problem was and what solution you were aiming for. Attacking a guy that dont know anything about wasnt cool either.
In my opinion, you could sit down with him, make a plan and map it out with goals, counseling, timeline, and other things to change the relationship to the point where both of you are happy and if you both meet the gaols and then he still wont marry you, then have another talk with him and make a decision. You already spent 4 years with him, what alittle more time to fix things gonna hurt. If he doesnt commit to the plan or marry you after the goals are met, well then it time, God bless you and your son, I wish you both all the luck in the world.0 -
Yeah, if it's meant to be it will be, willing to give it my all and if it doesn't work then I know I tried. On another note, my son has a great dad that is very involved in his life as well, just because we didn't work out doesn't make him a bad person, just glad he is there for my son...0
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Yeah, if it's meant to be it will be, willing to give it my all and if it doesn't work then I know I tried. On another note, my son has a great dad that is very involved in his life as well, just because we didn't work out doesn't make him a bad person, just glad he is there for my son...
That is what I am talking about. Most people think cause a relationship doesnt work out that the guy is a piece of crap. Sometimes things just dont work out between two great people. Im glad he is there for him. That is really cool.0 -
Yeah, if it's meant to be it will be, willing to give it my all and if it doesn't work then I know I tried. On another note, my son has a great dad that is very involved in his life as well, just because we didn't work out doesn't make him a bad person, just glad he is there for my son...
That is what I am talking about. Most people think cause a relationship doesnt work out that the guy is a piece of crap. Sometimes things just dont work out between two great people. Im glad he is there for him. That is really cool.
agreed. this is great. so u dont have to worry about finding him a father figure cuz he has one. i'm not saying to be picky but be sure that u want to marry this guy before u jump in
i think a lot of times women fall in love and think thats all it takes to make a relationship work. maybe i'm just sappy like that. but in my last relationship i realized that sometimes love is not enough to keep two ppl together.
but in general if he's a good guy, makes u happy, and u guys have talked about marriage and kids, go for it 0 -
Oh honey. If he's telling you that he's not going to marry you "until you're nicer"... That is an excuse, he doesn't want to commit.
Why are you letting him put everything on you? If a man is in love with a woman, she doesn't have to prove herself in order for him to want to commit to her. I'm sure he's perfect and the only problem you two ever have is that you aren't "nice" enough.
Agree with this.0 -
If you are living together and have been in a relationship for 4 years, what difference does it make when you get married? I agree that 4 years is a while, but will being married really make your life any better?
OP, you remind me of my ex-girlfriend. She was a good person, just a bit OCD and had to constantly complain about something. Mainly she complained about not being married. I can't count the number of times I tried to explain to her that if she chilled the hell out, and stopped picking fights with me about every little thing then maybe I would have been more open to getting married. She never got it.0 -
Yeah, if it's meant to be it will be, willing to give it my all and if it doesn't work then I know I tried. On another note, my son has a great dad that is very involved in his life as well, just because we didn't work out doesn't make him a bad person, just glad he is there for my son...
That is what I am talking about. Most people think cause a relationship doesnt work out that the guy is a piece of crap. Sometimes things just dont work out between two great people. Im glad he is there for him. That is really cool.
agreed. this is great. so u dont have to worry about finding him a father figure cuz he has one. i'm not saying to be picky but be sure that u want to marry this guy before u jump in
i think a lot of times women fall in love and think thats all it takes to make a relationship work. maybe i'm just sappy like that. but in my last relationship i realized that sometimes love is not enough to keep two ppl together.
but in general if he's a good guy, makes u happy, and u guys have talked about marriage and kids, go for it
Agreed, sometimes it isnt enough. For me though, I would never give up fighting for love. You know in the old days when a knight would go against the odds in battle to save the one he loves. Ok that doesnt work, I can even ride a horse, I so would fall off and that armor is way too heavy, ill just shut up now.0 -
Yeah, if it's meant to be it will be, willing to give it my all and if it doesn't work then I know I tried. On another note, my son has a great dad that is very involved in his life as well, just because we didn't work out doesn't make him a bad person, just glad he is there for my son...
That is what I am talking about. Most people think cause a relationship doesnt work out that the guy is a piece of crap. Sometimes things just dont work out between two great people. Im glad he is there for him. That is really cool.
agreed. this is great. so u dont have to worry about finding him a father figure cuz he has one. i'm not saying to be picky but be sure that u want to marry this guy before u jump in
i think a lot of times women fall in love and think thats all it takes to make a relationship work. maybe i'm just sappy like that. but in my last relationship i realized that sometimes love is not enough to keep two ppl together.
but in general if he's a good guy, makes u happy, and u guys have talked about marriage and kids, go for it
Agreed, sometimes it isnt enough. For me though, I would never give up fighting for love. You know in the old days when a knight would go against the odds in battle to save the one he loves. Ok that doesnt work, I can even ride a horse, I so would fall off and that armor is way too heavy, ill just shut up now.
unfortunately guys like that are far and few in between.0 -
If you are living together and have been in a relationship for 4 years, what difference does it make when you get married? I agree that 4 years is a while, but will being married really make your life any better?
OP, you remind me of my ex-girlfriend. She was a good person, just a bit OCD and had to constantly complain about something. Mainly she complained about not being married. I can't count the number of times I tried to explain to her that if she chilled the hell out, and stopped picking fights with me about every little thing then maybe I would have been more open to getting married. She never got it.
It reminds me of an ex as well. Thats what most of the women on here dont get. Im not talking about the original poster but I am talking about most women ive dated. It sucks to be fussed at all the time, put down, and constantly be in fights that are just stupid. There are way more important things in life to worry about than if something is put on one shelf down from where she wants it. I think what it is, alot of women dont have hobbies so they just think of things they want done and as soon as we get hime, bam, they let us have it and all we want to do is sit down, relax, and have a beer because we are tired from work or had a bad day. Work, kids, and fussy woman can really drain a person.
These women are not bad people at all, in fact they are good women but I dont think they realize how much the fussiness drains us and they just ignore it and say "he loves me and will put up with it" and then they are shocked when we leave them or dont marry them or they just forgot how to have fun with us. If there is an inner lining problem then they fail to talk to us about it, they talk to their friends and think we should know what it is, we can read minds, trust me if we could, well, we would prolly be confused still. lol. We have been telling them the whole time, calm down and dont sweat the small stuff, it will be ok, I promise. Women, we dont like it. Why can they understand this? Fighting over things like the soap fell out and in in the tub is stupid to fight over. Im sure all my exes are giving all their men hell as im writing this. Like I said this was not directed to the OP, towards some of the others on here.0 -
I think Calvert pretty much nailed it.
It's a pretty old concept as well.
Proverbs 25:24
Better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife.0 -
Lol.0
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I think Calvert pretty much nailed it.
It's a pretty old concept as well.
Proverbs 25:24
Better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife.
I like that quote0 -
The best relationship advice is, don't go on the internet looking for relationship advice.0
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