Relationship advice
Replies
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? I know i have a llittle anxiety, and slight OCD, but thought I had it pretty under control without relying on some pill or whatever. All these posts are just bringing me down now.
Therapy? I mean, I guess everyone could use a therapist at times, but no I have never been. Not ignoring any advice, if I didn't want to hear anything negative, wouldnt have asked, just saying there's a way to say things, without the rudeness, but I guess some can't help it...have you considered that perhaps you should get some therapy? having meantal/emotional issues isn't a case of 'trying to be nicer', it's a big deal that usually needs a little professional help. and this isn't just about your man, because your child is seeing how you treat your partner and building a skewed idea of what a relationship should be.
thinking the answer is simply trying not to act on the resentment is foolish. you need help to dig deep, find the root cause of resentment and deal with it. do you want to spend your life pretending to be happy with a situation or do you want to learn how to relax and be happy?
the rude people are making some very good points. don't ignore them just because the wording offends.
As you say, most people could benefit from therapy at some point in their life. It's not an insult to suggest that you may benefit from an assessment to find out if you are one of them. You sound like a nice person. It's quite possible from what you have written to infer that not having everything in it's place causes you a high degree of anxiety, to the degree that makes it difficult for people to live with you. There is a possibility that you may have OCD which is under-diagnosed. Many, many people have it to a mild/moderate degree and lead perfectly ordinary lives but struggle a great deal with problems like this. There is effective treatment which for mild cases can take as little as 10 weeks. If this is what is behind your problem, you may struggle to change your current behaviour on your own.
If you decide to check this out then look for a national register of qualified cognitive behavioural therapists or ask your doctor to recommend someone. The way I see it, if you go and find out your not affected, you have lost little, whereas if you don't and you are, you may lose your chance at happiness with someone you love. That's a very unequal equation, please don't let the stigma of mental illness prevent you from taking every opportunity to be happy. Good luck :flowerforyou:
Oh I'm really sorry my reply made you feel so bad :frown: I'll clarify what I meant and then I'll not post again, my intention was to help, not to upset you.
I wasn't suggesting you had a serious illness, or that you needed medication. Clearly that is not the case and you would know it if it was. People who are mildly affected by anxiety problems benefit from help too - the criteria used is whether the problem is having an impact on their day to day lives. I can't tell you the number of people who feel that they are "a bit OCD" who decide they want some help with it and it turns out they are "a bit OCD" or have some other difficulties with anxiety. The things is, if you are anxious when things don't go to plan, or are not as you would expect, then everything in your body is telling you to react to remove the source of that anxiety. It's really hard not too. A number of things can be behind such anxieties, most commonly perfectionism and/or intolerance of uncertainty.
There are simple things that can be worked on in a few sessions of therapy - no pills - just ways of thinking and acting and how those help or don't help, which can make a big difference. In the UK, where I live, some of these basic skills in managing mood are so useful in life that they are now considering teaching them in schools as life skills. Even if you decide it's not for you, I hope this reply helps reassure you that no-one is suggesting that there is anything wrong with you. Most people struggle with problems at some point in their lives. Some can be helped easily with a little of the right type of support, for others there is not much that can be done other than general support. I think it's likely you have the former type of problem. But many people don't get the help and struggle on, leading normal lives and learning as they go along. The choice is yours but either way, I have no doubt that you will learn ways of managing your anxiety and find a path which is right for you :flowerforyou:0 -
andCalvert- agree, thanks. Guess I need to chill out a little..l think,I suck in relationships...
Its not that you suck at it, I think people forget that relationships require work and that we never stop learning about ourselves and the people that we love. I believe in you and think you can fix your relationship. Just promise that you will always communicate with him about your feelings, his feelings, and what can be done to make both of you happy. I think its amazing that you even can look at yourself and say that you can improve on yourself. Most people could never do that. Most always think its everyone that is the problem.
If you love him, never listen to others, never give up, most people quit relationships, marriages, jobs, or any type of commitments way to quick thinking that the grass is greener on the other side, guess what? That grass needs maintenance to grow as well and if you go over there, you will have work hard to keep it growing so might as well stay with the one you love and work it through it.
Also working on you being nicer will improve your outlook on you, relationships with your friends, family, coworkers, and your man and I know you can do it. You are smart and blessed to have everything you have, dont ever let the small things ruin it. If you ever need anything, let me know, ill always be honest with advice instead of just saying how pretty you are, not sure how telling someone how pretty they are answers any of your problems.0 -
Oh my! First thing to consider is that you have a child. Your boyfriend should think about this too, it's not just your life he's trifling with, but that of your child's. Especially with your child being so young, you've been with this guy since your kid was around 1, right? So an attachment to him has been formed. It's more than time for him to step and choose to form a permanent family with you guys rather than just be your boyfriend.
Honestly? It doesn't sound like he wants to marry you. You need to stop wasting your youth and your fertility on a man that just doesn't want something permanent with you. Why bother? You are young and attractive and should have no problem finding a suitable husband you can love and have more children with. As far as current dude, free him so he can go find someone 'nicer'.0 -
Thanks for all your replies. Calvert, you should be a relationship counsellor, good advice. To some of the other replies, I don't want a big wedding,I have already done that, it's more,of the commitment, to me. And I'm not rushing, fours years is pretty long. Maybe I sabotage my relationships...guess I need to just take some time to sort things out in my life...0
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you women are not real princesses. Life is no storybook fairy tail.
we're not??? wth lol.
sorry but whatever man I marry better treat me like one. not because i'm demanding it cuz i deserve it and i will treat him with the same respect.0 -
Agree Nola chick, all women should be treated like a priincss
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I have read through a lot of this thread.
I'm no relationship expert.
But here's how I see things.
@Charel....
I don't think issuing an ultimatum is a good thing. I perceive that ultimatums rarely yield good outcomes.
I also don't think you are ready for marriage, individually or as a couple. That's not to say that the two of you won't be at some point-you may very well be.
You and your boyfriend do need to spend some time together, communicating, expressing feelings, sharing what is on each of your minds. I think if you two do this, things could become freer and easier in your relationship. This could be the cool breeze that makes a hot day more bearable.
Take the time to explore who you are, where you are at and what each of you could improve upon going forward.
I certainly wish the best for you!0 -
Oh honey. If he's telling you that he's not going to marry you "until you're nicer"... That is an excuse, he doesn't want to commit.
Why are you letting him put everything on you? If a man is in love with a woman, she doesn't have to prove herself in order for him to want to commit to her. I'm sure he's perfect and the only problem you two ever have is that you aren't "nice" enough.
This is the impression I get.
4 years? I would have walked away a year ago, and by the end of year two, he would definitely have been on notice that since he doesn't seem marriage inclined, I would feel free to move on to someone else whenever I was inclined. Sorry, but he sounds like he's wasting your time.0 -
i would rather cherish that relationship and keep the chemistry work it's way to what ever it will bring you. as long as your growing together, and loving each other then that's it0
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You look so young. Why have a child. Are you looking to lock him in?0
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Oh honey. If he's telling you that he's not going to marry you "until you're nicer"... That is an excuse, he doesn't want to commit.
Why are you letting him put everything on you? If a man is in love with a woman, she doesn't have to prove herself in order for him to want to commit to her. I'm sure he's perfect and the only problem you two ever have is that you aren't "nice" enough.
^^^ She knows whats up.
Everything isn't supposed to be perfect in every way when you get married. Things are never perfect ever. If he is waiting for perfection, he will wait forever.0 -
You look so young. Why have a child. Are you looking to lock him in?
She said she already has a 5 year old?0 -
You look so young. Why have a child. Are you looking to lock him in?
I'm not that young, but I will take the compliment! No, I have a five yr old son from a previous marriage, definitely not trying to lock him in! If that was the case I'd "accidentally," get pregnant. I'm just ready for another one in the future, geeezzzzz.0 -
Just one other thing...I have anxiety issues and I do have OCD. With behavior modifications and meds, I've been helped a lot. So I say this sincerely. Having a baby...increased my anxiety which in turn exacerbated my behaviors. So...just a thought...he may be concerned that it will get worse. Plus I note that you've said that he wants to get married but is he on board with having a child?0
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only ever make an ultimatum if you are 100% prepared to follow through if it doesn't go your way. don't do it as a bargaining chip, only if you realistically only see those as your two options, as in 'if you can't marry me, I can't stay'....don't ever try to bluff your way though one!!
good advice0 -
I honestly wish you the best of luck in your relationship and hope it all works out for you! I'm not going to comment on your relationship, but rather share with you an observation from my own marriage. I am not a Pollyanna...and have a tendency to nag and complain as well. However, I was able to change my own behavior by having an epiphany of sorts. I nag and complain about little stuff, when I am actually bothered by something that is not even related. Does that make sense? For example...I start *****ing about the crumbs on the table; the way the socks are on the floor; the milk is almost out; the dog didn't get fed...etc...BUT what I am really upset about is that for the last five days I have been working, but my husband had the last two days off and didn't do anything to help out. So I have learned to 1) Make sure I am communicating my wants and needs fully because my husband can't read my mind and 2) If something is bothering me, I talk about it by using the "when you ___, it made me feel ___." I also try very hard to not ever disrespect my husband when I am upset (no name calling!) Nagging is a complete waste of energy and it is exhausting to listen to. You also need to pick your battles...I know with OCD that can be hard, because everything seems like a huge priority...but in reality, there are some things that are not that important.
Best of luck to you!0 -
Yeah, he would like a child...he's more carefree then m e, guess I'm more of a planner...0
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I honestly wish you the best of luck in your relationship and hope it all works out for you! I'm not going to comment on your relationship, but rather share with you an observation from my own marriage. I am not a Pollyanna...and have a tendency to nag and complain as well. However, I was able to change my own behavior by having an epiphany of sorts. I nag and complain about little stuff, when I am actually bothered by something that is not even related. Does that make sense? For example...I start *****ing about the crumbs on the table; the way the socks are on the floor; the milk is almost out; the dog didn't get fed...etc...BUT what I am really upset about is that for the last five days I have been working, but my husband had the last two days off and didn't do anything to help out. So I have learned to 1) Make sure I am communicating my wants and needs fully because my husband can't read my mind and 2) If something is bothering me, I talk about it by using the "when you ___, it made me feel ___." I also try very hard to not ever disrespect my husband when I am upset (no name calling!) Nagging is a complete waste of energy and it is exhausting to listen to. You also need to pick your battles...I know with OCD that can be hard, because everything seems like a huge priority...but in reality, there are some things that are not that important.
Best of luck to you!
I used to do stuff like that, too. Sometimes I was just afraid that bringing up the big stuff would bring on that big, final, breakup fight. Now I say heck with it. I'll tell a man flat out what I want. And it's really only one of two things. Marriage, or FWB.
If he doesn't want what I want, I'm not spending a bit of my energy or time on him. As my last boyfriend found out. He wanted me to make all kinds of changes in my life and personality, and I know he wasn't happy about my weight gain, but after 3 years together and no ring (two at that point), he was just an FWB, so he had zero say in my life.
It was the best realization I ever had in my life. I couldn't make him marry me, nor would I want a man I had to 'make' marry me, I want someone who wants to marry me with his whole heart, and he didn't. But I still took all the power back and all the control over my life.0 -
Just my opinion..... marrage is hard enough with everything that life throws at you. Work on being the best person you can be. Maybe set a future date to just have the next talk about marrage and both of you promise to work hard to fix your issues before that date. I don't believe either one of you are ready for the "happy ever after" thing. Good luck to you guys! :drinker:0
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He's getting what he wants, so why should he get married?
It makes no sense at all.
He's a single guy who receives all the benefits of a real relationship with zero responsibilities.
My advice? Demand marriage, and if he balks, DUMP HIM.
And next potential Mr "Right" should not get the milk for free if your intention is to sell the cow.
That's not how it works - even in 2012.
Good Luck.0 -
How do you know he has no resposibilties in our relationship? Because he has plenty..helps around the house, helps a lot with money, my son, etc etc. it's like we are married with out being officially married. I have a time limit, and it's coming up, but I will stop talking about it so much and just be me and if when I feel it's time, then the choice is up to him...0
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Therapy isn't a bad thing. You seem to have issues about yourself you need to settle before moving ahead with the trust issues, OCD, and niceness. Resolve those problems before getting married cause the marriage would start off better if you did. I get it, you're the logical one and he's the care free one. Same with me and my husband.0
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I have read through a lot of this thread.
I'm no relationship expert.
But here's how I see things.
@Charel....
I don't think issuing an ultimatum is a good thing. I perceive that ultimatums rarely yield good outcomes.
I also don't think you are ready for marriage, individually or as a couple. That's not to say that the two of you won't be at some point-you may very well be.
You and your boyfriend do need to spend some time together, communicating, expressing feelings, sharing what is on each of your minds. I think if you two do this, things could become freer and easier in your relationship. This could be the cool breeze that makes a hot day more bearable.
Take the time to explore who you are, where you are at and what each of you could improve upon going forward.
I certainly wish the best for you!
I so agree with you on this. Well said. Im no expert either but I care enough to listen, care, and try to be fair and consider her feelings.
Most on here are just saying that she is beautiful and he should love her for who she is, the good and the bad which agree with. The issue is she is saying that they both have to work on things before he will marry her and whats so wrong with that? Only they truely know what they have to work on. I think she is awesome for admitting that she should work on being nicer and not sweating the small stuff. Most could never do that. Most people just dont believe in working things out and just move on to the next guy. She is telling us that she is in love with him and wants to work it out with him and work.
Everyone else just wants her to move on. This is what all these other people dont get, if she is fussy and not nice cause she is sweating the small stuff then she is going to have the same problem in her next relationship. Either way she is going to have to work on it, why no work on it with the one she loves. Its not as simple as black and white, her man doesnt like the fussiness and the attitude due to sweating the small things, who does? Seriously people, who does? I dont care how hot someone is being fussed at all the time wont keep the relationship healthy.
I have to say, based on what she told me, if I was her man, I would want some changes made too before marriage. Luckily, its very fixable for her. I know to most marriage isnt a big deal but to some it still is and they want it to be done right. I dont know this guy and cant judge him, he might be a loser but I trust in her that she isnt stupid and that she is dating him because he is a great guy and she loves him and wants to spend the rest of her life with him.
People so whats wrong with being scared of getting married when before the issues are worked out? I think its smart to work out the problems before tieing the knot, if most would do this then maybe 1 out of 2 wouldnt end in divorce. Some people are just more cautious and smarter about jumping into something when it still needs work. He obviously loves her and is with her and has been for 4 years so im pretty sure he isnt going anywhere. I think she is amazing, sweet, classy, smart, stunning and a great catch.
People just dont know how to work on anything, its all about the easy road. The easy road is not always the best road. Relationship are work and you never stop growing stronger as a couple. Most on here are just taking her side cause she is pretty or because she is a woman. Im on both of their sides until I have a real reason to not be. Everyone is talking like she has waisted 4 years of her life, no, she was blessed to have had four great years with him so its not waisted and if it doesnt work out then at least she had four great years. She is still young and looks great and will for many years, so she will be ok until she works on her and he works on him and then hopefully they tie the knot.
Starting over can take alot longer because you have to find the guy (which you could go through sooo many losers and it could take years till you find him), spend time with him, then engaged, and the time passes until the date comes and the child planning. It will be quicker to just hang in there. He isnt beating her, or cheating on her so she is ok where she is. There is just too much focus on time and yes and no instead of the two people who are actually in the relationship, only those two truely know whats going on. i want her to do whats best for her and for her to be happy, I listened to some people and listened to them and lost someone great once.
She needs to find her answers for herself by communicating with him, at this point all she is doing is character assassinating him by talking about it. Keep your head up, you will get through this either way, I just hope its the way you truely want. Btw, weighlossforb has a great point, therapy is a good solution and it will help you and in turn will help your current or your next relationship. Im not trying to disrespect anyone's answers, I just want her to get the answers she wants to get what she wants, and maybe therapy is the key. Right now you have two choices, either work on it or force the breakup by giving him the ultimatum and be forced to follow through.0 -
people who feel scared often deal with it by being control freaks. it's a harsh term, i know.I have a time limit, and it's coming up, but I will stop talking about it so much and just be me and if when I feel it's time, then the choice is up to him...
some people try to control their home and keep it in order, some try to control their diet & bodies, some try to control those around them, some try to control life's timetable.
control issues are a coping mechanism, but once they start impacting on your happiness then you need to take a long, hard look at them.
*cereal box psychologist*0 -
Sure....good luck with that. :yawn:How do you know he has no resposibilties in our relationship? Because he has plenty..helps around the house, helps a lot with money, my son, etc etc. it's like we are married with out being officially married. I have a time limit, and it's coming up, but I will stop talking about it so much and just be me and if when I feel it's time, then the choice is up to him...0 -
No offense. But it seems a majority of women would be single with your attitude.
4 years IS a long time, but you do perhaps need to be nicer, and probably need to look into the reasons you aren't.
I suspect it has something to do with your divorce. It's hard to separate new and old loves, and not to project disappointments from old love onto new love. But you have to.0 -
I don't want a big wedding,I have already done that, it's more,of the commitment, to me. And I'm not rushing, fours years is pretty long.
Marriage is just a piece of paper. Commitment is what you have when someone wants to have a permanent relationship with you. However, if you MUST have the marriage, I wouldn't stick around much longer. Find someone who will give you what you want. You just have to weigh what you want and what you have NOW to see if its worth starting over.0 -
Things could always be worse. I've been single for 13 years. I live with a blue & gold macaw...0
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If he doesn't want to marry you, it's not because he feels rushed (4 years ... hello!), and it's not because you aren't nice enough (what, you're nice enough to live with but not nice enough to marry? Get serious.).
Assuming he actually believes in the institution of marriage, his hesitation is because he doesn't believe you're "the one." Men are not afraid of commitment; they're afraid of committing to the wrong person. He's probably fine with keeping you around because you're functioning as his wife without binding him to the legal and financial responsibility of being your husband. He can leave at any time with no complications and no repercussions. And he's putting you off by telling you he feels rushed or that you need to be nicer. The fact that you're still hanging around is way nicer than I would be to a guy who said that to me after 4 years.0 -
I have a friend who was in a similar situation. She gave her boyfriend an ultimatum...now she's single. He won't marry you 'until your nicer'...what an awful thing for a partner to say, even if it is true. It sounds like you two have some relationship issues to deal with...so stop thinking babies and marriage.0
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