Relationship advice
Options
Replies
-
Oh honey. If he's telling you that he's not going to marry you "until you're nicer"... That is an excuse, he doesn't want to commit.
Why are you letting him put everything on you? If a man is in love with a woman, she doesn't have to prove herself in order for him to want to commit to her. I'm sure he's perfect and the only problem you two ever have is that you aren't "nice" enough.
^^^ She knows whats up.
Everything isn't supposed to be perfect in every way when you get married. Things are never perfect ever. If he is waiting for perfection, he will wait forever.0 -
You look so young. Why have a child. Are you looking to lock him in?
She said she already has a 5 year old?0 -
You look so young. Why have a child. Are you looking to lock him in?
I'm not that young, but I will take the compliment! No, I have a five yr old son from a previous marriage, definitely not trying to lock him in! If that was the case I'd "accidentally," get pregnant. I'm just ready for another one in the future, geeezzzzz.0 -
Just one other thing...I have anxiety issues and I do have OCD. With behavior modifications and meds, I've been helped a lot. So I say this sincerely. Having a baby...increased my anxiety which in turn exacerbated my behaviors. So...just a thought...he may be concerned that it will get worse. Plus I note that you've said that he wants to get married but is he on board with having a child?0
-
only ever make an ultimatum if you are 100% prepared to follow through if it doesn't go your way. don't do it as a bargaining chip, only if you realistically only see those as your two options, as in 'if you can't marry me, I can't stay'....don't ever try to bluff your way though one!!
good advice0 -
I honestly wish you the best of luck in your relationship and hope it all works out for you! I'm not going to comment on your relationship, but rather share with you an observation from my own marriage. I am not a Pollyanna...and have a tendency to nag and complain as well. However, I was able to change my own behavior by having an epiphany of sorts. I nag and complain about little stuff, when I am actually bothered by something that is not even related. Does that make sense? For example...I start *****ing about the crumbs on the table; the way the socks are on the floor; the milk is almost out; the dog didn't get fed...etc...BUT what I am really upset about is that for the last five days I have been working, but my husband had the last two days off and didn't do anything to help out. So I have learned to 1) Make sure I am communicating my wants and needs fully because my husband can't read my mind and 2) If something is bothering me, I talk about it by using the "when you ___, it made me feel ___." I also try very hard to not ever disrespect my husband when I am upset (no name calling!) Nagging is a complete waste of energy and it is exhausting to listen to. You also need to pick your battles...I know with OCD that can be hard, because everything seems like a huge priority...but in reality, there are some things that are not that important.
Best of luck to you!0 -
Yeah, he would like a child...he's more carefree then m e, guess I'm more of a planner...0
-
I honestly wish you the best of luck in your relationship and hope it all works out for you! I'm not going to comment on your relationship, but rather share with you an observation from my own marriage. I am not a Pollyanna...and have a tendency to nag and complain as well. However, I was able to change my own behavior by having an epiphany of sorts. I nag and complain about little stuff, when I am actually bothered by something that is not even related. Does that make sense? For example...I start *****ing about the crumbs on the table; the way the socks are on the floor; the milk is almost out; the dog didn't get fed...etc...BUT what I am really upset about is that for the last five days I have been working, but my husband had the last two days off and didn't do anything to help out. So I have learned to 1) Make sure I am communicating my wants and needs fully because my husband can't read my mind and 2) If something is bothering me, I talk about it by using the "when you ___, it made me feel ___." I also try very hard to not ever disrespect my husband when I am upset (no name calling!) Nagging is a complete waste of energy and it is exhausting to listen to. You also need to pick your battles...I know with OCD that can be hard, because everything seems like a huge priority...but in reality, there are some things that are not that important.
Best of luck to you!
I used to do stuff like that, too. Sometimes I was just afraid that bringing up the big stuff would bring on that big, final, breakup fight. Now I say heck with it. I'll tell a man flat out what I want. And it's really only one of two things. Marriage, or FWB.
If he doesn't want what I want, I'm not spending a bit of my energy or time on him. As my last boyfriend found out. He wanted me to make all kinds of changes in my life and personality, and I know he wasn't happy about my weight gain, but after 3 years together and no ring (two at that point), he was just an FWB, so he had zero say in my life.
It was the best realization I ever had in my life. I couldn't make him marry me, nor would I want a man I had to 'make' marry me, I want someone who wants to marry me with his whole heart, and he didn't. But I still took all the power back and all the control over my life.0 -
Just my opinion..... marrage is hard enough with everything that life throws at you. Work on being the best person you can be. Maybe set a future date to just have the next talk about marrage and both of you promise to work hard to fix your issues before that date. I don't believe either one of you are ready for the "happy ever after" thing. Good luck to you guys! :drinker:0
-
He's getting what he wants, so why should he get married?
It makes no sense at all.
He's a single guy who receives all the benefits of a real relationship with zero responsibilities.
My advice? Demand marriage, and if he balks, DUMP HIM.
And next potential Mr "Right" should not get the milk for free if your intention is to sell the cow.
That's not how it works - even in 2012.
Good Luck.0 -
How do you know he has no resposibilties in our relationship? Because he has plenty..helps around the house, helps a lot with money, my son, etc etc. it's like we are married with out being officially married. I have a time limit, and it's coming up, but I will stop talking about it so much and just be me and if when I feel it's time, then the choice is up to him...0
-
Therapy isn't a bad thing. You seem to have issues about yourself you need to settle before moving ahead with the trust issues, OCD, and niceness. Resolve those problems before getting married cause the marriage would start off better if you did. I get it, you're the logical one and he's the care free one. Same with me and my husband.0
-
I have read through a lot of this thread.
I'm no relationship expert.
But here's how I see things.
@Charel....
I don't think issuing an ultimatum is a good thing. I perceive that ultimatums rarely yield good outcomes.
I also don't think you are ready for marriage, individually or as a couple. That's not to say that the two of you won't be at some point-you may very well be.
You and your boyfriend do need to spend some time together, communicating, expressing feelings, sharing what is on each of your minds. I think if you two do this, things could become freer and easier in your relationship. This could be the cool breeze that makes a hot day more bearable.
Take the time to explore who you are, where you are at and what each of you could improve upon going forward.
I certainly wish the best for you!
I so agree with you on this. Well said. Im no expert either but I care enough to listen, care, and try to be fair and consider her feelings.
Most on here are just saying that she is beautiful and he should love her for who she is, the good and the bad which agree with. The issue is she is saying that they both have to work on things before he will marry her and whats so wrong with that? Only they truely know what they have to work on. I think she is awesome for admitting that she should work on being nicer and not sweating the small stuff. Most could never do that. Most people just dont believe in working things out and just move on to the next guy. She is telling us that she is in love with him and wants to work it out with him and work.
Everyone else just wants her to move on. This is what all these other people dont get, if she is fussy and not nice cause she is sweating the small stuff then she is going to have the same problem in her next relationship. Either way she is going to have to work on it, why no work on it with the one she loves. Its not as simple as black and white, her man doesnt like the fussiness and the attitude due to sweating the small things, who does? Seriously people, who does? I dont care how hot someone is being fussed at all the time wont keep the relationship healthy.
I have to say, based on what she told me, if I was her man, I would want some changes made too before marriage. Luckily, its very fixable for her. I know to most marriage isnt a big deal but to some it still is and they want it to be done right. I dont know this guy and cant judge him, he might be a loser but I trust in her that she isnt stupid and that she is dating him because he is a great guy and she loves him and wants to spend the rest of her life with him.
People so whats wrong with being scared of getting married when before the issues are worked out? I think its smart to work out the problems before tieing the knot, if most would do this then maybe 1 out of 2 wouldnt end in divorce. Some people are just more cautious and smarter about jumping into something when it still needs work. He obviously loves her and is with her and has been for 4 years so im pretty sure he isnt going anywhere. I think she is amazing, sweet, classy, smart, stunning and a great catch.
People just dont know how to work on anything, its all about the easy road. The easy road is not always the best road. Relationship are work and you never stop growing stronger as a couple. Most on here are just taking her side cause she is pretty or because she is a woman. Im on both of their sides until I have a real reason to not be. Everyone is talking like she has waisted 4 years of her life, no, she was blessed to have had four great years with him so its not waisted and if it doesnt work out then at least she had four great years. She is still young and looks great and will for many years, so she will be ok until she works on her and he works on him and then hopefully they tie the knot.
Starting over can take alot longer because you have to find the guy (which you could go through sooo many losers and it could take years till you find him), spend time with him, then engaged, and the time passes until the date comes and the child planning. It will be quicker to just hang in there. He isnt beating her, or cheating on her so she is ok where she is. There is just too much focus on time and yes and no instead of the two people who are actually in the relationship, only those two truely know whats going on. i want her to do whats best for her and for her to be happy, I listened to some people and listened to them and lost someone great once.
She needs to find her answers for herself by communicating with him, at this point all she is doing is character assassinating him by talking about it. Keep your head up, you will get through this either way, I just hope its the way you truely want. Btw, weighlossforb has a great point, therapy is a good solution and it will help you and in turn will help your current or your next relationship. Im not trying to disrespect anyone's answers, I just want her to get the answers she wants to get what she wants, and maybe therapy is the key. Right now you have two choices, either work on it or force the breakup by giving him the ultimatum and be forced to follow through.0 -
people who feel scared often deal with it by being control freaks. it's a harsh term, i know.I have a time limit, and it's coming up, but I will stop talking about it so much and just be me and if when I feel it's time, then the choice is up to him...
some people try to control their home and keep it in order, some try to control their diet & bodies, some try to control those around them, some try to control life's timetable.
control issues are a coping mechanism, but once they start impacting on your happiness then you need to take a long, hard look at them.
*cereal box psychologist*0 -
Sure....good luck with that. :yawn:How do you know he has no resposibilties in our relationship? Because he has plenty..helps around the house, helps a lot with money, my son, etc etc. it's like we are married with out being officially married. I have a time limit, and it's coming up, but I will stop talking about it so much and just be me and if when I feel it's time, then the choice is up to him...0 -
No offense. But it seems a majority of women would be single with your attitude.
4 years IS a long time, but you do perhaps need to be nicer, and probably need to look into the reasons you aren't.
I suspect it has something to do with your divorce. It's hard to separate new and old loves, and not to project disappointments from old love onto new love. But you have to.0 -
I don't want a big wedding,I have already done that, it's more,of the commitment, to me. And I'm not rushing, fours years is pretty long.
Marriage is just a piece of paper. Commitment is what you have when someone wants to have a permanent relationship with you. However, if you MUST have the marriage, I wouldn't stick around much longer. Find someone who will give you what you want. You just have to weigh what you want and what you have NOW to see if its worth starting over.0 -
Things could always be worse. I've been single for 13 years. I live with a blue & gold macaw...0
-
If he doesn't want to marry you, it's not because he feels rushed (4 years ... hello!), and it's not because you aren't nice enough (what, you're nice enough to live with but not nice enough to marry? Get serious.).
Assuming he actually believes in the institution of marriage, his hesitation is because he doesn't believe you're "the one." Men are not afraid of commitment; they're afraid of committing to the wrong person. He's probably fine with keeping you around because you're functioning as his wife without binding him to the legal and financial responsibility of being your husband. He can leave at any time with no complications and no repercussions. And he's putting you off by telling you he feels rushed or that you need to be nicer. The fact that you're still hanging around is way nicer than I would be to a guy who said that to me after 4 years.0 -
I have a friend who was in a similar situation. She gave her boyfriend an ultimatum...now she's single. He won't marry you 'until your nicer'...what an awful thing for a partner to say, even if it is true. It sounds like you two have some relationship issues to deal with...so stop thinking babies and marriage.0
Categories
- All Categories
- 1.4M Health, Wellness and Goals
- 392.1K Introduce Yourself
- 43.6K Getting Started
- 259.9K Health and Weight Loss
- 175.7K Food and Nutrition
- 47.4K Recipes
- 232.4K Fitness and Exercise
- 403 Sleep, Mindfulness and Overall Wellness
- 6.4K Goal: Maintaining Weight
- 8.5K Goal: Gaining Weight and Body Building
- 152.8K Motivation and Support
- 7.9K Challenges
- 1.3K Debate Club
- 96.3K Chit-Chat
- 2.5K Fun and Games
- 3.4K MyFitnessPal Information
- 23 News and Announcements
- 1K Feature Suggestions and Ideas
- 2.4K MyFitnessPal Tech Support Questions