Any other single parents deal with this?

MissLuana

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Yeah, but they are some of the baddest chicks I've ever seen. She didn't show up because me having a kid is scaring her off. Said she needs time to think since she really likes me, but doesn't know if she can handle all "this." WTF is "all this?" lol
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There you have it then...it's up to you. Bad chicks with issues or not so bad chicks with maturity...LOL

Good luck to you in whatever you decide. Just be sure not to let the "bad" chicks ruin you with their issues.

MessyLittlePanda

OK. I had a 3 year relationship with a guy with a daughter and some serious baby mama drama. During that period, I joined a stepmum community, and made a lot of friends through that. Some of them stuck it out and are now married to their guys and even have their own kids, but quite a few of us made the decision that it wasn't for us.

These are the main reasons why a lady might be scared to take on a guy with kids, from someone who's been in the stepmother trenches (and am also a stepchild).

Reason Number one: Baby Mama Drama.
If your relationship with the kid's mother is fractious, it's hard for that not to spill over into your partner's life too. Even the most reasonable of ex-wives/girlfriends can turn Tiger Mama when a new partner comes on to the scene, get possessive over the kid, insecure about their role, and start trying to mess around with the contact schedule and lay down rules about what your partner can and can't do with the kid. For example, my ex's ex wife had a particular bug bear around me doing the kid's hair, and insisted that I never touched it. One day kiddo asked me if I'd plait her hair and I did, and she told her mum, and World War 3 broke out. That's something nobody needs in their life.

Number two: Do You Have The Balls?
To stand up to your ex, that is. Because a hell of a lot of single dads don't. Here in the UK, the family courts are fairly toothless, and there are a lot of the type of exes seen in reason number one who use contact as a carrot and a stick to make their ex do what they want, usually in the form of paying more money or providing a free short notice babysitting service when it takes their fancy to go out with the extra money the sap has just paid. My ex would cancel plans we'd made because his ex dropped it on him that he HAD to have their daughter on a particular night when she had hitherto refused contact for weeks. As a consequence, I felt pretty unimportant in his life and like I could just be ditched when the ex clicked her fingers.
Oh yes, and he absolutely refused to call her out on things like shouting abuse at me at the school gate, in case she refused contact because she'd been given a telling off. If you can't draw a line in the sand with the ex and will be held hostage to every sort of s**tty behaviour under the sun, you won't hold down a relationship.

Number three: can you commit?
Guys who have kids and been through a split or divorce have been burnt. If you are dating young women who don't have kids yet, chances are they are still hoping for someone who can commit long term or marry them and maybe have a family. If you're still not over your marriage or relationship breaking down, you won't be that person, and that's another reason why us ladies are wary of single dads. Believe me, I've got friends who waited years for their guy to be ready to commit again or have more children, and they still don't want to because they are still scarred from the first one.

Number Four: Are you a Guilt Parent?
Oh boy, now this one, I can relate to as a stepchild, because I used to play it! Most parents carry divorce guilt, so quite often, they will give into their kiddos far more often than they should do over things because of this. Dads who don't see their kids as often are far more likely to be one of these - commonly known as Disney Dads, who become associated with all things fun and happy and cool, and leave all the drudgery of the homework and the chores and the bedtimes to Mummy. Trust me on this one, Disney Dads do not make good partners, because they usually have no spare money because it's all been spent on the kids, and if they don't have the money to buy the latest whatever, then they'll find it no matter which way (hello, massive credit card bills). And the kids of Disney Dads are the LEAST fun to be around. The Disney Dad may find them charming, but spoilt children who are used to getting everything they want (usually using whining to elicit it) and not having to lift a finger to do anything for themselves are, quite frankly, tiresome brats. Oh, and lets not forget, are you prepared to ensure your children behave respectfully towards your partner? Because if you're not prepared to enforce good manners and good behaviour, forget it - she'll be off in a flash. There is nothing unsexier than badly behaved kids, particularly if they are deliberately badly behaved towards you, except a parent who puts up with it and shrugs at you, like "what am I supposed to do?" Man the hell up, is what to do, and be a flipping parent!

Number five: Do you have the space in your life for a partner?
This is one you have to ask yourself, very honestly, before you go looking to smash, date, whatever you want to call it. By space, I mean the emotional head space, as well as time, to give a relationship. Because if you are caught up in fighting court battles with the baby mama, you probably need a lawyer, not a girlfriend. If you're looking to fill the space because you're lonely after your wife left, you want a counsellor, not a girlfriend. If you're struggling to cope with kids on your own, you need an au pair, not a girlfriend. Because developing a relationship will take time and effort, you need to be prepared to put that in. It means getting organised at weekends. Of course you want as much time with your kids as possible, but if you are solely a weekend dad, that's the time you are going to get to date and get to know your potential new partner. So you need to figure out where the quality, adult time for that can happen. And that will be true right throughout the relationship. You will need to make time, as parents in intact families do, for adult time, date nights, even holidays as a couple when the kids are old enough. And not feel guilt about it, no matter how many people may recoil in horror that you are leaving the kids with Grandma for a Saturday night date with your partner and will throw the "But kids come first!" line at you. But when the kids turn teen, they will think their parents and stepparents are pretty uncool to be seen with, however much they love them, and then in a flash, they'll be flying the nest completely, so you need to make sure that your relationship has the solid foundations and investment to carry you through to when the kids have gone and are no longer your main focus. Sure, they come first when they are little, but as they get older, they need to learn that they are not the centre of the universe, and it's healthy for them to have positive role models of loving adult relationships and how they are formed and maintained, so, you ARE putting them first by honouring your relationship and your partner and modelling that behaviour for them. Most of the time, yes, the kids will come first, but you do need to be prepared to set aside some time when your partner is number one, because she's the lady you want to see you through the tough times and be there on the other side. I'm saying that as a stepkid too, because I am grateful for how much my stepmum brought my father back to life, and the good role model of a relationship they gave me after the awful one of my parents failed marriage. My dad managed it so that we were both number ones in his life.

I hope that provides a bit of insight as to why you might get the reactions you do from the ladies when you say you have kids. It's not always because they are immature or selfish, but there are a lot of things that you have to consider when you find out your man has children, and it's a daunting prospect because the rules are different. Taking on someone else's kids, who might not be receptive to you, who might have loyalty conflicts, is hard, hard, hard. And it's tough as a single dad to be able to juggle the pressures of kids, the kids' mother in the background, and a relationship. I have the utmost respect for guys who manage it and manage it well, and it is possible to do, but you need to be prepared to listen, compromise a lot, and be flexible.

Rosa1213

I actually question it when a man is in his thirties and has never been married or had kids (commitment issues?).

Really? Wow, that's pretty interesting. I think that if at 30-ish years old, I met a 30-year-old man who had never been married of had kids, I'd consider him to be an intelligent, focused individual, and I'd like to get to know him. (Unless he turned out to be a total creep, I guess )

I do think that I would be "scared off" by a man who had a child though. At least right now. I'm 20 and I don't consider myself ready to raise a child anytime in the next 10 years. I'd feel inadequate; it's just such a GIGANTIC responsibility.

shelk76

yes, my man at the time was well into me but not my kid, he was mid 30's, never having his own kids. it happens, but the second time round i found someone who loves me and my son ;o)

MIchelleH2027

I didn't when my kids were smaller, but now that they are 13 (girl) and 16 (boy), it seems to be more of a problem. That is too bad because I have two of the most wonderful teenagers. But really I do, as verified from other mom's who have told me that they are jealous at how my kids are and that they still "like" me at this age. Every day I count my lucky stars that I have had it so easy in these teen years so far!

LonLB

I think it's much easier for men than women. For some reason actually being a FATHER is viewed as some miraculous achievement.

When I was single for some odd reason I have a feeling it was viewed as a positive that I had a son by many that I knew/dated/other

chameleon77

When I was single I had it happen to me a couple of times. But, yes, I always mentioned her up front. I figured if they wanted nothing to do with the fact that I had a child, they weren't worth it, because she always comes first.

catshark209

Oh all the time. I actually had one guy that dumped me because I wouldn't leave my son at the drop of a hat to go off with him for the weekend.
I know this because he told me. And that I wasn't raising him to be "a good Marine". He had his own children but apparently he never made an effort to spend time with them.
Another guy never asked about my son, not even out of politeness and I ended up dumping him because he simply was too immature. He had no children.
Personally, if I was ever back in the dating game, I'd only date single fathers with full custody of their kids. That way we're both on the same page.

ladytinkerbell99

You meet somebody, hit it off perfectly, then when they find out you have a kid, it scares them off. It's probably about to happen to me again, but has it happened to you?

^ I get the exact opposite. Men tell me that they cannot date me because I do NOT have children. Even though I have no problem if he has children. :noway:

fitpilatesqueen

That is so silly especially coming from grown ups.
Well you are probable better off and with someone who can appreciate you as you are, you are great and they are missing out of a great woman Their loss.

LaceyCwell

I just recently had my first baby but my husband has three daughters and I never let that change my mind about the way I felt about him. Maybe if they get to know you and then you let them know you have a child it will go a little better for you. Alot of -women- seem to look at a man having kids from a previous relationship as a drag and automatically switch gears when they hear that a single man has kids. So make them warm up to you and then POW!! be like so would you like to meet my daughter/son Lol Good luck!

saralynn594

Yes...its annoying

Cameron_1969

Nope. Never happened.

But, how would they "find out". My kids are at teh top of my list. I mention them within 2 mintues of meeting any person in the world. I couldn't be on a whole date with someone without them knowing within a few mintues. In fact, I wouldn't even be on a date without someone knowing because that would have come up when I met them. So, I 'm not sure how the "them finding out" thing works in your world.

I was thinking the exact same thing. Are they like an STD to you? Keep it secret until you really get to know a person!?

JacquelineD35

You meet somebody, hit it off perfectly, then when they find out you have a kid, it scares them off. It's probably about to happen to me again, but has it happened to you?

Has happened to me once, they guy couldnt understand how I was putting my children before him o_O some people get it others dont.