Food Nazi?

lynda155

I wish my husband was still alive .... I miss him everyday, he was my best friend.... If you dont find him attractive now, 10lbs wont matter.... Be darn happy you have him today... there is no guarantee for tomorrow!

Ayla70

He ate 1100 calories in one supper last week alone.

And how is it that you know his calorie intake to such detail? Are you logging his food? Food Nazi might not begin to describe it.

Was wondering the same...

VanillaBone

Also, @vanillabone I'm being so mean I suppose because she told her husband she's not attracted to him. Another woman said it, if it was her husband telling her that she was unattractive because of her weight the other girls would say oh he's a jerk, leave him, ect. So why can't the same thing apply to her? Never in my entire life would I even dream of telling my fiance he was unattractive, EVER. That's something that you don't do. Sure you can make suggestions about eating better, or working out together. My fiance and I lift together, weighin together, and eat healthy together, but I would have major resentment towards him if he just looked at me and told me I was unattractive then tried to bribe me with sex acts.

My point was, that if she had phrased her post differently, people would be accusing her husband of being a jerk, etc. I think we agree on that.
As far as telling someone they're not attractive, well, maybe it's something you don't do...But that doesn't mean that no relationship anywhere, ever could withstand it. Some people are motivated by painful truths. I have a relationship like that; sometimes the honesty hurts, but it's needed.

Chrystibel

I agree. I gained 50lbs since meeting my SO and he always tells me how beautiful I am. Weight was never an issue. When I decided I wanted to change for MYSELF, he was nothing but supportive and made it clear that he loved me no matter what. That actually made me stronger and has helped keep me going. If he was tearing me down all the time and telling me how he didn't think I was attractive anymore, I'd be beating myself up over it and it would cause major issues in our relationship. In fact, I'd probably dump him for that.

My advice to you, OP, is to stop tearing your husband down before you lose him. Like someone else mentioned here, you agreed to be there for him through thick and thin. So do it. And if you honestly aren't attracted to your SO anymore and simply can't get past his weight, that's a damn shame and you both should see a counselor before you wreck your marriage over something silly.

^^this, sounds like you have many problems other than his last 10lbs.

Pimpmonkey

My husband always talked about how he would like to lose some weight, get rid of his belly, he even bought a Bowflex! I thought I was being nothing but supportive towards him. He needs motivation with anything, so we came up with some great mini bets- eg. bench "x" weight- get a BJ, lol, bank 3 workouts- get a BJ, and the big prize was when he gets to his goal weight of 170lbs (he only needs to lose 10lbs) he'd get one whole week of whatever he wants sexually, whenever he wants! We both win!

Now I love this man but I have told him that I don't find him sexually attractive at the weight he's at. I was honest. I am attracted to him, I love his insides but I don't exactly have the urge to rip off his clothes and ravage him. We are intimate and still have fun, but that sexual passion is lacking for me. We keep referring to his goal weight as "spoons on the floor" weight. Meaning, we can be in the kitchen washing and drying dishes, then next thing ya know is the spoons are on the floor and we are getting busy! lol

Ummmm, if you were a Dude and you had said this to your old lady, you would be slammed from forum to forum. You need to stop and think how you would feel if at 7lbs away from your goal weight hubby told you "sorry, you're too fat, I'm not attracted to you anymore" Cause you are probably making him feel like total ****e!

AndiJoy812

My husband is the heaviest he has ever been - and I am concerned for his health and I have shared that with him. But, I still think he is the most handsome, amazing man on this planet and he still rocks my socks off. Maybe it is because I love who he is, and not what he looks like.

Your husband is a grown man and he knows the consequences of his actions. He does not need you being a nag or a food Nazi. Do you think that part of his behavior may be a tad passive-aggressive? The only person you can control is you. Trying to control someone else makes for a miserable living situation. Let it go, sweetie. Use loving, encouraging words and lots of positive feedback. Lift him up, don't tear him down. He will just end up resenting you.

photokenzie

First off- I'd like to say that I don't think you are a terrible/unsupportive/Nazi spouse or any of that crap. You've worked your butt off -literally- to achieve your goals and I understand that you'd want your husband to jump on the bandwagon. Hotter sex? Heck yes. More confidence? Duh! Why would he resist putting in the effort to achieve such worthwhile goals?

I think the issue here is that he may view this as a competition - one that you've already won by loosing weight, while he's only seemed to pack it on. Of course he is going to feel a little down, maybe even jealous, maybe even pissed off because he's been in the same rut while you put in the effort and got results.

Men don't get verbal assurance from other men, like girls do from other girls. I mean, when was the last time you heard one guy compliment another on his shirt? (Ummmm.....try never) They need women to prop them up in moments of weakness, and although your heart was in the right place by being honest with your partner, he probably saw it as you kicking him while he's down....and that makes for a no-win situation for both of you.

What I would do in your situation is encourage him to work out with friends or join a sports team/gym class/hiking group...whatever floats his boat! That way, he'll be competing against other guys, venting his aggression/frustrations in a healthy way, and come home a happier person. All that friendly macho teasing between the guys could even come in handy - maybe they can give it to him straight and provide the motivation he needs to shape up. That way, you get out of having to nag him and can concentrate on embracing the role of his supporter - being the person that notices and gives compliments on the little improvements. Plus, being someone's cheerleader is much more fun!

I'm no relationship expert, but I have a feeling that you can find a solution to your dilemma without forking over the big bucks for professional help. You already found each other -perfect package or not- and that's a d*** hard thing to do in this day an age! Best of luck to you.

Cristofori44

The *kitten*-for-benchpress deal is truly disturbing.

Would not stick around for that. I'm 20-30 pounds over, with some belly fat, and there are plenty of women willing to oblige without making me rollover for Snausages.

Unreal.

devil_in_a_blue_dress

Um... you do realize that in a marriage or any long term relationships the sexual aspect will ebb and flow, right?

I love my husband, I am very physically attracted to him -- but I can go a while without having that "I MUST RIP HIS CLOTHES OFF" feeling. That's ME. Not him.

Why would you give a man you say you love a hard time over 10 freaking pounds? On somebody over 5'5-5'8, that isn't going to be a huge difference. Unless you expect him to lose 10 pounds from his gut which isn't realistic since you can't spot reduce fat.

If my husband stopped being attracted to me so much so that he openly admitted it and then tried to blame it entirely on my weight -- unless I'd gained oh, 75-100 pounds (or a number that made me look sustainability different), I would tell him to STFU and think I'd married a superficial jerk. I'm not saying that physical attraction isn't important, it is. But I think you have to remember it goes both ways. You don't like how he looks, he doesn't like how you are acting. In my book, treating somebody you claim to love poorly over how they look is a much worse offense than somebody gaining weight.

You all need to get to couple's therapy.

jean1058

I wish my husband was still alive .... I miss him everyday, he was my best friend.... If you dont find him attractive now, 10lbs wont matter.... Be darn happy you have him today... there is no guarantee for tomorrow!

AMEN SISTER!

My husband has emphysema. While you are worried about if your husband will be at a weight that is "attractive" to you, I am worried that my husband is at a HEALTHY weight. He lost 60 lbs in 3 months and was practically a skeleton. Weight should not be the thing that attracts you to him anyhow.
Love him and enjoy his company NO MATTER WHAT he weighs. Like the above poster mentioned, there is NO guarantee how long you will have with him.

TillyGuernsey

"Dropping the spoons" tends to happen a lot less once you have children, given a bed and a free hour most couple in the first year or 2 can find a better use for them than sex :laugh:

BMI is a nonsense.
Show me a Rugby (or football for those on the other side of the pond) player who's BMI would not suggest he was obese or morbidly obese.
At 5'5 and 210lbs your husband would have been bigger than was ideal and I understand your not wanting him to go back there. BUT 180 at 40 and 5'5 isn't bad at all. It's a weight at which you might want to come down a bit more but at which you'd probably feel you could relax a bit every now and then.

Which it sounds as though your husband has done, At 10 lbs off goal, he is probably closer to goal weight than you are at 7lbs off it. How would you feel if he was telling you these things?

The meal you describe as 1100 calories. Was this a party/ celebration? If so then I'm aghast that you think it's ok to criticise what he ate, even if he had asked you to do so on a normal day to day basis.
If not then I am aghast that this was food that was available in a household where you are trying to eat healthily. Who were the additional burgers, hot dogs and sides cooked for? Who placed this temptation in his way?

Seriously, if your aim is healthy lives and a healthy marriage then this is decidedly not the way to go about either. Whoever suggested that counselling would be a good idea is spot on.

jlbay

I would never say (I'm not attracted to you at this weight) to my husband, and if he said something like that to me, I would be devastated.

We've both gained weight since getting married, but I've been the one trying to get back "on track."

I cook healthy food, talk to my husband about my weight/health goals and try to get him to support me. We play on a sport team together, and I encourage him to play sports when he has the chance. I've expressed my concern that we're both getting older and that I think we should both take better care of our bodies so we can continue to enjoy life and do the things we want.

But, I know I'm still overweight. I know I need to be more consistent and stop going up and down the scale. I know the health risks and how to solve it - I certainly don't need someone else to tell me what to do. So, I figure, neither does my husband.

I love my husband - I want him to be healthy and happy. Period. His weight hasn't made a difference in my attraction to him. I'm not sure what could, actually. I love who he is (which is what makes me attracted to him), not what he looks like.

Your husband's a grown man. You can't change another person, you can't make them want or prioritize what you want. If you are changing your lifestyle, and offering support when *asked* for it, then that is all you can do. That's it. Trying to bribe or shame someone into doing what you want can be a very destructive thing to do in an intimate relationship - it will most likely backfire on you.

If I REALLY didn't feel attracted to my husband anymore, no matter his weight or age, I'd be concerned about our relationship. I'd be questioning our relationship. I'd be headed for some marriage counseling.

chezileigh

Have you realised that it's not just him who is looking older as the years have gone by? It's everyone really. That's what years will do for a person. Perhaps you're only just getting to a point where you're realising the significance of the age gap?

I don't really think the type of honesty you've given him is something most people could cope with, or should have to cope with within a marriage. Marriage is for better and for worse, and in my humble opinion, you're just not in love with someone if this is something you feel the need to say to them.

chezileigh

The *kitten*-for-benchpress deal is truly disturbing.

Would not stick around for that. I'm 20-30 pounds over, with some belly fat, and there are plenty of women willing to oblige without making me rollover for Snausages.

Unreal.

Totally agree with this too, if there are conditions on you giving love and affection to your husband, chances are he'll find that elsewhere, and being a 40 year old with 10 - 30lbs of extra weight is not going to stop someone else from giving that to him.

Shajadea

You need to let him go so someone else can be happy with him, just the way he is. You can't make yourself want him and he can't make you want him. End it and get on with you life. This is a sad story. Life is too short to lead someone on,

supahstar71

I think you've gotten a lot of good feedback, some a little on the harsh side. I don't think you're a bad person...just somewhat misguided.

Attraction is the sum of many factors...not purely physical. My husband is 11 yrs older than me. He's out of shape and could lose a good 20 lbs. but I'm wildly attracted to him! He is the man I fell in love with. He's still beautiful. He is loving, kind, and a great partner. He treats me like a queen. He tells me I'm lovely even when I'm sick. He makes me laugh. His kisses make my toes curl. I'm his wife and I want him to walk this life knowing that I'm proud of who he is. Extra weight does not affect that.

We've been married 10 years. And in that time I've learned that being happy and fulfilled in a relationship does not mean that your partner does things your way. It means that you love each other, flaws and all.

yaddayaddayadda

I too am married to an older man... He is a few pounds more than what I think he should be... He exercises and tries to eat right - not always successfully with eating. That said, the OP is right. The older we get, the more difficult it is to lose weight and have that YOUNG body for which we strive. If you wanted a young body, you should have married a ten year old.

You need to worry about your own weight and be supportive and encouraging to your husband. BTW... sexual attraction changes over the course of a long marriage or relationship. You need to develop your emotional relationship to maintain a strong sexual relationsip. Your problems with your husband have less to do with his weight and more to do with whats in your head.

Get counseling...

iris8pie

Imagine how you would feel if the shoe was on the other foot...

StrawberrySprinkles

Wow really....I think it's age that bothers you, more than the weight.
You referred to it as making him look older...he is 40.

Put him on here, so i can tell him to kick your selfish shallow *kitten* to the curb!

And for you, OP, to stop using sex as a bribe/a goal to achieve/a weapon.

Sex with someone who loves you does everything for brain, body, spirit, self confidence, and bonding of the relationship. I would never in a million years bargain with my spouse over sex. I'm either going to give it to him or not...and he's either going to give it to me or not. Ideally, we both should want to willingly and unreservedly reciprocate. Otherwise, it's pure and simple black mail.

I certainly wouldn't want my partner in all things crime related to tell me that he isn't going to make love to me (because that's what it should be!) because I ate a little over or I didn't reach the full 1 or 2 pounds for that week.

supahstar71

:noway: i can't believe I missed the bj part. Yikes. Really? Um...wow. :noway: