overweight and relationships

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1235789

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  • KettleBellHoe
    KettleBellHoe Posts: 161
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    straight up abusive and if he knew anything abotu fitness he would never ever fkn say that **** especially eat once a day.fuk him. i know you been together a long time but that **** is toxic.
  • Owlie45
    Owlie45 Posts: 806 Member
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    If I had a husband and he talked to me in that way it would be over.
  • heather_huggins
    heather_huggins Posts: 194 Member
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    Sounds like your husband is verbally, mentally and emotionally abusive. What he says is hurtful, and no one deserves to be treated that way. If he loves you, he should love you regardless of your weight. Sure, he wants you to be healthy, but there are better ways of going about it than how he is treating you. Personally, I know what it's like being in a relationship like that. It's hard. But you deserve better, you are beautiful. And you need to know that. So, I would definitely speak up. And if he doesn't listen, then you tried. And I say if it fails, then it's time to break away from that and find someone better. I know it's a marriage, it's a lot more than just a "boyfriend" but marriage or not, you should never have to put up with that. So, best of luck dear, hold your head high and stay strong.
  • AmyFett
    AmyFett Posts: 1,607 Member
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    uh why would he say those things? joking or not, that's really rude and hurtful. I would ***** slap my husband if he ever said that to me.
  • bazanime
    bazanime Posts: 5 Member
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    I used to be with a woman that just would not stop abusing me about my weight even though I was trying a diet, but it really depressed me. I left her and moved on, I started working out and went from 21stone to 18stone in 4 months, I'm trim, faster, stronger and happy.

    I say find a way to move on from that hassle. Get a happy life for yourself. Its not easy but its very much possible and worth it.
  • LondonEliza
    LondonEliza Posts: 456 Member
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    Our sex life has dramatically decreased. He says he is just on a porn kick. (sorry TMI). Just need a little advice. Guess I never thought 12lbs would cause suck a riff in our marriage. Sorry for the venting, really dont have anyone to talk to.

    Ehhhh..... "just on a porn kick" !?

    Look, I don;t know you and you do not know me but in my house, this would be not a good enough reason to let your intimate life die in part. He is telling you he has replaced part of your sex life with porn and you accept this? Tell him to KICK the damm porn or he and his tapes can go and shack up somewhere else!
  • chikinatus
    chikinatus Posts: 4 Member
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    keep ur head up girl!
  • rascallycat
    rascallycat Posts: 248 Member
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    Your husband is an @$$hole. True story.



    ^^THIS
  • RhonndaJ
    RhonndaJ Posts: 1,615 Member
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    I'm going to say what I'd say to a friend if they told me the things you've posted here.

    First, your husband's words and actions aside, your description of how you've changed and your family's concerns sounds very much like an abuse victim. Though part of it may be related to depression over the miscarriage. Either way, it's very concerning to me.

    On to your husband.

    Presuming what you've said about him and his behaviour is accurate, it sounds an awful lot like he might be cheating on you. Time away, hiding things, uninterested in sex with you, cutting you down so you won't question him.

    Maybe he's not. There's a chance.

    But whatever is going on, you need to stand up for yourself. You deserve to be treated better, you deserve to be the happy person you used to be. Please try to find ways to get that person. No man is worth losing yourself.
  • nabak147112
    nabak147112 Posts: 105 Member
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    even tho im told i look just fine i still think my weight has a part in why im still single! But my exhusband talked to me bout the same way along with alot more verbal abuse and it. but i wouldnt put up with anybody talking to me that way again. its uncalled for and very hurtful...good luck and hope things improve for you!
  • kdilly
    kdilly Posts: 12
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    That's called verbal abuse and you should not tolerate it. Plus the hiding also makes me think, as others have said, that more than just porn browsing is going on.

    My husband feels exactly the same about me as he did when we met and I was thinner, in fact I'm pretty positive he is more attracted to me and loves me more... not because he digs fat chicks, but because our relationship has grown and deepened. We are both working on losing weight, but even if that weren't the case, he wouldn't make comments like that to me.

    It sounds like you're working on yourself (mentally and physically) and he isn't. I'd think about leaving...
  • Candicimo
    Candicimo Posts: 44 Member
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    That's mental abuse. Seriously.

    If both of you are willing to put in the effort to make your relationship work, I'd seek some intensive marriage counseling because his comments are more than just "joking around". You don't deserve to be treated that way or talked down to.
  • TashaS
    TashaS Posts: 199 Member
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    I am just wondering if anyone has experienced relationship issues that end up about your weight? I mean, I know I shoudl be healthy, thats important. But I sometimes feel like less of a person because of my weight. My husband jokes around sometimes, like "put those oreos back, your supposed to get smaller, not fatter", "maybe I should lock all the food up", "can youtry eating just once a day", "will you ever be skinny", .......................................sounds harsh when I write it out like this. I was a 14/16 when we got together, post miscarriage Im 18/20. I did gain 12lbs. LOL maybe its just me. Our sex life has dramatically decreased. He says he is just on a porn kick. (sorry TMI). Just need a little advice. Guess I never thought 12lbs would cause suck a riff in our marriage. Sorry for the venting, really dont have anyone to talk to.

    Is it possible that the harsh comments (and 'porn kick') are driven more from the miscarriage than the weight gain? A miscarriage is hard on both parties (usually) and perhaps he's afraid of getting you pregnant again just to loose the baby again. I'm not at all trying to excuse them - they are harsh - but speaking as someone who went through fertility issues myself, I found that my husband didn't know how to express or process the emotions caused by that and they ended up being expressed in a totally off-the-wall manner.
  • skimbrough28
    skimbrough28 Posts: 21 Member
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    I had some of the same issues you are dealing with in a previous relationship. I believe the best thing would be for you to seek some type of counseling for your miscarriage which affects how you feel about yourself as a woman, prospective mother,etc. Many states have free counseling agencies or places that just take donations. You should also have a "REAL" conversation with your husband about how those comments make you feel, especially since you do desire to eventually get pregnant again, if twelve pounds is bothering your husband, what is a full fledged pregnancy going to do?? (Babies do things to your body not in your control). In addition, if weight is so important to your husband...is that a deal breaker for him?? Marriage is intended to be for better or worse,...I can think of things much worse than you gaining weight.(drugs,cheating,gambling,shopaholic,etc)...The weight won't come off and stay off until its something you want to do for YOURSELF and are motivated to do. He should build you up and support your efforts, maybe even join you...not tear you down. Then you can be sexy for each other in your baby making efforts..you lose 12 pounds and maybe he gets a six pack...its a win win:) Good luck!!
  • ironicusername
    ironicusername Posts: 73
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    Joking about oreos is one thing but telling you that you should eat only once a day and asking if you'll ever get skinny is another thing entirely. Even if it's somewhat jokingly (no one says things like that unless they kinda mean it). Couples poke fun at each other. But when it's just plain insulting there's a problem. I swear if someone were to make comments like that to me, you'd better believe I would not take it lying down. A partner in life is supposed to build you up, not tear you down. He should be concerned with your health and well-being. And you know what? If he was only attracted to you when you were smaller, then maybe he got married for the wrong reasons.

    Seriously, you had a miscarriage. Women tend to take something like that hard and the grief often manifests itself in weight gain. Considering that this is SUPPOSED to be a man who loves you and supports you emotionally, I would think that he should be a little more empathetic. What good are wedding vows if you're not going to take them seriously?

    I say couples therapy or divorce. All I know is I'd never put up with that. If a man doesn't treat me the way I'd expect of my best friend, he doesn't deserve me. Being single isn't all that bad.
  • lyndian_rogers
    lyndian_rogers Posts: 8
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    Sweetheart - he is not respecting you at all. Porn is okay, everyone can and should look, but if he's deleting his history and *hiding his phone* my gut leads me to think there is something more going on.

    Agreed

    I also agree with Jrm

    He is acting like an @$$hole
  • Sasssy69
    Sasssy69 Posts: 547 Member
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    It's easy for everyone to say just dump him. So much easier said than done. However, having said that, staying in a marriage because this is your second one is silly.

    I'm divorced and remarried. I know now what it's like to be truly loved for all that I am. I would never, ever settle for less. If my husband said the crap yours is saying, I would leave. Of course, if your husband is saying this now, I have a feeling he has been saying garbage like this since you guys met. This is abusive behavior - he's using your weight to manipulate and control you by making you feel bad about yourself.

    The porn and hiding the cell phone? Sorry. That sounds sketchy. Something's up there. He sounds just as unhappy as you are- quite possible he's reached out to someone else.

    But wait - don't leave yet. Play along. Get your degree. Line up a job. Then leave. Be sure you are financially independent before you leave. I wish to God that I had kept my teaching job instead of quitting to be a SAHM. When my ex left me, I had no money, no job, and no prospects. It's still incredibly difficult to make ends meet. So unless you can financially support yourself, and you're not too far away from getting your degree, it might be easier to just hang in there for a bit longer, and make a plan.

    And for the love of everything that is pure and holy, do NOT get pregnant again. Damn. You throw a baby into that mess and you can wave goodbye to any possibility of a normal, happy life.
  • Erisad
    Erisad Posts: 1,580
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    My last boyfriend would take food off of my plate and eat it because "girls aren't supposed to eat a full plate." He was a chubby boy himself (I say boy because he broke up with me because his mommy told him to, he was 24 years old at the time) so he had no excuse. :/

    So yeah, it's horrible and do what's best for you. :)
  • kimad
    kimad Posts: 3,010 Member
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    I daydream about my life before my husband. The friends I had on outings with friends. I got asked out all the time. My guy friends always wanted to take me. They would say "your the most fun ever" "this was a great date" etc.

    I was the outgoing one. The fun one. Now, my friends dont even call me anymore. I have moved, a few hours away. We chat via email every so often (once or twice a month). My mom is constantly worried about me. She says I am not who I used to be. Im quiet now, I dont make freinds, I dont go out.

    Sometimes I feel like Im just putting on a show. Acting like its 'all ok'. Im afraid to say Im miserable.

    I have read thru all the posts, and I agree with all of them... this one really struck me and made me sad. You have changed who YOU are becuase of the situation you are in. I am going to leave out all the hurtful things your husband is doing, and say that you need to spend some time alone to rediscover YOU. Once you can do that, and it won't be easy, I think you will realize the relationship you are in isn't healthy or for you..... I think you will then have the confidence to do what I think you know is right deep down inside. Good luck.
  • ironicusername
    ironicusername Posts: 73
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    Also: my mom had 2 very bad marriages. Neither time did she want to get divorced because she took her vows very much to heart. Both times she had good reason to leave and good opportunities. In fact, with the second, she had wonderful career opportunities thrown at her, but she refused them because my father didn't like the idea, and she didn't want a second divorce. So you know what happened? After she had me, he announced that he was leaving her, gave her $50 and plan tickets to get back home to her parents. She lost her opportunities and ended up a single mom on welfare.

    Sometimes it's just best to cut your losses. The worst thing you can do is make life decisions based on fear or not wanting to fail.

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