overweight and relationships

navybrat84

EDIT: After having time to read some more of your posts, I remove my comment. The situation is much worse than you originally let on. You need to get some help and maybe get a divorce. There are more problems than some misplaced comments, and you know it. I watched my mom go through it.

Im sorry, it all just came out at once. I do think we need help, and i do want for my marriage to work. I just think he is unhappy right now, sad maybe, even depressed. He was very sad over the m/c. I know most of you say go, but Im not quit ready to just give up. I will do lots of reading. And i will go to my school and see whats available. I feel its my 'duty' to try everything possible. Maybe he needs to vent, yell, cry, or go to the gym and ponch a bag. idk, I know I love him, I know he says things that hurt my feelings, I know he can be kind, I know he is a hard worker, I know he f**ks up, ............heres my thought about the phone and history, I think it really embarassed him at first. Now I think he doesnt want me to know what he looks at to get off. Which is fine with me. I dont want to know. I dont care for porn personally but i know lots of other ppl do. To each their own I guess. (I feel like yall think Im an idiot. I just want to evaluate every aspect of the situation before I make a choice)


Like I said before, I will have to do some soul searching, and I have to stop making excuses. I get it, I really do.

caraiselite

why are you still married to someone like that? ugh that's abuse.

but... you stick around for it.

starmichie

EDIT: After having time to read some more of your posts, I remove my comment. The situation is much worse than you originally let on. You need to get some help and maybe get a divorce. There are more problems than some misplaced comments, and you know it. I watched my mom go through it.

Im sorry, it all just came out at once. I do think we need help, and i do want for my marriage to work. I just think he is unhappy right now, sad maybe, even depressed. He was very sad over the m/c. I know most of you say go, but Im not quit ready to just give up. I will do lots of reading. And i will go to my school and see whats available. I feel its my 'duty' to try everything possible. Maybe he needs to vent, yell, cry, or go to the gym and ponch a bag. idk, I know I love him, I know he says things that hurt my feelings, I know he can be kind, I know he is a hard worker, I know he f**ks up, ............heres my thought about the phone and history, I think it really embarassed him at first. Now I think he doesnt want me to know what he looks at to get off. Which is fine with me. I dont want to know. I dont care for porn personally but i know lots of other ppl do. To each their own I guess. (I feel like yall think Im an idiot. I just want to evaluate every aspect of the situation before I make a choice)


Like I said before, I will have to do some soul searching, and I have to stop making excuses. I get it, I really do.

Please, just don't be naieve about it...it takes 2 people to mend a relationship...and you 12 lb weight gain is defiantly NOT the problem...it runs much much deeper

navybrat84

This hasnt been going on for our entire relationship. Just the last 4 months, if that. We have been through a lot, Im not excusing his actions, Im just saying I think our marriage is worth trying to save. I talked to my mother and her brother in law is a marriage counseler. An expensive one, but, she is going to invite him over for dinner along with me and husband. So we will see how it goes. Mom and step dad wont stick around for all of it, she will know when to leave. But it wont be in an office, so I hope darrell will open up so we can work on this stuff. Or, If he is unhappy and wants to end it. I just want him to say something.
Call me crazy if you want, but Im going to try and figure out what exactly is going on. I plan to bring up as much as I can. I just want to lay it all out there.

navybrat84

I know its deeper then the 12lb weight gain. I hope at this after dinner 'meeting' he will just let it all out. Whatever it may be. Im preparing myself for anything at this point.

oregonzoo

I know its deeper then the 12lb weight gain. I hope at this after dinner 'meeting' he will just let it all out. Whatever it may be. Im preparing myself for anything at this point.
[/quote
Best of luck. In no way should a spouse ever be treated in that way.

RuthSweetTooth

Eating once a day is the worst thing you can do if you are prediabetic.

Married men live longer, married women live shorter lives. This is because we teach them to be healthier. And they suck our life force, LOL. Just kidding.

Tell him to stuff it !!!!!

You might want to meet with a nutritionist right now and she will set you up. Bring hubster with you too.

Ruth

RuthSweetTooth

There's nothing wrong with getting divorced again. Better than having a baby right now with a man who doesn't worship you and whom you probably love less every day as well. Do not have a baby with him. Your finances are not up to it anyway. Love and marriage is not supposed to be like this. Move back in with your folks!!!

LizHowerton

I noticed the change in him about 4 months ago. He was acting strange, always gone. Hiding the cell phone, deleting history on comp. Finally he said he was erasing the porn from phone and comp. I cant stop him from watching, at first it really hurt. But I guess I block it out now. He used to comment on my hair and makeup, or certain outfits. But not anymore.Now if Im on comp for too loong he says. Are you going to wash dishes, I dont want you to hurt your bakc or anything. Just stupid comments like that.

Is he having an affair? That would be my thoughts with not having sex with you, hiding his phone etc.

navybrat84

thanks ruth, Im going to ask my OB for a referal tomorrow.

kimad

Thank you, I know you guys are right, I am just not ready to admit it. If that makes any sense at all. I hate drama, I cant stand it. I know that is exactly what he is going to be. Oh god, what have I gotten myself into. What a freakin mess!

You aren't ready to admit it just yet becuase you have lost yourself in all of this mess. Like I said earlier (and we are talking about on the side) once you can regain your sense of self you will see what is right and have the courage to do it.

I let my ex abuse me for 9 freaking years... I look back now and although I don't regret my kids for a minute, look at all that precious time I wasted. I am not perfect myself, and I have went on to date and had my faults, but I am reading alot of books, reflecting alot on myself, and working on me. It is definately helping. I will email you!!!

and ps - you haven't gotten yourself into any mess. YOU CAN'T MAKE HIM BE A GOOD PERSON, but you can choose NOT to let him treat you the way he does.

navybrat84

Liz- no I dont think he is having an affair. I think he us just unhappy right now. With me, with everything. I sure hope we can get to the botom of it. Sooner than latter.

navybrat84

I hope this optimism doesnt come back to bit me in th a**

kmm7309

EDIT: After having time to read some more of your posts, I remove my comment. The situation is much worse than you originally let on. You need to get some help and maybe get a divorce. There are more problems than some misplaced comments, and you know it. I watched my mom go through it.

Im sorry, it all just came out at once. I do think we need help, and i do want for my marriage to work. I just think he is unhappy right now, sad maybe, even depressed. He was very sad over the m/c. I know most of you say go, but Im not quit ready to just give up. I will do lots of reading. And i will go to my school and see whats available. I feel its my 'duty' to try everything possible. Maybe he needs to vent, yell, cry, or go to the gym and ponch a bag. idk, I know I love him, I know he says things that hurt my feelings, I know he can be kind, I know he is a hard worker, I know he f**ks up, ............heres my thought about the phone and history, I think it really embarassed him at first. Now I think he doesnt want me to know what he looks at to get off. Which is fine with me. I dont want to know. I dont care for porn personally but i know lots of other ppl do. To each their own I guess. (I feel like yall think Im an idiot. I just want to evaluate every aspect of the situation before I make a choice)

Like I said before, I will have to do some soul searching, and I have to stop making excuses. I get it, I really do.

No, we don't think you are an idiot. And leaving him doesn't have to be permanent. My husband and separated for a year during our marriage. Things weren't working-- I was the borderline abusive one. I had to go to therapy. I had to get help to fix it. I had to learn to live by myself. I ended up finding out that I had anxiety and panic disorder, and I got medication and learned coping skills. We didn't divorce. We are happier than ever. It's the best thing that I could have done for myself and my relationship.

When I said divorce, I guess I meant separation. It could be a really good thing for you both in the long run.

tumblyweed

I think he might be scared. You just lost a baby. Now he's turning to porn in which he gets his so-called needs met, but there is no intimacy in that. I say counseling. Sometimes people withdraw when they're hurt and not able to deal with it or they just act like an @ss or both.

I am so sorry for what you are going through. ((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))

-tumbly

salgalruns

This hasnt been going on for our entire relationship. Just the last 4 months, if that. We have been through a lot, Im not excusing his actions, Im just saying I think our marriage is worth trying to save. I talked to my mother and her brother in law is a marriage counseler. An expensive one, but, she is going to invite him over for dinner along with me and husband. So we will see how it goes. Mom and step dad wont stick around for all of it, she will know when to leave. But it wont be in an office, so I hope darrell will open up so we can work on this stuff. Or, If he is unhappy and wants to end it. I just want him to say something.
Call me crazy if you want, but Im going to try and figure out what exactly is going on. I plan to bring up as much as I can. I just want to lay it all out there.

You might also ask your mom's brother in law about low cost or free counseling. Sometimes you'll hit on someone who needs to put in community service types of hours to clear their program. There's lots available. Sounds like this possible depression/anger coming from your husband was definitely triggered by something else and he's taking it out on you, which is unfortunate.

If he's not interested, I would definitely consider it for you - you've eluded to feelings of not wanting to get married and not being happy yourself. Generally, those feelings aren't the result of a few comments over a brief time. I also don't want to see you hang onto a relationship just because you don't want to fail at it. It takes a lot of guts to leave. A LOT. It's never convenient, and is often so scary that many people stick with it out of fear...not really what a marriage should be based on.

I don't know him at all, but would he be interested in "helping" you by planning meals with you or cooking with you? Even inviting him to support you by going on walks? He sounds like a jerk based on his comments, but he could just be covering up his own issues and lashing out may be his only way to demonstrate anger without being physical.

ABQsheila

Your husband's behavior is verbally abuse.....plain and simple. There is more going on than your weight gain and his liking porn. Deleting phone history is a lame excuse for hiding things. Hopefully the two of you can go to marriage counseling. If not, then you go and sort this out with a therapist. The college may have counseling offered at no cost or on a sliding scale.

You have done nothing to deserve this abusive treatment and, if you do nothing, it will escalate. Take care of yourself and have a happy future.

navybrat84

I did try to talk to him. he was in the tub soaking, so he couldnt walk away, hehe. I asked him why he thinks its ok to put me down and stuff like that. He looked up at me, he didnt say anything, he just cried, I was confused and shocked. He said the lose of our son has really made him feel angry everyday. And he said, that he is angry at me for not being able to carry the baby to term. And that he feels bad for even feeling that way. I was really hurt, but I understood, I felt the same way towards myself. Then I started to cry, uggh. He said he will try hard to work on his attitude. I told him(not asked) not to make any comments about my weight. He just shook his head. He got out of the tub and kissed my forehead. That was it. I didnt ask about the porn. That was a 5-6min conversation. I am glad he finally said something. Im not going to push for any more answers tonight. We have that dinner if a few days, maybe that will reveal more.


I wanted to say, look bud its more than your attitude. Its your lack of respect and self control. Your demenor, and rudeness. But I didnt want to start a screaming match. I know this doesnt fix things, but it could be a start. I am taking everyones advice into consideration. And Thank you all again for all of the replys.

SassyJane21

I know how you feel. Anyone who has been married has had ups and downs in their relationship and when you struggle with weight it brings you down even more.

A bit of advice..I first off want to say I'm not excusing his behaviour what so ever..BUT it could be that you are taking things out of context. I say this because I have been in this position myself and found when I started losing the weight and focusing on myself the cloud wasn't hanging over my head anymore. My bf at the time started seeing that I was happier and knew if his attitude continued, I had the confidence to leave. Unfortunately in this case I was over it by then and left. But I have found myself feeling down again after a lot of baby weight and seeing the same pattern with my husband. I'm feeling depressed and low about myself therefore I'm not very pleasant to be around. Sometimes we get frustrated when someone we love is feeling low and we can't help. Perhaps he is just saying these things because he doesn't know how to act plus if he hasn't been working he may be trying to put his own feelings of inadequacy out on you (which isn't right).

I think if you stop focusing on the negative all together and strictly focus on yourself, getting more active, eating healthy FOR YOU..you will feel happier overall and your life will fall into place with or without him..but you'll be happy.

But if he is just an *kitten* in any circumstance then..better to be single.

ladytinkerbell99

You will be in my thoughts. :flowerforyou:

digitalmythology

I almost never comment, however I just had to Do so this Time. I Am coming from a Guy's perspective. I Will Be to the point with the issues. He is being an *kitten*. Not all guys are, though ... I think You should Find a new One that deserves You. If it were Me, I would appreciate You for Who You are, not what Cosmo thinks You should Be. Sometimes these threads get on My nerves the way some people make discouragement from society appear as encouragement. If it were not for social views of what women should look like, then You would not Be so accepting of his abuse. Most counceling Will not fix stoopidity or arrogance.

I think You should tell jackarse to take a flying flip out of a rolling doughnut and You Will get there on Your own time, and You Will eat the darn doughnut if You so desire. You can Do this, and anything else You desire ...
I send Blessings to the You ... Love and Light to the You ...

navybrat84

thanks digitalmythol, "I think You should Find a new One that deserves You. If it were Me, I would appreciate You for Who You are, not what Cosmo thinks You should Be." it would be great to have someone who feels this way.

norcal_yogi

seriously...if what you've typed is accurate, you should kick him to the curb. you should not be treated like this. period. (and what the hell? just on a porn kick?).

dovesgate

I did try to talk to him. he was in the tub soaking, so he couldnt walk away, hehe. I asked him why he thinks its ok to put me down and stuff like that. He looked up at me, he didnt say anything, he just cried, I was confused and shocked. He said the lose of our son has really made him feel angry everyday. And he said, that he is angry at me for not being able to carry the baby to term. And that he feels bad for even feeling that way. I was really hurt, but I understood, I felt the same way towards myself. Then I started to cry, uggh. He said he will try hard to work on his attitude. I told him(not asked) not to make any comments about my weight. He just shook his head. He got out of the tub and kissed my forehead. That was it. I didnt ask about the porn. That was a 5-6min conversation. I am glad he finally said something. Im not going to push for any more answers tonight. We have that dinner if a few days, maybe that will reveal more.


I wanted to say, look bud its more than your attitude. Its your lack of respect and self control. Your demenor, and rudeness. But I didnt want to start a screaming match. I know this doesnt fix things, but it could be a start. I am taking everyones advice into consideration. And Thank you all again for all of the replys.

This is why the two of you need to get counseling. He's grieving. You're grieving. This doesn't sound like a case of a douche abusing his wife to me. This sounds like a couple who are really, really hurting and trying to cope with a horrible event.

My brother died when he was a day old. It was rough. Incredibly rough. I think the only reason my parents made it through was because they had 3 of us already that they had to raise. I remember there being so much anger, pain, and frustration in the house for years after. My mom has admitted that she felt guilty even though she didn't do anything wrong. It probably would have helped if they had gone to a therapist or someone to help them cope. Unfortunately, services like that weren't as available then as they are now.

Find someone who accepts a sliding scale fee or see your counselor at the college. With him on unemployment I'm sure you guys qualify for assistance. Both of you need to go and if he won't then go on your own. It sounds like you need someone you can pour your heartache out to. Someone trained to listen and help you make your own decisions without being judgemental would be best.

You and your husband have had the first breakthrough with him admitting how he feels even though it is a negative feeling. Baby steps. You two can get through this.

P.S. The porn could be as simple as him not wanting to resume relations after losing the baby because what if he gets you pregnant again? Could you two handle losing another child so soon? I doubt he feels as if he could handle it so he turns to the porn for physical relief without the risk of this huge pain and loss. The phone thing? Eh, could be a red flag. Could be another woman he has turned to or maybe he's ashamed at the huge amount of porn he has stashed on it. He could be *****ing to his friends about you and is sensible enough to not want you to see it. One thing at a time. Counseling first.

cindystephens29

There has to be somethig else goin on with him

i have gained about 100 lbs since my husband and i first meet and he stil loves me no matter what and he tells me all the time he dosent care what i weigh... weight dosent matter when it comes to the heart... im loseing weight now and he is cheering me on and it is a big help and if he sees me slip up and grab a handful of donunts or something all he says is are you sure you want to eat that because he knows after i do i will be mad at myself... Your husband needs to rethink what is important to him

SassyJane21

I did try to talk to him. he was in the tub soaking, so he couldnt walk away, hehe. I asked him why he thinks its ok to put me down and stuff like that. He looked up at me, he didnt say anything, he just cried, I was confused and shocked. He said the lose of our son has really made him feel angry everyday. And he said, that he is angry at me for not being able to carry the baby to term. And that he feels bad for even feeling that way. I was really hurt, but I understood, I felt the same way towards myself. Then I started to cry, uggh. He said he will try hard to work on his attitude. I told him(not asked) not to make any comments about my weight. He just shook his head. He got out of the tub and kissed my forehead. That was it. I didnt ask about the porn. That was a 5-6min conversation. I am glad he finally said something. Im not going to push for any more answers tonight. We have that dinner if a few days, maybe that will reveal more.


I wanted to say, look bud its more than your attitude. Its your lack of respect and self control. Your demenor, and rudeness. But I didnt want to start a screaming match. I know this doesnt fix things, but it could be a start. I am taking everyones advice into consideration. And Thank you all again for all of the replys.

This is why the two of you need to get counseling. He's grieving. You're grieving. This doesn't sound like a case of a douche abusing his wife to me. This sounds like a couple who are really, really hurting and trying to cope with a horrible event.

My brother died when he was a day old. It was rough. Incredibly rough. I think the only reason my parents made it through was because they had 3 of us already that they had to raise. I remember there being so much anger, pain, and frustration in the house for years after. My mom has admitted that she felt guilty even though she didn't do anything wrong. It probably would have helped if they had gone to a therapist or someone to help them cope. Unfortunately, services like that weren't as available then as they are now.

Find someone who accepts a sliding scale fee or see your counselor at the college. With him on unemployment I'm sure you guys qualify for assistance. Both of you need to go and if he won't then go on your own. It sounds like you need someone you can pour your heartache out to. Someone trained to listen and help you make your own decisions without being judgemental would be best.

You and your husband have had the first breakthrough with him admitting how he feels even though it is a negative feeling. Baby steps. You two can get through this.

P.S. The porn could be as simple as him not wanting to resume relations after losing the baby because what if he gets you pregnant again? Could you two handle losing another child so soon? I doubt he feels as if he could handle it so he turns to the porn for physical relief without the risk of this huge pain and loss. The phone thing? Eh, could be a red flag. Could be another woman he has turned to or maybe he's ashamed at the huge amount of porn he has stashed on it. He could be *****ing to his friends about you and is sensible enough to not want you to see it. One thing at a time. Counseling first.

AGREE!!

petiteLady89

I'm sorry, but your husband is an *kitten*. There is nothing wrong with wanting your partner to get healthy. But you don't belittle them and emotionally abuse them to do it. It's just plain wrong.

LonLB

This husband is a total douche.

FROM EXPERIENCE here because yes it has effected mine. First she CONSTANTLY talks about wanting to lose weight, and about how this doesn't fit, or that doesn't or she feels fat etc,etc,etc,etc,etc.

I tried in as respectful manner as possible to help her. NOTHING like your husband. It's a lost cause. There is NO way FOR ME to figure out how to help her, or offer any kind of support.

socalblondie

I am sorry but shouldn't he love and accept you no matter what size you are?? I mean he is supposed to support you.. not insult you. I would tell him that those remarks are not acceptable and the more he makes them the harder it is going to be for you to get where you want. Good luck!! And know you have PLENTY of support on here... no one is gonna tell you those things!!

DoomCakes

That does sound harsh... and that doesn't sound all that ok either. My boyfriend gets on me about losing weight not because he dislikes it, but because he hears me complain about my weight all the time and saying I'll do blah blah blah about it then I never do blah blah blah. But your husband should love you regardless of 12lbs or not... that's pretty bad. If you ever need someone to talk/vent to I'm always available. I WAS in a relationship where my weight was a problem so I kinda know where you're coming from. Just I wasn't married to him. But I'm more then willing to offer an ear for venting if it'll help.