overweight and relationships

slkehl

What he is saying is NOT okay. Women already have so many insecurities regarding weight, and your husband does NOT need to be adding to that. As your husband, he should be making you feel beautiful and cherished, and you deserve no less.

You are married though, and you've made a lifetime commitment. No one is perfect; we all have really big issues in one area or another that cause us to hurt other people. I encourage you to have some open, serious conversations and bring in a counselor if needed. That said, it does take two people to get one relationship to work. Hopefully he'll check in, make some changes and learn to respect you more.

natalianogueira

I think at this point everyone knows your husband is a jerk.
Once I had a boyfriend that used to say some of that stuff to me, when we we're dating I gained about 20lbs in a year. He started getting abusive saying that was for encouragement. He only made me eat more out of frustration.
The point it, don't do that to yourself.

ironicusername

I daydream about my life before my husband. The friends I had on outings with friends. I got asked out all the time. My guy friends always wanted to take me. They would say "your the most fun ever" "this was a great date" etc.

I was the outgoing one. The fun one. Now, my friends dont even call me anymore. I have moved, a few hours away. We chat via email every so often (once or twice a month). My mom is constantly worried about me. She says I am not who I used to be. Im quiet now, I dont make freinds, I dont go out.

Sometimes I feel like Im just putting on a show. Acting like its 'all ok'. Im afraid to say Im miserable.

Seriously, please get help and get out of this relationship. Can you really see yourself with this person the rest of your life? These are classic signs of abuse. It's only a matter of time before he gets physical. The longer this goes on, the worse it's going to get. If he treats you this way, imagine how he'd treat your child! No child deserves to be put into that situation. As sad as it is to say, maybe you can look at the miscarriage as a blessing in disguise. You already know in your gut that this marriage was a mistake. Learn from it and move on. Why should you take it so seriously when it is obvious that he wont? He flatly refuses marriage counseling and takes no responsibility for his actions. This is not what a marriage is supposed to be. He's treating you like property, not like a wife.

sunnybug90

I gained 60 pounds during my marriage. I was with him for 3 years and married for 2. In that time he made comments about my weight all the time and even became ANGRY with me towards the end that I had gotten so fat. He'd even go as far to tell me the comments his friends made.

We stopped having sex. I hated myself. I was so miserable. I missed my life before him but at the same time I loved him.

And I had a hard time with diets or losing weight because he also told me I'd never do it. I even suffered an eating disorder. He left me and that was the best damned thing he ever did for me, which is sad to say. I wish I would of left him but I was too scared. I still am, I'm overweight and I don't know if I'll find anyone till I lose weight, he gave me that complex. Don't let him do that to you.

What your husband is saying to you is not okay. I get joking around and giving each other crap once in a while in a teasing manner but if it bothers you it will eventually start to eat at you. Just because this is your second marriage doesn't mean you don't deserve better.


My first marriage was annulled and now I'm getting divorced. All that matters is you are happy and you are loved no matter what, through good and bad. I used to feel embarrassed this was my second marriage that didn't work out but now that I'm happy and healing I know I'm so much better off and the people who TRULY care about me don't judge me for it. I took my vows seriously and I did my best until he ended it. He ended it for ****ty reasons that we could of worked on, you however have a good reason, you've tried and he isn't making you feel how he should. He's emotionally abusing you. Plain and simple.

Feel free to add me and message me. I've been in your situation, I know how you feel.

ShareeMorty

On the children thing. I understand you really want them. You look young enough to have plenty of time to do that. I will say though that having children is REALLY hard work, you will have times where you think it is too hard and you were stupid to have them, they drive you up the wall constantly. It is hard enough to be a parent let alone one with a partner who doesn't step up to the plate, it makes it 100x harder take it from me.

Wanting to have children is not enough, you need to find the right person to father your children. Someone who will be a good role model, who will show your sons what it is to love a woman and your daughters how they should be treated. Someone who will support and encourage you through the joys and frustrations and heartache of raising small people. From how your husband treats you I don't think he is that kinda guy. I am now on my own raising my kids and it is hard work, you don't want to be doing that.

Please please don't get pregnant again until you are in a good solid relationship whether it is with this husband or someone else.

RoseAsRose

Having a miscarriage is tremendously difficult emotionally and it is COMPLETELY understandable that you would gain weight afterwards. Many people gain weight when they are in a time of grief, and this is exactly the time that your husband should be supporting you emotionally, and not commenting on extraneous things like the 12 pounds.

It sounds like he has a fairly low self esteem and, rather than viewing you as a separate individual, sees you as an extension of himself. So you gaining 12 pounds makes him even more insecure. I imagine that if he is unemployed and you are about to begin grad school, he may also feel threatened - he may view you as smarter than he is or be insecure that you will have more earning power. The hiding the phone thing sounds really fishy.

I know a number of people that have been divorced twice and STILL wound up with amazing husbands. It is a lie to feel like this is the best you can get. I have also been in relationships with guys that have completely accepted fluctuations in my weight and guys that don't - some very accepting men ARE out there!

sunnybug90

Having a miscarriage is tremendously difficult emotionally and it is COMPLETELY understandable that you would gain weight afterwards. Many people gain weight when they are in a time of grief, and this is exactly the time that your husband should be supporting you emotionally, and not commenting on extraneous things like the 12 pounds.

It sounds like he has a fairly low self esteem and, rather than viewing you as a separate individual, sees you as an extension of himself. So you gaining 12 pounds makes him even more insecure. I imagine that if he is unemployed and you are about to begin grad school, he may also feel threatened - he may view you as smarter than he is or be insecure that you will have more earning power. The hiding the phone thing sounds really fishy.

I know a number of people that have been divorced twice and STILL wound up with amazing husbands. It is a lie to feel like this is the best you can get. I have also been in relationships with guys that have completely accepted fluctuations in my weight and guys that don't - some very accepting men ARE out there!

100% agree with all of this.

navybrat84

Having a miscarriage is tremendously difficult emotionally and it is COMPLETELY understandable that you would gain weight afterwards. Many people gain weight when they are in a time of grief, and this is exactly the time that your husband should be supporting you emotionally, and not commenting on extraneous things like the 12 pounds.

It sounds like he has a fairly low self esteem and, rather than viewing you as a separate individual, sees you as an extension of himself. So you gaining 12 pounds makes him even more insecure. I imagine that if he is unemployed and you are about to begin grad school, he may also feel threatened - he may view you as smarter than he is or be insecure that you will have more earning power. The hiding the phone thing sounds really fishy.

I know a number of people that have been divorced twice and STILL wound up with amazing husbands. It is a lie to feel like this is the best you can get. I have also been in relationships with guys that have completely accepted fluctuations in my weight and guys that don't - some very accepting men ARE out there!

Thank you, I know you guys are right, I am just not ready to admit it. If that makes any sense at all. I hate drama, I cant stand it. I know that is exactly what he is going to be. Oh god, what have I gotten myself into. What a freakin mess!

navybrat84

On the children thing. I understand you really want them. You look young enough to have plenty of time to do that. I will say though that having children is REALLY hard work, you will have times where you think it is too hard and you were stupid to have them, they drive you up the wall constantly. It is hard enough to be a parent let alone one with a partner who doesn't step up to the plate, it makes it 100x harder take it from me.

Wanting to have children is not enough, you need to find the right person to father your children. Someone who will be a good role model, who will show your sons what it is to love a woman and your daughters how they should be treated. Someone who will support and encourage you through the joys and frustrations and heartache of raising small people. From how your husband treats you I don't think he is that kinda guy. I am now on my own raising my kids and it is hard work, you don't want to be doing that.

Please please don't get pregnant again until you are in a good solid relationship whether it is with this husband or someone else.

I know your right, my mom was a single parent. I can remember how hard it was for her. I def dont want to go through that. It sounds like its decision time for me.........

ironicusername

I gained 60 pounds during my marriage. I was with him for 3 years and married for 2. In that time he made comments about my weight all the time and even became ANGRY with me towards the end that I had gotten so fat. He'd even go as far to tell me the comments his friends made.

We stopped having sex. I hated myself. I was so miserable. I missed my life before him but at the same time I loved him.

And I had a hard time with diets or losing weight because he also told me I'd never do it. I even suffered an eating disorder. He left me and that was the best damned thing he ever did for me, which is sad to say. I wish I would of left him but I was too scared. I still am, I'm overweight and I don't know if I'll find anyone till I lose weight, he gave me that complex. Don't let him do that to you.

What your husband is saying to you is not okay. I get joking around and giving each other crap once in a while in a teasing manner but if it bothers you it will eventually start to eat at you. Just because this is your second marriage doesn't mean you don't deserve better.


My first marriage was annulled and now I'm getting divorced. All that matters is you are happy and you are loved no matter what, through good and bad. I used to feel embarrassed this was my second marriage that didn't work out but now that I'm happy and healing I know I'm so much better off and the people who TRULY care about me don't judge me for it. I took my vows seriously and I did my best until he ended it. He ended it for ****ty reasons that we could of worked on, you however have a good reason, you've tried and he isn't making you feel how he should. He's emotionally abusing you. Plain and simple.

Feel free to add me and message me. I've been in your situation, I know how you feel.

This is my last post and I'll get off of my soapbox, I swear! lol

Let me tell you something, I have a friend who is VERY overweight. I mean probably 300 pound range. Not particularly pretty either. But she's very kind, has a great sense of humor and is fun to be around. And you know what? She has a wonderful husband that's genuinely crazy about her. He loves who she is, not what size she happens to be. He's not bad looking either. He even adopted the daughter she had before she met him and he treats the little girl as his own. He treats his wife like a best friend.

Just because you're big it doesn't mean you should settle for less. It doesn't give anyone the excuse to treat you as less of a person. Genuine love is blind.

starmichie

If he has no intentions of trying to make it work, he never will....
There is a bigger issue than your weight...he should love you
Unconditionally, no mater what you weigh....it's not you, it's him.

Never settle for ANYTHING more that what makes YOU happy!!

Period!!

REALBIGBATBASTARD

Since you like hearing harsh things, get a divorce while you're still young. You can start over and find someone that doesn't abuse
you mentally. You may not see it but that's abuse!

navybrat84

Thank you all. These posts have pretty much confirmed what Ive been pushing under the rug. I will do a lot of thinking and searching.


pisst* I dont like harsh things. But it is what it is, right?

thefreebiemom

I have asked about counseling, he is not interested in spending the money. i have also told him several times that his comments sometimes hurt my feelings. He says im just a sensitive person and I should take his comments as positive. "telling you your fat should not hurt you, it should help you!!"

For one 12 lbs after a pregnancy and miscarriage is not "fat" Your hormones are still effected by the pregnancy and after pregnancy and it can take a while for your body to get back to normal. Not to mention the emotional toll that a miscarriage would have on someone. Add on top of that his insulting you and making you feel bad is definitely not helping you to keep from eating comfort food.

Personally, I think he might have some of his own issues and depression from the miscarriage. It effected you but it may have effected him too even though it wasn't his body. I mean he created this life and now its gone and that can take a toll on the guy too.

Either way he shouldn't be taking it out on you. The main reason I posted is because you mentioned you are in school. You should check with your school resources. You may be able to get counseling at the school for very low cost if anything at all. I know the school I went to did. They also had lawyer services.

jzammetti

Your husband is an @$$hole. True story.

I try not to be a *****...but I would have to agree. Saying those things to you is just plain mean.

My husband of nearly 20 years was supportive and loving even when I gained over 50 pounds since we got together. Now that I am back to that when-we-met size...he is still supportive and loving.

I am sorry you are dealing with this!

jzammetti

Thank you all. These posts have pretty much confirmed what Ive been pushing under the rug. I will do a lot of thinking and searching.


pisst* I dont like harsh things. But it is what it is, right?

it sucks that you are in this position and I am sorry you are. it doesn't have to be drama with him - tell him what you need and do not settle for less. If he can't or won't give you what you need (unconditional love and friendship and support) then get a lawyer and move on.

weighlossforbaby

He is deleting history on the comp and hiding his phone which means he has secrets he is keeping from you which should be a big deal. My husband has been laid off for a month but he doesn't treat me horrible and being unemployed doesn't give your husband a right to be horrible to you. My husband and I met online in July 2006 when I was 125 lbs at 5'7 tall (I had an eating disorder) and then started talking on the phone a few months after that. He asked me to marry him on the phone in April 2007 then we met in person for the first time in Indiana where he's from in July 2007 for 2 hours but I had to go back home to Arkansas. We still talked on the phone but we wanted to be together so November 2007 I went back to Indiana and married him in a court house but I barely knew him. Our first year of marriage we were getting to know eachother then a few days before our 1 year wedding anniversary in November 2008 we got the call he was going to deploy. He left January 2009 for a year to Iraq. When he got back in 2010 he was getting military unemployment. We decided to move to Arkansas to be closer to my family in January 2011. He retired from the military July 2011. He got an industrial plumbing job January 2012 but was laid off last month. During our 4.5 years of marriage I have gained 50 lbs and he doesn't care but he is very supportive with my weight loss. My point is unemployment and weight gain shouldn't give him a right to be cruel to you. You are still the same person he married.

shaynak112

He seems like a jerk!!! That is NO way to talk to a person. I'd dump him. You deserve RESPECT and LOVE!
It's okay to encourage your partner to be healthier (ex. going to the gym together, going for walks together, making healthy dinners together, etc.) but NOT in the negative way that he is.

kmm7309

EDIT: After having time to read some more of your posts, I remove my comment. The situation is much worse than you originally let on. You need to get some help and maybe get a divorce. There are more problems than some misplaced comments, and you know it. I watched my mom go through it.

starmichie

I read all of the comments that YOU wrote and the hole just gets deeper. I don't know you or your relationship like you do, but you seem like a pretty great gal, and he seems like a pretty terrible guy. I will tell you my personal experience and let you take what you like from it. I have a 14 month old daughter with a verbally abusive guy ike your husband. We were never married and got pregnant after dating for 6 months. We never got married, and we broke up several times throughout our relationship (over 2 yrs now) and each time he would tell me he had changed and taken counseling etc, so I would take him back. Well, people rarely do change, and he wasn't one of them. He would be nice a few weeks or months, and then start being a **** again. I finally left him for good this month. I felt very sad doing it, but now I feel very liberated and I know that one day I will meet my dream man.

I hope you choose happiness.

A friend told me I used to not be the kind of girl who wouldn't choose happiness, that's when I snapped.

I don't think you're the kind of girl to stay unhappy either.

^^^^ this!!!

This was me too... Except...I did marry him and we had 2 children (1 before, 1 after)
11 years later we had broken up several times, and I took him back every time. He had
Convinced me he had "changed"....he never did...
I'm glad i left when I did...2 yrs later I met the love of my life, the one who btw
Loves me for me, I gained 40 lbs and he didn't even notice, or if he did, he didn't care....
He still told me I was beautiful every day, something my ex never did.

I do feel for you, I hope you find happiness...either way, whatever you decide, take time out
to work on yourself... It IS invaluable!!
And again.... NEVER SETTLE.

Good luck