Shallow men.....

Erisad

I don't know. I got into relationships with worse men when I was fatter than what I am now. I had low self esteem and they took advantage of that. I started losing weight and then met my current bf. He supports my goals of weight loss but thinks I'm beautiful as I am now. So yeah, it's how you carry yourself. Confidence is key, I think.

This. I had tons for "Friends" when I was bigger but none that wanted to sleep with me. The more I lose the more men approach me, some of which wouldn't when they knew me before I started losing. Some just took advantage of my low self esteem about my body.

Now I've found a wonderful man who thinks I'm the most beautiful person in the world, who tells me this all the time and who I love with my whole heart. He supports me in wanting to do this but also if I do not. The special thing about him... he isn't shallow, just one in a million.

And the kicker was that when I had low self esteem, I thought I deserved the abuse and that I couldn't get anyone better. Now that I am starting to love myself, I struggle to see why I put up with the crap I dealt with before. :laugh:

So glad we both found men that appreciate our inner and outer beauty.

homerjspartan

Sooo are you saying you hate shallow men...so you're going to not date until you get skinny ...and then try and date the shallow men? I'm confused.

I don't get it.

I've been fatter, I've been thin. Is everyone gonna be attracted to me? No. Of course not. Am I attracted to a guy solely on his looks? Nope (I can't stand Dbags). Are there guys out there that probably would want to date you? Absolutely..

It's all how you present yourself and carry yourself...and whether or not you love yourself.


Everyone is "shallow" to a degree...and I hate using that word to describe what someone gets the butterflies or tingles from. It's not shallow...it's being a human.

^^ Nailed it. You are complaining that men are shallow, so you are going to wait until you meet their shallow requirements to date them......

I am not bashing, but is it possible that you are not giving some men a chance that would love you for you, because they don't meet your physical requirements upfront?

I was 230lbs when my wife met me, and somehow she found me attractive. Of course now she hit the lottery because I have transformed into a hybrid of Jude Law with Vin Deisel's body..... in my un-biased opinion...... so maybe try and look beyond physical attributes of men yourself.

This is only my opinion and in no way expresses the opinion of MFP, Major League Baseball, or the Oxford Lacrosse team.

Ge0rgiana

You got to love you, baby. Dress your body as it is now the best way that you can, fix your hair and face, and hold your head high. Men, like women, are attracted to confidence, and not all men want a stick thin woman. If all a man cares about is a size 2, he's just not worth your attention. I know it sounds cliche, but I discovered it's oh so true. :flowerforyou:

Plates559

I can't control what I am attracted to... I must be so shallow
I'm not attracted to girl who wear a lot of make up... i'm so shallow
I'm not attracted to girls who are too much drama... i'm so shallow
I'm not attracted to men.... I'm so shallow

you get the idea

PaveGurl

A lot of my friends are voluptuous women, and they get MAD play - much more than some of the thin women I know!

If they're the kind that believe thick women are "gross," they're not the kind of person I want in my life anyhow. Things change - what if you get ill and gain weight because you're on meds that make you puff up? What if you lose your hair from chemo? If someone doesn't want to date anyone that falls outside a narrow (and variable) physical attribute, bump that, man - I got better things to do with my time than THEM ;p

MSeel1984

The good ones aren't shallow...but on the other hand, some guys prefer blondes...that doesn't make them shallow-it's a preference.

On the other hand, liking yourself is the key to finding someone that likes you the way you are. I found my husband when I was least looking for someone. Learn to be happy with you-then others will see that and want to know more.

OBXbound4me

Men are going to be however they are... as individuals. Be careful to paint them (us) with a broad brush because allthough many men are shallow and immature, this does not apply to all. I have always been a bigger guy and felt more comfortable around women that I guess would be percieved as being bigger. (sizes 10 - 22 and weights 140 - 250) I have dated two women that were under the low end of that but not due to the weight and the relationship did not end due to that either. For me it was about personallity (which does include confidence) as well as a pretty face. That combo usually gets me. My wife now is about 5'2 and around 200 and I think she looks great (for me). You do need to make sure that when you are talking to someone just try to do so with confidence as well as letting them know that knowing you is very worthwhile and they should recognize that. Hope you luck is better when you next decide to dip that toe in the dating pool...

KaylaBushman

I don't comment very often but this subject always rubs me the wrong way. A person isn't shallow because of who they are attracted to.

Physical attraction is just that, physical attraction.

With physical attraction comes sex. Sex is a means of reproduction, so naturally our bodies are going to be attracted to other bodies that we can reproduce with. Being overweight lessens the chances of being sexually reproductive.

This in my opinion is why men and women are just not naturally attracted to overweight people.

Number two, you cant expect people to be happy with your body when you are not happy with it yourself. That is hypocritical.

fbmandy55

I think maybe the OP means she's not given a chance. There have been times when I was not attracted to someone at first glance but got to know them and grew to love them. There are people who aren't attracted to another and end up finding themselves attracted to them at a later time...

In my opinion, if you refuse to speak to a person just because of their appearance, you are shallow.

mhide

I've noticed that many times the problem is not about being overweighted, it's more about self confidence and taking care about personal appareance. I've met many girls who consider themselves ugly because of their weight and thus use ugly clothes, terrible haircut and no make up. They seem to think: "I'm fat and ugly, why even care about my appearance?" and the first thing they do is going goth or emo (because of the black outfit) and looking even worse; on the other hand there are girls that rely more on their own talents and achievements, have more self confidence, dress amazingly and look beautiful and even have a good BF or husband and are happy overall.

Weeks ago I was also as worried as you about girls being shallow because they prefer six-pack abs guys with nice cars but then I realized the following:

1.- Why would I want to date those kind of girls anyways?
2. Despite I'm not having a car and six pack abs:
a) I have a decent job.
b) I'm a talented musician and I'm also an historian, I rarely run out of conversation themes.
c) I have my own house with an awesome old mexican style decoration.

So I stopped caring. I'm losing weight but not to base my entire self steem on it, it's just a "plus".

Also someone here mentioned: "IMO, that doesn't make them shallow. They simply aren't attracted to over wieght women. Some men are. There is someone for everyone out there. I hope you find love soon. " I prefer chubby girls, all my GFs except for one have been overweighted and they were so sweet and lovely, but also jealous and that's why we broke

Have a great day!

kimad

I agree with most of the comments here, we all have our preferences..

but this is an interesting thing I have noticed over my weight loss journey..... it is MEN who tell me to stop losing weight, not women. I am currently 161ish lbs and personally feel I need to lose some more weight (gross twin tummy) but it is the MEN who are commenting. That does say something too I think....

ETA: I also think confidence goes along way. I personally didn't have confidence when I was heavier, but I know women and men who do and they rock it. I tried to talk with a guy online who had NO self confidence. He was cute but he was such a turn off that way.

sandiegosummer

I have been on all sides of this debate. Personally, I have been looked over b/c I am 20 lbs overweight and have a an hour glass figure and i have been adored for those same things..b/c people have different types of attraction. I think it's just a human trait to focus more on the times you weren't considered attractive than the times you were so I have been prone to the whole - ug men are such dogs and so shallow" thoughts

But I have to be honest, I am "shallow" too. I am not attracted to short men or skinny men ... and I have turned down plenty of nice guys for those "shallow reasons"

I think that at the end of the day you need to be the type of person you want to meet. If you want to meet a great person you need to be the best version of yourself. And if being healthy is a value of yours then being "the best version" means being healthy as well as confident, kind, successful or whatever your other values are. And being the best version doesn't have to center on weight at all! I know plenty of amazing overweight people who are in healthy relationships with great people.

while you are on that journey to become the best person you can be, fake it to you make it and act with all the confidence as if you have already reached your goals.

LadyIvysMom

When I met my now husband, I was a model. Over the years I have gained and lost weight but recently, I skyrocked from 120 to 160 in 3 months due to some medication. My husband could care less what I look like. He didn't marry me to be with a skinny chick. He married me because we have fun together and generally make each others lives better.

Not all men are shallow.

sksummers61

There are alot of attributes that make a woman attractive, a "little" extra weight isn't a complete turn off to me, but obese is, don't feel like that makes me shallow, it's just my preference.

NormalSaneFLGuy

I know stereotypes don't apply to everybody.... but they usually apply to most...

ex\ Stereotype - fat people eat a lot, don't work out a lot, sleep and sit around a lot, and eat lots of take-out

My sister - 240lbs... eats bigger portions than I did when I was fatter, never works out, likes to sit around, and loves to eat take-out

Stereotype - fat people aren't into sports

My sister - she like bowling; I stand corrected.


I would date someone 30lbs heavy, that's fine, w/e. Weight fluctuates or maybe she was injured or on meds.. like really. w/e.
I, however, wouldn't date soemone 70lbs overweight because obviously we have very different lifestyles, aspirations, and goals. Why would I date someone that doesn't fit my life? If I was still 70lbs overweight, I would date someone 70lbs overweight because obviously we can eat together. AT 70lbs overweight, I wouldn't date a skinny person because they obviously want to move too much.

rml_16

I know stereotypes don't apply to everybody.... but they usually apply to most...

ex\ Stereotype - fat people eat a lot, don't work out a lot, sleep and sit around a lot, and eat lots of take-out

My sister - 240lbs... eats bigger portions than I did when I was fatter, never works out, likes to sit around, and loves to eat take-out

Stereotype - fat people aren't into sports

My sister - she like bowling; I stand corrected.

So your sister, who is one person, represents "most people"? Interesting.

DontStopB_Leakin

I know stereotypes don't apply to everybody.... but they usually apply to most...

ex\ Stereotype - fat people eat a lot, don't work out a lot, sleep and sit around a lot, and eat lots of take-out

My sister - 240lbs... eats bigger portions than I did when I was fatter, never works out, likes to sit around, and loves to eat take-out

Stereotype - fat people aren't into sports

My sister - she like bowling; I stand corrected.

So your sister, who is one person, represents "most people"? Interesting.

Don't act like what he said is grossly incorrect.

rml_16

I know stereotypes don't apply to everybody.... but they usually apply to most...

ex\ Stereotype - fat people eat a lot, don't work out a lot, sleep and sit around a lot, and eat lots of take-out

My sister - 240lbs... eats bigger portions than I did when I was fatter, never works out, likes to sit around, and loves to eat take-out

Stereotype - fat people aren't into sports

My sister - she like bowling; I stand corrected.

So your sister, who is one person, represents "most people"? Interesting.

Don't act like what he said is grossly incorrect.

I can think of three people off the top of my head in my own life who do not fit that description. And I can also speak from experience that my current weight is not a result of poor eating or lack of exercise.

I'm not saying it doesn't apply to a lot of people. I'm saying you can't paint a broad brush because you know one person who fits the stereotype.

DontStopB_Leakin

I know stereotypes don't apply to everybody.... but they usually apply to most...

ex\ Stereotype - fat people eat a lot, don't work out a lot, sleep and sit around a lot, and eat lots of take-out

My sister - 240lbs... eats bigger portions than I did when I was fatter, never works out, likes to sit around, and loves to eat take-out

Stereotype - fat people aren't into sports

My sister - she like bowling; I stand corrected.

So your sister, who is one person, represents "most people"? Interesting.

Don't act like what he said is grossly incorrect.

I can think of three people off the top of my head in my own life who do not fit that description. And I can also speak from experience that my current weight is not a result of poor eating or lack of exercise.

I'm not saying it doesn't apply to a lot of people. I'm saying you can't paint a broad brush because you know one person who fits the stereotype.

Yea, because 3 people is so much more than just one.

Half the population, if not more, of my city fits that stereotype. I'm pretty sure it's right on the money.

NormalSaneFLGuy

I know stereotypes don't apply to everybody.... but they usually apply to most...

ex\ Stereotype - fat people eat a lot, don't work out a lot, sleep and sit around a lot, and eat lots of take-out

My sister - 240lbs... eats bigger portions than I did when I was fatter, never works out, likes to sit around, and loves to eat take-out

Stereotype - fat people aren't into sports

My sister - she like bowling; I stand corrected.

So your sister, who is one person, represents "most people"? Interesting.

Don't act like what he said is grossly incorrect.

I can think of three people off the top of my head in my own life who do not fit that description. And I can also speak from experience that my current weight is not a result of poor eating or lack of exercise.

I'm not saying it doesn't apply to a lot of people. I'm saying you can't paint a broad brush because you know one person who fits the stereotype.

As I said, FIRST LINE, it doesn't apply to everybody. I just said most.

Edit: And I used her as an example. I can think of 50 more without even trying.

DontStopB_Leakin

I know stereotypes don't apply to everybody.... but they usually apply to most...

ex\ Stereotype - fat people eat a lot, don't work out a lot, sleep and sit around a lot, and eat lots of take-out

My sister - 240lbs... eats bigger portions than I did when I was fatter, never works out, likes to sit around, and loves to eat take-out

Stereotype - fat people aren't into sports

My sister - she like bowling; I stand corrected.

So your sister, who is one person, represents "most people"? Interesting.

Don't act like what he said is grossly incorrect.

I can think of three people off the top of my head in my own life who do not fit that description. And I can also speak from experience that my current weight is not a result of poor eating or lack of exercise.

I'm not saying it doesn't apply to a lot of people. I'm saying you can't paint a broad brush because you know one person who fits the stereotype.

As I said, FIRST LINE, it doesn't apply to everybody. I just said most.

Edit: And I used her as an example. I can think of 50 more without even trying.

Derp Derp. Reading r hard...

wolfpack77

We all have our requirements. Who are you to judge somebody else based on the importance of their requirements? If you're into categorizing and labeling people, theres a word for that too.