Hubby spying on me...

AlsDonkBoxSquat

This is something we've talked and fought and talked and talked and talked about... Sometimes I get an apology. Sometimes he admits he has a problem. Most of the time he promises it will get better.... Other times on the other hand, he says things like ALL husbands do/should check on their wives and vice versa... It hasn't really gotten any better. Mostly I've just learned how to avoid the 'problem areas'... for example, weird things like stepping out during certian commericals to having no male friends.

He's off his rocker. My husband doesn't have a fb account and isn't my pal on here and doesn't get all weird about my online activity. My husband is secure in our relationship, and while he has some insecurities I don't think it would ever occur to him that I would ever step out on him . . . because he trusts me. I have guy friends, I've always had guy friends. He accepts me for who I am, and doesn't require me to conform to his insecure craziness.

Rae6503

This is something we've talked and fought and talked and talked and talked about... Sometimes I get an apology. Sometimes he admits he has a problem. Most of the time he promises it will get better.... Other times on the other hand, he says things like ALL husbands do/should check on their wives and vice versa... It hasn't really gotten any better. Mostly I've just learned how to avoid the 'problem areas'... for example, weird things like stepping out during certian commericals to having no male friends.

Counseling. Stat. This is NOT healthy. You shouldn't have to modify "normal" behavior in order to avoid confrontations with him.

ladyfox1979

Never in my 13 yrs w/my hubby have I ever had the urge or audacity to spy on him. I trust him 100% and vice versa. My life is an open book. As a matter of fact my FACEBOOK page is always open on my computer , so he usually logs me out to log in his..LOL.

There have been times when people have said that I am naive and should be more alert to where he goes but I am a strong believer in seeing versus speculating. We both mad a pact that if one of us ever cheats and we find out. The bags will be packed in front of the house no questions asked.

binglebandit

This is something we've talked and fought and talked and talked and talked about... Sometimes I get an apology. Sometimes he admits he has a problem. Most of the time he promises it will get better.... Other times on the other hand, he says things like ALL husbands do/should check on their wives and vice versa... It hasn't really gotten any better. Mostly I've just learned how to avoid the 'problem areas'... for example, weird things like stepping out during certian commericals to having no male friends.

I think if you are uncomfortable that this is a genuine problem. I have known several women in abusive relationships where they were not allowed to have friends, specially of the opposite sex and all forms of communication (FB, email, texts, phone calls) were monitored. I'm not trying to infer at all that it is the same sort of situation, only you can know that, but as a grown adult you should be able to pursue your rights freely without feeling shackled by anything. My advice would be to talk with him about the underlying issue, what he feels that he accomplishes by doing that behavior, and how he feels while doing it. However it sounds like you've tried and that hasn't really accomplished anything. If it really bothers you, change your passwords, set everything to private, and logout. Maybe he'll get the hint that you don't appreciate it.

And if you're looking for proof that not all husbands do this, I think that the consensus of all the posters here would be that their significant others don't do that. Which I can back up as well, my husband couldn't care less what I do on my computer and vice versa.

tajmel

My husband is occasionally nosy on my facebook. Haven't caught him on MFP yet. It's a little irritating, but he's insecure and it makes him feel better so I don't really care.

MizzTatiana

for example, weird things like stepping out during certian commericals to having no male friends.

Ok im slowly losing sympathy for you hubby. That is controlling and obsessive. My boyfriend was like that for a bit, but I stompped that out real quick. Oh i guess I should add we were in HIGH SCHOOL. Now that we are 21, 23 years old we aren't like that at ALL anymore. I started applying al lhis rules to him, and then he got it. I wouldn't let him talk to his girl friends (which he has always had a ton of) and He couldn't go out anywhere with them. He realized how dumb it was because he was just friends with them, and now he doesn't care. Only time he ever tells me not to talk to a guy again is if he hits on me, or does something to creep me out, in which case I was done talking to him anyway. My suggestion? Do what you please. He married you, he has to learn to live with YOU not what he wants YOU to be. Its part of a relationship, learning how to accept an not change. 6 years has taught me a lot about myself, and being able to stand up for myself and be ME is what has made this a healthy happy relationship, good luck!

While I admire you're strength... I have to say before anyone else backs you on that... I'm a VERY tradtional Christian, where the man is the head of the household, women are in submission to their husbands kinda thing... so there aren't very many 'rules' I could apply in any circumstance. And I must say most of the important 'rules' I am under so my husband follows too. He doesn't go out with women friends (WE don't even go out much-2 kids) BUT he does have a lot of girl friends on Facebook. I don't bother to ask who they are or how he knows them, and I don't check out their pages. But if you saw some of these girls, maybe YOU'D want to....

kimr41

My husband doesn't have a FB account or is he on here but I have nothing to hide so it wouldn't bother me the least if he "spied" on me.

MizzTatiana

So next time we meet up, you're bringing the baby oil, right?

I'll bring the swing and all the leather stuff.

I hate sending messages on this thing. I can never tell if they're private or not.

This one is, right?


Fake edit: JOKES!

Why is there no 'like' button???!

Remember you loaned the handcuffs to me, I should be done once I find the key I misplaced. My wife hates being stuck in the basement..

spoonful

not cool. in fact it is a really unpleasant. I could not be with someone who spied on me at all

MelStren

No. My hubby does not spy on me and I wouldn't spy on him.

tajmel

for example, weird things like stepping out during certian commericals to having no male friends.

My husband is sometimes very jealous of my male friends, but I made this a firm line. We fought about it over and over again for a long time, but eventually he learned to respect and trust me. It is NOT okay for anyone to dictate who you're friends with. It took us a long time to get through, but my husband now trusts that they're just friends and respects that I need to have a life outside of him. It's hard, but that's absolutely not okay.

ki4yxo

I trust my wife, so no. She has a FB account, while I do not.
She is friends with me on here, and doesn't care about me
having female friends.

Your husband sounds like an insecure man. Nothing sexier. /sarcasm

This..

MizzTatiana

Nobody has asked if you have given your husband a reason to be spying on you.

I love how everyone just assumes he is insecure.

I was wondering when someone would get to that!! Nope, never a reason. Just he's been like that since day one. Generally he's a pretty sicure guy, but he's had a rough past with some pretty sleazy ex's. I really thought he'd trust me by now, I mean we've been together for almost 3 years.... But he thinks it's perfectly normal. That all husbands do/should check up on their wives.
And vice versa.

Cool. So this has always been the norm for the relationship, and this is normal for him. Is there a reason it is bothering you now and wasn't before?

I just thought, and he told me it would get better.

supplemama

Ok I'm mystified...why would he get mad or upset if you stepped out during certain commercials??

MizzTatiana

I would ask him why he feels like he needs to spy on you. Is he just interested or is he insecure/jealous?

He's been cheated on by just about every ex. He thinks this is preventitive mantience...

MelStren

Define "spying". Is he logging into your accounts behind your back, or is he just reading the same stuff you post for the rest of the world to see? If it's the latter, I'd bet he's just bored, and thinks you're one of the more interesting things on the internet. If it's the latter, it's a whole different issue.

That's a good point... Like most everyone said here, we have seperate laptops, though mine is the main one, and I pretty much stay logged into whatever all the time cus well he's my friend on facebook anyway and I have nothing to hide, but I mean he goes through everything. He has to know who each of my friends are, and how I know them, (mostly the male ones, which I don't have any male friends unless theyre family) and my messages. On my MFP he went through my friends, and my recent posts and my profile. He does these things behind my back generally from my own computer, though he could be doing it from work because he does have my passwords.

Ok.. My hubby and I doing this with our teenaged daughter who we recently caught looking at p*0rn on the 'net. For us, it's a trust issue. We can't trust her to behave so she needs supervision. If my hubby were doing this to me, I'd be really upset with him because for him to do that, he would have to NOT trust me.

MizzTatiana

Ok I'm mystified...why would he get mad or upset if you stepped out during certain commercials??

Particular commerial for some body spray with a topless well built man... an issue because he was convinced I was 'staring at him'. so when this commerical came on, it was easier to get up to find something to do real quick instead of fighting about the guy in the commercial.

ElizabethRoad

If he has been cheated on so much in the past, I understand why he has this problem trusting you. But that doesn't really mean it's ok. It's up to you how much you're willing to put up with, but I wouldn't rule out a little couples counseling.

Beastette

Nope. If mine tried it, I would poke him in his spying eyeballs. Moe-and-Curly style. *doink*

supplemama

My husband treats me very well and is nice to me and respects me. He's very secure within himself and our relationship and he trusts me 100%. He never goes through my Facebook or MFP or phone or anything like that. My goodness, I don't know how or why you put up with it, if my husband didn't trust me or believe in my faithfulness it would break my heart. I'd be absolutely shattered.

Mistyblu08

So next time we meet up, you're bringing the baby oil, right?

I'll bring the swing and all the leather stuff.

I hate sending messages on this thing. I can never tell if they're private or not.

This one is, right?


Fake edit: JOKES!

lmbo nice touch:laugh:

75Juniper

for example, weird things like stepping out during certian commericals to having no male friends.

Ok im slowly losing sympathy for you hubby. That is controlling and obsessive. My boyfriend was like that for a bit, but I stompped that out real quick. Oh i guess I should add we were in HIGH SCHOOL. Now that we are 21, 23 years old we aren't like that at ALL anymore. I started applying al lhis rules to him, and then he got it. I wouldn't let him talk to his girl friends (which he has always had a ton of) and He couldn't go out anywhere with them. He realized how dumb it was because he was just friends with them, and now he doesn't care. Only time he ever tells me not to talk to a guy again is if he hits on me, or does something to creep me out, in which case I was done talking to him anyway. My suggestion? Do what you please. He married you, he has to learn to live with YOU not what he wants YOU to be. Its part of a relationship, learning how to accept an not change. 6 years has taught me a lot about myself, and being able to stand up for myself and be ME is what has made this a healthy happy relationship, good luck!

While I admire you're strength... I have to say before anyone else backs you on that... I'm a VERY tradtional Christian, where the man is the head of the household, women are in submission to their husbands kinda thing... so there aren't very many 'rules' I could apply in any circumstance. And I must say most of the important 'rules' I am under so my husband follows too. He doesn't go out with women friends (WE don't even go out much-2 kids) BUT he does have a lot of girl friends on Facebook. I don't bother to ask who they are or how he knows them, and I don't check out their pages. But if you saw some of these girls, maybe YOU'D want to....

I'm a Christian, too. A woman being submissive to her husband doesn't mean she has to let him control every aspect of her life while he does what he wants.

MizzTatiana

If he has been cheated on so much in the past, I understand why he has this problem trusting you. But that doesn't really mean it's ok. It's up to you how much you're willing to put up with, but I wouldn't rule out a little couples counseling.

We do, see another Elderly couple in the church who conduct our weekly marital Bible study, but he down plays it so much, or makes mountians outta molehills its hard to deal with the issue so that he's less victim and more perp. Last night he rented American Pie Reunion.... (cute movie btw) and at the end of it, he asked if I wanted to go to my reunion (class of 2005!) I was like 'kinda'... this upset him. He chose not to go to his, and he thought it was stupid I wanted to go to mine. I DO want to go to mine, but I know I couldn't go alone, and I would love to introduce him to everyone, but I WOULD NOT want to bring him, for fear of the inevitable arguements (over high school stuff?) So today I'm the awful witch because A) I shouldn't WANT to go to my high school reunion I dont want to bring him.

Sapporo

Define "spying". Is he logging into your accounts behind your back, or is he just reading the same stuff you post for the rest of the world to see? If it's the latter, I'd bet he's just bored, and thinks you're one of the more interesting things on the internet. If it's the latter, it's a whole different issue.

That's a good point... Like most everyone said here, we have seperate laptops, though mine is the main one, and I pretty much stay logged into whatever all the time cus well he's my friend on facebook anyway and I have nothing to hide, but I mean he goes through everything. He has to know who each of my friends are, and how I know them, (mostly the male ones, which I don't have any male friends unless theyre family) and my messages. On my MFP he went through my friends, and my recent posts and my profile. He does these things behind my back generally from my own computer, though he could be doing it from work because he does have my passwords.

Okay, that is over the top. Men like this are possessive and often end up abusive. You can keep playing the good little wife to keep yourself safe but his irrationality can still take over and explode over stupid things. I read your other responses about the commercials, about him questioning you about what you comment to friends on FB, etc. All scary stuff.

What will he do when he sees this thread? I hope you have some sort of escape plan. Make sure you have your own bank account and start stashing money there. You have friends or family close by to run to? I hope so.

sizzle92

Um no. My husband has never ever spyed on me. He doesn't have to. I share everything with him. Even my huge favorite past time of flirting here on MFP. :blushing:

Ras_py

I think you already know the answer to all your questions, you just dont want to admit it.

Celestialfairie

So yeah...

If you've not given him reason, permission and you're not sure if you like it? Bright red flags right there, darlin'.

I say this from experience: it ended my marriage. I met my husband online (not to date - we met as friends on a game and years and years later decided to give it a try), so he was convinced that everyone I could and would talk to online was after me. I'm not some well sought out person, I don't put myself out there, and I don't feel that spying/snooping/etc is anything but a sign of him being insecure. SHOULD I have a reason to look elsewhere? Things like that.

No matter what happened, he just couldn't get past it. In the end there just was no saving my marriage. I don't want to see that happen to anyone else. If there's a way to talk to him about it, like a nice heart to heart and work on things, that would be the best way to go. Hopefully he'll see that there's no reason and that he values you so much he won't resort to things like spying.

danasings

My husband treats me very well and is nice to me and respects me. He's very secure within himself and our relationship and he trusts me 100%. He never goes through my Facebook or MFP or phone or anything like that. My goodness, I don't know how or why you put up with it, if my husband didn't trust me or believe in my faithfulness it would break my heart. I'd be absolutely shattered.

^^^This is how my hubby and I are, too. BUT...he is my 2nd husband.

I was married to my college boyfriend in my 20s. We were together for nine years total, but married for 2 1/2 of the nine. He was EXACTLY as you are describing your husband...insecure, jealous, and controlling. Over the course of our relationship, I literally changed my entire personality for him and stopped hanging out with every guy friend I had except for the ones he "approved". (this was the 90s, so before FB, etc, BTW). I catered to his every insecurity simply because I was so afraid to lose "the love of my life." It was ridiculous, unhealthy, and codependent, not to mention a contributing factor to the ED I had. SOOOO...long story longer, two years into our marriage we moved 3,000 miles away from all of my friends and family, and 6 months later he left me for another woman because I "wasn't challenging enough" and because I was "dishonest" and he "couldn't trust me" because I would do/say anything to prevent him from feeling jealous. SERIOUSLY, it was the most devastating thing that had ever happened to me...and the BEST THING! Looking back on it I could see how pathetic I was, and now that I'm in a healthy, loving, trusting relationship, I do everything I can to stay true to myself. My husband loves me for who I am, not for who he thinks I should be to appease his fragile ego.

Now, I am NOT SAYING that you are anything like I was then!! I just wanted to give you an example of what could happen if you continue to placate his insecurities. He needs counseling. BTW: My ex, now divorced from me AND the woman he left me for, has been getting help for himself and 12 years later can see his responsibility in our disastrous relationship.

Hope my story didn't offend!! Best of luck to you!! ((hugs))

TylerJ76

Yeah. Majorly insecure. Now that you've lost weight, he probably thinks you're gonna find some hot, ripped guy and run off with him.

Yea, that's what you did with me.
:grumble:

MizzTatiana

Define "spying". Is he logging into your accounts behind your back, or is he just reading the same stuff you post for the rest of the world to see? If it's the latter, I'd bet he's just bored, and thinks you're one of the more interesting things on the internet. If it's the latter, it's a whole different issue.

That's a good point... Like most everyone said here, we have seperate laptops, though mine is the main one, and I pretty much stay logged into whatever all the time cus well he's my friend on facebook anyway and I have nothing to hide, but I mean he goes through everything. He has to know who each of my friends are, and how I know them, (mostly the male ones, which I don't have any male friends unless theyre family) and my messages. On my MFP he went through my friends, and my recent posts and my profile. He does these things behind my back generally from my own computer, though he could be doing it from work because he does have my passwords.

Okay, that is over the top. Men like this are possessive and often end up abusive. You can keep playing the good little wife to keep yourself safe but his irrationality can still take over and explode over stupid things. I read your other responses about the commercials, about him questioning you about what you comment to friends on FB, etc. All scary stuff.

What will he do when he sees this thread? I hope you have some sort of escape plan. Make sure you have your own bank account and start stashing money there. You have friends or family close by to run to? I hope so.

I'm kinda hoping he DOES find it and read through it... But I'm not going anywhere. He's not abusive just frusterating among other things...