Hubby spying on me...

TylerJ76

Ok I'm mystified...why would he get mad or upset if you stepped out during certain commercials??

Particular commerial for some body spray with a topless well built man... an issue because he was convinced I was 'staring at him'. so when this commerical came on, it was easier to get up to find something to do real quick instead of fighting about the guy in the commercial.

That's just insane.

Celestialfairie

Okay, yeah. Just read all of the comments...

There's really no saving this if he isn't seriously committed... and if you aren't seriously committed to making him change.

And really... sometimes it isn't easy making someone change. Especially if he was that way before you got married. Now, now, I'm not advocating divorce here. I'm just pointing out that marriage is a very big step. If these signs were present before... well, then, you basically did what I did.

And in the end there was no hope in my situation.

LadyIvysMom

No and I wouldn't put up with it if he did. Nor has it ever occurred to me to check his email or phone or whatever. Spying on your spouse is just weird.

MizzTatiana

Okay, yeah. Just read all of the comments...

There's really no saving this if he isn't seriously committed... and if you aren't seriously committed to making him change.

And really... sometimes it isn't easy making someone change. Especially if he was that way before you got married. Now, now, I'm not advocating divorce here. I'm just pointing out that marriage is a very big step. If these signs were present before... well, then, you basically did what I did.

And in the end there was no hope in my situation.

So how do you suggest I make him change, cus short of a hypnotherapist, I just don't know how to make any one change...

Kenzietea2

Mine couldn't care less.

Melanie_RS

This sounds crazy and you are buying into it!

just give him your passwords and tell him he can look at anything at any time. problem solved.

but not looking at a commercial? :huh: you're being snowed into submission. good luck with that.

BrownEyedG1rl

Yes, my ex husband spied on me here.

One reason why he's my EX.

TaintedVampyre

My boyfriend doesn't know anything about this website. So I have no worries. ^_^

Lindaspencer

LOL - that was good! hahaha

BrianSharpe

Don't know if my wife does & don't really care - if she stalked me online she'd only get bored to death...

Elf_Princess1210

He's insecure and thinks that you will leave him since you lost weight too. My husband is like that too, because of abandonment issues. The only thing you can do is let him spy on you and remind him that you love him every day.

MiCool90

Ok I'm mystified...why would he get mad or upset if you stepped out during certain commercials??

Particular commerial for some body spray with a topless well built man... an issue because he was convinced I was 'staring at him'. so when this commerical came on, it was easier to get up to find something to do real quick instead of fighting about the guy in the commercial.

You have to get up and leave the room becos a commercial comes on???... thats very extreme. In my opinion, it sounds like the walls are closing in on you and the more let it go, the more he is going to enclose you in and take more liberties away. I think deep down inside you know this isnt right. I mean... leave the room becos of a commerical? That is not healthy. The next step is he wont want you shopping becos there may be a nice looking guy at the store. This will spiral.

cristileigh

That kind of spying is extremely unhealthy. That's the sort of thing my abusive first husband would do.

^^^^ THIS

MissFit0101

No mine does not, but honestly, "why is MFP worthy of spying on?" .. do you see what goes on around here? I see married people on here flirting in ways I would never consider as a married woman, and that's just what's public. Who knows what's going on "behind the scenes." Now if your husband doesn't trust you, then you guys have some issues to work out.

stockholmhasago

Nope...we kinda like each other and I know he's not up to bad, and he knows the same.

Janet9906

YEP! I had to put passwords on everything. I hate being spied on. I made the mistake of using his phone to get on here a couple weeks ago, I didn't log off properly and got a lecture about my profile page/pictures. I'm not hiding anything but I think we all deserve some privacy.

kittyr77

I would ask him why he feels like he needs to spy on you. Is he just interested or is he insecure/jealous?

He's been cheated on by just about every ex. He thinks this is preventitive mantience...

Just how exactly do you cheat on someone on MFP?!
That doesnt sound good hon. Neither me or my husband spy on each other, we're very open about everything and have 100% trust. How can you be with someone who doesnt trust you? Im sorry I dont have any helpful advice

laserturkey

You cannot make him change. Best thing you can do is change how YOU respond to the things he does. I very strongly recommend the book Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft, if you can find a safe place to read it.

LoggingForLife

Big Red Flag. He sounds very controling. Don't allow him to convince you that his controling behaviors are because he is wounded.

I also recommend "Why does he do that?" His behaviors are classic.

puggleperson

I don't spy on mine and I doubt he spies on me. He trusts me I trust him Normal, healthy relationship here

secretlobster

That's just bizarre. I can't imagine having the kind of relationship where "spying" is involved.

ETA: oh wait yes I can, because I dated someone ten years ago who did that and I am thankful to be out of there.

Celestialfairie

Okay, yeah. Just read all of the comments...

There's really no saving this if he isn't seriously committed... and if you aren't seriously committed to making him change.

And really... sometimes it isn't easy making someone change. Especially if he was that way before you got married. Now, now, I'm not advocating divorce here. I'm just pointing out that marriage is a very big step. If these signs were present before... well, then, you basically did what I did.

And in the end there was no hope in my situation.

So how do you suggest I make him change, cus short of a hypnotherapist, I just don't know how to make any one change...

Well, that's just the thing. No one can make him change. If he's going to, hopefully it can be done through reason. I'm not suggesting to start a fight, but perhaps not giving in so easily to his silly demands.

It's just tough because you have to be who you are, be true to yourself, and if you're in a place where you're not free to do that it's almost a type of abuse. Be proud of who you are and never lose that person.

I lost me. And much like another wonderful woman who commented on here, I was far from home. I still am. No family for many states. And I've had to rebuild my life, and figure out who I am. Maybe he'd be willing to go to an actual family counselor who deals with issues like these?

MizzTatiana

Ok I'm mystified...why would he get mad or upset if you stepped out during certain commercials??

Particular commerial for some body spray with a topless well built man... an issue because he was convinced I was 'staring at him'. so when this commerical came on, it was easier to get up to find something to do real quick instead of fighting about the guy in the commercial.

You have to get up and leave the room becos a commercial comes on???... thats very extreme. In my opinion, it sounds like the walls are closing in on you and the more let it go, the more he is going to enclose you in and take more liberties away. I think deep down inside you know this isnt right. I mean... leave the room becos of a commerical? That is not healthy. The next step is he wont want you shopping becos there may be a nice looking guy at the store. This will spiral.

I pointed out his rather untactful response to EVERY Victoria Secret commercial, and we havent had an issue with commercials ever since. But he still watches me as I'm watching TV when there's someone less dressed or better built than him.

hamiltonba

If you are afraid he will argue at your reunion and you are constantly "avoiding" commericals, etc. isn't he being manipulative? Keeping you from friends is the start of an abusive relationship. He is isolating you from others. He really needs more help than church bible study. If he is "hiding" the problems - that is more manipulation! Why don't you write down the issues and bring them with you to bible study and discuss them? He might use ex's cheating as an excuse to manipulate you and unfortunately, you are falling for it. If he get's upset that there is a commercial with a "handsome man", why don't you ask him what he thinks you should do. It might be interesting to see what he has to say.

MizzTatiana

Okay, yeah. Just read all of the comments...

There's really no saving this if he isn't seriously committed... and if you aren't seriously committed to making him change.

And really... sometimes it isn't easy making someone change. Especially if he was that way before you got married. Now, now, I'm not advocating divorce here. I'm just pointing out that marriage is a very big step. If these signs were present before... well, then, you basically did what I did.

And in the end there was no hope in my situation.

Um highly doubtful.
So how do you suggest I make him change, cus short of a hypnotherapist, I just don't know how to make any one change...

Well, that's just the thing. No one can make him change. If he's going to, hopefully it can be done through reason. I'm not suggesting to start a fight, but perhaps not giving in so easily to his silly demands.

It's just tough because you have to be who you are, be true to yourself, and if you're in a place where you're not free to do that it's almost a type of abuse. Be proud of who you are and never lose that person.

I lost me. And much like another wonderful woman who commented on here, I was far from home. I still am. No family for many states. And I've had to rebuild my life, and figure out who I am. Maybe he'd be willing to go to an actual family counselor who deals with issues like these?

MizzTatiana

Ok I'm mystified...why would he get mad or upset if you stepped out during certain commercials??

Particular commerial for some body spray with a topless well built man... an issue because he was convinced I was 'staring at him'. so when this commerical came on, it was easier to get up to find something to do real quick instead of fighting about the guy in the commercial.

You have to get up and leave the room becos a commercial comes on???... thats very extreme. In my opinion, it sounds like the walls are closing in on you and the more let it go, the more he is going to enclose you in and take more liberties away. I think deep down inside you know this isnt right. I mean... leave the room becos of a commerical? That is not healthy. The next step is he wont want you shopping becos there may be a nice looking guy at the store. This will spiral.

I pointed out his rather untactful response to EVERY Victoria Secret commercial, and we havent had an issue with commercials ever since. But he still watches me as I'm watching TV when there's someone less dressed or better built than him.

And it does periodically 'spiral'. Last week HIS father and I took our two kids to the town pool.... Let's just say that was an awsome day for everyone but mommy. Guess who called 10 times while I was there? complained about what I was wearing nonstop, (a bikini) and hung up on me soon as he heard the a neigboring guy tell me how cute our 1 year old daughter was? THEN when I got home, suddenly I was accused of getting to fresh with my father in law. But my father in law isnt the first, same accusation with each of his 3 brothers. When we get to THAT point is when he admits he has issues and promises to get better...

Lindaspencer

OMG - u have totally cracked me up today - thank you - that was funny

hiddensmiles21

Define "spying". Is he logging into your accounts behind your back, or is he just reading the same stuff you post for the rest of the world to see? If it's the latter, I'd bet he's just bored, and thinks you're one of the more interesting things on the internet. If it's the latter, it's a whole different issue.

That's a good point... Like most everyone said here, we have seperate laptops, though mine is the main one, and I pretty much stay logged into whatever all the time cus well he's my friend on facebook anyway and I have nothing to hide, but I mean he goes through everything. He has to know who each of my friends are, and how I know them, (mostly the male ones, which I don't have any male friends unless theyre family) and my messages. On my MFP he went through my friends, and my recent posts and my profile. He does these things behind my back generally from my own computer, though he could be doing it from work because he does have my passwords.

Okay, that is over the top. Men like this are possessive and often end up abusive. You can keep playing the good little wife to keep yourself safe but his irrationality can still take over and explode over stupid things. I read your other responses about the commercials, about him questioning you about what you comment to friends on FB, etc. All scary stuff.

What will he do when he sees this thread? I hope you have some sort of escape plan. Make sure you have your own bank account and start stashing money there. You have friends or family close by to run to? I hope so.

I'm kinda hoping he DOES find it and read through it... But I'm not going anywhere. He's not abusive just frusterating among other things...

I disagree, he is mentally abusive is he picks fights over things like you have mentioned and wants to be that controlling of your choices.

jofjltncb6

So next time we meet up, you're bringing the baby oil, right?

I'll bring the swing and all the leather stuff.

I hate sending messages on this thing. I can never tell if they're private or not.

This one is, right?


Fake edit: JOKES!

Awesomely done.



My first inclination was to post something similar, but then I thought that my wife might read it and misunderstand.

SairahRose

I think I agree with a lot of what the others are saying.
If you want to be in a totally submissive relationship, and the rules are in place so you're both happy.. then good for you

But this sounds to me like you want him to stop. Regardless of his need to control everything you do, YOU are the one who needs to have some time to yourself and do something that makes you feel like the person you are.

My partner and I don't tell each other everything, nor do we log on to each others accounts, or read texts.. we are two separate people who love each other and want to make a commitment to each other. If there's something we need to discuss, then we do so and explain why it upsets us. We either come to a compromise, or accept the other's POV.

Trust is the most basic element in any relationship, and it doesn't matter what type of relationship that is. If there is no trust, then passwords to accounts isn't going to change anything at all, and neither will repeatedly telling the other that all is okay. And it really is as simple as that.