Dating Advice Needed

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  • damiengarber
    damiengarber Posts: 17
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    I think it just comes down to some guys need less communication and some woman need more. Finding the middle ground takes time. If he's really worth it he'll meet you half way but your expectations and desired outcomes need to be obvious to him. Some guys need it to be made REALLY obvious to them! :)

    I do know that I honestly get so busy between my crazy work schedule and taking care of my daughter that it is genuinely tough to give more than a :) text here or there. There are times at work that I leave my somewhere and don't see it again until 5:00. There are also plenty of times where I go into the office at 7:00 am and work past 5:00. If that's the situation maybe he genuinely is really busy...or maybe he just needs to be communicated to what exactly it is you are looking for.

    Bottom line=If you feel that he's worth it, explain it to him...if not let him go :)
  • gerripho
    gerripho Posts: 479 Member
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    Cut this one lose. Besides the lack of communication you desire, he has a kid. Look into the future. Say you keep this going and eventually hitch up. He has custody which leads me to believe there is a mother around somewhere. Do you really want to deal with all the crap from that? Arguments about visitation. Her getting pi$$ed off at you because the kid decides to call you mommy. The kid disobeying you and telling you he/she doesn't have to mind you because you aren't his/her mother. You don't need any of that in your future.



    (Aside to Detroit Dan. You are one very wise man.)
  • Katahna
    Katahna Posts: 326 Member
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    It's just procrastination once you know what the problem is.
  • caslyn3
    caslyn3 Posts: 70 Member
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    My advice is pretty simple: cut the dude loose.

    If he wants you and you are important to him, he will text, call and pursue you. If not, "he's just not that into you." Seriously, I think it's that simple. Find someone closer to you and more invested. You deserve that.

    Ugh, I needed to hear this.. I am going through the same thing. Thank You for posting this thread!
  • Sthrncupcake
    Sthrncupcake Posts: 79 Member
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    My advise...its very simple...if it doesnt feel right...it probably isnt! Go with you gut instinct.
  • NJGmywholewrld
    NJGmywholewrld Posts: 123 Member
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    Geezus - sometimes we make things so difficult on ourselves. STOP CHASING PEOPLE, people. Let those who really WANT you...let them follow gravity towards you. Let chemistry happen. If chemistry doesn't happen - do NOT chase/force/coerce or demand anything from them...just let it go folks. Move on. I promise you...you are SOMEBODY's DREAM woman or man.

    I could not have said it any better :happy:
  • _HeartsOnFire_
    _HeartsOnFire_ Posts: 5,304 Member
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    My advice is pretty simple: cut the dude loose.

    If he wants you and you are important to him, he will text, call and pursue you. If not, "he's just not that into you." Seriously, I think it's that simple. Find someone closer to you and more invested. You deserve that.

    I agree 100% with this.
  • rhonniema
    rhonniema Posts: 522
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    Ditch the zero!
  • gibsy
    gibsy Posts: 112
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    OK, I'd say let him know what you're thinking, give him a chance to understand what's up and see if that makes a difference. Maybe he is just the kind of guy that doesn't always think to call but he really does care! They do exist. But if you find you contact him more often, that you text or call several times for each single one of his texts or calls, there's a problem going on. It's not even necessarily that he isn't interested, it could just be that you have very different ideas of how you like to have a relationship or what you even want out of this one. No matter what's going on though, you've reached a point where you need to clarify. Maybe you simply aren't compatible in terms of how you like to engage with a special someone, or maybe are more enthusiastic about the long term potential than he is. Or maybe he is a really amazing catch, is really into you and just isn't a chatty person, but maybe knowing you need it he'd make an effort. Who knows? It's hard to tell what what information we have, so unfortunately, I think you do need to pull up the big girl pants and give that talk a whirl. As much as it sucks... believe me, I've never been good at initiating that first "what is this, how do you want to do this/act toward each other" conversation. It must be done though, and now is the time.
  • Katahna
    Katahna Posts: 326 Member
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    How many times does the same thing need to be said in different ways,

    If you can't bring yourself to talk to this person about exactly what is bothering you, then perhaps the communication fault is not on the other end, or it's on both, who knows (None of us here do, since we are not him)

    So, find out a difinitive answer by explaining your problem to him, if he takes it seriously, then good, if not, then it was heading that way anyway...
  • rcalvert1
    rcalvert1 Posts: 117 Member
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    thank you for this post ... I have been dealing with this guy for over 3yrs ... we'll text like crazy weeks before seeing each other and once he walks out the door, nothing. It could be weeks, months and sometimes a year before I will hear from him again. Then the process starts all over again. I have deep feelings for this guy and have expressed them in many different ways. Communication is also important to me. Guess the writing is on the wall. Thank you everyone, I deserve better and ya'll have proved that Im not some crazy pycho b*&^h asking for something unreasonalbe.
  • Spartan_Maker
    Spartan_Maker Posts: 683 Member
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    Quite honestly, if it's not completely magical in the beginning, it's highly unlikely it will be going forward. If it was magical now, he'd intuitively know what you want from him.

    There are 6.7 billion people on earth. Roughly 16% of them are unmarried adult males. That's a lot of choices -- around a billion.

    Just one man's opinion.
  • Katahna
    Katahna Posts: 326 Member
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    How many times does the same thing need to be said in different ways,

    If you can't bring yourself to talk to this person about exactly what is bothering you, then perhaps the communication fault is not on the other end, or it's on both, who knows (None of us here do, since we are not him)

    So, find out a difinitive answer by explaining your problem to him, if he takes it seriously, then good, if not, then it was heading that way anyway...
  • caslyn3
    caslyn3 Posts: 70 Member
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    Look, it's simple. People do what they love. People act on what they want. Want drives everything.

    [rant =on]

    Because I want to be in contact with a woman, I wont be able to HELP contacting her. When I - if I - ever fall helplessly in love...scratch that...

    When I even fall in LIKE again - form a real dating relationship...It will not be a case of 'if I like her I will communicate with her" - that's backwards....BECAUSE I like her I won't be able to NOT. When I find "her" and we have sparks and connection and energy and all that happy-sparkly...

    The love part will be EASY. E.A.S.Y.

    If you can't easily love the one you're with, you might should not be with them. Fight about stupid **** like dishes or laundry or bills. But when there exists within a relationship a real, true, and wonderful bond or chemistry...dude...all the texting and phone calls and hanging-out will happen because it'll have no choice.

    When I am with a woman I really am into - None of the TPS reports, or cover-sheets for them....none of the long nights at work...none of the gawd-awful 'Excellence Meetings!'....all the Metrics....none of that **** will matter - or it WILL matter but i'll be distracted. Hell, I might even send a quick pic of my nuts to the woman - IF she's into that sorta thing; doesnt have to be a pic of my testicles, could be just a pic of my dimples...or my eyes...or me at work...or whatever...but I'll send that stuff JUST so she knows what she has to look-forward to the next time i get her out for wining and dining and...."long walks on the beach"

    Geezus - sometimes we make things so difficult on ourselves. STOP CHASING PEOPLE, people. Let those who really WANT you...let them follow gravity towards you. Let chemistry happen. If chemistry doesn't happen - do NOT chase/force/coerce or demand anything from them...just let it go folks. Move on. I promise you...you are SOMEBODY's DREAM woman or man.

    How you doin?


    LOL, I was sayin the same thing.. If only all men had this same perception.. We would all be winners.
  • MustangSally74
    MustangSally74 Posts: 59 Member
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    Look, it's simple. People do what they love. People act on what they want. Want drives everything.

    [rant =on]

    Because I want to be in contact with a woman, I wont be able to HELP contacting her. When I - if I - ever fall helplessly in love...scratch that...

    When I even fall in LIKE again - form a real dating relationship...It will not be a case of 'if I like her I will communicate with her" - that's backwards....BECAUSE I like her I won't be able to NOT. When I find "her" and we have sparks and connection and energy and all that happy-sparkly...

    The love part will be EASY. E.A.S.Y.

    If you can't easily love the one you're with, you might should not be with them. Fight about stupid **** like dishes or laundry or bills. But when there exists within a relationship a real, true, and wonderful bond or chemistry...dude...all the texting and phone calls and hanging-out will happen because it'll have no choice.

    When I am with a woman I really am into - None of the TPS reports, or cover-sheets for them....none of the long nights at work...none of the gawd-awful 'Excellence Meetings!'....all the Metrics....none of that **** will matter - or it WILL matter but i'll be distracted. Hell, I might even send a quick pic of my nuts to the woman - IF she's into that sorta thing; doesnt have to be a pic of my testicles, could be just a pic of my dimples...or my eyes...or me at work...or whatever...but I'll send that stuff JUST so she knows what she has to look-forward to the next time i get her out for wining and dining and...."long walks on the beach"

    Geezus - sometimes we make things so difficult on ourselves. STOP CHASING PEOPLE, people. Let those who really WANT you...let them follow gravity towards you. Let chemistry happen. If chemistry doesn't happen - do NOT chase/force/coerce or demand anything from them...just let it go folks. Move on. I promise you...you are SOMEBODY's DREAM woman or man.

    Detroit D has got this one..very good advice. But its easier said than done when you are really into someone. Sometimes we have to live and learn on our own before taking any advice. Good luck and keep us posted :)
  • vvanm
    vvanm Posts: 157
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    I agree with "he's not that into you" posters. He lives an hour away, so he's already counting on that distance to limit contact. You could call him after work, say you made him cookies and would like to drop them off. If he wants to meet you instead of inviting you over, that might mean he's hiding something. I'm very cynical, however :P Seriously, if he's busy now, he will always be busy. Not a good feeling in a relationship.
  • gibsy
    gibsy Posts: 112
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    thank you for this post ... I have been dealing with this guy for over 3yrs ... we'll text like crazy weeks before seeing each other and once he walks out the door, nothing. It could be weeks, months and sometimes a year before I will hear from him again. Then the process starts all over again. I have deep feelings for this guy and have expressed them in many different ways. Communication is also important to me. Guess the writing is on the wall. Thank you everyone, I deserve better and ya'll have proved that Im not some crazy pycho b*&^h asking for something unreasonalbe.

    Whoa there girl, "weeks, months and sometimes a year" before you hear from him? WTF IS THAT? You need to cut that loose right now, absolutely no doubt about that. He's around when it's convenient for him and he knows he can count on you to be waiting there like a puppy dog and invite him in, on HIS terms and on HIS schedule. That is completely unacceptable. That is not love, that is not respect, he is using you. Now if you were also into this arrangement, that would be another thing, but you clearly are not into it, are not having your needs met or even considered, and are hurt by it. Walk away. Please. You deserve more, and when you are able to stand up make clear and firm commitments to yourself to not settle for anything less, well the sooner you will actually be able to recognize and draw in someone who will step up to the plate and be the kind of guy you really want. (This is coming from someone who has learned this lesson the hard way, too.) You are better than this. DTMFA.
  • Caz104
    Caz104 Posts: 62 Member
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    Cut this one lose. Besides the lack of communication you desire, he has a kid. Look into the future. Say you keep this going and eventually hitch up. He has custody which leads me to believe there is a mother around somewhere. Do you really want to deal with all the crap from that? Arguments about visitation. Her getting pi$$ed off at you because the kid decides to call you mommy. The kid disobeying you and telling you he/she doesn't have to mind you because you aren't his/her mother. You don't need any of that in your future.



    (Aside to Detroit Dan. You are one very wise man.)

    I absolutely don't have a problem dating a man with a child (I don't have any myself) regardless of if the mother is or isn't in the picture. In this case she isn't though.

    At 34 years old, most men on the dating scene have a child and I have never seen that as an issue.
  • DetroitDarin
    DetroitDarin Posts: 955 Member
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    [Detroit D has got this one..very good advice. But its easier said than done when you are really into someone. Sometimes we have to live and learn on our own before taking any advice. Good luck and keep us posted :)


    I chased a woman for sixteen years to hear, after everything, I'm not the type of guy she wants - for a couple reasons. I gave the advice I gave because I needed to hear it too. All that chasing has left me busted. The advice I gave is the advice I'd hope somebody would give me if I ever think so little of myself again; so little as to feel I have to 'earn' somebody's unmittigated love. Passion. Desire. As fat and horrid as I am...even being over-weight this much...I'd bet dollars to donuts there's at least one woman out there who'd cherrish me as I am...for who I am. Vulneralbe. Available. Loving. Giving. - with a learned ability to communicate those things with everything that I am, as a man.

    Some guys reading what I just wrote might give me crap about having no man-card (see my blog). To them I say "Fair enough. If having a man card means I have to shut off my emotions, thoughts, and feelings...I don't want one.

    Sorry - I realize I've gotten too personal here...this isn't about me...it's about the OP and her struggles. Sorry to derail - i'll move on from here.
  • Caz104
    Caz104 Posts: 62 Member
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    [Detroit D has got this one..very good advice. But its easier said than done when you are really into someone. Sometimes we have to live and learn on our own before taking any advice. Good luck and keep us posted :)


    I chased a woman for sixteen years to hear, after everything, I'm not the type of guy she wants - for a couple reasons. I gave the advice I gave because I needed to hear it too. All that chasing has left me busted. The advice I gave is the advice I'd hope somebody would give me if I ever think so little of myself again; so little as to feel I have to 'earn' somebody's unmittigated love. Passion. Desire. As fat and horrid as I am...even being over-weight this much...I'd bet dollars to donuts there's at least one woman out there who'd cherrish me as I am...for who I am. Vulneralbe. Available. Loving. Giving. - with a learned ability to communicate those things with everything that I am, as a man.

    Some guys reading what I just wrote might give me crap about having no man-card (see my blog). To them I say "Fair enough. If having a man card means I have to shut off my emotions, thoughts, and feelings...I don't want one.

    Sorry - I realize I've gotten too personal here...this isn't about me...it's about the OP and her struggles. Sorry to derail - i'll move on from here.

    Not that I enjoy reading about your struggles, but it is kind of refreshing to hear a guy having dealt with this and get his point of view based on experience. And you know, I hope if it ever happens to you again (I hope it doesn't) that you have someone who takes the time out to remind you of your self worth, like you did for me.

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