That one friend who is not happy of your success...?

sicilysclover

I was one of those friends about 7 years ago. Now before you start flaming me for being on "that" side, let me say this. At first I was happy for my friends weight loss, I was interested in how he did it, and I encouraged him, I was happy to encourage him. He was looking good, down 100 lbs in a year, and I was proud of him. The problem came in two-fold...the first one was that he constantly saying, "when I was fat this" or "when I was fat that" over and over and over again. It got to the point that every single conversation contained at least a dozen of "when I was fat" comments.

I'm fat. I know this. I knew it then and I know it now. It wasn't jealousy because he accomplished something I didn't. At that time I wasn't trying, not even a little bit. Honestly, for a good portion of my life I didn't really care. I was over my shyness and letting my weight control my happiness. If people didn't like me fat, screw 'em. The problem was, I couldn't be happy for him because he never gave me a chance....he was too busy patting himself on the back. I understand that losing weight is a great thing, and I've recently started losing myself because I'm getting too old to continue down my current path. Things have got to change. But, I don't want to be the person so can't talk about anything else but how great and wonderful I am, and not have anything else to discuss but diet and weight loss. He went so far as to write his own book about how to lose weight. It was filled with half-truths and a lot of misinformation, and when he had a registered dietitian read over it and critique the book, she tried to tell him she doesn't agree with half of what he wrote. He ended up telling her she didn't know what she was talking about and that he was 100% right, then he turned around and put her down as a point of reference to substantiate his claims. He self published his book and still, to this day, has 99% of them. We have been friends 2/3rds of our lives, we are 20 days apart in age, and we are still friends, 28 years now. He got mad at me one day and just jumped down my throat because I wasn't happy for him. I told him what I said here...."you won't stop complimenting and bragging on yourself to even give me a chance to be happy for you."

The second part was that we wouldn't stop losing weight. He ended up un-healthy thin. He couldn't find the balance, and he didn't listen to anyone who was concerned for his health. He said it was a challenge to lose another 5 lbs then another 5 lbs. He looked bad. Finally, he realized that this path wasn't good and he began to gain some back.

He's since gain all the weight, and more, back. Most of that was he got married, and she's not much of a cook so there's a lot of Mexican and KFC and buffet's. We talk about it some now and it's not a big deal anymore. Not because he gained the weight back, but he realized he was being a "conceited jerk", his words.

I'm not saying that you're the way he was, nor am I saying it's wrong to be proud of your accomplishments. You should, everyone should. I also know, exercising and counting calories becomes so ingrained in our lives that it seems as though we are consumed by this process. I've been on here almost 30 days now and I can see how fast trying to reach my goals is consuming my time, my energy, and my thoughts. I would be easy to get caught up in talking about nothing else with like minded people...and no one else. But I've realized that there's more to life then my weight loss. A lot of those things in life are why I want to lose the weight to begin with.

Again, I'm not saying you're acting like my friend did, and I'm sure your situation is completely different. I'm also not trying to say that I'm better than anyone else, I'm just me. Like me or not, I'm sure I'll live on. I'm just giving the point of view from someone who has been on the "other" side of this.

This was a great entry. My friend recently lost a lot of weight and when we had lunch together a few weeks ago his new healthy lifestyle was ALL he could talk about. I sat there, happy for him but desperately wanting to talk about something else so I could actually join the conversation and not sit there and say "oh wow. Oh I didn't know that about vegetables how interesting" etc. We ended the lunch not talking about anything else other than his healthy living. I was bored, but I was definitely not negative or sarcastic with him.

Now that i've started this site and am really looking at what I eat, I enjoy our conversations about living healthy. But it also taught me to be careful - I can't let this take over every conversation I have with people, just because i'm excited about it. I can talk about it - sure but my point is it won't be ALL I talk about.

Maximumresults

as hard as it is, sometimes you just have to move on...there is no room for poison or constant negativity in life..there is enough without choosing it

leslie0422

ONE friend? my friends are thrilled, my family is a different story all together! my mom didn't say anything about my weight loss until the topic of jean came up and when i told her i had to throw 2 pairs away she said '"you should have given them to me to hold onto until you gain it all back"

Wow...that's terrible. And I thought my mom was bad. She just keeps saying that I'm too skinny now and implying that I don't look good at this weight. I'm 5'5" and 130 lbs...definitely not too skinny but actually at a healthy weight for the 1st time in 10 years.

souperficial

My sister has been really mean to me lately about my weight. I keep losing weight, and she's been gaining weight, so she feels the need to tell me that all of my clothes are really tight (I assure you, they're not. All of my other friends/family tell me they look great) and that I should change into something bigger or less fitted.

On the other hand, I feel like I'm kind of being that friend right now. I have one friend who loses 30-40 pounds by dieting really unhealthily ever summer (I mean, 40 pounds in 3 months is kind of excessive), only to gain it back (plus a little more) during the school year. All she talks about is how hot she's gotten and how much weight she's lost and I want to feel good for her, but at the same time I don't want to support her unhealthy habits.

VirtuousVal

I have lost a significant amount of weight. Around 41lbs to be exact. Most of the people in my life have been thrilled for me and frequently express how proud they are of me.

However, one of my closest friends is just not happy with my weight loss sucess. She will never come out and tell it to me but her body language and tone conveys jealousy and anger. She says she's happy for me but I know she isn't. Just the other day she said I was the beautiful best friend (compared to her). She is constantly calling herself ugly and fat and it gets me upset.

A part of me almost feels BAD for losing weight. I feel like my success is causing her to be miserable. But I know I can't think like that. I just wish she would be happy for me and stop making me feel bad for BETTERING myself

So I have a question! Do any of you have a person in your life that isn't happy for your weight-loss success?

Hbwin72,

Here is something that I came across online from "PeerTrainer". That I think will help you as well as anyone else dealing with "HATERS". I wish you the best in your friendship that you are having problems with.

Be Blessed in health, healing, and wholeness! Have a blessed and prosperous day! AMEN †

Valarie aka VirtuousVal


"How To Prevent Weight Loss Sabotage: A Foolproof Formula To Never Let This Effect You!"

Whenever you develop a yearning to make healthy changes in your life and begin to take steps towards making those changes, you feel like you're on cloud nine. You're so happy and proud of yourself that you automatically assume that everyone around you who says they love you are of course going to share your enthusiasm and joy. If you'll be happy, they'll be happy, and of course they'll support your newfound healthy lifestyle in any way they can, right? I mean, why wouldn't they?

Well, you may be surprised to learn that after you start to make healthy life change, an obstacle called sabotage is often placed in your way by the well-meaning people who share your life. And before you know it you'll actually find yourself sabotaging your own healthy efforts as well--sabotage actually means Sacrificing Authentic Bliss Only To Agreeably Gratify Everyone!

Notice that each person you end up trying to gratify and please is not the person who matters the most --you! And you will probably be surprised to see that some of those nearest-and-dearest people offer some pretty stiff resistance to the continuation of your positive life changes. Although you may be disappointed when their reaction is not what you expected, it is important to understand some common reasons behind the resistance you may encounter from others.

Here are some of the most common motives of these naysayers:


1) Jealousy -- When your associates see you looking happy and healthy, they often immediately begin to compare their lives with yours. They don't seem to possess the discipline you are evidencing, and since they have no idea of how to achieve it, they are overcome with envy.

2) Loss of Identification -- Your friends and/or family may feel that you have lost the similar tastes and pastimes on which you used to base your camaraderie, and so they wonder what is left that you can pleasurably share.

3) Comparatively Low Self-Esteem -- Your cohorts may see you as better than them now and are thus, by comparison, very unhappy. They may in turn project that unhappiness onto you.

4) Misunderstanding/Unfamilarity -- Since you have now stepped out of the familiar sphere of old and comfortable attitudes and actions, your companions often feel confused, alienated, and sometimes abandoned.

5) Control Issues -- Sometimes other people in our lives use our faults and shortcomings (such as weight issues) as reasons to criticize or put us down. In this way they feel they are in control, and when the cause for criticism is no longer present, this feeling of control is stripped from them.

(If you have people in your life who gain pleasure from controlling you, this becomes glaringly obvious when you make positive life changes. This is therefore a good time to re-examine the people whom you allow to be close to you and to identify and weed out those who gain power from control)
6. 6) Unclear Boundaries -- A psychologically healthy person knows how to maintain and nourish him or herself as an individual, without letting other people, however well-meaning, interfere or dictate to them how their life should be lived. So, even when friends and family are trying to "help," they can unknowingly cross the invisible boundary lines of your personal autonomy.

ninamfoss

That is a tuff one. My bff and I are extreamly close. We do tend to follow one another, in a good way though. Wether its her idea or mine to do something good we usually do it together. I do tend to be a little competitive with her, but neither one of us are jealous of the others success. EVER! If she was to lose weight(wich she is) and I didnt I wouldnt be a upset and take it out on her. I would take her success and use it as encouragement. Maybe try to be only positive around her. She might just be dissapointed in herself. Dont let others insecerities make you feel down, remember its her, not you. Start by saying something with great enthusiasm towards something she has worked hard in and was or is being successfull. It could change her outlook and maybe she too will be soon to follow your footsteps.

stefanie1208

I don't have a friend like that exactly. I just have someone who I guess is using "tough love" so even though I've lost 7lbs she's constantly on to me about "you should have lost more than that by now." it's like ok, she's skinny and in shape and I've been obese for over 25 years. It's hard to put yourself in the shoes of a obese person if you've never had more than a 10lbs variation between your ideal weight and actual weight before. I am just disappointed that she's not more proud of me saying "way to go! keep it up, and push yourself even harder." Instead she is "I'm mad at you because you are not doing something right"...I'm doing more right than wrong. I am eating 1400 calories less per day than I used to eat! I am exercising which I didn't do before. I eat proteins first if I have a "Sunday dinner" and only have a bite or two of mashed potatoes or macaroni cheese. I am not eating fast food, avoiding candy, cut back by 75% on diet soda, which I plan to totally cut out but let's go slowly....lol. But, I have a lot of others who are proud so oh well!

NikkiSixGuns

Oh yeah... People never really commented on my weight before I lost it (around 40 pounds also) but afterward people really started saying unkind things. Even some people that I would have considered friends.

It does stink. Even though we're not responsible for them and their choices, it makes it hard to enjoy what you've worked for. I guess you just have to ignore them. On a couple of occasions when people said really nasty things I snapped back, just to get the point across that they were being inappropriate. It didn't change them - they still said the things they were going to say.

abberbabber

Pretty much everyone but my sister is super supportive. She never says anything about my weight loss even though I've lost about 70 pounds so far. She bought some 1X tops at Old Navy the other day and I jokingly said I was going to steal them. She very nastily replied that they would be too small for me. I think part of her problem is that she's always been the "skinny sister". So as I've list and she's gained, we're a lot closer in size now and she hates it.

ampherz

Yep!

Well, I wouldn't grace him by using the word "friend." He's a guy I went on a pity date with in college. He recently found me on Facebook and told me I look skinnier and I should not overdo the weight loss because I was "healthy" in college.

Told him I had high blood pressure for my age in college, I worked out about never, and I was borderline overweight. Healthy indeed. I normally wouldn't have responded but I felt like giving him a reality check on what healthy looks like. Nobody needs to tow that fat American status quo.

Yeah, I went to college in Mississippi.

MizzTweezy

Yes, unfortunately it was my closest friend where I live... She is overweight herself and I tried to help her the best way I knew how but she isn't ready.

She was finding little things to pick at me about like my belly roll, or my skin sagging, or stretch marks etc. It got to the point where after 7 years of friendship I had to let her go. I couldn't take it anymore.

I had posted on fb one day how I was craving a dq blizzard but I wasn't going to do it, and she replied.. You know I would buy you an extra large one and some other remark, and that's when I ended it. I was done.

It hurts because I would be happy for her if she had done it herself and not try to drag her down. I guess you know who your real friends are by seeing the real them when things like this happen, I figure I can do better no having friends like that in my life..

skulcherry

I know how you feel about feeling guilty because of sisters. I have a sister that is over 400 pounds and she is in such denial about her weight. I have tried everything to get her to just cut back so she would lose weight and she just tells me why do I need to loose weight men love the way i look and so do I. I am worried for her health since both heart disease and diabetes run in our family.

ceeceescurves

I have 2 so called friends like that. And they both are always talking about weight lost and exercising. One of them (old co-worker) drinks alot and is always talking about another friend of mind who has lost weight. A friend whom I was friends with first, only she keeps forgetting that.

The other one (neighbor) and the never to tell me don't lose another pound. She just dont know, I'm going to lose another 50 lbs. She even told me she was not going to be speaking to me when I lost all my weight. I laughed it off, but I truly do believe her. Oh well.

And they both were always smaller than me. Shorter and smaller....now I'm even taller after losing 68 lbs and weigh less than one of them.

People just need to be happy for each other. Keep negative comments to themselves.

Cause truth be told, I have a strong feeling I'm going to be telling them both were to go.

KIMBAILEYWILLIAMSON

not my friends...but my own sisters.

My sisters...one of them says I have no butt. The other always posts about how far she's run on facebook..i.e.

almost everyday she posts, "I ran 5 miles today!" and I always congratulate her. Give her kudos. And other people do too.

Today I posted on my own facebook page that I won a calendar contest...and my sisters say nothing.

It's discouraging.

Wow just wanted to say congratulations to you, you deserve winning a calender contest!

To the topic: "That one friend who is not happy of your success...? " That is discouraging, I have a couple "friends" that is like that but all in all thank goodness most of mine has been supportive. I'm sure your friend feels bad about herself but if she is your friend she should be happy for you and go by your example if she is so miserable with herself. You should not feel bad at all, enjoy the hard work you've done to accomplish what you have. Here's hoping your friend will wise up before she loses a real friend.

Tannedtiffers

Yes, and for me it isn't a friend it's family...which makes it even tougher to deal with .

KodAkuraMacKyen

I have one like that. Every chance she gets, she will try to point out how much easier weight loss has been for me than it is for her. Even though she works so much harder, she doesn't lose. Because it's been SO DAMN EASY for me! I sneeze and I lose 3 pounds. That's it. It's not because I'm working my tail off. Right! It's gotten to a point that we don't talk about weight loss or much of anything else anymore.

mcsteenie

Oh boy. Been there. But in reverse. Funny now that my SO is retired and I see some of my former Mil Spouse "friends" they act all chummy. Mind you these are some of the same people who would 'forget" to tell me about squadron events. The few times we'd go out on the town for a girl's night I felt like the token fat friend. Even got some weird and hurtful comments about my size... and my feet of all things. LMAO ("Gee, I'd offer to let you borrow a pair of heels (for the ball) but I don't want the sides stretched out." :noway: For bleep sake we wore the same size! I just tried to laugh it off and say' I like my Flintstones feet more than her shoes'... Oh well.

I do find it funny that now that one of their husbands saw me at a function last weekend and reported back, I get a phone call to "go out some time." Guess losing 54 lbs makes me acceptable now. Whatever. Guess glad I don't have to play in that sand box anymore. :bigsmile:

(And don't the wrong idea, people. I have some good friends that are military spouses. Just not from our last base. Not all MIL wifes are like this.)

mcsteenie

Oh and I have had a friend in the past like this. We don't really talk anymore. The last time we spoke she intimated I might want to keep the big sizes (clothes) "just in case".

And my skinny SIL seems to be weird about my weight loss, too. Someone at dinner last week told me I was looking good and asked how much I had lost. Then that person turned to SIL and asked "doesn't she look great?" and she replied that she "hadn't noticed." To which I silently add 'Madam you either need glasses or a surgical procedure on your bottom to remove the head"

I figure she's just plain mean and insecure. She's 120 lbs soaking wet and is always saying she needs to lose 5 lbs so she doesn't look like a 'fattie." I just want to roll my eyes every time I hear it.

dbgtgirl210

Okay, I will admit that I have been that friend. I have been jealous of that fact that my best friend has been losing weight, but I still love her to death. To me she isn't just my best friend, but my sister as well. We have been through ups and downs together. It just feels weird that she has had so much success with weight loss and if I think about food I gain weight. Sometimes I know that she probably wonders why she even tells me about her weight loss success because I do seem a bit grumpy about it. Often times I wonder if she tells me because she is happy about losing the weight or because it makes me feel bad. You see that's something in my head and something that I need to get past. She is my family and always will be.

At the same time I am happy for her and that is pushing me to keep going to the gym and to try my best. Really want to rock the awesome clothes with her.

I think that any friend who has trouble with another person's weight loss success may just be mad at themselves that they haven't done it as well. Maybe just sit down with that friend and see what's going on with them.

I figure she's just plain mean and insecure. She's 120 lbs soaking wet and is always saying she needs to lose 5 lbs so she doesn't look like a 'fattie." I just want to roll my eyes every time I hear it.

She has to have some other issues as well. Maybe her image of herself is just bad and she takes it out on others around here. Or maybe it's good that you got that negativity out of your life. Good luck to you.

kenjancef

I was going to actually post something like this, but saw this thread. Unfortunately, I have 2 people, both very close family. They both have been trying for years to loose weight, and I never really tried. So I've been doing this since May 2012 and finally reached my goal a few days ago. But it seems like the jealousy is kicking in, since they have tried and failed. It even got to the point where I was going to give up on all of this, and even removed the few friends I had on here. At this point I'm used to doing things like this and other stuff alone.

I've even tried to help them but all they do is complain. Right now I feel the best that I've felt in 25 years. I decided to not give up, and if anyone is in the same boat feel free to add me as a friend here.