Toxic Parents...don't believe what you are told

Katanthus

All my life, I have been told I was "fat", by my MOTHER. Yes, the one person who should love you unconditionally, told me that I was fat, despite not actually being overweight. I am 5' 2", and up until a few years ago, I was 36-24-36, and weighed around 119 - 124, apart from a time when I was so depressed, I dropped to 97lb at the age of 23. Then, I got told I was too thin, by my mother. I then realized nothing would ever please her, I would never be good enough. A number of years back, I went back home to visit my family, it had been 3 years since I had seen them, and the first thing my mother said... you guessed it.."you're so fat". NOT I missed you, or it is nice to see you. After a whole week of abuse. I told her "I love you, but I am not prepared to put up with this abuse any longer" I turned around, and flew back to the US. I got home feeling like THE worst daughter in the world.

I was wandering around a book store, and found this book: "Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life" by Susan Forward. I bought it, and spent the rest of the day reading it. As I was reading, I kept nodding my head, and saying to my partner "listen to this, does this sound familiar?". I found a book that did not tell you to "forgive and forget", because HOW can you forgive someone who will repeat the pattern of abuse? Some people will say it isn't abuse, but it is. Emotional abuse stays with you, pretty much your whole life. After reading the book, I no longer felt like a bad daughter, my actions were valid.

I ate like a bird, no chips, candy, chocolate, fried food, or soda, and I gained weight...a lot of weight. I actually eat more now, than I ever did before I started on MFP.

Basically, all I wanted to say, was.. if there are any young people out there, that have been told you are "fat".... get real support, from TRUSTED people... the school nurse, your family doctor or nurse, a family member who believes in you, a teacher or school counselor. I wish you all the best, be yourself... have fun, and remember... there is always one person out there who believes in you. It WILL get better.

_Wits_

Great post...and a great book. My doctor recommended that book for me after I slipped a comment about my mom...and it was the best book I could have read.

Forgiveness is all about you, not the person you are forgiving..it's such a wonderful choice to make..


Glad you got to that point, OP :flowerforyou:

samntha14

great message, and great job overcoming.

jkandktmom

Glad I saw this I will be pruchasing the book in the very near future!!

NeuroticVirgo

good for you.

sarahharmintx

Im so sorry to hear about your mom but I think its great you were able to get some support and understand through the book. Stay strong!

janalayn

I totally get where you are coming from. As a teenager I was 5'8" and wearing a size 7 or 9. My mother was always on a diet and kept me on one because my friends who were much shorter wore sizes 3 and 5. When I went away to college I gained a ton of weight because I had no idea how to make good choices. I had always been on a diet or sneaking food when my mother wasnt around. It has taken me years to realize that I wasn't fat then but I sure am fat now. My mother still has issues and tries to tell my 20 year old daughter that she is fat at 109 pounds. My mother hates that I am finally finding success with my weight and tries to sabotage me at every turn. Take care of yourself and don't let anyone else define you.

SalishSea

I have the most wonderful mom in the world. The other members of my family - not so much. I'm sorry for those of you who had toxic parents. That would be a terrible cross to bear for life. I'm glad that you are finding resolution and understanding. I would not be a forgiver.

Nightdust

My mom never did this but I know she does worry that I will gain my weight back. I know she's proud of me and would never say anything truly hurtful but sometimes she will say, you better be careful or you'll gain the weight back. I can't fathom what it would be like to grow up with your mother. I probably would have told her to go ef herself lol.

Dragonnade

My mother is the only person to have ever called me fat. We fell out for other reasons and now I don't value her opinion on anything other than cold, economic fact.

Other favourites of hers include asking if I'm a lesbian if I haven't informed her that I'm dating recently. She managed to ask if my current bf was gay before considering that maybe if I was spending that much time with a chap we might be dating. And then having found I wasn't the spinster daughter she so feared, told me I should call her more frequently now I have things to say that she can gossip about.

I told her she could call me if she wanted the gossip that badly. My mother's corrosive. My dad is brilliant, doesn't judge, is totally accepting and supportive and one of the nicest, most loyal people I know. Go figure!

Wonderwoman2677

I guess I need to read that book too. I'm so glad that you found it and have gotten to a better place in your life.

Katanthus

My dad is brilliant, doesn't judge, is totally accepting and supportive and one of the nicest, most loyal people I know. Go figure!

Actually, my step-dad is the same way.. my favorite person in the world... who IS and always will be dad to me. Unfortunately, my sister is a carbon copy of my mother, and causes so much drama, I am glad there is an ocean between us.

jazzedorange

You are a very strong person. Knowing that it is not your fault is a very wonderful thing! Take it from me that wasn't the the greatest of households when I was a kid. Unfortunately I did not get help with my problems. My little sister and I grew closer and became each others rocks, shoulders, punching bags, mother, partner and motivator. Now that I have 3 awesome kids, I have taught them how to love them selves and communicate about their feelings. We have a very understanding family that loves and protects each other no matter what the day brings.

No child or adult should ever go through abuse. This goes for ALL KINDS of abuse.

Katanthus

I guess I need to read that book too. I'm so glad that you found it and have gotten to a better place in your life.

You may find, like me... you end up buying it multiple times..and giving it to people.

I should buy another copy, or at this rate... maybe the author should send me a free one. lol

Katanthus

Now that I have 3 awesome kids, I have taught them how to love them selves and communicate about their feelings.

You children are lucky, you know what unconditional love is.

My sister is the one with 3 kids, yet is not maternal. I on the other hand am maternal, yet do not have them. I adore children, but never had them.. I kept putting it off, because I did not want to turn into my mother. I am so maternal, I can't hear a baby cry, without my heartstrings being tugged. I am now 48, and pretty much time has run out for having my own, and really can't afford adoption. That is another story.

Krizzle4Rizzle

Wow. I need to read this. Thank you.

angie6171

Wow! Can't even believe I'm reading this! At my heaviest up until I was 19, I weighed about 125 and wore a size 8. My family would always make comments about my weight. My mom would never keep any junk food in the house as she was deathly afraid of gaining a pound as she has always been all about looks. Well, when I met my husband he could eat whatever he wanted and not gain any weight and I found out quickly I could not. I wanted everything I couldn't have growing up and then became addicted to having sweets after every meal. I packed on the pounds pretty quickly. After I had gained the weight, my mom once told my brother that was embarrassed to be seen with me as she thought everyone was staring at me because I was so big. That hurt a lot at first. But that was then and this is now. I am now losing weight and eating better for me! I have educated myself and still learning, so that I can teach my kids better. I am hoping by going through this journey that I can keep them from making the mistakes I did and that they will be educated enough to make good choices when they are out on their own. Love to you all!

LyssaJ1

Thank you for posting this.

My mom never told me I was overweight, just "under tall." Like I could change my height? Sure! With my gothy boots!

Anyway, where I grew up - rural southwest Michigan, all the womenfolk have an odd issue - they're always on a diet and are comparing themselves against either each other, or some mythical, unrealistic "look" they should have/be.

My father, who is long since passed, used to compare my mum against my sister. How in the heck can anyone do that?! My mum had five children, my sister was a teen. When he started comparing me against my sister, when I was around 10 years old, and she was 14, it was crazy because her build came from my mum's side of the family and I came from his. My sister is 5 feet tall and her average weight (when we were growing up - mainly late teens) was 85 pounds. Me, 115 to 125, at 5'3". Oh how I miss those weights.

Now, I call back North to talk to my bestest friend and she always ends up talking about her weight. I'm like "If it's winter, you put on weight, if it's summer, you lose weight." It snows there and is cold, for goodness sake!!

Sorry, big tangent there. Anyway, thanks again for the post - I should probably get the book

BrazenHarpy

Sounds like my mom. Except my mom's thing was jiggling my side every time I went in the kitchen to eat something, screaming at me for wearing my "fat pants" and to get on the scale so I could know just how disgusting I had become. But did she teach me healthy eating habits? Psh, no. I had to learn those on my own, several years after moving out of the house :P.

SelenityJ

Nothing truly to add just bumping the post so more people can see it and find support, motivation, and perhaps a good book to help deal with issues.

*much love and hugs to all*

Selenity

Katanthus

Thank you for reading my post. Sometimes it helps to know you aren't the only one who is in the boat. If you are going to read the book, I hope it helps. It isn't just for emotional abuse, it is for people who have had to deal with parental abusers of all types.

You can buy it used from $4

http://www.amazon.com/Parents-Overcoming-Hurtful-Legacy-Reclaiming/dp/2702852491/ref=sr_1_4?ie=UTF8&qid=1345668567&sr=8-4&keywords=toxic+parents+overcoming+their+hurtful+legacy+and+reclaiming+your+life+by+susan+forward

I wish you all the very best.