Toxic Parents...don't believe what you are told
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Well, first of all, a size 7 or 9 at 5' 8" seems pretty perfect to me. Not heavy...not too skinny. I was there at one point. I am 5' 7" and looked pretty darn good at a size 7. So, don't listen to your mother...tell her to mind her own business, and keep her AWAY from your daughter.0
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Wonderful post! I can so relate to what you are going through because my life has been similar, even though I've never been overweight or outside of the "healthy" weight range for my height. I'm recovering from anorexia, and I think I'll have to get that book to continue to work on improving myself in healthy ways. Thank you, and best wishes to you.0
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I need to read that ^^. It wasn't just my mom, but my entire family really. Even though I was considered one of the most thinnest kids in school growing up, I was still "fat." My granny said I will never be small no matter how much weight I lose, my mother would laugh at how "big" and "heavy" my legs are, and comment LOUDLY behind my back about how fat I am to my sisters (even though she was the one who fed me growing up so isn't it her fault?) My sisters would tell me to stop eating because I'm the straight-up fat a** in the family. My dad would ask if "Could fit that, you're too big," as well as my uncles :indifferent: . HOWEVER, if I expressed trying to lose any weight, my parents would shove even MORE food in my face like I'm a starving child from Africa. They've all kind of messed up my self-esteem and I don't know if I'll ever be confident in my own body, but of course, self-esteem is an idiotic "white people" term and it doesn't really exist and I'm just being "stupid" and "weak," as told by my parents.
Oi :sick:0 -
My parents have old fashioned ridiculous attitudes and negative outlooks. ALL of my support comes from my WONDERFUL friends. Its hard to accept that families aren't necessarily supportive and positive so you have to surround yourself with people who make you feel good. If it wasn't for my friends, I'd believe the negativity...I used to feel like "is it me???" NO, its not, it's them.0
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thanks for posting, we all need a reminder that every one of us is wonderful in our own way.
I read the book a few years ago, I didn't like the suggestions it had about "sit down with your toxic parent...and talk to them". i had the toxic parent that should have never had a child, or should have given me up for adoption.
Best thing I ever did, was to walk away and never look back. I will never understand how a person can go thru life thinking they did nothing wrong to me. Forgiveness doesn't exist for the pain they caused me.0 -
I am so sorry to hear that you grew up in a home where those who were supposed to love you best couldn't really be there to support you. Glad to hear that you took some valuable things from the book.
What to do now? Surround yourself with supporting, loving people who will appeciate you for the person you already are. We certainly can't please everyone, but we can limit our contact with them! May time and a different perspective help to heal your hurts. Friend me if you want.0 -
This post means a lot to me. It only took me 43 years to figure it out. I decided to end all toxic relationships including bad food relationships. It's been an enlightening year and I feel so much better about myself.
I'm definitely going to read the book.
I'm not a bad daughter for not giving my parents permission to "insert negativity here". :drinker:0 -
It is a fab book and she has also done 'toxic inlaws' for partners.
Cutting off contact with my family was the best thing I ever did and being away from them and being able to build up some self esteem meant I was finally in the right place to lose weight/exercise/get healthy.
I know if I can survive everything I have been through them losing weight is a piece of piss in comparison
Ditto! Yea us:flowerforyou:0 -
Thankyou so much for this post. my mother has had a large impact on my self esteem growing up and I will definitely check out that book.0
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I hear you! When I was 16, I was 5'2" and I weighed 98 pounds. My mother told me I had big thighs, and that I couldn't eat whatever I wanted, like a teenager (even though I was a teenager). But, really I was just starting to have a curvier figure (but I was still small and fit...I was a dancer). So, I quickly stopped eating. Pretty much all I ate was spinach and strawberries. My weight dropped to 88 pounds (my BMI was like 16). I stopped getting my period and started having very serious symptoms of malnutrition. Then one day I was in the shower and I started to black out. I got out of the shower and passed out on the floor. After that I started to realize I was in a serious situation. So, I told a friend and she told me to tell my mother. I told my mother and she said she refused to take me to a doctor. From that point on I paid my own medical bills. My mother said that if I was going to hurt my own health, she would not waste her money on it. This makes my mom sound bad. She's not that bad. I feel bad talking about her. Everyone makes mistakes. She just has a different idea of how to help people. She was good in other ways. I don't blame her for anything. I make my own choices. Any way, I have taken great care of my health since then and was very responsible. There was also a lot of abuse in my childhood (I shouldn't get into that). I just really related to this. My mother would never say something like that to me now. But, all through my life, my mother brought toxic people into my life, and for 7 years she had a man in my life (as a stepfather) and he sexually abused me horrendously.
I'm glad I'm an adult and can choose the people I am around now.
It helps to know I'm not alone in these experiences (reading what you and everyone else wrote).0 -
Thank you for sharing. :flowerforyou:
I am bumping so that others might see this post and learn about the book.0 -
This post means a lot to me. It only took me 43 years to figure it out. I decided to end all toxic relationships including bad food relationships. It's been an enlightening year and I feel so much better about myself.
I'm definitely going to read the book.
I'm not a bad daughter for not giving my parents permission to "insert negativity here". :drinker:
No, you are NOT a bad daughter. I wish you all the best.0 -
thanks for posting, we all need a reminder that every one of us is wonderful in our own way.
I read the book a few years ago, I didn't like the suggestions it had about "sit down with your toxic parent...and talk to them". i had the toxic parent that should have never had a child, or should have given me up for adoption.
Best thing I ever did, was to walk away and never look back. I will never understand how a person can go thru life thinking they did nothing wrong to me. Forgiveness doesn't exist for the pain they caused me.
I know, because of my toxic mother, I put off having children, because I did not want to be like her...but regret it. I would LOVE to adopt, but it is too expensive. That is another story.
You said that "sitting down with the toxic parent and talking" was not for you, and I understand that is not for everyone. I did not so much sit down with mine, as stand there, and tell her "I love you, but I am not going to put up with this abuse any longer. I am sick to death of you calling me fat, and it isn't a joke, or for fun... it REALLY hurts when it comes from your MOTHER". I on the other hand, couldn't do what a lot of books tell you to do, and blindly forgive them. When they have had numerous chances given to them to stop the behaviour, and they don't... how can you forgive that? You really can't. To keep putting yourself in the situation to be emotionally beaten up, doesn't make any sense.0 -
Sometimes, some Parents can be abusive. Sorry you had to deal with that.
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Maybe I should get that book.. I wasn't really told I was fat but was told every day how useless and worthless I was.0
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There were some other books that helped me:
Why is it always about you: the seven deadly sins of narcissism
Will I ever be good enough: healing the daughters of narcissistic mothers
Invisible Girls: The Truth About Sexual Abuse
The Betrayal Bond: Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships
The Post Traumatic Stress Disorder Sourcebook
Opening Up: The Healing Power of Expressing Emotions0 -
I have 3 daughters ages 4 months, 2 yrs & 3yrs. One thing I really find disturbing is shopping in children's stores for them.
Children's clothes are sized "2", "3", "4" and so on up to I think size 10 (my kids are still in size 3/5) BUT in some stores they've sized the clothes as follows: "Small - 3/4", "Medium 5/6" "Large 7/8' "Extra Large 9/10" What the HECK?? we're talking about little kids at varying stages of growth (3year olds in size 3/4 and 10 year olds in size 9/10) WHY IN THE WORLD does a 10 year old have to feel like she's an "Extra Large"?? I've actually complained and the clerk told me I should teach my daughters to be more confident!!!
Does this bother anyone else?? I've noticed it in Children's Place and Bonnie Togs (Canada) or am I blowing it out of porportion, or should I just be teaching my daughters confidence (which I believe I do, but my fear is that schoolmates and media etc. will ruin any good efforts I make...)
Let me know what you think?0 -
My father did this...Always told me that I would be the prettiest girl in my class if I just lost 50 pounds.
He started saying this in 2md grade, by the way. That's a great thing to do to your daughter who comes from a long line of people with eating disorders. The only man in your life basically saying you're fat. Fun.0 -
Thanks. I have had to deal with this my entire life. I actually had a doctor who would say "your fat, lose weight" every time she saw me. She even told me to not eat any carbs at all. I basically told her to shove it. As for my mother, she constantly cuts herself down and both her fat kids. She praises her 3 size 8 kids who either don't eat or lactic acidosis. I am the eldest and have been treated like **** all my life. My dad actually pushed me to be on weight watchers when I was 15.0
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My relationship with my mum is odd.... Sometimes she's amazing, sometimes she's a cow.... But its always me..
I have never been able to talk to her about personal stuff - that was always my Nan (who died last year) Mum had a breakdown about 13 years ago and said some seriously horrible stuff to me then. She's in a toxic relationship with a man, they're not intimate, she doesnt do hugs or anything. She's never said she loved me or is proud of me.
I run her business for her. She wasnt interested in it for ages, then comes back, wants to change everything. Even to answerphone message isnt good enough. Things I do arent good enough and sometimes I wonder why I bother.
When I was 18 I fell pregnant. The ultimatum was her or the child. I chose her. I am now childless, which maybe isnt a bad thing, but I've never forgiven her for that.
Before my Nan died she told me that when Mum fell pregnant with me (an accideent BTW) she demanded an abortion from the doctor, who said, dont be silly you're perfectly healthy enough to have a baby. In the 70's the 'done' thing was to marry the father, which she did and he treated her like *kitten* and me (told me I was fat and ugly at aged 8 - I have very little contact with him now)
They split up when I was 14 - and the whole well if I didnt have you I wouldnt have suffred this... thing came to light. I have since found out recently that my father wanted me to be a boy.
She'll never say anything directly - its all indirect snipes and sometimes I just want to run away. I'm 38 for goodness sake!!! We're supposed to having a family get together tomorrow and i dont want to go - I've spent anough time in her company already this week.
All I hear is I cant cope tih AB and C so I offer to help then its wrong then it goes round again......
Meh.0 -
I have 3 daughters ages 4 months, 2 yrs & 3yrs. One thing I really find disturbing is shopping in children's stores for them.
Children's clothes are sized "2", "3", "4" and so on up to I think size 10 (my kids are still in size 3/5) BUT in some stores they've sized the clothes as follows: "Small - 3/4", "Medium 5/6" "Large 7/8' "Extra Large 9/10" What the HECK?? we're talking about little kids at varying stages of growth (3year olds in size 3/4 and 10 year olds in size 9/10) WHY IN THE WORLD does a 10 year old have to feel like she's an "Extra Large"?? I've actually complained and the clerk told me I should teach my daughters to be more confident!!!
Does this bother anyone else?? I've noticed it in Children's Place and Bonnie Togs (Canada) or am I blowing it out of porportion, or should I just be teaching my daughters confidence (which I believe I do, but my fear is that schoolmates and media etc. will ruin any good efforts I make...)
Let me know what you think?
I think the clothing sizes in the US are insane... period. I personally think that childrens' clothing should be labelled by color. There could be a sizing chart on the wall... 2 = red 3 = orange 4= yellow. Colors hold no numerical value. Maybe parents should lobby to get childrens' clothing sizes changed. IF anyone can make that change, it has to be parents, they are the ones with the purse strings, which is the power.
As for "clerk told me I should teach my daughters to be more confident!!!" I would have turned around and told her "your mother should have taught you manners, and how to speak to people correctly." It is NOT her place to tell you how or what to teach your children. I would just wouldn't shop there, and I would make sure their head office knows why.
In Europe, the centre of fashion, "petite" is for women under 5'4", and pretty much always has been. Not in the US... in the US, you can get "PS", which insanely enough stands for "petite short". Totally idiotic. "Petite" was and still is, a polite way of saying a woman is short. Saying "petite short", is like saying "big large". In a US store, I was told "petite is for slimmer people", I told them.."NO, the next size down, is for SLIMMER people". If you are that small, you need to buy your clothes from the teenagers department, as I did when I was 97lb.
Your girls have a loving mother, and one that thinks about their feelings.
“Listen earnestly to anything [your children] want to tell you, no matter what. If you don't listen eagerly to the little stuff when they are little, they won't tell you the big stuff when they are big, because to them all of it has always been big stuff.” ― Catherine M. Wallace
much love0 -
I can't tell you how much I appreciate this thread. I ordered the book this morning not only because I have a very toxic mom, but because I don't want to become a toxic mom to my two amazing daughters and my beautiful granddaughter. I hope it will help me "break the cycle". Thank you.0
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It is so sad to know, that so many people go through this. I have to say, my mother was not all bad, she does have a very kind heart, with others, just not me. I understand that no handbooks are given out when you become a parent, and some parents do the opposite of being controlling, which can be even worse.. they don't give a monkey's uncle about what their offspring do or say. I know it is not easy to walk the line between too much and not enough. I guess all you can hope for, is you screw your kids up less than you were. /shrug0
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It is so sad to know, that so many people go through this. I have to say, my mother was not all bad, she does have a very kind heart, with others, just not me. I understand that no handbooks are given out when you become a parent, and some parents do the opposite of being controlling, which can be even worse.. they don't give a monkey's uncle about what their offspring do or say. I know it is not easy to walk the line between too much and not enough. I guess all you can hope for, is you screw your kids up less than you were. /shrug
I know what you mean. Our mothers are just people, so they may be ok in their other relationships in life, but not a good parent. Although, my mother does have troubles in her other relationships as well.
I am a parent now. I worry a lot about being a good parent to my children. But, the reality is that I will make some mistakes here and there, but they will not experience horrendous trauma that results in PTSD and life long struggles. And if they feel bad or have an issue with me I will listen to them, I will genuinely apologize and I will not redirect the blame onto them. I will take responsibility. My kids are little now and I tell them that I am not perfect and I will make mistakes, and that I do not know everything (because I know that kids idealize their parents). I tell them to always trust themselves. And I tell them that I remember what it was like to be their age and that they can always come to me for support or to talk. And I tell them that if they ever did not feel comfortable talking to me for any reason that they could talk to a teacher or a friend's parent.0 -
Excellent post!0
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I'm sorry to hear you had to endure this as a child, sometime we (I'm a parent) don't realize the harm we causd our children by speaking our minds...I've always been a (I don't sugar coat ish) type mom...but maybe my approach is more harmful than helpful when dealing with my children. I'm not fond of name calling or picking on my children when they physically don't look the way I may want, neither of my children are even overweight, but at times I find myself asking my daughter questions like (when was the last time she ate, or she's skinny) this too isn't healthy! Thanks for sharing this with me...I'm going to work hard on changing my thinking.
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I think I may have to get this book. I am 5'1" and all through high school was 125. My dad when passing my sister and I in the hall or whatnot would pat our tummies and say "are you gaining weight? you look like you are pregnant" He did this pretty much everyday and it made my sister and I feel very uncomfortable about ourselves.
Thanks for the post and book suggestion0 -
Glad to see people are finding answers and solutions to issues from their past and present. 0
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thanks for posting, we all need a reminder that every one of us is wonderful in our own way.
I read the book a few years ago, I didn't like the suggestions it had about "sit down with your toxic parent...and talk to them". i had the toxic parent that should have never had a child, or should have given me up for adoption.
Best thing I ever did, was to walk away and never look back. I will never understand how a person can go thru life thinking they did nothing wrong to me. Forgiveness doesn't exist for the pain they caused me.
I know, because of my toxic mother, I put off having children, because I did not want to be like her...but regret it. I would LOVE to adopt, but it is too expensive. That is another story.
You said that "sitting down with the toxic parent and talking" was not for you, and I understand that is not for everyone. I did not so much sit down with mine, as stand there, and tell her "I love you, but I am not going to put up with this abuse any longer. I am sick to death of you calling me fat, and it isn't a joke, or for fun... it REALLY hurts when it comes from your MOTHER". I on the other hand, couldn't do what a lot of books tell you to do, and blindly forgive them. When they have had numerous chances given to them to stop the behaviour, and they don't... how can you forgive that? You really can't. To keep putting yourself in the situation to be emotionally beaten up, doesn't make any sense.
While I commend you on this post, I think you are misunderstanding what forgiveness is. Forgiveness is NOT saying, "Oh, it's okay" or anything like that. It's not about saying, "You are forgiven" and placing yourself back in the same situation(s). It's about realizing that you have no control over how other people act, what they do, or how they treat you - but not allowing them to control your life any longer. A person doesn't have to be in your life to have control over it - as many of these posts show. Adults all saying they still have issues to work through because of something that happened in the past.0 -
I have always been told I was fat by my mother as well. It is a painful thing that really sticks with you. When I was "developing" around the age of 11-12, I got stretch marks on my breasts. My mother told me it was because I was so damn fat. I have never forgotten that sting. I thought I was fat but looking at pictures of me at that I age I see that I was just right. Still my mother will tell me I am too thin if I lose weight. WTF does she want??? I have never felt thin even when I have been. I am working on that now.
Then my ex husband would call me fat but sabotage me when I would try to diet. It seems impossible to escape. My 2nd husband was fat so he never gave me a hard time about that.
My problem now is that my youngest son is really packing on the weight. He is almost 18 and makes most of his decisions. I ask him to go on hikes or bike rides. He rarely agrees. I try to encourage healthier foods but of course he wants the junk food.
I refuse to be unkind to him but how can I help him see the destruction he is doing to himself without hurting him. Am I being overly cautious because of how I was treated?
Has anyone dealt with this?0
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