Toxic Parents...don't believe what you are told

Katanthus

I have 3 daughters ages 4 months, 2 yrs & 3yrs. One thing I really find disturbing is shopping in children's stores for them.

Children's clothes are sized "2", "3", "4" and so on up to I think size 10 (my kids are still in size 3/5) BUT in some stores they've sized the clothes as follows: "Small - 3/4", "Medium 5/6" "Large 7/8' "Extra Large 9/10" What the HECK?? we're talking about little kids at varying stages of growth (3year olds in size 3/4 and 10 year olds in size 9/10) WHY IN THE WORLD does a 10 year old have to feel like she's an "Extra Large"?? I've actually complained and the clerk told me I should teach my daughters to be more confident!!!

Does this bother anyone else?? I've noticed it in Children's Place and Bonnie Togs (Canada) or am I blowing it out of porportion, or should I just be teaching my daughters confidence (which I believe I do, but my fear is that schoolmates and media etc. will ruin any good efforts I make...)

Let me know what you think?

I think the clothing sizes in the US are insane... period. I personally think that childrens' clothing should be labelled by color. There could be a sizing chart on the wall... 2 = red 3 = orange 4= yellow. Colors hold no numerical value. Maybe parents should lobby to get childrens' clothing sizes changed. IF anyone can make that change, it has to be parents, they are the ones with the purse strings, which is the power.

As for "clerk told me I should teach my daughters to be more confident!!!" I would have turned around and told her "your mother should have taught you manners, and how to speak to people correctly." It is NOT her place to tell you how or what to teach your children. I would just wouldn't shop there, and I would make sure their head office knows why.

In Europe, the centre of fashion, "petite" is for women under 5'4", and pretty much always has been. Not in the US... in the US, you can get "PS", which insanely enough stands for "petite short". Totally idiotic. "Petite" was and still is, a polite way of saying a woman is short. Saying "petite short", is like saying "big large". In a US store, I was told "petite is for slimmer people", I told them.."NO, the next size down, is for SLIMMER people". If you are that small, you need to buy your clothes from the teenagers department, as I did when I was 97lb.

Your girls have a loving mother, and one that thinks about their feelings.

“Listen earnestly to anything [your children] want to tell you, no matter what. If you don't listen eagerly to the little stuff when they are little, they won't tell you the big stuff when they are big, because to them all of it has always been big stuff.” ― Catherine M. Wallace

much love

alerica1

I can't tell you how much I appreciate this thread. I ordered the book this morning not only because I have a very toxic mom, but because I don't want to become a toxic mom to my two amazing daughters and my beautiful granddaughter. I hope it will help me "break the cycle". Thank you.

Katanthus

It is so sad to know, that so many people go through this. I have to say, my mother was not all bad, she does have a very kind heart, with others, just not me. I understand that no handbooks are given out when you become a parent, and some parents do the opposite of being controlling, which can be even worse.. they don't give a monkey's uncle about what their offspring do or say. I know it is not easy to walk the line between too much and not enough. I guess all you can hope for, is you screw your kids up less than you were. /shrug

BinaryPulsar

It is so sad to know, that so many people go through this. I have to say, my mother was not all bad, she does have a very kind heart, with others, just not me. I understand that no handbooks are given out when you become a parent, and some parents do the opposite of being controlling, which can be even worse.. they don't give a monkey's uncle about what their offspring do or say. I know it is not easy to walk the line between too much and not enough. I guess all you can hope for, is you screw your kids up less than you were. /shrug

I know what you mean. Our mothers are just people, so they may be ok in their other relationships in life, but not a good parent. Although, my mother does have troubles in her other relationships as well.

I am a parent now. I worry a lot about being a good parent to my children. But, the reality is that I will make some mistakes here and there, but they will not experience horrendous trauma that results in PTSD and life long struggles. And if they feel bad or have an issue with me I will listen to them, I will genuinely apologize and I will not redirect the blame onto them. I will take responsibility. My kids are little now and I tell them that I am not perfect and I will make mistakes, and that I do not know everything (because I know that kids idealize their parents). I tell them to always trust themselves. And I tell them that I remember what it was like to be their age and that they can always come to me for support or to talk. And I tell them that if they ever did not feel comfortable talking to me for any reason that they could talk to a teacher or a friend's parent.

marilynnam

Excellent post!

AlichiaMJohnson73

I'm sorry to hear you had to endure this as a child, sometime we (I'm a parent) don't realize the harm we causd our children by speaking our minds...I've always been a (I don't sugar coat ish) type mom...but maybe my approach is more harmful than helpful when dealing with my children. I'm not fond of name calling or picking on my children when they physically don't look the way I may want, neither of my children are even overweight, but at times I find myself asking my daughter questions like (when was the last time she ate, or she's skinny) this too isn't healthy! Thanks for sharing this with me...I'm going to work hard on changing my thinking.

Yes2HealthyAriel

I think I may have to get this book. I am 5'1" and all through high school was 125. My dad when passing my sister and I in the hall or whatnot would pat our tummies and say "are you gaining weight? you look like you are pregnant" He did this pretty much everyday and it made my sister and I feel very uncomfortable about ourselves.

Thanks for the post and book suggestion

Aeriel

Glad to see people are finding answers and solutions to issues from their past and present.

cressievargo

thanks for posting, we all need a reminder that every one of us is wonderful in our own way.

I read the book a few years ago, I didn't like the suggestions it had about "sit down with your toxic parent...and talk to them". i had the toxic parent that should have never had a child, or should have given me up for adoption.

Best thing I ever did, was to walk away and never look back. I will never understand how a person can go thru life thinking they did nothing wrong to me. Forgiveness doesn't exist for the pain they caused me.

I know, because of my toxic mother, I put off having children, because I did not want to be like her...but regret it. I would LOVE to adopt, but it is too expensive. That is another story.

You said that "sitting down with the toxic parent and talking" was not for you, and I understand that is not for everyone. I did not so much sit down with mine, as stand there, and tell her "I love you, but I am not going to put up with this abuse any longer. I am sick to death of you calling me fat, and it isn't a joke, or for fun... it REALLY hurts when it comes from your MOTHER". I on the other hand, couldn't do what a lot of books tell you to do, and blindly forgive them. When they have had numerous chances given to them to stop the behaviour, and they don't... how can you forgive that? You really can't. To keep putting yourself in the situation to be emotionally beaten up, doesn't make any sense.

While I commend you on this post, I think you are misunderstanding what forgiveness is. Forgiveness is NOT saying, "Oh, it's okay" or anything like that. It's not about saying, "You are forgiven" and placing yourself back in the same situation(s). It's about realizing that you have no control over how other people act, what they do, or how they treat you - but not allowing them to control your life any longer. A person doesn't have to be in your life to have control over it - as many of these posts show. Adults all saying they still have issues to work through because of something that happened in the past.

MindyBlack

I have always been told I was fat by my mother as well. It is a painful thing that really sticks with you. When I was "developing" around the age of 11-12, I got stretch marks on my breasts. My mother told me it was because I was so damn fat. I have never forgotten that sting. I thought I was fat but looking at pictures of me at that I age I see that I was just right. Still my mother will tell me I am too thin if I lose weight. WTF does she want??? I have never felt thin even when I have been. I am working on that now.
Then my ex husband would call me fat but sabotage me when I would try to diet. It seems impossible to escape. My 2nd husband was fat so he never gave me a hard time about that.

My problem now is that my youngest son is really packing on the weight. He is almost 18 and makes most of his decisions. I ask him to go on hikes or bike rides. He rarely agrees. I try to encourage healthier foods but of course he wants the junk food.
I refuse to be unkind to him but how can I help him see the destruction he is doing to himself without hurting him. Am I being overly cautious because of how I was treated?

Has anyone dealt with this?

BinaryPulsar

Forgiveness can be a difficult word. I usually think of it as acceptance. I accept that my family is the way that they are and that there is nothing I can do to change that. I love them as they are, but I am an adult and I will also protect myself and my children. It doesn't mean that what happened was ok, it just means that I accept that it happened and I can't change that.

But, it took a lot of work to get here. I had to feel all the feelings about it first (sometimes I still do), and I needed to work out how to set boundaries with my family.

After everything that I had been through with my mother and the people she brought into my life, I remember after I had my second baby she asked if she could borrow a shirt and then she got really angry at me because she said all my clothes would be too big for her. I had to realize that those were her issues. I was not a bad person because my clothes were too big for her. I had just had a baby and I still only weighed 110 pounds (I was also in my 20's still).

Katanthus

thanks for posting, we all need a reminder that every one of us is wonderful in our own way.

I read the book a few years ago, I didn't like the suggestions it had about "sit down with your toxic parent...and talk to them". i had the toxic parent that should have never had a child, or should have given me up for adoption.

Best thing I ever did, was to walk away and never look back. I will never understand how a person can go thru life thinking they did nothing wrong to me. Forgiveness doesn't exist for the pain they caused me.

I know, because of my toxic mother, I put off having children, because I did not want to be like her...but regret it. I would LOVE to adopt, but it is too expensive. That is another story.

You said that "sitting down with the toxic parent and talking" was not for you, and I understand that is not for everyone. I did not so much sit down with mine, as stand there, and tell her "I love you, but I am not going to put up with this abuse any longer. I am sick to death of you calling me fat, and it isn't a joke, or for fun... it REALLY hurts when it comes from your MOTHER". I on the other hand, couldn't do what a lot of books tell you to do, and blindly forgive them. When they have had numerous chances given to them to stop the behaviour, and they don't... how can you forgive that? You really can't. To keep putting yourself in the situation to be emotionally beaten up, doesn't make any sense.

While I commend you on this post, I think you are misunderstanding what forgiveness is. Forgiveness is NOT saying, "Oh, it's okay" or anything like that. It's not about saying, "You are forgiven" and placing yourself back in the same situation(s). It's about realizing that you have no control over how other people act, what they do, or how they treat you - but not allowing them to control your life any longer. A person doesn't have to be in your life to have control over it - as many of these posts show. Adults all saying they still have issues to work through because of something that happened in the past.

Although there is presently no consensus for a psychological definition of forgiveness in the research literature, agreement has emerged that forgiveness is a PROCESS. Realizing and accepting you have no control over them, is part of that process. If there is no clear consensus of a definition, there can be no misunderstanding as to what it is. I know you can't control anyone's actions, you can control how you feel about THEIR actions, and having been psychologically traumatized for many years, you can't expect anyone to get to that conclusion quickly. The human mind is an organ that will never be fully understood, so there really can't be one way to resolve those issues. Self preservation kicks in first.. get out of the situation... try to heal... and try not to go near that situation again. Once bitten.. twice shy. I wouldn't claim to have all the answers, and I wouldn't claim to tell people they misunderstand how THEY feel or what they think.

BinaryPulsar

Parents are human beings. A lot of people idealize parents or they take for granted that they had healthy parents that were not mentally ill and/or abusive and they assume everyone had the same experience. But, it's good for people to have gratitude for what they had and be less judgmental of others because they don't know what other people have been through. There are times when I see kids and I suddenly remember my own childhood, being a child. I have to stop for a minute and just remind myself that I am an adult, childhood is over, I will never again be a helpless child at the mercy of harmful, sadistic, sociopathic adults ever again. Children should not be harmed by the adults in their lives, the adults that are entrusted with their care (their parents). Childhood is supposed to be a carefree time. But, for me adulthood is a relief that childhood is over. I do not look back on happy childhood memories. I cringe to remember what it was like. Anything is better than childhood. As a parent I believe that "Happy childhoods last a lifetime, prevent child abuse". Thanks to everyone that posted here. There has been so much kindness shown in these posts. A lot of people think that childhood is something to be forgotten. If any person was raped it would impact their lives forever, and it is no different for a child. I was raped by my ex-stepfather repeatedly as a child. I healed. It's in the past. I can be happy now. But, I will never forget the pain and terror that I had to face on a daily basis as a young child, living with a rapist, who was entrusted with my care, who I was told to call my dad. And I did not know it was not ok. I was a child. I believed what my "parents" told me. I believed them that they were right and I was wrong. I endured it, even though my own instincts were telling me that this could not be alright. I tried to get away. And eventually I gave up. I did not know that it was safe to tell a teacher.

smae1980

All my life, I have been told I was "fat", by my MOTHER. Yes, the one person who should love you unconditionally, told me that I was fat, despite not actually being overweight. I am 5' 2", and up until a few years ago, I was 36-24-36, and weighed around 119 - 124, apart from a time when I was so depressed, I dropped to 97lb at the age of 23. Then, I got told I was too thin, by my mother. I then realized nothing would ever please her, I would never be good enough. A number of years back, I went back home to visit my family, it had been 3 years since I had seen them, and the first thing my mother said... you guessed it.."you're so fat". NOT I missed you, or it is nice to see you. After a whole week of abuse. I told her "I love you, but I am not prepared to put up with this abuse any longer" I turned around, and flew back to the US. I got home feeling like THE worst daughter in the world.

I was wandering around a book store, and found this book: "Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life" by Susan Forward. I bought it, and spent the rest of the day reading it. As I was reading, I kept nodding my head, and saying to my partner "listen to this, does this sound familiar?". I found a book that did not tell you to "forgive and forget", because HOW can you forgive someone who will repeat the pattern of abuse? Some people will say it isn't abuse, but it is. Emotional abuse stays with you, pretty much your whole life. After reading the book, I no longer felt like a bad daughter, my actions were valid.

I ate like a bird, no chips, candy, chocolate, fried food, or soda, and I gained weight...a lot of weight. I actually eat more now, than I ever did before I started on MFP.

Basically, all I wanted to say, was.. if there are any young people out there, that have been told you are "fat".... get real support, from TRUSTED people... the school nurse, your family doctor or nurse, a family member who believes in you, a teacher or school counselor. I wish you all the best, be yourself... have fun, and remember... there is always one person out there who believes in you. It WILL get better.

WWTF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I don't know where to start!! I was a fat little kid but my dad never dreamee d of giving me the complex you were given!! you were given choices and you decided to be this. othewise not and pleases message me!!

Lobster1987

I posted a thread about this a while back.
My mother has Narcissistic Personality Disorder and treats me like ****. Always has, and always will.

www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com

Dunkirk

A 'relative' of toxic relationships is misunderstandings. Here's a quote from a John Eldredge book: "Minsunderstanding is damaging, more insidious because we don't identify it as an attack on the heart. How subtly is comes, sowing doubt and discouragement where there shoud have been validation and support. There must be something wrong with us".

quickchekgal

So sorry you had to go through that. Please feel free to add me..I can definitely relate to being abused emotionally. I need to get that book!

rai8759

bump... seriously think i need to read this book also.

Voncreepy2

I have that book: it totally helped me in the past, though now things are a little more difficult. (I was totally one of those people much happier without my parents in my life on a daily or weekly basis.)

Long story, but my sister caused so much drama and upset, that as usual, my mother blindly will gang up with her to attack me. They were screaming at me on the phone, and I said in a very calm voice "I am not putting up with this, I will speak to you when you can have an adult conversation". That was back in February of 2011. That was the third time, I had attempted to mend bridges, but it is far too toxic for my mental health. I miss my (step)- dad dearly, but the mother always answers the phone, and is like a guard dog. I just can't open the door to that toxicity any longer.

I hate to say this, but I had to cut ties with members of my own family for different reasons. If I ever did mention it even to a close friend they would look at me like I had a 3rd eye or something.My grandma recently passed away and I had feelings of guilt at cutting her out of my life though I know it wasn't healthy to be around her. I prayed about it and came to realize that we are only responsible for our own actions and that people can only make you feel this way or control your emotions if you let them. I wish you the best in finding strength and all of the other women here. I don't believe I was wrong and I don't believe you are wrong. You are setting the rules as to how you allow people to treat you. I hope one day your mother will see you for the person that you are. Good luck.

Katanthus

A 'relative' of toxic relationships is misunderstandings. Here's a quote from a John Eldredge book: "Minsunderstanding is damaging, more insidious because we don't identify it as an attack on the heart. How subtly is comes, sowing doubt and discouragement where there shoud have been validation and support. There must be something wrong with us".

I agree in part, when you are an adult, and have the capacity to hopefully understand relationships a little more, then misunderstandings can be the problem. As children, we blindly believe the adults in our family, because "this is mum, she wouldn't hurt me". As a child we see our parents as our protectors, defenders, and ones that would never hurt us, because if they hurt us, that MUST be the way of the world. Then as we grow, we realize not everyone has the same treatment, or treats us that way, so, as you quoted "There must be something wrong with us". Thank you for that thought provoking post.