Why I closed my diary.
TheFinalThird
Posts: 315 Member
Preface: Over the past four days, I have tried to figure out how to write what I am about to write without sounding like an insensitive, selfish jerk. I have come to the conclusion that it is impossible to do so. Therefore, I will simply write what is in my heart and mind.
A bit about me before I get to the point of this post. As you probably know from previous posts, I grew up in challenging economic circumstances. For eleven straight years (high school, college, law school) I worked full time and attended school full time because it seemed the only way out of my dire circumstances. The sheer effort of doing so nearly killed me. I obtained my law degree and attorney license by the time I was 25. I was hired by one of the three largest law firms in the world right out of law school. After three years there, my supervising attorneys told me that I was well on my way to making partner. Doing so would give my then-new wife and I a measure of financial security that I had never known before.
However, it was not to be. One day in 1987, I received a telephone call from the executive assistant to one of the very top attorneys in his field of litigation specialty. She said that Mr. M wanted to visit with me. I went to his (LITERALLY) penthouse office and we talked. He said he knew who I was, what I was doing at my firm, and that he wanted me to do it for him. He told me that he would double my compensation if I would come to work for him. Now, for a young married fellow with $45,000 in student loans in 1987, a mortgage, and nothing in the bank, that was a heady offer. I turned it down. What he said next absolutely floored me. "Ok, then, I'll triple it. But you'd better think carefully before you turn it down, because I'm not going any higher." I literally got lightheaded and nauseous. I babbled something incoherent about having to check with my wife about such an important decision. He said he understood and would wait for my decision.
At that point in my career, there were many days that I would leave my house when it was dark (5:30 a.m.) and return when it was dark (7:30 p.m.). As a new husband, that was unpleasant, but we tolerated it for the good of my career. However, as a new father, it was unacceptable. What was the point in being the breadwinner for my young family if I wouldn't be around to be a significant part of my sons' formative years? I thought to myself that this new opportunity might be a chance to spend more time with my wife and family-to-be. I accepted the offer.
Oh how wrong I was. Throughout the almost seven years that I survived as the head of Mr. M's appellate section (indeed, I was his only appellate attorney), 3:00 a.m. telephone calls for briefs, trial motions, and such were commonplace, as were impromptu out-of-town trips to handle depositions, serve subpoenas and assist in 2-3 week trials. The money came rolling in by the bushel basket. And I was more unhappy than I had ever been. A large bottle of liquid antacid was my almost constant companion. Six times in three years I found myself in hospital emergency rooms with symptoms of a heart attack that ended up not being heart related, but stress related. My body was sending my mind an unmistakable signal that money be damned, if I stayed in that job, I'd be leaving my new wife and young sons with a lot of it after my all too early visit to the grave.
In early 1994, I left that position and opened my sole practice of law two miles from my house. My new office had one room where my wife could bring my children to play and "hang out" with me after school when I was in between clients or legal assignments. I was close enough to my sons' school that I made it to almost all of their parent-teacher conferences, plays, and sporting events. Within weeks, my health stabilized, then improved. No more stress related trips to the emergency room. My income plummeted at first, but I was finally the kind of dad, father AND attorney that I always wanted to be. My first client showed up at my office door four days after I opened my doors. In the 18+ years since I opened that office, I have never advertised once, and never had a day where I wondered what I would be doing next. I am very grateful and very blessed.
Over the past quarter century, I have gone from literally penniless and heavily-in-debt, young, ambitious newlywed attorney to where I am today. Next month, Mrs. R and I will celebrate 25 years of marriage. And to paraphrase Groucho Marx, they have been 19 of the best years of my life (ducking a flying frying pan from the kitchen). We have conceived and raised four strong and sturdy sons. One is a PhD candidate in cancer research at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology. One recently accepted a job as a high school calculus and algebra teacher and baseball coach at an underperforming local high school. One is a marketing and advertising junior at the University of Texas. And one is a delightful 12 year old, 7th grader, baseball player, and great kid in middle school. I know that in many homes, kids can't wait to get out the door to make their own lives. In our house, our sons can't wait for the opportunity for us to all be together again. Mrs. R and I share in that feeling. As for my career, it is safe to say it survived my early vacillations. I have been licensed as an attorney for 26 years, and board certified as an appellate specialist for 20 years. On Thursday, I completed my one year term as chair of the State Bar of Texas Appellate Section, and began my three year term as one of 42 directors who help run the State Bar of Texas. I have written and presented over 100 continuing legal education programs, the most recent of which was literally just yesterday, 165 miles from home. Clients still regularly find me, even though I do not advertise or actively look for them.
"Well goody for you, ya verbose clod. But the title of this post is 'why I closed my diary.' Are you going to get to that, or do my grandchildren have to die of old age first?"
[writer's note: watch how I now toss a bone to my new MFP friends from "over the puddle" in the U.K.]
"O.k., o.k., don't get your *knickers* in a twist. I'm getting to it."
When I first started logging my food diary regularly on MFP almost 8 weeks ago, keeping my diary open to others was an integral part of my motivation to make changes to my then-atrocious eating habits. I knew that when others could see what I was eating, I felt peer pressure to want to stay under my alloted calories for the day. And it definitely worked. I started on here as 5,000 to 7,000 calorie per day closet, shame eater who would scarf those incredible bright orange, cream filled cupcakes from Hostess. Yeah, you know the ones, with the while swirl of icing on top of the orange sheet of icing, on top of that bright orange spongy cake and that sweet, creamy, white filling in the middle... ohhhhhh yeah.......
Today, fresh fruits, whole grains, skinless chicken, fish, lowfat dairy and water (yes, just plain water!!!) are regular staples of my daily diet. I say STAPLES because in addition to those things, I also indulge in the occasional Subway sandwich with its 2,200 miligrams of sodium, Golden Grahams snack bars that are nothing more than glorified candy bars with some whole grains thrown in for good looks, Godiva chocolates with their saturated fats and refined sugar, and teriyaki extra tender beef steak nuggets with their 30 grams of protein, 3 grams of fat AND whopping 1,470 milligrams of sodium per 3 1/4 ounce (92g) bag.
Yes, I have had days when my sodium intake was twice what it should have been, or my refined sugar consumption was higher than it should be. But I have also stayed within my allotted calories 45 out of the past 46 days and dropped an astounding 34 pounds, from 478 to 444 in less than seven weeks. Do I have a long way to go (like another 219 pounds, at least)? Yes. Will I get there over the next 1 1/2 to 2 years? Absolutely. But I won't do it eating like a vegan monk. You see, if I eliminate my "safeharbor" foods (like a footlong Subway sandwich, relatively low in calories, packed with protein, fiber, veggies and whole grains but also a lot of sodium) and Taco Bell fresco style tacos with 140-150 calories, lots of protein, and lots of sodium, I WILL NOT maintain the long term discipline to see this through. Given the choice of remaining in the 400's because I have given up on a food program that I cannot live with, or quickly pulling my weight down through the 400's into the 300's (at first), I know which choice is better for me. I have made the clearheaded, thoughtful, deliberative choice to sacrifice a few days a week to 3,000 or 4,000 miligrams of sodium per day in return for finally finding the key to unlocking this miserable weight from my body. Is it the right choice? For many of you, NO. Is it the right choice for me? Right now, in return for getting down from the high 400's into the 300's, it is. When my body has fully acclimated to its lower calorie intake, I DO intend to substantially reduce or eliminate high sodium and high refined sugar foods from my diet. But not right now.
So here's the answer to 'why I closed my diary.' I intend to stay on MFP for the rest of my life. My short term goal is to evicerate 45 more pounds in the next 15 weeks (by Christmas) and see a "3" in the hundreds column on my scale for the first time in many years. During that time, at least 3-4 days per week, I will make a conscious effort to reduce my intake of sodium, fat, and refined sugar. But that also means that 3-4 days per week, in order to stay on this life-changing journey, I will NOT carefully watch my intake of sodium and refined sugar (I don't particularly care about the fat). And when I do, I would prefer not to spend 20-30 minutes per day explaining myself in response to the several incredibly well-intended, decent and caring emails and messages that I have been receiving about my sodium and refined sugar intake EVERY DAY. I would rather spend that time catching a bullpen session, pitching batting practice or hitting grounders and fly balls to my 12-year old, talking on the phone with my 23 year old son who is half a country away, vigorously walking a hot humid patch of Texas, or taking care of a client's legal needs. It seems that in order to avoid explaining myself repeatedly in response to multiple inquiries about my food choices daily, locking my diary is the best solution for now.
It's NOT that I do not appreciate all of the questions and comments about my food choices. I do. However, given the choice between making ok food choices and losing this damned weight, and making great food choices and likely giving up out of despair, I choose the former. For now. Not because it is right. But because it is right. For me. For now.
I hope this makes sense.
Scott R. (who is 136 sticks of butter lighter than he was 7 weeks ago).
P.S. And now back to my regularly scheduled 3 1/2 ounce pouch of Jack Link's Premium Cuts Original Beef Steak nuggets with 30 grams of protein, 3 grams of fat, and 1,470 delicious miligrams of sodium. Yum!
A bit about me before I get to the point of this post. As you probably know from previous posts, I grew up in challenging economic circumstances. For eleven straight years (high school, college, law school) I worked full time and attended school full time because it seemed the only way out of my dire circumstances. The sheer effort of doing so nearly killed me. I obtained my law degree and attorney license by the time I was 25. I was hired by one of the three largest law firms in the world right out of law school. After three years there, my supervising attorneys told me that I was well on my way to making partner. Doing so would give my then-new wife and I a measure of financial security that I had never known before.
However, it was not to be. One day in 1987, I received a telephone call from the executive assistant to one of the very top attorneys in his field of litigation specialty. She said that Mr. M wanted to visit with me. I went to his (LITERALLY) penthouse office and we talked. He said he knew who I was, what I was doing at my firm, and that he wanted me to do it for him. He told me that he would double my compensation if I would come to work for him. Now, for a young married fellow with $45,000 in student loans in 1987, a mortgage, and nothing in the bank, that was a heady offer. I turned it down. What he said next absolutely floored me. "Ok, then, I'll triple it. But you'd better think carefully before you turn it down, because I'm not going any higher." I literally got lightheaded and nauseous. I babbled something incoherent about having to check with my wife about such an important decision. He said he understood and would wait for my decision.
At that point in my career, there were many days that I would leave my house when it was dark (5:30 a.m.) and return when it was dark (7:30 p.m.). As a new husband, that was unpleasant, but we tolerated it for the good of my career. However, as a new father, it was unacceptable. What was the point in being the breadwinner for my young family if I wouldn't be around to be a significant part of my sons' formative years? I thought to myself that this new opportunity might be a chance to spend more time with my wife and family-to-be. I accepted the offer.
Oh how wrong I was. Throughout the almost seven years that I survived as the head of Mr. M's appellate section (indeed, I was his only appellate attorney), 3:00 a.m. telephone calls for briefs, trial motions, and such were commonplace, as were impromptu out-of-town trips to handle depositions, serve subpoenas and assist in 2-3 week trials. The money came rolling in by the bushel basket. And I was more unhappy than I had ever been. A large bottle of liquid antacid was my almost constant companion. Six times in three years I found myself in hospital emergency rooms with symptoms of a heart attack that ended up not being heart related, but stress related. My body was sending my mind an unmistakable signal that money be damned, if I stayed in that job, I'd be leaving my new wife and young sons with a lot of it after my all too early visit to the grave.
In early 1994, I left that position and opened my sole practice of law two miles from my house. My new office had one room where my wife could bring my children to play and "hang out" with me after school when I was in between clients or legal assignments. I was close enough to my sons' school that I made it to almost all of their parent-teacher conferences, plays, and sporting events. Within weeks, my health stabilized, then improved. No more stress related trips to the emergency room. My income plummeted at first, but I was finally the kind of dad, father AND attorney that I always wanted to be. My first client showed up at my office door four days after I opened my doors. In the 18+ years since I opened that office, I have never advertised once, and never had a day where I wondered what I would be doing next. I am very grateful and very blessed.
Over the past quarter century, I have gone from literally penniless and heavily-in-debt, young, ambitious newlywed attorney to where I am today. Next month, Mrs. R and I will celebrate 25 years of marriage. And to paraphrase Groucho Marx, they have been 19 of the best years of my life (ducking a flying frying pan from the kitchen). We have conceived and raised four strong and sturdy sons. One is a PhD candidate in cancer research at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology. One recently accepted a job as a high school calculus and algebra teacher and baseball coach at an underperforming local high school. One is a marketing and advertising junior at the University of Texas. And one is a delightful 12 year old, 7th grader, baseball player, and great kid in middle school. I know that in many homes, kids can't wait to get out the door to make their own lives. In our house, our sons can't wait for the opportunity for us to all be together again. Mrs. R and I share in that feeling. As for my career, it is safe to say it survived my early vacillations. I have been licensed as an attorney for 26 years, and board certified as an appellate specialist for 20 years. On Thursday, I completed my one year term as chair of the State Bar of Texas Appellate Section, and began my three year term as one of 42 directors who help run the State Bar of Texas. I have written and presented over 100 continuing legal education programs, the most recent of which was literally just yesterday, 165 miles from home. Clients still regularly find me, even though I do not advertise or actively look for them.
"Well goody for you, ya verbose clod. But the title of this post is 'why I closed my diary.' Are you going to get to that, or do my grandchildren have to die of old age first?"
[writer's note: watch how I now toss a bone to my new MFP friends from "over the puddle" in the U.K.]
"O.k., o.k., don't get your *knickers* in a twist. I'm getting to it."
When I first started logging my food diary regularly on MFP almost 8 weeks ago, keeping my diary open to others was an integral part of my motivation to make changes to my then-atrocious eating habits. I knew that when others could see what I was eating, I felt peer pressure to want to stay under my alloted calories for the day. And it definitely worked. I started on here as 5,000 to 7,000 calorie per day closet, shame eater who would scarf those incredible bright orange, cream filled cupcakes from Hostess. Yeah, you know the ones, with the while swirl of icing on top of the orange sheet of icing, on top of that bright orange spongy cake and that sweet, creamy, white filling in the middle... ohhhhhh yeah.......
Today, fresh fruits, whole grains, skinless chicken, fish, lowfat dairy and water (yes, just plain water!!!) are regular staples of my daily diet. I say STAPLES because in addition to those things, I also indulge in the occasional Subway sandwich with its 2,200 miligrams of sodium, Golden Grahams snack bars that are nothing more than glorified candy bars with some whole grains thrown in for good looks, Godiva chocolates with their saturated fats and refined sugar, and teriyaki extra tender beef steak nuggets with their 30 grams of protein, 3 grams of fat AND whopping 1,470 milligrams of sodium per 3 1/4 ounce (92g) bag.
Yes, I have had days when my sodium intake was twice what it should have been, or my refined sugar consumption was higher than it should be. But I have also stayed within my allotted calories 45 out of the past 46 days and dropped an astounding 34 pounds, from 478 to 444 in less than seven weeks. Do I have a long way to go (like another 219 pounds, at least)? Yes. Will I get there over the next 1 1/2 to 2 years? Absolutely. But I won't do it eating like a vegan monk. You see, if I eliminate my "safeharbor" foods (like a footlong Subway sandwich, relatively low in calories, packed with protein, fiber, veggies and whole grains but also a lot of sodium) and Taco Bell fresco style tacos with 140-150 calories, lots of protein, and lots of sodium, I WILL NOT maintain the long term discipline to see this through. Given the choice of remaining in the 400's because I have given up on a food program that I cannot live with, or quickly pulling my weight down through the 400's into the 300's (at first), I know which choice is better for me. I have made the clearheaded, thoughtful, deliberative choice to sacrifice a few days a week to 3,000 or 4,000 miligrams of sodium per day in return for finally finding the key to unlocking this miserable weight from my body. Is it the right choice? For many of you, NO. Is it the right choice for me? Right now, in return for getting down from the high 400's into the 300's, it is. When my body has fully acclimated to its lower calorie intake, I DO intend to substantially reduce or eliminate high sodium and high refined sugar foods from my diet. But not right now.
So here's the answer to 'why I closed my diary.' I intend to stay on MFP for the rest of my life. My short term goal is to evicerate 45 more pounds in the next 15 weeks (by Christmas) and see a "3" in the hundreds column on my scale for the first time in many years. During that time, at least 3-4 days per week, I will make a conscious effort to reduce my intake of sodium, fat, and refined sugar. But that also means that 3-4 days per week, in order to stay on this life-changing journey, I will NOT carefully watch my intake of sodium and refined sugar (I don't particularly care about the fat). And when I do, I would prefer not to spend 20-30 minutes per day explaining myself in response to the several incredibly well-intended, decent and caring emails and messages that I have been receiving about my sodium and refined sugar intake EVERY DAY. I would rather spend that time catching a bullpen session, pitching batting practice or hitting grounders and fly balls to my 12-year old, talking on the phone with my 23 year old son who is half a country away, vigorously walking a hot humid patch of Texas, or taking care of a client's legal needs. It seems that in order to avoid explaining myself repeatedly in response to multiple inquiries about my food choices daily, locking my diary is the best solution for now.
It's NOT that I do not appreciate all of the questions and comments about my food choices. I do. However, given the choice between making ok food choices and losing this damned weight, and making great food choices and likely giving up out of despair, I choose the former. For now. Not because it is right. But because it is right. For me. For now.
I hope this makes sense.
Scott R. (who is 136 sticks of butter lighter than he was 7 weeks ago).
P.S. And now back to my regularly scheduled 3 1/2 ounce pouch of Jack Link's Premium Cuts Original Beef Steak nuggets with 30 grams of protein, 3 grams of fat, and 1,470 delicious miligrams of sodium. Yum!
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Replies
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When I first opened the post I didn't think I'd read all the way through to the end...but I did.
Congratulations on making such big life changes that have brought you and your family into focus.0 -
I'm sorry that you had to deal with the sodium nazis on this site
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Bravo! Thank you for sharing! Best wishes to you!0
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this was great to read
good luck with everything. i keep mine closed as well. 0 -
Very well said, sir.0
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I love my salt..........and the footlong subways!0
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I think it's great that you do what works for YOU. I firmly believe in indulgence every once in a while, because you're right! Who could hold up a diet full of foods they hate? No one! In order to make it a long-term, life-changing thing, you've got to do what works for you. It must be flexible, and most importantly, fun. So you enjoy those treats! You sure deserve them, and I know you'll get down to the weight you want to be in no time flat. Good luck to you!0
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Makes perfect sense. You have to do what works for you and is right for you. I also keep my diary private for the same reason Good luck to you, I wish you much success. 0
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Congratulations on your achievements and I have no doubt that you will reach your goal weight. This is a lifestyle change and what is the point of making life miserable by not enjoying your food! I have no problem with friends who have closed their diaries, I prefer to celebrate my friends achievements anyway rather than pointing out where they could do better.0
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It makes perfect sense to me.
I have a few people on my friends list who are on special diets supervised by their physicians, or who have food intolerances, or financial issues that limit their choices, etc. I can only imagine how tiring it must be to explain those circumstances to everyone they friend on MFP!
You might consider putting a password on your diary so that you can share it with a few friends who fully understand your personal goals and eating plan. That way you can get the feedback you might want but limit yourself from daily questions from 50 people!
Good luck! You are so committed and have such a good handle on your own personal challenges that I have no doubt you will be successful!0 -
Very well said Everyone's a critic and thinks their lifestyle is the only lifestyle. It's frustrating when we're all trying to find our own path to weight loss/health and we're bombarded with "advice" about it, even scolded like little children! Good for you for standing up for yourself, you've made the right decision. Your early hard times and background have made you strong (and obviously your boys have learned that from you also), keep being strong and "do whatcha gotta do" to make this work for YOU. Good luck :flowerforyou: 0
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Brother, you do what works for you! I understand that the site is for us to help and encourage each other but from what I have read in some posts there are those who go way overboard on the advice. Keep on trucking and you will meet your goals (not their goals)0
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I applaud you for the entire thing! Wow, that is quite a story from start to present day.
I completely understand about not "eating like a vegan monk" for this to work. It seems to work for a few but not me, I would NEVER be able to stick to it and would likely just gain all the weight back once I reached my goal.
Congratulations on all of your life successes to date, they are truly inspirational! :drinker:0 -
Thanks for the good read this morning!
Sounds like you're doin it right to me! If it is working go with it. If the weight loss slows or stalls out, then re-evaluate and adjust.0 -
very well put.....this is why i don't have many friends on here they nit pick my diary to death.... good luck on your journey 0
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You did not sound like a selfish, insensitive jerk; you sounded like a man who had carefully thought through his weight loss plan. It has to be your plan, and not anyone else's. Congratulations on your current and future weight loss. I have no doubt that you will succeed.0
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Excellent. I've never opened my food diary simply because I don't want to be tempted to lie. It's hard enough to tell myself the truth. Even my wife doesn't get to see it.0
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Well said. We all follow our own path to get to where we want to go. We are not a collective of robotics that everyone has to do the same thing the same way. What a boring world it would be, if it were so.
Good health to you and you're on the right track for you. 0 -
If you have over 200 friends there is more chance of negative comments. My advice would be less friends. Also easier to manage.0
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I read your entire story as well and understand where you are coming from. Thankfully I have not dealt with anyone (other than a nutritionist I was seeing) yelling at me about my diary. I usually do good, but did I have 3 pieces of Sam's Club cake this week and Papa Murphy's for dinner last night? Yep! I logged it and the friends that commented said, "great job and you left room for cake!" And, "I love Papa Murphy's!" I like my friends to have open diaries because I sometimes get ideas of what to eat. I am also sometimes inspired to up my veggies. I like to cheer them on when they have veggies. Other than that, it's not my business to tell people what to eat. If there is a thread asking for advice about their diary, that's a different story.
You have fought for so much in your life and have learned lessons about about what is important. This is no different. Good luck on your journey. I have recently seen a "2" on the scale and I am fighting like heck to keep it! I hope you get to your "3" soon!0 -
I close mine because it's a diary. It's private0
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Scott R. (who is 136 sticks of butter lighter than he was 7 weeks ago). 0
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Good for you! Definitely do what's best for you! And congrats on your loss so far!0
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Completely agree. There are days when you look at my diary and you'll see I had four crown and diets for dinner; or a Wendy's single with cheese (first one in 15 months) at 2 a.m. I'm a grownup and I know how to lose weight. I know alcohol and fat and sodium don't help, but I also know from twenty years of being fat that trying to diet and deprive myself of things I love is a setup for backsliding. I also know if I eat that Wendy's single, I have an extra 500 calories to exercise off that week.
Congrats on your progress thus far and raising a great family and owning your own business. If you can do those things I have no doubt the weight will be gone in two years.0 -
Just a note: I love sodium too.
I don't know you, but I am really proud of you, your accomplishments and your drive to see this through!! I can't wait to see your post around Christmas when you post that you are in the "3's"!!
I too plan on staying on MFP for life. I don't think I could maintain any loss I have without it.
You do what you have to do to keep yourself sane and enjoying your life and your sweet family.0 -
an enjoyable read. You do what's right for you. Here's to even less sticks of butter, go for it :-)0
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Best of luck on your journey. You are far from insensitive!!! You are taking care of you. I love reading your posts, you are a very good writer and a true inspiration to all of us.0
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Good for you! I recently read a great book that you may find interesting. It's called "Knock out dieting" by Signe Darpinian. It talks about how diets and restrictions don't work, but what we need to realize is that we all have knowledge in our bodies about "intuitive eating," so it teaches how to get back to that. One of the best parts (in my opinion) was a section that detailed the ways that some people demonize certain foods, and then want to resist them--with dire consequences, of course. She says that instead of blocking foods from our lives, we can access whatever we want, and then just listen to what our bodies say about them. I've found this REALLY helpful. I'm not a salt person, but I love ice cream. Instead of banishing ice cream from my life, I have it when I want it--and now I intuitively know when I don't need any more. This has made a huge difference in my life. In Feb, I reached about 325 lbs. Now I'm down to the 260s, and have done NO DIETING. I know you're on the right path and I wish you great continued success! 0
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inspirational xxx0
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I have stumbled across a couple of your posts on here and I was wondering if you have a blog? And if not you should think of starting one. You are a fantastic writer, funny, articulate and interesting! Good luck to you on your weight loss!0
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